As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(INDIA) One important thing you should learn is that God is not a magician who would turn things right. Be practical and try to move on in your life. Don’t waste your time for the person who doesn’t cares for you. And if it’s not possible for you, then call him. Arrange a meeting. When he arrives, burst into tears and tell him about your disturbed life. Tell him sorry for the mistakes which you haven’t done. If he still loves you a bit then this should work.
(MALAWI) Why do we even get married in the first place? It would have been easier if we could just sleep aound without having to get married :( I married this man and my marriage is a nightmare… he was a nice guy, but now, I kinda think of him like a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” He only cares about himself, doesn’t care about how I feel or what I need… IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM! It makes me wish I never married him!
I’m just angry at myself for marrying him, for letting him get away with cheating and for forgiving him. I forgave him and that’s why I’m in this state… I shouldn’t have! Aaarrrgh! Why do I believe in God? I want to pay my hubby back so bad and do bad stuff but my heart just won’t let me, simply because I fear God. Sometimes I just feel like a loser for believing in God! eish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(UK) I’m so sorry about the way you feel right now, but just know that God is always there with you no matter what. You are certainly not a loser for believing in God, nor doing his will because the word says he will repay us for all our deeds (Rev 22:11-12). He also said we will all reap according to what we have sown. So be rest assured that if you have been sowing forgiveness and love into your marriage, you will eventually reap it. You might not see it immediately, but hold on to your faith and keep praying.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband and I were married for 3 years. I had my children one after the other. Throughout my pregnancies I cried deeply. My husband abused me emotionally. I did not know that he had problems (baggage) before we got married. He would run away for minor things. If I did not greet him with a kiss at the door he would pick an argument and run away for a day or two. I was afraid of being alone and he knew it.
Johannesburg is not a safe place. Throughout the marriage he moved us 17 times. We lived in rooms, in a garage, for free with two families. My dignity was compromised. I tried to be happy but it was difficult. Only times I complained was because of the living arrangements. My husband did not believe making me happy was a priority. When we finally moved to the Cape, he made us live in a tent against my will. He ran away 4 times while me and two babies had to be alone. At times he would take our bedding, food and clothing with him. He would leave without fastening the tent to the ground that the children and I nearly blew away in the wind.
I reported the abandonment to the police. I found him in another town in a camping resort hiding from me. When I opened the tent, I found him on his knees with a weird look on his face, with the Bible in his hand and with the words. “We must watch more marriage enrichment DVDs.” No apologies just ready to sweep things under the rug to rot. It was then I realized I was dealing with a mentally ill person. I am no professional psychologist but I could tell there was something wrong with him. It was like living with a stranger. He started telling me how he discussed me in a negative way with people that we both knew. It broke my heart. I did not trust him anymore.
Three days later a criminal broke into our tent and threatened to kill us. The man stabbed the tent above my head. After the Police caught the criminal I sobbed thinking of just a few days before my children and I could have been killed and where was my husband. He was angry because I told him that him abandoning us as he did 100’s of times could cause our deaths. I later found us a beach home to rent. It was beautiful just what I am use to. But for that month he became more abusive towards me and the children. He would throw me against the walls making sure he does not hit me. He hit my daughter who is only 2 until his finger prints remained on her body. I could no longer live with such a monster. His family would phone and he would speak negatively of me even when we were on good terms. I felt unloved, alone, heartbroken and sometimes suicidal.
I was the only one job searching. He would sleep until 2pm and sometimes remain in his pj’s until night time. I just could not handle it. He would only leave the home if he could go on 4X4 drives. I was told what to eat, what to drink and purchasing the kids a snack was to him a waste. I could not treat my kids. When he took us out he would choose the cheapest on the menu and always take-out, never wanting to spend money on his family. The night after our wedding anniversary my baby cried because she needed changing. He grabbed her from the cot and started shouting at her. He started squeezing her ribs to get her to keep quiet. I told him to stop, because she continued crying he started shaking her violently and lifted his hand to strike her. I jumped in front of her and put my arm over her so that he might strike me. I shouted for him to never lay his hand on my daughter again. The look in his eye scared me. He was willing to strike a baby.
That day I decided to plan my escape with my children. Days went by and no one could help me. I reported his abusive behavior to the local police but they just told me to leave him. I took the car and drove to the next town with the children and our credit card. I wanted to get us out of there. When I wanted to pay for the bus tickets we discovered the credit cards were stopped. That day I sobbed because I had to go back and had to pretend. He was just happy to see us return. But I made sure that I contacted the welfare so that all of this was on record. The day before my children and I left I felt as if I was dying. My husband lived in the other side of the house in a locked room. And we on the one side, no communication at all until the Welfare sent a Pastor to the door, someone I had never met.
The man could see I was depressed and had given up. He counseled us for hours. Finally I could speak because I was never allowed to voice my feelings. I told of all the hurt and abuse I endured. How my kids were affected emotionally. The man seemed to side with me. I still remember him telling my husband that he should love me and make me happy. And if a wife is not happy a husband could not be happy either. Nothing this Pastor said did my husband absorb. I finally broke the news that my kids and I were leaving him the next day. This was the first time he had knowledge of us leaving him. I told them that the local police would come and fetch us and then we would leave to the city where my folks lived.
The day I left my husband sobbed, locked himself in the room and would not come near the children. For three days before our departure he did not even hug the children or play with them. Whenever he was angry at me the children had to suffer. I left him and it was like a breath of fresh air. I am now away from him for a month with no contact and no support from him. I got myself and the children into counseling; we are recovering slowly. A long road of recovery lies ahead. I can never go back, not ever. All I can now do, is pray for healing for us all and for him. I feel sorry for him. We are safe, GOD rescued me. My last cry was to the LORD to help me and the children to be rescued from abuse. GOD helped us to safety. I still love my husband but not enough to go back.
Mel, I’m thankful you and the children are safe. What a heart-breaking story. It doesn’t sound like this is as much of a case of emotional abandonment as it is mental illness taking control. It seems apparent that you are not dealing with a man who has full use of his mind –to know that what he was doing to you and especially to your children was abusive. In cases like this, the best you can do is get to a place of safety, pray that he doesn’t hurt someone else and hope that he leaves you and the children alone. You and your children are in danger in many ways when he is with you.
As difficult as this is, and I have no doubt that it is terribly difficult, it’s a miracle that you and the children got out alive and that your daughter didn’t end up with shaking child syndrome, because that kind of shaking of a child can rattle the brain –literally, and cause brain damage. I’m sure he didn’t realize it but it sounds like he is capable of seriously hurting the children –not only physically, but emotionally. It’s not good for them to be controlled and endangered like that. Again, I’m so thankful that you found a way of escape and that you and the children are safe. May the Lord bind up your emotional wounds, and help you to feel safe and confident, and to have hope that the future will be brighter for all of you. God bless. Thank you for sharing your life experience with us.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thank you Cindy for your words of encouragement. I am getting stronger each day by GOD’s grace. GOD is an awesome GOD.
My heart went out to You. Much love and God’s blessings upon you and your children.
(USA) I was married and dumped all in a 24 hour period. That was 45 years ago as soon as the I DOs were over things changed for the worst no the better. We had sex once and that was it never again, no intimacy no nothing in all these years. He moved to the basement and immediately started working the midmight shift. He did these things so he wouldn’t need to be with me. Sex to him was meaningless, he said it was disgusting, messy and gross. No pleasure, excitment a total waste of time and way too much work for so little. So the only things I got from our marriage was a wedding ring which I never will wear again, depression, hatered, confusion. MY world and marriage was ruined forever.
That is very very sad. He couldn’t have been a Christian man. The Lord be with you. He will heal you, and you will be with HIm forever in heaven if you accept Jesus as the only way, truth and life, and ask him to be your Lord and personal Savior. He loves you. This was the devil’s doing to try to destroy you.
(UNITED STATES) Love is patient, love is kind it does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
(USA) I am so glad I came upon this site. I am sorry all of you are going through the same thing I am. I wish this upon no one. But it sounds like we all have the same faith in God to restore, or in my case, begin a relationship. Begin… after 30 years. Maybe someone here will have some or any suggestions for me. I am at a point with my non existent relationship that I am questioning God. I’ve been submissive, I think, to the point of being walked on.
I’ve been lied to, spent nights alone because I said something wrong. Said too much or just asked to talk. I don’t dare ask for any conversation that is deeper than what the weather is going to be like. If I try to share something that hurt me I get, ” you’re just never happy”, or “You’re going to start this again.” I am supposed to never remember that he didn’t come home from a strip club and said he was just too drunk to drive home. And the extra 250.00 he took out of the ATM, that made me bounce, was because a table got broke. Or that he lied to me numerous times about where he was. It was my fault because he couldn’t tell me the truth.
Times I didn’t confront him because the times I did were so awful. We don’t fight as long as I’m happy with no relationship. If I foolishly desire a friendship, communication or just a sincere good night it will cause problems. I am supposed to be happy because he works every day and lives here. I’m not. It has gone on so long he has just about made me believe that there is something wrong with me. This has to be the loneliest place on earth. A marriage with no relationship. He says I want blood. I wanted a relationship, with him. Everything is conditional. If I wasn’t like this he wouldn’t do that. I change that and it’s something else. ALWAYS conditional.
I believe that we struggle, in every area of our lives, because he doesn’t lead our family the way God intended for him to. He really knows nothing about me, our children or our home. He goes to church and questions why I don’t go with him. I question why he goes and can come home and be hateful or ignore me. Part of me doesn’t care anymore. Part of me has faith that God can do the impossible. I just know I’m tired. Tired of being alone and tired of hoping maybe today or tomorrow will be different. The hurts of the past can’t go away because the hurts of today keep the wound open. It’s NEVER had enough time in between to heal. He “Doesn’t need counseling” he’s not unhappy. He’s not interested in learning how to fix anything. This translates to “I don’t care” to my heart. Open for thoughts and suggestions. Praying for all of you.
Very selfish. Ask the Lord to take care of this. Really pray about it day or night. Don’t let him drive you crazy. That may be his goal. Some men do not want to be confronted about anything, even if what they are being confronted about is your attempt to save the marriage. I don’t think it is right to be mean or abusive to your spouse, but confronting him about the way he treats you is not wrong.
It is the manner in which you do it. When things are not going the way men want them to go in every way in their lives, they get angry, and they try to think of ways to control you, control your emotions –train you not to say anything, or make you go crazy or both. Men who do this habitually time after time after time cannot be Christian. They wouldn’t be doing it all the time year after year after year if they were. You just have to pray for your unbelieving spouse to become born again.
I don’t advocate divorce. Divorce is permissible only if you do not remarry. If a man is physically abusing you or mentally abusing you to a point where it is affecting your health, you have a right to get away. God will not fault you. You may not necessarily have to get a divorce right away. You need to be separated and pray that the marriage will be healed, and that God will restore the hearts in this marriage so that you can come back together again contingent on the fact that no further abuse occurs.
What do you do when one or both of the spouse’s has Asperger’s Syndrome and there just is not enough passion and attraction emotionally between the two of you? I know you have to stay in the marriage and try to make it work, but I really have no idea what a real Godly marriage is supposed to look like. People give a lot of generalizations, but even when you ignore the fact that there is no real deep connection, it keeps coming back in your face. It’s like you are trying to make the marriage work, but the ugly reminder of feeling like you really don’t have a husband in all aspects of marriage keeps haunting you.
Don’t know what to do anymore seems like my wife doesn’t want anything to do with me. I give her all the time I possibly can and I commit to her 100%. I work hard for her to get her what she wants and needs but nothing I do is enough. We started off so well and now it’s like the flame that was burning in our relationship before has burnt out. We’ve only been married a year. I need help I feel alone in this. I have no one. I’m starting to give up; seems like she’s always mad at me. The days she is happy, I cherish them.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He refuses to communicate with me. Whenever I need to address some issues that I have with him, he won’t accept it and just chooses push me away. Even though it was not such a big deal of an issue & I thought it was nothing really, he would still push me away & act cold with me. He refuses to talk about any problems or issues that we’re facing. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore and I can’t reach out to him to talk about anything. We haven’t talked in over a month. Currently we are also living in a different country which makes it even harder to communicate. But he’s just a different man now. I feel so alone and he seems like he doesn’t even care about me anymore. I think he doesn’t even love me anymore. I feel so lonely and depressed coz I care about him so much but unfortunately he’s the opposite. Any advice?
My husband and I have been together for ten years, married for eight, and we have three children together. When we first met, we were college students and although we spent all of our free time together, we were rarely alone. Most of our “dates” involved our friends as well and over the years I have come to realize that this led me to a false perception of my husband.
Shortly after we married we had our first child and I quit my job to stay home and raise the kids. We also moved out of state so my husband could take a better paid position with a new company. Suddenly we were miles away from our friends and family and all on our own. I began to realize that my husband is a drastically different person in a one-on-one situation where he isn’t putting on a public persona. It turns out that my husband does not like to socialize at all. Living with him over the years I’ve come to understand that he is extremely introverted and prefers to read/think/play computer games on his own.
If I attempt to have a conversation with him after our kids are in bed in the evenings I am harshly “shushed.” Other times I’m told “I can’t really pay attention to what you’re telling me because I don’t care about what you’re saying” and I’m encouraged to pick a topic that is more interesting to him if I want to have a conversation. I’m an extremely social person and I crave interaction with my husband. I’ve tried to be understanding and patient with him. I’ve tried to understand that he needs his quiet alone time to relax each day and avoid talking to him the first few hours he is home from work so he has a chance to unwind. But I’m starting to reach the end of my tolerance. At some point isn’t he supposed to take notice of my needs as well?
I have greater emotional intimacy with my friends than I do with my husband. I’ve very openly told him how I feel, but instead of showing any kind of concern about our lack of intimacy he has encouraged me to spend more time going out with my girlfriends so I can get my “social fix.” I’ve resisted this suggestion because my friendships are FINE! It’s my MARRIAGE that is lacking. But the more it becomes apparent to me that my husband is indifferent to me and our relationship, the more I’ve started taking him up on the suggestion to just go out with my girl friends. If I go out to dinner, or see a movie, or take my kids to the zoo, or spend a weekend away at the beach -it’s with my friends (and sometimes my friends husbands as well.)
While I enjoy my friendships very much, I’m also saddened that I don’t have the opportunity to share these experiences with the person I thought I was going to share my life with. We’re essentially living like co-workers who show up each day to work towards the common goal of maintaining our household and and providing for our kids. But that’s where our relationship ends. I don’t want to end up divorced, and I know my husband would never suggest it because unlike me, he’s completely satisfied with our marriage. But I can’t help feeling like I chose the wrong spouse and sometimes thinking of the love I could have had in my life if I would had used better judgement choosing a husband, makes me break down and cry.
Kate, I can totally relate! I have felt like a single mom, taking my kids to things with my friends and their husbands go but not mine. It’s very lonely. I don’t have much advice as I am in the same boat, but wanted you to know I understand and I will pray for you! Keep on! You’re amazing!
Hi Kate, I know that what is going on between you and your husband can be frustrating. I have been married to my wife for three years now and she says our marriage was horrible but she really says the first two years were bad because she said she was showing me how much she loved me and was doing things for me but I wasn’t paying attention to her; kind of like what your husband is doing to you. I would go to school, work, then come home and take care of our kids and felt like I was doing a lot and she was doing little because all she had to do was work and take care of the kids. But this whole time she was letting me know that she wasn’t happy and I was ignoring it by just saying things like just get over it or whatever you say this is because I didn’t want to argue with her. But all she was trying to do was tell me her feelings.
It wasn’t until these last 4-5 months that I realized how much my wife really loved me. It clicked when she told me she was done and wanted to divorce me because she wasn’t happy. But to me this was God opening my eyes to my wife because he wasn’t getting through any other way until I heard divorce and this is something I do not believe in. Since then it has been really hard because my wife said she is not threatening me; she is serious but she still hasn’t done anything to divorce me, which I am thankful for because I am trying to change and show her that I am different.
Basically I was being selfish ignoring my wife, the person God gave me to love, honor, and respect. I wasn’t doing any of this I was too busy worrying about myself and not being one with my wife. It wasn’t until I looked up online how to win your wife back or what to do to get your wife to stop saying she wants to divorce you. Things that kept pointing out to me was watch “Fireproof,” which I’m sure you have heard of. There is a book in the movie called The Love Dare
. This has been really helpful for and opened me up to things I didn’t see before. Also, my brother in laws are in the church and have been helping me, as well. So because of this book I have been changing but the change isn’t for my wife; it is for God.
If you put everything into God, trust in him, pray to him with your problems, thank him and praise him he will rebuild or mold you into the wife he wants you to be for your husband. While you are working on yourself and praying for God to change your husband’s heart (maybe for him to start noticing you or appreciating you) he will be working on your husband. I would suggest doing this book. It is a forty day love dare. It is hard but I think it is worth it.
I am still going through it and I am on day 32 but I am trusting and believing in God that he will change my wife’s heart and make me into the husband he wants me to be for her. I have felt a change. I listen to my wife with all my attention if the TV is on I turn it off; when she comes home from work I greet her; I do things around the house without her asking. Before I figure this was what a women was supposed to do and I, the guy, was supposed to just work and provide and that was it. But I have come to realize that in marriage and loving someone you have to work at.
The book has taught me that it says to love and do things that Jesus did. For instance my wife stopped telling me she loved me, she took her weddings rings off, she stopped touching me and stopped having sex with me. She has flirted with another guys in front of me and talks about him like she used to talk about me, and she tells me she’s done or wants to divorce me. All this stuff hurts and takes an emotional toll on me but I love her no matter what and this is just the devil trying to destroy our marriage. These things have made me really mad but instead of getting angry like before, I just stop and pray and God takes my frustration, anger, and pain away.
The point is Jesus loves us unconditionally, no matter what we have done wrong or right, so therefor we should love our spouse as Jesus loves us. I know God is helping us because, she stopped talking about that guy, she has more good days with me now than bad, and she has kissed me every now and then. Also God doesn’t want you to get a divorce, he wants your marriage to work and for you to honor him with your marriage. I hope some of this helps.
I believe that we live in a society that has trained men for years to be emotionally crippled. How do we undo these years of emotional detachment and help these men work towards connecting with their emotions?
Good evening, I’m a 34 year old man and married for 12 years went out for 3 years before we got married. My wife is 28 years old; we have three kids from our marriage. She has had sex outside of our marriage with numerous men including some of my acquaintances. She isn’t working and tends to spend more time with her girl friends.
My question is when we speak about or have sex with each other I ask her about who she’s thinking about and she doesn’t want to tell or sometimes makes up a story. She also has this thing that she speak to her friends much more than she speaks to me about anything, I could ask her about anything sex related then she wouldn’t answer me. But sometimes I manage to get her to open up when we watch porn together just to work up a sex drive between the two of us. She just shuts me out. I know I don’t make her get an orgasm because she’s as if she’s just doing to satisfy me. This makes me feel she has something that she’s hiding. Please help me.
My husband cheated in our bed and was caught after the fact. He’s been cheating throughout the 16 years of marriage. We have 3 children, two boys a a girl. The girl is the youngest. I left the home because of my emotional breakdown. I just couldn’t deal with it. It hurted me so I had to leave. I’ve been gone for about 6 weeks and he tells me he’s file for legal seperation and abandonment. I want to fix the marriage but he doesn’t. I’ve prayed, fasting, and reading my word. Now I’ve asked to come back home he tries to stop me. He doesn’t want me back to the house. Any advice and thank you.
I need help. Porn has been a scourge to our relationship since 1988. It has ruined my desire for sexual intimacy. The first time I caught him with it I confronted him and he promised to not use it again. I can’t say with any degree of certainty that he abstained over the years, but our relationship was never the same after that. About six years ago I found out he was into hard core stuff when I set up internet monitoring on our router.
I confronted him again and he acted all repentant and started couple devotions with me, which quickly became one sided with me doing all the reading and him zoning out. If I didn’t bring it up he wouldn’t say anything and we didn’t do it. I got weary of feeling like I was doing devotions with the wall and quit suggesting it. He spends the majority of his time messing around with his electronics and won’t have any meaningful conversations with me. I gave up. Then he stared downloading stuff with sexual content again (the internet filter doesn’t catch everything). I confronted him again a few days ago.
Now he essentially won’t speak to me at all. When I try to carry on conversation he gives me a short answer and goes on with his own thoughts or web surfing. The tension can be cut with a knife. I’m sure our kids must wonder (ages 18 and 21 still at home). He is bipolar and I fear he might brew until he convinces himself I’d be better off without him. That’s not what I want at all but he gets the idea in his head he can’t do anything right and just checks out mentally and I fear one day physically. I just want a healthy normal marriage but I see it going down the tubes very fast. How do you get someone to communicate when they put up a wall?
Marsha, Please go into the “Pornography and Cybersex” topic of this web site. Please read through all you can (including “Quotes” and “Testimonies” on this because it will open your eyes to a whole new understanding of what is going on with your husband. He has stepped into an insidious world that grabs at men and completely empties them of reasoning, much like a heroin user. He is obviously in deep and doesn’t realize that with help he can break free, but without help, he will keep going in deeper and deeper. The bipolar personality is an addictive one –it feeds on excess and grabs onto that which is horribly habit-forming (which pornography is).
Please read all you can. Your husband has accepted the fake as a false substitute for the real –you. It’s not your fault… it’s just the nature of the beast he has grabbed onto. He is obviously addicted at this point and is going down farther and farther. After you have read what you can, please go into the “Recommended Resources and Web site Links” part of that topic. We have a huge list of ministries that we give links to, who could possibly help you to figure out what you can do as a wife after you’ve become better educated on this. Some of these ministries work exclusively with the wife (at least in the beginning). I HIGHLY recommend that you do this before it’s too late. This COULD be fixable at this point, but the further down he goes into this, the more difficult it will be for him to raise his head up to see the light of day or the light of reasoning to reach out for the help he needs.
I’ve been married for five years and my husband has shown me attachment only when I’ve spend some time with his parents. I have a cordial relation with my inlaws but it lacks the bond which my husband wants. I’ve been trying to do everything to please him but everytime there has been some complains from him and his family. I feel I am a performer not a human being any more. I am being taught how to take responsibilities past five years.
Of late he has absolutely stopped speaking to me and during night time he just comes to the bedroom and sleeps within seconds. I yelled shouted and even pleaded but he just says our frequency doesn’t match, which is true. I do not agree with most of his views and vice versa but I have tried to adjust. More over he hurts me by saying I only talk point to point to you because I don’t know how you will react. Further he has irritation for me because I maintain a polite relation with his mother but there is no emotional bond with her. So, she clings to him for everything and he does not get his space. He always complains if I had been friendlier with his mother he would be spared of all the domestic gossip and now he has to compensate for my behaviour.
I am a dentist and I somehow I don’t feel comfortable with my mother in law so I speak only what is required. But I give full attention to their needs. I do not neglect my husband in any way at all, but he says the way you behave with others I am behaving same with you and you feel bad. I feel confused. I give full attention to him and look after his parents needs. Yet he is always distant. He only says you are not a maid in this house what you’re doing for my parents is what a maid does. I cannot bring myself to show any attachment towards my inlaws and that’s why he is shutting me out. I married him and for his parents he is emotionally torturing me. I genuinely don’t know know what to do. I am depressed beyond repair.