As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(UNITED STATES) Hello I’ve been married for 8 years. On numerous occasions my husband has played the field on me. He gets mad at any and everything for no apparent reason and acts as though he is leaving but has yet to go anywhere. My situation is that his entire family knows that he had an relationship with his brother’s baby momma and still allowed her to come over to our house. They use little key codes or secret codes while in conversation like jis mother would ask the girl “Have you talked to your friend today?” She will answer yes or no and when my husband was to come home from work she would ask him “have you talked to your friend today”? and he would answer.
It took me a long time to grasp what was really going on. Come to find out before his brother went to prison the mother requested that my son take her to another another town to shop but invited the girl and just the three of them went. The mother than stated in a conversation between the two of us, that my husband gave her money to shop while the other two were out doing their thing.
I asked my husband what happened and he said that his mother wanted them to go out of town so that his brother would not beat up the girl. Which didn’t make any sense. He and his brother were about to get in a fight but he never told me for what. The brothers (2 of them) would say if I was you I would beat her up. I asked, do I have reason to and they would just say I am just saying as though they are trying to let me in on something.
Two years ago I finally caught a phone bill and got all the information. He was talking to this girl more than me for two straight years. I left and came back but it is something that I can’t just let go. At night I just think of everything this man has put me through. My mind is saying to go but I want him there for my children’s sake. But in the end it’s only me that is going to be hurting. Our marriage is not based on love. We have been living a lie for so long I don’t know what to do.
Can some one help and tell me the signs from GOD that I need to be looking for cause I am looking for a place but he is telling me if I Leave he will stop working because he not going to pay me child support. He has another child that is 11 years old and I have to deal with all the children on the week ends including his sisters two kids plus our three while they are out doing their thing. Someone, please help me. I’ve been in this heart trembling, stressful relationship too long. Please.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My fiancé has not been talking to me for a month now. My fiance is in Cape Town and I am in Pretoria. We had a fight because she was telling me her mother sort of not liked me and I said bad things about her mother. Since then she has not talked to me. We were supposed to get married next month.
I always ask her to tell me and my parents and her parents that she doesn’t want to marry me any more so I can move on. I thought I still loved her so much but she doesn’t say amything and her parents and mine are expecting us to be marrying by November. What can I do?
(AFRICA) Help guys…I have been with my guy for nearly 2.5 yrs. He seems emotionally detached all the time but is there on the material plane. He buys me gifts, sends me love cards, tells me he loves me daily. However it is like he is a surrogate husband to his mother calling her several times a day.
We hold hands, and get together on the weekends, but I feel trapped as there is little communication. He is supportive when I open up but he never ever does. When I ask him to he simply says no there’s nothing to tell. I feel like he avoids any serious conversation and to me I feel like a trophy girlfriend. Or he just wants a very superficial relatioinship and I want more but not sure I could ever find someone as doting. I keep having hope but in the mean time missing a lot of great guys that it could work with however we have built a nice relationship in many respects.
He is a homebody and caretaker. I am more an extrovert and love to be with people. I feel like he is my best friend but he keeps in so many secrets and does not want to share. I really want to have a child and be married. He says he wants marriage with me but has never asked me and does not want children.
That being said I am in my 50s and would have to adopt. Also he has a difficult history with emotional breakdowns and was suicidal for a time. However he is on meds now and doesn’t show any signs of depression. He doesnt have many friends. I do feel he is changing ever so slowly but often feel smothered. I like to do things for myself and he would rather do everything for me. Also he never asks me to his flat. I sometiems wonder if he is having an internet affair.
(UNITED STATES) I got married after 2 years of dating and didn’t know his bad habits would always carry over into married life. I’m no Martha Stewart of cleaning but I hate to see dishes dirty or things dirty or disorganized and he knew I was like that.
While living with him I got to know his bad habits and I got to that point where talking doesn’t work anymore and saying please is not working either. He feels I order him to do stuff, like taking dishes to the dishwasher or cleaning up his mess.
I don’t know if i’m complaining too much or he just doesn’t care and will never change. I found out that I’m pregnant and I can’t even touch litter boxes but I have a kitten and he doesn’t even help me with that.
I’d like to know if someone else is going trough what I’m going through.
He calls him self a man of God but I really don’t see anything like it. I also found out that he has a profile in an Adult dating site while married to me? So I don’t get it? Am I doing something wrong?
(U.S.A.) I’m almost 65 years old, and I’ve been married almost 40 years, and in all the time I’ve never really loved my wife because I really don’t know what love is, (since I’ve never really experienced it myself). Because of this, my life is empty. I have no motivation for anything in my life.
When we go on a vacation to Disney World, it’s just something I have to do. There’s no real enjoyment in it, or any vacation we take, for that matter. I feel my heart has been empty for so long, I feel like I’m dying from sadness and emptiness.
When I got married, I didn’t get married because I loved her, or any other romantic reason, I just felt like that was what I should do at that point in my life. Love endures all things, it gives you hope in all things, it gives you compassion and forgiveness in all things, but when you don’t have any love in your life, then nothing matters, and you feel empty and hopeless, and I’ve been going through this for almost 40 years. Can anyone maybe help me? Pleeease?
(AUSTRALIA) My relationship with my husband has drifted apart since he started his business trip 7 years ago. We never have any physical contact at all.
I found out, and questioned him about an extramarital affair. He confessed he had an affair and stayed together with his woman for 2 years. So he decided to return when his woman wanted to get married. He told her that he would not leave his family, regardless of how much he loved his woman.
In August 2011, I saw him send a message to his woman (this was 3 years later, and after she got married). He confessed to her that she is the woman he loved most, just like the love for her was like a worm living inside him. I was very emotional and hurt inside, and decided to leave him, though he tried to explain to me that their relationship was already over and that he had never recontacted her.
He is coming back to this family and is willing to start all over with me. I am very depressed and cannot accept him but he is not prepared to divorce me and wanted to build back our relationship. But I feel more pain and hurt whenever I see him. I do not know why whenever he is with me. I felt very pressured but when we chat on-line I am ok.
Do not know why and what I should do…
(PANAMA) Hi, I do not know where to start. I married my husband 7 years ago, during that time we were in the South Pacific. After 2 years of marriage, he decided we were moving to my country. I advised him not to do that, since it was a different culture, everything was so different from what he was used to. He lived in the South Pacific for 11 years before he met me.
So, we move back to my country. My daughter, who was a teenager during that time, moved back with us. While I was away she was with my family. The problems began at home. Because my teenage daughter was disobedient, I was struggling with her hygiene. My husband resented with this, since my parents were supportive of my daughter. Since that time he never wanted to visit my parents house, and for every family reunion or holiday I was going by myself. I felt humiliated, and ashamed, because I have 2 brothers. One of them is married, and he would arrive with his wife and baby.
We spent 3 years in my country struggling with the finances. My husband says I never helped him. I feel he is being unfair. We were in real estate during that time, and even though we posted ads for properties in order to get customers we didn´t get any response, until he started talking to his friends in the South Pacific. His friends started to invest, so we managed to make some money. But during that time till now, he has always said, that money has been made by him, and I did nothing.
He wanted us to leave my country without my daughter because of all the behavior problems, and I was emotionally destroyed. He said that either she stays or he will leave alone. I was praying to God to guide me on what to do in this situation. I was so hurt and confused. I couldn’t turn to my mother because I knew she didn´t like my husband after the problems we had with my daughter. (He said once if she was not going to change her behavior she will have to leave our house.)
So I found myself alone in this dilemma. I finally asked my mother if I could leave my daughter with them until I returned or sent for her. I found myself in so much hurt, and pain, I was not clear anymore what I was doing. I remember telling my husband I couldn’t just move like that. I needed direction from God. My husband is not a believer. So anyway, I arrange for my daughter to stay with my parents. I felt in my heart I would be back.
We left to his country, and started a business, but things didn’t go well, and we needed some financial help. My husband asked me if I could ask my parents for help. I didn’t want to ask them for help, first, because my husband never wanted to visit them and second, after I left and my parents they were not happy about that decision.
Anyway, I called them and asked them. My father said he would help me but only if I came back to my country. I explained my husband did not want to go there. My mother said to me, we will not be manipulated by him. So I told my husband I will go first. He said he will try going back to the South Pacific and that way we both will be trying to get on our feet.
The thing is, by the time I came back to my country, things did not work out the way I was hoping. My parents did not do what they said they would do and my business never stood a chance. In the meantime my husband was struggling but also couldn’t find a job, and he was almost out of money, so he manage to get a ticket and flew down to my country. I found an apartment, which my father helped us to pay. And I was working on trying to develop the business, but never made enough to cover the expenses. So then I started working on real estate, but it didn’t go anywhere. My husband didn’t want to do real estate, and started to resent and got upset saying that my family destroyed our life; they spent even more money on this apartment we were leaving in instead of giving us the money to use the way we needed it back in his country.
Then he started asking for divorce, and asking me to help him to go back to his country. He started rejecting me, didn’t even want to hold my hand, or touch me, not a hug, and spent time on the computer playing games online. I started to feel neglected and unloved. I had so much pain inside I couldn’t turn to anybody, only to God in prayer. This went on for 4 months, and he never told me that he loved me in the last 6 months, and I felt were growing apart. I talked to my parents and finally got him his ticket. One day about a month before he left, he started with the same accusations saying that I never helped him, and that all I care about is to be with my family, which is not true. My mother was constantly asking me when I would visit her.
So that day I told him, “you always look at me as the faulty one, what about you? You abandoned me at the lobby of the hospital when I was undergoing major surgery.” Then he replied to me “I will tell you the truth, I wanted to leave you since that moment. All the problems with your family and you being constantly ill, I can’t bear that, I am fed up.” This hurt me so much. I realized that at the moment, I needed him the most he just walked away.
During this difficult time I was being loving and paying attention to his clothes and the food, always trying not to leave him alone too long in the house. That is another story. He never wanted to go anywhere, not even for a walk, to the mall or anywhere, because he said “there is nothing to see and we do not have any money”. But I saw that as a time to do something together, spend time together, talk, get close to each other. At night in bed, if I laid my hand on this shoulder or arm he would move away, so I wouldn’t be touching him. If I was in the kitchen or bedroom and we were passing thru the door, he would make the effort to step aside so he wouldn’t get close or touch me or bump me in any way. These last 4 months were an agony, in pure pain and hurt.
After he left, 5 days passed and I did not hear from him. I remember that 3 months before he left he said to me, I am planning on leaving alone, without you. So after 5 days of not getting any email, I sent him an email to check if he was alright. In the last weeks our emails have been short, and I do not share anything about my job or anything with him, just very superficial things.
A couple of days ago, he sent me an email telling me that only if I would give up my religious stuff we could have a future together. I replied to him, that this was so sad. I never thought he would be capable of asking this of me. I said no, Jesus is my savior and Lord. He is a person and alive. And then he replied to me that he still wanted me back with him, that he misses me, and still loves me, and then he said, the heart has his reasons that the mind does not.
So this was a couple of days ago, and I haven’t been able to answer to him. I find that I do not know if I have any love left in me. I do not know how to answer to him. I know the Lord does not want a divorce, but how can I deal with this situation? I don’t know what I feel anymore. But the way I loved him in the last 6 years, for sure no longer exists. If you can help… please, I’d really appreciate it. Thank you.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I seem to be the only husband on here after a quick scan.
Basically it’s the same for me, but a role reversal. No hugs, she hates sex, and then openly hugs and kisses our son. Now I wouldn’t want her to stop hugging and kissing our son but when I see how easy it comes, and then total shut off for me. If we didn’t have kids I’d go but I’d hate to live apart from them.
(USA) I have been married for 23 years, we have 2 biological children who are 22 and 19. We are currently in the middle of adopting my neice Alyssa and my husband told me back in September that he did not feel the way he use to about me and that he was miserable. He works from 2 am until 5 or 6 in the evening. He is hanging out with single men from work and a separated gentleman and is now going to the gym 3x a week and does not spend any time with Alyssa.
He would go out almost every weekend. One weekend he went to a casino and stayed the night. He then goes out to local hangouts with his friends. He says he needs space and that living at home everyone watches him like a hawk and he has to answer to his 19 year old and he is tired of it.
He had planned to move two streets down from our house to one of his old co-workers who is also single. After he tells me that he is going to live there for free he then changed the story saying that he had to pay something. I told him that we do not have enough money for him to live seperate and he still insists on living apart. He does not want me to date and he is not going to date and still wants to have relations with me. I love him and he only loves me because we have kids together. What should I do? I had someone follow him and he is not seeing anyone that we know of.
(MALAWI) I’ve treated my wife so bad. I beat and swore at her but she has always been there for me until she got tired and we separated. I thought I would make it but now I miss my wife and my son. So I looked for help and found it. Through scriptures I am now born again and I know God saved me.
I started asking for forgiveness and she said she forgave me but does not want to come back until she feels like it. She stopped calling me. I do the calling now. What’s even worse, I hear she’s going out with someone. It only made my situation worse when I asked her. She has pulled back even farther from me and yet deep down I know I caused all this.
I don’t want to lose the only big thing I care about. I need help on what to do because my nkhoswe is not saying anything to date. I pray every day, but I my heart is still breaking.
(CANADA) My wife, a Christian with an explosive attitude at times, told me she was done just as the summer came to an end. Sometimes she still appears to care and buy me clothes and shaving cream/coffee and food. She has been very manipulative for a very long time. A counselor told me this after interviewing us separately but I really realized it years later.
We have children and she puts them in the middle of it a lot of the times and started to physically abuse her husband even most recently. In the past when married we took a marriage course before getting married and when we got the reports back the priest said he had a problem with her because she was not going to listen. After getting married she did a low up the first week her mother came to visit. And it changed how I look. It stressed me so bad and I was actually told she was an odd ball that does not conform by a close relative.
She refuses to go to counseling and I feel she used me as Mr. Mom to raise the kids and then she is trying to push me out with mood swings. She uses mood swings to control. Years ago I read a book by pastor John Hague who said RUN in such a case(s). The kids love their dad and I have become Mr. Mom and am the type of husband that most woman want when it comes to raising the kids/cooking/Landry/helping on many levels.
I feel that marriage is under attack and I sort of regret not listening to others over the years. I believe she is bipolar. She has never denied it but her mother has caused problems.
(UNITED STATES) My husband acts like I don’t exist except when he wants me to wash his clothes or cook or to run to the grocery store to buy what he wants me to cook for him. Other than that, he snaps at me and everything I say, he will roll his eyes and sigh out loud or snap at me. I get no conversation or companionship or friendship from him. He won’t even try and have a conversation with me. He acts like he doesn’t even like me.
Our sex life is non existant because he is on some high cholestrol medication that takes away his sex drive and he can’t even get an erection unless he takes viagra and even then it’s not that great because there is no loving comments or behavior in sex, it’s really raunchy and not romantic at all. So not even that is good.
Well, anyways, he is a million miles away from me and I cannot and have never been able to feel close to him. He is the most cold and distant person I have ever met. I am a Christian and do not believe in divorce (except in extreme situations like adultry or physical abuse) but I am really unhappy and unfulfilled and very lonely. He is also very rude with me and he speaks to me in a very forcefully, rude manner.
For example, the other day, I was busy doing something and he told me to stop everything that I was doing and cook him something to eat. I told him to go to the kitchen and grab himself a snack until I could get to the kitchen and cook a big meal like he wanted. Then he snapped at me in a forcefully rude way and said,” YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO EAT!” and I said,” Don’t speak to me in that way.” Then he threw his hand around in the air in front of my face and snarled,” Get out of here.” And I said,”Don’t you talk to me like that!” and because I stood up for myself to him for talking to me like that, everything escalated and he threated me verbally with physical harm and said,”YOU DONT KNOW THE OTHER SIDE OF ME, I COULD BE PUT IN JAIL FOR WHAT I COULD DO TO YOU.” So I said,”Really? here I am do it!” Then after I stood up to him he backed down and later on in the day, apologized to me. What do I do with this rude, and cold husband???
(USA) Desiree, I’m crying after reading your post. I know how you feel. I know exactly what your dealing with because I am too. I bet you’re as beautiful a lady as your name. I wish I could help. :(
(PANAMA) Hello Desiree, I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I believe it is very painful for you. I would advise you, if you are both Christians, to try to find help at your local church with the Pastor, or a Christian marriage counsel.
(USA) OMG the stories are so sad and sound so familiar. My “husband” won’t even talk to me and is gone to expensive lunches 3-4 days a week. Also leave the house to walk the dog at 3:30 am (it’s way too dark then), then he tells me the following:
*Maybe you have cancer and you’re going to die soon (I had a 2 month infection)
*Did you pay up your life insurance?
* You never make any sense when you speak, no wonder I can’t stand listening to youngest.
* You do NOTHING around here. FYI I clean TWICE a WEEK.
*You are worthless, why don’t you kill yourself, we would be better off.
* You don’t workout enough days a week but then it’s “you push too much” …I’m a personal trainer, cycle instructor, 44 and 5’5, 129 lbs and that’s muscle weight. I’ve worked out since I was 16 because I LOVE it and like to help others.
*You can’t do anything right.
*You don’t deserve “new gym shorts, new makeup (mine ran out), new clothes (too thin to wear last years jeans), or a new bra, can’t you sew it? OMG is he serious?
* YOU WILL NEVER GET ONE DAY CUSTODY OF OUR SON IF YOU LEAVE ME (he has the $$ and I can’t even afford a lawyer)
That’s only a small list. All comments are “you always or you never”. He’s a narcissist, probably some sociopathy or bi polar (nothing wrong w/ bi polar if you treat it or it doesn’t effect you negatively).
One thing will happen in the next 30 days EITHER he will end up on the wrong end of a shot gun or I will go away forever seeing as I have no money, no place to live, and have lost hope.
Please don’t end up like me. Leave while you’re still strong. These men beat you down to NOTHING. We are ALL BETTER WOMEN THAN THAT. God bless.
(USA) My BF took something I said the wrong way, as a result he does not want to speak to me at all, no email, nothing, and we were just getting started. However proir to this – he has been called back overseas to fight, and it makes me wonder is this about us or the war? I elect the war.
He has no idea how long and how extreme this mission is and it is extremely serious, I am not allowed to go into detail, nor will I. I love and care about him, and I don’t want to let him go and lose him. I will die if something happens to him while he’s away. We are already distant lovers.
Not much time left, what can I do? I have made enough mistakes, ODing on the emails, calls, messages – what can I do?
(PANAMA) Hi Dia, I can understand the way you feel, sometime back in my life I felt the same. Believe me, if the man you love, does not take the time to speak and be open with you to clarify any misunderstanding today that you are not married, I can´t imagine what it will be if you ever marry him.
The foundation in every relationship is love and communication. And if communication fails, there is no way 2 people can live together. I would advise you to pray before, and ask the Lord to deal with your boyfried and make him come to his senses. Then you try to talk to him. But if your boyfriend does not respect you enough to sit down and listen to what you have to say, and openly speak your mind, already that relationship is not good, for you, your health, psychologically and emotionally.
I wrote before about the problems I had with my husband. He left to go to his country, and being so far away, he wrote to me that he was missing me, and wanted me there with him. He is not interested in anybody else, that he loves still. After leaving me and not wanting to be around me, he didn´t want to touch me, not even hold my hand. After he left, I prayed to God, put my marriage in God´s hands, and I asked the Lord to deal with him.
So when my husband wrote to me saying that he still loves me and wanted me back, I confronted him and said to him “why do you want me back? when you were here you seemed like you wanted to be apart from me, you didn´t even want to hold my hand. I felt you left me alone in pain and struggle. Why do you want me back? How can I believe you after the way you treated me?”
I did not made it easy for him. I asked him to give me a reason. He said that he loves me, and he just didn’t feel right here in my country. He was feeling desperate and wanted to leave the country to go back to his. Anyway, I prayed and asked the Lord what I should do, if it was His will that I go back with my husband. The Lord showed me that yes, it is His will that we go back together. I keep praying for his salvation, and that the Lord deals with his emotions and temper. So today my husband is making arragements so we can be together again.
Just remember, if you are not married and already he is behaving like this, after marriage will be worse. If there is no communication, there is no way a relationship can survive. Love is not enough. Love needs communication and understanding. God bless you.
(USA) I’ve read so many of these comments and I relate most infidelity. My husband is active duty army. We’ve only been married two years and I feel so alone. I understand his job is stressful and hard, and I do everything I can to be there for him. I’m all alone here. No family since we’re away from home, no friends, not really a husband.
He provides for me yes, he puts a roof over my head, food on my plate. But he hardly talks to me. He never hugs me, never cuddles, never sits by me. He kisses me, a peck, when he leaves for work. No love making in three months. I don’t know what to do anymore. I used to be so outgoing and cheerful but I’m so emotionally cut off I’m not myself. I’m just so sad. Please pray for my marriage. I love him, I want things to work out but I can’t get him to even talk to me.