When you are trying to save your marriage and your spouse distances himself/herself either emotionally, physically or both, you feel more alone than you ever imagined possible. You can very well understand why God said the words, “It is not good for man to be alone.“ Being alone when you’re in a marriage is NOT the plan you had. You never thought that you would be dealing with an emotionally distant spouse.
But how do you get past the walls that have built up between you and your spouse? Is there a door that can be constructed so the husband and wife are no longer emotionally shut off to one another?
Dealing with an Emotionally Distant Spouse
Yes, there is, but unfortunately, this is not something that can be accomplished overnight. Many different things went into building those walls. And it will take a lot of effort and time to dismantle them. And it may be that your spouse is not open to participating with you and God in this… at least in the beginning. And frankly, maybe ever.
But we have to say, that it’s well worth the effort and work to try. Because in doing so, you could open a whole new world up to your spouse and in your own life in relationship with him or her.
I know, I have been there with my husband. And with prayer and perseverance to do as God lead, in the timing that truly worked (rather than my misguided timing), God opened doors that I only dreamed was possible. And now, as I look back, I think about all the blessings I could have missed out on, and all my husband would have missed, if I had given up too soon. How sad that would have been for us and our families and friends. Plus the fact we would not have been able to participate with God in this awesome ministry.
I have to reiterate though, that perseverance is a big part of what it will take for the eventual blessing —perseverance in hand with prayer to the Lord for guidance.
Persevere, As Hard As It Is
As difficult as it is, God tells us that perseverance is a virtue that we are to strive after. How I wish it weren’t true. Like most human beings, I like things to come easy. Some of us think that as children of God, we’re entitled to certain “privileges” and answers to prayer in a shorter time frame. That makes sense to us.
If we think that way, we’re wrong. On this side of heaven, we aren’t promised an easy life —one that isn’t so troublesome. As a matter of fact, there are a number of warnings in the Bible that we will experience Trials and Tribulations.
Concerning marriage, the Apostle Paul warned us about that. It’s written in 1 Corinthians 7:28, “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.“ He put out that warning to “spare” us from thinking otherwise.
That’s where prayerful perseverance and trust in God becomes important. There are many verses in the Bible that encourages us to persevere even when we want to give up.
Among them are:
“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial. Because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.“ (James 1:12)
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.“ (Galatians 6:9)
“Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)
A few insights on the emotionally distant spouse issue:
In dealing with the dilemma of being married to an emotionally distant spouse, the following are a few insights and a few questions that might help you that Dr Gary Chapman brings out in his book, “Loving Solutions”:
There are many reasons why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have stimulated resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is his/her way of saying, “I don’t like you, so I will treat you as a non-person.”
I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If we can discover the emotions inside the person and the factors that give rise to these emotions, we are well on the way to helping the non-communicating spouse to break his/her silence.
The spouse who seeks to be a positive change agent would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?”
Each of ourselves can ask ourselves the following:
- Does my spouse genuinely feel my unconditional love or has my love been conditional —I will love you if…
- Have I done anything to infringe upon my spouse’s freedom? Does he feel that I am trying to control his life
- Has my speech or behavior struck at her efforts to gain significance? Does she see me as condemning something that she values as being significant?
- Does he see me as a barrier to the fulfillment of his need for recreation and relaxation?
- Is my spouse struggling with the spiritual dimension of life? Does she see me as interfering with her search for peace with God?
Anyone of these questions may uncover the source of your spouse’s silence. The challenge then is to find a way to help him or her meet that emotional need at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own needs met.
Helpful Articles to Read on the Emotionally Distant Spouse
With this said, as you brace yourself to do what it takes, I encourage you to read the following articles we found on the Internet. I believe they will give you insight and help in this area of your marriage. I encourage you to make this your mission to do your part in opening the door to better understanding and communication in your marriage.
In this first article April Motl says the following about emotional detachment in marriage:
“A lot can happen between the ‘I do’ at the altar and the years that follow. We can end up married to someone yet emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically disengaged. I have come to believe that one primary problem seems to sit at the root of most couples who feel disengaged. I call it the ‘full plate’ phenomenon. When your spouse (or you) has something that puts them emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually on overload something else has to be shut off in life —and that something else often becomes your marriage.”
To find out more, read this Crosswalk.com article:
• ARE YOU DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR SPOUSE?
Additionally, Concerning the Emotionally Distant Spouse:
Here are three more articles that you could find helpful to read on this issue:
• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Also:
• WHEN YOU FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR SPOUSE
You may even be at the point where you feel abandoned. Here is an article that addresses that:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Please search through the Marriage Missions web site for more articles that can help you in this mission of connecting with your spouse. Look for ways to build and open doors of communication. There is a lot of wisdom, written by relationship experts, that is waiting for you to tap into and use. I encourage you not to give up. God has a blessing for you as you look to the Holy Spirit, our Wonderful Counselor, to open your understanding and to apply to your life.
In an article formerly posted on the Internet titled, “My Spouse is Emotionally Distant,” a challenge is given to “keep trusting God’s power and goodness.” It’s a difficult thing to do when you feel abandoned in many ways by your spouse. But God has promised to “never leave nor forsake” us. Sometimes it’s a matter of F.A.I.T.H. to believe that. F.A.I.T.H. means: Forsaking All I Trust Him. Trust in His power and goodness —no matter what!
Above All:
Keep in mind the following (which was written in that article):
“Remember who God is! The same God who healed the rift between us and Him can also bring you and your spouse closer together. Zephaniah reminded Judah that God wouldn’t let their sin keep them separated from Him (Zephaniah 3:15). And God wants you to see your sadness about your relationship with your spouse by the same light.
“Don’t be discouraged. God can bring victory over sin (Zephaniah 3:13), and He can use your marriage for good purposes because He loves you and knows what you’re going through. Keep trusting in God’s power and goodness so you can be the spouse God has called you to be —and let God take care of your mate.” (See also Proverbs 3:27-35; Ephesians 4:14-16.)
Prayerfully keep in mind and consider:
“The LORD your God is in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you with His love, and will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.“
(2 Thessalonians 3:5)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(AUSTRALIA) I have a boyfriend that is the most loving, affectionate and kindest person when I am with him in person. We have to rely on a long distance relationship sad to say. He works in the UK but is applying for jobs so we can be together in the same country. The fact he does want to be with me and he is the kind of man who is so honest and straight forward about things is a plus point about him. He has repeatedly told me that he wants a relationship that will lead to a very long term relationship with me and he does not want to hear any negativity nor the fact what if it doesnt work. My issue with him is just this:
Being so far away from each other we make it a point to text but he would text just once in the morning and even that was because I kicked up a fuss and said if you don’t text me and I don’t hear from you I wouldn’t even know if you’re alive seeing you live so far away from me and you have no relatives nor kids to inform me if something happened to you. His response was he has never had anyone care for him the way I do. He and I speak only over the weekends on Skype because that is when he isn’t at work and he has the time. I would make it a point to text before I go to bed everyday and sometimes once in between his day just so he gets to hear from me. He likes hearing from me and he enjoys our talks on Skype. He is so busy through the week at work so I dont disturb him and I always reply to his texts whenever he does text me which is once a day as soon as he is up in the mornings his time in the UK.
He is not a phone or text person but then how else do I communicate with him seeing there is a huge time difference in where we live. I have brought up his faults in a very gentle respectful manner without having to put him down or without making him feel bad. Only yesterday I called him and told him that he needs to put himself in my place to understand how frustrating it can be when I don’t hear from him; this is in response when I asked him how he was as he was really ill. And here I am worried sick about him. I had not heard from him the whole time and I was worried and I had to call him to ask how he was.
He is emotionally disengaged when he is there in the UK but when he is with me in person, we saw each other for a week at the very end of October (we are planning to meet in January). Yes long distance has its toll but because of Skype we manage otherwise. You cannot believe the fact he is the same disengaged person on the other side of the world if you saw me with him in person. He cannot stand next to me and not hold me or hug me or touch me. He has said he never wants to be without me.
No, he isnt seeing someone in the UK and he is the kind to be 100% faithful and if you knew him you would agree with me. He has been on his own from the time he was 19 and has been independent through the whole time. He is 43 now. I think it is the mere fact that he has been alone for some time now which is probably the reason why he cannot see what he does as something that is wrong when your wanting to be in a relationship. He has been married for a short while divorced and no kids. He dated a couple of other women but it didn’t work for him. He was looking for a specific person and I do know what are the traits in a person he seeks. He is the kind of man who is very respectful and has a lot of class, very intelligent, quiet but not always. He is always striving to do his best and to move forward. He started with nothing and today has got a very good stable job but is willing to move for me.
I write to him and keep in touch with him in the best manner so that he will stay connected to me due to the long distance relationship. I just sent him his birthday and christmas present because I thought I wouldn’t be seeing him until january so I will have to courier it to him. I knew what he wanted and they were both very expensive gifts but no one has done things for him the way I have and I wanted to do this from the bottom of my heart. He says he is on the same page with me meaning he is falling in love with me as he says I am the one for him and he sees a great woman with good attributes and is kind and so caring and is intelligent. He has never had anyone care for him the way I do and I have to keep reminding him that I do care for him so deeply. He finds it hard to accept it and needs me to constantly remind him.
What scares me is that I have fallen in love with him because if I were to take those faults away he is the most gorgeous person inside out and I sometimes think that I would be lost without him. I will be speaking to him today but yet apart of me is saying he does nothing but frustrate me and he doesnt seem to see that not communicating with me is driving a wedge between us. He knows that he has found someone great and yet he is stubborn about changing his ways.
I have to decide one way or rather if I really do want to stay with him or leave him. Not easy and I have been crying my eyes out as a result of trying to make sense of what is going on and the fact I will have to move on leaving what could have been a great relationship if only he has the insight to realise what he is doing is driving me mental and away from him.
I know deep down that he is a wonderful loving person but his whole demeanor of how disengaged he can be is so frustrating that I am about to give up. I am so completely lost. I have even brought this up to him so many times and said Look if you don’t like what I have to say then why don’t you just leave. He said to me I don’t want you to say that and by you saying that it makes me angry. I said ok I will not say it again. I have told him, I want someone who fights to stay with me in this relationship. He is, I am so lost that I seem to be crying all the time because I do love him and I cant seem to see myself without him.
(SINGAPORE) A couple of months ago, my wife told me that our marriage was a mistake. We have been married 15 years. She went on to say that her life has not improved in any way since we got married and went on to say that she could not help comparing herself with a female colleague at work whose husband has enjoyed a tremendous career growth, while mine seems to have stagnated.
Unlike her colleague whose husband has been able to shower her with expensive holidays, an expensive home, a car for her own use and lots of cash, I have remained a civil servant earning a meagre salary, living in an apartment and unable to provide her with those things.
I was not angry or indignant to listen to her go on and on about how unfulfilling her life has been. I was and I am still hurt and dissapointed at myself. I also lost a lot of confidence and self esteem that day.
Since that day, she hardly communicates with me. Our conversations are only about functional things like family schedules, planned activities and things that need to be done.
As hard as I have tried to mend things between us, her treatment towards me has remained cold.
I am now in my late forties and a career change for the sole purpose of increased financial gains seems risky and illogical. I love my job (working with offenders) and I am contented with my station in life.
I have come to a point where I feel emotionally abandoned and a painfully emptiness. It’s been tough, especially putting up a mask for my daughters because I do not want them to feel troubled.
I have absolutely no clue what I can do to mend things.
Naren, your wife sounds like she is only interested in material things. Material things will not make you happy. They are temporary and useless. Did she marry you for what you could provide for her or for love? Is she going through the change and looking back on her life and regretting things and maybe wanting change?
(UNITED STATES) I would love to know how to get my girlfriend to try a civilian relationship. She has been married to the military but they were never together so she has no idea what a relationship looks like. I feel so strange telling her how much I miss her. I haven’t seen her in 90 days and she is pregnant with my baby. The difference is I am a civilian and I want a day to day relationship. I don’t think she can imagine one, let alone let me play my part.
(UAE) Our marriage needs help. There’s a wall between me and my husband. He doesn’t consider me as a friend and he could really hurt me. The worst part is that he often says he wants me dead.
(USA) I’ve recently recognized that I’m an emotionally distant husband. My wife has been telling me for years that she feels like she doesn’t know me. I’ve never really thought that I had a problem until she decided to leave me. Then I started looking around and found articles on emotionally distants husbands.
We are currently separated and unfortunatly on the road to eventual divorce. This is mainly due to me not being there emotionally and physically for her. Also my 5 year old daughter and I have been drawing closer and through her I’m starting to gain a greater understanding of the emotional needs of women. I may be too late to save my marriage but want to try just the same. My wife means the world to me and I would do anything to win her back. She has completely withdrawn from the marriage and hasn’t really put any effort into resolution. On top of an emotional affair that she had she has also made some questionable moral decisions. How can I get more in touch with my emotions and win her back?
Corzo. WOW! Any man that feels like investing in a marriage after your wife had an emotional affair and questionable moral decisions must really love that person. My husband had an emotional affair with the neighbor girl for 6 months and outwardly disrespected me numerous times. I now feel he hates and resents me, I can’t think of any other reason he would go out of his way to treat me less than his wife and make me feel as though I am NOT a priority to him.
He put this neighbor girl first before me and his marriage. He caused me to completely fall OUT of love with him. Now I feel lost. I don’t know what to do. He says he wants to stay married and work it out. But I am heart broken and doesn’t invest in us. He didn’t before the neighbor girl came along, and he doesn’t now. I’ve been the only one investing in our relationship for many years and now I am tired of it. If no one is investing in a relationship, it will eventually die.
So stay strong and fight for your marriage. You obviously love her more than the world. How can anyone ignore that? You will win her heart.
(USA) My wife is emotionally distant. It started when I was deployed last summer. I came home in November to a seemingly different woman. We both failed in communicating our what we needed while I was deployed and when I came home. It led to resentment and arguments.
She told me she thought we should separate but when I started looking for apartments she cried and actually showed emotion for the first time since I’ve beeen home. We’ve realized that we both need our space to grow as individuals but we don’t want to separate. Its really hard for me to be completely shut out like this. It’s like I’m always a second thought to her or I’m always on the back burner. Any advice on what to do besides just focusing on myself?
(USA) I have not been married as long as you Jerry but, my wife has been extremely busy with school, work and the kids. I have attempted to slide my way into assisting her, forcing my way into assisting her, trying to make her hear that I love her but she seems to be so caught up into what she has going on. She has no time for me. I try to tell her I love her everyday. She kind of says it back. I try to set rules for us to never go to bed with out an embrace But… I do not know if I am depressed about it or what. I just feel a big disconnect. She is snappy… I am lost for words. Trying to hang in there. Help!!!
(USA) I have been with my wife for 17 years. We lost her son, my stepson, this past Christmas from drugs and alcohol. He did like Jimmi Hendrix, he chocked on his vomit and died 2 days later when my wife pulled the plug. It was the day after Christmas. He was 22 years old. I have raised this man like my son. The problem now, 6 months later, is my wife is in a downward spiral. We barely talk. Sex is a no go. We have dogs and I think they are keeping us together. I am only 53 years old on my second marriage and distraught.
My wife just wants to go to psychics to talk to her son; she thinks this helps. I think they are snake oil salespeople. I am self employed and my wife is an executive so we make good money but she just wants to throw it away on these people. I can see once or twice but she has been to at least 5, and she wants to go to the big daddy of them all, the cost is 1200.00 for one hour. I think this is nuts. The other were an average of 250/ hour all cash. I am at my wits end with her. I do not know what to do. Can you help?
She seems like a smart lady, since she is an executive and makes good money. Make it simple for her. Tell her it’s inaccurate and harmful to live in the past. Tell her NOT to cheat on her present and future with the past. Maybe these words will hit home to her.
(USA) I have been married for 8 months now and I think I have been the emotionally distant one, which in turn has caused my husband to be distant. We get into nasty physical fights, where I am the one who starts it. (I’m not being abused.) We are currently sleeping in separate rooms. I battle severe depression every day and he has a lung disease that needs surgery to fix so he is always sick. We are both expecting the other to be there and we both seem incapable. Its scary to want out already. We are in marriage counseling, but it seems we fight more about that. I’m so lost and tired of watching my life crumble around me.
(GRENADA) I am not sure if I am correct to say that my husband is emotionally distant… but there are times when I feel like I am all alone in this relationship and the only one pushing for it to survive since there is no input from him… I do not wish to give up on him or our relationship but I don’t know what to do anymore…
(UNITED STATES) Kayedee, I feel that same way, feeling alone. I also do not want to give up on my husband. I know what you are going through. It is so hard to read my husband and really know what he is feeling or not feeling. I guess I just want our love to be like it used to be 5-8 years ago. Someone has told me to stick in there, it will pass and my marriage will be stronger than before and that our love will be stronger than before and it is just part of marriage that we go through. For better or for worse, right? Believe me, I’m tired of the neglect and feeling lonely. I too am looking for answers on how to cope with the way I feel. I will pray for you Kayedee and hope things change for the better for you real soon.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for over 17 years and everything has been perfect up until 6 months ago. My husband has been distant and I am feeling very neglected. I miss the I love you’s, the kisses good bye as he leaves for work, the random hugs. He has stopped doing those things and I cry every day, suspecting the worse.
How can I save my marriage? I love him so much, but it’s hard to love him when I don’t get the love back. I’m very hurt and don’t know what steps to take. I have talked to him about this and how I feel, but he doesn’t really get what I am saying. He continues to say I love you and we will be fine. I’m EMOTIONALLY STRESSED.
(NORWAY) My wife had a difficult childhood. Her dad abandoned her when she was 8 and her mom has had depression/bipolar diseases her whole life. After having our son 4 1/2 years ago, our intimacy took a steep plunge and has been missing ever since. The last 2 years my wife started taking night classes to further her career on top of her normal day job. Lack of intimacy took place and for the last year, an emotional distance off and on. I have been the best husband and father I can be, doing everything I can to make her life easier and supporting her. She is sad and confused and doesn’t know what she wants to do about our marriage and future. I love her and want to make this marriage work. Right now, she just is overwhelmed and isn’t ready for couples counseling. I am grateful for any thoughts or advice for my situation. Thanks so much!
Hello CRB,
First, I would like to say how sorry I am for you and your wife, that you are going through this time of pain. Please remember, The Lord does use challenge to bring us closer to Him and closer to our spouse. 3.5 years ago, I learned that my wife was in love with someone else and was not in love with me. It seemed that my marriage would end, tearing apart my family. I still loved her deeply and did not want to see our marriage end. We had failed to work on growing our relationship with God and working to maintain the bond between us. Like most men, we still had sex and and we did a good job of raising a family together, so I was content.
My wife needed an emotional connection, and rather than hurting me by telling me she felt disconnected, she found a connection elsewhere. She was not looking for this, but once it happened, she had no idea how to turn back. After over 3 years that have contained some very, very painful experiences and tough times, along with a whole lot of growing closer to The Lord, we are still together. We have a long ways to go, but Lord willing, we will be together for life and find the true Joy in our relationship that God intended for every couple.
Perseverance my friend. You can’t do this on your own, but God can lead you or carry you when need be. Your wife is probably not in a state that can be helped by couples counseling. We also learned that for every good counselor there are at least 8 bad ones. You must find a good Christian counselor. We found a fantastic Christian counselor at the New Life Live web site. I learned of this site by listening to Family Talk Christian radio; Christian radio helped me through many tough days along this journey. We had gone to counseling alone and together, until I finally felt The Lord clearly guiding me to ask my wife to move out until she could make some commitments to me. I do not encourage you to ask your wife to move out; my situation had escalated to a point beyond where I believe yours is at. I do encourage you to do all that you can to facilitate your wife meeting regularly with a good Christian counselor. She needs to determine what God wants for her in life before you can really work on your relationship as a couple. I encourage you to seek counseling from a good Christian counselor if you need the support.
Continue to work on your relationship with God, as he encourages all of us to do this for our entire earthly lives. In addition, always remember that you can’t make your wife love you or make her make decisions in the way that you see fit. Only God can change people. You can continue to love her unconditionally, make an effort to be open with her with guidance from The Lord, and set up boundaries for behavior that you will not accept if she treats you in ways that clearly goes against how God tells us to treat one another. This is ultimately how I ended up asking my wife to leave, but only after many second chances and a whole lot of prayers. Let The Lord guide you in every action.
Only God knows how this will turn out, but never forget; He loves you dearly, He knows what is best for you, He will use whatever happens to fulllfill His plan for you, through Him, all things are possible, and He will never give you more than you and He can handle. My wife has not moved home yet and as I type this, I am missing her a lot. It seems the better we get along and the more time we spend together, the more I miss her. Please pray that The Lord will continue to grow our bond with Him and one another. You will definitely be in my prayers CRB.
(South Africa) I have married for 22 years and my husband wants to divorce me for another woman.
(USA) We’ve been married 46 years and my husband has shut me out of his life the day after we were married. We did have sex once and that is where all our troubles started. He hates sex and thinks it’s so inhuman, can’t understand why humans enjoy such a vile and degrading act.
He has only slept with me maybe 4 hours and all the rest of our marriage hes lived in our basement. Also he purposely moved to the midnight shift so he wouldn’t have to be home with me at night. I’m completely ignored!!! He has no intention to ever associate with me.
Please help. We’ve been married for 7 years now. My wife recently told me that we should walk our separate ways as it’s not working. I agreed to avoid an argument and didn’t think it was serious. But after a week of sleeping on the sofa it kicked in. I tried to fix it but all I got was, no, I need space. I even tried to send her gifts at her work place. I was told to stop, so I listened. She said, never again, please respect my space. I agreed to it because I so much want her back. We have 2 beautiful girls and don’t want to lose them. I read a book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
and got some really good tips.
I feel my heart is so much in pain. I never experienced it before to love someone so much but not get anything back. It’s not easy to take. I’m a Christian so I went to speak to my priest and ask for prayers as I began to dig deep into the Bible and get myself a spiritual warfare book on Kindle to pray. In few days I’m going to start a Bible study with a Jehovah Witness since they know so much about the word. I’ve asked God to help and intervene because the Bible says we do not fight against flesh and blood but against other powers of the enemy. But I do have hope because of the word and my wife is a Christian also, but it’s just taking too long.
Jobe, First, I’m sorry for the pain you are experiencing through the separation from your wife. You are doing a lot of good things for your personal life right now – reading Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
and digging deep into the Bible looking to God for strength and guidance in winning your wife’s trust back.
I do want to caution you about engaging in a Bible study with a Jehovah’s Witness. Yes, many of them do “know” the Bible, but many of their views of God, Jesus and the scriptures are seriously flawed. You need to engage with a Bible teaching, believing, living church. One of many I could recommend you check is the Christ Church London (www.christchurchlondon.org). They have what’s called the Alpha Bible study. This is an excellent 9 week course (FREE) that you can take through them that will help you get as really good understanding of the scriptures. They also offer Connect groups where you can find fellowship with other Christians, if that interests you.
I hope this helps you get on a firm foundation for getting your wife back and for getting your life grounded on the Word of God. Blessings!