Do you feel disconnected from your spouse? The need for closeness and the reactions to being disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships. This is especially true in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry, get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
Sharing Frustration
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are unable to share what is going on in their heart. They are only able to share their anger, frustration and hurt.
The pursuer feels the loss of his or her partner’s attention, care, or concern and so searches out him or her with anger, frustration, and hurt. The pursuer feels that if he or she does not pursue, he or she will not be seen or understood. Wives, who are usually the pursuers, often say, “I nag because I feel he will not hear me. He’s just not there emotionally. He can’t shut me out like that.”
The with-drawer, overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotion, feels alienated and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. And so, in protection, the withdrawer pulls away. Husbands, who are often withdrawers, say they are left feeling devalued, disrespected, and unworthy. Unable to calm and soothe their wife, they withdraw to find peace.
Withdrawers frequently walk on eggshells and skirt around issues that may trigger displeasure in their spouse. Oftentimes withdrawers say that attempting to get their point across is not worth the hassle, because they feel that their spouse would not understand them anyway.
The Impact of the Cycle on Your Marriage Bond
When a spouse is busy pursuing or putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, he or she does not have the emotional space to hold his or her partner’s perspective and needs. Couples begin to see each other as unavailable and inconsiderate. They say of each other, “My husband (or wife) just doesn’t understand me. He (or she) isn’t there for me and no longer cares about how I feel.”
Sharing one’s heart freely begins to feel dangerous. Couples say, “There’s no way my spouse would understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would just mean I’d be hurt again.” When husbands and wives emotionally disconnect, their relationship no longer feels safe or secure. They no longer turn toward each other for support or comfort.
What Triggers Your Pursue-Withdraw Cycle?
Something happens, and suddenly you see your spouse in a different light. You perceive your spouse to no longer be the kind, thoughtful, loving person you married but rather the person who does not care about you or value your heart. And although you might not doubt your commitment or your love, you, in the moment, dislike your spouse.
We all have had a time when what our spouse did meant to us that they didn’t care. And when you feel your spouse doesn’t care, or is not there for you, your cycle is usually triggered. Too often differences are interpreted as “You don’t value me.”
Mary and Joe are very different from each other. Mary is a night owl and Joe is an early bird. Joe interpreted Mary’s inability to fall asleep at 9:00 P.M. as uncaring and disrespectful. Mary viewed Joe’s request for her to come to bed at 9:00 P.M. as unreasonable and insensitive to her need to relax after a long day at work. Their difference in internal body clocks is not seen as that but rather as the inability of the other to be sensitive and caring. Their differences become a threat to their close attachment bond.
Damaging Differences
When differences are seen as damaging to the relationship, you and your spouse judge one another as being the enemy rather than friends. Most of the time it was the differences that drew you and your spouse together in the first place. You were outgoing and bold, and your spouse was quiet and gentle. After hurts, disappointments, and inability to talk about the complications and difficulties that arise as a result of being different, the differences in your spouse change from positive to negative.
A connection comes when you and your spouse are able to sit together and risk talking openly. Don’t let the difficulties that differences bring trigger your rigid cycle of criticism, blame, defensiveness, and withdrawal. It is in this cycle that you and your spouse lose sight of each other’s value.
Sharing Heart needs and Longings
As a couple, it is important to talk about the needs, hurts, longings, and feelings of your heart in an open and honest way. In this way you and your spouse can find a path to each other instead of pursuing and withdrawing. Instead of this openness, all too many couples chose the disconnecting path. Or they chose to communicate in ineffective ways.
Expressing your needs and longings to your spouse can be difficult. Some people don’t know what they feel or need. Others feel that if their spouse really loved them, he or she would know what they needed without having to tell them. This expectation is very damaging to the relationship because it keeps your heart’s needs and longings hidden and your pain of being alone heightened. It tempts you to up the ante and angrily pursue your spouse to keep guessing what you need. It also sets up your spouse to withdraw in frustration, because no matter what he or she does, it is just not good enough.
Share Openly
If you are a withdrawer, it will be important for you to share openly and honestly your feelings and needs. Risk being emotionally available to your spouse. It might be important to admit, “I can’t come close to you and be there for you when you are angry and criticizing me.” In this way, you can allow yourself to be there for your spouse in a more open way.
If you are a pursuer, learn to express your heart rather than just getting angry or criticizing. Reach beyond your anger and harsh words to a softer place. From that place, express your longings and fears and ask for your spouse to be there for you. Interactions then won’t revolve around your anger and disappointment. You will both come together around the tender longings of your heart.
Don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes you don’t know what to do. Say something like, “I care for you, but I don’t always know what to say or do.” This invites your spouse to share what they need from you. In this way you are connecting in honesty and warmth instead of anger and defensiveness.
Disconnected Emotions and Hearts
Couples don’t always know what to do with each other’s emotions. Husbands are taught to buck up and not feel. And wives don’t always know how to express their feelings in a manner that their husbands can hear, understand, and respect. Often spouses fear that their emotions will be found unacceptable or that they will be thought of as weak. How you and your spouse deal with your emotions will be very important to your bond. So what are you supposed to do with your spouse’s emotions? Try listening.
Listen to your spouse’s emotions with an empathetic attitude. Listen not only with your logic but with your heart as well. Aim to understand your spouse’s heart. To do that you often have to listen beyond the words. You don’t always have to find a solution, fix what is wrong, or solve the problem. Often spouses can’t just listen to their partner’s heart without being defensive, reading into the conversation more than what was intended, or being hurt by what is said. Learn to say, “That must have been difficult.” “Sounds like you had a rough day.” “I would be disappointed if that kept happening to me too.”
Both husbands and wives long to be heard, understood, and respected. Most often your spouse comes to you to share his or her heart and life. Listening is the most powerful way to show your spouse that you understand and accept him or her.
Reconnecting Your Hearts
It will be important for you and your spouse to emotionally reconnect as soon as possible after being hurt and hooked into your cycle. Remember, disconnecting and not talking for days or sweeping the whole encounter under the rug and coming back together to take care of household tasks is not a reconnection of hearts. It is only a connection of schedules. Unresolved hurts and issues add strain and stress to your haven of safety. Soon you and your spouse learn not to turn toward each other but rather away.
HOW SHOULD YOU CONNECT AFTER BEING HURT?
Remember four things:
First, God was wise when he told us not to let the sun go down on our hurts, especially anger. Turn your hearts toward each other as soon as you are able. Before the end of the day is God’s preference.
Second, come back together and acknowledge what happened. Understand your as well as your spouse’s part of the cycle. Admit to your role in keeping the cycle going. Remember, your bond is more valuable than your being right.
Third, share your hurts and needs rather than your anger and frustration. Remember you both value the relationship. Neither wants to hurt or be hurt.
Fourth, when all is said and done, touch and talk to each other in a soft tone of voice, sharing encouraging words. This can be very powerful. The touch of your spouse is physiologically soothing and calming. It assures both of you that the bond is safe and sure.
CREATING CONNECTIONS:
There are many ways to build the attachment bond between you and your spouse. Here are three ways that are effective:
• First, pray together daily.
Beginning and ending your day in the presence of the Lord not only turns each of your hearts toward each other, it turns your hearts toward the safest place you’ll ever know: in your heavenly Father’s presence. Couples who pray together stay together, because by praying together they’re strengthening the bond between them in the presence of God. That’s powerful.
• Second, believe the best of intentions of your spouse.
Your spouse isn’t always out to get you, even though it seems that way at times. You long to be loved and valued, and so does your spouse. Believe that. Be there for each other as God refines and molds each of you into the image of Christ.
• Third, risk doing things differently.
Open up your heart and learn how to relate to your spouse in a way that draws you together.
When Your Relationship Is a Safe Place
It will be of great value that the emotional attachment bond between you and your souse becomes close, safe, trustworthy, and predictable. If your marriage is perceived to be a haven of safety, you and your spouse will be a resource for each other and able to withstand the pressures and pains of marriage and life.
But a close attachment bond doesn’t just happen. It is over the course of time and experiences, as each of you interact and respond to each other, that your bond will be nurtured and strengthened. In this way you will experience your relationship as a safe place where your heart can safely be shared and cherished.
This article came from the book, The Complete Marriage Book: Collected Wisdom from Leading Marriage Experts compiled by David and Jan Stoop, published by Fleming H. Revell. Their book contains a wealth of collective wisdom from authors such as Dr Norman Wright, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Roger and Becky Tirabassi, Gary and Carrie Oliver, Dave and Claudia Arp, Paul and Jan Meier, Greg and Erin Smalley and more. This particular chapter, in it’s edited form, is titled “Creating a Safe and Close Connection.” Sharon Hart Morris wrote this particular one.
— ALSO —
The following is a Crosswalk.com article written by April Motl, which could be helpful to read:
• Making Your Marriage a Safe Haven
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
My husband is leading a ministry and this takes a lot of his free time off his full-time work. I’ve been trying my best to support him over the years because I know that God is using him. But I can’t help feeling we (my kids and I) are not second/third on his list. Yesterday was mother’s day and he didn’t even remember to plan anything for the family and this isn’t the first time he’s done it. He committed his time to practicing with his ministry instead and just said sorry. I’ve told him over and over that I’m not the kind who likes gifts (and we can’t even afford it even if that were his means to make up) but I am the kind who likes to spend time with the family. When we make plans and the ministry calls for his time he’d just leave me and the kids hanging. He takes us around thinking he’s spending time with us but really all he does is log us around commitments he makes to church and no QUALITY time with us and by the time he’s done I’m just too exhausted to do anything else and want to go home.
I’ve told him this over and over and I always come out as the bad guy. I can’t even afford some me time because he makes so many commitments on his free time that I have to sacrifice my own needs just to support him. I just feel so hurt and taken for granted but I’m more scared that I’m withdrawing far from him because I’m starting not to care anymore. Am I wrong to ask for his time? Am I not being supportive of him as a wife?
I don’t have an answer for you. I’m going through the same thing with my wife. Some months ago I started going to counseling so I could have someone to talk to. That is helping. My counselor wanted me to talk to my wife about my needs. It took a couple weeks to build up the courage to do so, but she turned the conversation around very quickly to everything that I am doing wrong. Much like you looking like the bad guy.
Honestly, you could stop going to the events & commitments he schedules for you and the kids. Stay firm and hopefully he will realize what he is doing. Neglecting your spouse and kids is not part of God’s will, even if it is to do something for the church. Regardless, just know that you aren’t the only one going through this and maybe there is someone in the church that can come along with you and help you through this time.
I’m not sure that isolating yourself from your wife’s calling in the ministry is going to solve anything. It sounds like the two of you need to head to counseling together. She obviously has some issues that you have not addressed. What does she think that you are doing wrong? Have you tried to resolve that?
No matter what job a spouse has, ministry or other, God’s plan is for you to love one another and to put each other first. Workout a plan for how to manage time at your job, spend quality time together as a couple, and also as a family. It is important that you are both feeling fulfilled and successful in your roles at work and as parents, but still valued and loved as a husband or wife.
This article shows me exactly what myself and my husband are going through. We have been together since high school and it hasn’t been easy. We have done so much hurt and hate to each other. I feel like it’s last the point of no return. But I can honestly say there were so many times I would tell him it really hurts when I see you don’t put me first as your wife and defend me against your family members who blatantly mistreat me; you disregard it to not cause a commotion and all the while my feelings are left I dealt with. I often repeated myself to him that it really hurt and if I was wrong for feeling that what could I do to try and make him feel better and look for ways to see what I could to make things right.
Just recently he got a job offer in another state to help us get a little more money saved up because we were so tight on money he got frustrated with just barely getting by. He took this job. Around family members he likes to drink, gamble and other things. To me, I didn’t like it and I expressed what the consequences could be, not out of a hatred filled place but of a concerned place, and he ignored my feelings and did as he pleased because he knew I was in another state and could not do anything even if I tried.
Turns out he gambled most of our savings away. His family was disrespectful towards me, he forgot my birthday, and forgot Mother’s Day. My heart was very hurt but it also was use to it… My point is I have tried so hard to keep my marriage working. I feel like I’m the only giving effort and he says he has as well but his actions show something else. When he finally got us a place to stay in the state he was in I realized he didn’t have his wedding ring on. That flood of emotions of why he was acting the way he was away from me came flooding back to thinking my gut may have been right? He may have been acting like this because he met another woman? I guess after all this happening and seeing I’m not first in his life when all I do is think and do for him I felt alone. I am alone now. I finally gave up and gave it to God.
This is harmful, and God understands your hurt. I encourage you to read this book. It helped give me direction and boundaries: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
Also, her website has article and blogs, and her facebook page. http://www.leslievernick.com/blog/?inf_contact_key=cac4d4f8479987ce470cf4f77e357f5206abde65b0167ab4e003c7bbad681e51
If my husband has rejected me even after I’ve told him how much I’m hurting and need him to put me first but still doesn’t, what do I do then? Give up? I’m tired of crying and feeling alone, abandoned, rejected. He has made it clear his family comes before me and can do no wrong (even when they do it front of his face), to drinking, smoking (weed), and gambling come before myself and our two young children. My heart is so hurt and numb from the pain I don’t even know what it feels like to be happy in my marriage anymore.
So, so sorry Broken Hearted… this is so sad and difficult, no doubt. I’m sad for you. How I wish I had words I could say to you and you could do them and your husband would wake up and change his ways. But I don’t have those words, even though I wish I did. All I can say is to pray for wisdom, asking God what to do with this husband who is so contentious. Perhaps you will have to take a “love must be tough” stance (you may even want to read the book, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
to help you make decisions that may be necessary. Sometimes there needs to be a stirring of the nest to wake someone up.
You ask “what do I do? Give up?” All I can say is to ask you, how long did you promise in your wedding vows? How long do you think God would think is long enough? I can well appreciate how tired and hurt you are… you didn’t expect that your husband would eventually act this way towards you. He shouldn’t. But ESPECIALLY for the sake of your two young children, I encourage you to fight for your marriage. Ask God to be the husband for you that your earthly husband isn’t being while you are fighting. Those children need a good example of a good marriage and/or at least one parent who approaches marriage with good sense and tenacity. They don’t need drama; they need parents to fight FOR them by fighting for their marriage. Do what YOU can to work on your issues and whatever else the Lord shows you, pray for your husband, and leave the results to God, as you look to Him to guide you. That is my honest, prayerful advice. I know it’s hard, but I pray it helps. And I pray the Lord especially helps you as you walk this difficult journey.
My husband withdraws often, when I don’t meet his expectations or he doesn’t get what he wants. Unfortunately, I never know what is expected or what he wants in general because he won’t tell me; he just stops speaking to me out of the blue. This goes on for weeks at a time. He lives as if he’s single as far as not including me in decision making that includes me and my life. He told me he is comfortable living as a single man and it’s all my fault because I work nights 4pm to 12pm. I took the night job because of insurance; I’ve tried to find other work but so far nothing. However, this rejection started at the beginning of our marriage. He’s self-employed, and does missionary work out of country for weeks at a time. He has the attitude of all or nothing, it’s his way or the shunning begins. I have a very close relationship with Christ and he tells me he does as well but I’m having a hard time seeing it. He will not go to counseling. Any advice would be great.
Teresa, You are not alone. I started seeing this behavior (Silent treatment) in my husband for the past several years; now it is worse. Irony is I am a victim of his behavior and he states that he is a victim. He cares about his mom and his family more than us but he does not admit that and he thinks I care about my parents more than him. So many fights between us for everything. We have been married for 21 yrs. We both do not want divorce but both are not happy with each other.
We are financillay seperate now because he is not a good investor or businessman and he kept on putting family money in a buisiness which is in loss and no hope it will get better. He thinks it will. At this point he does not pay for anything. I do pretty much everything. He earns good money and puts that in the business or in his account. he claims that he is doing this for family. He blames that I am selfish and kept finances separate.
I do not see a point in anything from him. I am open for discussion but he will say he is wounded and withdrawn. He always looks depressed and he does not go to doctor, nor does not dress properly and always talks negative. Now I stopped looking for a change in him. It is very hard for me to admit that I can not change my husband who decided to stay in the past and depression. There is no other choice. He has to help himself; I cannot do it for him.
So that is the advice I will give you. Just be there for him when he needs you but do not expect anything from him. Admit that you cannot change him. He has to change himself.
These suggestions are wonderful but will only work if both spouses are willing to put the work in. I’m always the one trying to work on the marriages while my husband makes excuses and minimizes his behaviors.
You’re right Amber, marriage works best when both spouses put in the work that is needed. There is no doubt. But please don’t give up. Be the hero here, to the degree that you can. I was the main one trying for many of the earlier years of our marriage. There were many times when I felt things were tipped WAY too unfairly. But I kept plugging away. Eventually, my husband Steve started to wake up. And now, he is a full participant in our marriage. It’s like what Ruth Graham used to say about her marriage to Billy. She said, “It’s my job to love Billy; it’s God’s job to make him good.” Keep working, praying, and loving your spouse “as unto the Lord” and prayerfully, your husband will have an “ah ha moment” and will wake up and participate WITH you. Don’t enable bad behavior, but go the extra mile in working on your marriage in the ways that you can. I hope he wakes up and pray for strength and blessings for you.
I’m hurt, and struggling with depression. This has been going on for nearly a year now but suspect that my situation has been present but hidden for some time. Last Christmas I took the decision to give up smoking cannabis, a habit, which had been steadily increasing for a number of years. It’s clear to me know that I was self medicating myself together with regular alcohol use. I am 35 years old, have two small children and have been with my partner for nearly 14 years, married for 8.
Back around Christmas a portal hard drive failed with the majority of our photo collection on it, over the Christmas period I went searching through drives trying to piece the albums back together. It was at this point that I stumbled across photo collections from my wife life before me and some of the former relationships she had, nothing indecent but the pain that it caused seeing her happy with other men really cut deep, and I felt betrayed. This year has been the hardest of my wife and there has been much strain in my relationship. My wife and I both had very different upbringings, my own within a large Christian family of 9 where rules and values around sex and relationships were not possible. My wife grew up in a much more liberal family and was actively encouraged to go out and meet and see the world. Part of me envies her for this upbringing and over the years resentment has crept in.
We are currently in the process of moving house, a stressful time for anyone but added to that is the knowledge that she will be bringing momentoes of her life and relationships before my stored in boxes. I’m really trying to accept that this is ok for her to bring with her but today is a low day. All I want is for her to see is how processing these relics have a profound impact on me and it’s difficult to move on when the past is brought along for the ride.
We love each other and tell each other regularly but my heart is hurting and I’m in danger of pushing her away and straining our marriage further. I sought of therapy back in the summer 6 weeks but have decided to take any depressant medication to help improve my mod before going back for additional talks. I’m struggling it’s clear and I want to cry often especially when ever any conversations come up that I become uncomfortable with. I undersatnand that the past is the past and there is nothing that can change it. I love my wife but a distance has been growing between us, conversations often end up walking on egg shells. I want today to be a good day and hope that nothing sets of my anxiety again, thanks for listening.
My wife has always put her parents first… and then the kids. I had no problems of her putting her parents first. I would often make the 2.5 hr one way trip with her when her diabetic mother needed assistance. My wife being a nurse, it was in her DNA to help when needed. The problems started when her parents became more and more needy and we’d be making the 2.5 hr trips every weekend with our kids in-tow for at least 35 of these trips over the years. This is how we spent our time as a family, driving to rescue her parents. It was very far from “quality” family time and bonding properly.
I just thought to myself that I was being a good son in law. I’d go to church and pray that I was shown why there was a reason that I was sacrificing my happiness and family life to “help” her parents. Her dad kept on telling us how he was on death’s doorstep with various ailments and her mother just had a hard time regulating her insulin medications.
I finally had enough when we arrived a few times we weren’t even greeted like we weren’t welcome there. They would insult my wife about her weight and my weight, my choice of jobs etc. I felt so disgusted that I wasted all this time with people that had no respect for the things we did that I started giving up on my family as she persisted to want to be a part of her parents lives (issues). I pleaded with my wife not to take the kids with her on the trips. If she wanted to go she should go by herself. So she ended up not going at all and this made me feel like I was wedging myself between her and her parents relationship.
Her parents ended up moving closer to us only after her brother with his new wife and kid moved closer to us. But what happened shocked me more than anything. They moved and emptied their bank accounts and gave it all to her brother and moved all their belongings into my garage to sort out. I told her that I was no longer speaking to her disrespectful parents! I can’t believe I didn’t put a stop to this a long, long, long time ago. Even when we didn’t make the trips, my wife could be found on the phone for hours giving nursing advice to neighbors, co-workers and friends. Then when she had nothing else the kids got all the attention.
About 4 yrs ago I started to try to find my own life separate from my family. I moved out of our bedroom we shared and now she’s asked for divorced. I have so much guilt about not being around for our kids these last few years but I have felt neglected for a long, long time and I refuse to “go along” with my wife’s view of how life should be. I’m ashamed that I didn’t put my foot down a long time ago. God doesn’t want you to sacrifice your well-being at the expense of others. People are capable of of carrying their own crosses. If not, they will learn how to. The only dilemma I have aside from how to keep a good relationship with my kids is how do I make up for LOST time of putting myself first and getting back some self-respect?
Dave, I am sorry you are at this place in your life now. You are right – you should have found a better solution to the demands your wife’s parents put on your marriage YEARS ago while still being able to meet their needs. And it’s sad they never acknowledged all of your family’s sacrifices for them. No doubt this was a very unhealthy codependency relationship.
Unfortunately, your decision 4 years ago to find your own life separate from your family only added gasoline to an already raging fire of family dysfunction and there are no winners by this decision. But your kids are going to be the really big losers (again). Quoting you: “God doesn’t want you to sacrifice your well-being at the expense of others. People are capable of of carrying their own crosses. If not, they will learn how to.” I can find absolutely nothing in the Bible that backs up your claim. Actually, all through the Bible I find where we are to ALWAYS put other’s needs above our own. If we are a true Christ-follower we are to “Love Like Jesus;” and you cannot find anywhere in the Gospels where Jesus put His needs above others. The phrase, “Take up our cross…” is followed by the words, “…and follow me.” In other words, Jesus is saying we better be ready to lay down our wants, our needs, our likes…even our happiness, if we are going to be called Christ-followers.
I personally want to puke anytime I hear someone say, “God doesn’t want me to be unhappy.” God is far more interested in our holiness than He is in our happiness. So, Dave, yes you got the raw end of the deal when it comes to all you, your wife and your kids sacrificed earlier in life because of her parents, but that doesn’t give you the right to leave your wife and cause more trauma for your kids.
I hope you will prayerfully consider what God would really have you do regarding this.
You have no idea of how hard life is. My wife quit 17 yrs ago. I serve the Lord alone, she has no interest in serving the Lord in any capacity. I have tried everything. I have prayed without ceasing begging for a positive change, but nothing has changed. The kids are gone now. I have been married to 5 different women in 35 yrs. I am tired, exhausted and wore out. Accepting that God’s plan and his will is not to ever make things better is a hard thing to do, but I have to make a change. My blood pressure is out the roof and I am on 10 different medications already. I simply do not understand why God allows such suffering on a long term basis.
I have read many of the comments, from nice people, but there are no real solutions. When your spouse has absolutely no interest in being a godly wife anymore, you are on your own. The hardest part has been not knowing what caused the changes. I have no idea of what happened nor why. God is on the throne and I see so many people have happy lives. I do not know why he chosen to allow such a sadness to persist.
Joshua, actually I do know how hard life is. Everyone measures life’s difficulties differently. I’ve been a type-1 diabetic for 42 years; I had an LAD heart attack in July. I too am on multiple meds to control everything from hypertension, diabetes, etc. So, believe me, I will never minimize how hard your life has been, or currently is.
But you say you’ve been married to five different women and indicate that they never quite got with your plan for “serving the Lord.” Something is drastically wrong here. Are you sure you have been praying for what “God wants in your relationship” and not what “you want?” I seriously doubt God would sanction you marrying and divorcing five different women as part of His plan/will for your life. Even if you never initiated the divorces you had to have some responsibility for the failure of multiple marriages.
You say you don’t understand why God allows such suffering on a long term basis. The Bible I read shows that often God does allow what we call “suffering” because we have been disobedient in following His will. He will let us repeat the same sins/mistakes over and over again because He is patient in waiting for us to come to a complete and full surrender for letting go of our desires (even when it comes to serving Him) and start doing things His way.
I’d like to suggest you do something. First, don’t even think about getting into another relationship with a woman for an extended period of time. History shows you don’t do well at choosing wisely. Next, spend a few months in a Bible study that changed my life/opinions at the age of 50. It’s called Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God (Workbook)
This is very extensive, but boy, it is RICH. I had been a Christ follower for 26 years when I did this study. I thought I knew “everything” I ever needed to know about the “faith” walk I had. Man! Was I ever wrong.
I don’t mean to be hard on you, Joshua. I know you feel kind of beat up on already. But as a brother in Christ, I feel it’s my responsibility to challenge you to go deeper in your walk with Christ. I can promise you that you will never regret doing this and God will honor your commitment. Blessings!
I think what Joshua meant was you have no idea how hard life can “Feel” like to other people. We all react to things differently and at different depths. What I said in my post about sacrificing happiness was not meant in a shallow context. You dont know anyone unless you “walked in their shoes”. So here it is, what I meant about being happy was not feeling suicidal. Ive been struggling with PTSD ever since I got back from the war. My PTSD entails dealing with anxiety, depression, insomnia, shame, guilt feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders etc, etc…. so do you still feel like puking? I actually find that comment a little pretentious. Unless you felt the depths of despair as I do, you have no context of what “happiness” means.
Hi, Dave. First, you have no idea how sorry I am for what you are dealing with in your PTSD. And I do, in fact, have a great understanding of what you are going through because as a Fire Department Chaplain I’ve worked with firefighters going through Critical Incident Stress (the twin sister to PTSD). I hope you’re getting some good help in dealing with your PTSD.
Like you, and most human beings, I want to experience happiness in my life, and especially in my marriage. I work hard to bring happiness to Cindy because it’s like the saying – “Happy wife; Happy Life.” BUT it is not my primary objective in my marriage to BE happy because if that were my primary objective I know there are many times I would be disappointed, even angry at times.
I learned this lesson the hard way in my marriage and then I finally came to realization that God’s primary concern for us as married couples is our holiness and not our happiness. So, the more I read in the Bible that I am to “Love like Jesus” and put that into practice in how I relate to and treat Cindy, the natural outcome is we have a much happier marriage.
You have to understand, Dave, that our web site is based on teaching the principles of the Bible for marriage. If you come in with a different viewpoint, that’s fine; but don’t expect us to change our views on what we’ve seen work thousands of times to make marriages better. On the flip side of that coin is that we see thousands of people come to our web site and blog every year saying they are giving up on their marriages because they aren’t happy. Their favorite reason is, “God doesn’t want me to be unhappy.” There is absolutely nowhere in the Bible that they can quote that says this – yet it is their reason for leaving a marriage and getting a divorce. That’s what makes me want to puke.
We’ve been fighting to save marriages for almost 20 years. This web site grew out of our passion to provide help for the millions who come to us every year. Are we perfect? Not even close. But we feel we are doing what God has called us to do.
Again, I am really sorry you are going through PTSD. I have a feeling it’s the result of your service to our country and Cindy and I are both eternally grateful for your service – as we are with all service men and women. We have a bunch of articles devoted to military marriages by following this link: https://marriagemissions.com/about-us-2/military-marriage-links-and-resource-descriptions/ Blessings!
My wife and I have been married for 3 years now and you would think since we’re newly weds, that our relationship is great. But the fact is that its worst than many. We got married very young I was 26 and she was 18, and we fell in love when we first saw each other and although I’ve had longer relationships than how long we dated before marriage, I never thought of getting married, but with her it was different, within a month of dating I knew she was the one for me. And so I brought her to Puerto Rico to meet my family and I proposed to her. Shortly afterwards we moved to Arizona to start our new lives together.
Now when we got married, that’s when everything changed. Our intimacy was not active as it use to be and it was the beginning of our problems. I was working as a welder in Arizona Nuclear Plant and I have to tell you the job was not a walk in the park, working in EXTREME HEAT! and in hazardous conditions which caused me to be drained at the end of the day. She started to develop migraines specially in winter, but then it started to get worst the more time past. I was always there for her and would even miss work to stay and take care of her but we couldnt continue there.
So we decided to move to California where we thought life would be easier for us and we could have a fresh start. But by then we were use to the intimacy level that we were not having. It became a routine in our marriage and we both knew we needed help but we never got any. And sad to say it affected our anniversaries and special holidays that we could have done everything we could to work things out but then again we didn’t. We left to Puerto Rico to visit family for a few months and we thought we could since we don’t have children to tie us down. But same situation there but before we left we finally agreed that we needed help and decided to do so when we arrived to California but when her mother came to visit us in Puerto Rico, my wife decided it was best if she’d come to Cali first, get a job and get things started since I’ve been the one working always she said it was time for her to help me. And I was supposed to go back a month later, but before I left I noticed she started changing and not calling me very often, so when I asked her she said it that I was the cause of her migraines and its because I never looked for her intimately, and that she had doubts about us being together again. She told me that I should stay in P.R. and not come back to Cali.
I couldn’t believe this was happening so I decided to go back and fight for my marriage. And just as I thought I did not have a warm welcome always being pushed away saying that she only sees me as a friend and nothing else. Although our marriage is going through a rough road I can’t deny the fact that we’ve had three wonderful years together. I just want my marriage back and I want our intimacy to be as it should be, not because we have to but because we want to. I love her with every drop of blood in my body and it kills me not to have her by my side.
I don’t know if this helps, but I’ve been married almost 25 years and my husband and I have had intimacy problems throughout causing distance or “coldness” issues. Many times I felt unloved or that he wasn’t present emotionally. But we have worked hard. Some things I’ve asked from him are: use my name often, it feels personal. Look at me when you talk to me. By giving me eye contact you are less likely to let your mind wander and can focus on me. A gentle touch is nice; it shows caring. Ask questions about me that show you care then listen and respond with conversation and emotion that connects the two of us.
Share some things about your day that made you feel something, not just the facts. By sharing something emotional it’s another way to connect and can get a man out of his “logical” brain. Not all men (or women) have that problem but some do. I’ve also asked him for anything I can do to help him feel more loved or help him be more present emotionally.
From my experience men and women do relate a little differently overall. Some have more difficulties than others. But it seems to me, anyone can correct me if I’m wrong, all marriages at one point or another have to be fought for to succeed. Good luck and God Bless!
Great advice, Marsha. You are so right that we relate “a little (sometimes a lot) overall.” Some of the things I thought were so logical to me, were not logical at all to my husband. I had to ask, and respectfully talk with him about it. Some things I’ve had to let go of, but the important things have been adopted. It’s important to keep hanging in there and find ways to respectfully make progress on those differences. Thank you for sharing.
This fits me and my wife to a “T”. I need a point in the right direction. Any ideas or tips-n-tricks. No financial issues. Just not clicking in our thinking or understanding each other. We both read the 5 love languages. She is a show me in actions person and I can’t remember mine. Anyways it is not the same as hers. I don’t know which way to go. Seems both ways are not good. I think I’m done. Let’s see what happens.
I started sleeping on the couch because of husband’s degrading actions after I just cleaned the bedroom, and after 2 nights of staying on the couch without having to deal with his outbursts..he asked if I was going to remain on the couch or come back up..no meaningful apology given. So I stay on couch and he brought all kinds of smelly hunting things and filthy sawdust covered junk up to bedroom..literally you CANNOT walk around the bed with all he put up there. 13 yrs. later I’m still on the couch. He doesn’t clean the upstairs at all and he sees nothing wrong with what he did…so I have to wonder if I ever had any value at all.
Also our 28 yr. old still lives here in her bedroom. When I tried to motivate her to fly the nest he totally told her she didn’t have to do anything. I said I try to keep my bits and pieces of the house clean but it blows my mind when the 2 of them take my new pans etc. that I worked hard for, use them and let them lay around filthy. My husband’s are in the sink after 6 weeks and the house now smells when you walk in the door. Cleaning up after them does NO good…leaving their mess does NO good…it only hurts me.
They don’t care. I never complained before because it takes less time to just clean everything but I babysit my grandkids 2 – 6d ays a week without much notice and I get tired and my husband has the nerve to complain nothing was made for his dinner or my daughter complains there’s stuff everywhere or I’m “out” again. I’ll go to grocery store just to “get away” from this very negative environment for small amount of time…driving with the radio just by myself has become my only enjoyment…especially since I have hard time doing my at home business since a brain injury 15 yrs. ago. I’ve lost all knowledge of how to connect anywhere positively..any help?
My husband does not communicate with me at all. But will with everyone else. Shows no concern over my disease. But wants to be taken care of when he sick. He hurts my feelings. I’m ocd like clean. He and his daughter and my grandkids are slobs; they refuse to help clean unless I raise a ruckus. He puts his daughter before me on everything conversation, illness, time, and ignores me unless I start conversation. We use to have fun. We don’t have sex ever since his daughter moved in. He thinks it’s all me I need to shut up and accept it. He won’t even look up my disease and depression to understand. But will if daughter gets sick and babies her. I’m beginning to hate him.
Pauline, you need to get help to try to find a way to get through to your husband. This will take your marriage down if you don’t. Once contempt comes into the relationship it is on the slippery slope to ending. Pray, try to find ways to lovingly talk to him about all of this, and if that doesn’t work, then find a “marriage friendly” counselor to talk to who specializes in step family situations. Here’s an article that talks about what a marriage friendly counselor is: https://marriagemissions.com/choosing-marriage-friendly-counselor/. Trust me, not all counselors are marriage-friendly. There are many who can actually hurt your marriage more than they help it.
Please read the article and please find a counselor to talk to about this. You need ideas on how to convince your husband to turn his eyes toward you and your marriage. You aren’t to shove his daughter and grandkids out of your lives, but instead, make sure they are placed into your priorities are better aligned so your marriage can grow, not die. Please don’t say that you can’t afford a counselor, because a divorce is MUCH more costly than a counselor will ever be. Most people don’t realize how high that cost is, and enter into it with blinders. Please get help for this. You –especially your husband– really need this. I hope you will.
Our son’s wife has a history of, after visiting us, twisting my words and making me look bad. VERY bad!
I’m a counselor and know ‘the ropes’. It’s the 3rd marriage for each of them so I’ve had experience with being a mother-in-law. I’ve had good relationships with the prior daughters-in-law. I’m keenly aware of my position as needing to be in the background.
She communicates these twisted truths to our son after they leave us, who then calls and brutally blasts me/us. Mostly me but my husband too. We’re completely taken off guard, never suspecting that our words could have been so misconstrued and misrepresented! Our son is VERY angry and says extremely angry and hurtful things. This happened again just before Christmas and I had a two week long bout with Irritable bowel syndrome.
My question is, should my husband defend me against such abuse? He says it’s between me and our son and that he doesn’t want to get involved and that I should handle it on my own. I’m left feeling pretty much alone and hung out to dry. It’s a lonely place! Should he defend me?
Gail, as a husband who did not defend his wife for a long time against attacks from my sister I can tell you unequivocally your husband needs to be (MUST BE) your defender against the attacks from your son via your daughter-in-law. Your husband is probably a lot like me – hates confrontation in any form and avoids it like the plague. I can’t explain the pain this caused my wife and sadly I let this go on for a number of years – UNTIL – I realized how unfair this was to Cindy. After all it was MY sister causing the problem. And the same would be true if it was MY/our son. As her husband I am called to be my wife’s protector/defender. If she is being assaulted (verbally or physically) it is my duty to step in and protect her (feelings or body).
The way I see it Gail, yes, it is your responsibility to try and work to repair the relationship with your daughter-in-law. And it is your husband’s responsibility to let your son know in no uncertain terms that HE and his wife are not allowed to verbally assault you. He should tell your son that “NO ONE, not even his son is allowed to talk to his wife that way and that it will stop NOW! Also, if they are having issues with you they need to sit down to talk and pray them through as adults (with him present) because yours is a household of mutual respect. You don’t badmouth them; they don’t badmouth you.”
Obviously, you can’t force your husband to man-up but I pray he will see his role, as uncomfortable as it will be, and have the courage to be your defender. Blessings!
Spot on!
My husband and I have been married for 5 months. We have been together for almost 5 years now. We have been long distance for the past 3 years (about 2.5 hours apart) because he is in residency, which was not really a problem for us before. Our plan was to move in together after he finished residency in June. A couple months after we got married he started intensely studying for his medical boards. While he was studying, he became pretty distant and had limited communications with me. I chalked it up to his studying and working his last year in residency until he e-mailed me that he was not happy and felt that I often snapped at him and things are not the same as before. I recognized what he said and we talked and I said I would work on it, which I truly think I have gotten a lot better. However, since then, he has continued to keep his distance and appear uninterested. He has already taken his test (and is now waiting for results), and he still didn’t seem to want to see each other either.
We finally talked in person. He listed a bunch of issues that he has with me, and that he just feels so down. Things that he has briefly mentioned in the past, but maybe I did not take seriously enough or think they would become deal breakers. I hear him loud and clear now, and will make changes, but I’m afraid he won’t give me a chance to do that. I also felt that once we move in together I can show him that I am changing. He also mentioned that he does not understand why he feels like this, but he is so down. He also feels that he needs to change too. He says he still loves me, and kept saying that he wouldn’t be there to talk if he didn’t care. He said he wants to run away. I wanted to see him again the next weekend and just agreed on one day. He thinks that he can fix this on his own, but I feel we need to figure this out together and take a real shot at this. We are both scared. I think he is afraid that we try and he will still feel like this. At this point, I am even okay with a leave at my job so we can live together now, but he says not to it. (I think he is worried that I will give up a good job and what if we don’t work out.)
I want to give him space to think, but I am worried that all of this distance will only make things worse. It is so hard to try to fix things when we do not live together and we rarely talk on the phone anymore. I don’t want to push too hard, but I don’t want to give up. We had lengthy discussions pre marriage about how marriage is super important and we will work hard on it, but now he seems so quick to throw in the towel for things that I think are fixable.
I feel completely lost about what he is thinking and how to fix this. I’m sure he is really stressed out about his test results and I know he has been realllly tired/exhausted. He worked 4-5 weeks straight with no days off as he started picking up extra shifts on the weekend, which I wasn’t sure he was doing to avoid me. I just feel lost and don’t know what to do. I really want to work on this, but he’s not giving me a chance to do that or an explanation of what is really going on! I asked him if he is depressed he said he is not because he still enjoys his job. I never thought we would be in this position…
I’ve been searching articles for several years just to gain insight and understanding to even help me figure out why I was feeling how I was feeling to help me better vocalize to my spouse because he always says hes tired of me complaining about the same issues. This article had me in tears because it completely breaks down exactly how I feel and view my marriage, my spouse, my thoughts and feelings. I’m grateful and maybe if I share it with my husband he can sit and think about it without my voice in his ear and we could start applying some of the “what to do” portion although I’ve suggested some of them already.