As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(NIGERIA) I want a prayer request that GOD WOULD STRENGTHEN ME. I’ve been married for 6 years with kids and have been emotionally abused by my hubby and in laws all this while. My hubby puts me down at every given opportunity publicly. After he brought his brothers home to beat me up. Right now I feel faint and feel like dying. He does not even feed his children. He eats with his brothers. I have a boy and a girl under 4. Why are some African men so cruel?
(USA) I don’t like my husband. He betrayed me a year ago and believes he has done nothing wrong. I stay w/him because I do not have the resources to support myself and my two children. I am very unhappy and I don’t know what to do.
(NIGERIA) Hi Crisp, I’m usually just a silent observer in forums like this, however, I am moved to respond because we probably got married during the same period & I also have 2 young kids under 6, so we have a bit in common. It is well with you, considering the fact that there does not seem to be a physical solution in sight right now, please continue to trust in God for his perfect intervention in your life & marriage… nobody deserves to undergo what you have. I will keep you in my prayers.
(USA) I wanted to respond to Ann because your story touched me in a way. I too have had difficulty in marriage and have tried to balance what is best for the kids and the marriage. You sound very level headed to me and I don’t believe your consideration for your husband makes you a doormat. I think it just shows what a giving person you are but I do think it is unwise to give “permission” for an affair. I speak from experience and believe me, an affair will rip you apart in ways you could never imagine.
I was a Christian but he wasn’t, when my husband was unfaithful. It crushed me and yet I still loved him. I truly believe the reason the Bible gives adultery an “out” card is not because this pleased God but because he knew how completely it would destroy the other innocent person in the marriage from the inside out.
You might be wise to consider your husband’s depression issue and you are probably right to think he would regret it later and come back. But I would advise you not to just pretend all is well for the kids sake and live there pretending to be together when he has another woman on the side. For one thing, I think this sets up such a completely unbiblical standard for your children to risk seeing. And it also seems to offer your husband a “have your cake and eat it too” idea.
I would encourage you with Jesus’ help to try and tell your husband this is a wicked, ungodly idea and you will have no part of it. You don’t have to divorce him if you feel you shouldn’t for his depression issues or perhaps just your love for him. But you certainly don’t have to just sit by and pretend all is great. This seems like a very cruel thing to ask of you.
The Bible says not to be unequally yoked and that if your husband will not abide with you, then to allow them to leave. You don’t have to live immersed in his sin-filled life with him to love him. I think you should separate and tell him if he comes to his senses and wants you back to come back then. This would still give him some stability to fall back on if he has depression issues and allows you a way to hold on to some of your dignity and godliness apart from his profoundly unwise choices.
(USA) I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, but did not say anything at first. Then one day looking on our computer I saw nude pictures of an old classmate that he graduated with. But, still I did not question it, because I could not prove that it was really the person I though it was. Now a year later our relationship has started to change, after he’s purchased underwear from Victoria Secrets with his credit card. I did question that. His reply was it’s for my birthday, which was a month and half away.
But, in the mean time he was traveling to the same location several times a month, with excuses that his job needed him to work on a project –the reason for the increase in his travel. I felt like it was time for us to get away, and we went on a cruise for 4 days. I had a wonderful time, but did not know that his friend knew about our plans.
Then, I started my own investigation. I found out my husband had been traveling to see this lady and calls her every time he’s out of town whether he traveled there or not. Now keep in mind, I do all the bills and see everything. He doesn’t know his password to his own accounts. I started noticing calls to this lady and checked his work cell phone to find nude pictures of him that he sent to her right after we got back from our cruise.
Now, I could not hold my cool any longer. I am still in the healing process and trying to hold on to my marriage another year later. My husband now shouts me out time after time. When he wants something from me I always give in, but he never gives anything in return. He never says he’s sorry for his actions, but is waiting for me to give in and acts like nothing ever happened. The littlest thing I say or do is not enough for him. He goes through the silence treatment for days. When I try to talk to him, it’s like talking to a brick wall. Now three days later and we have plans, I don’t know how to communicate with him. I’m not sure if I would get a response. What do I do?
(USA) Dear Antonia, It’s difficult to know what to even say to you, because of the heartbreaking situation you are going through in your marriage. I’m so sorry you are living through such a disconnection from your husband. My heart breaks for you. I can only imagine the buckets of tears you have cried and the confusion you must be experiencing.
I want to ask you a question though, because it’s been plaguing my heart since I read your comment. How can you be in “the healing process” when your husband is not helping you to heal, but is rather treating you like YOU have the problem? I understand how God can help you to heal, but somehow I can’t imagine that God would be healing you by telling you to close your eyes to adultery (and that’s what the exchange of such intimate pictures and “meeting” together without your being present comes down to), and to keep subjecting yourself to further degrading behavior and groveling to someone who is dishonoring Him as well as you. It’s difficult to be in a healing process when the cutting is still going on and nothing is being done to stop the continuing bleed.
I love your heart Antonia. I believe that we need to work on keeping our marriages together WHENEVER it is possible, so I love the fact that you are trying to hold onto yours. But I’m not sure that allowing yourself to be your husband’s rug under his feet that he can keep emotionally stepping on is keeping your marriage together. I’m concerned that eventually he will discard you, if you don’t show him that you are of more value than to allow him to do that and keep doing that.
I truly believe that often one spouse can start the process to heal a marriage, but it’s difficult when the other “partner” has an unrepentant adulterous heart and continues to treat the spouse (you) in such a degrading manner. In that type of situation, it appears that something drastic needs to be done to put things on a better path.
There is a book I would highly recommend that you read. It is titled “Love Must Be Tough” by Dr James Dobson. Please go to the link I provide in the title and read about the principles he writes about and the reviews that are written about the book as well. I would recommend that you try to obtain the book and prayerfully read through it and see what you think God is telling you. I just don’t know that God is asking you to keep on the path you are presently going on with your husband. You need to seek guidance (by reading this book and such) and pray and keep praying for wisdom and discernment over these matters.
You may have more of a chance of saving your marriage by carrying out tough love and demanding more of your husband’s behavior in the way he treats you and your marriage relationship. I’m concerned that right now, your marriage doesn’t have much of a chance of surviving if you allow him to continue to treat you in the way he is right now. It seems like a dead end street with you being thrown out on the curb alone and degraded beyond what you are experiencing right now. I may be wrong, but I don’t think so.
Please Antonia, pray about this and consider what I am trying to say here. Sometimes the best way to obtain love and be loving ourselves is to stand up straighter and exhibit respectful but tough love. I pray the Lord helps you and guides you in this!
(UNITED STATES) I am in the same situation but I cannot wait for him anymore, I know for sure now that he takes me for granted. I am filing for divorce this time. Good Luck to all of you though. I hope God can help you with your spouses.
(USA) Milenia, I’ve been married 12 years. I have 3 kids 10, 11, and 3 and my husband left me when I was 5 months pregeant for a girl with 4 kids 12, 10, 6 and 3 years of age. I did get him back; I won that fight. Now after 3 years I don’t want him; I’m emotionally unattached. I caught him with her in 2007 and again 5 months ago. These past 5 months I’ve been emotionally distant with him and I know it’s not going to work. He says he loves me but he turns around and cusses me out a few hours later, calling me curse words.
I have not developed nor have I seen us grow and I’m tired too. I want a divorce. I am leaving in December. We can only be friends; my intimacy for him is gone and he knows it. He loves women so he will have no problem bouncing back. I’m tired; it’s over, I decided. No more being tired of mental abuse. Anyone can have him now. He still keeps contact with her, so she may get him, I don’t care.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I love my wife so much, that it feels like my heart wants to explode out of my chest, even now after 22 years of marriage, however, I’ve been working shifts most of our married life, and my wife has, besides being a good mother, spends more time with the kids and other family and friends, etc. we will end up at times alone in our home, then w inevitably end up not speaking to one another.
I so long for the passion (talking, listening and hearing and just holding each others hand…) we once had to return. whenever we talk to each other, it is always about the doings of somebody else. i personally feel and think that we have grown emotionally unattached from one another.
Yes the birthhday and annivessaries are celebrated, to the world everything seems blessed, but I know in my heart that it is not. I don’t have any fears as a BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN, my concern that I have is that when my KIDS (3) are grown and married, that we as a couple will not have anything to say to one another…
(JAMAICA) Hi, I am kinda not getting through to your web site, because I think it is biased. I am a married man who is having issues with my wife. I am almost sure I don’t know what the problem is, but when I look here for answers all I can see is what men do. So my big question is… don’t you think women also do these things to us men? I am really looking for some answers, where the female is the problem in the relationship.
(USA) Hi Richard. Yes, it happens quite often that the situation is switched around and it’s the woman who is emotionally distant (for many different reasons). But it’s difficult to find articles where men are addressing this issue. We’ve looked and keep looking because we know there are men out there who are going through what you are experiencing.
Please pray, and apply the “principles”, and read as the Holy Spirit inspires. The situations are similar, the genders are different, but you can turn the advice around when needed. I hope this helps you in your quest for understanding.
(UNITED STATES) I am in emotional distress. When I met C. He was 42 and I was 17. To make a long story short he wanted to buy me things always showing up where I worked or by my house. We started what was supposed to be serious dating, after a week he told me he loved me and after a month he proposed to me. At the time he told me he was a good man and he didn’t have anyone in his life. After a year we got married and then the problems showed up. Other chicks he was still seeing after he was seeing me start showing up at the door. He was even liking the next door neighbors kin folks! I found out that he had taken sexual pics of me on his camera and photos and put me on his wall with other chicks and I discovered video tapes he made with other chicks.
He leaves anytime and deserts me, he hides behind his family in VA to handle his marital problems and other chicks he’s seeing. There are 2 sides to every story but it’s different with me. I didn’t “trick” him into marrying me Ex. saying I am pregnant or saying it’s his child; it was all his doing. The only reason I continued to stay was to find out what he wanted from me. He manipulated me to get me, now he is doing everything he can think of to get rid of me. Any suggestions?
(CANADA) This is for Rose, and so many of the other women here, who like me, are desperately trying to figure this all out. Yes, our husbands have hurt us. Yes, they say ‘we’ve changed’ and that it is ‘our fault’ that they don’t seek us out, hold us, touch us, cherish us. But ladies, we do live in a fallen world, we know that and our broken marriages are brutally harsh reminders of this.
Trust in God. That is all we can do, because he will never turn away from us. He will never tell us we are not good enough, he will never deny us love. He is love. I know it’s hard to do, trust me I know, but God will sustain you and you can cling and hold onto him for dear life. He will never disappoint us. He knows you, He made you, and the men that I have read about in the preceding posts may be sad and broken people, but please ladies, do not let them tear you down. You have been created for a God glorifying purpose in this life. You can only fulfill that if you keep your eyes and hearts on God.
Rose, let him go. He will never love you the way you need. Let God lead you.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has contacted a girl “friend” that he knew after high school. They have been texting and talking on the cell phone since mid May of this year. I just recently found out when our cell phone bill was much higher than usual. In one month there was 2017 text and 1580 were from him to her not to mention the calls. When I asked him about it he said it was a client from his work. He works very long hours. He is really at the office or out of town when he says he is because I have checked.
She lives in a different town 1 1/2 hours away. So do not think he is having an affair per say. The first time I asked him about it he told me that she was just getting over breast cancer and that her husband had beat and raped her and he was consoling her. He showed me the pictures of where she had been beaten up so I believe that part.
The calls and texts continued after we talked so I confronted him again last night. He got very defensive and said he had told me that they are just friends and that is it. He couldn’t believe I was accusing him of cheating. He said it was hard for him to find time to call me during work and I replied but he had time for her. I am sure that they are not sleeping together however, I feel that it is more than just friends.
She is the first one he calls in the morning and the last one he talks to at night per the phone records. I don’t know what step to take from here. Do I believe him and stop comparing myself to her or do I need to fight for him? I’m lost and extremely hurt. I love him with all my heart and I show him daily. Because of his working and the fact that his father lives with us, I am left to take care of his father and all the other household things plus work a 35 hour week. I feel so alone and helpless.
(CANADA) I feel as hopeless as I have ever felt in my life. After 30 years of marriage my wife has told me that she is emotionally detached and that she has all but physically left our marriage. We have had issues in the past for which I encouraged and we received councelling. After 3 sessions we were told by the marriage counsellors that our marriage is fundamentally good and we do not need counseling.
Things have changed dramatically. I have lost my job and I am actively looking for work. My wife’s business is struggling. She is menopausal and has significant mood swings, but she has never completely detached physically and emotionally. Although it is difficult, I can handle the physical detachment because I know my wife is not interested. What I am unable to deal with is the indifference and emotional detachment.
This is not about my wife finding another man; that would hurt very badly but at least I could begin to understand. With our situation I am at a loss. Has anybody experienced this and found solutions? Can someone please help me with ways to cope and solutions?
(USA) My husband says he loves me but he doesn’t talk to me, take me anywhere, and says he can’t sleep with me because his sex drive is low… my heart is crashed. I need help. asap
(USA) Can I sue my husband? 15 years ago we got married, he had 2 children from 2 different woman before I knew him. He had no job and was living with his mom. Today he has a successful business, money, cars, houses, property, etc. We both have struggled a lot with our marriage. But for me, I have no say so for anything in our marriage. I have been a stay at home wife and mother. For the past 2 years he has not given me money for anything I’ve needed, like medical, dental, clothes, etc… He tells me to get a job.
We both are 50 years old with a 12 year old daughter together. I tend to her only, when she is sick, helping her with her schoolwork, taking and picking her up from school. I have tried working, he got me fired. I have no money, no car, no bank accts. no medical or dental insurance for me or my child, but he does.
(CANADA) My husband says he married me because he got me pregnant and never did love me. I was a fool to have sex before marriage just because I wanted to be with him. Every year he has reminded me that he cannot go on being married to me because he cannot handle it anymore, and wants to get separated/divorced.
He says he has been praying to God about us since we started going out, yet he admits he has not fully submitted his whole life to Christ. He is a believer, but he seems to think God can have parts of his life, and he can own the rest. That’s not true. God needs us to be 100% for Him, there is no other way.
And so last night we almost ended our relationship, but I could not handle the thought of leaving our home and 2 kids, not knowing where I would live, or even work, though he has offered to take all our debt on himself. He would rather separate or commit suicide because of our “situation”. He then said once again that “I won”, that he would stay with us for now but increase his drinking and smoking and increase his depression meds, hoping he will die sooner anyways because he can’t handle this. Taking this rejection is so difficult, and I really don’t want to separate or divorce… Please pray for us!! God help us please. Amen.