Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
I found this article very helpful. I have noticed some of the following in my marriage but did not quite have the words to describe what was happening. Thank you for sharing your insights.
This above information helps me a lot. Thanks so much!
I pulled away from my wife for self-protection, initially. I’m by no means proud of what I did, but my story may help some of you, and help you to avoid a divorce (which I’m now going through).
Our daughter died in an accident 3 years ago. My wife started exploding at me each time I told her of anything I was doing regarding taking care of our deceased daughter’s affairs, such as talking to the police, the coroner, the funeral director, probate court, the tombstone maker, creating a memorial web site, etc. I felt like she was flogging the cross bearer. I was silent for a while, but eventually, I asked her to stop shooting the messenger.
Eventually I learned that if I told her nothing about what I was doing regarding her daughter, I wouldn’t get yelled at, and I pulled back. After a few months, I told her I was avoiding her because of her reactions and negativity, and suggested that we get marriage counseling. She refused, which only upset me more and pushed me further away. I was trained by her that if I came to her to discuss any problem, such as determining the best way to pay for one of our surviving kids’ college education and received an immediate negative response (which became normal for her), I pulled back, said nothing more, and took care of the problem myself.
Each time I took care of a problem on my own, I became resentful, and it built up. I became angry, closed myself off to her, and at times, yelled back at her. I’m not proud of that, but bear in mind, I was in excruciating pain from the loss of my daughter, as well.
My wife filed for divorce 6 months ago and has left the area, leaving me with the kids (with whom she now has almost no contact -she hasn’t seen them since she left, nor has she called them). This could have been avoided, I think, had we gone to counseling after three months.
Please try to nip the problem in the bud, rather than wait until steam has built up to an overwhelming level.
The other comment is that people generally pull away when their needs are not being met, or when they don’t feel safe to be with the other person. I felt neither safe (who wants to get exploded at when you tell the person you’re closest to what the coroner said about your daughter’s death?) nor that my needs were being met (I was looking for solace; instead, I was flogged). Eventually, I met fire with fire (I’m not guilt-free here), and our 26-year marriage is over.
This article is the most insightful article I have read about my current relationship. I don’t wish to label my husband, but how you describe an evasive person is him to a T and knowing this I believe will help me try and overcome our major issues. I am now going to buy the books you recommend. Thank you.
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. Both of us had been married before and brought two 4 year old children into the marriage. The first 18 years were rocky due to the ex- wife still having some control over my husband since she had control over their son. I thought that if we made it through those stressful years that we would have it licked! NOT.
We purchased the family farm (his grandparent’s home) from his Dad in 2007. His parents live on 2 acres of the property that they kept. During the years that the grandparents lived, my husband’s father (their only child) had the run of the place and the barn and used their money to fund his love of horses. We allow him to pasture his 3 horses on the farm still and we use the other 90 acres for our cattle.
The problem we’re having now is that my husband allows his parents to use our barn for his horses and they destroy it. We built it ourselves and put many hard hours into doing it (no help from the parents). He also provides hay for his dad’s horses that we have grown, cut and baled and hired someone to help us put it in the barn. I feel that since this is a hobby for his parents that they should either be able to fund all aspects of it or stop it. We own our business, have adult children on their own and one in college and we don’t provide money for their hobbies nor do we have any hobbies of our own since we are so busy with work.
I love my in-laws and would give them anything they truly need but I just feel this is wrong on the part of my husband, especially when he’ll say he agrees with me but then gives them things anyway behind my back. Am I wrong in my beliefs as a wife???
Hello, what can I do? My husband was in the Army. We were together since 1991. He just ran away. I didn’t know about the stuff he did. I love my husband, even with this. I got the Army to help me BACK to Germany not been alone. Now my husband has got too many Facebook friends. I know of at least one false name and birthday. He contact the ones with love you, miss you. I asked him, why do you run away like this? He ran and left his birth certificate, all clothing, and all. I had no ideal before he ran that there were love notes, letters with, you are my wife, all best thing ever. Why is this happening to me?
All I know is he goes from woman to woman, making Facebook sex, so far always after a month posts to marry her. Most last 3-4 months. He saying he likes the rich, promises them money, all while we are STILL married. We have been together since 1991, married in 1993. He uses different Facebook names. What can I do?
In July he contacted me. We had a good talk. He was in Illinois. We talked again at the end of August. Then he blocked me again and has a woman in Missouri lives with HER, now was about to come for Christmas then, from no where, there was a woman he loved forever in Louisiana. Now it is February and friends say he’s on Facebook saying he’s engaged to HER. What can I do?
Dear Petra, I’m so sorry that I don’t understand all of your comment (there is a language barrier … I tried to edit what you wrote so I could get a better understanding, and others can too, but even so, I’m not sure exactly what you’re writing… sorry… in reality though, I couldn’t even do as good as you did if I was writing in German). But from the best I can perceive, I believe what you are trying to say is that your husband appears to be leading a double life. He is married to you, although he “ran away,” and yet he seems to be friends with –actually, TOO friendly with contacts he makes on Facebook and such.
You ask what to do. Truthfully, I’m not sure. I wish I did. I do know that you can’t MAKE someone participate in a marriage if they lie, run away, and fool around with other women –whether he does this in real life, or on Facebook and through emails. You can only do so much with a “partner” like that. From what I read, I can well understand why this is confusing for you and hurtful. He is acting like he isn’t even married.
I’m glad you had a “good talk” in July. But marriage is more than having a “good talk” once in a while. Eventually, he needs to do more than talk to you occasionally, making empty promises. He needs to be open, honest, and not lead a double life –one you see, and one you hear about or know about in some way. Only you know how long you can go on like this. You have already appeared to be very patient. Most spouses couldn’t even be this patient.
But all I can tell you, since this is a Christian web site, is to pray about what you should do. Pray that God reveals truth to you, and takes that, which is in the dark, out into the open, so you will better know what you are dealing with. You can read through the articles and “quotes” we have posted in the “Facebook and Twitter Archive” topic. We have several that tell of the boundaries you should put up within your marriage so spouses DON’T get into the mess you are writing about. And then, when you believe it’s the best time to do this (if you can find your husband, even), talk to him about joining you in the marriage again. IF he does, then you will have to agree together on certain rules that will have to be put into place to better protect your marriage in the future.
I realize that your husband will probably not want to do this. He appears to want things to go his way, and ignores how this makes you feel. But you can’t automatically assume that your husband WON’T respond to entering back into your marriage –proceeding in a healthy direction. Sometimes the last thing you think will happen is what actually does… especially when you work together with the Lord on these types of marriage issues. Yes, your husband has a free will, given to him by God, but he just may surprise you… especially as God talks to him. Maybe yes he will do the right thing, maybe no… but you never know… you can just assume.
I wish I could give you more of an answer than this. I can’t tell you whether or not your marriage will survive this. If it does, though, it will be because you both decide to do some brave things, which may not make sense to others (or yourselves), but you know it is the right thing to do. I hope that you will seek wisdom from the Lord, and pray that you are given the wisdom you best need to resolve this entire matter of what is going on between you and your husband. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.” (Philippians 1:9-10)
My marriage is fading. My husband lost all integrity with me after three years of marriage. In his emotional distancing, he pulled every emotional manipulation that’s been labeled and it went as far as giving me no voice. There was literally no acknowledgement of anything I said. Oh, and it came after the stonewalling, lying, obfuscations, promises never kept, and other things led us to counseling. There he pretended involvement but later admitted he wasn’t taking it seriously.
I’ve held hopes that all the promises he made to improve our communication and to become emotionally intimate were actual commitments. I saw his past, his childhood and his adulthood issues that stood in a way towards trust. He has a horrible family history. His father is a narcissist, extreme chauvinist and misogynyst who ruled with an iron fist. His father sees his male children as legacy to train in these values and my husband is well conditioned in the fears such upbringing creates. His father has twenty children by many different women and births were often close together. His mother escaped by self-medicating. The daughters were chattel. Oh, and on top of all this my in law is a hoarder, and my husband was the guard dog of a very impressive trash pile of very large items like old buses, campers, trucks, cars on a property where we now live.
All this was not quite clear from the start. When I became pregnant and we started to clean the property to have a healthy place for our baby girl (she is two now) things started to unfold that called for some serious resolutions. First off, I realized the extent of catering my husband was doing for his father and siblings. Whatever was happening in the moment they called, he dropped it and ran to them. I began to question his loyalty after he exploded on me when I shared with him the mean words his sister told me at the hospital the day after I gave birth to our daughter. At my insistence to resolve this issue, he eventually cut contact with this sister and recently did the same with his father. I didn’t want that; I wanted him to address his issues and grow.
Of course his way of dealing with these people only fueled the self-pity party and his defenses more. Our counseling basically ended with the counselor telling us not to come back until hubby reaches out to siblings who have dealt successfully with father’s abuse. He never did, and we haven’t been back to counseling. Husband made a show to look like he is dealing though–went to a counselor twice but the unproductive sessions left him justified in not pursuing this road.
I’ve never met as numb of a person as my husband. He is cruel emotionally. He says he ‘sees’ my anguish and yet keeps doing behaviors that create more and more pain. I think he may be a psychopath. At this point I am so torn because I see someone who has suffered so much but at the same time it is someone who refuses to be accountable for what he does and be responsible for himself. The power trips are over the top.
I also am a child of a narcissistic mother. I’ve dealt with my own issues, and still do of course. I choose to live a wholehearted approach to life, I believe this to be healthiest for me and my children. I am failing to in my patience to see my husband grow, or even grow up. I offered all I have, my love, my body, my money, my support, my spirit. What I get back is the emotional fists flying and pushing back. Giving him room has been there, yet he is so stuck in his past and his self pitying, that all he wants is a shallow existence.
Help! I am beginning to feel so resentful… so hopeless. He is helpful with our daughter, and some things manly enough at home (we live off grid so there are a few extra chores to that he does willingly), but all else is futile.
Relationships are very hard. My advice to women is to be your own best friend and develop yourself. You have no control over anyone else. I too am lonely in marriage but I pray and journal a lot. I have a few girlfriends but I’ve stopped venting to them about my marriage. I accept it is what it is. I’m not happy but I’m being faithful and sticking it out.
Personally, I think some not all, men are emotionlly lazy. Before we were married he was all excited about me, loved to talk to me. Now he doesn’t listen. A wife ends up feeling just like a sex object if she isn’t treated like a lady. We need conversation! Don’t call us needy. Jesus listens to me so why should my husband not? Anyway, I could rant about this. I have this incredible mind and no one who wants to have real deep conversations! It’s sad. So I am my best friend. God is my number one. I’ve stuck it out through a lot of crap. I think a real man would examine himself and make changes. But if you look at this thread most women are the ones who talk about the marriage. It’s like the guys have checked out and just don’t care.
This is my husband and me. We’ve been married 10 years and have 4 kids. He will not pitch in when I need him to, he says I ask too much of him, but I do everything! I even put my back out cleaning, and moving boxes, and he never once offered to help.
I asked him for a back massage as I was in so much pain. I dreaded his response. He said, you woke me up for that? It was 9:30 am on a Sat. I cried, because it hurt emotionally and physically. I ask if he cares, and he says he doesn’t care about anything. He says he doesn’t care about what is important to me, as it isn’t to him. He will not go for counseling. He is wonderful with the kids, but neglects me in so many ways emotionally.
I have gently asked him and lovingly explained my needs, but he just rejects me. I hate having sex with him as I feel used and need emotional intimacy. He says he works hard and is tired too, and tunes me out with tv, computer, and the phone. I remind him kindly that I am just as in need of a break as I’m home all day, working from home, plus cleaning, cooking, raising 4 kids under 9, plus working part time teaching and 12 hours curriculum prepping.
I rarely get 5 hours sleep. He just says it is my biblical role and reminds me of how women in his country, Mexico get it all done and still have time to visit and watch soaps. He thinks I do not work hard enough when I ask for his help. I need advice, what do I do? I’m exhausted, drained, and lonely.
Can you separate possibly and love on your own for awhile (not divorce), but maybe then he’ll get a serious wake up call and realize something has to change in HIM or you’re out! It sounds like he uses the Bible as an excuse to keep a woman in slavery. He seemingly has zero value of what a REAL BIBLICAL MARRIAGE IS and clearly no clue what love is either! My prayers are with you!
A friend sent me this article and I feel compelled to respond. Almost all of this has been my life for the past 10 years of my almost 20 year marriage (we have a 13 year old son). My husband has been emotionally distant and I have tried everything to save our relationship. We were even scheduled to go to a marriage counselor this month. But the weekend before the retreat he asked me to meet him for drinks (which was odd so I knew something was up) and told me in a public place that he had retained an attorney and was divorcing me.
I’ve since found out that he has been in a relationship with another woman since at least February. They talk and text until the wee hours of the morning. He spends his free time taking her out or (or sleeping with her) when I could barely get him to go to dinner with me. It was always “we don’t have the money.” And intimacy just didn’t happen. Either he acted uninterested or I pulled away because I felt used.
My son and I are devastated and he walks around now like he’s the happiest man on earth while he lies about the date of our separation so he won’t have to pay as much alimony. It’s making me so angry that this other person is now getting all the attention that I’ve spent the last 10 years almost begging for. He has turned into the man he swore he detested. The level of underhandedness is unreal. I feel like I am in a bad Lifetime Movie. I’m now 50 years old watching my husband take up with a 38 year old woman. The wife that was there through the lean years, that put furthering my education on hold while I raised our son and helped him further his career. Now when things are finally comfortable he is ripping the rug from under my son and I.
Many many times I thought of leaving, talked about leaving but was afraid of the financial consequences. I say to anyone that is in this situation ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON’T HAVE CHILDREN YET and you’ve tried, stop trying. Judging by my own experience and the comments I’ve read it won’t change. You’ll just end up emotionally scared, bitter, and angry. I now I’m left wondering when the dust settles where will my son and I end up while trying to take care of my sons emotional health. ANY comments, life experiences are welcome.
My husband is very stubborn. You can’t argue with him. He walks away. He thinks he is always right. He gets mad if I prove him wrong, or tries to say that wasn’t what he meant or said. He is competitive and a poor loser. We’ve been having conflict more and more often.
Here’s an example of how he gets mad. He told me that after work he was going to Baldwin about 15/20 minutes away, and wasn’t staying long. Based on past experiences, I thought I knew where he was going in Baldwin, and thought he would be home within an hour. When I thought he was about an hour late I called him. He didn’t answer. About 10 minutes later I called again. I was worried something might have happened to him. When he answered I asked if he was on his way home (I was keeping food warm for him). He got mad and said why are you calling, this us the second time you called.
He mentioned two names and I immediately realized he wasn’t where I thought he was, he was at a funeral home. Since he was being nasty to me, I hung up. Then I texted telling him I had no idea he was at the funeral home in Baldwin. I told him where I thought he was and that was why I was worried that something had happened to him. He responded with some snotty remark saying he didn’t leave work as early as planned, and that he told me he was going to Baldwin. He neglected to mention he was going to the funeral home in Baldwin. He never admits he was wrong, nor says he is sorry. When he did get home. he took the food I cooked for him, went down to the basement (away from me) without a word to me. The old silent treatment.
This type of thing happens over and over. I’m tired of trying to figure out what I did wrong. I think he was mad because I called him. I’m not sure and won’t ever know because he won’t talk about it. Any time I try to talk calmly to him about anything he doesn’t want to talk about, he gets angry. He also gets mad at me for being mad at him. I’m at the end of my rope with these petty unimportant arguments and am ready to have him leave. I wonder if there is something wrong though, mentally, because he does have times when he is sweet and lovable. And, no sex for us in over three years. his choice.
This is the first article/book that I’ve read that truly describes what I’ve been living with for 37 years. It’s written in a way that I totally felt like someone really understood my situation. I clung to each word in the article like a life raft. And as I read through the comments made by mostly other women in similar situations, I finally hit the one that reflected pretty nearly my every thought and feeling. Patti from the United States described my life to a tea!
I fell in love with a man that put forth, at first, a wonderful presence. After we got married we began to have some health difficultities that created much stress, but we got through them. But I began to notice that something major was missing in our relationship. And being young I could not put my finger on it. After all, my husband seemed very sweet, went to work everyday, never said an unkind word, was always very helpful, did things for me all of the time, etc. How could I complain about anything? And I felt so guilty that I had these other feelings of lonliness.
As time went on and we started having children it continued to get worse. I am or at least I was, a very positive joyful person. It was why my husband married me, according to him. But eventually things deteriorated. Early in our marriage I started to freak out internally. Under my breath I would call him the nowhere man. He was literally not available emotionally at all. It was like he disappeared completely! Now mind you, he never yelled, always went to work, never had an affair, was seemingly perfect! Sometimes I wanted him to yell or get angry or something to show me he had feelings, any feelings!
It has now progressed over the years to where I have finally after many years of pleading decided, and so painfully, to tell him that maybe we should just be friends and let go of the marriage part of the relationship. What shocked me most was his instant agreement without any emotional attachment whatsoever. I know he cares for me, but what is showing up is what the above article is clearly saying. I am a poster woman for this article. My husband and I are described so accurately above that it scares me! I feel so sad inside that we women care so much for our husbands and yet we are not considered in what our needs are in the relationship. I’ve given him everything he wants and he still can’t see it. Now I’ve let him off the hook, am no longer going to ask to be emotionally connected with him and he seems to instantly be happier in the last few hours than in all of our 37 years of marriage! The pain is running deep inside of me.
I’m going to keep growing myself and letting go of my dear poor husband. We could have had so much fun together if he wasn’t so afraid of what he thought might happen to him if he shared his emotional life with me. At first I found myself feeling despair. But now I’ve decided to love life like I used to so that I don’t become a bitter old woman. I hope I can recover after all these years of being emotionally abandoned and alone. I want to thank everyone who has written a response and have told their story. I thought I was all alone in this particular situation. Now I know I am not and that helps tremendously.
I truly Identify with your post and feel the same loss of many years of sacrifice to a marriage that has been very one sided emotionally. I’m saddened to read that so many other women also suffer the same. I also find it disheartening that it seems to be so prevalent in so many marriages, and wonder why this disparity is connected to so many men and that it continues to cause such heartache with women. When will they get it?
I have a son and have tried to raise him with a respect and intuition towards the needs and care of others… especially towards the woman he will someday marry and not be afraid to be vulnerable to her, nor to hold back his feelings and emotions when relating to the bond that is necessary when it come to her needs and feelings. It isn’t a giving up of self but a giving of self, to another in order to solidify and connect with someone they care deeply for; and will be returned in kind.
I think that is where it starts…with family. Both mother and father and others in that “tribe” that are role models for the betterment of what the husband/father figure will be and the role that a man must portray for the marriage and the children that will benefit from that as well, for the future understanding of how their progeny will follow in those footsteps as well. We, as parents, have a responsibility to end and redirect this problem that seems to be never ending. Men need to be brought up with a more open and empathetic heart towards others, without the labels that imply weakness to their manhood. But instead, that it supports it and makes them more of a man…
How are you coping a year later?
I’ve been going out of my mind silently lately. I thought this site was outdated so I’m elated to find that some of the posts are so recent!!! I’ve been married for 6 years and am pregnant with my second child. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. He was emotionally connected to me for about a month and a half (when we started dating) and then withdrew. There was always a reason. And I honestly believed it would improve. Our wedding day was not a happy one even though everything was beautiful, simply because we were more disconnected from each other than ever before. He has a very big temper so if I insisted on intimacy he would explode.
Long story short, my husband ALWAYS works. He claims he does it for us. But I never physically see the money. He does spend it on our bond and car payments but I have no say on our financial future. I pay all our other expenses, bond payment (he pays the extra that we pay in on our bond), utilities, daycare, rates and taxes, etc. Even my bonus and overtime money I must pay over to him. So first excuse is work. Then the stress of our engagement was a reason, then the stress of paying for our wedding, then the stress of buying a house, stress of buying new car, stress of first pregnancy, stress of buying second house etc etc.
When I speak to him he will literally pretend not to hear me. If he does have a day off, his first priority will be to go to the gym for 2 hrs. He insists on gyming 7 times a week, leaving me to care for our son at all times. I’m also expected to have his food ready and plated when he arrives home. It MUST be on a plate otherwise it doesn’t count that I’ve made it. And the dishes MUST be washed. I also work full time but because I am the wife food and children are my responsibility.
We won’t have sex unless I initiate it. He gets angry at me if I don’t initiate it. He is also only concerned with personal satisfaction. It doesn’t feel like we are connected at all during these times. When I was pregnant with my first child we didn’t have sex for more than a year. After the birth my son was a weeks old and my husband started saying he wants a divorce because I wasn’t attractive anymore and wasn’t giving him enough attention.
He was abusive in the sense of shouting and screaming at me and physically restraining me from getting to my son when I tried to leave to get away from the screaming. He would hit the walls with his fists and turn over furniture right next to where our baby was sitting on the floor. I moved out because talking to him and being kind didn’t help. We went for counselling. He blamed me for making him feel this way. After two months my son and I moved back. He said that he actually didn’t mind the time he lived on his own. But I tried again.
Things were better in the sense he stopped throwing furniture over and shouted at me less. But he was still basically ignoring me in our relationship. My current problem is that since we found out that I am expecting, my husband has withdrawn completely. He won’t hug or touch me. He’s touched my stomach once because I made him and I’m six months already. I lie in bed crying at night because I so desperately long for his attention and affection. I’ve tried to initiate it, he tells me then that we decided to wait till after our baby is born. I’ve told him in as many words that I long for him to just hold me or hug me. He simply turns his back on me and doesn’t even answer. I try to be strong and not to need to be loved and supported in this pregnancy but I’m failing.
I haven’t told anyone because it’s so embarrassing trying to explain that you must beg your husband for love. But I feel like I’ll go mad if I can’t tell someone, or have someone tell me I’m not crazy for finding it unnatural to have NO physical or emotional contact with a man I (for some unbeknown reason) love so much. Please help.
Dear Tina, My heart really goes out to you over all that is happening in your marriage, while this should be such an exciting, loving time because of the expectancy of your baby. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this place.
I don’t know what is happening to your husband. I don’t know if he is a person who is living out 2 Timothy 3 and 2 Timothy 4, where he is one of the “people” who are “lovers of self… wanting his ears tickled,” or if he is acting out in dysfunctional ways because of things that happened to him in his past and can’t or won’t break free from its influence, or if he has personality tendencies to be uncomfortable with emotions that he can’t fix, so he goes into just selfishly taking care of himself, rather than risking being compassionate and loving. But whatever it is, he is obviously caught up into himself right now, without considering how it is hurting others. How tragically sad… sad for you, sad for your son, and sad for him, because he is missing out on so many blessings if he would just love you as he vowed to do on your wedding day.
I’m not sure what you can do, other than to find ways to protect yourself, and to not expect him to give you the attention you long for… he isn’t capable right now for some reason. Perhaps he will some day… I don’t know, but right now, it sure doesn’t seem possible. What you’re expecting doesn’t seem “crazy” or “unnatural” but he just won’t do it right now, for whatever (unhealthy) reason he has going on in his mind. It seems like the only option you have right now is to empty out your expectations, as best you can, and instead look for other healthy ways to keep yourself busy, as a mom and as a woman who is healthy, loving, and strong in the ways that are important.
I wish I could give better advice. I would love to… there are lots of things I’d like to say to your husband, and say about this whole thing, but in reality, that would only hurt matters more than help them. You need to focus your energy on things you CAN do, which are good, rather than heightening expectations and angst, that will only drain you even more emotionally. Right now, concentrate on getting through this pregnancy in the best way you can, and welcome your baby into this world with a loving mom –a woman who is doing her best to NOT let such negativity that your husband is pushing, overtake all that can be good.
You don’t mention anything about your spiritual beliefs, but I hope you can pour out your emotions to the Lord. We’re promised in the Bible that “He cares” and listens to us. He won’t MAKE people do what they should (such as your husband), because He gives us ALL a free will. But He promises to walk with us and help us, as we lean upon Him. I hope you will. I can’t imagine going through what you are without looking to God to bring SOME kind of good out of all the bad stuff. I pray for you, and for your son, and your new baby, and your husband… that he wakes up before he permanently poisons the good in his life. The gym can bring a shallow life, if that’s all you’re investing your time into… I hope he turns his heart towards home instead. He will be all the richer if he will… and so will each of you. May you find good moments each day –ones that will bring a smile to your heart and to your face. :)
I understand the emotional eager wife vs the emotionally distant husband as I am an emotionally distant husband. But when I read the comments it does touch my heart that so many wives are feeling so hurt. I know my wife is feeling the same way right now.
But I just don’t think it’s a fair comparison to expect a husband to respond just as the wife prefers every time. I know we should honor our wives and make them feel emotionally connected, but husbands also need the ability to emotionally express themselves. I find my that the ability to express my emotions are often suppressed because I know they’ll be rejected or turned around to be used against me.
I’m unsure how to tell my wife anything that is not a compliment and should be viewed as loving criticism. I just want us to be emotionally confident that what each other says comes from a place of love without any hints of anger, accusations, finger pointing. I love my wife but I just don’t see how her emotional needs trump mine to the point where what I describe to her as something that bothers me such as her screaming is viewed as “something small” that is not that important.
For now I am focused on being a better human being, a more positive person, but it’s tough to fight the thoughts of negative emotion. If anyone has some constructive advice I would love to hear it.
Ryan, To me it sounds as if you are at least open to your wife’s feelings. I think some men are so emotionally shut down to their wives for whatever reason that they block out the fact that their wives are hurting. They can’t see the pain she’s in. Then the woman’s pain ends up causing the man pain.
It can go the other way around too. The man’s frustration from things his wife does can cause the wife to suffer. I’ve come to learn that most of the time, each spouse, not just one of them but both of them have no clue what they’re doing that causes so much distress. I agree with you that the wife should also do her part to consider her husband’s needs and ways of thinking. It’s a two way street. Men and women just have such different ways of thinking and understanding things that it’s all too easy to not realize what we’re doing to each other. Knowledge is everything for both wives and husbands.
I think if we could just learn all we can about how wives and husbands, men and women interact, think and behave individually and what each gender needs to feel valued, respected and loved in a relationship and be open to doing those things for our spouses it could solve a lot of problems. I wish I knew twenty years ago what I knew now, lol. Sure would have saved me a lot of trouble.
I say just pick up books and read, read, read. The more each marital partner knows and understands about the inner workings of the male and female brain and what each genders needs are, the better. I’m no professional, just been married twenty years now and still trying to figure it all out, lol.
I’d like to add, don’t be too hard on your wife if she don’t understand. It’s hard to know when you’re doing something that pushes your spouse away when you just aren’t accustomed to thinking the way a male thinks because you are female or vice versa. Most of the time it’s not intentional avoidance of the other ones needs. If it was, then that would be a different.
@Ryan, “But I just don’t think it’s a fair comparison to expect a husband to respond just as the wife ‘prefers’ every time.”
Prefers? It may be that behaviors and language that you judge to be trivial or arbitrary are very meaningful to your wife. Compare “prefers” to “needs” and “understands”. What is it that your wife specifically “needs”? Does she need to feel loved or to feel safe, for example? Ask her what she specifically needs. Ask her what specific behaviors or language best communicate, for example, love and safety to her. What can you do? What can you say? What should you not do? Not say? Listen to her. Repeat her answers. Ask her if you understood correctly. Then, if you’re comfortable with the behaviors and language which she described as “meaningful” to her, implement them. If you aren’t comfortable with those behaviors and language, explain why, and suggest alternatives. Negotiate alternatives together.
“But I just don’t think it’s a fair comparison to expect a husband to respond just as the wife prefers ‘every time’.”
Words like “every time” can make someone feel like she is “always” in the wrong, that she “never” gets things right. Can you share with your wife that you’re often frustrated, while also communicating an attitude of or even overtly stating something positive or something to the effect of, “Whatever this is, we can fix this. We can, and we will figure this out together.” Is there something positive in her behavior and language that you can point to, even in the midst of sharing criticism? Can you tell her how you feel when she behaves or speaks in a certain manner?
“I find my that the ability to express my emotions are often suppressed because I know they’ll be ‘rejected’ or ‘turned around to be used against me’.”
This may not be the case, but if your wife has come to you with a problem or concern, don’t respond with a problem or concern you have about her. If your wife has come to you with a problem or concern, “show her empathy and compassion”. Let her know that you care about her pain and frustration, that you’re glad that she brought this to your attention. Let her know that you love her. Ask her what she needs, what behaviors and language can help satisfy her needs. Implement such behaviors and language if you’re comfortable with them. If not, suggest and negotiate alternatives.
If your wife has come to you with a problem or concern, and you don’t communicate empathy and compassion, if you leave her concerns unanswered, if you instead reply with your own problems and concerns about her, she is unlikely to listen to you “at this time”. Instead, she’s likely to feel rejected and that her own needs and concerns are not important to you.
“Schedule a time to share what you are feeling, to explain your needs.” Tell your wife that you want to work through some things that have been on your mind. Ask her when a good time would be for the two of you to sit down together, to focus, to begin this work. Then at that time, tell her what you need —for example, to feel loved, to feel safe. Tell her what behaviors and language help you to feel loved, to feel safe. Ask her if she’s comfortable implementing these behaviors and language. If not, ask her to help you understand why. Ask if she can suggest alternatives, negotiate alternatives.
Pick one problem or concern at a time. Be concise in explaining your concerns. If your wife is engaging in hurtful behavior, explain to her how you feel when she behaves or speaks in a certain manner. Explain how it harms your relationship, and ask her to stop. She may not even understand that her behavior and language are hurtful. She may not understand how certain behaviors and language make you feel.
“I just want us to be emotionally confident that what each other says comes from a place of love without any hints of anger, accusations, finger pointing.”
You can love someone and still be angry with them. Is her anger justified? Can you empathize with her anger? Is she expressing her anger in a way that is healthy or unhealthy? If you feel that a conversation is escalating into a fight, stop, breath, reach out and take her hand. Call a timeout.
If her anger is not in check, tell her, and walk away from her. Let her know that you’re concerned about the issue at hand but that you’re going to wait to discuss it until her anger subsides or she can better manage it.
Additionally, are there truths to her accusations? Is there something which you need to take responsibility for? Have you engaged in or do you engage in behaviors and language which are hurtful? How well do you accept criticism? Do you become defensive? Again, ask her what she’s feeling. Ask her what she needs. Tell her what you’re feeling. Tell her what you need.
“…I just don’t see how her emotional needs trump mine to the point where what I describe to her as something that bothers me such as her screaming is viewed as ‘something small’ that is not that important.”
Why do you believe that her emotional needs trump yours? What behaviors and language have lead you to this conclusion? How does your wife define screaming? How do you define screaming? At what level of loudness has she gone too far? Does she display her emotions in an unhealthy manner? Are you uncomfortable with displays of negative emotion? Are there healthy ways and unhealthy ways to display negative emotion? Define these things together. Discuss boundaries. If she still continues to scream, leave the room.
In my comment above, I used asterisks to emphasize key thoughts. Unfortunately though, the asterisks have been converted to quotation marks, so it’s probably no longer clear where I actually quoted some of Ryan’s statements and where I was trying to emphasize my own thoughts and ideas. Sorry for the confusion.
For me, this really hit home and I feel like you may have skimmed through without an open mind, as you appear to be displaying the exact behavior it states our distanced pattern creates.
Unless there is more you aren’t explaining, it seems like the victimized thinking they’ve described. She screams out of frustration because you’ve withdrawn from her rather than looking inward and attempting to understand and validate her feelings, and be a better leader and rock for her and your family, as we were intended to be.
Tina, I just want to affirm what Cindy said. Think about the things you can do! There are many things that will keep your mind busy. Can you think of someone who maybe needs some food brought to them? But of course take care of yourself. Does your husband have an interest you could expand your knowledge in? You could visit about that. I really believe it’s difficult. If you are living in an area where it is culturally acceptable to behave “that way”, maybe there is a missionary who you can talk to that could advise you.
Cindy also asked you about your spiritual life. That is extremely important to me. I am beginning to memorize the armor of God passage Chapter 6 of Galatians or Ephesians. I just had a brain freeze and forgot which book :). I care! Don’t give up!