As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
My wife and I have been married for 22 years. Sex was always great. I’ve always been the one to initiate, and that’s been the basis of several arguements. It’s hard to feel loved when your best friend makes you do all the work (physically anyway). Recently, and this isn’t the first time, she shut me down physically. It usually starts with her denying me several days in a row, which leads me to not speaking. (I know it’s immature, but it’s all I have.) I feel she does, and always has, uses sex as a treat and a weapon. It’s been 3 weeks now, and the tension is getting worse by the day. I don’t get it. I’ve always told her that sex in marriage is part of the deal. I don’t feel like I’m asking for the moon, but this can’t go on.
I would say you will have to bit the bullet, say you were wrong. Make a romantic gesture, create a romantic setting. Write her a love letter telling her all the things you love about her, including what she does behind closed doors. Tell her you like it when she… or if she would. The above will make her want to do more for you… maybe buy her something and have her try it on for you. If you want it, you’re probably going to need to take the first step… even if it’s a baby step, or walking behind her and just holding, kissing and whispering sweet thoughts in her ear.
Same issue here, problem is ours is only two years down the line. All the moves are met with “silly” little excuses and worse is we even might do a romantic dinner, and come home to “I am soo tired, can we sleep and do it tomorrow?” And more excuses that don’t make sense. I never want to take short cuts, but this is becoming a deal breaker.
My husband doesn’t use th term we… regardless if we did something together or not, when he talks to someone he is attracted to he says I… He is a flirt, and always leaving the door cracked for a possible opportunity and watching attractive women. I feel him shutting me out, we’ve only been married 2.4 years. He wants more space, in fact that is all he has talked about since we got married. He wants me to have my own life and stay out of his. :-( but that is not the life he sold me on…
I feel panicked because he is so secretive. He is not up front about his interactions. He keeps me at an arm’s length and then wonders why I’m not happy. You can’t make me happy by buying me things. I just want to feel like I’m the only women in the world to him… I want him to be open, honest, and for him to be completely into me. Does everyone deserve that?
I don’t trust my husband, and I don’t feel he is love with me or finds me attractive like he has said. He would like me to be thinner and to get implants… He has said I’m a middle girl not a super model and not a troll. I have sex appeal, but it never feels like it’s enough.
He wants this grand experience in life, and he is so disappointed that life isn’t going as he planned or hoped financially and the blame all comes down on me. He thinks I’m negative even if we’re talking about cars. I’m not sure how someone can be negative talking about statistics of motorcycles… especially when it’s not an emotional conversation. I guess I have a lot going on. I’m not even sure what the root of the problem is anymore… Any advice?
Okay, someone tell me, how weird is marriage? I am 30 years old with a 27 year old wife; barely two years after getting married, as a guy whose testosterone seems over of the roof, now painfully looks at ways to suppress it. I am an easy going and fun guy, believe to be romantic,”at least wife’s friends keep saying that.”
Problem is, what started as a flamy relationship, now seems on a dying bed, due to dying romance. Yes we laugh, we spend time together, rarely fight,..but when it comes to sexual affairs,…its frustrating. Initially it was a free flow kind of romping, but later romantic gestures are met with giggles or thank yous that literally head no where. Most sexual moves fizzle out, with regular, “I need to pee” which later turns to “need to take care of this and that. A chocolate body smear met with, “I feel way sleepy, lets do this tomorrow” and so many other “friendly” excuses.
Now we may go well over a month without sex, compared to just 6 months ago, which would be an everyday affair. Okay most times, is it normal for ladies to die this natural death or something’s not right. To note,..we are together most times as we have a common business that we are running together.
This is normal… my friend hang in there… the stronger the fire the faster the objects burn up. Trust me, slow fluffy flames are more romantic for about six to eight years. I was a virgin when I met my wife… she was very exploratory at the beginning. Though, that was a great first two years she grew out of the toys and such. We just enjoy each other now… You sound like you have a really good thing going. If you even question the state of your relationship, it is a good sign. You still have the desire to have and build a healthy relationship.
Ask her what would make her feel more ‘in the mood.’ Read books to get ideas on how to get her in the mood. Don’t give up. Get her flowers, light candles, play music, ask her what is important to her.
My husband of 33 years left me, walked away from our long-term marriage, without a clue to me, that anything was wrong, except -he stopped all sexual contact with me for 6 months. I even slept on the couch for the entire time. I knew he was having a “mid-Life” crisis of sort, and he was 55 years old, hated his job as an assistant manager at a local department store, and I gave him the space to figure things out.
But, looking back at my own actions, or lack of them, I should have said something to him, not yell, but find out why he was treating me so badly and stand-offish. My husband never had friends at all around him during our entire marriage, and is an introvert, while I’m an extrovert, very talkative, and outgoing. I just thought he wasn’t ready to share his thoughts or feelings with me, but again, looking back, I should have said something to him about how I was feeling –shut out.
The book called Runaway Husbands
, by Dr. Vicki Stark, whose own husband walked out of their 21 year marriage for another woman who was younger, interviewed over 400 women for her book on this subject of wife abandonment, and just like me, we were tossed out like we were garbage, trash, and know for sure, it was “him” and his issues, and nothing we did wrong. These types of people are the way they are, and have been all their lives, but we never saw it.
The type of man I married at age 23 years old, is nothing like he is now, and as they say, hind-sight is always 20/20 because I stayed too long in this marriage to a man who has never disclosed his emotions or feelings, and can never apologize for his actions either. Now, just 1 year after my husband left me, I am healing from his emotional abuse, and know I will be fine.
Please pray for my marriage. My spouse has started into an adulterous relationship and has emotionally shut me out completely to the point that he will hardly speak without yelling and getting mad about nothing. He is so hostile and has decided that this other person is the love of his life and wants a divorce. Please help me bring this matter before God and ask for softening and turning of his heart from her back to God and his family.
I’ll pray but as a man… As a Christian man I must say you must hold your foot down. You needn’t say a word to him or his significant other. The righteous indignation you have in your heart should be left undefiled by the good intentions you may have. Only talk to him if absolutely necessary, only if he is willing.
On the flip side I will say this. Do the above but love works in bad times. As a matter of fact it shines the brightest in the darkest of hours. If he has any will to repent, you moving on with your life as if he has done you no wrong, will undoubtedly put hot coals on his head. Regardless if he changes his mind or not you need to live a happy life for yourself.
My wife and I still have a quite of bit of passion and respect for one another. Lately we’ve been seeing counselors and things seem to be going right out in the open. However, there are constant suttle outbursts… I’m not one to argue so I just retreat for quiet time and revisit our life together with a clear head.
It works. Space is still OK at times. Expecting good, routine stressors is healthy. Making room in my relationship for my spouse having bad days is the best move I could make. I cheer her on even if I believe we are the underdogs, and not doing so hot, because I’m a loyal fan of team us.
Even with all of that she is very adamant about leaving me, almost like a star player leaves a team for the best. I just want her to see that we are still winners. She is still a winner. What do you do when your spouse loses respect for the flame that still burns?
I have read many, many, books and like to encourage others to learn about how to understand men and marriage problems, but one thing I will probably never be comfortable with is my husband acting distracted or sensing that something is wrong but of course he won’t ever tell me what it could be. I go from feeling like I’ve made so much progress to feeling like leaving, all within an hour. I have such a hard time being around my husband without taking medication for anxiety. If I don’t take the medicine I get dermatitis on my face from stress. It makes me want to leave or kill myself, which I am not planning on doing either. Grrrrr.
I can relate. Celebrating 7 year anniversary in 7 days! How ironic, when he threatens to leave. He’s packed up, said he’s leaving today. He’s still here. Perhaps he’s just doing it for the kids sake! I’m not going to beg him to stay, truth is, deep down, it kind of felt like a relief when he announced he’d depature! There has been no inifidelity in our marriage. This is over a silly altercation with loyalty to his friends & not prioritizing, the kids.
I love him dearly, yes, there’s two sides to every story, but sometimes some men, just don’t want too grow up & embrace Fatherhood & responsibility. It goes beyond your paycheck. We need men of God to take up their rightful place as Prophet, Priest, & King in the homes.
Lord, Help me to submit, even when I know I’m right, so that you can correct & heal my marriage. Yes, have my flaws too. Less talking for me, it always ends up in a heated argument, blameshifting. Need to focus on the kids development. God will see us through.
I sympathized with all, being lonely in a marriage is the worst feeling. I refuse to date because I felt I was saving myself for my husband. I met my husband; he is kind at heart. I am so lonely, from work he goes to meet friends, by the time he is back he is too tired to spend time with me and daughter. I have complained no avail, decided to give him his freedom, but he is becoming worse, I haven’t had a companion 2 years now. Even when we go on vacation, he leaves me and the baby to come back at midnight. He sees me cry alone but he doesn’t show any empathy. I don’t know what to do about it.
I can relate to almost all of your stories… Stayed with unloving, not affectionate, not supportive, rude, always angry husband for the sake of my daughter, who left for College this year. He does not even agree to divorce and will fight me all the way through the process.
Hello. My name is Joenika. I been married for two years but been dating my husband for six years. I’m scared; my marriage has failed. I feel it and he had said it a lot. I am in love with him even when he put us in bad situation I still try to hold on. I noticed a huge turn around on Halloween night. I feel emotionally abandoned. It hurts to hear him say if I don’t do certain things he’s going to pack up and move to Minnesota with his sister. That hurts because not once have I thought about leaving him, especially without him knowing. Plus, I should be the one to be ready to quit because I am the type of person who wants to please. God, it’s hard. I don’t know what to do and I need help with my marriage.
What certain things is he saying you have to do? I really feel for you as I am in a similar situation. I have no where left to turn and feel I will die unhappy as my wife never changes, no matter how much we talk.
My wife is Japanese and I have often excused her behavior towards me as cultural but am now starting to think that it might not be so cultural. I am not sure… she shuts me out physically and emotionally and makes me make all the moves sexually or otherwise. She ignores me in favour of listening to the kids when I have started speaking first. I have read all the things that husbands should do to keep the marriage fresh but at the end of the day, if she says she loves me but there is no evidence physically or emotionally I feel really really down. I love her and the kids but I can’t go on feeling so alone.
We have been together since March 1995. We have had a lot of up and down matters to go through. Her family abandoning or seeking to use her when she became mentally ill amongst other issues. When all of her relatives made her homeless, she moved in with me which saw us be together no matter what.
Since 2005, I have found myself become less able and mobile due to movement disorders and she became my career in 2010, a year after failed criminal proceedings against me based on a false accusation, which affected the whole family (four kids).
My movement disorders has made sex impossible for me which saw my wife take it personally despite explaining it was my brain, not her causing the issue.
She hardly talks to me now or listens and when I talk to her, I often hear the annoyed sound. She also will talk down to me in front of the children but she also expects me to hug her. She won’t clean or cook but makes the children do all of it and she’ll send our two teenager children out to shop instead of doing it herself.
Despite being the only person who ever stood up for her, she will never stand by me when I need it and she gets grumpy if I criticise some behaviour from her relatives. As I’m on a disability pension and she’s on a career’s pension, moving out would make the essentials unaffordable for the children.
Hello, I have been married for over 19 years and am so heart broken. Lately whenever my husband is talking to our daughter about something & I join the conversation, if I say something that he doesn’t like he will say, “be quiet; I’m not talking to you.” This really hurts because I feel like our daughter is siding with him. I cannot talk to him about any type of issue, because it will turn into an acttack on my character & not the subject. I have tried counseling, but he acts like a totally different person, like Dr. Jekel & Mr. Hyde. Please help!
My husband and I have been through a lot. We both come from dark, abusive childhoods and have both been homeless at points. He’s been in the army and seen combat so clearly we are both emotionaly damaged and often times our issues can be traced to PTSD and we work it out.
We have been each other’s emotional support since we met and have had our ups ad downs and our downs and are probably worse than the average couple but we still work through them. We don’t let trouble sit ignored and wee have a very healthy relationship for the most part because of this good strong sense of comunication.
I should also mention I know this is a Christian site but I hope you can be willing to be open minded for my lifestyle. We are pagan and polyamorous. And it works for us so jealously is rare but when it does happen we take care of it by being honest and communicating.
The distance. We have been broke, like under the poverty line since we have been together. But he just came into to a large sum of money that he won from a online game. The game lasted a month long and because of the prize I let him be and didn’t bother him or ask him to spend time with me. Of course I was here when he wanted me and I had no problems with the arrangement, my approved long distance boyfriend kept me company during this time.
But now the game is over. The prize is won. And all I want is to have his affection and attention, I want to have my husband and best friend back by my side. But he still won’t leave that computer. I’ve slept alone in my bed for the last 5 nights while he’s been in there playing his games. I’ve even politely asked him if he would be joining me last night (now it’s 6am) to bed and he said he had somthing he had to finish first. I went to bed hoping he’d join me eventually. Nope. Another night alone.
I’ve asked him if he wanted to just cuddle with me before I fell asleep. No. Seemed to feel his game was more important at that time. We haven’t had any arguments and we both always communicate how we feel. Right now I’m at a loss. It feels like he got his money and no longer needs me and is just throwing me away. It hurts and I’ve been good to him I do not deserve this treatment.
I treat him like a king. I cook him whatever he wants, I let him enjoy company of other women if he desires, I literally am willingly to be a servant bringing him, giving him anything he desires when he asks. All I’ve ever asked is to not feel alone. Is to be held, for my heart and my emotional wellbeing to be a priority that outranks any video game. But here sit in my room after waking alone. I just want a hug.. And I just want my husband back. I’m crying and he doesn’t even know.
So, my husband just shuts me out of all relationship talk. Like if I want to talk about us, or just being romantic or anything, he either sarcastically responds, doesn’t take me seriously, or never talks. I’ve been with him for 8 years and have had our fair share of major fights; both of us doing very stupid things, that we have managed to get over, and work through them.
I feel he resents me over the past. He isn’t really romantically evolved much, he will cuddle in bed at night, give me hugs and kisses on his terms, or when he is a good mood, (that is very rare). I am a very laid back person, though I do get emotional and cry a lot. I can’t really help that I am diagnosed with PDD, which he knows as he has manic depression.
However, I feel I understand him on most levels due to my anxiety in which I also have.
When we met, we talked all the time, and things were well to a point, unless he got angry over something, then he would shut down or take it out on me. I am a nice person so iI always let it slide and I try to give him a hug and tell him it’s okay. In most cases that angers him more, rather then calms him down.
(I normally am not the cause of him being angry, he gets impatient and annoyed if he can’t cross the street in time for example)
If he is in those moods, he becomes so annoyed and angry, he usually takes it out me, even if the day was just fine before. I feel as if he gets angry over little things too much of the time, while I have learned to tolerate and deal with his anger, I do try to give him space it still feels as if he needs it.
EVERYTHING romantically is gone, he has said twice he wanted a divorce but then took it back later and said he really doesn’t want one, which confused me. I told him strait forward if he wants me gone, I will go back to live with my parents whenever. He never seems to REALLY want me to leave and it’s only brought up if he’s having a terrible angry argument with me, and the topic gets extremely heated. This is rare and only has it been brought up twice in 2 years. Regardless I make him angry, and I can’t calm him down even if I give him space or if I hug him, I can’t make him happy; nothing I ever do satisfies him. I always do things wrong, like scooping butter wrong; he’s so OCD if I scoop it the wrong way, I shouldn’t do it that way and I should do it his way.
Romantically, we do have our romantic nights (you ladies and gentleman know what I mean) a few times a month, but otherwise it never happens; him making the first move is a never. It’s always me.
I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT TO DO. I’m going crazy but I love him and I don’t ever want to leave him. I do feel he does truly care but everything he is doing is driving me mad. He says he wants to be better about things, but never tries. Mind you I’m not saying, HUN YOU MUST DO THIS. I never do that. If he gets mad he apologizes on his own and says he shouldn’t of done that, and he wants to do better, on his own, without any input from me.