As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(UNITED STATES) Hello all, I have been married to my husband for 12 yrs and we have a 9 yr old son. My husband is very distant. if his co-workers (men at least thats who I met) want to get together he’s a totally different man. He has been distant on and off for about 6 yrs.
We are intimite about once every 3 weeks (last about a minute). He’s very moody. I’ve been wanting to leave him and go to where my immediate family is. We went to 2 counseling sessions which I set up but he decided he didn’t want to go anymore so I go by myself. I don’t think he thinks that I will leave him. We don’t do much arguing. To get thru to him sometimes I have to send him an email. I’m going to let go and Let God!
(USA) Hi, was wondering if I am just dumb or naive anymore. My husband and I are having problems and he says it’s just the way he is now, that he is not the man I met and married 17 yrs ago. We don’t hold hands, kiss or spend anytime together. The only time we do is when he leaves town for his job, and he is gone for weeks at a time. He only wants to sleep with me the night before he leaves and the day he comes home.
When we met we did everything together. We have split up a few times and gotten back together. He comes home to a clean house, laundry done, and dinner cooked every night when he is home. But then he goes to the couch and plays games on his phone for hours after that. We don’t talk cause there are just too many things that if I try to talk about he gets mad and says he is done and quits talking to me.
I feel like I have been kicked in the gut and don’t know what to do. Do I leave or ask for a divorce or work harder on making him happy? I have been praying about it and believe that God can work this out, but I am tired of hurting, and feeling alone and unloved…
Kelly, Obviously, you can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing and expect different results. That hasn’t worked so far (and doesn’t show much promise that it will change things for the better, at this point). It makes sense to me that you aren’t asking too much, but for some reason, he isn’t responding. So you need a different approach.
Kelly, sometimes we need a counselor or a mentor to help us as a couple, and sometimes we need a “marriage-friendly” counselor or a mentor that will help US to figure out another way to approach marriage issues (when the other spouse isn’t interested, at the time). And you have some big issues going on. Please go into the “Marriage Counseling” topic to read about what I mean by a “marriage-friendly” counselor, because believe me, not all counselors will help you work to improve your marriage –which is what you need. Be choosy.
Don’t listen to the ones who nay-say marriage and who will degrade your husband in your eyes, but rather someone who will care enough about you and your husband and your marriage to try to help you open his eyes and heart in some way. I pray the best for you.
Hi Kelly, I am not a marriage counselor but I do know God can stand in your defense. There’s nothing too hard for God. Kelly, fast, pray, read your Bible. God hears you. My heart goes out to you. I’ve been married for 16 years and I left my home due to cheating. Trust me you don’t want to leave unless you know you’re not going back. We have 3 children, 2 boys and a girl. I miss my family like crazy.
I asked to come home he said he’s filed for seperation and abandonment. So you see I regret leaving my home with my children there. Your heart can’t take but so much. God knows your heart. You keep praying, going to church, fasting and praying. Talk to God; I know he’ll fix it. I see the year says 2012, I’m new so I could be late. If yall are still together great; if not, I’m sorry. Love trying to help someone else while I’m going thru. God said he’ll bless you while you’re helping someone else in what they’re going thru.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi girls. Wow! I have been reading some of your emails here and I did not know how many marriages were like this. When people say to me it’s emotional abuse I kind of makes excuses for the reason he is blowing up, but also say “not to that degree though.” I fear that if he carries on screaming and shouting at me that the neighbor is going to call the cops. His wife is a social worker. They are going to step in. They have forwarned me.
The problem is I moved from JHB to Cape Town. I have no family here or in JHB where I can move back to. I am unemployed and finding work now is really, really hard. So I am pretty much stuck. I am praying and doing communion with my kids. We blessed our house yesterday where we all prayed and anointed the doors and windows. Maybe that is why he can’t sit in here today. He comes in, then goes out. He will not speak to me at all. I tried to find my remote and car keys (he was driving my car, his is in the shop). He says to me, “JUST LEAVE ME.” I don’t think I was unreasonable, asking that of him.
I have been pushing through, still making him tea and making supper, asking if I should dish up. He usually he eats later than us and says to me “dont look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t make me tea… JUST LEAVE ME.” So I have to honour and respect him. That is what he wants. It’s very difficult to not feel insecure. I am praying and praying.
Last year was really really bad, I pushed through. Eventually in October he said he wants a divorce. I was devastated. So after the initial shock I said to him I am his wife until the day he signs me off. I keep doing what a wife does. By the end of November our marriage had been better than it had ever. Until about a month ago, everything was just my fault. Ok, I do admit that I have made mistakes making him worry about us when he should not. He is under a lot of pressure at work. I understand that. I have been trying to make it easy for him but I have messed things up in trying to do so.
He give me R20 petrol which now is just under 2l of petrol. I have a Noah’s ark Colt 2l. So for me to drive to my daughters to school and back I run out of petrol and he gets upset with me for that. He expects me to make miracles with R40 – buy cooking oil, butter, tuna and put petrol in to fetch him. Ok, I went and bought the oil butter and tuna R30 left with R10 petrol (just under 1l) to drive 20km to fetch him and he flips out when I run out of petrol. Anyway, I am so ready to pack it all up and move on.
I know that this is not the godly thing to do but I can’t take anymore of this up and down business. I am considering moving out of the Cape and back home or to Kenya. But I am praying to see where and what God wants me to do. I will pray for all our relief. God bless everyone and may he give you the strength everyday to get you to where you need to be.
(USA) My Husband has always controlled our sex life. Right down to about 1 x a month now. I have lived with this and begged him to figure it out. It only gets worse. I have given up in that area. It’s just not going to happen, not after 16 years. Now he’s having trouble at work. He not only doesn’t care about sex he makes no effort to come home. He spends his time taking the kids here and there, but to me it’s so clear he avoids the house. When he is at home now or when I am with him I annoy him with my words and actions. I have molded myself to not get in his way, but it’s sad to say, “I am very much in his way.”
I wrote him a letter with a warning that I can only take so much and to protect myself I have backed off from him more and more. I told him he needs to see a therapist to find out why he doesn’t love me anymore. He told me I shouldn’t talk about his failing company except between 7am and 4pm and never bring it up at home. I should only talk about nice things.
My heart is broken and I feel I need to divorce him in my mind because it’s on a downward spiral. I love God. So, I want to be the good wife and mom… but I want to be loved, respected, and appreciated. Is that too much to ask?
For now, my tears sting my eyes and I again begin to cut myself off from this pain and this man I have tried to love. I am realizing it’s not going to get better and now that it’s getting worse I need to stop ignoring the damage and realize I will not be growing old with this person after all. It’s so sad but perhaps I will have time to grieve as the years go on. I think he is in denial, so I can take all the time I need. Any help is appreciated.
(USA) All I want to say here is I feel very bad to hear these comments. It’s very sad… I really understand about pain. Pain is`pain no matter how you cut it.
My story is sad also. I have a wife that allowed me to be thrown out of her godparents house instead of her, after I lost my job. I became homeless. Right now we live in separate living spaces and I only see her on the weekend
for now. We aren’t getting along very well when I do visit. There is more to this story but seriously, I feel like bull-crap.
(CANADA) It’s so sad to hear all that from you, but do you know what? I thought only my life is full of sorrow but here I can see lots of people like me. Dear, do you what our big mistake is? It’s that we love our husbands too much and that’s the thing they know very clearly. The very sad and funny thing is they never respect us but no matter what happens we love them.
Thanks Caleb, that was nice. I don’t believe in divorce either. That blessed me. I’m praying, fastening, and reading my word. I know God is working it out. I’m in the church, a firm believer, and God can do the impossible. I pray all is well with you and your wife.
(CANADA) Hi I am Aria and I have been married about 4 years. When we first got married everything was good but now I can see him changing. Like if I tell him my problems or want to talk about my past then he never pays attention to me. Once his brother’s wife told me bad things and he was beside me and he behaved like nothing happened. He called me bastard in front of my mom and I feel horrible about myself. I don’t know that if I love him anymore.
His family people doesn’t want to talk to me or be with my family but he seems like he doesn’t care about those things. Or if I tell him something about his family (even they make mistakes or behaves bad with me or my family) then he just fights with me and says nothing to his family. I am so tired with him. Please help.
(UNITED STATES) I know the feeling oh so well hun. My husband was like a dream man come true when we first got married. Four years later he treats me horribly and talks down on me. I hope you get the answers you are seeking for, just like me, but I just wanted to let you know… You are not alone! Take care and God Bless.
(USA) Hi, I feel my fiancé doesn’t make time for us to spend time together. He often makes plans for day trips and weekend trips with his friends and through his work. It makes me sad that he doesn’t do the same for me. Because of this I feel I am not able to tell him how I feel about our life and our future or his and my own personal aspirations. It really hurts my feelings. I keep trying to tell him in different ways but it’s like he is unable to grasp how important it is to me.
Also when I schedule a day for us to spend time together, it’s like he doesn’t want to talk about anything that is really important, he just wants to have a good time. I just don’t know how to make it all happen, on both my side and his. Does anyone have any thoughts? I get so sad and angry.
(USA) Aroura: please pray about whether this is the right man for you. Use the resources on the site under “Is He or She the One.” Does your church require pre-marriage counseling? If not, talk to your pastor about how to make sure you’re listening to God about what to do. I will keep you in my prayers.
(UNITED STATES) Hello Everyone, I would like to discuss my problem and in hopes I get back some ideas in what I should do in the situation I am facing in my marriage. I have been married for 5 yrs now to a man who is 35 yrs old and I am 29 yrs old. We have been getting into a lot of arguments this year.
It started with the changes my husband made about himself. He has a brother who is 1 year older then him that is in an outlaw gang. Anywho, my husband started dressing like an out law, hanging with his brother at the clubs and this is all taking place in another state. I told my husband I am not used to the biker look and I do not find him attractive in that style because that’s not how I married him. I got with him because he was a very caring, loving, funny man and now his whole dress code is changed, he has become rude, argumentive towards me and has the attitude like it’s his way or no way at all.
He puts out the impression I’ve got to deal with his new changes in life, if not, then divorce him. I would do that but I can’t cause I love him so much and that is why I feel I deal with the nonsense even if it bothers me or hurts me mentally. He would say at times really hurtful things to me. He is not even affectionate with me anymore. He let himself go in the sense where his body odor has become really disgusting. Flaws and all, I am still by his side but wish there is something I could do to bring back the man I married. He was never like this in the passed 4 years. It was this year he has become the only rebel.
I just recently lost my job so now I stay home with him. He is also unemployed due to disability. I am collecting unemployment till I find another job. I basically maintained our bills and all. Anyways, all in all he doesn’t call me when he is out of state, supposedly visiting his family, But I caught him a few times in lies when he slipped telling me a story that happened at the biker club with his brother and him. He loves to deny things and not be truthful.
The only time I hear from my husband is when I call him or text him on his cell. I asked him today why he doesn’t call me like he used to and his reply is, “Because he lives with me so he didn’t think he had to”. A response like that hurts and he fails to see that. Now if I was to do it to him he would complain and argue about it yet he feels like it’s ok to do it to me, which I find it rude and cold hearted. I’d love to make sure he is ok and that his day went well. In his case he sees it as me being over protective and I nag too much. I can go on and on in what’s going on but I rather get information lil by lil so that you all can understand and so can I when I am replied to. I would really appreciate some good advice, some feed back in what you think may be the problem to his changes and etc.
(USA) I wish my wife would put her feelings aside and listen to God. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 2 wonderful young boys. She wants a divorce. She’s fed up with me and do not want to have anything to do with me. She requested to sell the house and preferred to live on her own. The sooner the better according to her. If we live together, then we are living like “renters”. She said that I put my two boys above her. She tells me as if I have no feelings like, “I don’t love you, I don’t want to be with you, I just don’t care.”
Unfortunately, my wife wants to short sell the house, and have nothing to do with me. I may not be romantic, but I only have eyes for my wife, never cheated, church goer, and I provide. I just don’t understand. Thank you for reading this.
(CANADA) I’ve been married for 16 years, but together for 20 years. I admit and agree with my wife with all of these years I am a passive aggressor. In the past I was able to successfully change for a 1 1/2 and to continue I just needed a refresher from the therapist. We have 3 kids now 21, 18, 13. The biggest problem I’ve got is I reconize my errors but I can’t communicate my answers to her. My wife tends to have this nagging effect that did push me away but I couldn’t reach out and talk because I closed myself to answer so this brought anger and blew up in fights.
This time my wife is distant of me (I understand why because of my anger and no comunication). We talk like a married couple and sleep in the same bed. If I fall asleep on the sofa she would wake me up and go to bed but now she will leave me there. We share the same washroom. She gets naked in front of me, changes, and showers if I am there or not. We go to work in the same car and we e-mail everyday to talk about small things and go to the gym together, even laugh or help each other and eat in a family setting but there is no sex, no touching nor any kissing. She is cold as ice. She slips out the word “honey” about twice a day and no, it’s not by habit. I look in her eyes and I see just black emotion for me. It’s like the fire is out and the wood is wet. I have one match only to light this!!!
She is giving me a third chance to prove to make this happen. She tells me that she loves me but is not in love anymore. After realizing this massive error from my part, I booked 16 session of therapy for the next 16 weeks starting this Friday. She is willing to wait for me but she gave me a warning sign that she might never see the end of the tunnel but is ready to work with me. It’s a bit confusing for me to understand. Where she is heading?
We discussed very quietly yesterday that out of 20 years of marriage, not only was I wrong in this equation but more than 50/50. Why didn’t she seek some therapy? She couldn’t answer. I told her very clearly that I will not lose 20 years of this and look over the fence to see the green grass when it’s mud. I am ready to change.
After 1 week (I know it’s not long) for the third time, I understand that it is really not easy for her so she doesn’t trust me to change. But this is a big stain on my heart. This is really emotionally draining for me because she has me in a mixed emotion state because I am seeking help to be a better communicator. She is willing to seek therapy.She advises this could be months. She doesn’t know when she will come back from all this. I think she is angry and indirectly, since she got the end of the stick, she is making me suffer of some kind.
NO NO NO….she didn’t cheat on me. My questions are these.
– When will I see some acceptance in her for me?
– I will give all my love that I have not lost but how can I feel the love is returning or a sign of it?
– Do you think at the end this will reverse the role –that I will not wait for her anymore and I will move on by myself because I suffered enough? Thank you.
(USA) I am living a nightmare after over 25 years married my wife who seems to have emotionally checked out of marriage and I beleieve is giving me false hope that things will get better just for the financial aspects. She has no interest to doing anything with me and wants space ( I a home a lot with her). She doesn’t want me to give her affection and when I do it’s likes I am forcing it on her. She continues to say that she needs time to heal from me but won’t go into details and when I try to bring it up she fights and screams. She started working two years ago and things have never been the same. She is spending a lot of time getting ready for work and I am suspicious that maybe there is someone else? She totally denies it; how long to I hold on before I get out?
(USA) The key ingredients for a lasting and happy marriage are easily obtained. The good wife is submissive, supportive and understanding. Women and men are equals and in no way is a woman lesser than her husband, though the very word “submissive” sends women into a rage. The submissive wife is not a weak individual who is treated like a child, on the contrary. The submissive wife is righteous and good, putting her husband and family’s needs above her own in a selfless way to ensure peace and prosperity in her home.
A housewife has an obligation to her family. The needs of your husband come first before your own, when he is at peace so shall the family follow. Your husband has arrived home from work, your home is in disarray and the children are running a muck, your dinner table is empty and you look a mess. This is what destroys a marriage ladies, you’ve only yourself to blame for an angry husband who has no interest. Your husband arrives home from work, the house looks immaculate, the children are quietly playing or doing their studies and you have a beautiful meal on the dinner table. You have taken great care with your appearance, your hair and attire is appealing yet modest. This is a happy home,a place he enjoys returning to each day. You don’t bombard him with stressful bickering about bills or insecurities that you have, your husband is home ladies, and it’s his right to enjoy a carefree evening with his family. A husband will stray if he is greeted with dismay.
I have been happily married for twenty eight years to a good man. I don’t strife my husband with trivial complaints regarding money or sexual intercourse, I would be ashamed. Your husband will make love to you when he is ready to do so, not at your plea or whim. Our lovely church group for newly wedded couples has transformed failing marriages into beautiful partnerships.
An unfaithful husband is a failed wife. You have caused the man to sin. You’re responsible for his satisfaction. I am fifty two years old and I still perform sex on my dear old husband while he watches the evening news. Honestly ladies, this self pitty is distasteful, you should be fixing your mistakes rather than placing blame on innocent husbands who have fallen victim of your mistreatment. I read these stories and I see only one thing, selfishness.
(USA) Patty, I was there with you until you tried to shift the blame of an unfaithful spouse to the betrayed spouse. Likewise for the shift of anger. Sure, I think the home should be a peaceful, orderly place. However, we all own our own behavior, our own anger, our own sins. One cannot shift the blame to another for our sins, as appealing as that may be.
The unfaithful spouse is always the one on the hook for his or her choice to sin. People sin because they choose to do so. No one forces a cheating husband or wife to cheat. They have poor boundaries, period.
The rest of what you write, I can support. Your last statement about blaming a betrayed spouse for the sin of the unfaithful spouse, I can’t support that. Scripture is pretty clear, do no commit adultery. God is pretty clear, He doesn’t abide those who engage in adultery. I don’t recall seeing where He said that if someone betrays their spouse, the victim of her betrayal is on the hook for her affair.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Patty, “AN UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND IS A FAILED WIFE.” NOBODY causes ANYBODY to sin. Shame these poor husbands you talk about who take no responsibility, have no self control, and have fallen victim of the mistreatment by their wives. I feel sorry and pray that while you are doing EVERYTHING according to YOUR book you are never dissapointed and hurt with the results thereof.
I am raising three sons and I find your statement above to be offensive. My boys have strong morals and good character and to imply that the only thing that will keep them on the right path as husbands is the house keeping skills of their wives is doing them a disservice. A good man is faithful to his wife, period.
Wow… “an unfaithful husband is a failed wife”. “You have caused the man to sin”. “You’re responsible for his satisfaction”. ???? For anyone that is or has been a victim of a cheating spouse… please don’t believe this. Your spouse’s choice to go outside of the marriage to meet their needs, for any reason, violates the marriage covenant, breaks God’s heart and is sin. Shame on you! You are killing the wounded with your words.
(USA) Wow, I too disagree with the thought that women cause their husbands to leave. I saw in my first husband the tendency to need friendly affirmation from other women even when we were engaged. Of course, I should have seen the red flags, but I didn’t. After our wedding, he had numerous affairs even though he had a thoroughly engaged and very attractive wife at home. You cannot discount Satan’s attacks on one spouse while the other is strong enough to never entertain thoughts of adultery.
In our case a year prior to his “final affair,” three of his close work colleagues were having affairs… they were all churchgoers and well respected in the community but all ended up having affairs, getting divorced, and remarrying their girlfriends. The influences and ways of the world are very strong, and it is common for the cheater to shift blame to the spouse. Here is an article by James Dobson that explains how cheaters rationalize: http://www.christianindex.org/3214.article
(USA) I feel that emotional abandonment from a husband can be devastating to someone’s self esteem. It always makes you feel like you did something wrong to deserve that type of neglect. It’s not your fault. I have been married for 13 yrs now, and dealing with emotional abandonment from my husband. I have some recent disabilities and gained a lot of weight after having our daughter and have not been able to exercise like I used to, to lose all of the weight. Instead of my husband being supportive in helping me lose weight, he just checks out emotionally and makes me feel like I don’t deserve any attention from him because I’m fat now.
That just drove me to eat more and now I am heavier. He avoids going to public places with me and gets upset if I show up at his job. It’s like he is embarassed of me. But everytime I go on a diet or start to lose some weight, he will buy a cake or bring home donuts just to watch me fall into temptation so that he can make me feel worse.
He helps around the house, and likes to cook most of the time, but whenever we’re alone in the house he will make himself busy or avoids being in the same room with me. I know that we have been married for 13 yrs and we have been together for 15 yrs, but I refuse to feel like I deserve to be neglected. I deserve to be loved regardless of my size.
I pray about it and try to have the strengh to hang in there, but I sometimes feel like it’s best for me to just end the marriage and work on myself and get my self esteem back without having him around trying to break me down. I don’t want a divorce, but sometimes I feel that it’s the only way for me to build myself back up. Trying to talk to him is like talking to a wall, and I feel tired of wasting my life and energy on someone who does not appreciate me.
Hi Kathy, How about finding a “Marriage-friendly” counselor (you can read what that means in the “Marriage Counseling” topic) to get things started to help you sort things out emotionally, as well as physically? You may even need to eventually join a gym and/or Weight Watchers, or get a personal exercise coach, but I’d start with the marriage friendly counselor first (please know that some counselors can cause more harm than good, but some are outstanding in these types of matters).
Yes, your husband should be trying to help you with your weight goals and should be supportive. In a perfect world, he would. But he’s living in this world and he’s obviously totally blowing it, as far as helping you as a marriage partner. But some people are just oafs, as far as handling these types of matters. He probably thinks in his turned-about mind that he’s approaching these matters just fine. Obviously, he isn’t. But that doesn’t mean that the issues you have going on between you aren’t still fixable and that he won’t get better at it eventually. Maybe not, but it’s very possible. When I think of the difference in how my husband handles things now (we’ve been married over 40 years) as opposed to the first 13 or so years of our marriage, it’s like night and day. And me too. I haven’t always handled things as well as I should have. I’ve been an “oaf” at times too. But we both fell forward to learning how to be healthier in our approaches. (Although, at different times it was just one of us doing the initial work until the other joined in.) But we didn’t throw each other out (even though sadly, we almost did); we hung in there. And I’m SO glad we did… we now have a GREAT marriage!
I encourage you to NOT throw out your marriage and leave the father of your daughter, but instead to do what you said you wanted to do. Work on your own issues. For a season –this season, take your eyes off of your husband and his issues. As you’re working on yours, you may eventually inspire him to work on his. Maybe a counselor can help you to know how to better “inspire” him as you get stronger emotionally and physically. Obviously, the added weight bothers YOU. So, do something about it. Sometimes we need extra help. A good counselor can help you to sort all of this out. Yes, you DO deserve to “be loved” no matter what weight you are, but I sense in your comment that even YOU don’t love you. It’s time to work on that in a wise way, not an “up yours,” like the world approaches it, type of way. Release the thoughts of what your husband thinks about your added weight and instead work on your own issues.
If you think that dumping your husband can get you onto a better physical track and emotional track, let me tell you, divorce is MUCH more costly than you imagine it is. You will just be pushing away some problems (although many of them will still hook onto you and will be dragged into your “new” life), and you will be taking on a whole new set of different ones. You’re swapping one load of problems for another. And while it may seem like they wouldn’t be as bad (it’s easy to think that when we don’t know them), trust me… I’ve seen it over and over and over again where the now divorced person cries out, “what was I thinking?” and they DEEPLY regret what they did to their life and to their child’s life by divorcing. I’d hate for you to be in that place.
You don’t mention much about faith in your comment, other than that you “pray” about certain things. But this is a Christian web site, so I can’t help but ask you, “what would Jesus do?” What do you think His approach to all of this would be? Would He dump out, or would He persevere all the more and get the help needed to turn things in a better direction? What do you think He would tell you, if you asked Him, what you should do? I believe He would tell you to pray, asking for wisdom on what to do about the weight “problem” you are dealing with, and would tell you to take your eyes off of your husband, and onto what YOU could do about that, which is before you (with or without your husband’s support). I hope you will. I pray for you Kathy. I pray wisdom for you and help and hope for a better tomorrow. And I pray for your husband’s eyes to be eventually opened to how he TRULY can help you. I pray you will find the help you need to get your life onto a healthier track emotionally, physically, and especially spiritually.
(USA) I’m 24 my husband is 26. We have been married for four years, and separated for a year. We’ve argued, fought, lied to each other, and cheated. It’s like he stopped loving me along time ago but I still love him with all my heart. He says we’re getting a divorce. That’s the last thing I want. When we got married I didn’t know the things I know now. I feel like I shouldn’t give up but he spends all his time and love on someone else. What do I do ??
(SPAIN) Hi Sarafina. I’m sorry if I don’t speak very well English. Okay, so I have a similar problem like you, but we didn’t lie or fought each other and cheated… that’s brutal. But she doesn’t want to talk me for some reason, and I’m just wondering what did I do? I feel emotionally abandoned. Okay, so I don’t want to sound like everything is lost, but I recommend you to read a book that is called The Love Dare
. It will lead you everyday, and tell you what to do. If you have faith, and you really want to save your marriage and your spouse, this book will help you.
The most important thing when love seems to be lost, is don’t think about negative stuff but good stuff about your husband. You need to think that you married him for a reason, and that reason is still in your heart. Don’t give up!