As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(NORTH AMERICA) My husband and I got pregnant in june of last year, and we were so happy. We had our spats, and arguements, but usually we worked it out, or forgot about it becuase they were over something stupid. We were due this month, butwhen I went into the hospital last month on the 28th, when I had contractions for about two days, and felt no movement from our son. I thought I was going into labor, and my husband wanted to come with me to the hospital. But I had told him that he should go into work, incase it is a false alarm, or they might send me home until my water breaks. Instead, the news that we got was heartbreaking. The little boy that i carried for nine whole months had died in utero. I went naturally into labor that next morning and was induced, and delivered jayden that afternoon.
I could tell that it was hard on my husband, because all I remember hearing, other than my mother telling me just one more push, and the lack of a crying infant, was my husbands broken sobs when Jayden’s head came out. And it took hours and hours for him to let go of the baby in his arms. And I guess I was in shock also. He seems to be taking it in stride now, and its even harder for me. We went about three in a half weeks communicating with each other, being there for each other, having a shoulder to cry on, and lastnight, I dont remember how it happened, but now were fighting. he came home, and I could tell he was slightly peeved. I tried telling him about my day, and how I had to deal with the neighbors and their annoying daughter who is my age and how I got dragged into playing dr phil for her. He just told me to shutup, becuase I was giving him a headache.
it really hurt my feelings, so i just got quiet. And everytime he would say something to me I would just say, “my talking gives you a headache. I dont want to increase your pain, so just leave me alone.”
and later that night he said to me, “You are nothing but a dead weight to me. I don’t need you for anything.” He said this after He asked me to read the Bible, and I told him if he wanted me to then just hand it here. and that was his reply.
I do everything for this man. He works from 2 til 11:30 at night, so I have to clean the house, cook breakfast, run errands, pay bills, take care of our animals, cook his dinner, mow the yard, I do EVERYTHING.
Maybe I just took it too personally, but it really hurt to hear someone that I love more than anything tell me that I am nothing but a dead weight to him. It really hurt. I feel as if I am getting no respect from him at all.
I do and do and do and do for him to get him to notice and see that I can do it, and get things done for him, its my way of showing respect. But its like he doesn’t see it, and when he comes home in a bad mood, EVERYTIME he comes home in a bad mood he takes it out on me. Wont tell me whats eating him, and completely disrespects me. I was just starting to pick myself up from the loss of our baby, then he just stomps my self esteem and sense of worth down into the ground once more. I have been trying so hard not to be deppressed, but he’s making it so hard.
I don’t want the deppression medicine, because I dont want to be dependant on it, but i am really fixing to take them up on that offer. i’m tired of him pushing me away, when I try to show him I care. All I have been able to do, all day today was cry while I was doing the garden and the plaque for our son. I just dont know what else to do. I’m about ready to just throw my hands up and wash my hands of the two in a half years I’ve put into this marriage and of the three years I’ve put into this relationship. I honestly have done everything in my power to keep it together. I’ve prayed to God many times, in church and just about everday. But I don’t even think that is working. Nothing is. Please help.
(UNITED STATES) I would like to address each message posted here, but I think by sending just this one will hit upon each situation. I am a Christian Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am also a victim of a husband who claims to be a Christian, yet covers up his abusive and narcissistic behaviors.
We do not live together. That stopped in 2005 after he decided to continue to act out directly or indirectly with yet, another woman. He left our home promising he would get treatment for what is called, Sexual Addiction (there’s 6 different types, including sexual anorexia) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. God calls it sin and treachery, however.
I would like each of you to know, this is not about you, but about your husbands unresolved issues and his rebellious disobedience to the Lord. He sees each of you as an object to accommodate his need for power and control primarily because he is in denial and does not want to come to term with himself. In order to do this, he can be very charming and friendly towards others, but with you – well you’re a target for him to project the parts of himself he does not like about himself.
Does he know what he is doing? Yes he does, he just doesn’t care. Your reactions is what he feeds off of and he is unable to grasp the hurt and harm he is doing to you. All he knows is the pleasure he gets from getting you to react. In many ways, since he doesn’t want to bear the pain of his own demons, he sets you up to watch you bear them for him, while playing house or having fun lusting and carousing and sleeping with other females whom he sees himself as either rescuing or being a Don Juan, if you will.
To help yourself, go to U-Tube Doug Weiss and watch the clips that are available. Also, see Sandra Brown, Pathological Relationships. Whatever you do, do it unto the Lord. Just remember, it is not about you and you are not responsible for his ungodly and unholy choices. Nothing that you did or did not do cause him to be this way. But what he chooses to do can ruin your life if you don’t know what you’re dealing with and continue to get sucked into this type of treacherous behavior.
God bless each one of you. Linda
(USA) Hello there. I am in a state of desperation. My wife of 22 years and the mother of our 5 children is ready to divorce me. I will admit that in the past I was not the model husband. I was physically and verbally abusive. The physical abuse ended over 15 years ago. That does not excuse what I did. I am accountable for my mistakes. I also have had a bad temper that factored into this whole mess. I was still verbally abusive.
Last summer I was finally kicked out of our of our bedroom and have since been sleeping on couch. In the past several months I have sought therapy which I still go to. In the process I mended my relationshiip with the children. She has emotionally checked out of the marriage and wants a divorce. I do not want to end the marriage and feel that I have personally made great strides on self improvement. I just want another chance to make things right. I even suggested recently that we go to an intensive marriage retreat which at she refused. Please advise. I do not want to end the marriage until I have exhausted every option I have to save it.
(KENYA) Dear all, It breaks my heart to feel all this pain – I will pray you all find the solution that works for you! To the men writing in; bless you for being open and honest in this forum. I know you sometimes feels deeper than us women, since it is “unmanly” to share emotions with mates… but they are still there!
For you ladies, I would suggest you take a look at self-esteem issues: it might sound “corny” but the book, All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right
really worked for me when I was down and blue. It is basically about being one’s own person giving the man some space and getting him to feel longing: hope this is a tip some of you will follow and get something positive out of…lots of love, Marcy
(SOUTH AFRICA) Currently I am in the same situation, my husband & I have not had a conversation in a month now. He also shut me out & blames me for things. He degrades me & said that there is something wrong with me, etc.
I have asked him what he wants from me, because all I have tried to do is be a good wife. But to me it’s like I’m not perfect, he doesn’t forgive me when I ask for forgiveness & apologise for something I said or did. Because he says that he won’t mean it. So it’s like walking on egg shells around him. I fell that nothing i do, is right.
I am praying & asking God for wisdom & help. And I want to try & understand my husband. He was married before & his ex-wife became physically violent with him & sometimes I think I know the reason why. It’s because of his ways & attitude that can drive one to want to hurt him physically. Help?
(USA) @Joy, Your husband is probably having an affair. When men find someone else they are often cruel to their wives finding blame so they feel less guilty for being with the other woman. I wouldn’t waste my breath praying for him to change. He won’t. Even if he did, it wouldn’t last.
I went through this same thing myself with my ex. He was an educator and sure enough he was having an affair with a co-worker.
(USA) Hi. Thank you for this forum. I have been married for 2 1/2 years. My husband is a musician and has always worked so hard to break into the music business. I have been very supportive, to the point of allowing him to live far away and to be where his music will take him. We have an apartment in California, but since we got married he’s lived in Florida and now, the Philippines. We see each other 2x a year.
Last December, during one of his visits, I got pregnant but lost the baby at 8 weeks. Even with my delicate situation at that time and after knowing that the pregnancy was going to be a difficult one, he still decided to leave for the Philippines as scheduled because he thought his commitment to his music was more important. This left me devastated and angry and I stopped communicating with him almost completely except for brief HI’s and HELLO’s via text.
2 months after he left, our marriage is now dying, leaving us very unhappy. I am having a hard time accepting his cold-hearted decision and he is now blaming me for making him unhappy. We are now both in a limbo, pointing a finger at each other.
My question is: How should I handle this situation in a mature manner? We have both shut each other out. I have emailed him grievances and he came back at me with yet another finger-pointing. Like many people out there who are having a hard time coping with a difficult situation, I have been praying and surrendering my fate to the Lord. But at the same time, I know I have to do something but doesn’t quite know what it is. Thank you for your time and advice. All the best!
(USA) If my husband stopped making love to me for a year, I would file for divorce. If he has no physical or emotional issues, then he is probably getting sex from somewhere else and your marriage is over and done.
Save yourself further heartache and leave this cruel man.
(USA) I have been divorced from my ex for about 7 years. Prior to the divorce he had lived in another state with his mother during my pregnancy. Up to the time before the baby was born he would not talk to me. I could not get him to open up and patch up our marriage.
During my whole marriage I felt like I was still single so I have decided to go ahead with the divorce based on abandonment. I am not receiving any child support and he has not tried to contact his own child.
I have often wondered how he feels toward him and why he is acting this way. I never understand why he shut me and his son out. Its been 8 years and I cannot comprehend how someone would not be curious about his own child nor have any interest in him. I know how to get in touch with him. I am wondering if it is ok to get in touch with him or one of his family to get an answer and a closure?
(USA) Hi, Please help me, I feel my husband does not want me anymore. Sometimes I feel he does not like me or want me around. He has severe back problems and we can’t afford to get him any help. We have no money and no insurance. He broke his neck when he was 17 and they used screws and wires to put his neck and head back together and took a bone graph from his hip, which is now causing severe lower back problems.
This has affected him greatly physically and on a mental and emotional level and has gotten so much worse in the last few years. He used to smoke weed and drink occasionally but has given it all up when he found God almost a year ago now. He truly is a miracle and a changed man and lives to serve God when he can. He has removed himself from his pain meds as they never lasted a month and barely touched the pain and is weaning himself off Zoloft. Our problems have been going on and getting more severe over the last four years or so. My son and I have had our share of emotional abuse but that’s it there’s not physical abuse going on.
Our problem is on a personal, marital level. There’s no intimacy, loving, touching, hardly nothing at all. We lay in bed, I want to cuddle and it’s too much for him. He says or tells me I need to move closer to him. Sometimes I do but sometimes it would be nice if he would initiate something… anything.
He is usually on his own in our bedroom because he can’t sit anywhere else in the house without being in pain. We have tried getting him Social security disability with no luck. They say it’s due to his age, he is 47. He tries sometimes to be with us all and do stuff but it only lasts a day or two then weeks go by with nothing. Physical intimacy is maybe once every three weeks or so, so our intimate life has nearly stopped. He hardly touches me. In bed he moves away and sleeps on the other side of the king size bed from me. I don’t try to move near him so he has space. I don’t want to bump his back or hurt him.
I have reached a point where when he moves away, I also move away because I don’t know what to do. It’s so frustrating, wanting to reach out to him and having fear of him pushing me away or rejecting me. It hurts me to just leave him alone but I don’t know what to do anymore.
I pray to God to change these things and help our relationship. I know our problems and I pray for him, his back and my marriage. He does not seem to change. I am so discouraged and I feel prayer is not helping him either. I know I prayed for 2 years to get him to church and find God and I know all happens in its own time, but it’s so hard to hold on when you don’t feel anything good is coming from it.
Sometimes I take care of myself on a physical level and feel so guilty that I cry and ask God for forgiveness. I feel like I am sinning and I don’t know what to do.
I do sometimes give up and I am only waiting for him to react in whatever way he so wishes, just to keep him happy and this upsets him too. I don’t know what to do anymore. When I mention our physical issues he says that I just make it worse.
We tried therapy. I went for 6 visits, he went for 3 and quit. He doesn’t like therapists and church seemed, seems to help somewhat, but there’s still personal issues at home. I know he loves me… he reaches out to me, gives me three squeezes… that means I love you, in church or at home or in the car, so I know he cares. We’ve just lost our intimacy with each other. Anyone with ideas, it would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you and God Bless… Tina
(USA) I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve put my wife first before everyone and in second place to God. I’ve tried my best to teach her the right way of a marriage. We have been to church and even our pastor has explained everything I have explain. I show try agape type love to my wife and to all that I can to her emotionally physically and spiritually. But no mater what, I get nothing in return, almost at all. And barely sex.
She shows me no signs of love and affection yet when we have visitors over or when she is with her son she gives everything she can to them. I’m really at the point of giving up. I want to leave and I don’t, but I feel I need to. She openly admitted to putting family and her son first before me and that I can expect her to not do that. I know the laws of the Lord about marriage and divorce and I strongly believe in doing everything in my power to keep his law in my heart and home. What do I do?
Trust me, I’m a very patient man, and I’ve tried expressing my concern numerous times without yelling, only to get a response that she doesn’t want to hear it or she’s tired of hearing it or that’s who she is and can’t change it. Even though she has proclaimed her faith in God, I feel so unequivocally yoked. I’m sure you know all of the mental pain I’m going through from all this. But I need to know, should I stay or should I go? And will I be living in sin if I go?
(USA) I have been married to an abusive alcoholic for 21 years. I have not lived with my spouse for some time now. I could not allow my young son to be in that unhealthy environment any longer. We are not divorced and he still has a lot of influence on me. I have tried to make myself a better person, kinder, prettier, higher salaries, etc. I have played along with he and his friends, in an attempt to get some acknowledgement of him. He could care less what he does for his son and me. We have always just been a burden to him, in his way of partying. I have prayed, tried church and marriage counselors, all at no avail.
My spouse’s parents provide him with a home. They keep it in their name, so I won’t end up with anything, like his ex-wife did. My heart has been ripped up for years. I am now 49 years old and had to start sleeping over at my mom’s because I could not take the abuse and neglect any longer. He always puts his so-called friends before his family. I do everything for our son financially and he will not even buy him a pair of shoelaces.
In the meantime, his own parents provide him with a home, pay the utilities, car insurance, meds and even buy his clothes for him. I do not understand why God would let all of this happen.
In the meantime, I have been struggling with health issues, my mother was just diagnosed with Cancer and my job ended due to a grant money cut to my dept. I feel totally helpless, angry and resentful. My self esteem has dipped so low, I do not know if I will ever pull myself up again. Please, if anyone can offer any advice or words of wisdom, it would be much appreciated.
(UNITED STATES) Hi, I have been considering divorce for nearly a year now. I am born again & I am Christian. I have been married to my husband for 8 1/2 years now. This is my 2nd marriage & we have no children in common, although he’s helped raise my 3 adult children, 22, 21, & 18 yrs olds. I married my husband when I was an addict & living in sin. Not that this excuses my decision, but only to help clarify my next sentence.
Months leading up to our courtship, I confessed to my sister my husband’s desire to be my husband. As months past and our engagement came, I was told by my husband that he was sexually involved with my sister prior to the engagement. And he asked if it would hinder our engagement & our plans for marriage. I answered “no.” The marriage was finalized.
18 months after we married, my husband had not returned home from work & was gone until the next morning. After hours of crying & pleading for the truth he admitted he had gone out for a drink with my sister & nothing happened. I cannot forgive him. I have tried, by going to therapy, church, etc.
He isn’t a Christian, and has grown ill of our marriage in itself. He says he wants a divorce but I beg him to stay, as I am reminded divorce is a sin. But that is the only reason. I resent him as I cannot seem to have a normal relationship with my sister because of this. I’m miserable. The intimacy & sex has stopped and we are in no way emotionally attached. But I am tired of the madness. I want a divorce, but just not certain if I have the right.
(VIRGINIA) Hi, I have been with the father of my daughter for 4 years. I can’t count the months since I felt he was no longer with me emotionally, spiritually and physically. Yes, my heart is broken. I have a 2 year old who just can’t stop looking for his dad. For the first two years, everything was rocky already in our relationship, but we always fixed it.
And then we made plans to get married. It was great that year but his mom was diagnosed with cancer. That was the first time he shut down on me and completely cut me out of his life. But I stood my ground. I love him and I feel he needs me but doesn’t know how to say it. He has always had a communication problem.
So when all of our savings were spent in helping his mom recover with cancer (she is ok now, by the way), everything was good again. But then I got pregnant. It was ok at first, but he refused to marry me and broke up with me. So months before I delivered our daughter he came back and wanted me and our daughter. He took care of me while I was at the hospital and took care of our daughter when I was recovering.
He went to work for 1 year and 6 months –working overseas. After a few days of being together, I found out in his cellphone that he was having an affair. That started to bring all our past issues out that we had agreed to bury. From then on until now, everything is almost at an end. Now he has completely shutdown and refuses to talk to me. He is staying with his father in the hospital since he was having a heart attack. He told me so many things. He wants me and our daughter, but that he has to find himself first.
We are both Catholics, and each time that we find agreement to make things better for our daughter and family (who wants us to marry), everything just starts to spiral out of control. I have emotional problems right now. I can’t seem to forget. I have jealous outbursts, and feel I can’t trust him. I hate being this woman I have turned into. I want out of this miserable situation. I want a man who will honor, love me, and make me the sole woman in his life, appreciated, loved, and valued because I am his.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has done this to me for 2 years now and I’m depressed and am really needing someone to talk to. Please contact me via email. I need a friend to talk to.
(USA) What did he do to have you depressed? I am here to talk with. I need a friend too.
(PHILIPPINES) I’m very much confused about my situation right now. Please, I need someone who can help me understand what I’m going through. My husband is a seaman. My problem began when I read the a message for my husband asking for credit. Then he replied back ok, you find someone who has money then I will pay when we see each other. I confronted him but he explained to me that she is only a friend. Until now we still argue about what happened.
We only spent one month with each other then he went in Manila to have his training. At first we were ok when I’d call him. A week later there were sudden changes. When I call him up he doesn’t answer my call anymore. And when he answers he is angry with me. He is not telling me anymore about his activities concerning his training.
I keep wondering, why this is happening to me? I feel empty. And when I told him about how I felt he just laughed at me. He doesn’t care that I feel bad. I cry a lot in front of him. When I do that he insults me, saying I’m acting like a child. My question is, what do I do if my husband doesn’t love me anymore? And what is the best thing to do to get over this situation? What should I do to win him back?
(USA) Annamarie, How long have you been married? You say that you “only spent one month with each other” before he went to Manila. Does that mean one month of marriage, or one month of arguing after finding out about his text message? What are the ages of you and your husband? Do you have children together? Are you presently working outside of the home? Before he went for training to be a seaman, what did he do for a living? Are you dealing with much debt in your marriage? Is he the type of person who flirts a lot and has female friends? Is he the type of person who has expressed his emotions much before all of this happened? Does he handle conflict with anger or is he a person who tries to push conflict away from him and won’t deal with it with you, or before all of this did he better deal with conflict issues with you?
The reason I ask you these questions is to better know the situation you’re dealing with. It’s difficult to reply to your comment without having at least a small view of your background before all of this happened. I pray the best for you –Cindy
This behaviour is emotional emotional abandonment. I’ve been going through the same phase. I can only tell, you there is something you have done ,which has put him off without even you knowing it. He, being a man, wants you to. Understand it by yourself. Sadly he won’t help you and trust me, you can cry years to sleep; these men will not even turn a deaf ear because they love you till they approve of you and you do one thing, which upsets them, they shut you off.