A marital Healing Separation is a structured time apart. This can help a couple to heal a relationship that isn’t working. It can also help revitalize and renew the relationship so it is working. The intent of this time of separation is to move it from neediness to health.
A successful Healing Separation requires that both partners be committed to personal growth. They also commit to creating a healthier relationship with each other. This framework will allow them the opportunity to carve out a more fulfilling relationship with each other.
Healing Separation
The Healing Separation is like the old-style “trial separation” that involves living apart from each other for a while. Unlike unstructured separations, however, the Healing Separation is a working separation. It is a time where you and your partner dedicate yourselves to investing in your own personal growth.
The Healing Separation is a creative way to strengthen both partners. It also helps to build a new relationship without dissolving the partnership.
Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:
1. I will provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship. This is so I can enhance my personal, spiritual, and emotional growth.
2. This is a time to better identify my needs, and wants. The expectations of our relationship also needs to be better identified.
3. It is to help me explore my basic relationship needs.
4. I realize I will experience social, economic, and parental stresses. These, of course, can occur when I separate from my partner.
5. This time allows me to work through my process better apart than I can within the relationship.
6. Additionally, it helps me to experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues that have become convoluted with my partner’s issues.
7. It provides an environment to help our relationship heal, and transform. This is so it will evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.
Some structure and awareness can help improve the chances of success of the healing separation. Unplanned and unstructured separations will most likely contribute to the end of the relationship. This separation agreement attempts to provide structure and guidelines. This is to enhance the growth of the relationship rather than contributing to its demise.
Key Elements of the Healing Separation Agreement:
1. Length of separation:
Most couples have a sense of how long of a separation they’ll need. It may vary from a few weeks to six months or longer.
2. Time to Be Spent Together:
A healing separation ideally should include some quality time together on a regular basis. This allows us the opportunity to create a new relationship with each other.
3. Personal Growth Experiences:
Ideally a healing separation would include as many personal growth experiences as practical, and helpful.
4. Living Arrangements:
Experience has shown that the in-house separation, with both parties living in the same home, results in a less creative experience. It may not give enough emotional space to the person who needs it.
5. Financial Decisions:
Some couples decide to continue joint checking and savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.
6. Motor Vehicles:
Ownership and titles are not to be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the relationship.
7. Children:
When a couple does a Healing Separation, the goal is to minimize the emotional trauma for the children involved.
This article contains excerpts from the article, “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.” It is written by Bruce Fisher, Ed.D.. The original copy article was sent to us from: Smartmarriages® at Smartmarriages.com.
— ADDITIONALLY —
We encourage you to read these articles on the specifics of a Healing Separation:
• I Think We Need a Separation in our Marriage. What Does the Bible Say?
• WHY AND HOW TO PURSUE A HEALING SEPARATION
— ALSO —
• THE HEALING SEPARATION: An Alternative to Divorce
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
My husband read this and insisted on a Healing Separation after his affair and before we saw a counselor. I could never trust him or move past the affair unless he came home. Now he has quit counseling and is filing for divorce after only 3 months separated and 4 counseling sessions. Had he not insisted on a healing separation we maybe could have rebuilt trust and rebuilt our relationship. The separation totally removed any possibility of us working it out. It was the worst decision we (he) ever made.
Rose, Thank your for your encouragement. I have just been praying for God’s will to be done. I miss him so much. But I know that as much as I want it I don’t know what God’s will is for me. I hope that it is for our marriage to work out. My little one was crying asking for her dad and there was nothing I could do or say. I don’t know how I could get him to come home when he won’t acknowledge my attempts to contact him.
I have been married 10 years. My husband grew up in a home where his parents basically had an invisible divorce. They had separated about 15 years ago but have since gotten back together. They don’t sleep in the same room and his dad has anger issues.
I am aware that I married a broken person. I think I thought I could help heal him or make him more whole, which I’m aware now was such a mistake. I was only 17 when we met and I let the feelings of love overtake the reasonable side of myself that knew he wasn’t ready to enter into a marriage relationship.
He is very moody and has a true mean streak. About 6 years ago something inside him changed and the character traits that are so similar to his dad have come out. He really hurts me repeatedly time and time again. Every couple of years I have opened up and shared my feelings of being alone and hurt. He never responds; he just stares at me and says he’s processing, but nothing every changes.
We have been in marriage counseling before and he wouldn’t open up and really talk. It got us no where. I recently found out that I have a tumor that is most likely cancer. It is not agressive and most likely I will be completely fine but it has brought up in me this feeling of how finite my life is. When I look to the future I see us ending up just like his parents. I am not willing to live like that. I have decided to ask for a planned separation.
I’m so scared about what the future will hold but I feel it’s better to do it now than to wait 20 years. We have three children and I’m most concerned about them. I have been weighing the benfits over the negative effects. I want my children to see what love really looks like and how a wife should be treated. I don’t want my girls to end up marrying someone like their dad is right now.
I guess I just wanted to put this out there to know I’m not alone.
Hello all. I am a 30 year-old male, and have been with my wife for 6 years, married for 4 next week. Our marriage started out wrong – as an affair and sinful, but since then we have both become ever-growing Christians with our ultimate focus on a strong marriage, family, and a deep working relationship with our heavenly Father.
I have made a lot of mistakes in the beginning of this marriage. Although I’ve never slept or been intimate with another woman, I did have what is commonly referred to as “an emotional affair”, that is, becoming emotionally invested to a degree with another female. I also came into this with a swarm of addictions; drinking (sober for a little over 1 year), smoking tobacco (20 days tobacco free), pornography (2+ years free), and excessive online gaming (1 week, so far). Luckily I had kicked all my hard drug habits a couple years before I met my wife M., so at least the stress of that burden was not hers to shoulder.
In a nutshell, I have been far from the perfect husband, but I feel like every problem overcome has led to my life being that much more rich. I now guard myself from flirting / being flirted with, do not put myself into situations or places where I could be faced with things like drinking / drugs, or engage in any self-destructive behaviors which had been commonplace in my earlier years.
Needless to say, all of this baggage I brought into our marriage (the 2nd for both of us) has left us both carrying an enormous load of hurt and resentment. We fight often and, although I know we both love each other deeply, we both “fight to win” when it comes down to pain. I can use words as weapons on a level that is often shocking, even to me. She also has this “talent”, and has led to some real knock-down drag-outs.
This week she had been reading about Healing Separations, and has decided that it is the best (only?) option left for peace in our marriage. We came up with a plan we can both agree on this evening, and will separate this Friday for a period of 5 months, during which time we have weekly planned date nights, family nights (we have 3 kids), and also individual therapy with the possibility of couples therapy later down the road if we both feel it would be beneficial.
I was hurt at first, as I didn’t believe separation worked, and was instead usually just a precursor to divorce or an excuse to “play around” and/or see what other spousal options might present themselves.
After some serious prayer and reflection time, I am actually excited for what this could mean to our marriage. We never really got a period of time to seriously date and be a couple before children were introduced (not that I regret a single one of them!), and to have the opportunity again included in this packaged plan, I think, will be phenomenal~! Don’t get me wrong, I still feel the heartache of the impending split, and will miss every minute that she’s away…even if I’ve done a lousy job of showing it all the time.
The biggest hurt from the whole thing happening now is that our anniversary is next week, which will be the first week of our separation. The timing sucks, and I certainly wasn’t planning something like this for our 4th, but I’m hoping and trusting in God that in time, it will be the best decision we made. Wish us luck, and keep us in prayer!
I quite like reading through articles that will make people think. Also, many thanks for allowing for me to comment!
My husband moved out and into our camping trailer in the back yard. My heart broke into a million pieces when this happened. He has major depression and says our relationship is making him physically sick. However, he is dealing with losing his job, major guilt about his adult children, and a number of other emotional issues, which have very little to do with US or our relationship. I’ve asked him to come back in the house; lets deal with this together. He says no, he doesn’t want his judgment clouded by the physical relationship.
Personally, that sounds like a hurtful excuse to act like a single person and hide from his problems. I asked him to take the trailer and move off the property if he couldn’t move back in because it’s not fair to me for him to be right there but not there at the same time. We’re both in counseling over this now and our five year old seems to be the one paying the price as dad has shut him out. I’ve prayed my heart out… begged for wisdom and strength and just feel completely drained both physically and emotionally. Both my parents are passed and the friends I have are all married to his friends so I basically have NO one to talk to about this… any advice would be extremely appreciated.
I am a 48 year old male, married for 20 years, together with my wife for 25 years. We separated about 14 months ago. We have two children, 12 and 14. The separation was her choice, and I have been going along with it, painfully, as I am honouring her need for space and our marriage. The separation was not due to infidelity or fighting or bickering, but growing apart. Luckily, we live just about 1 km from each other, both in 3 bedroom apartments, so our kids can spend equal time with each parent.
I want so desparately to reunite, but just a week ago she said that she’s happier living without me. That was painful for me to hear. So very painful. The cause, she says, is that I wasn’t in tune with her needs over the past 4-5 years. She, admitedly would always put me and the kids first, and consider her needs last. That was a habit of hers her entire life, not “putting herself in the equation” when it came to family and friends. She discovered this habit of hers about a year and a half ago and prompted her decision to separate as a couple.
I have spent a good many hours, many, many hours crying and trying to figure out what happened. I’ve been devastated and she has been living somewhat relieved. We have never talked about divorce, but living together doesn’t seem like an option at this point. In the first 6 months there was much resentment on both of our parts. Mine towards her for “leaving me”, and hers for me not being the supportive husband I should have been. I admit to that.
This past year, as hard as it has been for me, I haven’t given up on life or my wife, and have made special effort to keep growing as a person and stay healthy, even in the lowest of times. It’s hard, so hard to keep up the motivation, but I’ve been doing it for 14 months now. Every day is a struggle for me, some more than others. I’m proud of myself for getting myself in the best shape I’ve been in probably 20 years, working toward my masters degree and continuing to be a great dad, which I always have been, I think. She and I both agree that we each are great parents to our kids.
We’ve been seeing a therapist together off and on over the past 14 months and we are understanding each other better and better. We each have our own personal therapists as well, which has helped. And the way we interact together now is more positive than it has been in a couple of years. There’s still no love in her eyes coming from her though, which hurts. I see the indifference in her eyes toward me. She says she wishes she could push a button and feel in love with me again. She says she doesn’t know what the future holds for us. She says she doesn’t want to take off her wedding ring, even when I ask her to. (I guess I feel that would allow her to feel free and unfettered).
She has said that she felt shackled by me when we were together. I believe that comes from me not supporting her and her dreams and wants like I should have been. I get it, and I have changed. I’m far from a shackle to her now, as I have spent so many hours, days, months reflecting on how I could have been a better husband and am so ready to be. I would give anything to have the chance to be that supportive husband again whom she talks about. I was for so many years, but in the last 4-5 years I wasn’t so much.
I still don’t know where we’re going as a married couple. I’m being as patient as a human can be, I believe. When we see each other we often hug, and when we part she usually hugs and kisses me on the cheek. She hasn’t said she loves me since we separated, except for one time on the phone about a month ago. That really confused me. Mixed signals! I have many friends, I go out, don’t date, I work on myself, spend tons of time with my kids, which is good. She seems very content living in her own place. I’m happy to see her happy. I just wish more than anything that I could be a part of her happy life as a united couple.
Most of our contact is a once or twice a week family get together, but I recon that’s mainly for the kids in her eyes. I look for glimmers of hope that she might miss me, but I don’t see it. Welcome to limbo land! That’s where I live. I heard once that a couple having difficulties should give it at least two years before even talking about giving up. I’m not sure what this means to any of you readers out there, but this is my story. Can anyone make sense of it? I’d sure love some insights from anyone. It’s not easy at all. I’m keeping the faith.
Wow you must be a very strong individual. My separation has only been a week so far but is so very very painful as he has not shown up for the first couples counseling session and has refused to communicate with me in any way. Feel fortunate. I suppose that she is willing to communicate and at least share the parenting as it could be so much worse. Healing takes time and sometimes time is something we don’t want to give; sometimes it’s just not meant to be and no amount of time will “fix” things but the fact that you are working to get her, talking, and sharing children is a hopeful sign in my eyes, it’s more than what I have at this point.
How long have you been married? I’m an American, by the way, living in Saigon. I’m not Vietnamese. I feel we are far from having a healed marriage. Maybe it will never happen, but I’m fighting the good fight. As you said, as hard as it is, you have to give him time. I’m not a religious person, but I have over the past year found great comfort in listening to Joel Olsteen podcasts. He has been integral in helping me stay strong for both myself and my marriage.
May I ask too, do you know why your husband is feeling the way he is? I may be able to provide some insight on the way a male thinks.
I just came up on this site. David, what happened with your marriage?
My husband and I have been married a year today. We made a decision to separate because after an 8 year relationship we both aren’t happy. We have hurt one another so much over the last 8 years (infidelity and a child on his part 4 years ago, me being an angry woman and saying hurtful things, miscommunication, and the mother of his children is unbearable to deal with) and we are struggling to make it work. He moves out in a few weeks and so far the tension in the house in unbearable. He cries and begs and pleads to stay together, but I am so hurt and angry that I feel the separation is best. I feel a lot like your wife. I have made so many sacrifices and compromises to deal with his children and their mom, and to support him that I feel that I have neglected my life, my beliefs, and desires. I feel like I have given up on me and he has been so focused on the kids and their mom, that he has neglected me and how I feel and what I need. I really just want to divorce, because after 8 years of fighting for this relationship, I am tired. I am drained. However, I do know that it isn’t wise to make a decision based on emotion. So I figure we could separate and see how we feel later on. I pray you and your wife find the strength to do what is best for yourselves and if she chooses to let the marriage go, that you find strength to move on.
The first thing to do on this healing separation is examination of conscience. List all the good things and bad things that you have and weigh which are the things that you need you change and improve to make a good relationship stay. I had been married for 46 years and GOD is a part of our marriage. That’s how I made our marriage work.
My depression triggered during engagement. I wanted to cancel the wedding because of the anxiety but the time was too short. I went ahead with the wedding. But since the wedding till date, I still struggle with depression. It has been the most painful challenge I have ever faced in life. The worst thing is that I have never enjoyed the marriage for one day and any time I remember that my depression started because of my marriage, it projects all the pain to my wife. She has been helpful and patient, but things have not been getting any better at all.
This is a really challenging time of my life. Depression is a monster; its ruining my career, my social and spiritual life, and the worst thing is that it’s making me regret my marriage.
I’ve suggested to my wife that we will need a healing separation so that I can work on my emotions and we can have a new beginning. Please, any advice out there will help.
Alex, I would encourage you, and your wife if possible, to find a good Christian counselor. There is hope, but you must seek help. I believe that with a counselor’s help, you two can learn to work together on emotions, talk about feelings and grow closer. I also suggest you get a copy of How We Love
by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. They are Christian therapists who explore how our childhood shapes our relationships and what we can all learn to do about it. It’s very practical and very helpful.
It is encouraging that your wife is supportive of you. I think it would be possible for you to learn to work with her on this problem, without a separation. You are married now; problems will always arise and we must learn to deal with them in relationship if we are in a relationship. Please don’t push your wife away.
I’ve been married for 18 years and I went through the same thing as you. I still struggle with depression and I have questioned my marriage but the answer that always comes to me is that I would have this illness even if I wasn’t married. I have had to learn and my husband has had to learn that my illness is not a reflection of my marriage it is simply a disease that I have. For better or for worse as it goes and sometimes it is better and sometimes it’s not. Counting my blessings really helps but I don’t believe in pat answers. The truth is that it is a ton of work but it’s worth it. I guess you have to decide if your marriage is worth the effort. For me I realized that I’d rather be with my husband than without even with the depression. It helps if your spouse is educated about your illness and seeks the support she needs as one who cares for a person with a long term disability.
My wife and me are living separated for last 8 months. There is no communication at all. I am living in different country. 2 years ago, we got separated for 3 months and I went back to her as I wasn’t able to live alone. But this time I don’t want to initiate as it will be a repeat of what I did earlier. I have a child and I have not seen her for this long. I may not deserve my wife (as she says it), but as a biological father to my child I want to see and live wiith my daughter. My question is… what does it mean if my wife did not even attempt to communicate with me for this long? I am confused. Why did she then not initiating a legal separation process? I want some one’s advice here. I am living a stupid and horrible life.
Need advice. My wife separated from me last week for reconciliation for a year. All contact has been cut off with her. She wants us to work on ourselves during this time. She’s a counselor herself and has advised other married couples to do the same and they were successful in having a strong marriage.
Now, she also wants us to go on dates with each other at some point. However, I work 700 miles away so from my readings I don’t see how this is feasible –how not having any contact will work. I looked into looking for jobs closer but haven’t found any. What should I do or should I accept that this is the end after 31 years?
My husband of 15 yrs decided to move out to “find himself.” No plan, no commitment nor timeline for the separation. When I try to ask anything he fights me. I found out he was cheating days before that. I am so torn apart and when I ask him to give me his plan it falls on deaf ears.
I am so frustrated. Though I am not much of a social person I went out tonight by myself, but it’s not easy.
What do I do? We have a 13 year old son together who is currently living with me.
Tumi, As I read what you wrote, I said to myself, “of course she’s ‘torn apart’ and ‘frustrated.'” Who wouldn’t be? How my heart goes out to you! I’m so very sorry you are suffering as you are. You ask what to do. Honestly, Tumi, that is very difficult to say. When your spouse is cheating, they are also lying, and evasive. They want to do what they want to do, and get away with it. Tragically, their deceit victimizes spouses and families like yourself and your son. Obviously, he is not considering that (or he doesn’t care). How I wish it weren’t so! I can only imagine how much more so, you wish the same.
All you can do is what you can do. Your husband doesn’t want to be involved in a healing separation with goals, because right now the only goal he cares about is what pleases his desires. It’s so horrible that he views life this way and dumps these life style choices upon you. It’s so very wrong.
So what you do is look up to God to be your husband right now and to eventually make right, that which is wrong –to redeem this mess somehow. Lean into the Lord to help you be the person and the mother that you are born to be. Help your son to see that he has one parent that will do all she can to live a life of integrity and do what she can to be there for him. He is at a very vulnerable age to go in a bad direction. Prayerfully, he will not choose to rebel because of the added confusing circumstances he is now having to handle.
I encourage you not to date, because even though your husband is not acting like it, you are still married. Don’t add another wrong on top of what your husband is doing. And be careful not to bad mouth your husband to your son, because that will only cause more pain in his heart. He will feel conflicted because no matter how terrible your husband is acting, this guy (I don’t even want to call him a man, because a true “man” doesn’t do this) is still his earthly father. He sees the wrong your husband is doing, and prayerfully, he will not follow his example some day. Pray for him, live a life of love and integrity, and you will eventually reap seeds of reward.
Also, work on your own issues. Grow as a person, to be a healthy woman in all ways, despite all that is happening. Put your eyes upon your own path (not envying others), and that of your son –to raise him to be a good man. Determine that this will not take you down. Find legitimate ways to laugh, work, and love your God and your son. And then as time goes on, you will be able to watch how God will bring you hope and help as you look to Him. May God help you in this mission.
Just starting a separation. Any advice?
Read this article and the other ones concerning separation. Prayerfully, very prayerfully, glean from them what you can use.
I’ve been married for 28 years to an emotionally abusive man. I’ve been working on myself and am stronger now, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life dodging his arrows of condescension, humiliation, and mind games. Would a healing separation help me? I’ve been speaking up to him about how hurt I am by what he says and how he says it. But it seems he will never change. I have not felt any romantic love for him for about 15 years, but I treat him kindly and never reject physical intimacy. I want to do God’s will and I believe God’s desire is NOT for me to be oppressed in my marriage.
I recently found out my husband of five years has continued to be involved in a relationship that supposedly ended earlier this year. His drinking, gambling and explosive temper is also affecting our marriage. I’ve decided to separate, however, he is opposed to separation and I don’t feel he would try to make effort to benefit from it. I don’t want to divorce but I feel it’s unhealthy to live under these circumstances.
My husband of 4 years, been together for 9 and I’ve had a very rough patch for the last 2 years. After having our daughter who is now 3 I became very ill. I don’t feel that he was supportive at all throughout or even now. He has a history of infidelity and I’ve forgiven and moved forward with him against my better judgement.
I look at him and I feel hate, disgust and EXTREME DISAPPOINTMENT. He’s a mess of a person with a history of extreme depression, suicidal thoughts and to be honest lazy and demotivated. I don’t love him at all -in anyway and I know that. I suppose I’m here for my daughter as well for those in our lives. He suggested we try a trial separation, while living together. When I said how is this any different from what we are doing now he said he needed time to think about it.
I personally feel that at this point it’s because his parents will be extremely disappointed in him so he cannot go back, as well as he has no where to go. Thankfully I can go back home with my little one, but I don’t want to do that for more than a year. I’m ambitious and career oriented so buying a home and starting over with my little one is very important.
I know that it’s time to part ways as it’s now impacting my little angel. She drew a picture of her and I and she said mom, I drew a sad face for you. It’s time to go, but so many factors to weigh. In my heart I hate him, despite the fact that I know it’s not right. I don’t see a point in a trial separation because in my heart I don’t have love for him.
What do I do? He has jaded me in so many ways and I’ve changed negatively as a person and don’t want to live whatever time I have left on this earth like that. Help.
Hello – I can’t believe I came across this site. I have personal experience with a Healing Separation as my husband and I were recently going through exactly that. We’ve been married 30 years and found that we were just not doing well with communication and everything that goes with that (in my opinion good communication is the most important thing in a healthy relationship). We mutually agreed to separate and were both prepared for whatever would come of it.
I found a sublet apartment closer to work with 4 months left on the lease. We decided 4 months was a good timeframe to go with. If we decided to remain separated after that time I would sign the lease for another year and we would go on with our lives separately.
Well it became clear after 2 months that we just didn’t want to end our marriage so actively got into repairing it. We’ve been seeing a counsellor, which has helped us to re-establish open communication. It has helped us to learn to “nip in the bud” issues or old behaviors we don’t want to fall back into.
I moved back into our home after the 4 months and we’re always mindful of what we almost lost. We’re very happy and plan on continuing to be.
The downside to all of this is that our 2 adult daughters have not been very supportive. I think they think we’ve lost our marbles in a way. Oh well – we’ll see how they do after 30 years of marriage is what I say. And they too may be parents one day and realize that we’re human beings with our own lives to lead. All in all I really think our separation was the right thing to do for us.
Thanks for your story, there is always hope.