As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(AFRICA) Please help me, I feel my husband does not want me anymore. Sometimes I feel he does not like me. He is usually on his own. He does not make any conversation. I always have to start the conversation and he would answer me in NO’s and YESes. Our intimate life has stopped. He hardly touches me. In bed he moves away from me.
He cannot tell me what is bothering him. I know things have not been well at his working place and I thought I would be there to assure him things will work out fine eventually, but he completely shuts me out.
I have reached a point where when he moves away, I also move away because I don’t remember hurting him. Why does he behave like he does not know me? I used to pray to God to change anything that I do wrong, some things that I know and other things that I don’t remember, also praying for him and my marriage. He does not seem to change a bit. I am so discouraged and I feel prayer is not helping him either. When I start to pray I fail to construct any sentence because my mind is so congested and I don’t know where to start from. I have given up and I am only waiting for him to react in whatever way he so wishes. I can’t just take it any more.
(USA) Continue to pray…God is with you…
(UNITED STATES) That is my husband to a tee.
I struggled just as you did. I found myself trying to figure out what I did wrong and how can I fix it. I also prayed for God to soften his heart. But He didn’t change my husband. Then, as I kept enduring my husbands emotional abuse, I prayed a different prayer. I asked God (with deep sincerity) for my husband never to hurt me again and not to allow him to make me cry again… Guess what?! He changed me!! He gave me STRENGTH!! To this day, I KID YOU NOT, it baffles me how emotionally strong I’ve become. I have not cried over my husband to this day. Now, I’m saving money to leave him one day soon. But, I have to prepare in secret or he’ll leave me before I’m ready. That’s what all victims who want to leave have to do.
Now I’m going to tell you what is probably 90% wrong with your husband. But before I do, I need you to accept this very VERY important FACT… HIS BEHAVIOR IS (((NOT!))) YOUR FAULT!! You are a victim of a man with NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. Get books or Google all you can about this subject and I PROMISE YOU… That big ugly cloud that has been hanging over your head will start to disappear. Your healing will come from knowledge on this subject and it WILL save your sanity. Now, pray for God to give you strength and eventually, He will give you enough to escape from your husbands emotional abuse. I NEVER EVER believed in divorce. But you know what? God didn’t intend for us to suffer the rest of our lives for something that we were fooled into. My husband has been emotionally dead to me for many years. The key word here is “dead”. When your spouse is “dead” to you, you are allowed to re-marry. So no, you are not stuck. God’s Word commands Husbands to. LOVE THEIR WIFE. And ours clearly left us LONG TIME AGO. May God guide you, give you peace, and unbelievable strength to find yourself and happiness again.
(TRINIDAD) Hi, I am going through a similar situation. I would not give up on my prayer life because God is really good and the devil is trying his best to destroy God’s people. Keep praying for our unsaved love ones. They need the Lord. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. Please tell me what to do with my situatiion. Thanks. -Child of God.
(USA) POWER AGAINST EVIL MARITAL MAGNETS -From Prayer Rain By Dr Olukoya
Is your spouse running around with strange women/men? Its time to roll your sleeves and fight for your marriage.
To stop the activities of satanic intruders or strange women and men into your marriage.
Job 11: 4-20 As you open up your heart, the Holy Ghost fire would purge out every evil marital magnet designed by the enemy to ruin your marriage.
Matthew 19:6: “Wherefore they are no more twain but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together let no man put asunder.”
God intend that a man and his wife should live together in love and unity for a life time. The marriage covenant is not be broken for any reason. God’s original plan is that only death should separate a couple. However, there are many forces that seek to destroy marriage. These forces can be called anti-marriage forces. They operate by planting evil marital magnets in the home.
Such magnets include activities of strange men/women, promiscuity by either partner, ‘Jezebel’ activities, anger and control by ungodly in-laws. The Bible say let him that is afflicted pray these prayer pints with holy madness. As long as you are the first and properly married wife of the man, God will fight for you.
CONFESSIONS
JER. 1:10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant
GEN. 1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing the creepeth upon the earth.
GEN. 3:15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise they head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
LUKE 10:19 Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.
REV 12:9-10 And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast over into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.
With my heart I believe God. I believe His word and I confess with my mouth that He is Jehovah God who created the heaven and the earth. I confess that He is the beginning and the end of all things. He was. He is and forever shall be. With God, I believe nothing shall be impossible, God has spoken once and twice I’ve heard this that all power in heaven and or earth belongs to him.
As I say this power and confess the word of God, I command all the spirits of distractions and hindrances to be bound, in the name of Jesus. I cast away from me every spirit of tiredness, weakness and defeat. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I command every knee of things in heaven, on earth and in the seas that are against this prayer to know and be bound.
I ask for the presence of God to over shadow me a the dew of Hermon and His anointing oil, which breaks the yokes, to fall on my head and run through me to wrought great deliverance. As it is written, it has to pass today that the burden of the spirit husband/ wife shall be take off my shoulders and his/her yoke off my neck and the yoke shall be destroyed by the reason of the anointing oil.
By the grace of God, I have accepted Jesus Christ and I am now saved. Jesus love me, he shed his blood for me and washed me in that same blood, brought me back from the hand of my strong enemy and redeemed me. I am a beneficiary of every work of redemption and restoration which Jesus finished on the cross of Calvary through death Jesus destroyed him who had the power death. Now, I shall not die but live because Jesus has become my deliverer, my defender, my protector, my high tower, my refuse, my victory, the author and the finisher of my faith. Jesus has set me free and I have received deliverance. I have been delivered from the law of sin and death. God has translated my life from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of his dear own son.
All power in heaven and on earth belongs to my Lord Jesus. Jesus Christ has given me authority in his name against all powers of darkness and has given me authority in his name against all powers of darkness and their operations. Now, in the name of Jesus, I overcome you spirit husband/wife by the blood of Jesus. I am born of God and I have overcome the world by my faith. I am a child of light, darkness cannot overcome or comprehend me. I command all forces of spiritual marriage fashioned against me to be struck with the light of God. Light and darkness cannot dwell together. I use the word of God as my light to break the spell of the spirit husband/ wife oppressing me through darkness.
In the name of Jesus Christ, I reject and break every link with the kingdom of darkness through any conscious/unconscious relationship with any spirit husband/wife. It is written, “Every tree not planted by God shall be rooted in the kingdom of darkness. I am bought with a price. Jesus paid the price through his shed blood. The Bible says, God already predestined me to belong to him before the foundations of the world were laid. Jesus paid the price through his shed blood. The Bible says, God already predestined Christ is now my husband, Am married to him eternally. The Bible says, whosoever defiles the temple of God shall be destroyed. I command destruction upon the spirit husband/ wife that has been stubbornly defiling me, the temple of God.
In the name of Jesus, let every spiritual dowry ever paid on me by the spirit husband be made of no effect again in my life. Let any legal ground in the form of agreement, promises, vows and covenants made on my behalf or passed away; behold all things have become new. I renounce and reject white stone shall be given to me by the spirit husband/ wife. It is written a new name that no one else knows. I cast to the bottomless pit any evil spirit transferred into me through my contact with the spirit husband/wife physically or in my dreams. I break every rule and law binding me to him/ her with the blood of Jesus. I set on fire any wedding certificate, wedding ring, gown and gifts. Let every spirit child that is between us roast now, in the name of Jesus. Let the blood of Jesus that cleanses from all impurities purge my body of every sexual pollution and contamination of the spirit husband/ wife.
Every covenant that is strongly binding me to any evil spiritual marriage be broken. For it is written, God has made a new covenant with me and all others are old and annulled. Every curse place upon my body, my business, my property, my home and marriage by the sprit husband/wife loose your hold now by the blood of Jesus. Who shall curse him that the Lord has blessed. It is written, God will bless them that bless me and curse them that curse me.
Whosoever rolls a stone, it shall fall on him; and whosoever dug a pit shall fall therein. Therefore, I return to the senders all curse placed upon me and anything that pertains to me, in the name of Jesus. Every tongue rising up against me in the kingdom of darkness, I condemn you in the judgment of God.
There is no divination or enchantment against me. Let every physical and spiritual activities of land marine witchcraft be completely wiped off by the blood of Jesus.
Let every water associated with activities of spiritual husband/wife in my dreams be polluted with the blood of Jesus. Let the fire of God destroy every workmanship of the devil fashioned against me through the operations of the spirit husband/wife. Every attack and operations of the demons of spiritual marriages lunched through eating in the dream, because impotent and of no effect. I shall eat a deadly thing and it shall not harm me.
In the name of Jesus, I use the blood of Jesus to set a boundary between me and the spirit husband/wife. Henceforth let no spirit husband/wife trouble me for I bear in my body the mark of the precious blood of the Lamb of God. I command that the spirit husband/wife cannot steal, or kill, or destroy any good thing in my life any longer. God has raised me up to sit with Jesus Christ in heavenly places, far above principalities, powers; all do minions and all their thrones and kingdoms whether visible or invisible. Jesus is the head of all principalities and powers, and I am complete in him who is the head of all things. All the powers of darkness are under my feet. I use the power in the blood and in the name of Jesus to put a stop to all disturbances and oppression i my dreams, I forbid all forms of sexual attacks, eating, drinking, swimming, wandering, being naked or bathing in my dreams. I shall be far from oppression and from terror, for it shall not always lie down, sleep and awake for the Lord sustains me. Therefore shall I not fear the powers of the night.
I prophesy that every good thing the spirit husband/wife has chased away or diverted from reaching me shall restored the ones he/she has stolen, killed or destroyed shall come back to life in my, for Jesus has come to cankerworm, the palmer-worm and the grasshoppers have eaten and destroyed. Therefore I confess and receive divine restoration in my marriage, in my health, in my finances in my spiritual well-being and in all other areas of my life.
I confess and posses my total deliverance from the bondage of the spirit husband/wife, and I seal my divine freedom with the blood of Jesus.
PRAISE WORSHIP
1. Thank God because he is going to intervene in your marriage through these prayer points.
2. I destroy anything that is going to stand between me and my prayers now, in the name of Jesus.
3. The anointing to pray to the point of breakthrough in my marriage, fall upon me now, in the name of Jesus.
4. Lord Jesus, I invite you to come to my aid in every difficult situation in my marriage.
5. All my matrimonial properties, which the strange woman sat upon, I withdraw them, in the name of Jesus.
6. I withdraw peace, harmony, unity, love affair between my husband and the strange woman, in the name of Jesus.
7. Lord Jesus, let the strange and unholy love affair between my husband and the strange woman die.
8. I withdraw the favor of my husband from the strange woman, in the name of Jesus.
9. I stand against every power of polygamy, in the name of Jesus.
10. All spiritual evil arrows fired from the strange woman presently in my marriage, loose your grip upon my marriage and go back to your sender, in the name of Jesus.
11. Let confusion be the lot of every strange woman militating against my marriage.
12. Let irreparable division be between… (mention the name of your husband)… (mention the name of the strange woman if your know it), in the name of Jesus.
13. Angel of God, go right away and disconnect he relationship between my husband and the strange woman, in Jesus’ name.
14. Every strange woman militating against my marriage, receive the judgment of God, in the name of Jesus.
15. I nullify every evil judgment that is against me in my marriage, in the name of Jesus.
16. Let all the hindrances to the manifestation of my restoration to my rightful home depart from me and my marriage, in Jesus’ name.
17. Lion of Judah, consume every fake lion of the strange woman roaring against my marriage, in the name of Jesus.
18. Thunder of fire of God, begin to scatter to pieces, every stronghold of the strange woman in the heart of my husband, in Jesus’ name.
19. You demons energizing the relationship between my husband and any strange woman, be rendered impotent and be roasted by the fire of God, in the name of Jesus.
20. Angels of the living God, brush off the love of the strange woman completely from the heart of my husband, in Jesus’ name.
21. Lord Jesus, create a new heart in my husband.
22. Every open door that the strange woman is using to gain ground in my husband=s life and in my home, receive the blood of Jesus and be close, in the name of Jesus.
23. God of new beginnings, begin a new thing in my marital life, in the name of Jesus.
24. Blood of the Lamb, flow into the foundation of my marital life and give it a new lease of life, in the name of Jesus.
25. Father Lord, let your kingdom be established in my marriage, in the name of Jesus.
26. O Lord, create a wall of fire between my husband and the strange woman, so that they may be separated forever.
27. Every evil veil covering the face of my husband, receive the fire of God; and burn to ashes, in Jesus mighty name.
28. I recover all my legal rights as the woman of the house from the hands of the strange woman, in the name of Jesus.
29. Every trap of destruction fashioned against my husband by the strange woman, fail woefully, in the name of Jesus.
30. Let the stones of the fire of God locate the heads of my household serpents, in the name of Jesus.
31. I crush the head of the ancient serpent afflicting me and my household with the shoes of iron, in the name of Jesus.
32. Let all the strong holds of the serpent and scorpion in my household receive the thunder of God and be dismantled, in the name of Jesus.
33. Let all habitation of the serpent and the scorpion in my household become utterly desolate, in the name of Jesus.
34. Let the thunder and fire of God, expose all the secret places of my household enemies and consume them all, in the name of Jesus.
35. Let every legal ground of household wickedness in my home be nullified by the blood of Jesus.
36. Let every evil association of the serpent with any member of my family, be terminated now, in the name of Jesus.
37. Let the custodian of my household serpent and scorpion fall down and die, in the name of Jesus.
38. I dismantle the head of all my Goliath, in the name of Jesus.
39. Every power and spirit in the likeness of snakes attacking me in my dreams be buried, in the name of Jesus.
40. Every property of the enemy in any area of life, receive the fire of God and be melted, in the name of Jesus.
41. I challenge the root of any serpentine spirit deposit in my body to be rearranged by the fire of God, in the name of Jesus.
42. I vomit poison of the serpent and scorpion circulating in my body, in the name of Jesus.
43. Every serpentine pollution affecting my health be flushed out of my system by the blood of Jesus.
44. Every injury inflicted on my marriage by household serpents, be healed by the blood of Jesus.
45. Every household serpent spitting on my breakthroughs, be neutralized by the blood of Jesus.
46. Every good thing in my life swallowed by the household serpent be converted to fire and vomited into my hands, in Jesus’ name.
47. Every good thing in my life paralyzed by the poison of the household serpent, receive the blood of the Lamb and be made whole, in the name of Jesus..
48. Let all the activities of the serpent in every area of m life be totally paralyzed, in the name of Jesus.
49. Henceforth, let no enemy trouble me for I bear in my body the mark of the blood of the Lamb of God.
50. Father Lord, I thank you for restoring the joy of my marriage.
(USA) I am going through the same thing. We have been together almost 12 years. He never wants to have sex. He says he is depressed and that I don’t care. But I do and I try to talk but he want just says he is going through some things. That’s when I get mad because I too am going through those same things with him and I still try to reach out to him. I also pray to God to help us. Anytime I see a penny or shooting star ect my wish is always the same, I wish for us to find each other again. I never pray or wish for it to be like it used to be because even I know it will never be. When I ask him why we don’t have sex he says he doesn’t want to but not to worry and gives me the famous line IT’S NOT YOU IT’S ME!! That scares me even more.
Now I am to the point where I am just mad at him all the time. He is being selfish. It’s not just about what he wants. When we fight he says the meanest things and says sorry later that he didn’t mean it but I don’t believe that either. Why else would he say the same things over and over? Lately the more he pulls away from me the madder I get. Sometimes I don’t even want to try and fix then I think of our little girl. I don’t know what to do. I am scared and alone and pissed off.
(UNITED STATES) Wow! You just explained what’s going on with my husband and I. We have been married for 34 years and have 5 children. I get so angry because I have done everything to make him happy and he acts like he can’t stand to look at me at times. I too pray all the time. I put up with his drinking for 25 of those years. So I paid my dues. I am starting to think that I would be better off leaving. I think the only thing he would miss is his dinner. Well, I guess I didn’t make you feel better but wanted you to know you’re not alone in this. I will pray for you and I hope you do the same for me. May God hear our prayers tonite.
(USA) You are not alone. I have been married for 30 years; my husband drank early in our marriage and then stopped after we had children. We have 4 children all grown and the youngest a senior in high school. My husband has completely given up on our marriage and everything else in his life. He has returned to drinking. He quite his job. It has put a terrible financial burden on us.
He will not help around the house. He is constantly calling me at work and yelling at me or calling me names because he is drunk. I pray every day that he will return to his normal self and we can have a meaningful relationship. Our children love their dad and are so hurt by his behavior. I try to talk to him and he completely shuts me out. I feel so alone and hurt. I know he realizes how I feel and he just disregards my feelings like they don’t matter.
I don’t know what the answer is. I guess just pray. I too have been sick in the past couple of years. I was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had a radical nephrectomy. I feel like he should be providing for our family especially since there are times that I need a break. It hurts me more to look back on the situation and know that when I needed him to be supportive he wasn’t. I work 40 hrs a week and take care of the house and animals. I also try to make sure all my children have what they need. I just got his mother placed in a nursing home because I couldn’t take care of her anymore. She has alzheimers and I had to move her in with us for the past 4 years since she couldn’t care for herself. I think he at least should be cordial to me for that. I don’t get it. I have always seen the best in every situation but I am noticing a huge change in myself.
I am up tight and often find my self shaky due to worry about finances. We have always been a two income family and I have always been responsible but my water and electric has been turned off several times since he stopped working. That has never happened in our 30 years of marriage. It creates a lot of stress for me and he will not hear anything I have to say about my worries. We have put 3 of our children through college and the last one is getting ready to go after graduation. I am perplexed about what to do when the nest is empty. I long for my husband to go back to normal but don’t know if he wants it that way. Any advice?
I struggled just as you did. I found myself trying to figure out what I did wrong and how can I fix it. I also prayed for God to soften his heart. But He didn’t change my husband. Then, as I kept enduring my husbands emotional abuse, I prayed a different prayer. I asked God (with deep sincerity) for my husband never to hurt me again and not to allow him to make me cry again… Guess what?! He changed me!! He gave me STRENGTH!! To this day, I KID YOU NOT, it baffles me how emotionally strong I’ve become. I have not cried over my husband to this day. Now, I’m saving money to leave him one day soon. But, I have to prepare in secret or he’ll leave me before I’m ready. That’s what all victims who want to leave have to do.
Now I’m going to tell you what is probably 90% wrong with your husband. But before I do, I need you to accept this very VERY important FACT… HIS BEHAVIOR IS (((NOT!))) YOUR FAULT!! You are a victim of a man with NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. Get books or Google all you can about this subject and I PROMISE YOU… That big ugly cloud that has been hanging over your head will start to disappear. Your healing will come from knowledge on this subject and it WILL save your sanity. Now, pray for God to give you strength and eventually, He will give you enough to escape from your husbands emotional abuse. I NEVER EVER believed in divorce. But you know what? God didn’t intend for us to suffer the rest of our lives for something that we were fooled into. My husband has been emotionally dead to me for many years. The key word here is “dead”. When your spouse is “dead” to you, you are allowed to re-marry. So no, you are not stuck. God’s Word commands Husbands to. LOVE THEIR WIFE. And ours clearly left us LONG TIME AGO. May God guide you, give you peace, and unbelievable strength to find yourself and happiness again.
I struggled just as you did. I found myself trying to figure out what I did wrong and how can I fix it. I also prayed for God to soften his heart. But He didn’t change my husband. Then, as I kept enduring my husband’s emotional abuse, I prayed a different prayer. I asked God (with deep sincerity) for my husband never to hurt me again and not to allow him to make me cry again… Guess what?! He changed me!! He gave me STRENGTH!! To this day, I KID YOU NOT, it baffles me how emotionally strong I’ve become. I have not cried over my husband to this day. Now, I’m saving money to leave him one day soon. But, I have to prepare in secret or he’ll leave me before I’m ready. That’s what all victims who want to leave have to do.
Now I’m going to tell you what is probably 90% wrong with your husband. But before I do, I need you to accept this very VERY important FACT… HIS BEHAVIOR IS (((NOT!))) YOUR FAULT!! You are a victim of a man with NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. Get books or Google all you can about this subject and I PROMISE YOU… that big ugly cloud that has been hanging over your head will start to disappear. Your healing will come from knowledge on this subject and it WILL save your sanity. Now, pray for God to give you strength and eventually, He will give you enough to escape from your husband’s emotional abuse. I NEVER EVER believed in divorce. But you know what? God didn’t intend for us to suffer the rest of our lives for something that we were fooled into. My husband has been emotionally dead to me for many years. The key word here is “dead”. When your spouse is “dead” to you, you are allowed to re-marry. So no, you are not stuck. God’s Word commands Husbands to LOVE THEIR WIFE. And ours clearly left us LONG TIME AGO. May God guide you, give you peace, and unbelievable strength to find yourself and happiness again.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Mary D, I really feel for you and I pray that God opens your husband’s heart so he can open up to you. You must be feeling neglected and unloved I know, but don’t stop praying. Don’t stop showing him that you care. If you have really tried talking to him without success, I suggest you write him a letter expressing how you feel and how his actions are hurting you. Tell him that you are at a point where you feel like your relationship is heading for the rocks. You feel like you are losing him as you cannot connect with him emotionally any longer. Tell him that you would not like to look elsewhere for affection when he is there.
This is not a threat, but a possibility! I hope he is not the violent type or extremely jealous because he is going to take as if you are saying that you will cheat on him! But if he is jealous, he will start listening, I can guarantee you. You need to be a little hard on these African men, otherwise it’s like talking to a wall.
Trust in the Lord and as you write your letter, invite the holy spirit to speak to him in a way that will make him understand that you are serious about this and you want a change in your marriage that will lead to a happier life for the both of you. I’m also in a dilemma with my husband and I don’t know what I feel anymore. See article on How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle to see my story. God will help you my sister. I am praying for you. Take care.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has push me away so often that I am not sure how to ask God for help. He has two children from two previous relationships. We now have four children together and one on the way. He told me that if I continued this pregnancy I will make this relationship bad. I told him that I would not abort this baby. He did research on the computer and in the Bible. He found that it was considered to be murder if I did so. He left that situation alone.
However, he tells me that it is okay for married men to have sex with other women. And that it is not considered adultery. I asked him what about the promise that he made to God and me when we married. I told him that if he wanted to have sex with other women I would leave him. It is not a threat. I couldn’t bear to wonder who he was with or if he was coming home.
To sum it all up, he tells me that I’m not worth talking to at all. If I say anything to him he will snap at me. We basically have no communication at all. We don’t hug, kiss or say I love you. He doesn’t acknowledge that I’m pregnant. Everyone tells me how big my belly is and it’s like he can’t see it. We might have sex once a month.
I have begun to feel like I don’t care anymore. He says that I’m controlling and disrespectful. He doesn’t feel women should work outside the house. He tells me that everything that was bad that has ever happened to us, is all my fault. He tells me not to ask questions and I shouldn’t speak unless he has spoken to me. He says I’ve made him feel this way about me. He doesn’t love me like he use to. He tells me that I need to be just the housewife and mother to the children.
What happened to companionship and what a mother and wife may need? Sometimes I feel like a part of me is dying inside. How can I pray for us? I’m confused. One time he stopped talking to me for six months. I prayed that things would work out for us. And it did, just the day before I was going to tell him I wanted a divorce. I am seven and a half months pregnant now. I don’t feel I am strong enough to pull us through this situation. I am scared I will get sick again.
About five yrs ago when I was pregnant and we had so many problems at the time, I didn’t realize how much attention that I placed on us as a couple and I got sick. I was rushed to the hospital and an emergency c-section was performed. I had placenta abruption. Our baby didn’t survive and I almost died too. My blood pressure spiked so high causing this to happen to me. I was stressed out.
I will always love him and I believe that God put us together. I also know that God is real… I wonder could it be that our time is up together as a couple? I have given up so much just to be with him. I raised his two children. They feel like they are my own. I prayed until I am numb. I haven’t gotten an answer from God. I need help because I can’t do this alone.
(UNITED STATES) Moni, do you have a place that you can go to, like your parents or a sister or someone close? Sometimes it is best to separate for a while so that things can get better. Your spouse needs to see that you aren’t his doormat or take for granted that you will be there no matter how he treats you.
I don’t believe in divorce but I don’t think things can get better when one partner gets no respect at all and is taken for granted and stepped on. You cannot keep putting up with it or it won’t change. Not speaking to you for six months is an extreme form of emotional and mental abuse, and so is talking about having sex with other women. This shows that your husband has no respect for you.
I pray God will open up a way for you and the children to get out of this situation so that you might gain some leverage to force your husband into counseling. Leaving him may force his hand to get help. It’s better than what you have now.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Moni, This is not an easy situation that you are finding yourself in. Have you tried counselling? My dear, I really feel for you. I got pregnant by my husband sometime before we got married and he did not want the baby. He told me to abort as he did not want any baby at his age. I was so hurt, disappointed and shattered. I could not go on with the abortion. It’s against my values and principles as a Christian. It was my first baby and I wanted to be a mother. I felt that he did not love me. He neglected me throughout the pregnancy. He had another girlfriend/s and just did not have the time for me.
I used to cry everyday and I isolated myself from friends as I did not want anyone asking me about him or when we were going to get married. Luckily, I had a good health plan and I went to a private hospital. When I gave birth and he came to the hospital, he said that the baby did not look like him at all and I could sense that he was trying to tell me that it’s not his child. And yes, the child looks more like me. But is it my fault? Do I prescribe who I want the child to look like? He started being nicer to me after the baby was born and tried to spend time with me when he felt like it. Four months down the line I was pregnant again and he still asked me to abort, but this time he was better than the first time.
He used to invite me to his house every now and then and would not even try to hide women’s clothing or items. I felt like he deliberately wanted to help me. I wanted to leave him, but he would not allow me. He would come to my house and beg me and say he would change, or he would turn it around and make it my fault. He just did not have respect for me.
This behaviour did not really change, but I still married him anyway. I don’t think I still loved him enough to marry him, but I felt that since he was the father of my babies, why not? After all, I did not want my children to grow up without a father. Bad move, maybe? The struggle still continues though. I don’t think he has a girlfriend anymore, but I know that he is still in touch with his ex’s which does not make the situation any better anyway.
What I’m trying to get at my dear is that you are not alone in this. In my opinion, if a man tells you in your face that it is okay for him to sleep with other women, he does not respect you. How does he think you will feel? Excited? I don’t think so! That’s emotional abuse. I have been through it and I have fought hard against it because if you don’t, you will start believing all the nasty things that he says about you. How can he say you are not worth talking to? What makes him more important than you?
If your husband does not want to talk to you, tell him that it’s either you go for counselling together or you separate from him until such time that he sees fit to talk. If he does not talk to you, but can have sex with you, what is he trying to do here? I know prayer is the best medicine, but you’ve got to help yourself too. Be firm, but pray at the same time. God will help you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I have been seeing my friend for 5 years. We both have been married before (we are divorced now). We have so much in common and get on very well with one another being of course, mature adults. My question… he does not believe in marriage the second time around? He prefers we live together as a couple. He believe that we were married before, it did not work out, why take that chance again? Me on the other hand, believes in the sanctity of marriage… I believe that we can make it work as we are both mature adults and know where we went wrong the first time. He feels that it will spoil the fun. This is making me unhappy. I’m not sure what to do.
(USA) For those women writing in with emotionally distant spouses, I say to leave them. The situations below are heart-rending, and the women are being emotionally abused.
Go for counselling help, for sure, and continue praying and asking God to lead you, but these men will not change unless something drastic happens. Leaving them is not the same as divorcing them, but they are abusing you. You have to take care of yourselves and your children and waiting for these men to change is not doing that.
I have found that many times God acts when we act. Make plans to leave, be definite and firm, and then listen carefully to what the spirit says to you. He may say to go; he may say to leave; and if you sense nothing, then go ahead and leave, but continue to be open to his leading.
I am in an emotionally abusive relationship also, and have no love for my husband left, but we are in counselling and so I will stick it out for a while longer. I am so dead to my husband that I wonder if I even want this relationship to be saved. But women tend to dither and dither when sometimes decisive action is needed.
Remember, God can’t lead you if you’re not in motion. I’d rather make a move and get His red light and know I’m not to do that, than wonder and wonder in agony for years.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I can so relate to this; I see it was written some time ago, I’m wondering what has happened with you?
(KENYA) I am born-again Christian. Adultery in Africa-Kenya is no big deal – especially to the men. They are allowed to have more than one woman in their lives-I don’t know who allows them because the last time I checked, God does not stand adultery and allows separation if it happens.
When God created Adam he did not create Eve, Mary,Alice. The Bible says “…and a man will leave his parents and join with his wife”, and not wives.
Am so sorry to react this way and I hope it does not offend anyone. All the female friends and family around me are having issues with their marriages and I don’t know how to react because I am also married and confused.
(USA) My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs and I love him with all my heart. He used to be such a fun person and was my best friend. We had relations all the time and was together all the time because we enjoyed each other so much. It now has been 1 1/2 years since we have made love and as time goes on, we are getting further and further apart.
I get NO affection from him at all. The thing that is hurting me worse of all is no matter what I try to talk to him about he cuts me off like he doesn’t want to listen and the TV is more important that what I have to say. I even have tried to keep what I want to say during the commercials. But one time he made the comment "why are you even telling me that, it has no bearing on my life, so why are you even talking to me about that." IT HAS NO BEARING ON HIS LIFE??
That comment cut like a knife, I feel like MY LIFE has no bearing on his life. I tried to tell him that I just wanted to talk to him and share my day, but he doesn’t care about my day, he doesn’t care about anything that matters to me. He hates to visit with people as well as family, and my family is very important to me. But every time I want to have them over or go to visit them, it ends up in a fight. Our house is always very clean, but he excuses getting mad cause I should stay home and clean, instead of wasting time visiting my Mom or son.
One time I wanted to spend the day with my Mom and he got mad cause then he would have to clean house on HIS day off… Am I not entitled to a day off? I work between 45-60 hrs a week so I think that I am entitled to have a day off. Can anyone help me get my head wrapped around what is going of with him? I love him and I don’t want to leave him, but he is really making me feel not good about myself and I NEED him to listen or give me some sort of affection. I don’t know how to get that point across to him without it ending in a fight… please help.
(USA) I need someone too talk to. Will you contact me so we can talk?
(SOUTH AFRICA) U can talk to me
(USA) Read the book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
What is it you love? Your husband certainly is not treating you with love. You can love another who is undeserving, but to put yourself thru what such emptiness and pain with a supposed partner is very unloving to yourself! Jesus said to love God and to love others AS WE LOVE OURSELVES.
I pray you find God’s Love for you leads you to love and value yourself and treat yourself as well as you treat others! Blessings from a sister!
(UNITED STATES) Dear Loulou, I first I know it has been since 2009 since your post. I know it must have been hard exspressing what you are going through even if no one may know you! Now 3 yrs have passed I’m left wondering how it worked out for your marriage? I pray that you and your husband have a better relationship now!
I went through something simliar to your situation and not just once, but off and on for the past 11 yrs now. But not now we are in counseling. I will confess I feel my spouse loves me very much but he never really knew how to express his feelings, nor did he know how to communicate. I learned over time a lot of him pushing away was because I never really let him talk or express himself the way I should have after all these years!
We’re on the road, I hope and pray, to a better relationship and are finally nipping things in the bud, so to speak, that has needed to be done by us both for so long! I pray that over these three years you both have found your way back to each other just like before and with respect.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Loulou, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I can relate to what you are going through in so many ways. This sounds like emotional abuse to me. I also don’t get any affection, I need to beg for a hug (can you believe that) he just watches TV all day, never talks to me, doesn’t want to spend time with my family, we only visit his friends… and so the list goes on and on….
(S. AFRICA) Can somebody please help me? I just do not know what to do anymore. I have prayed and prayed and know that God is in control but perhaps my faith must be weak because this pain will just not go away. My husband has been having an affair for the past nine months. It started from "flirting on the internet"(with a lady in New Zealand) and progressed from there to a full blown relationship. When in the beginning stages of this affair I approached my husband it led to many arguments and I decided that marriage counseling was what we needed. We went to counselling and it really helped. I left after our last session feeling on top of the world and I believed my husband felt the same. We were close again and the future looked bright or so I thought.
It was only one week later that I found an SMS on his phone which told me they had never stopped contacting each other. I was devastated and immediately contacted our counselor and made another appointment. We went together again and after this my husband said he was not going again because he felt the counselor was biased and not considering his feelings at all. Anyway, soon after this he left home telling me he needed time to think. He said it was going to be a six months separation.
Before he left he took my credit card away and changed all the passwords to our joint banking account.This really hurt as I have never abused our finances in anyway.This resulted in me having to open my own banking account into which I could put my salary and pay for day to day expenses. He did however continue to pay for all major expenses such as the bond, rates and taxes etc and for this I am so grateful.
Anyway, the moment he left home he was free to continue with his affair without me looking over his shoulder. He became more and more distant from me and despite my pleading, tears and sometimes anger he continued mercilessly. Then the day came when he told me he wanted a divorce. I cried bitterly for days and then decided to seek legal advise. An agreement was drawn up and my husband was told to find his own lawyer should he want to file for divorce. (I refused to divorce him.) The day before this agreement was to be signed I was woken up early in the morning with my husband standing at the gate. He was home again. He said he had ended the affair – IT WAS OVER. When I asked him what changed his mind he said God had spoken to him. I was overjoyed and praised God for answering my prayers.
All went well for a day or two but after I asked questions and he told me the truth I fell apart again. She had visited him from New Zealand and their relationship had been physical. They were engaged to be married and had spent a wonderful three week holiday together squandering all our hard earned savings. During our separation he had also signed a two and a half year contract to work overseas and it had been part of their plan to get away. (By the way she is also married.) I felt so betrayed. How could he have done all this behind my back?
I tried so hard to get over my anger and hurt and continued to remind myself that he was back with ME and that was all that mattered. I prayed to God to help me. When I asked him if he loved me he said I must give him time. Oh boy this hurt especially since I love him so much. One day a week after he had come home I found an e-mail to his lover saying he can’t forget her and that he doesn’t love me. In the e-mail they had made a "deal" and his promise to her was that he would be in New Zealand with her in three months time. I did not tell him I had seen this as I did not want him to leave me for his overseas working contract (that was legally binding) with bad vibes between us. This was so incredibly hard.
Well, he has been gone for just over two weeks now and I am hurting so badly. His e-mails to me are short cold and abrupt. If I question him in any way he never answers me. He never says I love you and carefully dodges anything of importance.
My question is how should I deal with the situation I am in? I love him so much but have been told by family and friends to pick myself up and move on in life. I am in limbo and don’t know where to turn. I have given this problem to God but still have bad days like today when I feel at a loss. I pray everyday for God to change his heart. Please help me. Why is my trust in the Lord so weak? What must I do to move on? What should my approach to my husband be like? Am I making a fool of myself?
(USA) Rose, this is the time since he is gone, to grow emotionally detached from your husband. You have to pick up and move on. You know in your heart, that she is with him overseas. Please, tell him you know. You should have told him you knew before he left, so he wouldn’t think he is doing you a favor by saving you from heartbreak. You are heart broken now and he doesn’t know it. Why send yourself through so much pain? Please move on.
When she breaks his heart, he’s coming back home to you. He put you on a backburner for her. And when she hurts him, he’s gonna come back to you. He can’t drag you along on his string. You’ve got to cut the cord. If you do take him back, you’re really not going to want him because it’s not the same love it was when you two first met. It will be rebound love, him getting over her and realizing you will always be there for him. You deserve to be no one’s fool, Rose. Don’t be a fool for love.
(USA) My spouse after 25 of marriage, totally devoted/bipolar, not working, took off his wedding ring and said he was through. Because he was verbally abusive, I moved out on a trial basis. He had a date while still married, and moved women into the house 10 days later. How right or wrong is this? He wants me back.
(ENGLAND) Please read ‘Love Must Be Tough’ by James Dobson.
(NIGERIA) I feel so much for you Rose and I am just wondering if you have children? If you do, my first concern is for you to be strong! You must put yourself together (by the help of God) and MOVE ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, bearing in mind that your children too will need a time of adjustment and you can’t afford to let all of you go down the drain emotionally. You must know that only God can heal your wound and soothe your pains, so give them to HIM.You should know also that ONLY GOD CAN FILL THE EMPTINESS IN YOUR HEART!!!
I fear that your whole life and meaning has been tied to your marriage all this while. You must derive meaning from GOD! That is the only standpoint that can swallow disappointments and still be able to find reason for living. Know that I am married with my own marital troubles too (different from yours although but not any less) but I have decided that no man (human) is big enough to make life miserable for me. YOU MUST MOVE ON BABY!!
(S. AFRICA) Thank you Sarah, your words have been so encouraging. I do have two children but both in their late twenties and happily married and have their own homes. They have also been hard hit though and can not understand why the father they love dearly should be doing this to me. They are hurting as well. I forgot to mention that my husband and I have been married for 35 years.
I will take your advice and move on. I will not sit around taking this abuse a moment longer. Yes, you are right "only God can fill the emptiness in my heart." I will derive meaning in life through God. I will continue to pray for my husband that God will change his heart. Thank you so much for your kind words. I will pray for you Sarah as well. May God bless you.
(US) I’m not sure what to do. My husband of 17 years is on the verge of having an affair. We have three children under the age of six. One is a newborn. We came together as friends and I really felt God had blessed us with each other. Those who know him well comment all the time about how good we are for each other.
The problem is two fold. It has not been easy for us over the years. He feels that I broke promises to him concerning physical fitness (I am currently 40 lbs over and wear a size 12. When we married was probably size 2 (to small…was unhealthy size) and at my best I was size 6 around 125-130 (felt and looked good). So, that was 17 years ago and three pregnancies and c-sections later here I am.
I’ve never been a athletic person and he is. He feels that he has done and stayed true to every promise he made to me when we married and I have betrayed him by breaking the promise I made to stay in shape. I’ve yo-yoed through the years and was in a pretty good place before baby 1. But after the delivery he saw my friends all get immediately back in shape and lost it with me. He says I have been unfaithful with my promises to him and he kept his. Now all bets are off and I know he is currently in an online affair with someone with plans to eventually meet. I found his profile and his intention is to stay in the marriage and wants a long term affair with one person who is married also. He is unaware that I know.
In years past I “invaded” his privacy and he has gone to extreme measures to insure I don’t do it again. I’ve been locked out of our phone account (can’t have me seeing strange phone numbers) and he announced that he would not be explaining every business trip to me because I was checking up on him. The ironic thing is I had stopped looking in on him for the past year and it has been his recent behavior that had my bells ringing.
My dilemma is this…we are in a odd place. I have made mistakes through the years and I accept that some of this is just desserts to me. He does have a beef in some ways. He basically has presented me with this: What is better? Separate and divorce and leave the marriage without becoming unfaithful but we are apart and the kids are hurt…never to be together again. Or, stay together in the same home… be friends and parents and keep in the “game” with each other and perhaps we will naturally rebuild old feelings.
He wants that to be the outcome but realizes there is a risk of infidelity. I would have to adopt a don’t ask don’t tell acceptance of it all. Right now he feels all he can offer is to be friends and we are still sleeping together and being intimate if it occurs naturally (no pressure on me or him to have sex). He says right now the husband died in him a year ago.
From his perspective he begged me to fix this then…really five years ago when I “betrayed” him. He hopes that with the friendship approach we can have hope of rebuilding. I want that for my kids but can I accept the infidelity if (who am I kidding?) and when it occurs. In his mind he does not feel it is wrong…he has found a coping mechanism for dealing with the hurts I gave him. He also feels that I did not respond to his sexual desires in a way that validated him. He feels I mocked or judged him when he expressed his desires.
I need to mention that he is approaching 40 and there have been issues all along but the affair pursuit has really come to a head in the last year and in the last two months he has closed off completely from me and is pouring himself into this internet relationship. His phone went on the fritz for two days and he was desperate to get back online with her.
Today I asked him if he had found someone already and he said I should consider if I want the answer to that. A no win question and answer for both of us. If he says no then he gives me false confidence in him… can’t say it will remain that way and perhaps we should call it quits. If yes, then it’s out there and I will have to either openly accept it or call it quits and tear my family apart. Again..I know that the relationship is new (one month) and I feel that the initial meet and physical contact has not taken place yet. I know he has never been unfaithful before.
Here’s the thing…I know him and he might go through with this affair but he will regret it so deeply that I’m not sure he will recover from it. He has a depression issue (chemical imbalance) that makes him very moody and now it’s even worse. And this person will not live up to his fantasy of what he wants her to be. His expectations are so high for everyone around him. It might last a few months but I think no one will last long term with him.
I’ve struggled for years trying to meet his needs and serve him and he can be very difficult to please. Never is content (oh…I know some will bristle at that) but I have to tell you that he has left the military for me, sacrificed something he loved to do for something else not as satisfying, given me children and provided the means for me to be a stay home mom. I respect him so much for that…it has not been easy.
My gut feeling is that I need to make the effort to save this marriage. Three kids are involved and I know from personal experience how important that father relationship is to them (especially girls). I lost mine at 16. If we go our separate ways there will be no opportunity to go back. At least together with friendship between us we might have a chance of letting go of all the past hurts and baggage and rebuilding. There is hope there. Am I crazy? Am I a doormat? Can I survive the hit if he a full blown affair?
(US) You my dear, are being used as an excuse. He is trying to put his guilt on you. You love him and because of your children you are willing to be blinded by what he is really doing. Staying together for children is never an answer. It is reported in case after case that children actually wish parents to get a divorce when there is not a loving relationship. There doesn’t even have to be open fighting, children sense the tension.
Answer this for yourself. Are you loved the way God intended you to be loved? Are you respected? Are you accepted for you? I think in your heart you know. I just posted an article on my blog about submission vs surrender. I would welcome you to read this and I do pray that God will open your eyes to see that you may not be living the life he would want for you. http://jesus-day.blogspot.com/2010_01_01_archive.html