They talk a lot about using “protection” when you have sexual relations with someone (other than your spouse). But what if you are haunted by thoughts of your past? As someone (unknown) once said,
“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”
And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else? And how do you stop playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? Plus, how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?
When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, “God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,“ but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.
As Brian and Heather Jamison said:
“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”
Brian and Heather have learned a lot that has helped them to deal with this issue. They share what they learned plus the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” in the linked article below. I encourage you to read:
“It’s true, you can’t get your virginity back. You’ll never be the person you once were. You can, however, be stronger and wiser than you were before, and more able to resist what you know is wrong.”
The above statement came from Laurel L. Cornell. She knows only too well, how a person can be haunted with memories after having had sex before marriage. But as she says, you can become wiser than before. You can also be stronger than you ever could imagine at this time.
She wrote an article that is posted on the Marriagetrac.com web site that addresses those who are married and those who are not yet married. It is written to women who want to feel clean again and not plagued by feelings and images of the past they want to forget.
I encourage you to read:
On this same issue, below you will find a link to an article written by Christie Mohamed. Christie is a young gal who gives hope to those who have done things they now regret. Plus, she gives insight into ways to deal with it and experience freedom and forgiveness. Please read:
I know this is a lot to take in, as far as all of the reading I’m recommending you do. But please know that this is a journey you are on. It’s one that is different for everyone who has had to deal with this issue. I’m hoping that as you read you will glean from each article some things that God is speaking to you. I pray that you will gain some “ah hah moments” where you’ll think, “I never thought of that before… that really helps.”
The important thing is that you don’t get stuck in continuing to do that, which you know is wrong. Also, don’t get stuck in regrets. They will paralyze you in ways that will cause you NOT to go backwards in your spiritual growth.
To learn a bit more on this please read:
For those of you who are not married, here is something written by Dr Greg and Michael Smalley. It is posted on the Marriagetrac.com web site and is something that would be helpful to read:
• SEVEN STEPS TO REGAINING AND MAINTAINING VIRGINITY
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
More from Marriage Missions
Filed under: Sex Before Marriage Sexual Issues
(AUSTRALIA) Oh, and I should add that I myself also cheated on my first partner a couple of times towards the end of our 7 year relationship… which I know was wrong and that you should never repay one bad act for another. But it was really like I said before of me looking for someone to love me. I had given up on this first one ever loving me or marrying me, and being so young, I had just had no clue at all! I did not have a good religious or moral upbringing so no guidance.
I just wish I could have that purity I felt when I was a virgin returned to me. There is nothing like it, and once gone gone forever!! I feel devastated. Why don’t we teach children in schools about this instead of teaching them about stupid condoms and STD’s?!!! Its ridiculous!! I am a perfect example of the brokeness that pre marital sex brings!
(UK) I have been hurt and feel betrayed when I recently found out that my husband who I married 7 yrs ago, had premarital sex. We are both Christians and I have never even held a man’s hand till I met my husband during my first night of marriage. He has been a loving kind and caring man and has always been faithful throughout our marriage but what hurts me is that he never confided to me that he was not a virgin.
I am willing to forgive his past because that was before he even met me and he is faithful to me since he met me but what I am really hurt by is the fact that he kept it as a secret all these years.
I confronted him recently about it and said that it’s okay, it was in the past but there should be no secrets. I asked him how many women he had slept with before marriage, but he refuses to say and says he does not know whether I could handle the truth about his past before marriage and whether I would accuse him of his transgressions when we fight. He says he loves me but still will not tell me clearly about his past.
Should I just forgive him this once for his sin of hiding this from me and move on for the sake of our marriage and on account of him being loving and faithful since marriage? We also have 2 beautiful children. I love him deeply and want to put this behind us. But i don’t think I will ever be the same again.
(UK) To all those tormented by their spouse’s past history of premarital sex including myself (lllllll), I have been doing a lot of thinking since finding out about my husband’s past- naked images of him entering other women in bed keep stabbing at my heart. I love him very much and this has hurt me and my confidence inspite of him being faithful and loving since marriage.
It is at least comforting to know that I am not alone, that there are other married women hurt like me, looking desperately at the internet for answers as there is no one you can go to. I have read so much and thought so much that its affected the way I work in my job, the way I look after my kids and I suddenly burst out in tears now and then even while doing simple tasks like housework or driving. And I suddenly realised this is affecting my mental and physical health.
Man will obviously be motivated by sexual pleasure and before marriage if a woman is giving it with no strings, it’s a temptation they cant resist.
You could have been naughty too before marriage but saved yourself for the one you will marry and love for your whole life. Trust me –when I have talked to promiscuous girls –the irony is they tell me I missed nothing- men who are jerks who wanted a quick shag, not loving you, not calling you, using you, getting pelvic infections and making you feel used. So you didn’t miss out on anything great.
I think the answer is to let the past go –forgive his past –don’t let it ruin your marriage –it’s been going good for last 7 years and he loves and cares for me and I’m the one he married and is sleeping with today, not those other women. Forgive him -let God be the judge, not you. If this is the only thing that’s a problem in your marriage, then believe me –let it go –don’t ruin your present and future for an old thing of the past. He loves you; he is with you now and that’s what’s important.
I have found prayer extremely helpful in helping me heal. Pray to God asking you to forgive him for his past –don’t be a victim of something that happened ages ago –after the covenant he has only been with you. Also, don’t keep accusing him and lashing out, it will hurt him. He is not proud of his past so don’t keep reminding him of it. Don’t let an old thing of the past ruin your sex life. Put this behind you. He chose you to be his wife, not them and you both love each other.
I pray for all those hurt like me in marriage that we can be the bigger person and forgive our spouse’s sin of the past before he even met us. That’s what marriage is about –to forgive and to stick in times of good and bad. lllllll
(USA) I got married 5 years ago. I was a virgin until wedding night. I have never had a BF before. So my first kiss, my first romantic relationship was with my husband. We never discussed sexual pasts before our wedding but after getting married we did and my husband lied for all the years that he was a virgin.
Recently I found out that he was not. He says he has confessed his sins to God and was a “born again virgin” and hence never mentioned to me. I feel very cheated and am going through hell since I came to know about this. I have so many mixed feelings. Though I know it was my obligation and my absolute responsibility to save myself for spouse and I did, I feel I shouldn’t have. I feel my wait had no worth; (I even feel like just sleeping with someone else just to get back at my husband even though I am disgusted by the thought and will never do it).
I love my spouse more than anything in this world but I just cant get over this. He was saved and a Christian (the other women was not) when he had premarital sex which is even painful ;(
(ENGLAND) I recommend Restoring the Christian Family
by John and Paula Sandford as a premarital book to read.
I have never had sex before and in addition to this was sexually abused by my father. After many years of therapy I finally prayed that God would introduce me to the man he wanted me to marry. Thinking that God was a loving God who would not allow me to be hurt I put every ounce of trust into God and went ahead and entered into a non-sexual relationship. This man admitted to four relationships. Given our age, I could just about accept this. One day I kissed him. He immediately presumed sex was in the cards and made my life an absolute misery. He then admitted to fifteen other women he had slept with. Even though I was thin, when I didn’t give into what he wanted he would tell me I was too fat. My weight plummeted to 6.5 stone. I was at death’s door. He didnt care.
He routinely humiliated me in public and disreguarded my past as a sexual abuse victim. I started to cut my arms with razor blades and thought about suicide. He kept on saying he enjoyed seeing me and then abused me. The feeling of impotent rage welled up and I suffered from a depression like no other because I wasted 6 precious years of my life waiting for hm to change whilst simultaneously looking after my disabled my mother my dad retired.
Even though I was at death’s door the first thing my dad said was that he didn’t want me around and to go away. Because I had no where to go I refused. For refusing to leave the home he called the police 17 times to have me physically removed from the house. All of the neighbours were gossiping, and I got a terrible reputation with the police. Dad pretended that I had a psychiatric condition and tried to get me sectioned.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ABSTAIN FROM SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. YOU THINK IT IS HARMLESS, FORGIVABLE FUN. IT ISNT. IT DESTROYS LIVES. I DON’T TRUST ANYONE ANYMORE. I WILL DIE LONELY, MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY. AND THIS, ALL BECAUSE I HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MEET THIS MAN AND TO BE BORN TO A PERVERSE FATHER. IN MY OPINION MEN ARE A DISGRACE. THEY DO NOT DESERVE TO BE IN CHARGE OF CHURCHES.
(USA) I am 20 and my boyfriend is also. We’ve been best friends since we were 11. We got together early this year and things just started moving faster than I knew how to stop. I was a virgin and I knew he’d slept with his previous girlfriend (I was the one giving him advice most of the time). He really didn’t push me into anything like some of you might be thinking. I’d already gone really far with a few past boyfriends so many of the “foreplay” actions were old hat to me. I’ve never told him that. Even though I know his history with how bad it’s been hurting me, I don’t want to cause him the pain of telling him mine.
But we’d been spending the night together a lot and one night when we were all alone we went all the way. Honestly it just happened. He was even upset about it, worried that he’d pushed me into something I didn’t want or moved too fast. He promised to marry me, saying he won’t make the same mistake twice. Even though his last girlfriend broke up with him, he didn’t leave her, he still feels guilty about “ruining” her. I believe he’ll really marry me. We can’t now because he had to move for work and I’m stuck here in college. Besides my parents and his would flip over how rushed it is. So we’ll be waiting a few years.
But now whenever we see each other we fall into the same sin again. It feels impossible to just wait those few years if I stay with him. The only way I feel like I could go back to refusing to do it before marriage is if I left him and met someone else. And then I’m not even sure. But I don’t want to leave him. I’ve had a crush on him forever and all those years he was with his previous girlfriend killed me inside. I feel like I’ve finally gotten the only thing I’ve ever wanted and now because of one mistake I have to give up on him or stop trying to follow God’s will.
I haven’t told him this because I know that he’ll feel guilty and it’s not all his fault. It’s half my fault. And all this guilt is all me. I don’t want to make him feel bad. I guess his feeling is that since he’s going to marry me it doesn’t matter what we do now. He’d probably stop if I told him. But he’d feel so guilty too and it would hurt me to have caused that. I don’t want to leave him. He’s my childhood crush, my first love and my best friend. I don’t even want to hurt him. I’ve watched him get hurt enough over the years.
Nichole, I know that love has a strong pull. Yet, you need to know that how you live your life not only affects you today, but in the future BIG TIME. I encourage you to read through the topic, “Sex Before Marriage,” and also the topic, “Is He or She the One.” Please don’t let your emotions dictate the type of foundation you are building today for your future. You’ve already put some things into motion that will make it difficult to slow down and then stop, but this is not an impossible situation. Please pray, read, pray, and proceed wisely in how you live your life. You and this young man BOTH need to do so. I hope you will. You seem like a really caring, loving young woman. I hope you will make wiser decisions for the future.
(USA) I am not a virgin. I have had two children –one at age 16 & one at age 20. My sons do not share the same father. My youngest son’s father & I are currently still in a relationship (only a year & a half). We have both rededicated our lives to Christ. We do live together. There are so many things I have done wrong at this point in our relationship & I so desperately want to correct them as much as possible. I do not believe that we have to continue doing things wrong.
Our premarital sex is a major issue that weighs on my heart daily. Cutting off our sexual relationship until marriage, to me, seems to be the right thing to do but I don’t see that as being a realistic solution. I’m also not sure of how receptive he would be of the idea. I’m not sure what to do in this situation. I want to live right & I know we would both like to put our family in order with God’s word. Please, I would genuinely appreciate advice or past experiences to help me. Thank you.
(NIGERIA) I thank God for this site. I am 25 plus and have never had sex in my life. Its not been easy. I have always been honest and faithful in my relationships. But I don’t know why these guys leave me. They say who I am not. The last guy, I discovered compared me with his ex. When I don’t try making him feel loved by kissing him and having intimate romance with him, he did tell me he hopes I won’t be frigid when he marries me.
To cut the whole story short he left me. I was broken and still am coz I didn’t do any wrong. I am now trying to get back onto my feet. I am now scared of havng a relationship with any guy. I love the Lord. But found out coz of rejection, I satisfy my sexual desire via viewing porn sites and masturbating. I hate what I’ve become. I feel like just having sex with any guy, because no guy needs me either. I am hurt and need help.
I’m so sorry that you have had such a difficult time with guys wanting more from you sexually than you should give, because you are not married, and more than they should ask for. A man (or woman) who would ask this of someone they claim that they “love” and want to spend the rest of their lives with, show that they love themselves and their needs more than anyone else’s –yours or God’s. They want what they want when they want it and if you won’t give it to them, then they will let you go and look elsewhere. Honestly, as much as your heart breaks over this, you are being shown a glimpse into their character and spiritual life. Selfism is what consumes them, more than love for you and love for God. There is more trouble ahead waiting for the person who will marry them as long as they are so caught up in getting their carnal needs met at the expense of their partner’s conscience.
Please don’t lower your standards. There are many, many spouses who are living with BIG-TIME regrets because they gave into the pressure by the person they were to marry to have sex before marriage because this other person wouldn’t stop pressuring them. They later found out that this was the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, as far as other selfish needs their spouse would seek to satisfy. Their self-centered demands before marriage got worse in other ways after marriage.
As far as satisfying yourself on porn sites and such, please go into the “Pornography and Cybersex” topic on this web site and read through the articles that cover the subject of women who indulge in pornography. You are inviting a man who is not your husband into your sexual life, as you keep viewing pornography. Whether it’s a man viewing it or a woman, it’s wrong. Please save yourself for your husband (if you are to marry), and don’t cheapen yourself by inviting into your life, images of others posing in ways that is sexually explicit. This can eventually taint any type of sexual experience you could have with a future husband. The sexual experience is precious and sacred, and is to be contained within the context of marriage, not be violated earlier than marriage either physically or visually. I hope you will save yourself in ALL ways, for your sake, for the sake of a future marriage relationship, and because it’s what God wants of us.
(ZIMBABWE) I am inspired by your messages guys. I did not know who to ask or tell until I accidentally found this page. I am 22. On the 23rd of October last year, a prayerful, elderly lecturer from my college came to me and told me God had shown him my future husband. He also said God told him in the vision that I should stop having sex with my boyfriend or anyone else before marriage. It was my first time to talk to this man. We prayed together and he told me to leave my boyfriend and asked me to wait for ‘that man’ in the vision.
I left my boyfriend. I then got involved with a 34 year old divorced man. He drinks less but he is prayerful. We ended up having premarital sex, even though I had been determined that I wouldn’t have sex again before marriage. Now I have been diagnosed with an STI. I would want to believe God is punishing me. This man says he wants to marry me. He has introduced me to his family.
My question is could I have missed my miracle? Also, I’m now scared. I wronged God knowingly after having been given a warning. Will God forgive me if I change my behaviour? I want to make my life right with God. This man seems not to be prepared to stop sleeping with me. What should I do? I’m at the point of breaking.
(CHINA) Hi, I am 19 years and have been going out since I was 15. I lost my virginity about 6 mnths after dating. Truth is, we started the relationship with the intention of marriage. We were both virgins at the time. Currently he’s 26. I love him very much and we plan on getting married in the coming year, but I always feel guilty that we didn’t wait till marriage. I live in uncertainty. I think if we live to see our honeymoon, there will be nothing to look forward to. We’ve had so many problems. Four years hasn’t been easy. I need help.
(USA) I believe entering a covenant with God and abstaining from sex is an admirable decision. After reading through many of these posts, it is evident that so much pain could have been avoided by simply saving yourself for your spouse. If you expect to get married, I believe it is the most sacred gift you can give God, your spouse and yourself.
I too have remained a virgin to save myself for my (anticipated) future husband. Maintaining my virginity was not easy, and prayer got me through many tempting situations. I had always hoped to get married, become a wife and raise a family. Unfortunately, that has not happened for me and I am approaching the end of my child bearing years (42).
As the years have passed I have thrown myself into my career and have become very successful, independent and self sufficient. In the last year, my desire to marry and have children has changed but I still want to experience sex. However, after so many years and so much effort to resist temptation it is very hard if not impossible to give in. I wrestle with the emotional aspect and many times I have regretted my decision to abstain. It’s almost as if I gave up a piece of me for a covenant with no return. I wish I had allowed myself to experience sex in my teens or twenties that way it would not be so hard for me to enjoy myself today.
I’m not saying breaking this covenant is the right thing to do or that sex will be fulfilling outside of marraige, however, I am saying that it is possible to experience regret on this side of the covenant too.
(CANADA) Hi, I have a bit of a pickle situation that I’ve been wondering about, which I’m hoping I can get some clarification on it. I’m 21 years old. I was in a wonderful relationship with a great Believer. We started getting serious and then fell into sexual sin. We decided to break it off, in respect of my parents’ wishes (they wanted us to grow up a bit more before becoming so serious about each other), but in spite of the ended relationship, we continued indulging in the sin.
Now, about 9 months later, we still love each other greatly and would love to get married in a few years. We’re currently going through accountability to keep our friendship pure and are working to make sure our lives are right with the Lord. My question is, do you think God would still approve of us entering into marriage with each other? Would our union be blessed and wise? Or is it too late? Have we already spoiled our chances of being together?
Sims, I love your heart! And yes, God would still “approve” of your marriage. God will honor your repentant and obedient hearts. He won’t erase your memories that you wish you didn’t have or your regrets, but He will not hold your past behavior against you. Just make sure you do all you can to seek the Lord in your relationship. We have the topic, “Sex Before Marriage” and also “Is He or She the One,” which would be good to go through to make sure you each ask yourselves the right questions. And if you still feel that your relationship is a good one to pursue, then read some of the recommended resources together and go into the “Marriage Preparation Materials” topic to continue talking and learning more about each other. But it’s important not to isolate yourselves so temptation is easier to fall into. Stay out in public view or with others around you. When you’re off on your own, temptation comes knocking.
You might also want to check out the Boundless.org web site. They have a lot of great articles to read on the subject of being pure in your relationship and helping you to deal with your past. You can sign up for their free E-newsletter, which will be helpful in your pursuit to make sure you’re on the right track while you’re still single. I pray the best for you and this young man –whether together or apart — that you will both seek God’s will and His heart for you.
(NIGERIA) I am 24, engaged to a young man. Both of us love the Lord and are against premarital sex. We have begun to love each other and grow in intimacy in our courtship. Our marriage will also be coming up God willing, in 4 months time. My fiance happened not to be living in the same state with me but we talk very often on phone.
Just a few nights ago while chatting, our discussion tilted into sex issues and we started discussing how we will enjoy the act, started demonstrating and describing it. In fact, we practically had sex on phone. The Holy Spirit convicted us of sin and we asked God and each other for forgiveness. But I still feel very bad and thoughts and pictures of that event have continued to trouble me. Please, I need help. We recognise that we have sinned and trust God it won’t happen again. But I am afraid it may affect us tomorrow.
(USA) That is over-whelming in this day and age of Sodom and Gomorrah you are so convicted over that but in light of what it all actually was and what the two of you have done about it, I would say you are good to go. God says if truly repentant He does forgive. Sounds like it’s all settled now. He says you are forgiven.
I’m replying because you ask for someone to help and trust me, although your thoughts were sin, it’s refreshing in light of all the horror I and the rest have been through. You are on God’s Holy right path!
Once married you will live as husband and wife as a beautiful testimony to what God really intended from us in marriage and enjoy sex for it’s true wonderful intention.
I’m so proud to have read your story. Hang on, it won’t be long now. God will bless you for waiting. Do always remember how you feel now and keep your vows, no matter what. You are meant to be one flesh and best friends. Love and prayers to you both.
(UNITED STATES) Someone please give me some advice! Me and my fiance had premarital sex about a month ago. We both hold Christian beliefs, were both virgins, and wanted to wait until marriage but gave in due to our physical bodies and such. Me and him beforehand actually prayed and prayed and spoke to God beforehand. We made the promise in our hearts and before God that we were married, because we have been together for about a year and a half now and knew almost immediately after we began dating that our relationship was meant to last. Our public marriage date is in two years.
Is it wrong that we didnt wait for a priest to preside over our marriage? Will God judge us for this or does he look down upon us with disapproval? I do not believe that he does, but I was curious.
Tiffany, I’m not sure why you’re waiting for two years to get married in “public.” If it’s to have a big wedding or to get past schooling or such, I’m not sure it’s a better deal to wait to marry. I’d be more inclined to go ahead with the wedding sooner, rather than later than to carry on the way you are with each other. I hear of this over and over again where a couple will pledge their version of “marriage” in quiet and wait to marry officially, only to eventually break up and the woman especially carries HUGE regrets for the rest of her life. They were both so sure that all was well, but it wasn’t.
You can’t go against God’s ways and expect your life and actions to be blessed. (Adam and Eve and all of mankind –if they’re spiritually aware, has sure learned that.) We’re told not to open the gift of sexuality until we marry (and that means marrying before other witnesses and God and some type of official that is recognized by the state). We’re fooling ourselves to think that if we don’t do it God’s way, all will be well. For some unexplained reason, it chinks away at the relationship. And when times get tough –like they do in every marriage, it’s the promise –the open declaration of a vow to each other that helps to hold us together until times get better again. Without that open vow, for some reason, you find yourself upon slippery ground.
You say that you’re okay with doing it this way… then why did you do it in secret? And why are you asking if you don’t have some tinge of doubt and perhaps uneasiness? And why don’t you openly declare this to everyone that you believe you are married? I believe that you are trying to justify something that you know to be wrong and are trying to put a “right” spin upon it. Again, you can’t go against God’s ways and expect to get away with it –that your relationship will be blessed.
Personally, I don’t care if you do it this way. It doesn’t affect me. But if God says not to and you do it… you have way more to consider than my approval. You both need to consider the consequences if you keep going on this way. You can’t fool your conscience and you can’t hide from God. If He says “no,” then you’d be a fool to say “yes,” by your actions. That’s just the way I see it. You do what you want… but remember there is a price to pay for doing things in secret and against God’s ways.
(US) Please, I hope there’s someone out there. I lost my virginity at a young age. I had 7 partners but God called out to me and I was reborn again. I was not sexually active until recently. I felt that the next man I was with, that would have me in that way, would be my spouse. This young man that I have been seeing for two years has come into my life and I gave him my spiritual virginity. He was and has been so upset because physically he could see that I had been with several people and he had only been with a few. He has threatened to break up with me so many times because of this. I feel broken. I do feel guilt because I made that mistake and I don’t feel worthy of my husband. I don’t know what to do.
(USA) There IS hope for you, Mariah. Read I John 1:9 and ask God to cleanse you of past memories, etc. You are forgiven, and God will give you the strength to walk in a new way, living pure for Him. Seek counsel from a Christian pastor or counselor, or even a mature Christian woman in your area. I believe you could acknowledge to your boyfriend that you have hurt him by your past and ask his forgiveness. But I would be careful giving him too many details. It will only haunt him. That’s why I suggest you seek Godly counsel.
(CANADA) I wrote about my situation further down. I understand your boyfriend’s pain –there’s a deep sense of invasiveness at having one’s wife/spouse having been with anyone else. It takes a lot of work not to see one’s past as a current betrayal. I talked with 2 other friends who were in similar situations (in both cases, my male friends had been sexually active before marriage, and their virgin wives-to-be were struggling with that fact).
At the same time, he seems like a hypocrite for having been with others himself (it doesn’t deeply matter that it’s ‘only a few’) –he should be far more understanding of your situation, since he himself has participated in illicit relationships. How do you feel about his past relationships?
Your guilt shouldn’t be a permanent all-encompassing thing. It’s very important that you put those sinful relationships, and the patterns that led to them, out of your life. I admit that I don’t see your whole situation, but it sounds like he’s willing to take advantage of you sexually, and then turn around and complain that you’ve been taken sexual advantage of by others. He can’t have it both ways (and if he’s serious about his faith, he must see that God’s mercy can forgive these sins –that God truly wants you to walk in repentant freedom). As another man, I question his motives if he is willing to be sexually intimate with you outside marriage, and then complain that you’ve done the same with others.
(CANADA) My wife and I have been married for 16 1/2 years. We dated for 2 years prior to our wedding, and after the first year, she confessed to me that she had been unchaste with 3 high school boyfriends, including the 3rd one, with whom she had intercourse (her first and only other sexual partner besides me). During this 3rd dating relationship, she encountered a person of faith, who gave her an example of someone who lived God’s will, and she was convicted that she needed to change her life. Eventually, she broke up with that boyfriend, and resolved to live according to God’s will herself. Since the 3rd boyfriend, she lived chastely, and after about 5 years, she and I got together and got married.
I was a virgin until our wedding night, but the thought of her being unchaste has been with me throughout our marriage, especially with the 3rd boyfriend. A few years ago, I brought up that I thought about it, particularly when we were being intimate, and that I struggled with it -it was a hurtful shock to her. She’s told me some details, but I’ve been asking her to ‘tell me all’ for a while. To me, it seems like one possible way both to fully know her, and to fully confront how it may be affecting us. She says that she doesn’t think about it except when I bring it up, but there have been little signs that it may not be far from her thoughts.
I have no rational doubts as to her faithfulness -the whole time I’ve known her, she’s been a genuine, devoted Christian –including maintaining high standards with me during our dating and courtship. It’s my irrational side that obsesses and wants to face everything directly –to know everything about it –to know what it meant to her back then, and how it has impacted her views about relationships –to sift through it and explore how it may be impacting us now. I don’t want to hurt her, but I have to be honest that for a long time I was repressing the hurt that I felt, and that it came out in other ways –hurting her (and sometimes our children) when I argued about nonsensical things, or become noncommunicative (I’ve also used it as an excuse to escape to pornography at various times).
I’d appreciate any advice from people who have taken the ‘all out in the open’ approach. I’ve had some advice counselling against this (and she is reluctant to talk about it fully, to prevent her from starting to think about those past relationships). I’m open to hearing more from this perspective, but I’m especially interested if anyone has positive experience from this approach –whether the more complete knowledge helped develop fuller intimacy and communion with your spouse. For a time, I feared having a relatively cold relationship with her for the rest of our lives –but the last couple years have definitely made us feel closer (although it still hurts her when I initiate conversations about her past), and she has thanked me for initiating at least some of these conversations. I definitely feel much more hope, even though I still go through some periods of despair.