A marital Healing Separation is a structured time apart. This can help a couple to heal a relationship that isn’t working. It can also help revitalize and renew the relationship so it is working. The intent of this time of separation is to move it from neediness to health.
A successful Healing Separation requires that both partners be committed to personal growth. They also commit to creating a healthier relationship with each other. This framework will allow them the opportunity to carve out a more fulfilling relationship with each other.
Healing Separation
The Healing Separation is like the old-style “trial separation” that involves living apart from each other for a while. Unlike unstructured separations, however, the Healing Separation is a working separation. It is a time where you and your partner dedicate yourselves to investing in your own personal growth.
The Healing Separation is a creative way to strengthen both partners. It also helps to build a new relationship without dissolving the partnership.
Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:
1. I will provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship. This is so I can enhance my personal, spiritual, and emotional growth.
2. This is a time to better identify my needs, and wants. The expectations of our relationship also needs to be better identified.
3. It is to help me explore my basic relationship needs.
4. I realize I will experience social, economic, and parental stresses. These, of course, can occur when I separate from my partner.
5. This time allows me to work through my process better apart than I can within the relationship.
6. Additionally, it helps me to experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues that have become convoluted with my partner’s issues.
7. It provides an environment to help our relationship heal, and transform. This is so it will evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.
Some structure and awareness can help improve the chances of success of the healing separation. Unplanned and unstructured separations will most likely contribute to the end of the relationship. This separation agreement attempts to provide structure and guidelines. This is to enhance the growth of the relationship rather than contributing to its demise.
Key Elements of the Healing Separation Agreement:
1. Length of separation:
Most couples have a sense of how long of a separation they’ll need. It may vary from a few weeks to six months or longer.
2. Time to Be Spent Together:
A healing separation ideally should include some quality time together on a regular basis. This allows us the opportunity to create a new relationship with each other.
3. Personal Growth Experiences:
Ideally a healing separation would include as many personal growth experiences as practical, and helpful.
4. Living Arrangements:
Experience has shown that the in-house separation, with both parties living in the same home, results in a less creative experience. It may not give enough emotional space to the person who needs it.
5. Financial Decisions:
Some couples decide to continue joint checking and savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.
6. Motor Vehicles:
Ownership and titles are not to be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the relationship.
7. Children:
When a couple does a Healing Separation, the goal is to minimize the emotional trauma for the children involved.
This article contains excerpts from the article, “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.” It is written by Bruce Fisher, Ed.D.. The original copy article was sent to us from: Smartmarriages® at Smartmarriages.com.
— ADDITIONALLY —
We encourage you to read these articles on the specifics of a Healing Separation:
• I Think We Need a Separation in our Marriage. What Does the Bible Say?
• WHY AND HOW TO PURSUE A HEALING SEPARATION
— ALSO —
• THE HEALING SEPARATION: An Alternative to Divorce
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I have been together for 16 years married for almost 14. In January we had to commit our teenage daughter to a hospital for a suicide attempt. Many other stresses followed. 3 weeks ago he came to me and said that he wasn’t happy and wanted to work it out but doubted that it would. I have been consumed by depression the last 6 months and he says he can’t handle it. After two weeks we agreed that he move out to deal with whatever he was dealing with. I could not handle the hot and cold from him. His news was like a truck hit me.
We were always best friends and I knew we had dealt with huge stressors but I never lost faith in our marriage. So now what? I miss him so much and want us back. The kids are mad at him but I keep trying to tell them it’s not their fault and he loves them and we are doing this to make things better. But I am just so lost.
(USA) Hello I was wanting to see if I could get some advice about my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We recently have been separated for about a month and a half. The reason we are separated is because we just can’t get along at all. We have 3 children and I go to school full time. He is supposed to work full time, but is constantly quiting, or getting fired from jobs. He just won’t go to work some days and will do nothing, but sleep all day and then wakes up to play games on his computer. He doesn’t help with the kids and doesn’t help with anything.
Like I said we have been separated for over a month and he just still doesn’t get what he was doing that wasn’t working. I try to explain it and he never wants to admit fault to anything. When we decided that we were going to separate it was a decision we made together. We both thought it would be a good idea to give each other space and to be honest I have a lot of resentment toward him, because I feel like the kids and I were not enough motivation to make him want to work, or just to be apart of our everyday lives. He has been asking me if he can come back home, and I am just not sure I am ready for that to happen. I can see him starting to change, but I am scared if he comes back too soon things will just go back to normal. Plus, I still have anger toward him that I am seeing a counselor and trying really hard to be able to let go. I am just afraid that if I tell him I need more time he will just say he doesn’t want to be married anymore.
With respect, during those sun filled days of amorous courtship, or the early days of residing together, did you not see odd behaviours pointing to some underlying problems surrounding your husband? He must have demonstrated characteristics of low self esteem, low ambition, laziness, isolationism, and an overwhelming need for your care & attention. Now he’s agreed to live apart from you until ‘difficulty’ can be sorted out. May I recommend you remove what’s left of your life, along with your children, make a new life for yourself but without this man? You’ve suffered enough as has your kids.
(CANADA) Hi, I guess like most here, I am looking for a solution to my marital problems. A brief history: I met a Filipina woman on a visit there (Feb 2011). We fell in love. I was there for 3 weeks. I returned 5 months later, and got married and lived there for 3 months. I then went back to Canada and awaited her arrival here after doing the paperwork. I visited again in March 2012, and she finally arrived Aug 2012.
Throughout this time, it was clear she has serious jealousy issues, with the usual symptoms of control etc. that comes with that. I have never given her reason to be jealous, just like any other man, I might have looked at another woman, but I never did anything more then she did.
After she arrived, it was good for about a month, and then it all started again. She is always suspecting me, and envies any time I spend with someone else but her. I give her as much attention as I can, but it’s clear she needs an excessive amount. This has deteriorated to continuous fighting, and I admit, at one point I asked her to please leave. In anger, she did, even thought I was already apologizing for my angry words.
She’s been living with a friend now, and I don’t know how to continue.
I love her, but am convinced that if this jealousy issue does not get addressed, we don’t stand a chance. She is now continuing to badger me, making me feel guilty for “kicking her out” and wants to move back in. I have resisted that, and insisted we need therapy. We have now seen a therapist, and the day after she told me she did not believe spending money on that was worth it. In her words, “I will fix myself” but that I have heard before. She believes working hard and not thinking about her problem resolves it in time.
We are now at a stalemate. I told her she could not move back unless she is serious about addressing this problem. She does not want to continue, unless I apologize for “kicking her out” and take her back first. I have clearly explained that I cannot do that, and have asked her that if we cannot agree, we should go separate ways. This is where the problem is. She won’t leave me alone, I am trying to accept I have to move on, but I love her, so hearing from her gives me still hope, yet it rips my heart inside out.
On a side note, I am going into therapy also, as she always says it takes 2 to tango, so I will at least do my part in healing, although, without being judgemental, I truly think this jealousy has little to do with me.
Many articles I read say she’s likely having self esteem issues. I see that. Even though I think she’s a beautiful smart girl, she puts herself down, questions me on if I love her 20 times a day, and in short breakups she has even kissed another man. In her words, it was over, but I could never do something like this, not the day after I break up with her.
Conclusion. I think I would like to explain to her exactly what is suggested here. 6 months apart for personal growth and healing, but how do I explain that to her, without her feeling rejected and abandoned? I know I need to set boundaries, but this is just so hard. Any words of wisdom, would be appreciated.
(PHILIPPINES) It’s already a year and a half since you posted. I wonder how things went for you and your Filipina wife.
(USA) Hi my husband and I have been married for 19 years we have two beautiful children. I managed to stick it out until this day. Our relationship has been very shaky through the years. My husband is the very aggressive type, on the other hand I am always quiet. He has not spoken to me since August of this year and we still live in the same house; it bothers me a lot. I’ve approached him twice but he refuses to talk to me…what should I do? I am very frustrated.
(USA) Me and my wife separated in Aug 2011 after increasing fights in how to parenting my daughter from first marriage. She has become increasing angry and hostile because according to her I’ve never supported her in disciplining her…I believe she was often upset for things I considered not that important. Yes, I believe my daughter was sometimes trying to make things worse between us and I realized too late.
As I was saying we separated without a plan whatsoever. I have been very emotional as time was passing showing weakness and neediness since I missed her. Did I forget to say she is not emotional? I am and I also feel I abandoned our son who is 8 years old and I miss him so much. We both have been going to separate counselors but I feel we are getting so distant from each other. She said we needed time to heal from that unhealthy marriage. Even though it has been 16 months she said I am far from healing.
I miss her and I am afraid I am getting closer to losing if not already because under her counselor’s suggestion she was holding me and our son in a limbo of not making any decision in our relationship and keeping us hoping to get back together even though she has confessed to the councelor our problems are not workable and she think is better getting divorce but she strugles with this because we are both catholics. Our son is going to a therapist too to help him deal with the separation and every time I try to tell her we need to work things out she said it’s too late and I am kind of obssesive thinking in the family I lost and it kills me and is difficult for me on accepting it.
She said she was misserable in 4 years and honesthly I took those fights as our downs in the marriage life I guess I was in denial and try to put things under the rud like she said. I am now in my apt alone a day before christmas and waiting for my daughter (she spent last 3 days with her mom) to make me company and expecting to see my son a few hours in Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, this is so tough and harder because I still love my wife and want to work it out.
(BC) My husband wanted to get back together and so I went back to our home. I had asked him to delete all his dating service females he had on his facebook and cell phone. He is in a relatioship with one female who he met on dating service. He says I am too demanding and will not completely disconnect her out out his life and on facebook and his cell phone. BUT he wants me to trust him and believe him!!!
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It’s tragic when a “husband” believes it’s okay to be connected with another woman, at the threat of the marital relationship. That’s not a marriage, that’s a convenience for him. He feels he can get “married” and still play around with others emotionally (and I wouldn’t put it past him if there is some physical foolings around going on). He has given you no reason to “trust him and believe him.” I wouldn’t. Trust is earned, not abused and then demanded. You would be a fool to trust under those conditions. Sorry to say this.
(USA) I would like some advice. My wife and I are currently separated because for several years she has been asking me to find a way to continue improving myself and evolving and keep reaching for a goal. I haven’t ignored her pleas but I just haven’t found a goal that truly motivates me enough to change. I have a good job, but according to her I’m in my ‘comfort zone’ and not looking for ways to improve and move up. She’s very independent and into self-improvement career and education-wise.
We’ve been together for 9 years and married for almost 6 yrs. When we got married, I was laid off and went back to school to get some computer certifications and got into IT. I haven’t felt completely fulfilled in this field (though it pays well). This is why I haven’t continued moving deeper into it nor willing to get into a bigger financial hole to get a degree I didn’t feel certain about. With the financial meltdown, my investments have gone down the drain and my debt seems like it will never be paid off. We’ve mostly kept our finances separate as 1) I had the investments before we got married, and 2) I wanted to protect her credit in case things got bad.
So I did fall into a low period where I felt I didn’t know what I wanted to do or which way to head, I applied for a few jobs but didn’t get any interviews and just continued in my job and didn’t see solutions to my career or debt. I slacked on my fitness (though I’m thin so I didn’t gain weight) and was completely in a slump. Finally, she couldn’t take seeing me like this anymore and suggested marriage counseling. I agreed and we went to several sessions, at first together, then individually. By Christmas, she suggested we separate for a couple of weeks to have some time alone to focus on our issues individually. She needed to think if she could handle me being in that slump and what else she might realize was missing in our relationship.
Our separation is now going on 7 weeks – which seems like an eternity to me. I’m living with my mother but most of my stuff is at home. We’ve been giving friends and family excuses because if and when we get together again, we want to put this behind us and not have to deal with them bringing it up. We’ve been missing each other and the few times we’ve met, it’s been loving (no sex). We’ve each found solutions to implement that will make our marriage better and I found a new career path that motivates me after reading a book on discovering my talents (which she recommended). I’ve improved my fitness, applied for university, found a bankruptcy solution that works (debt is attached to mom’s house, didn’t want to put her out on street) – not ideal – but will get me out of that huge debt in a few yrs. But she needs to see proof that I will truly follow through on this new path and not just take my word for it. She’s not ready to give up no us, but she’s still not ready to allow me to move back in.
Last time we spoke, she mentioned she’s ready to move to a another apt with more space. Something we had spoken about in the past but hadn’t started looking. But she wants to search for the new place on her own, without my input. I know she may be feeling if things don’t work out between us, she wants to be in a different place, but what if they do work out? I’m going to be feeling left out of the experience of finding our next home. We don’t have any issues of infidelity, physical abuse or lack of love and affection.
How long is a reasonable amount of time for her to realize if I will follow through on this new path and not be separated anymore? I certainly don’t want to wait 3 yrs until I finish my bachelors to live with her again. I love her tremendously, but I feel anxiety over our separation. I feel we’ve been separated long enough (almost 2 mos). I want to be sensible to the amount of time she needs, but I don’t want to see us drift apart by waiting too long. Also, would it be wrong for me to ask her to wait on looking for a new place until she realizes if she wants to stay with me or not?
(USA) Wow-Vin-G, I’m impressed with your commitment to change and work on your relationship. Follow through is hard, but it sounds like you have good plan & that you are doing everything she suggested and asked for.
I had some thoughts as I read your post: You’re doing a lot of work, but are there things that YOU need from the relationship that you are missing? Is she willing to make adjustments too? No one is perfect, and no one is ever completely to blame for a relationship that goes bad-it takes two to make it good (or bad)!
I hope you take some time to do things that you really want to do too –fun things, self confidence building things, experiences that you’ve always wanted to have. The length of time depends on how strong you feel to enter back into the relationship healed in your body, mind and spirit. Don’t do it too soon, and don’t do it based solely on the “amount of time for her to realize if I will follow through on this new path”. This is you’re relationship too!!! Pick and amount of time you need to prove it to yourself, not her!!! Good luck :-)
(CANADA) I have just been told by my wife that in our 13 year marriage she has never felt passion for me. We have two kids 6 and 8 and I feel like my life has been turned upside down. I have always had low self esteem so I know that is a lot of what is going on in my head right now. We have been together since I was 17 and she was 15 with a brief separation when we were dating. She has said she loves me but may not be in love with me which confuses me. This was told to me a week ago and is still as shocking now as then. I want our marriage to work but can’t ever go through this again if we do stay together. She says she doesn’t know if she can ever be with me again. I know over the years I haven’t taken care of myself physically but she has said this isn’t the issue. I am just looking for a little advice. Thank You
(USA) Al, It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I am so sorry. I’m not sure that your wife is being completely honest –surely there was passion at some point –even if it was just in the beginning of your relationship.
You two have literally grown up together! You fell in love as teenagers, perhaps you need a chance to fall in love as adults? There is no doubt that you have many good qualities. Perhaps you need some time to discover what they are and to let those shine out so that SHE will see them too! Counseling can do wonders as can exercise and healthy eating! Take some time to get yourself strong and help her see you as the adult man you are now, not the 17 year old kid you were THEN!!!
When your wife says, “she loves you but isn’t in love with you”, she might be talking about missing those passionate feelings, even though she still cares about you and is respectful about the years you have shared. After all, you do have two beautiful kids together. I am sure there are many good memories too.
Some advice; figure out what you are missing from the relationship, ask for what you need & see if she is willing to try to give you that. Then, listen to what she needs/wants & try give her that. It takes two! If you BOTH are working on pleasing each other you will find you are not focusing on how miserable you are with the other person (or yourself)! As a start, take care of your health –it will give you a great energized jump start to your relationship! Best of luck.
(USA) After reading this wonderful article I was completely captivated by all the comments. I am a minority here; I am the husband of 27 years to the woman I still feel is my soul-mate. Over the past 7 years or so, my wife continues to spiral into a state of low self-esteem, and lack of direction.
We have 2 grown children and my wife only worked outside the home for a very short time in a job/career she hates. I earn enough for us to live comfortably, however because of her low self-esteem she has resorted to spending, and personal travel to see friends, and take self-healing retreats to new age type thinking. All this to find herself and who she is.
She has had 2 affairs, one longer term, the other a one night stand but finds herself fantasizing about these events all the time. Both guys do not engage her in the manner she desires and causes her to become even more angry and bitter. We have been out together on a date and after returning from the restroom I have found her at the bar having drinks with a couple of guys. If I mention it hurts me, she calls me controlling. If I advise I do not wish to take her out to a place that could happen she calls me controlling.
I must admit she is in the best shape of her life. She hired a personal trainer 2 years ago and works out hard 5 days per week and has purchased a tanning package and stays golden. We cannot go anywhere that she does not receive googling stairs from men of all ages.
Now after 27 years with as much freedom and flexibility I give her to do and travel, she seems to be trying to cause me to get angry. I can seem to do no right. She is always accusing me of being controlling and not supportive. The statement about controlling hurts me the most. It’s usually after I suggest we take a walk together or I try and suggest weekend plans.
I feel a separation is needed to help me heal. I feel that I have lost her already and all she uses me for is her support. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Well! Still trying, I have found some comfort in blogging. It seems to help to write about it. She does not know about my blog and I’m not sure why it’s helping, but it does.
(USA) Me and my husband have been married for almost 10 years. We both adored each other until I found out that he has a pornography addiction 2 years after we got married. I was really sad and betrayed because that time we were having such a hard time conceiving. I was thinking that’s the reason why he can’t focus with me because he is preoccupied with other things.
I forgave him because I love him. I thought he was going to get profesional help, some kinda group organization for that addiction but he just thought he’ll stop. He did but 3 years after that a girl emailed me and said that my husband is being unfaithful to me, that he was pretty much flirting with her and all online. I was furious but asked her not to tell anyone for the sake of our son (finally had a beautiful son). I told him I would leave him and have seen things here and there in his computer that are not acceptable over the past months like pictures of him naked, I really don’t know what was his purpose to that. He begged me to stay and promised he will do everything he can to make things right.
2013 he started chatting with women that he knows online sexual fantasy chats, flirting and all that nasty stuff. I gave up! I told him I am leaving this time, and he did not say a word, no emotion on his face, didn’t even cry. It hurts because I love him despite of all the pain he gave him. I hate myself for that. How can I still love him for being like that to me all this years? I told him that he knows my number and he knows where I live. If he wants to talk I’m always here.
I have been advising him to go counseling but he doesn’t want to not even with me. He said it won’t help. I have the divorce papers already signed. He said hold on to it but since i moved out 2 mos. ago he has done nothing to show me that he can change, that he still loves me. He said he can’t say it because he doesn’t feel it. What I am so confused about is that I am the one he hurt for years and now he’s the one that acts as if it was me that wronged him. I need serious advice here, please.
Lola, I truly cry with you. This type of rejection is so confusing and hurts so deeply. It is delivered straight from the evil one, using your loved one to shove it at you. How tremendously sad and hurtful! I’m not sure of what “advice” I can give you. Whatever I say will probably not ease the pain you feel and for that I am sorry. I have to tell you though, that from what I’m perceiving, your husband is dealing with full-blown addiction (which he would probably deny or act as if he doesn’t care). If you read through the “Pornography and Cybersex” topic, you will see just how addicting it is, once you are caught up in it. It’s like you are dealing with a drug or alcohol addict. You are trying to reason with a substance of control –that which is choking out their ability to perceive Truth. The hold is so tight, all an addict can think about is getting his next “fix” –which truly doesn’t fix anything. It actually makes it worse, in the long run. An addict will do anything –even step over you to get what they feel they need –the craving is so strong.
Lola, I’m not justifying what your husband is doing. It is wrong. This addiction comes straight from the pit of hell and your husband has grabbed onto it. I just want to give you a little view into the hold this has on your husband. Until he comes to the end of himself –to the point where HE can’t stand it anymore, there isn’t too much you can do except take care of yourself and your precious child …and pray. All of this is dulling his senses and reasoning. That which is real is substituted for that which is twisted and luring.
I can’t tell you whether to sign the divorce papers or not. That is for you and God to settle. I can tell you that even if you sign the papers, the battle will not be over for your husband. He is playing with fire. But I can tell you that you can’t put yourself in the middle of his fire –whether you sign the papers or not. Your husband is not in control right now, his addiction is taking control. The love he had for you is now being clouded and over-shadowed by this addictive force. Whether it will come back or not, I don’t know. It’s possible… IF he properly deals with this addiction. But I don’t know.
I do know that this is an addiction that CAN be beat. Many men have been able to break through and change their lives for the better. But it will take your husband’s willingness to get the help he needs and continually recognize the weakness he will have in this area. He obviously is not strong enough to beat this on his own. His past and present weakness shows that. Lola, please read through the pornography topic on this web site. I also encourage you to visit some of the web sites we recommend in the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of it. Even though you were dragged into this unwillingly, perhaps God has a plan to redeem it in some way. Perhaps you need to become more knowledgable for reasons you never would have imagined otherwise. This may be to help you now, and/or a future ministry opportunity, or to help your son in the future, or your husband, or you in the long-run –so you better know what you are dealing with.
This is not about you and your lack, but about your husband’s weak willpower to say no to temptation. This weakness has distorted and damaged that which was good. Do what you can to protect yourself and your son from this and ask God to show you how to deal with your husband. Go with God on this. He will show you how much to withdraw and what to do. Please know that our prayers are with you. We pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, and somehow gives you hope that SOMEDAY you will see brighter days that will bring a smile to your heart. Love, love, love that little boy. He is truly a gift from God… and so are you.
(USA) I really do appreciate all those words. It helped me a lot! I will follow your advice and focus on my precious child. God bless and thanks again for being there!
(USA) My husband and I dated for 6 months then married. I brought 4 children (17, 13, 13, 5) and he brought 2 children (10, 19). We’ve been married 1 1/2 years. I thought by being Christians that we wouldn’t have the problems we have even to the point of physical, emotional and mental abuse. I feel deceived and lied to by a man who was supposedly a “Christian”. We received several counseling sessions from the pastor over the course of our marriage and he’s recommended on two separate occasions that we separate because of the abuse. My husband respects the pastor’s opinion, feels he’s a man of God and of great discernment. But all of a sudden he doesn’t like what the pastor has to say about separation because now I’m ready to take the pastor’s suggestion seriously and take separation seriously for the sake of me and my children to get out of an abusive relationship.
Here’s the kicker so to speak. My only family lives 400 miles away and I need their help with my children (taking to and from school and so forth). They are willing to let us stay with them until we can get our own place. I really don’t know at this point if we are going to work things out. I want to but just don’t know what the future holds.
He doesn’t agree with me moving 400 miles away saying it won’t help our marriage but just drive us further apart. However, he doesn’t care about the fact that I have no help and no family where we live and on top of a separation…this I can’t do by myself. Quite frankly, I feel he wants me to stay where he can control me, watch me and oppress me.
Any suggestions?
I am not sure why I am posting this other than to help me vent a bit and to possibly reinforce the importance of clear communication and understanding by both parties when going into a separation. Leading up to me moving out, not understanding it was a “separation”, me and my wife dated a bit in high school before being apart for about five years and have been in each other’s life since 2001. We married in 2005, and have two surprisingly fascinating boys, now four and six. Our marriage was not all fun and games. We had more good times than bad but we never really established a good line of communication and the marriage slowly dissolved into arguments and hostility.
Believe me that I see me at fault as much if not more than my wife. Looking back at information recently shared with me by her, I really wasn’t there for her and she felt alone and neglected. Our sexual relationship was non existent pretty much for over a year by the time I moved out, and was sporadic a long time before that. I was more impacted by the lack of intimacy and she didn’t like the way I made her feel so we were locked in a revolving door of resentment.
My wife and I agreed that me moving out was going to be the best way to help our marriage get back on track, if not the last resort. I was under the impression that this was to allow her space from me and to help us both as individuals. I spent the time going to therapy and making changes in my personal life that made me a better person in hopes that when, not if, me and my wife got back together again these changes would benefit not only me but make the relationship stronger.
Since moving out we had not established a time frame for this arrangement and we were talking at the beginning of this phase but we weren’t going to a counselor together at the time. Communication eventually broke down and I was told that I shouldn’t be giving my wife a kiss goodbye nor should I ask her out anymore because she didn’t want to. This crushed me inside. I never expected us to get to that point. I was always waiting for her to give me direction since she was the one who wanted me to move out and for us to be apart and to not have any physical contact with one another. She did tell me at one point, after the communications broke down and were not really in a good place that she was waiting for me to grab her (figuratively) and say what are you doing I want you back in my life and I want to work on this. Maybe a little side note for someone in my situation. If she isn’t giving you clear direction don’t wait for her. If you really want it to work go after her.
I just found out two days ago in marriage counseling that she had a month long affair that was physical but didn’t progress to intercourse. I was angry, hurt, embarrassed, in shock basically, but we talked after therapy for a few hours. During that after session conversation, I learned she has been dating over the past few months while I have been out of the house. What brought me to me knees was the fact that I have been watching our kids while she has stated she was either working or going out with girlfriends. So I was basically being deceived. We never discussed this and it wasn’t something I wanted nor would I agree to her seeing other people, that would have been relationship ending if that was the way she wanted to go.
Bottom line; make sure you and your relationship partner are on the exact same page, agree to terms of separation or time apart, and keep a good open line of communication during this pivotal time.
This is why you need to be sure you know the truth before moving out and before establishing any custody precedence. This is a common ploy. “You should move out while I find myself.” Or some other similar assertion.
Don’t move out without establishing the truth about the circumstances and a favorable custody arrangement. Or better yet, ifnyour wife thinks you need time apart, open the doors and say she is free to go, but do not leave your home and children. Nor should you allow her to take the children from your marital home.
Thanks Tony, There were no goals set and I realize now that this was wrong on my part. I had asked for them and asked why this was the proposed solution and the answers were vague but I was willing to try it. Now it’s a mess. I told her last night that she has to stop seeing other people if this is going to ever work between us and that if she agrees I will move back in September 1. Otherwise, I am seeking a divorce and moving back in immediately to be close to my boys. I am currently renting a room about 15 minutes from my house. I don’t have a good feeling about this but I had to put my foot down. The situation is not healthy for anyone.
Actually, I’d just move back, period. If she wants to date/sleep with other men, suggest she moves out. It’s the marital home; the kids are part of the marriage. If she is the one who wants to break the vows, then she is free to leave.
Make sure you take someone with you (male) to document what is going on. It’s not unheard of for someone to make false accusations such as you were abusive, etc. Go there calmly and say you are her husband and the father of the children. You want to work on the marriage. If she doesn’t want that, then she is free to go.
But in no way should you be made an outsider because she refuses to honor her vows. If she no longer wants the marriage, then make her do the heavy lifting.
Tony and Michael, I’ve been watching the exchange between both of you and agree in many ways with what was advised, Tony. I just want to add though, that from a woman’s point of view, if Michael comes in with a combative attitude, it could backfire and make matters even worse. Yes, I believe that you, Michael, should move back (but keep in mind that you did say September 1st… so I would stick to that or she may feel blind-sided). And yes, it would be good to bring someone with you when you first approach the home to move in (I’m not sure that it should be a man though… she may see it as being ganged up on by men, but that’s something to pray about). Be aware that things could definitely flair up and go in a bad direction. But if you approach this with a humble, meek attitude (do some real praying and soul-seaching first and ask God to check your motives and the results you truly want and SHOULD want), you will have a better chance of landing this in a positive direction.
Keep in mind what the objectives are… trying to restore the marriage, if there is any chance, and giving your boys a good, peaceful place to live with their dad involved (and hopefully their mom). The way in which you approach this is important. You are teaching them how a husband treats his wife –how their father treats their mother. Even though she has done wrong, they still love her and this is a very confusing situation. Don’t just look at the short-term effects all of this will cause, but the long-term objective and the responsibility you have in modeling healthy behavior to your sons. You aren’t responsible for their mother’s behavior, but you are responsible for yours. You also want to make sure that you are wise in how you approach matters so you can minimize, to the best of your ability, the explosive scenes that can occur if you don’t use wisdom.
The Bible encourages us to be humble and meek. Meekness is defined as strength under control. It’s not about being a wimp, but being steady and long-suffering and kind. We’re also told that a “soft answer turns away wrath.” The same is true of a soft start-up. If you approach a woman with a hardened attitude and “guns a blazing” so to speak –talking about your “rights” and if she doesn’t like it –tough, she will fight you all the harder. But if you are calm, and kind (yet firm), you will go a lot farther. I’m thinking that’s what Tony is advising, but I want to make sure.
I’m also thinking that since your wife has dipped her toe into the cheating arena and has not being straight-forward with you, she will not be all warm and wonderful and welcoming to your moving in. You never know… miracles can happen, but be aware. You will only complicate matters all the more if you go in with a self-righteous attitude. Check yours before you go in and I believe you will do WAY better than you ever could otherwise, because you are doing this God’s way. …I hope this will help. Please know we’re praying for you.
The reason I suggested a man is he should not be sharing intimate details of his marriage with a woman. So asking a man is the appropriate choice. If he wants to ask a couple so both husband and wife are there, that would also be good.
I do agree, this shouldn’t be combative. But it should be strong. You are fighting for your family and marriage. This is a fight. If you read up on affairs, they are like addictions. If you look at the material from Dr Willard Harley at http://www.marriagebuilders.com you will find he says the same thing. A wayward spouse is an addict. They will lie, cheat, steal and in some cases kill to get their next fix.
You must be strong. Believe little of what comes from her mouth. It is only consistent action that indicates she is breaking free of the addiction. By announcing a time, you have provided a deadline she can use to manufacture any manner of charges against you. It would not surprise me that prior to 1 Sept, she seeks any or all of the following:
Restraining Order
Legal Separation
Temporary Custody
Child Support
Spousal Support
Divorce
I hope I am wrong. I have seen the above play out too many times. Sadly both churches and courts are too willing to go along with these scenarios, making dad an ex-husband and visitor to his children.
Tony, I don’t want to go back and forth with this because of other work I need to do for Marriage Missions and also because ultimately, this is Michael’s decision and our back and forth debate may muddy the water more than clear it up for him. I’ll just say a few more things that come to mind and then you can say what you want and we both just need to pray for Michael to make the wisest decision he can.
I agree about the thing with a man not “sharing intimate details of his marriage with a woman.” I always tell that to others as a good guideline… so perhaps a husband and wife would be best because if it’s another man, other than a pastor or elder of a church or such, she might feel ganged up on by men and that could start things off in a bad way. Or it could be an elderly woman who his wife may respect (and who it wouldn’t look like they could be romantic with each other).
I also agree about the addictive nature of affairs. Yes, the cheater will most often do anything to keep being able to continue to cheat (some not, but most, yes). But if Michael’s main goal is to try to get his wife to listen to him and open the door, this being “strong” in an “in your face” type of way will usually slam her ears shut, along with her barricading the door. It will cause more combativeness and then it defeats the purpose of trying to get reconciliation to occur. Again, women are more apt to listen to a man who takes a softer first approach. I’m just telling you this as a woman. When my husband approaches me in a humble (yet firm) way, even if it’s concerning an issue I don’t like, I will be much more apt to listen and go along with it. I see this with other women too. Plus, it’s biblical.
Think about it. Is he approaching a man or a woman? If he’s approaching a man, your way makes more sense. Men respond to that approach. But since he’s approaching a woman, I’m telling you that women feel violated right from the beginning if a man (husband) comes at them in a strong way when he’s trying to gain ground that he has lost. And if she feels violated (even if she’s wrong), she will often fight dirty and go for the jugular. Her getting a “restraining order” comes to mind right away. Women are very good at getting them… some are justified, but others are not -they’re just a dirty way of getting her way. I still stand by the softened (but firm) approach here, because you’re approaching a woman, not a man.
As for the September 1 date, you’re right about this possibly giving her more time to plan a sabotage fight. I thought of that before I wrote what I did. Personally though, I believe I would keep to my word on the date. But Michael needs to decide on this. He needs to pray about it, asking God for wisdom and go with that. Again, I hope this helps.
I don’t think I said do this in an in your face manner. Just because I advocate being strong does not equal being ugly or unloving. Perhaps that is the disconnect. Just because I advocate returning home and suggesting that is she doesn’t want the marriage to let her be the one who walks away doesn’t mean to be mean.
You are right, it is his his decision. He needs to understand the nature of affairs and the best way of dealing with them. Rolling over and agreeing with the wayward to leave is not in the affair recovery play book.
Thanks a lot, my husband read this site before we even saw a counselor and decided on a healing separation… I never agreed to it. He left me no say in the matter. Now instead of healing there is resentment from crying myself to sleep every night because he is gone. We have great dates then I am left to cry everyday and every night by myself. This ruined any chance of us working things out… My resentment has become overwheing.
Carin, What you describe is not a “healing separation” but one in which he is in control and you are left to either accept it or forget ever getting back together. It would be good to agree to keep having “great dates” –times when you go out together and NOT deal with any type of conflict. But you need to ask more of him than this. That’s the purpose in this time of separation “WITH GOALS.” You need to have times where you talk through and start resolving some of the areas of conflict –otherwise, it’s not a “healing” time but just one of separation, and that defeats the whole purpose of this time of living apart.
There’s nothing healing or redemptive about having “dates” without also having “sit down, we need to talk to each other peaceably times”, as well, which is the reason for this type of separation in the first place. You are to have “goals” which includes times of working through the tough stuff that caused a separation in the first place. Perhaps the place to start would be for you each to read the article and talk about some possible goals –ones in which you are both in agreement.
Well… Separation. A year ago last July my wife and I had a wonderful marriage of 14 years. She had battled cancer the year before and that was her first year of looking healthy, growing hair and getting her life back. During cancer I was supportive and was there for every chemo treatment and surgery. It actually made us closer, since we were so busy raising our two beautiful children.
In early August, she invited a friend of hers from high school and her husband out to hang out with us. The men stayed back with the kids as the women went out drinking and dancing. Long story short, this continued on the rest of the summer. I started getting bad feedback about this friend and found out my wife and her were out messing around with other guys. When I confronted her (last November) I got the “I love you but I am not in love with you” line of bull crap. Since then we have been in marriage counseling, going to church, getting baptized and trying to work our way back from this.
But we can’t. You see, my wife still talks with this friend, and ironically, that friend ended up in marriage counseling the very same month -only she took him straight to divorce court and divorced him for some guy at work -who divorced his wife and 3 kids, so he could hook up with my wife’s friend. We had some ups and downs -and all the classic cases of denial and rewriting history -and still managed to make some progress -up until this friend got her own place. Now she is in love with her adulterous boyfriend and my wife goes over there and hangs out -and that friend does nothing but bag on me and tell my wife how she needs to live for herself, etc etc.
Our other friends, our counselor, her family and our children have tried to explain to her how caustic this woman is to my wife, and how she has changed for the worse since they started hanging out. She listens to NONE of it. That friend is more important to my wife than I am, my kids are, her family is or even her salvation. What do I do? Now this woman has talked my wife into asking me for a separation. Separation! Unreal.
A year and a half ago, my wife and I would have laughed at anyone that would have told us we would separate. My wife used to be against adultery, against divorce, against separation and despised anyone who would needlessly destroy their family. Now she is the destroyer who believes in divorce, accepts adultery and is pretty much a self-centered narcissist.
So, my penalty for being a loving, caring, nurturing, forgiving husband who has put 110% into his marriage -in the face of hurt, pain and anguish -is that I will get shared custody of the children that I do 90% of the parenting with. My life is broken, and the one thing I prayed to God every single night of my married life -that he protect and keep my family together – is about to go unheard or ignored.
I still have faith and I know it works on God’s time, but there is an end and it is coming soon -and I am not sure how much longer I can hang on. God says he would never give me more than I can handle. I did not realize, though, that we would pile up to that exact mark and leave it there for a year with no relief. I am starting to break.
I am afraid that soon I will break. Soon I will just grown cold and angry and will no longer want to see her face. Soon, I will do everything in my power to make sure the kids know exactly what my wife did and what she is all about. I will continue to protect her – but not for much longer. I promised to love her forever -but there is a time when I must give up on her and let her destroy her life.
Why does life have to be so sad? When I look at her I just want to ask her, “How in the heck can you do this to your family?” I’ve tried to ask her that before and she does not even process that question correctly, because she has become the person she formerly despised.
My desire is not for divorce and that is my husband’s desire. We have been married 25 years. The marriage started off on the wrong foot. I was divorcing my first husband. And he was naive when it came to women. We both had very bad childhoods that have been a source of good in that we could be able to excuse each others dysfunctions. But lately and I mean the last couple years my husband has been cold and distant. It has manifested into bouts of rage. He has been bringing up the “Terrible” things that I did during the first 8 years of marriage. Trust me, I did some very unloving and criminal things.
We both are seeing a therapist but the arguing has escalated to the point that I perceive we are only hindering the healing process that therapy is intended to bring. We have suffered silently (though if you ask him I have never been silent) for 20 years. We have next to no intimacy. He says he will not have sex with me because I am not respecting him. When I mentioned today separation while we both work on ourselves, he went into a rage for 20 minutes. He said I just wanted to take more of what was his. But I said that because I am disabled I can get into a apartment while he stays at the house.
This problem is painful and embarrassing. We own a sandwich shop and customers have come into the shop while we were arguing. We have put the shop up for sale. I asked him if we should drop the price to get it sold just so we are not together so much. He is now cooling off. I am on the internet seeing if separation is the right thing for us. With the idea that we are to work on ourselves. I found this article that confirms to be that a healing separation might be the thing to do. Keep me in prayer.
Reading this article has been very helpful for me. I have been married for 13 years I love my husband to the point it literally sickens me. We fight like it is part of our marriage vows, and agree on almost nothing. We are virtually opposite in most ways. He is smart, handsome and driven and I have basically floated through life unable to commit to even small things.
I told my husband I wanted a separation. He made the plans for me and our 5 children to move in with my parents. He is in the military and he says he didn’t want the separation but at the time it seemed to me like the only thing to do. I wanted my husband and my marriage but I left after he and I discussed the basic terms of our separation. We said we would come back together, we would not date or sleep with other people, he would give me money for the kids, continue to pay for my car and insurance and that I would work on my schooling and finding a part time job.
I left in July 2013 it is now 11/2013 and things are worse than they were. I thought this would be a good thing for us. We agreed the terms even though he asked me not to leave (he set up the arrangements and bought our plane tickets even told me when I was moving out). Now months later he no longer wears his wedding band. He says it is lost… he came to visit several times and once said he was not sexually attracted to me. He ignores my calls and text. When I ask him if he is seeing someone he will not say yes or no. He says this is what I wanted.
I feel extremely hurt and angry with myself. I miss him and love him he is a part of me and my heart is breaking. I had not expected anger I felt like even though we were not happy, that we loved each other and that we could make it through this. I see now that I have not been obedient to God or my husband. I feel it is too late. My husband won’t forgive me and I don’t know what to do. I keep wondering if I should just let go. I tell him if he doesn’t want me to tell me. He won’t, but he won’t talk to me or answer text. I pour out my heart to him and say I’m sorry and tell him I love him and I get no response…
Dear Nikki, My heart is so sore for you. Separation I have discovered is one of the most dangerous things to do if your marriage is already rocky. I made the same mistake agreeing on separation, hoping that my husband would miss me and the children and come to his senses. Wrong! With no goals in place it gave him the freedom to indulge even further in the affair he was having. Things then went from bad to worse with no contact and the next thing I knew he was filing for divorce. I too feel that we could have worked things out differently if we had just stayed and prayed together. We are divorced today as a result. I also feel I have let God down by allowing my husband to just walk away. It is still not too late for you. Try and get him home where he belongs. It is NEVER too late. Work through your problems with God’s help.