Do you feel disconnected from your spouse? The need for closeness and the reactions to being disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships. This is especially true in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry, get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
Sharing Frustration
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are unable to share what is going on in their heart. They are only able to share their anger, frustration and hurt.
The pursuer feels the loss of his or her partner’s attention, care, or concern and so searches out him or her with anger, frustration, and hurt. The pursuer feels that if he or she does not pursue, he or she will not be seen or understood. Wives, who are usually the pursuers, often say, “I nag because I feel he will not hear me. He’s just not there emotionally. He can’t shut me out like that.”
The with-drawer, overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotion, feels alienated and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. And so, in protection, the withdrawer pulls away. Husbands, who are often withdrawers, say they are left feeling devalued, disrespected, and unworthy. Unable to calm and soothe their wife, they withdraw to find peace.
Withdrawers frequently walk on eggshells and skirt around issues that may trigger displeasure in their spouse. Oftentimes withdrawers say that attempting to get their point across is not worth the hassle, because they feel that their spouse would not understand them anyway.
The Impact of the Cycle on Your Marriage Bond
When a spouse is busy pursuing or putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, he or she does not have the emotional space to hold his or her partner’s perspective and needs. Couples begin to see each other as unavailable and inconsiderate. They say of each other, “My husband (or wife) just doesn’t understand me. He (or she) isn’t there for me and no longer cares about how I feel.”
Sharing one’s heart freely begins to feel dangerous. Couples say, “There’s no way my spouse would understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would just mean I’d be hurt again.” When husbands and wives emotionally disconnect, their relationship no longer feels safe or secure. They no longer turn toward each other for support or comfort.
What Triggers Your Pursue-Withdraw Cycle?
Something happens, and suddenly you see your spouse in a different light. You perceive your spouse to no longer be the kind, thoughtful, loving person you married but rather the person who does not care about you or value your heart. And although you might not doubt your commitment or your love, you, in the moment, dislike your spouse.
We all have had a time when what our spouse did meant to us that they didn’t care. And when you feel your spouse doesn’t care, or is not there for you, your cycle is usually triggered. Too often differences are interpreted as “You don’t value me.”
Mary and Joe are very different from each other. Mary is a night owl and Joe is an early bird. Joe interpreted Mary’s inability to fall asleep at 9:00 P.M. as uncaring and disrespectful. Mary viewed Joe’s request for her to come to bed at 9:00 P.M. as unreasonable and insensitive to her need to relax after a long day at work. Their difference in internal body clocks is not seen as that but rather as the inability of the other to be sensitive and caring. Their differences become a threat to their close attachment bond.
Damaging Differences
When differences are seen as damaging to the relationship, you and your spouse judge one another as being the enemy rather than friends. Most of the time it was the differences that drew you and your spouse together in the first place. You were outgoing and bold, and your spouse was quiet and gentle. After hurts, disappointments, and inability to talk about the complications and difficulties that arise as a result of being different, the differences in your spouse change from positive to negative.
A connection comes when you and your spouse are able to sit together and risk talking openly. Don’t let the difficulties that differences bring trigger your rigid cycle of criticism, blame, defensiveness, and withdrawal. It is in this cycle that you and your spouse lose sight of each other’s value.
Sharing Heart needs and Longings
As a couple, it is important to talk about the needs, hurts, longings, and feelings of your heart in an open and honest way. In this way you and your spouse can find a path to each other instead of pursuing and withdrawing. Instead of this openness, all too many couples chose the disconnecting path. Or they chose to communicate in ineffective ways.
Expressing your needs and longings to your spouse can be difficult. Some people don’t know what they feel or need. Others feel that if their spouse really loved them, he or she would know what they needed without having to tell them. This expectation is very damaging to the relationship because it keeps your heart’s needs and longings hidden and your pain of being alone heightened. It tempts you to up the ante and angrily pursue your spouse to keep guessing what you need. It also sets up your spouse to withdraw in frustration, because no matter what he or she does, it is just not good enough.
Share Openly
If you are a withdrawer, it will be important for you to share openly and honestly your feelings and needs. Risk being emotionally available to your spouse. It might be important to admit, “I can’t come close to you and be there for you when you are angry and criticizing me.” In this way, you can allow yourself to be there for your spouse in a more open way.
If you are a pursuer, learn to express your heart rather than just getting angry or criticizing. Reach beyond your anger and harsh words to a softer place. From that place, express your longings and fears and ask for your spouse to be there for you. Interactions then won’t revolve around your anger and disappointment. You will both come together around the tender longings of your heart.
Don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes you don’t know what to do. Say something like, “I care for you, but I don’t always know what to say or do.” This invites your spouse to share what they need from you. In this way you are connecting in honesty and warmth instead of anger and defensiveness.
Disconnected Emotions and Hearts
Couples don’t always know what to do with each other’s emotions. Husbands are taught to buck up and not feel. And wives don’t always know how to express their feelings in a manner that their husbands can hear, understand, and respect. Often spouses fear that their emotions will be found unacceptable or that they will be thought of as weak. How you and your spouse deal with your emotions will be very important to your bond. So what are you supposed to do with your spouse’s emotions? Try listening.
Listen to your spouse’s emotions with an empathetic attitude. Listen not only with your logic but with your heart as well. Aim to understand your spouse’s heart. To do that you often have to listen beyond the words. You don’t always have to find a solution, fix what is wrong, or solve the problem. Often spouses can’t just listen to their partner’s heart without being defensive, reading into the conversation more than what was intended, or being hurt by what is said. Learn to say, “That must have been difficult.” “Sounds like you had a rough day.” “I would be disappointed if that kept happening to me too.”
Both husbands and wives long to be heard, understood, and respected. Most often your spouse comes to you to share his or her heart and life. Listening is the most powerful way to show your spouse that you understand and accept him or her.
Reconnecting Your Hearts
It will be important for you and your spouse to emotionally reconnect as soon as possible after being hurt and hooked into your cycle. Remember, disconnecting and not talking for days or sweeping the whole encounter under the rug and coming back together to take care of household tasks is not a reconnection of hearts. It is only a connection of schedules. Unresolved hurts and issues add strain and stress to your haven of safety. Soon you and your spouse learn not to turn toward each other but rather away.
HOW SHOULD YOU CONNECT AFTER BEING HURT?
Remember four things:
First, God was wise when he told us not to let the sun go down on our hurts, especially anger. Turn your hearts toward each other as soon as you are able. Before the end of the day is God’s preference.
Second, come back together and acknowledge what happened. Understand your as well as your spouse’s part of the cycle. Admit to your role in keeping the cycle going. Remember, your bond is more valuable than your being right.
Third, share your hurts and needs rather than your anger and frustration. Remember you both value the relationship. Neither wants to hurt or be hurt.
Fourth, when all is said and done, touch and talk to each other in a soft tone of voice, sharing encouraging words. This can be very powerful. The touch of your spouse is physiologically soothing and calming. It assures both of you that the bond is safe and sure.
CREATING CONNECTIONS:
There are many ways to build the attachment bond between you and your spouse. Here are three ways that are effective:
• First, pray together daily.
Beginning and ending your day in the presence of the Lord not only turns each of your hearts toward each other, it turns your hearts toward the safest place you’ll ever know: in your heavenly Father’s presence. Couples who pray together stay together, because by praying together they’re strengthening the bond between them in the presence of God. That’s powerful.
• Second, believe the best of intentions of your spouse.
Your spouse isn’t always out to get you, even though it seems that way at times. You long to be loved and valued, and so does your spouse. Believe that. Be there for each other as God refines and molds each of you into the image of Christ.
• Third, risk doing things differently.
Open up your heart and learn how to relate to your spouse in a way that draws you together.
When Your Relationship Is a Safe Place
It will be of great value that the emotional attachment bond between you and your souse becomes close, safe, trustworthy, and predictable. If your marriage is perceived to be a haven of safety, you and your spouse will be a resource for each other and able to withstand the pressures and pains of marriage and life.
But a close attachment bond doesn’t just happen. It is over the course of time and experiences, as each of you interact and respond to each other, that your bond will be nurtured and strengthened. In this way you will experience your relationship as a safe place where your heart can safely be shared and cherished.
This article came from the book, The Complete Marriage Book: Collected Wisdom from Leading Marriage Experts compiled by David and Jan Stoop, published by Fleming H. Revell. Their book contains a wealth of collective wisdom from authors such as Dr Norman Wright, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Roger and Becky Tirabassi, Gary and Carrie Oliver, Dave and Claudia Arp, Paul and Jan Meier, Greg and Erin Smalley and more. This particular chapter, in it’s edited form, is titled “Creating a Safe and Close Connection.” Sharon Hart Morris wrote this particular one.
— ALSO —
The following is a Crosswalk.com article written by April Motl, which could be helpful to read:
• Making Your Marriage a Safe Haven
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
I expressed my feelings and needs (emotional support –need physical hugs) to my husband several times. I also picked the occasions that I believe that it’s the right time for us to talk and share. However, my husband thinks that it’s too much pressure (stresses) to him. To him, it seems that I’m pushing him to do things for me, even if hugging me more when he’s available. I don’t know how to express myself to him anymore because I don’t want to give him the stresses (that he thinks).
I often feel lonely because even if my husband is home because he doesn’t hug me or sit next to me. He would sit apart from me to play with his cell phone (games, text messages, etc.). Even if I got up at night to cry in front of the fireplace, he would just go to sleep without checking on me. My feelings are hurt, but I can’t express it to him anymore because I just don’t want him to think that I give him pressure again with any related conversations (open heart talks). Now what I can do is to read more related articles (helpful information) online and pray often daily.
Could you please advise any information that might help to control my emotions because I still want to save my marriage (and I still love my husband deeply). Thanks for allowing me to write my words.
My husband is the same way with me. When I try to talk he doesn’t hear me or will say he will try harder but doesn’t follow through… things are getting so much worse.
I completely agree with this article. Whenever I feel hurt by my husband emotionally, after a little cooling off and thinking time, I confront him about whatever it was, and try and tell him how it made me feel. I’m really emotional so it takes a lot of strength for me to even explain how I feel without crying (especially if it’s something that really got to me or something I feel was really insensitive).
He, on the other hand, just says things like “no I didn’t mean that” “you’re overreacting” and basically just negates whatever I say. He’s not doing it just to be mean or uncaring, he really believes that what he said or did is completely justifiable, even if I’m telling him how much it hurt me.
He’s a loving husband and I don’t question that, but sometimes it’s really hard to work through problems when he barely responds to my deep emotional side. He deals with things more matter or factly and usually thinks that his way is logical. He even flips things around and gets upset that I’m even upset at him to begin with. I’m also 7 months pregnant, and I especially need emotional support at this time. I love him to pieces, but how do I connect better with him and sort out issues that come up?
I understand the logical thinking of a man. Men don’t like seeing us women emotional, most of the time they don’t know what to do. My husband hears more than once because we have the same issues with our kids or our relationship. Sometimes he hugs me and sometimes he doesn’t and I need him, it’s stressful being a mother. I sometimes feel I do all the dealings with our kids alone and it’s become a burden. I love our children but I need him by my side.
I too belive computers, phones, tv or Internet has distracted my husband from our kids when they’re home and when I need to talk to him about my day and his day. Right now he seems to be into my little ponies to the point of talking about her like he’s married to her. Our daughter is disturbed by his actions lately and I’m considered that I did something wrong to make him talk to his toy.
We always talked. Now I feel he’s become distant until he wants me at night and morning. I feel jealousy over a toy and his laptop, which seems to be more important than talking daily and facing problems together and not on my own. My husband is 38. Do men do this often or is this my fault? When I get stressed and carry the load of our kids I don’t have sex. I want to but when our kids kick my butt all day I really wish my husband would help too so I could give him what he wants everyday.
I text him every other day. He asked me to instead of voice mails. He doesn’t return the texts even when I asked him why and once it was important but he didn’t check. I don’t understand why I work so hard to please him and I would like him to meet me half way and not only on his day off.
Julia, You have a real problem here. There is some kind of disconnection where your husband is trying to hide. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s an introvert and communication seems to be problematic with him, or if it’s because of his communication style, or if something else is going on between the two of you that I (and you) don’t know about. The psyche can be so confusing and mysterious. But whatever it is, this needs to be fixed because this type of lack of interaction isn’t sustainable. You are stuck in a bad “communication” (or lack thereof) pattern.
All married couples deal with communication struggles in one way or another at some time or another, which needs to be changed. You need to find a way to make this work for BOTH of your sakes, and for the sake of your kids because they are observers of the unhealthiness of it all. Please don’t think it escapes their attention. It could for a while, but eventually they will know the difference between good communication between their parents and can sense frustration, even if you never say a word to them about any of it. You need and they deserve better than this… it’s fixable and NEEDS to be fixed, but it will take intentionality on at least one of your parts (at least in the beginning –eventually both of you).
I recommend that you find a good pro-marriage counselor to help you. You may say that you can’t afford counseling, but I can tell you that you and your children cannot afford for this pattern to continue or it will cost you MUCH more financially and emotionally. Divorce –emotional and physical, is very, very costly. Honestly, this may not take many sessions at all. You both need to learn how to better deal with these issues. Texting is NOT an acceptable means, because it’s not face-to-face, so there’s no way of knowing if you’re being heard and cared about. Texting is fine over some issues, but very, very surface issues like, “What would you like for dinner,” or “I’m thinking and praying for you –just want you to know you’re on my mind,” etc. But when it comes to discussing family and personal matters… it’s not acceptable at all. Your husband is hiding and you both need to find out why.
If you don’t know of a good pro-marriage counselor, then please contact the ministry of Focus on the Family. Their web site can be found at http://www.focusonthefamily.com. They have contact info on their web site. They have counselors on staff (for free) who could get you started in a good direction –even if it’s just you alone, giving them info and asking for their insight as to what you can do to move this issue into a better direction. And then they have a great referral system where they know of counselors all over the U.S. that are pro-marriage, if they think you need more help.
We have some great communication tools listed in the topic section at https://marriagemissions.com/category/communication-tools/. Prayerfully go through them and see if you can use some of those tools. Just approach using one at a time in respectful ways and see how that works for you. A woman can often bring the heart into the home when she wisely approaches such matters. It sounds like your husband is hiding and also is getting lazy in wanting to partner in this. That isn’t unusual, but it’s just not acceptable over the long run. He needs to be led back, whether it’s outside of his comfort zone or not. There can be a compromise going… but this isn’t that… it’s just plainly dysfunctional. However, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Please see about using some of the tools we make available, and if that doesn’t work out well enough so you’re satisfied, then get some help. Someone needs to make the effort to save this marriage while it’s still in a place where that can happen. I hope you will.
Been married 22 years. My husband, he doesn’t see this. The way you have described this situation. I see it, and feel it. I asked, for example, if we could spend an afternoon watching movies and relaxing in our home this weekend, we didn’t. But we haven’t for a very long time, since we moved here in October and before that for many months. So I asked this weekend, I asked both days, I didn’t get angry when he didn’t do it, but this weekend was Feb 28 and March 1. Then I viewed the calendar. The next time we have possible that we will be together in our home is May 1st. So basically he avoided me and the great value I find in relaxing. Now it won’t be until May 1st that we could even consider doing that again. Not good, I’m not keen on how our lives are scheduled.
I don’t like it. I have no control and just wish I could feel I was an equal to someone. I wish I felt important to him. He says he loves me, says I matter, but I don’t see or feel anything from him. His actions do not reflect that.
Yesterday I was in mid sentence to my daughter’s boyfriend, MID SENTENCE, and my husband just started talking over me. How invisible can you feel? My daughter’s boyfriend laughed at him and said “your wife is talking.” It was embarrassing to be so ignored. He didn’t apologize. He didn’t even see what he had done. I am invisible. I am soon to be divorced, but HATE divorce.
I feel like my husband does not care about my needs at all. I work full-time and am 5 months pregnant with our first child. We moved a few months ago as I had a good job opportunity. He worked for about a month before he told me how much he hated his job and how it was making him miserable so I told him to quit since he will be going back to school in the summer.
I don’t mind that I’m the one to go to work and support us, I just wish he cared more about taking care of me with this pregnancy. Instead he stays up late playing video games and sleeping in until noon. I just feel so taken advantage of. I asked him to rub my back this morning as I’ve had a lot of pain while sleeping with my loosened ligaments from pregnant. Even that was too much to ask from him. If I tell him that it hurts my feelings that he doesn’t help me or nurture me. He says I’m overreacting. I do everything to make sure we’re financially stable. I just wish he would care for me even a little bit. I feel so lonely. I pray to God to open his eyes and realize what’s important in this life.
Please consider looking up the phrase “Asperger Neurotypical Marriages” or “my partner has Aspergers.” It’s amazing how many people are struggling with this same issue, but have missed this key item. I hope it helps.
If you have posted to this site please consider looking up the phrase “Asperger Neurotypical Marriages” or “my partner has aspergers”. It’s amazing how many people are struggling with this same issue, but have missed this key item. I hope it helps.
May God Bless you for this. Its been very helpful. I will stop being the withdrawer. I will definitely open my heart to him and let him know what really triggered my withdrawal.
My husband did not love me or care about me. He didn’t help ME in MY hour of need. I took care of him through his Cancer and through his ALS, which of course took his life. I was ALWAYS there for him! He was NEVER there for me, and I will ALWAYS hate him for that. I am such a good and loving person, and have never experienced hate before, except for my husband. I’m just glad he’s gone, and I no longer have to suffer from his abuse!!! Goodbye and good riddance!!!!!!!!!!!
The shame here is that the hatred he infused I fear you may prohibit you from finding a caring, considerate, loving partner in the future due to your fears of being hurt again. It sounds terrible what you went through but try now to forgive the past and to find your light! Clearly you’re a fighter! You need to believe you can be happy again.
My husband and I have been married 32 years -all of a sudden he up and left, starting talking with another women -he stated he no longer loves me. He said it has been since 2013 -he just kept being in our relationship. I feel hurt and betrayed because I didn’t know that is how he felt. He should have come to me to talk about things. Now he wants nothing to do with me -or adult children. I want to reach out to him to sit down and just find out what I did wrong –not sure what my next step is.
My husband and I had an argument today. He withdraws. I pursue. I thought about what my problem was and I felt like what I discussed with him didn’t matter and like I didn’t matter and even if he didn’t go along with the plan I discussed with him, I wanted him to acknowledge me and that he heard me and maybe comfort or reassure me that it would be OK and that all would be fine. Instead when he informed me that he didn’t go along with my plan and I asked why not. He told me why, but in a very mean way and told me he didn’t care about my plan.
When I later told him what I really needed was to feel like he cared about me and my feelings and my thoughts, he said he didn’t care and that I was annoying and other bad words. Like a complaining b****. I tried to tell him I love him and that he is the most important thing in my life but he said he was glad he took nyquil so he could shut me out in all my annoyingness and turned up the loud action movie he had switched on.
Then as he left the room told me all I needed to do was shut up and deal with how he had handled the situation instead of complaining about what he did or didn’t do. He had promised me earlier we would try to get back into going to church just today and now refuses and says he doesn’t care about anything I have to say. I was quiet, then after a bit I cried and cried and cried. I want him to love me and not label me as annoying and telling me he doesn’t give a f*** about anything I say. I cried and almost hyperventilated.
I was so patient and kind and I’m so frustrated that he is so offended he can’t hear that I just felt ignored. And as I tell him this he says he is trying to ignore me. As I cried tremendously he sat in the room next door and went to sleep. This happens every couple of months. He often loses his temper, but only a few times a year does he shut me out over night and generally for several days if I take no action. I initiate the peace process every time. I generally get a very short, “sorry.” &then he goes back to being so nice and giving me lots of compliments.
I don’t understand how he can claim to love me and then when I tell him I need him and that we should be there for each other and that I love him…. and he is so mean and can’t see past any anger…. how can he claim to love me? I am so hurt. It isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last that I left to be alone and cry. It is so cruel. I pray before I try to speak to him and during and as I’m crying. I hate and I mean HATE going to bed apart and without his kindness. And I hate his anger. He will come around, but he never seems to comprehend how much pain and hurt he inflicts with his actions and words.
I’m afraid to love him again. I will, but I know I will be hurt again. The remorse on his end is generally quite small and the apologies are very lackluster. I’m very unhappy about these arguing habits he has. If I don’t reconcile he carries on in a very mean manner. If I try to reconcile too early I get very hurt as I did today. I’m so tired of the roller coasters. He says he won’t see a counselor.
Sounds like you should start caring about you and looking for a happier place for you…..
Feeling like my husband doesn’t care.
I have been married for 23 years and for the most part we have a good loving relationship. But I regularly feel lonely and ignored. After a month or so of feeling this way, I will approach my husband and tell him that I am lonely and need to spend time with him. He will ignore me most of the day and then spend 15 minutes engaging with me. When that doesn’t appease me, he gets angry and says “well, I tried”. This cycle goes on about every 2 months. I’m a very strong person and I usually can just deal with feeling lonely. What I don’t understand is why he pulls away from me when I tell him that I’m lonely and need to spend time with him. It makes no sense to me. I’m not one of those women who try to make him guess what is wrong. I specifically tell him and he runs away. I wish I could understand this.
My husband and I are married for almost 2 years now. We got married after 6 mos of being together as boyfriend and girlfriend because I got pregnant. He used to give extra effort during the courtship period and the first 3 months of our relationship. I knew he was not yet ready for commitment when we got married but we did get married because of our baby. Now he told me that he loves me but I don’t feel it .
He says that I am just needy and trying to demand a lot of things. We don’t have time for each other because he works at night and I work in day time. We don’t get to see each other. We see each other during weekends. The only time that “we should be” spending time together is not maximized because he keeps on playing nintendo DS all the time. He doesn’t even text me or call me. I told him that but he shuts me up and told me that we are already husband and wife and that I am too needy etc. He doesn’t want to entertain me when I say lets just separate (divorce is not an option in our country). When I confront him he will just tell me that he wants to have a house of our own (because we are living with his parents). What should I do?
Culturally, where I came from (Latin America) husbands tend to place their mother’s and sibling’s needs first. Even for my Christian husband this has happened. We’re talking about things like him not wanting to celebrate our anniversary with a simple country picnic because he’d rather spend the day at home with his mom. Or how about when his relatives put me down with negative criticism and he doesn’t back me up? How can I deal? I often feel like I am in second place.
What can a wife do when your husband has decided that nobody’s opinion or needs take precedence over his? That’s what happened to me and the society we lived in in 2001. To get him to back off a position in favor of a younger seniority that had political connections I had gone to my husband. And first begged him to back off his bid. When begging failed I tried promising the marriage I had withheld since 1985 for just this emergency. I promised to make our marital bed normal, not to complain if he thumbed his nose again over the Mid winter vacation we had begged him to consider since 1987. The next time we went on vacation to Ireland in 2003 and went. I said I would even stand up to his father and friends about taking off the holidays like other people.
He flatly told me where I could go. HE took that job hurting four men on our front porch when they thought they were going to put my husband in his place. It was one of the most terrifying mornings of my life when the bolted front door and frame exploded in on top of me and my husband is standing on it telling me the next time I tried getting him hurt I was going to have a date with an undertaker. We had seen the last bit of cooperation with out intimidation from my husband.
IN 2009 he was in a surgery for A MRSA Abscess that ate the disks up in his spine causing his spinal cord to be crushed and partially severed. When he came home three years later there was hope he would understand we did not mean what happened the prior 24 years It was everything he wanted in life seemed to crush somebody else’s hopes. I was hoping for the understand that we had to again make adjustments to life’s needs and nobody really knew how.
The night he was coming home I was going to a social dinner that was invitation only with my husbands mother, father, and his fathers best friend. I had just finished getting ready when he was standing with his cane in the living room asking where we were going. I was not expecting him home that night, I explained I had promised people I would go, specifically his father, I said the dinner should be over in four hours and I pulled a 100 out of my purse and handed it to him. I could see he was furious I was going as his fathers friends date. I said we could meet any where he wished and get things laid out and decided on. But I had promised. He looked at me and asked how many of the promises I had made him the last 31 years had I kept. I did not consider it a fair question, I knew I had just made most of them to gain cooperation for others and I had broken everyone to keep the option open for latter. That evening I was out of options, He read me the riot act about what he had provided in our marriage. then he presented me with a question, What had I provided. I did not provide any family for him, I only wanted him to work. I did not provide house keeping or any funds to the house He did his own wash, his own meals, he cleaned the house and maintained the yard and provided transportation when he was not hospital bound, there was nothing he said that was not true. I finally said I felt that I was the anger board for all these things. when I was not people were hurt.
Things did not go as any one expected that night. He ripped everything off me and by the time he was done I was going to provide a family. I did not know it for three months. HIs fathers friend became mouthy at the door saying get out of my way cripple and my husband just picked him up and threw him face first into the drive right in front of his terrified mother and father.
I had hoped to find someplace we could have a middle ground to his wants and needs and other wants and needs, It just became easier that he just do as told. Now its not at all easy if not impossible. He invites himself any where I am invited except showers. He wont be intimidated at all without somebody learning they tried with the wrong man, just gets someone hurt badly, not my husband because he’s the one that delivers hurt.
After 3 years home all I can do is hope nobody interferes with him now. I’m never going to try and get him to back down again. I might end up in the ground if I do. My friends and others want something done but we don’t know what’s legal.
I am at my last, am weary and tired of abuse of all kinds. I’m waiting on Jesus to remove my mountain, because I have removed myself and he won’t leave us alone. If I had enough money I would take my children, change our names, and run from this country. HELP ME JESUS.
After 21 years of long-suffering and every kind of abuse you can think about, my spirit is broken, my children are scared emotionally, and he is walking around feeling the MAN. Me with my head bowed shamed and neighbors having heard, I tried leaving, and went to a shelter. He could be in jail but he finds us. Where do I run? The police are full of it, shelters can’t protect against pure rage, and a restraining order is a piece of paper to wipe, and use in the toilet. It does nothing to a man who fears no one and have killers to back him –being in a gang himself.
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. He owns a landscaping business which is somewhat slower in the winter months and I work full time, attend college full time and work a part time job on Saturdays during fall and spring semesters of college but during the summer I tend to work the part time job more hours. Saturday’s after my part time job on my way home from work I stop at the car wash to get my car detailed. Well, my husband states I don’t have time for him; oh by the way he was all for my continuing my education which has been for 2 years now. He says I make time to do other things and fit them in my schedule. It’s not him.
I’ve been up late doing assignments and sometimes when I get home during his busy season he’s not even home yet. I feel all blame gets put on me. We may make plans to make love one night but I’ll be doing an assignment and fall asleep, get up in the wee hours like 3/4:00 am have to get up for work at 6:00am. I’ll go up to bed and he looked to be sleep. I’m tired as crap three days later he says I don’t care about him and that he wasn’t sleep and I just came up and went to sleep not saying anything but of course I’m beat.
If he was awake why didn’t he say something? Why not acknowledge or something then instead of what I look at as getting on me for not doing what we planned. I mean I don’t know what to do. He has started going to a different church and everything. I’m starting to see divorce as the only option. I love him truly but I don’t know what to do. Can I get some feedback and advice PLEASE?