It is easy to live in harmony together when your husband is treating you well. But what if you are living with an unlovable husband? What if he’s not acting towards you in ways that you believe he should? How do you treat your husband when he is moody, unloving towards you and is difficult to live with? What do you do then?
Living With an Unlovable Husband
Here’s what Jesus says regarding difficult relationships:
“Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayers for that person. …If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
“Here is a simple rule of thumb for your behavior. Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? …I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never —I promise —regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.
“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults —unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back —given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” (Luke 6:27-38, The Message)
Walking in the Spirit Even with an Unlovable Husband?
One way you can tell that you are walking in the Spirit in your marriage is to ask: Is my husband’s response my goal, or am I doing this to please the Lord?
God will enable you to be compassionate to someone who doesn’t deserve it, just as He was and is to you.
Ask yourself, “Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?” Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, with his parents, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn’t always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra house he’s putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone? Ask God to give you understanding and patience during these times and continue to treat your husband lovingly, regardless of how he may be treating you.
Don’t be so sensitive that you let your feelings and emotions be set by another’s treatment of you. Jesus didn’t do that. He continued to live His life with honor, dignity, love, and mercy through the most difficult times. Don’t be judgmental or unfriendly. Don’t allow yourself to be too easily wounded, crushed, or hurt. Guard against bitterness and being quick to forgive. Ask Jesus to help develop these attitudes in you when you face challenging times.
Be a Blessing
Your job is to bless (1 Peter 3:9, The Message). Put another way, it reads like this:
Never return evil for evil or insult for insult —scolding, tongue-lashing, berating; but on the contrary blessing—praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God] —obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection. (1 Peter 3:9, AMP)
Holy, beautiful women never return harsh words, but instead give a blessing back! One way to do this is through prayer. Do you see that the blessed outcome of our unselfish prayer for our husbands’ welfare, happiness, and protection is that we inherit these things as well?
Caught in a Cycle
Have you and your husband ever been in the following cycle? He raises his voice; you raise yours. He becomes louder; you retaliate.
This is an endless cycle, but the dynamics of it can be broken quickly if you no longer react. You can choose to act instead in a manner the Bible says is right. Your consistent, sweet, silent response to poor behavior may be the very thing God uses to change your husband. Don’t give in to the urge to let your silence be cold and stony.
When Jesus was oppressed and afflicted, He did not open His mouth (Isaiah 53:7; Matthew 26:63; Matthew 27:12-14, NASB). Mark says that Pilate was amazed at how Jesus stayed silent in the midst of the accusations that were swirling around Him. Only when He was placed under oath and asked whether He was the King of the Jews did He humbly reply, “Yes, it is as you say” (Mark 15:2).
Dealing with Unlovable Husband
If your husband is short-tempered and impatient, try remaining silent in love. Stop participating in the vicious cycle of “he gets angry; I get angry.” Choose not to react during heated times. Wait until your husband has cooled down or is more rested before discussing things.
Suppose you had two dogs. Let’s say one was red and the other blue. What would happen if you fed only the red dog and not the blue one? The red dog would become bigger and stronger while the blue one became weaker. Over time, Red would thrive, while Blue shriveled away.
Every time you act in a loving way toward your husband, it’s as if you’re feeding the red dog and refusing to feed the blue one. It’s simple to show love: Feed Red, and starve Blue! Each time you do this, it becomes more and more a part of your natural response. What you’re doing is training your mind to think in a new way, and each successive attempt becomes easier.
Begin now to pray that you will have the strength to do this, and begin praying scripturally and fervently for your husband.
How to Pray Scripturally
There is an example of a powerful way to pray contained in the book of Colossians. You might consider praying for your husband in such a way. Pray that he will:
- be filled with the knowledge of God’s will,
- have spiritual wisdom and understanding,
- walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, living a life full of integrity,
- please the Lord in all respects and do those things that bring glory to God,
- bear fruit in every good work,
- increase in the knowledge of God,
- be strengthened with all power according to the Lord’s glorious might,
- attain steadfastness and patience,
- joyously give thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. (Colossians 1:9-12)
The above article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah. You’ll find that the authors confidently write as “voices of experience.” They say, “Between the two of us, we bought into the modern-day thinking regarding marriage, for nearly 40 years!” You’ll want to read this book to find out what they learned.
Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Do not reproduce this excerpt without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
– ALSO –
To help you further in dealing with an unlovable husband, the following link takes you to various Revive Your Heart recordings that were originally set up in the form of a six-week Bible Study. Each session is approximately 30 minutes long. Here is a description they give of the series. In this six-week Bible study,
“Journey along with Abigail as she uses her influence in two men’s lives—with different results. See how the empowerment of the Holy Spirit can help you deal with difficult people . . . without becoming difficult yourself! With Scripture memory, daily study, and group discussion questions, this resource is ideal for both individual and group study.”
This is your link, as you try to live with an unlovable husband in a Christ-like way, to listen to:
• ABIGAIL: Living with the Difficult People in Your Life
If you have additional tips to help others, or you want to share requests for prayer, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Women
(USA) Please pray for my marriage to be healed. My husband left me and our three young children to live with another woman. He still sees us, provides for us, and takes care of the house. But every night he stays with her. Free time and vacations are spent with her. Please pray for him to come to his senses.
He resents that I put God before him. He claimed he believed in God before we married and now he thinks I’m wasting my time in church. Please pray for his eyes to see spiritually. Pray for him to know God. Thank you! God bless you! God is SO good!!!
(SA) My husband has got himself into lots of bad things. I feel like giving up on our marriage. I know he loves me but that is not enough. I want a normal life where God is at the center of it all. I have forgiven him over and over again and I am getting tired I don’t know what more to do?
(USA) Please forgive again… I was in this same situation.. and I lost my temper and told him to leave. I am now alone with my children and have only heard from him sporadically and seen him once. I worry about him constantly and I am heartbroken. Please… Your husband needs your prayers.. and your forgiveness. I am speaking from someone who has lost her husband because I was not treating him as Christ has treated me. I will pray for you.
(ZAR) Hi, I commented on the marriage puzzle piece a few days ago and today I came across this article. I have being married for 1 and a half years and have never enjoyed a week of marriage (I’m not exaggerating). My husbnad speaks very rudely and coldy towards me. I see here you say the wife should try to understand that maybe he had a rough day. My question is, is it fair that if one has a rough day they should take it out on their spouse? Does it ever occur that everybody has a saturation point and using a rough day as an excuse is not good enough? Honestly, has he being having a rough day for 1 and a half years?
Then secondly the article speaks of being kind when someone gives you harsh words. I’m not going to disgree because it’s what the bible says. But I want to give my testimony of how I got bashed because my husband found my silence when he was angry at me, not caring about him.
Zimkitha, I don’t know the dynamics going on in your marriage. I can’t see into your heart and your husband’s and the various situations, which are contributing to the tension between you. All of the articles posted on our web site (or any web site or resource of any kind, except the Bible), are written by human beings who are giving general advice for certain situations. You have to know that none of it is the gospel. You have to pray, read, and glean what God shows you to be truth –to apply. What doesn’t apply –throw out that part, unless it’s a direct quote from the Bible, given in true context.
No spouse should speak “rudely and coldly” with their spouse, anytime. Yes, we all have rough days and the other spouse should be sensitive to it and give grace, as God shows and leads. But it doesn’t excuse it or justify it. It just is what it is, when you live with another person. We’re all sinners, and sometimes we do what we shouldn’t. Sadly, that’s what we do. We sin. We shouldn’t. Life isn’t fair in this fallen world, this side of Heaven. If you’re looking for fairness, you’re not going to find it.
But as for the problems you bring up in your comments, please understand that your husband didn’t write us, you did. Yes, I’m sure there is a “saturation point” where excuses just don’t fit. But all we can do is address the one who is reaching out for help and for change –even in themselves (and sometimes we don’t know we need to make changes, until we open our eyes more fully). We aren’t responsible for what our spouse does –just for what we do. Sometimes (oftentimes) by changing our approach, because of insight we’ve been given concerning ourself and/or our spouse, or both of us, our spouse eventually is more motivated to change. Oftentimes yes… I’ve seen it happen, I’ve been a part of that dynamic in my own marriage, but sometimes no. I don’t know what it will be in your marriage.
However, no matter what, you are responsible for YOUR behavior, not his. When you mention that you got “bashed” for some reason by your husband, I’m not sure if you’re talking about abuse, or if that is just a term you’re using, but abuse takes bad behavior in marriage to a whole different level. We have an “Abuse in Marriage” topic, which I highly encourage you to read through, if you are being abused. Abuse is inexcusable. You need to protect yourself. Please read through the articles, if this is the case.
You may need to do something to shake up this unhealthy dynamic, which is going on between you and your husband. I don’t know. And I don’t know what that shaking would entail. But I encourage you to pray, read, and see what insights God gives you concerning your husband, you, and your marriage. Ask Him to show you how to break this cycle of disrespectful interaction between you. You are his bride –not an object to be subjected to “bashing.” Ask God to lead you in this and make sure in the process, you are doing your part in following God’s lead. Continually asking God to show you, “What would Jesus do?” could be helpful, as it pertains to things that come up, as a result of how your husband treats you.
I hope this helps in some way. I pray the Lord leads you and guides you on this very difficult journey you are on.
(ZIMBABWE) I agree 100% with you, sometimes when you are quiet an abuser may think you are being stubborn. It can make them more angry.
(NIGERIA) I have been married for two years, found out (after the wedding) that my husband used to have homosexual relationships. I confronted him with it and he admitted and said it was a past/old behaviour. I still find indicators that he has not totally separated himself from that lifestyle. In fact, I found a chat with another man, where he was professing love and care and at the same time preaching to the person to come out of that lifestyle!!! I am very hurt, confused, too discouraged to bring this up with him again and really worried that he may have married a woman (me) as an escape, ‘cos we live in a country that has not yet publicly accepted homosexuality.
We are both born again Christians. I am trusting God and quietly allowing God handle this matter, but I feel very used because I love him very much. He’s usually not affectionate or romantic, but I found a chat he had with another man, where he was being really warm, caring and affectionate, writing things that he has never written to me before. Sometimes I find peace after I pray, other times, it’s just chaotic in my heart. I don’t sleep very much again, so I use those times to study the Bible and talk to God. I’ve got zero appetite. Sometimes I feel that I am living a lie especially, when speaks to my heart to love him no matter what.
I can’t talk to anyone we know about it ‘cos he told me the first time that it was not a struggle. We don’t have any kids yet and I’m secretly happy because I’m just not ready to do any more covenant things with him at the moment.
(USA) Tee, I couldn’t just leave the site without giving you some support. Love is a very strong bond with someone. It is hard to confront your loved one because you don’t want to hurt them. If I was in your situation, I would kindly speak to him again without getting upset. Let him know that he can trust you, and let him know that you forgive him, but that you will not tolerate the behavior. You both made a commitment before God and it states in the Bible that one shall not commit adultery. You deserve someone who will treat you like a queen and keep you as his one and only without wrinkle or blemish.
It is true to love him no matter what, but if he is doing things that upset you behind your back then maybe you should both get counseling. I pray that things will get better for you. I love my husband although he has hurt me so bad since the age of 16. I’m so consumed that I can’t get out. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Pray that the Lord will guide you and help you through, and that he will open your husband’s eyes. God bless, Elizabeth
(USA) Hello my name is Elizabeth, I met my husband in high school and we got married in 2009, after dating for four years. Last May we split up thinking it was the end seeing as I wanted to file for divorce. It was very hard because he was doing great in the ministry. On the other hand he tormented me because he reached a level of faith that I had not yet experienced. He doesn’t show me compassion and he is not affectionate with me. I have always loved him more than he has loved me.
We got back together in September last year. Now it’s almost May again and I feel emotionally drained. He blames me for his relationship with God failing. I love God and I would never take away someones relationship with him. I just felt so alone when he was caught up in the ministry because he didn’t talk to me anymore. He was always busy, and dedicating his time to others. He had no time for me and didn’t even call or text me anymore. He seems so distant and I feel so alone even though we have almost been married for 3 years. Any advice would help. God Bless.
Hello Elizabeth, please know that I am praying for you, dear Sister in Christ. Ministry can be so demanding on a man and especially for his marriage! Please know that Christ will give you the strength if you stay strong in yourself even though I know you’re feeling neglected and alone without his love, attention and affection/devotion. It sounds like he might need a lot of adoration from other outside people for building up of his self-esteem… Do you think that is possibly the truth?
Please know you are valuable and that even though you don’t always feel loved and appreciated by your husband, GOD loves and appreciates who you are on his Son JESUS Christ.
(USA) Dear Elizabeth, My heart goes out to you. A true relationship with Jesus Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit should cause a husband to be more loving to his wife, not less. It sounds like he has his priorites mixed up. It should be God first, then wife and family, then ministry & helping others, job, hobbies, etc. That is Biblical.
He may be following wrong teaching, or trying to do good works in his own efforts for personal recognition, or feels guilty about something, or is being controlling by being spiritually abusive. Ask God for insight as to why. A mature Christian understands that everyone is at a different level of spiritual growth. It is the Holy Spirit’s job to direct and teach them.
Furthermore, no one except the person themselves can shipwreck their own faith. It is not correct or fair to blame you for his relationship with God failing.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Can anyone please help me? I am trying really hard to focus on the good but feel myself slipping at times. I have been with my wonderful husband almost half of my life but feel we take each other for granted. How can I make him happier with me?
(USA) Lisa, You asked how can you make your husband happier with you? Start with making you happier with you. Please do not be offended by that statement. But if you are not happy and accepting of everything about you, how can you ask your husband to do the same? Be good to yourself, and love yourself as God loves you. If you focus solely on how to make your husband be happier with you, you will end up regreting that he does not apply the same amount of time and effort that you spent to make you happy.
“…Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise —regret it.”
Awesome words of wisdom, Jenni. You Rock in Christ, girlfriend!!!
(UK) I’m so glad I found this site. I have been married 1 year and having problems in my marriage. My husband is a wonderful man in many ways, but lack understanding in our marriage. The problem is when we have conflict, we struggle to deal with the aftermath. He can shut me out for weeks and the emotional pain I go through is unbearable. I struggle to keep a smile on my face and carry on as the loving wife no matter what.
He is a man with a lot of pride who never admits fault, but is quick to see fault in me at all times. I pray for God’s guidence, but I just can’t cope. It’s like living with a ghost who switches off, no caring, no love, just cold. Yet I am always to blame in our marriage. He tells me I’m selfish because I focus on my emotions too much and expect him to carry on as normal to make myself feel better. He avoids discussions after an argument. I’m constantly told that if I cared enough I would focus bringing out the best in him. But, how if ‘one’ emotionally shuts down?
I try, but give up because the rejection is too painful. It’s so hard. I never imagined how difficult married life could be. I feel lost, alone and miserable with a man who I can’t make happy. It’s so painful, I’m a highly emotional person and want my marriage to be a blessing. But, I’m blamed and feel like I have failed. What should I do as as a Christian wife in my situation? I am praying.
(NIGERIA) Your worries are not so strange. Instead of getting unnecessarily sad because of the situation, and since you mentioned that you pray, please shift your focus from everyday problems of the home, and devote more leisure time to making yourself happy. Visit friends, learn a new vocation, be more committed in Kingdom service, write a book etc. When you continue to wrap your mind, heart, body and soul to your husband, there can be no peace, joy or rest for you.
Finally, please do not give up on prayer and study, meditate, and observe to do what the Word of God says. IT IS WELL WITH YOU.
(NAMIBIA) I also go through nearly the same situation as yours. I understand how difficult it is. My hubby also say if I have something bothering me I should just keep quiet to maintain peace in the house. If I try to say how I feel he becomes angry and cold for some days. It really is very painful….for you want someone you love and understand you better.
(UK) Lucia I am having the exact same problem. I also have been married for nearly 2 years now and I’m finding it very hard. My husband is my life. I love him with my whole heart, but he is just cold and unloving. Sometimes (rarely) he can be so nice to me and I pray that it will continue, but before I know it he is back to his normal cold self.
I have just suffered a miscarriage. 2 days after, I started crying my husband shouted at me, yelling that I am going to make him upset if I cry and that soon I will drag everyone down with me and that I’m opening up to the devil if I cry. This is not what I was doing, I just was showing my emotions. This hurt me so much. As he was telling me not to cry, he could have comforted me but he chose to get angry. All I wanted was to be cuddled by him.
I do have to admit that this firstly, made me even more upset and then secondly, angry and I shouted at him. My emotions are raw. Now because I tried to talk about this to him and explain myself he blames me for the whole argument and is currently not talking to me. This is quite common, he never blames himself, its always me even if he did it, he claims I made him, whatever “it” may be.
I have recently just found God and I’m prayerful. I’m trying to learn a lot fast, but I feel that I am all alone. I need guidance to deal with my husband in the right way, because I’m fed up with feeling unloved. I’m a highly emotional person and I find it hard when my husband is so cold. Can anyone give me any guidance? I’m praying for a happy marriage.
(ZIM) I also have the same problem of being blamed when everything goes wrong. I am told that I am the cause of all our problems. My husband can be loving and verrry cold to he extent that I get scared. He is not violent, just cold. I can’t talk to him and if I try an argument starts. He is just angry and frustrated. I do not know what to do or say anymore. Please help.
(NAMIBIA) I think it’s common with man to blame the woman for every downfall in the marriage but I think us women have to stand our ground… show them how we feel. They have to know we don’t have a heart of stone. we really need the love. We deserve to be loved.
(SUDAN) I am at my breaking point. I dated my husband 6 yrs before we married and its been 4 yrs into the marriage. Before we married I knew we were different but we compromised and our differences just made our relationship work in a way. As soon as we got married I started realising that if things had to well I had to compromise, be it music, lifestyle or social ideas.
I didn’t mind because back then I had the energy as I thought that wasn’t much to handle. But over the years I kept feeling this emptiness in me because I was mostly living his life. If I confront him till this day he pulls a horrible tantrum and tells me he will never compromise and will continue to live as he pleases.
In my marriage money is the least of our problems. I’ve begged him to take me to different places I’ve dreamt to visit such as Israel, Dubai or even local tourist places but he will lie to me and when I confront him. He has many nasty things to say.
I have 3 beautiful kids who don’t understand why their daddy hates going out with them. But no matter how much I confront he even laughs and says you know my answer to that, just do your thing. It hurts me a lot. It is pushing us apart but he doesn’t care. We have been to counselling and I’ve fasted and prayed all the while keeping my cool, but it seems he takes my silence for foolishness. Now things have gotten worse because he believes he doesn’t need me to advise him on how we spend money. So when I get money for groceries and clothes he wants me off his back.
I feel like to him, I am a slave and a child bearing machine. No matter how I speak to him about these issues his response is always if you don’t like the way I do my thing… TOUGH! I’m SO HURT. He doesn’t care about the walls building between us because if I’m that bothered I will do what I always do… which is compromise, but I’m emotionally drained. I can’t carry on like this. By the way, I’m a stay at home mum who is the 1st in my family. My parents struggle to it and send my siblings to school but he vows never to help me as my parents are my own problem. He will buy me anything I want from designer clothes to cars, yet no help for my family. I cannot go to work due to reasons beyond my control and the best I am doing for myself is doing my masters degree. Please somebody say something. Help.me. I’m so desperate. I have no one to talk to. Please!
(UNITED STATES) Open up your heart to him; tell him exactly what you just told us. Be completely humble, which I know takes courage, and it’s really hard. He is a human being, he’s got a heart. I’m sure he’s able to soften his heart. Also, instead of buying those expensive clothes or whatever, buy cheaper stuff and save the rest of the money to help your parents.
Before I read this article I was feeling like giving up. But seeing that I’m not the only one that goes through hard times with their husbands, I felt renewed with hope. I will do the same thing I’m telling you to do, and I will also do what Jesus would do, just like the scriptures that were quoted. I will try my best to be giving and not just hoping to get. I will treat him as I would like him to treat me, and wait for the results. Good Luck!
(NIGERIA) I’m blessed with the piece I just read; more power to your elbow. My marriage is just nine months and everything seems to be falling apart. My hubby does profess to love me but he can be so cold to me. He may not talk to me for days and when I try getting his attention, he resorts to abusive words. What dscourages me most is that he drinks and smokes a lot. His parents and siblings keep talkin about how much they hated his behavior. This makes me feel ashamed that I married him. What do I do?
(USA) Please pray for God to give strength. I’m struggling with verbal abuse. We have barely been married a month and my emotions are getting the best of me making realize this is going to be a long hard journey thru life. Pray that my husband will be renewed in spirit and that all his wounds are healed. I know people who hurt are hurting.
(USA) I found this site while searching for encouragement in loving an unlovable man. I’m so glad I did. I can see I’m not alone. My husband acts very loving in public. But in private he treats me like his enemy. It is so hard to live with the way he looks at me and avoids touching me. Wednesday we will have been married 25 yrs. This has been going on for the past 5. I’m not sure how much more I can stand.
I’ve tried so hard to live a godly life. Where does my devotion to God and my marriage go when my children become effected by our troubles? Don’t I have a responsibility to my children to bring them up in a godly environment? Am I to spend the rest of my nights crying myself to sleep? Is this really the plan God has for my life?
(INDIA) I want to ask everyone if it is this wife’s fault if she loves her husband a lot but he doesn’t? I have 10 years of marriage in which from the last 9 years he does not even touch me; his eyes are full of hatered if he see me… I am fed up with this behaviour…