Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations, you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you because you have an emotionally distant husband?
In my counseling practice I specialize in treating common emotional stresses. if left unattended, They can turn into major debilitating problems. The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety in their marriage. These issues are usually played out in the home. I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.
The Emotionally Eager Wife VS Emotionally Distant Husband Who Will Not Engage
Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem of being emotionally distant and disconnected:
- “Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”
- “I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”
- “What does it take to get through to him?”
- “He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”
As the relationship fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment become entrenched. And then faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Good Reason to Be Disappointed
As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed. Unfortunately, their husbands fail to supply that need. They are emotionally distant. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men are unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs. As a result, they perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these emotionally distant, undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”
Options are Available in Dealing with the Emotionally Distant Spouse.
When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her emotionally distant spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating. But she can make improvements in two general areas:
1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit. If he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.
Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.
2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.
The Emotionally Distant Identifying Pattern
The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can be emotionally abusive. It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions. They would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.
The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.
When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem. Therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore. So what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane. He doesn’t see himself as being emotionally distant.
Ways He Evades Processing
He then —and this is a key —begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion. It’s a distraction —in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.
Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, and to get rid of them. That is because he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions. It is not wrong to even, to some extent, downplay them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.
Insistent Anger and Resistant Anger
Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems. This happens when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious. She certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.
The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level. So she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.
Evasive Behavior
Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful. There is the silent treatment, pretended agreement, and constant forgetfulness. There is also procrastination, laziness, and temper outbursts. Plus, there is work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The emotionally distant, evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment. He does this to prevent the boat from rocking, and harbors no intention of actually following through.
To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying. They try to be persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break this emotionally distant interplay.
Factors Behind the Pattern
In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.
If your emotionally distant husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.
Let’s look at the seven indicators:
1. Communication is reduced to power plays.
If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists. And the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.
If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively to her emotionally distant husband.
Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.
The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the emotionally distant, evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.
2. The emotionally distant husband avoids commitment and personal accountability.
A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.
Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.
These emotionally distant men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability. And that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of. So he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.
Although these emotionally distant men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.
The Emotionally Distant Fear of Accountability
With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance. This is exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden. But their wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied. (In other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice.) The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.
Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship. A thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.
3. Leadership roles are confused.
With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear. And that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!
Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?
• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down. So he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.
• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.
These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics. It must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.
Has Emotionally Distant Preference to Lie Low
But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.
It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs —a stable leader —for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.
Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.
1. Relationship is secondary to performance.
Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.
Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)
Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two as something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.
2. Sexual relating is out of sync.
Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.
For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?
At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing. That is something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands. But they are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.
Slipping into an Emotionally Distant Comfortable Shell
The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.
The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time. But she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.
Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction. This is in the way of an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.
3. Personal insights are unequal.
Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth. Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.
The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books. They enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars, and invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.
This eagerness does not always translate into significant change.
Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior —reacting instead of pro-acting —this woman eventually loses heart. She realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.
4. Both sides feel victimized.
Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience. And then, the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.
The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves. She does this by protesting, cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”
Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.
The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized by her emotionally distant husband.
“When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?” In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.
Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.
Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement
If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:
- Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.
- Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
Don’t Quit
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.
The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.
Work on Your Happiness
In short, a major step is to put your own house in order to improve your own satisfaction and happiness. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. You will still be a more stable and content individual, even if you do not experience adjustment you have hoped for in your mate. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?
The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.
Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage.
This edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner. It is written by Dr Les Carter, and is published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” As Dr Carter says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives. I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”
We believe that obtaining this book would be an inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that could greatly improve your relationship. Also, if you read this book along with your spouse Dr Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to do this.
— ALSO —
For additional insight, here are two additional articles to read to help you deal with this issue:
• HOW TO RELATE TO AN EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MAN
• WHY DOESN’T MY HUSBAND ADDRESS PROBLEMS DIRECTLY
And then lastly, Dr Greg Smalley gives the following insight:
• FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
I’ve been trying to deal my emotionally evasive husband for several years. Now he has cheated on me. I don’t feel like I can ever truly love him again. Your description of ‘The Emotionally Distant Husband’ is mine to a key. I’m so depressed as we have two gorgeous boys together and I’m dreading the day we tell them we’re splitting up.
I am so sorry to hear your story. Mine also cheated on me; he has denied it until today… but I know how you feel! I haven’t been so hurt in my life. After 12 year of marriage I know that he doesn’t love me anymore so I live in fear that he will tell me any day “it’s over”. I would love to meet a man who loves me and accepts me just the way I am. I feel that my life is passing by. Everybody needs a second chance!
I’m writing this because I think I need to talk to someone and because of some problems I cannot. I’m 34 yrs and studying Ph.D in another country now. I’ve been married for 10 years and have three children girls 9, 7 and 5. I’ve been facing marriage problems since I was married. In laws and my husband infidelities. My marriage lack sex, intimacy and I might conclude love. I suffered psychological damage because of the stress I have.
After one year of marriage I discovered my husband has another woman, because he started coming home late sometimes up to 3 am in the morning. When I asked why, he decided to put password in his phone so I won’t know the woman’s number or name. I lived like that for 5 years until I decided I’m tired. I used to respect my husband so much, never shout even do anything bad to him. I did all my duties as a wife including accepting his young brother to come to live with us.
We have three houses, three cars and he provides for the family very well, although I don’t know how much he gets a month, and how he spends it, because he once told me when I know he has money I plan for him, which he doesn’t want. When his brother came to live with us, he didn’t want me to tell anything to his brother. The guy 14 at that time, did not help with anything around the house, couldn’t even clean his own room. He’d finish eating and leave everything on the table. I did all because I believe a woman should be patient and forgive. The brother used to treat the house helps very bad. One day I told the house help she shouldn’t cook for him any more; he should cook for himself because she does everything and yet he doesn’t respect her. That’s when I knew my husband didn’t love me. He organized a meeting for us and told me in front of his brother that I’m to leave his house because of his brother. I cried and asked him why the brother doesn’t respect anybody in the house. I said that because I was angry but later I told the house help to cook and leave food for him.
One day we were fighting because I saw message on his phone a woman thanking him for sex and asking him for next time. I found his brother listening at the door. I told the brother to leave my house because I was tired of him too. His brother insulted me. That day I left my house, and my two children because I was pregnant with my third child and my husband hides everything, my bank cards, university certificate etc.. I went to my mum’s house with nothing but I had to come back after three days because I didn’t have even one cent, certificates, money etc. when I came back my hubby called his people, 10 people, only my mum was from my side. He told them that I was a bad woman when I told his brother to leave my house. I told my father in-law that I was angry, besides, that was not our fight. It was about his women.
My father in law told me that should never touch my husband’s phone and I’m a bad woman because I told his young child to leave my house. That day I cried the whole night, never believing that a so called hubby can humiliate me like that. So the whole family knew I’m a bad woman while he was the one cheating on me. I concluded that my hubby doesn’t love me, but I cannot leave because I had two small children and pregnant so I keep quiet.
When I gave birth to my last child, that is when I knew how my husband is. I found one message a woman asking him for money that the child was sick. I decide to investigate and found the woman’s name, where she lived, took her pict etc. Then I told my hubby and showed him the pict, but he denied it as usual and called me crazy, asking why I’m into his phone etc, and said the baby is not his. My baby was born on Feb, 2010. The other baby was born on January 2010.
Then after a few days I saw another message, another woman was asking money to go to the hospital. I text the woman and replied back showing that they’re lovers. I decided to check all the women’s names on this phone, and realized that he has 5 women, one with a child, and I total 7. It was a shock. I decided I cannot change him. I will just wait for the perfect time to leave him.
So I decided to look for further studies abroad because the anger was killing me. I became harsh to the people who live with me, including my children. The situation was bad and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I have to admit those days I had problem with bad breath. And so bad my husband never tries to help so I think that is why everybody knew, including my in-laws, that is why they despise me.
One year staying away from my family was a bad experience I’ll never forget. Sometimes he didn’t call me for almost 3 weeks, and when he called he say he’d call back, and never do it. I did not have good time using skype with my children. It was a psychological torture I will never forget. Even when he calls he only talks about children, or how he is building another house etc. I was so lonely in need of affection and love, which I never have since married.
It was my ex first boyfriend who helped me and see the light I have not seen him for more than 14 yrs, I connected with him through Facebook. Encourage me, call me every day for six month. Then I changed my self, loose like 14 kg ,I was 84kg, so after one year I was 70kg.. I manage to cure my bad breath, dress nice and taking care of myself.
When I come home for holiday as soon as I reach at the airport, did not even reach my home. Someone call me explain my hubby is going out with his woman. The man is one of the richest guy in my home town so I was not surprised how he know I was in town that day. The richest man told me everything any he even told me about other 4 woman my hubby have.
I did the follow up and realize all was true but my hubby denied as usually. So I decide I could not take it anymore. I missed my children, staying one year without them was bad but also the torture I was going through was too much. So I decide for sure my marriage was over and pack my things and leave him.
I come back to finish my master’s degree but later I had to think because he has my children and some of my relatives are staying in the house with him.. I decide to try to forget everything and continue be with him. But I needed time to heal so I apply for my Ph.D and I thank God I got it. I went back again home but it was hard for me to even make love with him, no affection, I don’t feel anything. Besides when we have sex I keep remembering how he treated me all those years, I think what he used to do it with other woman and I told him iam not ready for sex yet.
The problem which caused me to write here today is few month ago I told him we need to separate and he agree. But when we have small misunderstanding he insult me, does not even allow my children to have a tablet or phone so I can talk to them anytime I want. He now treat me like an enemy tell me I took him as a fool cause he allowed me to go for my studies now I want to leave him. I told him many times we need to talk about our marriage he act as if nothing happen he just ignore me.
Sorry for the too long message. I know Bible says we should not divorce but at this point am real tired and this psychological torture is interfering my studies because I cannot concentrate. I real think he did not marry me because of love but because he need a wife and I was a wife material. Besides we only dated for two weeks and he propose to me, I was 23 at that time. Because I was a true Christian did not want to sin I agree and after one year we got married I was a student studying bachelor degree that time, so I did not have time to get to know him well because after engagement I had to go back to university in another region. We only meet three times before our wedding.
I ask God to forgive me because I want to leave him and am still young definitely I will need a partner in life but I cannot be with him anymore, I do not trust him and he has shown me a true side treating me like an enemy while I do not and I never did that besides what he has done all those years to me. So now he does not reply my message maybe after two days even when I ask the wellbeing of my children. When I call sometimes he does not pick up, I see him online on WhatsApp, and he does not text me. I used to be humble text him asking about his health and my children but now I got tired of it. The problem is why he treat me like that while I never hate him
I wish I can talk to someone but because I am in a foreign country it is difficult for me.
The Bible does allow for divorce if it’s due to abuse or infidelity. I hope you have found your peace since posting this last year.
I am living this kind of marriage. I am a wfe who desperately wants and needs an intimate connection with my emtionally distant husband. We are both 59, married at 47, my second, his third marriage. My first marriage at age 22 was also to an “ED” husband who decided to have affairs rather than work on our marriage, ending in divorce with two small children.
I was a single mother for 18 years, met my current husband, we’d sit and talk for hours when dating, though now I realize ninety percent of the conversation was from me, loved that he was such a great listener at the time. He is a great person in every way, just as it states in the article, but when it comes to intimacy with me there’s none. We haven’t had sex since almost ten years now, by his choice, and whenever I’d bring it up, he gets this look of disgust on his face.
I’ve taken it personally, was in excellent shape up to the time of his rejecting me sexually, and have packed on the weight turning to comfort food from his rejection of me, during this time he was also going overseas for three to six months at a time for almost seven years and I was dealing with the deaths of my parents, and other severe emotional issues. I feel extremely disappointed, resentful, angry, like I’m living a lie. We live like roommates, I sleep on the couch and he sleeps upstairs. I can’t sleep in bed with him because I know how he sees me and the pain is too much knowing he has no interest in me.
I’ve tried numerous times talking to him about these issues, he would get angry, walk out, tell me I’m trying to make him think the way I do, turn it around on me always that it’s me. I’ve sent him info and articles, to no avail. When he was overseas at my being upset on the phone with him because there was no intimacy at all between us, he would just pacify me by saying that when he got back we’d go to therapy and for me to find one to go to. It would never happen. He’d never bring it up once home, and I was sick of being the only one who cared to bring it up anymore.
I’ve seperated emotionally from him now, the resentment has built up in me to the point I’m not interested in him anymore either, we live a lie. Few times I see hope, then it always ends up back to square one. I have to say that at this point I’ve resolved to the fact this is just the way it is. I truly believe what happened is my “attachment style” of needing and desiring a deep close intimate relationship comes from my childhood, my father was emotionally distant, and I’ve subconsciously married my father, trying to change these men, and my husband, who was sexually abused by a man as a child, whose father died in a car accident the day of his birth, whose mother gave him and his older siblings up to be raised by the grandparents, learned how to stay closed up from pain.
I believe what he initially saw in me he was extremely attracted to but doesn’t know or want to go there with me, it’s too much for him to be open and risk feeling pain as the article says. I am living married but lonely to the fullest!
Hi. I’m married and pregnant. And I’m lonely because my husband acts very distant of me, not sexually active or physically involved with me. I don’t know what to do or think. I feel that he is attracted to another women. I ask him but he says no, but he refuses to communicate with me or tell me what’s going on with him. Can you please tell me if my marriage is over or if I’m overreacting; please help me.. thanks, Kesha.
I find this very interesting, “The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.”
It’s statements like this that makes it difficult, if not impossible for me to consider such articles as being balanced and not simply bashing a gender. To suggest that the problem is with men is why you find men reluctant to go to therapy. It’s the, “if we could only fix men to want less sex and want to talk more…”
Instead of trying to “fix” men, why not find ways to celebrate what makes men who they are AND still allow women to be who they are.
If you want men to be more intimate, you have to start with accepting who they are. If one is trying to change them, or suggesting they are defective, what sort of intimacy should you really expect? Certainly not any real intimacy if your message is your true self is not acceptable and we want you to play this role instead of being yourself.
Hi Tony. I agree with much of your statement. I often find generalizations of gender-specific behaviors in relationship articles. Not all fit the stereotype. However, there are those with intimacy avoidance. Such as- never opening up, limiting physical affection or withholding sexual aspects of marriage. (On this last point, I am not minimizing that physiologic challenges may play into this for some.) It seems to me that avoidance of intimacy is either intentional (i.e. volitional due to unresolved resentments) or unintentional (part of an individual’s make-up). Either way it can adversely impact the level of connection in the relationship and be directly damaging to the partner.
I must commend the writer; this a well researched paper. I come from another part of the world (Africa) but I did feel a sense of connection with my situation. It is my first time to read about the evasive husband and emotional distant partner but I am glad that your description establishes for me where I can start from. What I felt missing in this piece was a mentioning on resentment and manipulative. I believe this is one behavior we develop when our relationships are lopsided as above. It would also help to know what triggers this kind of behavior (evasiveness and emotional distant), is it culture, upbringing????
Dear Men and Women, We all have so much to learn! My heart breaks for everyone who has posted comments here. It is not natural to be ignored or horribly mistreated in marriage. No one’s spirit can take that and God sees it all.
A comment to Tony: The article was discussing the emotionally distant husband. This isn’t gender bashing. It’s an attempt to highlight a type of tragic marriage that can occur when the woman is emotionally eager for intimacy and the man actively (consciously or not) avoids intimacy like the plague: No touching, no sex, no talking, no interacting because the man just opts out of all of that completely.
This describes my 23 year marriage perfectly. My husband doesn’t want a divorce. I’ve wanted to leave a few times but don’t believe a divorce would make life any easier. So, I’ve contorted myself to try and make our marriage work in ways that I can only describe as heroic, and I mean to praise myself like that completely before God and everyone here! We’ve seen 7 marriage counselors and have both agreed to plans of action in the pastor/counselor/therapists offices, and we’ll get home and what has happened is that I will plug along trying to implement what we’ve planned, and then my husband just cannot or will not stick with it or will actively do something to sabatage any positive progress we make and then blame me when I naturally express sadness or anger about his behavior.
I’ve spent years -literally-digging through my past to identify and deal with any baggage I’ve brought to the marriage and I’ve grown and changed because of that effort I’ve made on behalf of our marriage. My husband sees no need or value in examining his own past, even though by doing so he could learn a lot about himself and his role in our unhappiness.
I have concluded that I can only try to be as kind as possible and stop expecting my husband to be other than who he shows himself to be: a guy who just really doesn’t want or need me for much of anything. I simply had rightfully expected sex, touching, interaction, planning, shared experiences -eye contact!- daily chats, communication and warmth out of marriage. I have no choice but to go ahead and live life without his involvement and be aware that I have to choose to stay focused on him rather than other men that I may be drawn to. Ours is not the kind of cold marriage I signed up for though, and it’s been heartbreaking. Our marriage has been like this for 21 out of 23 years. I’m not perfect and don’t mean to suggest I am. But I’m giving this my best. It’s been hard for us both.
Tony, I am certain a similar article could be written about the emotionally distant wife. I wish and pray for the best for all of us here. God bless us all!
Amy, My name is Amy as well and I need to talk to you… You are exactly where I need to be in my marriage. Let me know if it is possible to connect.
Hi All… Amy, Amy, Tony and others… I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. My wife and I have both been Christians since before we married, and I would like to add my “two cents worth,” if I may. The article is well written and well researched… yes, but I think it’s incomplete.
I was also the “emotionally distant husband for much of our marriage, mainly because of the way I was raised. It was dangerous to express emotions when I was very young… therefore I learned very well to avoid emotional expression of any kind. The result of this was two-fold. One- I learned to turn away from my emotions and ignore them completely. Two, after years of this practice/coping mechanism, I was not able to express emotions because I honestly did not know what they were. I couldn’t express how I felt, because I didn’t have the words which fit. I was that disconnected. It took time for me to feel safe with expressing myself within our marriage, but my wife’s patience and the working of God in my mind and heart over time eventually enabled me to be much more expressive.
I can imagine that this would be very frustrating for wives to read, and that is not my intention. What was an enormous help for me was the following: My wife:
– grants me time to put together my thoughts and express what I was feeling.
– never naggs.
– never puts me down for any emotion or feeling.
– allows me to be myself.
– prays a lot for me
– is never accusing
– removes the threat of conflict and confrontation- these can come later… and a confrontation is a lot less threatening for me now.
The result is that I have discovered the joys of allowing emotions to have their place, and the rest and peace which follows a tactful and honest emotional exchange.
We men ARE emotional creatures! We just do not know how to express our feelings very well. When we have a safe and secure environment in which to express ourselves, then we can far better be the emotional support and counterpart/sounding board which our wives need, deserve, and want. I hope this makes sense… WP (Work in Progress)
Please write an article and title it “How to tear down emotional and ego centric male walls and communicate with your Wife.” Thank you.
God bless the writer of this brilliant article. I have been married for 4yrs with a kid. My husband is emotionally distant as rightly described in the write up. I don’t know if he is unfaithful because I don’t look out for signs of cheating or look through his phones(they are pass worded anyway, I have also pass worded mine). The only thing he does is go to work, hang out with friends, return late, eat, give us money, buy us gifts and chat for a short time, attend church with us on Sunday.
He avoids me as much as possible(need I mention that I am very young and beautiful?) When I call during work hours or message him, he will be so rude, arrogant and say things like I am disturbing him, embarrassing him, he is not the only married man, blah blah. He never helps with the house chores and rarely takes us out on fun trips. I have prayed, begged him, cried. I have been so depressed and at some point I lost my sense of self-worth, he tells me all sorts of hurtful and degrading words. None of my efforts at making our marriage more enjoyable seems to have worked. I trust God to help me change him someday.
In the meantime, I have also shut down my emotions so he no longer has emotional power over me, discarded most of my emotional expectations from my husband. I am now focused on taking good care of myself, my kid, loved ones and career. I don’t care if we have sex once in a month anymore. I am happier, feel better, more beautiful and confident. I refuse to be unhappy because of my husband; after all, I was happy before I met him. I have chosen to be happy regardless of my husband’ behaviors. I have got Jesus, wonderful family/friends and our adorable kid that all love me.
What happens when it’s been 24 YEARS and you are just discovering this now??? This is us to a tee. I’ve been miserable, the loneliest I’ve ever been, being abandoned within marriage. I’m worn out from banging my head against the wall. The only time things have been good is when I accept I don’t matter and quit trying to get any needs met. So after all of this, what do I do now with this info? I’m exhausted and don’t know if I have the energy to care enough anymore.
Hi Sandy. I know exactly how you feel. I cannot continue like this any longer but he wants to stay in the marriage for the kids sake. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that with everyday that passes I love him less. I yearn for the day that I have completely fallen out of love with him and nothing he does or says can hurt me anymore. How do I get to that point and place in my life where I put myself first and find inner peace without him?
Hi Sandy. I can relate totally –I’ve been with my EU husband 39 yrs, and the last 7 yrs he has become emotionally unavailable. I’ve had betrayal -not other women but siding with others over me even when proved I was right. I’ve been let down so many times by him I feel broken from it all. What did I do? I tried to talk – meaning i did 99.5 percent of the talking. I bought him holidays, a truck for work — yes he took it all — and walks in and out of my house 7 days a week and sees no upset or why is my wife not living a life – or so unhappy? He sees nothing. But he works as many hours as he can get — why? To avoid responsibility, accountability or talking over his issues.
What is wrong with these people? Do they lack shame and a conscience as well as empathy and understanding — he will quite often under pressure agree to make changes yet does nothing. Surely when your partner is suffering something within you wants to resolve it to stop the hurt. I quite often hear “what about you?” or when asked to talk “I’m Not going there!!!
I seriously am debating leaving. I refuse to live the rest of my life in such a miserable way — he has nothing to give to any woman; it’s not just me. His behaviour borders on narcissistic / psychopathic and I have reached the end. I do not know where to turn — I now have anxiety and depression from being made to feel worthless as whatIi am made to feel counts for nothing. Yet he expects me to want to go out with him, sleep with him. How can I respond to this? Can someone help me understand???
Joy is permanent. Happiness is temporary. Joy depends upon what happens inside of you. Happiness depends upon what happens outside of you. Bringing joy into your life requires you to become an artist and your life to become your art. Happiness requires changing circumstances, including people. Joy requires changing yourself.
After reading this article I’m so glad I’m not alone. At first I thought my husband only changed because of his deployment and general discharge situation. It may be a factor now that I think about it but all that I’ve read makes complete sense. I used to be a very self loved person until I caught my husband inappropriately messaging someone else. After that it went down hill. It happened a second time and I really fell into a depressed state.
My husband at some point completely ignored me. We live with his family and they always pick fights with me and he stopped standing up for me. He spends money as he wants and only for him and goes out as he please but no help for me when I’d like to go out. He stopped messaging me when I’d wait for a reply. He’d make plans and not follow through (only with me). It’s gotten to the point that if I asked him to give his son his breathing treatment he wouldn’t and say “I forgot” but spent that time putting his motorbike on a ramp to leave.
I feel at this point that the only way to gain my control is to leave the house and take my son with me. I love him but I feel that he’s given up. He’s even said “I love you but I just don’t care”. I’ve left him before and went back. That was my mistake. I know he takes pleasure in my pain. Anxiety and depression is a big part of my life now and I really have no idea what to do. He only thinks about himself and I’m here trying to adjust to it but it’s killing me inside to lower my standards. I feel pathetic.
I have also heard the term emotional anorexic used to describe these types of husbands. I have one such. I think I married him as I came from an abusive home where I was not loved much. So when he showered me with attention when we were dating I was in heaven. When we got married he changed overnight. Literally overnight. Our wedding night he climbed on top of me, did his deed and that was it.
After that, spending time together, affection, everything went out the window. He withheld sex most of our marriage and would only engage very late at night when I was really too tired to enjoy it. I could never figure out why. Now from this article I know. He was not interested in intimacy and he got his needs met (as infrequent as it was) when I was not interested. After two kids (who were conceived with one off efforts) he decided he didn’t want to have more kids and refused sex unless I got sterilized, which I did, and then there was still no sex.
He lied and said he never promised anything. He refuses to hug me or talk to me about personal things — only talks about real estate, or money or his work. I am so tired of this marriage. The fact so many men are like this is depressing. I have so much despair after 16 years of marriage.
I cannot BELIEVE I have found this!! I feel like I have hit the jackpot! Last night we were talking about splitting up! Everything has gone through my head. He doesn’t love me, wants someone else, no longer attracted to me! The list goes on!
I had come to the conclusion that I had to look after me and our 10 year old daughter emotionally and just withdraw to protect myself. Now I see there are ways forward.
We have recently started couples therapy and I can tell you that my husband is EXACTLY what is written here. But we had gotten to blame and shame and he hates himself for making me so unhappy. Now I know it is not me, that he does love me. His father was very emotionally unavailable, and I guess it is hard for him to express himself when he has grown up to be emotionally repressed!
We’ve been together for 12 years, and for 10 of them I wondered what I had done!! Now I know it is not the end, only the beginning. I have brought this man’s book, and cannot wait for it to arrive. Thank you for saving my sanity. x
Hi Everyone! I’m sending big hugs to all lonely housewives! I can relate to this article. When a husband ignores your requests for anything it’s called stonewalling. If he instigates problems but pretends he did nothing it’s called Gaslighting. I’ve been in my relationship for 22 years, living together for 14. I grew up with severe emotional abuse and had no self worth. My husband was attentive and seemed like my rock of stability. However he has been very aloof in his attempts to change anything and here is the most important piece, our son who is only in grade 2 has more awareness and emotional insight than my husband!!! For my son, that’s fantastic. For me being with a man who’s less then capable of being “real” as needed, unable respond lovingly to my tears, questions and demands for personal growth is embarrassing.
I often wonder why I don’t just leave. And you know what? It comes to being co dependant, liking my lifestyle, keeping my child happy, ignoring our marital issues and I still love the guy for what he does do right. But I’m lonely. He doesn’t give great conversation he acts like an actor every day, goofy and animated. Our intimacy suffers too because of how shallow he is the rest of the time.
I’m so sorry for all of you women out there who are actually very strong but feel stuck. I wish you total strength to find your happiness and know that all of us reading are feeling your pain and secretively hope you and your situation becomes better.
To the men reading, women yell because they’re in pain because of a man not listening. Men are not expected to be miracle workers but come on, and grow your personal development a little bit, what’s so hard about making some changes for a women who loves you? All you have to do is listen with love in your eyes and heart! We want you to want us.
Thank goodness my son is emotionally smart -raise your kids with awareness especially boys to help change the future of marriages which seems to be going out of style. Hugs, hugs, hugs from around the world!
I am in a situation just like this one. Except that when I try to confront the situation I am usually pegged with all the blame. It’s my fault that we have grown so distant because I don’t”submit” to him as I should. But I do all I can to be helpful and find solutions. In truth he feels that because in his point of view Sex is a constant. If it isn’t found with great frequency then it must mean I don’t love him. But so many times I just want to be held or connected with on an emotional level. But anytime we spend time together he quickly resumes his pattern. I spend a lot of time alone because he is either glued to the phone and/or watching TV.
Early on in the marriage he hurt me deeply. It took a long time, but I have moved on. So I tend to be cautious about how much I allow others to use me.
On the down side I don’t know how to manipulate. It’s just not in my nature. I am instead upfront and honest. An other disadvantage. I know I should be more giving, but I am not being met half way either. He makes concessions but quickly abandons them when we getting along. For us that is usually after sex.? Because of this I tend to make the best of my time and although I communicate my plans with him I try not to wait for him to share his with me. He doesn’t seem to want to be a strong leader of our family but then complains if I give our home the structure it needs. I’m sad. I cannot believe this is what marriage is like.