A marital Healing Separation is a structured time apart. This can help a couple to heal a relationship that isn’t working. It can also help revitalize and renew the relationship so it is working. The intent of this time of separation is to move it from neediness to health.
A successful Healing Separation requires that both partners be committed to personal growth. They also commit to creating a healthier relationship with each other. This framework will allow them the opportunity to carve out a more fulfilling relationship with each other.
Healing Separation
The Healing Separation is like the old-style “trial separation” that involves living apart from each other for a while. Unlike unstructured separations, however, the Healing Separation is a working separation. It is a time where you and your partner dedicate yourselves to investing in your own personal growth.
The Healing Separation is a creative way to strengthen both partners. It also helps to build a new relationship without dissolving the partnership.
Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:
1. I will provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship. This is so I can enhance my personal, spiritual, and emotional growth.
2. This is a time to better identify my needs, and wants. The expectations of our relationship also needs to be better identified.
3. It is to help me explore my basic relationship needs.
4. I realize I will experience social, economic, and parental stresses. These, of course, can occur when I separate from my partner.
5. This time allows me to work through my process better apart than I can within the relationship.
6. Additionally, it helps me to experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues that have become convoluted with my partner’s issues.
7. It provides an environment to help our relationship heal, and transform. This is so it will evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.
Some structure and awareness can help improve the chances of success of the healing separation. Unplanned and unstructured separations will most likely contribute to the end of the relationship. This separation agreement attempts to provide structure and guidelines. This is to enhance the growth of the relationship rather than contributing to its demise.
Key Elements of the Healing Separation Agreement:
1. Length of separation:
Most couples have a sense of how long of a separation they’ll need. It may vary from a few weeks to six months or longer.
2. Time to Be Spent Together:
A healing separation ideally should include some quality time together on a regular basis. This allows us the opportunity to create a new relationship with each other.
3. Personal Growth Experiences:
Ideally a healing separation would include as many personal growth experiences as practical, and helpful.
4. Living Arrangements:
Experience has shown that the in-house separation, with both parties living in the same home, results in a less creative experience. It may not give enough emotional space to the person who needs it.
5. Financial Decisions:
Some couples decide to continue joint checking and savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.
6. Motor Vehicles:
Ownership and titles are not to be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the relationship.
7. Children:
When a couple does a Healing Separation, the goal is to minimize the emotional trauma for the children involved.
This article contains excerpts from the article, “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.” It is written by Bruce Fisher, Ed.D.. The original copy article was sent to us from: Smartmarriages® at Smartmarriages.com.
— ADDITIONALLY —
We encourage you to read these articles on the specifics of a Healing Separation:
• I Think We Need a Separation in our Marriage. What Does the Bible Say?
• WHY AND HOW TO PURSUE A HEALING SEPARATION
— ALSO —
• THE HEALING SEPARATION: An Alternative to Divorce
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(U.S.A) I left my husband because it was the only way we would be able to make some sense of our relationship. Living together was getting very destructive. We were blending family’s, incomes, and me and my daughter had to move in with him and his son. They lived in a different county.
We are married 8 months and fighting everyday bad. It is his 3rd and my 2nd marriage. We are both are really scared, so with the fear and everything else, I had to leave or we would never make it. I am going to a counselor 2 days a week and he is going to a counselor. We have been apart 6 weeks and have seen each other one weekend and it does not seem like it is getting any better. He is very angry. I really want us to have a health relationship and I really felt this was the only way. He didn’t.
(USA) Barbara, One question: was the decision for you to leave mutual, as in you and your husband talked, and the two of you mutually and enthusiastically agreed this was the best course of action? Or did you just decide on your own? If the latter, that may explain some of the anger.
Obviously, if he didn’t feel this was the way, and you did it anyway, that’s going to create some really bad feelings and give him the impression you cannot be trusted.
I see now at the end of your post that he thought otherwise, but you did this anyway. So understand, that is likely a very big part of his current anger.
I’m not saying what you felt was wrong. I’m just saying to understand that unilateral action is seldom, if ever the way to resolve marriage issues. It doesn’t matter if he’s acting unilaterally or you are. Leaving unilaterally is NOT a controlled separation.
What is the plan for re-uniting? You’ve left. But what is the plan for returning? What do you have to correct in your own behavior before you return? What do you want him to address?
It cannot be all about his bad behavior, and frankly, you deciding to leave without him being enthusiastic sends the message that he’s the problem. He may be PART of the problem, but I doubt he’s the entire problem.
So what is your plan? Or better yet, ask him to make a plan. If he wants you to return, then ask him to make a plan and the two of you can work on tweaking the plan so that both of you are enthusiastic about it.
Frankly, being apart is about the worst way to come together, especially if there is no plan in place that both of you can enthusiastically agree upon.
(USA) Hi Barbara, I have to say that I love your heart. I sense from your comment that you really want your marriage to work, but you felt that something had to interrupt the downward spiral your relationship was taking with all of the fighting that was going on. You felt that separating and giving each other some breathing room and time to re-evaluate things, was the only choice you could make at the time. But I also sense that you left so that you could eventually come back to a more peaceable situation. I pray you are right.
I don’t know your circumstances. I don’t know if there are cultural differences that are getting in between you and your husband — plus many other “baggage” and gender difference issues, as well as plain old every day differences that happen when two people try to blend their lives and marry. Whatever the problems, you can still bridge them, but it will take a lot of intentionality and mature thinking to do so. I think Tony hit on something good in what he recommended, as far as a solution to your going back together.
While I don’t entirely agree that a couple can always come to a “mutual and enthusiastic” agreement on everything before they proceed with decisions that need to be made (because some men and some women are more into dominating the other rather than agreeing together … and sometimes you have to make decisions that break the domination that one tries to have over the other), I do believe that it would be good to approach your husband by saying, “I WANT to come home… that is my goal… help me to do that.” You can say, “If you TRULY want me to come home, help me. I just can’t come home to an angry household. That is not good for either of us. But if we work together, we can work beyond this and come together again.”
If your husband continues to approach you with anger, then he is making a decision NOT to help you come home. Anger issues are why you left in the first place.
It is said that foolishness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By continually applying anger to the issues that are separating you, the results will remain the same. It’s foolish to go home to that. Tell him that you won’t come home until your differences are being bridged in mature, level-headed ways by BOTH of you.
If he can calm down and you can talk together, and listen to each other, and figure out what to do to resolve the issues that have been causing problems, then you can eventually come home. If he wants this badly enough, he will help you to come home to a peaceful place to live together in marriage. That is mutually beneficial for both of you.
I don’t know if he will go to a counselor with you, or a pastor, or some type of mediator that can help you both to work through your issues. That would probably be best. However, some men and some women won’t do that. They feel too out of control and feel it would be too humiliating. That is sad because it is better to feel foolish for a short time with a counselor, than to BE foolish and continue on in unhealthy ways for a lifetime. If your husband won’t go with you to a counselor, then it will probably be more difficult to bridge your differences — not impossible, but much, much more difficult.
It’s not unusual at all to be married 8 months and find yourselves continually disagreeing with each other — especially when both of you have come from places of hurt because of past experiences. That’s why a counselor could be a good person to go to, so you have help in clearing away some of the junk that is in the way of being able to work together in a peaceable way.
But if you or your husband won’t go together, then you need to rise to the occasion and find a way to make a plan — maybe putting together some “Conflict Guidelines” (like we have posted in the “Communication Tools” section, or similar). You need some kind of a Marriage Constitution or 10 Commandments for your household — guidelines of some sort, that you both pledge to abide by, so that you can work through your differences in ways that aren’t so hurtful and harmful to your relationship. And after you draft them up, you start to use them and see if you need to revise anything. It’s a good start. And then you keep using them.
Some people think that kind of thing is stupid and want to just plain fight it out instead. But how’s that working for you? It’s better to feel foolish for a while than to remain foolish and let it break up your marriage.
We’ve got a lot of tools on our web site in the Communication sections. And we recommend a lot of resources and refer people to a lot of other ministries and organizations for further help in those sections.
The point is, do something different than that which hasn’t been working for you so far. Don’t allow yourselves to stoop so low as to treat each other with disrespect. You can still disagree and treat each other in respectable ways. My husband and I manage to do it (and trust me, the temptation is there for both of us to go in a different direction). But we just can’t let it, or it will damage our marriage. Many other good marriages stay in tact because they find ways to do this as well. I pray that you will be able to convince your husband for BOTH of you to do this.
Make a plan to go back together, but don’t rush it. Make sure it’s working well first. I pray you’re able to both make this your last marriage. I pray you’re able to both resolve NOT to let this separate you forever. I pray you both work to make your marriage the best it can be with the help the Lord can give you. I trust that you can.
(UNITED STATES) I am joining to hear out some of the stories and to get some advice… My story is similar to one I just read. I dated a year, then lived together 3 months and have now been married 6 months. We’ve lived together a total of 8 months, and unexpectedly she called one day and said she was moving out that day because she needed some time and space and I also think she meant she needed a little time to play, because she’s been cooped up in the house with me and I’ve been controlling, possessive, jealous of her social circles, and have become needy and clingy in my complete fear of abandonment… I could sometimes be demanding and aggressive and she would be passive and negligent.
I was annoyed with minor things like poor house keeping skills, lack of responsibility, lack of affection, lack of consideration. We never argued or really brought up many discussions of our behavior, until the day she left and we realized our initial issues that led up to her leaving… she felt trapped, restricted, confined and imprisoned and I felt unappreciated, rejected, abandoned and like I had to pull all the weight and handle all the responsibility on my own shoulders… ok, so that ‘s my story in a nutshell.
Shannon, I am sad to hear your story on here. I am living in your wife’s position now, separated from this kind of relationship. I am really glad that it was a short time that you two were living like that. I think that will make it easier to fix. That said, I hope you can hear this: I believe it was an emotionally abusive relationship. In a marriage, one person should not ever make decisions for the other. It has to be built on trust, and the things you mentioned are devoid of trust (possessiveness, controlling, clingy). If you really want to fix this, find some good books on emotional abuse and let God heal the pain that feeds your fear. All the best.
(USA) I can relate so much to Barbara’s Story as I am going through pretty much the same thing. I have been with my husband for 13 years and after the first couple of years, I felt like I lost myself somewhere. I wasn’t happy with the jobs that I took and he was always the stronghold in the relationship.
I was in radio for a very long time and truly enjoyed it. He didn’t want me to travel in order to work so I basically gave it up. This caused depression and made me feel less than because I took lower paying jobs. I turned to alcohol on many occasions to deal with the pain. This happened off and on throughout our relationship. When I drank (he drinks too) we would get into terrible arguments. I finally decided to take a new career path and became an insurance agent and I really enjoy that kind of work as I like helping people. But I was still depressed because everything that we did was always things that he wanted to do for fun. Never what I wanted to do.
In the last year everything finally snowballed. He had promised me years ago that we would move from Ohio and never kept that promise. I wanted to live some place warmer. My son graduated two years ago and I was left alone. That’s the way I felt. I also felt like the only thing that I was good for was bed.
I visited my son in May in Tampa and when I went back home I couldn’t pull myself from the depression of being separated from my kids. Last year was the first Christmas that I spent without any of my family and it really got to me. We always did things with his family, not mine. He also took a vacation without me last year.
In August, I packed my stuff and left and moved in with my son in Tampa. It has now been four months and I want this marriage to work so bad. My husband never stopped calling me (at least twice a day except for weekends when he is too busy partying with his buddies). He has finally agreed to come down after Christmas to spend a week with me which we both agreed would be the start of rebuilding our marriage.
He doesn’t trust me. And he doesn’t want me to move back home unless he knows for sure that I will never leave again. Never Drink again. And will get a good paying job to help out with the bills. We also were in financial straits before I made this move and he is still trying to straighten this out as well.
He is a good man and I know he is but he makes me feel as if this is all my fault and he won’t open up to me unless it is to throw my leaving him in my face. I don’t see us getting back together until next summer and in the meantime he limits my phone time with him and basically won’t let me express my feelings to him. If I start to cry he only gets angry and threatens to hang up the phone.
I start therapy tomorrow (I was going before I left). I wish that I hadn’t left but I did and there is no way for me to apologize enough. I spend my evenings alone every night. I don’t go anywhere and I don’t have any friends down here. I am so tired of crying all the time and begging him to help me make this work.
Every weekend he goes to his friends house and parties and it makes me hurt even more because he won’t call me after he has started partying. He doesn’t want me to know what time he gets home and doesn’t want to fight as it has caused many fights in the beginning of our separation.
Before I left, the plan was for me to get a good paying job down here and for him to retire and move down here with me. Now he has said he will not move but is staying in Ohio. I will have to move back there if I want to be with him. I don’t mind that but I just want to feel as if the work I am doing is worth it. He says he loves me but it is just going to take some time for him to get over this. I thought when he made the step to see me that this was a positive step in the right direction to rebuilding our marriage but we can’t rebuild if he can’t let go of the past.
I have no self esteem and I am tired of crying every night and becoming a recluse. I am hurting probably more than him. He has friends and family to occupy his life. I just have my son (who is 21 and never here) and myself. It’s a lonely existence. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I pray to God everyday to help me through. Thank you for listening.
(USA) Hello I am currently in the process of moving away from my husband. We have been having a rather rocky marriage for the last 2 1/2 years and 9 months ago we had a daughter so that added more strain to a troubled situation. We tried and tried to make it work but he and I both had issues that neither one of us could let go of, so I discussed with him me getting my own place and us living separately. I was not really sure if I wanted a divorce or just some space at first.
Well, once I went ahead a signed a lease for a new apartment, things turned around and got better and my husband wanted us to stay. His attitude changed and he started to become more positive and loving, so I decided to hold off on moving. He even went to marriage counseling which he refused to do before. Needless to say I was so happy with the hope of my new life with my "new husband."
A week after the "changes" my husband became very angry and actually beat me very badly last week. Because of this have decided to move away from him immediately. I did not call the police or take any legal action because I realize that my husband needs help and healing and in order to allow that we MUST separate to allow that. He feels terrible about what he has done and is very remorseful. I even find myself feeling very sorry for him and I have also been very lonely but I know that I must allow some time to pass and not let my loneliness get the best of me and make it so that I make a bad decision and get back into a bad situation.
I told my husband that I don’t plan on leaving him for good by moving, we just need time and space before we can make it right. I gave him a time line of 6 months. At first he said he felt abandoned by me but then he agreed that this is best for our family. Now that I am moving I finally feel that things are going in the right direction for both of us and I also feel like this is the change we both needed. I am just hoping that we don’t lose our love for one another. Within the last week since the beating, he has come to see me and our daughter 2 times and we have been getting along great and very hopeful for our new relationship but he was a little upset when I told him that at this point I am not 100% comfortable letting him know where I live.
I have been praying for my husband, our marriage and our family faithfully everyday and I believe that God is going to heal us and we will have a testimony at the end of all this.
(USA) A perspective that I have on male anger, (I’m male). About when he beat you, I don’t know what happened but did you push him to it, be honest? I have no idea about your situation but when women get hurt emotionally, many times they push buttons a man doesn’t know he has as if there were a million dollar prize if she can get him to hit her. Women bully men emotionally and men bully women physically often as a sub-conscious reaction. I think just like men are stronger and wilder physically women are emotionally, often with negative consequences to the weaker.
I believe he has to come to understand his anger (emotional reaction to loss of power) and make peace with it or your spiral will never end. You have to stop undermining him and playing games with him, your making bombs. He has to respect that you will do what you feel like doing and what’s best for you. You have to explain that logically to him, or he will just feel humiliated. Make sure you acknowledge and have compassion of his feelings. Talk to him when he’s emotionally calm and good; don’t hit him when he’s weak (anger is close to weakness).
Did she push him to it? Did you really just write that? Tell me, if she’s responsible for his behavior, is he also responsible for hers? Unbelievable.
While I agree folks are responsible for their own behavior, it’s also possible that your spouse knows how to push your buttons. There are folks who cannot resist pushing their spouses buttons, and then blame them when they don’t respond well. So I agree, folks are responsible for their own behaviors, ON BOTH SIDES of such an exchange.
If you do something you know irritates your spouse, how is that any different than them responding in anger? How is it loving to knowingly do something that your spouse finds irritating?
People abuse people, period. The only gender aspect is the manner of abuse. As John said, women can be emotionally abusive and men physically. Neither is right, but it seems only the physical abuse is questioned. When do we start questioning the emotional abuse perpetrated by many?
John, I see/sense in the question you ask. Whereas it is wrong to go physical on someone you should care for, it is equally wrong to emotionally bully someone to the extent of making him lose his temper. Some women have a way of emotionally being insensitive and enraging their mates. A man and a wife should think twice before they say or do anything to each other.
Really? I may irritate my husband if I try to talk to him about my feelings, or push his buttons, as you have said. But if I can’t talk to my husband about my feelings because I am in fear of being beaten up by him, then I have to say it would not be me that was at fault. Thankfully that is not what happens when my husband’s buttons are pushed, but sometimes the things that push ours or our husband’s buttons are completely ridiculous or even unavoidable.
You have no idea what made her husband lose it to the point that he beat his wife. There may not have been any emotional abuse or bullying done at all. Just a man that couldn’t control himself. It doesn’t sound like this beating was something that was a regular occurrence, so whatever she may have said, she may not have had a clue that he would react in a violent, physical way. You cannot automatically think that she is at fault for her own beating by the person that should love her the most in the world. It also doesn’t sound like she is playing games or with his head as was said above. It sounds like she wanted to leave and was tricked into staying because she loves him so much. This is not about gender, but about 2 different people with different personalities and characteristics.
(USA) Hi Kristen, What you’ve written is heart-breaking. I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I have to say that I love your heart — that you have the heart of reconciliation. That is wonderful. But I want to caution you on how quickly you move on this path of moving back together with your husband. I highly recommend that you pray and then read what we have posted in the “Abuse in Marriage” section (starting in the “Quotes” part of that section as a starting point). Read all you can. While we are all for reconciliation in marriage, it must be done in ways that are safe and healthy for all.
You and your husband had problems before he beat you that obviously needed to be dealt with, but now you REALLY have problems! He has crossed over a line and has given himself permission to violate you in ways that are dangerous. You need to be very cautious and patient in how fast you reconcile and be intentional in the steps that you require to be in place (for a long period of time) before you make that move.
I don’t doubt that he can be a wonderful person at times and that you COULD have a good relationship again. But when he laid hands on you as he did, the conditions for reconciliation in living together again as husband and wife became much more complicated. I encourage you to pray, read, pray, get good, godly counseling if it’s available, pray, and make wise deliberate and sober decisions for your future. I can’t emphasize how important this is for all of your sakes — for your husband’s sake as well as yours and your child’s. My prayers are with you.
(USA) I would like some advice. I have been married 15 years. In December of 2007 I found out my husband was having an emotional affair. I kept trying to work things out for the entire next year with him. In October of 2008, I asked him to leave the house when I again found out he was having the affair with his previous secretary. He insists they are just friends but this has been going on too long, sneaking around behind my back while I’m at work, using a secretly purchased cell phone (by her) to communicate while I’m not around, etc.
Anyway, I asked him to leave in hopes that he would realize what he was losing. He moved out to a hotel for 2 weeks then into an apartment. We have not been able to talk over the past 6 months without fighting. Mostly it ends up with me feeling hurt because instead of taking time to go to counseling as I have suggested over and over again, he continues to spend time with her. Instead of calling me and talking like he promises, he spends time with her… To make matters worse, she emails me and lets me know when he is with her – thereby proving to me he is lying to me.
He insists he just needs time by himself and that she is only a friend – they are not romantically involved. He can’t understand why I cannot get past this and all we do anymore is fight. Prior to this affair, we fought every once in a while but not much at all – all of our friends thought we were the perfect couple and even I was not aware of how bad things were – he kept his feelings about all of the issues he now has to himself. Supposedly he has been extremely unhappy for the past 4 years, only he never indicated to me he was so unhappy.
We have completely separated at this point, living in two different cities and not sharing finances anymore. We have no children – thank God. I wanted a structured separation where we both would go to counseling separate and eventually together. I wanted him to stop seeing her and work on himself as well as us. He says he loves me but that he can’t be with me – he needs to find himself.
At this point we are not even talking at all because every time he promises me something – he fails to come through. I couldn’t take it anymore and asked that he not call and I filed for divorce. I’m not sure divorce is what either of us wants. I feel like we are caught in a vicious cycle and can’t get out of it. I would rather to be on my own and making a new life than to live through another year of pure torture as I have for the past year and almost half.
I guess what I’m asking is there a way to save my marriage? My counselor has said I should leave him because he shows no concern or compassion and has no interest in saving us… any thoughts?
(UNITED STATES) Since he seems so uncaring to you after 15 years of marriage, it seems like you would be better off getting the divorce (only if that is what the both of you want). There is mediation that could possibly help save it.
I will be praying for you that whatever happens will be in the best interest of you.
(USA) Hello, My husband and I have been married for 4 years. In April 2012 I found out that he had an affair from May 2009 -February 2012 with a coworker. He claims he loved me the whole time or he would have left me for her. I have given him 4 months now to put in the effort and changes I require in order to stay. After that long there has been no real improvements in our relationship. He definitely doesn’t see the woman he had the affair with. I have threatened to leave if “this doesn’t happen, or that doesn’t happen” but haven’t actually followed through so I am sure he is comfortable where we are thinking I am just bluffing.
I am contemplating a healing separation, as I feel I need to do something drastic in order to 1. Get his attention, 2. Make sure he actually, really, truly wants to be married to me and 3. Heal away from him because seeing him daily and trying to have a normal relationship/ be intimate is impossible with his affair creating such an abyss between us. Any advice?
(USA) My husband moved out last Friday. He says I don’t have respect for him or his family. I’ve done some studying, researching and a lot of prayer, and I think I think he is right. I’ve been terrible at this. He wants a divorce but this is not a mutual decision; I am in shock and so is my family. Actually, I asked him if this was what he was going to do and he said “yes.” He has given me money (I don’t work) and promises more as well as for me to call him if something in our house needs attention or my car is acting funny. I am grateful for this.
Now I hope that we can talk and perhaps have a controlled separation and get our own selves together. Our marriage is not Spirit-filled because neither of us are. We used to have such interesting doctrinal conversations! Please pray that we can talk and I can be patient until then, and let God work! Thank you.
PS: He has told me over and over again in the last 6.5 years of our marriage that he would never leave.
(USA) May I suggest a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, “Love and Respect”? It focuses on the Love Language of men being respect as opposed to women’s being love. Pray, Pray, Pray… I went through some difficult things in my marriage last summer. I was crying all the time and crying out to God. Pray for wisdom but also seek it!
I had told my husband over the phone at one time I didn’t even know if I believed in God anymore! He told me not to do that. I went to the bookstore and bought two books: What Makes a Man Feel Loved? by Bob Barnes and Love That Lasts by Jill Briscoe. I was hoping to find ways to make our marriage better, but it really opened my eyes to the things I was doing to hurt him and our marriage. It really helped me to settle my feelings down.
It is funny how God answers prayers. I suspected strongly that he was cheating, but couldn’t believe it because he always spoke so strongly against it. I was ready to fix things when it came out in the open. We are human and as much as we think we would take action instead of react to things others are doing, we still make those mistakes. I asked my husband why it happened? He didn’t really know, his first answers were… You were always in bed by 9 O’clock. I didn’t think it was important for me to come home! (I could see then I was letting things overwhelm me and keeping me from being a companion to him.)
He had started staying out at the bar more and more hanging with his friends. The other…had to do with pressures and stress, worry about providing (I could see that too, because he is under time limits in a physically demanding seasonal job). He tried to take these back and said he was just crazy and major stupid. But I wouldn’t let him, mainly because I could already see some of the things that I had been doing.
Even though things had been good and we hadn’t been fighting before that, I’m not for dishing blame and not taking any of it myself. I could also tell the guilt that was eating at him by not telling. I think he was really afraid I was going to go all off on him. I do get really sad and cry sometimes, but I try to keep it between me and God. A few times he has been around and just held me and let me cry. In any case, things in many ways are better than they have ever been.
The Love and Respect book I’ve just read. Maybe ask your husband to give it another try and do some of the things in this book. Keep your emotions under control, think carefully about what you want to say. Try to do what is best for the other person. I really believe you can rebuild love. I will pray for you!! Don’t tell him what he needs fixing, changing, or preach about a spirit filled life; fix yourself and let the results he sees in you move him to be better. Keep learning and growing.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I’m so grateful to be able to talk to people in situations similar to mine who don’t know me and therefore can give honest opinions. I need some input/advice. My husband is a backslider, currently in jail, because of crime committed while on drugs. He has been abusing me and never supported the household because he lost his job. We’ve known each other 20 yrs and are married now for 3. I know he can be a good husband if he can only make the right decisions in life.
I strongly don’t believe in divorce but do not see myself in this abusive marriage any longer. I pray to God everyday that He will intervene and that my husband will change his ways because I don’t think that I’m up to living the same life with him as before.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am in this marriage for 26 years now. I am told “I love you” 2 to 3 times a week at least, when things are not that hectic. He is an arrogant man who has a bad choice of words and always gets to me so much I have started hating him!! He is arrogant not only with me, but everybody he comes across –which convinces me that nobody can change him. I have stopped trying as I will know it will not work.
I have come to a conclusion that I am in an abusive relationship. I have a strategy to cope but it seems not to be working as he really gets to me each time we chat or try to talk about things that concern the progress of the family or anything that concerns us.
In a nutshell, communication is terrible and I have become just like him. I am embarrassed to be with him. I am afraid I am hurting people that I need as I suspect that I am also turning arrogant just like him. I always feel sorry after I have spoken badly to someone and that is always late. He actually has a tendency of giving people the impression that he is Mr know it all and will make me feel stupid, that I do not make sense, I am naive, etc. Mind you, I have an Bcomm Hons and he has no diploma but yes, he is earning more than me, which boosts his ego.
I feel trapped already as my daughter (25) just got married and I must be a good example??? SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!! MY KIDS JUST TOLERATE HIM BUT ARE JUST WAITING FOR ME TO ACT. Yes, I have moved out 4 to 5 times already in my life and yes, it never worked. I AM AFRAID my son will turn out just like him (28), looking at his actions nowadays.
What is an easy way out? I also have a 13 yr old international dancer who is also watching my actions. I really cannot afford to be made to feel so small after all the efforts I put forth to make myself a better person. Yes, I have allowed him and it will not be easy to reclaim my position. I thought I could compromise for the family’s sake but it’s becoming harder and harder and I am turning 48 in September.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I need to join the conversation because I need help. I have been married to my husband for 26 yrs and he has had extra marital affairs since our first year of marriage. His gilfriend bore him two children the same age and sex as my children. She and her children have overshadowed us all these years; they come first. I have tried so desperately to accept this. It’s very painful to know that you play second fiddle to your man.
11 yrs later he turned to approach my domestic worker, demanding sex. She left as a result of his harrassment. 5 more domestics that followed encountered the same problem. I have tried to go to counseling with him and he has refused to go. I involved the inlaws hoping he would mend his ways; there is no change. I am tired of suffering from emotional abuse and continued humiliation. I HAVE ASKED HIM FOR TRIAL SEPARATION WHICH HE HAS REFUSED. He has even refused to move to the spare bedroom. What must I do? Please help.
(USA) I have been married for 5 years. This is my husband and my own second marriage. We poorly blended our families. I brought in two kids and he a daughter. My husband and my children have struggled getting along. He has called them uncivilized and disrespectful. He has even said my daughter has a rotten heart.
For years I have heard about how terrible my two children are and have gotten parenting advice from him which has lead me to believe I am a terrible parent. I have been begging to seek marriage counseling and help since 2007. He said he doesn’t believe in that stuff.
Nearly a year ago I told him my pain was too great to be living a sham of a “family” with him anymore and I told him I had been thinking about a divorce not knowing what else to do to save me or my children from a hurting man who hurts people. It continued to be about him. I also told him that when he married me he needed to love all of me, which included my two children. He failed in this. I am so sadden over the nearly 7 years of association that my children have had with him. It had potential and all of it crapped away. It has been painful. I feel I have spent over 5 years shielding my children from the step dad that they had no choice over, who has has shown no love and support for them.
Meanwhile, it is obvious he is capable of loving children because of how he acts with his daughter. His relationship with his daughter makes other people very uncomfortable as they have said to me in private. She is in middle school. He tells her everything about his job, his life and when I am away she sleeps with him in our marriage bed. I have told him his relationship with his daughter makes me uncomfortable and I feel that all the “snuggling” they do is no longer appropriate for a near teenage girl to be doing with her father. I’ve told him his relationship with his daughter makes me feel like there is another woman in his life. Anything special we do as a couple he shares it with her.
I love my step daughter. I feel she and I have a good relationship and I wish to be whatever she needs me to be in her life, but the daddy-daughter relationship they have makes me feel unimportant, left out, second fiddle. He just gets defensive and says he often feels uncomfortable and ignored when he is around me and my children. Honestly, when my children and I are around him he does nothing to get involved. At the dinner table he must be spoken directly to if he is going to attend to a conversation, no paying attention to any of the children’s comments about school or their day. He has shown little interest in their lives unless it concerns chores or if they have left the garage door up or have tracked mud in the house with their shoes. His interaction with them is a tense, negative mess.
Finally I became exhausted. I no longer allowed him to talk about my parenting. We did some counseling and the counselor felt that our blended families trouble were really a marriage problem and largely “his” problem. That he had some behaviors that were not serving him and the counselor suggested individual therapy first before we work on the marriage. This didn’t last past three sessions. The counselor stated at one of our joint sessions that I was really a good parent and my kids really were pretty good kids (and I agree!).
Eventually, I insisted that my husband was no longer allowed to discuss my parenting or my kids’ behaviors and this along with counseling helped for awhile until he stopped going believing we just needed to work on communication and do a few things such as control my teenage disrepectful daughter then things would be better. I started getting really angry because since the beginning all this his solutions were outside his body, having to do with someone else changing, usually my daughter or me. I have felt him never taking ownership for his part. I told him I wasn’t going to do his “plan” that we needed to create an “our plan.”
After hearing this he started getting more passively mean towards me. Leaving for entire days with his daughter. Not talk directly to me. I called him on his meanness stating that I would not be married to a mean man. He said he was sorry, and went on about his hurts and how unhappy he has been and if I would only do somethings and the list literally came out. I began to feel that anything I did would not be enough. My children would never be controlled /good enough and I would have to give up mothering and all of my life to make this man happy.
That is when I said enough. I asked for this controlled healing separation. I have prayed since 2007 every night for miracles between my husband and my children and between my husband and me. I no longer pray for this. I just pray for better for me and all of my children. I pray for a home, a real home where everyone can feel loved and supported. I pray for wisdom and strength. I pray for the clarity. I wonder if my husband is able to love my children. I am not even certain I like my husband anymore. This separation has finally gotten his attention. I am being quaintly courted with all the usual showing romantic things.
I guess I am asking is it unreasonable to want my husband to be loving and supportive of my two children? Is it unreasonable to want a husband who has a special relationship with stuff only for his wife? Should a father be still having slumber parties in the same bed with their near teenage daughter? He says he is now ready to do anything to save this marriage; counseling, meet with the pastor. He begs me to tell him what he should do. I am at the point where I want him to figure it out. Fix the broken relationships with my two children. Rethink his relationship with his daughter. Realize that his wife can’t make him happy if she just does the several things on his list because then she gets thrown under the bus. I am waiting for him to state that he is no good loving me until he is “good” with himself. Until then I have told him he is dangerous to me.
I have abided to the healing separation guidelines. We have started to go out again and it has been very fun and romance rekindling. This scares me. I do not want to go back to the yuck. I do not want to go back to a place of shielding my children. I do not want to watch the snuggling and petting that takes place between him and his daughter. He says he is ready to do counseling again with me. That he is not able to fix my hurts without counseling. I tell him I am now not ready to do that because I am healing my own hurts right now. This is not completely honest. I am also waiting to give us both more time to work on ourself feeling that hurt people hurt people and I believe he is still a hurting person and getting back together is desperately all about him and his needs. I wonder if this man is able to love all of me? I pray for the Spirit to guide me. I do not want to hurt him, place my children around a person who clearly does not care for them, nor do I want to hurt me. This is such a mess.
One last piece. We had daughter together a few years ago.I find myself missing her terribly on the night I am not with her. I know I am the one who pushed this separation and if we divorce I know it will be me that makes it so. I also believe this separation is our best shot of having a real family and a real good marriage someday if that is God’s will. Pray for better…for us all. Thanks for listening.