There’s an old saying that goes something like this, “If I had a dime for every time someone has said ____ to me, I’d be rich.” Have you heard that one? Well, we’re convinced that the saying, “God wants me to be happy” is a saying that would make us rich (sad in spirit… but rich financially) if we got paid every time, we heard that proclamation (excuse).
That seems to be the mantra of today’s world to justify one spouse leaving another. It’s as if vows that were made to each other and to God (often in front of witnesses), don’t need to be honored any longer, if one spouse is “unhappy” in their married life. Their present unhappiness overrules and nullifies all vows and promises that were made. The underlying message is: “Of COURSE, as God’s child He wants me to be happy! Right?”
Wrong. The scriptures do tell us that God wants to bless us and give us joy; however, we can’t overlook the scriptures that tell us that above all, God wants us to grow in character—to be like Jesus. After all, Jesus certainly wasn’t “happy” all the time. What about Him?
But God Wants Me Happy
Why didn’t God tell Jesus to hurt or destroy the guards who were punching at, and flogging Him and then ultimately crucifying Him? Why didn’t God tell Jesus to jump off the cross and run over to comfort and get comfort from His mother? Wasn’t her happiness important? And didn’t God the Father want His own son to be happy? Or is that just reserved for those who are unhappy in marriage, when things get tough?
And why are there so many scriptures that talk about the importance of persevering under trials, and lifting burdens to God, and “fighting the good fight” and being faithful to the end when we’re going through various tribulations? If, within this life on this side of heaven, God wants us to be happy, then what’s that all about?
And what about the abandoned spouse, and their children as well as others who love this couple AS a couple — doesn’t God care about their happiness? Doesn’t God want them to be happy?
Sadly, one of the excuses we often hear from the abandoning spouse is that leaving their spouse will eventually work for the betterment of everyone involved (their spouse, children, etc.). It will ultimately help to make THEM happy too. Seriously?
Rearranging Truth
It confounds us the blinders we can put upon our eyes! It’s amazing how we can finagle everything in our minds. We jumble them up like we’re looking through a living kaleidoscope, so they appear to be the way that makes sense to us. But oh, how stupid our reasoning can be from reality—especially reality, as God sees it!
There are several scriptures that say, “There is a way that looks wise to a man…” And in the full context of the scripture, it says that these people are fools to believe that way. “There is more hope for a fool than for him.” We believe that those words, “God would want me to be happy” are spoken by fools when they are applied to leaving a spouse because of their discontentment or unhappiness. (We’re not talking about unfaithfulness or abuse issues here, just to be clear. Those are different issues to be covered at another time in another platform. Please don’t attach those reasons to this Insight. We’re talking about leaving the marriage because we aren’t happy.)
So, here’s where we stand on this matter. Yes, God does ultimately want us to be happy. But that is not promised to us as an overall condition on this side of heaven. Now on the other side of Heaven—that’s a different matter. There will be no more pain or tears or unhappiness. And oh, how that makes heaven all the sweeter!
But on this side of Heaven, God cares more about our character and our walk with Jesus than He does about our comfort and our temporary happiness.
God Uses Unhappy Times
We have seen that God often uses unhappiness for good. Sometimes it even motivates us to reach down deep inside and especially up to God to use it for a greater good, when we commit it to Him. But we have to quit looking at life on this side of heaven as the place where we are to achieve our happiness.
We agree with Debra Fileta on this point:
“When we go into marriage with the idea that it’s meant for our happiness, we will be disappointed. No human has the capability to bring that kind of joy into our lives. They weren’t made to have that role. Marriage is not about being happy for the rest of our lives, it’s about becoming the best that we can be from this day forward as we learn to love another flawed human being and loving them anyway.” (From the Crosswalk article, “5 Reasons Marriage is Still an Amazing Idea)
We also agree with something Lisa Murray wrote concerning this matter:
“Instead of understanding God’s true purpose for marriage, we routinely view marriage based on what another person can do for us, what they can give us, and ultimately, how they make us feel about ourselves. Bottom line: If happiness is your primary expectation of marriage, you will most likely find yourself disillusioned and disappointed.” (From the Crosswalk article, “Does God Want Me to Stay in an Unhappy Marriage?”)
Actually, that’s the lie we fell into and almost let it take down our marriage. Our expectations of marriage AND each other was way too high. It was unrealistic and put too much pressure on us. It’s no wonder our marriage almost broke apart!
In addition
Here’s something else that Lisa said that sums up this point well:
“Bottom line: The less you view your spouse as your savior and more as your companion on this journey of life, the more likely you are to pursue your own healing and growth. This will lead to cultivating more realistic expectations for your marriage, ultimately yielding greater stability, peace, and yes, happiness.”
We hope all of this will spur you on to look at your marriage relationship more realistically so you don’t take your expectations into areas that you should not be walking.
If you want a little more info on this issue, here’s an article we wrote a while back that elaborates more on this “happiness in marriage” stance. Be aware; it can slide you into dangerous territory if you let it. We encourage you to read:
• LEAVING MARRIAGE BECAUSE GOD WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY
We hope and pray you have found all of this to be helpful!
“To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 1:11-12)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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Filed under: Marriage Insights