Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
I’ve read this article and this is my husband spot on. His idea of intimacy was self-release and no concern other than that. It’s a wonder we’ve been together 17 years. When our children were born, I thought he would be a great dad. As it turned out he’s only been a father who doesn’t involve himself with his son’s lives. It was me who diapered them, fed them, sat with them while they were sick.
Now they are nearly grown, he sees them as a tool to help with his activities. My husband is disabled, hence this is where our sons come into the picture. He’s a sports fanatic, and travels as often as he can to participate in disabled sports events. My sons come into play to help with his luggage and such, as I used to do until I just gave up. He’s so friendly and outgoing with his friends and sports contacts; he jokes with them and discloses his dreams and goals, but with myself and our sons, there is no such conversations. It’s like he is two different people in one body. Conversation between my husband and myself runs like this, “Honeee, can you; would you; get the boys to do…” Sure he is disabled, but he is not helpless. He does for himself perfectly well when traveling alone.
I too have fallen into the trap of the you did, you won’t, why can’t you… About a month ago before reading this, I decided to work on me, and stop with the you-you-you stuff as it never has, and never will get me anywhere, even though I’ve given my all to him, and he acknowledges that fact with an almost whiny ‘Thank you’ when I do things for him. I’ve realized he has been and still is using his disability and focus on sports as a way of avoiding any emotional dealings which makes things more simple for him, but leaves me extremely frustrated. If I focus on my happiness of mind and my relationship with our children, maybe he will get curious and actually start engaging with his family instead of seeking to hide himself away from the ones that love him the most.
Hi, I am married 8 years with a man who always says he loves me. He is faithful; he cares for me more than anything but he simply doesn’t ever satisfy my emotional needs. That lead us after all those years with me not sexually wanting him much… We still had sex and we had sex often, but for me it wasn’t much. I wasn’t chasing him, I was cold. I cannot chase a man who I don’t take back emotional satisfaction from. He doesn’t give me verbal attention at all.
Every time I want to show him something that I made, when I talk about things I am thinking, he’s always either tired or he cannot talk at the moment or he just listens and I feel like I’m talking to a wall, actually either talking to a wall or my husband–it is the same thing… And this is going on for many years, and he wasn’t always working. There were periods where he was unemployed, resting and he was doing the same thing always, ignoring me.
We went through really hard financial problems. We got over them, but he’s never emotionally feeding me the way I need. I’m a person who likes verbal compliments, who likes when he comes home to ask me how I’m doing, to ask me about my new work, to smile at me and give me a little attention. He NEVER does this. I’ve lost sexual interest completely.
So I caught him on a dating site… I saw all of his messages. He didn’t do anything, and there wasn’t any sexual messages at all but I was shocked. I thought I would get a heart attack. I was ready to divorce him and he was begging me, promising me he now understands my needs and will change and all that stuff. So I showed him that if I feel that I get attention I can be a very sexual person. So all day I was chasing him, and we had fun and then the next day he was back to his regular self. I tried to talk to him about my stuff, and he replied to me “I’m tired, can we talk later on” with his nasty way. He wasn’t like a loving person to tell me nicely, he was mean and reacted like I annoyed him.
Not only did I go through a shock few days ago seeing his profile on a dating site, not only did I cry for 2 days and I felt like my heart got ripped out, not only did I find the strength to forgive him and make a new start, he dared to tell me he is tired. When I complained about it, he just said, that I’m mean, I’m crazy, and that I should stop yelling and complaining.
But it’s not just that, I realize that I’m not happy in general. I’m not happy when someone treats me like I’m not important. I need a verbal and intellectual relationship. He only likes to work, have sex, have me be his porn woman that he learned watching from the age of 13 and that’s it. He thinks just because he works and he says sometimes he loves me is enough and I should be all over him. And the funny part is I work as well, and I work many hours and I am tired as well. I also have needs and sexual ones that he doesn’t satisfy for 8 years… but I didn’t want to make a profile on a dating site. I don’t go out seeking attention. I’m faithful. And I have talked to him about my needs more than once. He just chooses to ignore them. He says he will change, that I am right, that he feels he failed and he will make me happy and all that stuff and then boom, back to his old classical sarcastic ways like I annoy his talking to himself. I’m very upset, should I just finish this marriage?
I don’t want to have kids with someone who opens an account on a dating site and jeopardizes our relationship like that. He swears he did it just to get some attention and he would never go out with anyone. Lets say I believe this, still… what if a woman was giving him attention and then he goes out with her, and then what if this woman was one of those women who seduces a man, and takes all their money? I have also money in our bank account.
It’s not just the “cheating” factor. I’m a grown up and I will get over this. It is that he places himself on such a situation of being vulnerable and refuses to change himself, to give and in my turn to give back… he just really refuses to do such a thing and then he justifies his actions that it’s my fault.
I have a husband who is not here because he is working far away and now I want him to be with me at home and feel love together. But because of distance we cannot fulfill our daily love together. Help me out. He wants to drop work and come home but because of financial problems we will not cover all our expenditures if he is not working.
This is a really tough situation to be in. The best I can encourage you to do, is do the best you can under the circumstances and proactively work on changing them in the future. We have several articles in the “Assorted Marriage Issues” topic, which deals with the spouse being away. If you read and glean through them they will point out ways you can still stay in touch that is at least better than nothing. Look to see what will work for you.
We have a son and daughter in law and two grandkids that live on the other side of the world. We miss them terribly! We haven’t been with them for over a year and a half. But we’ve learned of different ways, such as Skyping and such that does at least help. It’s not the same as being able to hug and be together, but it’s better than nothing. The articles for you to read that I’m referring you to, give quite a few tips, which might help in different ways if you apply them.
And then if it’s possible, determine which of you needs to move to the town that the other is in the future. Try to get enough money together so that spouse can “visit” when it’s possible and spend the time applying for work in the area. Be creative; persevere and keep trying. Do what you can from a distance to find ways to stay close emotionally and do what you can to find a way so that eventually one of you can move geographically to be with each other physically. That seems to be the best you can do. Ask God to guide you in all of this to open the right doors as you seek Him and seek to do as He shows you. I hope this helps.
Before finding this site, I was thinking my husband was having an affair, although he doesn’t have any of the obvious signs. After reading this, Im sure he is emotionally detached and controlling. We have been married 27 years and he has never been one to talk about his feelings but everything was “ok” until I started making more money than him (for the last 5 yrs).
I take responsibility for potentially neglecting him while I furthered my career but what husband doesn’t want to have sex with his wife? Ok, I put on a few pounds over the years and have recently lost 20 of the 35 but still he has no desire. We went 6 months without any intimacy recently and then only because I initiated it. When I tried to talk to him about it he said I’m controlling and judgmental and he feels like he is walking on pins and needles around me.
We are trying to have more open discussions about each other’s needs but so far we haven’t seen any positive results from these conversation. It doesn’t help that I travel every other week for work. I think the biggest issue is the money (again he has no symptoms of an affair, no unexplained spending, absences, change in schedules –even when I am gone), no change in appearance, cell usage etc (and I have checked them all and since we have cameras on all of our entries, I know when he leaves, gets home and who comes over).
I think the money issue makes him feel less of a man and because I’m quite independent. I assume he thinks I don’t need him for anything so the one thing he can offer, he controls –intimacy! Yes, lonely in the United States, he won’t go to counseling so I’m considering separation. Our one child is grown and gone. These are supposed to be the “happy times” with bills paid and nothing but possibilities… go figure. We make it 27 years and then my husband turns into a roommate.
Although I have read all this and there are many positive points it makes me feel as if I should quit while I’m still sane. My husband was amazing when we first met then he became abusive controlling and a brut of sorts. He has never taken responsibility for the cruel things he did to me. He is no longer abusive but fits the profile of the man described in this article to a T.
I have tried everything including acting as if nothing is ever wrong, ignoring, doting, seeing to his every whim, talking, showing all/no emotion and none of it has worked. We are now so disconnected that I feel as if we just co habitate. He has told me that there is a huge rift between us and he wishes we could be close like when we met, that time of our lives feels to me as if it were a dream, some sort of fantasy, as if it had never been a reality. He finds fault in everything I do and don’t do. He refuses to go to counseling and refuses to split. I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. He seems to all family and friends the perfect partner and even cares for his ex more then I would like but towards me he is cold as ice, hard and frankly killing every ounce of love I have left.
I feel related in every point you made in this article. I’m married for five years and I have two young children. Now, I’d like to know what to do to save my marriage because most of the time I’m in a desperate place on the edge of depression for not knowing what to do. Thanks.
This is almost what is happening to me and my wife at the moment. An eye opener for me. I assumed that I was doing everything for my wife but I think I now realise that I’m becoming evasive. It’s just 3 years since we’re married. I really would like to be what my wife wants me to be but it’s a battle for me to deal with emotions. She is way too emotional and I think I’m like a rock (without emotions). Thanks for this post. I see things a bit differently now.
I been married for 10 years, and we have had our promblems. An the beginning it was really good, like a honeymoon stage. We go to a really good church. The pastor has talked to both of us, and my husband has backslidden and has done some awful things. We have three children. This is my first time being married. I forgive him but really now I just want out. I’m trying to make it work but my husband had a bad childhood. My husband needs to go to couesling, or I said I would leave. But he is not a person to talk about his problems. I just thought if he could talk about things to a complete stranger. I don’t believe in him needing depression pills. He hard worked. I have no job, but I’m going to school, just seems like he changed. He runs to his family. They are such bad a influence, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I don’t know what to say except I’m at my wits end. My fiancé (not married yet) although together 6 years is an emotional robot. I’ve spent so long trying to change him that I’ve pushed him further away. He says he loves me and we will be fine if we can judt relax, watch tv, talk about normal things instead of all these long conversations about “US” and how to improve “US”… If it weren’t for my son and the fact I have no family or friends to turn to I think I would walk. As much as I love him I think I would. He is totally shut off from me now. Maybe he doesn’t love me he just doesn’t have the guts to admit it. Lucy xxx
I can so relate to this. After 12 years of living with an evasive bf, I’ve given up on changing his behavior and started the process of healing myself and getting financially stable enough to move on. Do I love him? Yes, absolutely, always will. But it’s painfully obvious that he has no capacity or desire to be in an adult relationship. He has so many ego issues, on top of lack of motivation to be successful.
There is a time you have to face facts. You can’t change people to be emotionally connected. Truthfully, I didn’t expect that as much as I expected him to be a provider and protector. He gets sick enjoyment out of watching me be in that role. Then when people are watching, he’ll act as if he’s the one. I used to keep my mouth shut and allow him to take credit. Not anymore! While I’m careful not to humiliate him, I don’t cover for his evasive behavior. I point it out when he does it, and ask him point blank if he enjoys having people make decisions for him? I’ve also stopped doing his basic living stuff, like cooking and laundry, unless he asks, and says thank you. He actually tried to “punish” me by not eating the lunches I packed for him. I stopped buying food altogether! You can’t be bullied or “punished” by these types unless you allow it. And when I’m ready to leave, and he asks why, I’ll sit him down and let him read this. Men have no excuses to act ignorant about why they can’t have healthy relationships with the internet available.
I too have been in a relationship with an emotionally detached boyfriend. I’ve cried, screamed, left, came back you name it. But it only changed when I stopped talking and making plans/threats. One day I finally found strength and wisdom. I didn’t have immediate plans, but I had determination. I stopped just talking and made a real statement. My body language and demeanour all changed to. First of all, I called it like it was. I explained that we were having an unemotionally detached relationship. I apologized for taking it personally before, which I had. I further explained that I had matured and grown to realize that the emotional detachment had nothing to do with me. The emotional detachment was something that was a part of him before he even knew me.
I explain that I loved him – which I honestly do, but that we had to make changes. I was careful in not saying “you.” In addition, I said and meant that if we didn’t work on this then I would be making changes on my own. You see I had finally realized that my happiness nor self worth was a reflection on me. When I was rejected emotionally over and over, it didn’t mean I was unloveable, not beautiful, unworthy. Before this moment I believed those things and it made the pain worse and our relationship more out of control.
So with true confidence (I don’t know where I found it) I stated my worth and value along with the problem of his being unemotional. I apologized again and said I can’t be with someone that doesn’t make me feel like I’m the most important and the most beautiful person in the world. You see everyone deserves that one person that can make them feel that way. You are the most important person in my life along with being the best looking. However, you failed to make me feel important, loved and protected. These are the basic needs of a woman and it’s tragic that you failed me.
Needless to say I got a response. Finally a real response. He said, “well I guess I’m going to have to work on that.” I didn’t say anything this time. Roles are reversed. After wait time he said I guess actions speak louder than my weak words! Maybe – just maybe – he is getting it. For his sake I hope so! This girl has found strength and the only way to keep me is to make me feel like the most important and beautiful woman in the world!
I’ve been married for nearly 35 years. In the early years I recognized that something critical was missing from our relationship (I couldn’t identify it). As time went on, we started a business and raised a family. That “something that was missing” got worst and began to show itself in a lack of true intimacy in our marriage. I didn’t realize for many years, that what I was actually dealing with was a man so fearful of emotional connection that he’d go to any extreme to avoid it. Not knowing that, I played into the role that if this way didn’t work, try something else. We went to several counselors, nothing helped. He was willing to go but not willing to do the work. It all just looked good as long as he could say “Well, I trrrried”. I nearly drove myself crazy, like a mad woman, trying to connect to this person.
I’m fully aware that it was not all him. Of course, many times I could have responded differently, with less intensity or directness as that is what still deflates him.
Several times I’ve thought of leaving, a few times I’ve actually packed my bags and walked out the door, only to turn around and come back. I blamed myself: if only I was… fill in the blanks.
Then, one day I STOPPED. Just STOPPED. I decided I would do NOTHING to make this relationship better. I would only work on myself and try to find the joy, the good. Even though I made this decision, it hasn’t been easy. In fact, it has been harder than anything I’ve ever done in my life. Why? Because I can’t imagine how anyone can live on such a detached, non-reflective level. Just can’t imagine it. It really isn’t living to me. And it is really difficult not being able to connect to this person that supposedly should be one of the most important in my life.
I cannot seem to detach enough to get rid of the anger. It still surfaces too easily. Like tonight, when he wants to watch boxing instead of going out for dinner… a time to connect. I don’t feel like fixing dinner so I won’t be. If there was someway I could feel good about it, I would go out by myself but that would only make me feel worse.
And then, though I consider myself a very moral person and a Christian, I’ve come to realize that given the right situation and right person, I could become intimately involved while being married. I don’t care a bit about the sexual, I’m starved for male/female bonding. And I’m also convinced that while God wouldn’t be in favor of this, but I think he would have some understanding and forgiveness for me. After all, didn’t he create women to bring intimacy to men and the world? His intimacy? But, lucky for me, God so far has protected me from any encounters that I might be vulnerable to.
What bothers me the most is that he gives NO INDICATION that he cares, that he even thinks or considers any of this. Like I am not on his radar screen.
I can’t bear the thought of separating my family, even though they’re all adults. What about my precious little grandchildren. So I think there must be some redeeming value in that.
I don’t believe that Christian marriage is necessarily forever. I think we have to consider who we’re affecting along the way if we divorce as divorce is not just about us but those around us.
A few years ago my daughter was in a similar situation. Married for 10 years, they had no children but it was a very controlling relationship. When she decided that if she stayed she would “be a shell of a person” I knew exactly what she was talking about. I supported her decision. Not having children and being involved in a relationship that didn’t give any indication of real improvement, I didn’t want her to go through what I had for the rest of her life. Since she left the marriage, her own life has flowered in ways she couldn’t have imagined and in ways it certainly couldn’t have.
So I came across this website accidentally as I was trying to calm myself. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express myself. It has helped. Living this way is sometimes too much to bear. However, it isn’t played out yet and I am determined that I will not let it destroy me. -Patti
Oh goodness, you could have been talking about me! 30 years of a hard, hard, emotionally isolated life. Yes, “something was missing” right from the start. I never could describe what that something was, other than the innate knowledge that I was not understood, that I played a role but the “true me” was irrelevant to him. Like you, I didn’t understand what was going on, blamed myself for being an emotional basket case, the crazy one!
Every one sees me as the crazy one, my kids especially. They’re adults now, but their avoidant and conflict adverse father played good cop/bad cop. Guess who I was? My kids are naturally are going to be on good terms with the person who doesn’t hassle them, correct them, guide them etc.
In short, he lets them get away with murder but the kind that I won’t let them so he uses me as his tool, knowing I’m invested in my children’s future and have their best interests at heart. He is too of course, but he has his best interest at heart, as well. My relationship with my kids has suffered so much because of it. That is by far my biggest resentment I carry towards him.
I also resent the self loathing that comes along with being the wife/partner of this kind of man. It’s one thing to be loathed by another but my deepest dislike has been from me. This kind of relationship confirms daily that you’re not worthy of emotional time and effort. He doesn’t value me I must not be of value.
The anger, frustration and rage of not being able to “get through” has been been destructive to both my mental and physical health, that I resort to histrionics in an effort to connect leaves me so debilitated, drained of energy and hope. He doesn’t talk for weeks at a time …WEEKS (but according to him, we don’t have a problem marriage).
I can potentially be a violent person because of the frustration. It terrifies me. I’m not sure I can trust myself. It’s all too hard; I’m afraid. And like you, he tried counseling so he can say he tried (very invested in being the good guy, the reasonable guy), but in reality he puts no effort in at all. It’s all hocus pocus! I can’t believe that he isn’t interested in personal growth and evolution! No, he’s Peter Perfect, as he is!
I have made the decision to leave and I am so looking forward to salvaging what is left of me. To actually feel self worth and value. To like who I am. To actually think I am a half decent person!
What about a spouse with mild Aspergers? Is it hopeless then, save a miracle?
I read this article and have read through a lot of the comments. I too am married and feel like my husband is disconnected from the relationship. One thing that struck me as I was reading the article and relating to most of the other woman’s comments. What I see is a lot of over functioning.
Hypothetical: what if we stopped carrying the entire relationship? I am tired and tired of trying to make conversation, initiate sex, make plans, make dinner, do laundry , etc., while receiving barley anything back. I am going to try to relax and give 50% of this to my husband. Let’s see if he takes it.
I have been married for 30 years and it never will get better. Get out if you can. My husband just told me that if I have a major illness “that is what euthanasia is for.” In other words, If I get really sick, I should kill myself rather than spend family money. I don’t want to kill myself.
Oh wow, this describes my marriage perfectly. Word for word. My husband refuses to work, to cook, to clean, to do ANYTHING. All he does is play World of Warcraft. I was depressed for a while, a long while, but for the sake of the kids I got things together. I pay the bills, I clean the house, I play with the kids, I go to college. Sometimes it hurts because I don’t want this marriage but I don’t think there is any way out, because he would just fight me for the kids to try to get me to pay support (this happened already when I tried to leave him; we had joint custody and I had to pay HIM support because he was getting assistance and I was working -_- ).
Anyway, I’m sad that I have to live without intimacy from my husband. I’m sad that I have to live without any kind of help from him and sad that his kids don’t have a decent man to look up to. He was not like this before we got married but became like this the minute we moved in together. It was such a shock, I cried myself to sleep every night because it felt like the man I fell in love with had died and gone and was replaced with an evil clone who wanted nothing to do with me.
I try not to let him see me cry because he just makes fun of me. He never takes any responsibility for anything and laughs at me that he’s able to convince people that things are MY fault. So, whatever, I just take care of things by myself now. I cook dinner and he won’t even eat with the family, he has to have his food served to him at his computer. He plays his game all night, sleeps nearly all day, wakes up and gets right back on his game. He never takes a day off. Not even birthdays and holidays. I can’t even find someone else because despite my suffering I don’t believe in cheating. I wish he realized he was lucky but he is convinced his life is so horrible.
I tried to read this article to him and he turned up the speakers on his headphones so he couldn’t hear me, then made a comment about how he isn’t the problem and that I just have “mental disabilities” that cause me to be too emotional. I wish I could stop feeling so much for him because it would be much nicer not to be upset that I can’t even talk to my husband without him plugging his ears or turning up the radio or his game. I’m angry, I’m sad, and I’m frustrated. At least I’m productive and keeping the kids healthy and happy, which helps me to cope with the hurt feelings.
Veronica, You can’t keep living like this. You will turn into a bitter old woman that will cause problems on so many levels. Plus, your husband is modeling how a man should treat his wife for your children to see. That’s not good at all. Please call the ministry of Focus on the Family (which you can find on their web site at http://www.focusonthefamily.com) to get some immediate advice on what to do about this and then see if they can refer you to someone who can help you work out a good game plan on this whole messed up lifestyle your husband is inflicting upon you. Somehow, your husband needs to be stirred into doing what is right –for you, your children AND himself. He can pretend to feel good about himself, but there’s no way –it’s all an illusion, just like his video games.
I can tell you one thing, for sure, you (nor anyone else) should not “serve” him his food at the computer. Have the food available at the table, which he can eat if he joins you and the children. As far as his sleeping all day… if you are home, the rule is that everyone is up and active during the day. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave until he can grow up and join the family like a husband and father should. It sounds like you need a good counselor to help you figure out how to put proper boundaries down to shake up his world a bit to get him to move off of his butt, and get active in life again. He has a serious addiction to gaming. He needs help and so do you …and the children need parents in the home that invest their time in spending time with each other and with them, not into playing games. Please see if Focus on the Family can help you to get into a better place to figure this out. This cannot keep going on as it is. It’s unhealthy for everyone.
Wow!!! This is my husband to the “T”. I’m so glad that I can relate somewhere since talking to him is pointless. Well, I decided to just give up. I’m giving him a copy of this article to shed some light for him, but on my end I’m done. Even if he gets it I refuse to talk to him anymore. I’m just going to concentrate on making myself and my kids happy.