The importance of the harmony between the in-laws of the married couple is the subject of this article in choosing your partner. This article is as important, although we do not give it consideration in the countries of migration in particular. Harmony between the in laws was one of the most important considerations in the past era, not long ago it was given consideration even more than the will of God, love, understanding and harmony between the couple.
In counties of migration it has been neglected completely and that has caused many problems between the couples, which can lead to divorce in some cases because of the differences in spiritual, social and academic levels.
I do not believe in differentiating between classes but I speak from the experience of many years in counseling and because of my own experience in life for I am not a young person.
Because the importance of this subject we will give it some attention in this article.
Lack of harmony between the families in general will cause many problems because each family wants the new family to live their way and not the other family. One of the major problem will be in raising up the children because each partner will try to influence the child according to the values and the ways he or she are accustom to. For each parent will think that his or her way of upbringing was the right way. And if there are spiritual, social and academic difference we will find that each parent going in the opposite direction to the other.
The grandparents
In addition the grandparents will try to influence the way the parents raise up the children in a way that can vary from one family to another, regardless whether the father or the mother of the child agrees to that influence or not. In some cases the grandparents criticize the daughter in-law or the son in-law for the way they raise their own children. The grandparent usually think that they have raised up their son or daughter better than the other in-laws, and woe to whoever disagrees with them, and it does not matter if their ways agree or disagree with the ways of our Lord Jesus.
In general the mother in-law is one who criticizes and attacks the daughter or the son in-law forgetting that she lives in their home,(that is the way it is normally goes in migrating countries, the parents lives with their married sons and daughters) the mother wants to be the ruler in the house of her son or daughter. If she is the mother of the husband the house becomes her son’s and not the wife’s, and if she is the mother of the wife the house becomes her daughter’s and not the house of the husband.
Frankly the mother in-law should know that the home she lives in is the house of the husband and the wife together and not her own. The mother in law has to understand that she is a guest in the house and she has to give respect to the daughter or son in-law.
The role of the culture
It is the fault of the culture in which the mother in-law is raised in, in the eastern culture she is not given the chance to be the lady of the house. The eastern culture teaches that the wife takes the second, third and fourth place after the mother. Simply the mother takes first place and that applied also to the daughter in laws because Islam teaches that the mother takes first and second and third place. This is not the teaching of our Lord Jesus Christ, who teaches us the man should leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two become one flesh.
There is a difference between the bond that binds the husband and the wife, and the bond in the relationship between the sons or daughters and their parents. The bond between husband and wife should be far stronger than the bond between the parent and their sons and daughters. It is normally the husband has every right in the marriage but the wife has no right in this marriage.
Our age
Now we live in a different age as we have access to vast media and information, contrary to the fifties and the sixties where the ultimate media was radio and primitive TV programs. We have cables channels, which discusses every kind of topics and subjects and we have access to many information. We have the Internet, which is a source of knowledge at our fingertips, and we have huge number of books on every topic in all languages. Mother in-laws have to understand that what they accepted in the past from their in-laws will never be accepted now from their daughter in-law.
I do encourage the daughter in-law and son in-law not to accept anything outside the teaching of the Bible, for the Bible has all the answers. There a wrong teaching now in the Coptic orthodox church which says that the Bible did not answer all question we face in life and they add some of their own wisdom to life matters and they claim it is the teaching of the early fathers teachings. I say this to who ever claim this; the Bible answers everything and whoever says this he does not know the Bible and that is a very bad excuse. The early fathers teaching was never outside the teaching of the Bible.
Main advice
The following is advice to people who want to get married, when you choose your future partner please consider the following aspects:
1. Identify the most important aspects of your life, if you are a committed Christian you must choose a Christian family. If you are academic person do not be a part of a family who regards education as an unnecessary issues . If you are an organized person and care about cleanness do not choose a family who are disorganized and careless because at the end of their visit your home will be trashed.
2. If a girl is married to the older son who is very favored by his family, you will face a challenge, which could be more than you can handle. You could be in a place where the mother in-law considers you not a daughter in-law but rather the woman that snatched her husband from her and that will end the marriage very quickly. I would like to clear this point, the mother who never received love and appreciation from her husband, and receives that love and appreciation from her son will be very jealous from her daughter in-law. This is evident in the eastern societies but not prominent in the western societies. So if you read this article and you are a western girl and thinking of marrying an eastern man; you have to know all this facts because if you do not know all these facts you will be shocked to know that your mother in-law takes first place ahead of you.
3. The person who is getting married has to understand the financial responsibilities that will come with this marriage. The financial burden that the Egyptian family imposes on their sons is unbelievable and sometimes it comes with no appreciations at all. Sometimes this demand requires the wife to work and can be real burden especially when that burden is a luxury and not a need.
What are the solutions?
Some may say no one can avoid all of these issues. Yes you can avoid a lot of them by discussing all of these issues before marriage and even before engagement; before it becomes too late and nothing you can do about it. If you find your future partner giving excuses and justification to his parent and not addressing your concerns, my suggestion to you is to avoid this marriage for it is better to stay single than to be in a marriage crippled by such problems.
A word for the ministers of the word of God
I hope the ministers of the Bible to give the advise of the Bible only and not of Islam. When a wife comes to you complaining of her in-law injustice, please do not tell her you have to be patience for they are his family. The Bible says a man should leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife (I will not stop taking about this topic until every one know this truth, husband, wife, in-law, and the ministers of the Bible) I hope that the ministers of the Bible deliver this truth to the in-law in time of counseling and their opinion should be very clear on this issue.
I pray for the wisdom of our Lord Jesus to be in your lives so we may live by His profitable Word.
This article was written by Sabah Nasr (born in Egypt, married to Saad), and was originally featured on the former web site Spirtandtruth.org/au.