We realize this is a totally different type of Marriage Insight than we usually send out to our subscribers. But we feel strongly that God is prompting us to do so. And who are we to argue with God? We believe it is because many of you are dealing with this issue. Or it could be that someone you know is dealing with this situation and it would be a marriage saving gesture to send it to help them. Here is the issue: What do you do when your spouse drinks too much and it is negatively affecting your lives together? Do you close your eyes to what’s going on? Do you keep hoping that someday he/she will finally wake up to the problems the drinking is causing?
Or maybe you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior. The question is, how did that work for you? Has any of those methods helped to propel things forward in a positive way?
It could be that you have “done everything right” and yet you’re still fighting through this as a continual issue. This causes you to wonder how much longer you can hold out hoping things will change. You’re exhausted, confused, and don’t know what to do next.
Spouse Drinks: Excuses, Excuses
And then there are the excuses. You’ve probably heard a million of them! “A few drinks never hurts anybody.” “It’s my business—not yours.” Or maybe it’s: “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ of living without drinking, but every time I fall off” (and then they laugh as if that’s funny). But there’s nothing funny when a spouse drinks too much again and again and again. Despite their “best” efforts, the excuses just don’t hold up. So, yes:
“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more. But these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons“)
Promises, Promises: When a Spouse Drinks too Much
And what about the promises your spouse has made: “from this day forward things will be different”? (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments a wife wrote concerning her husband who has a drinking problem:
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. It was completely frustrating. Bob would look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From Focus on the Family article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)
Good Intentions, But…
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it. Your spouse may have good intentions; but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink).
It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed.
It’s important to note that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol, he/she is using to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.
Wisdom Needed When Spouse Drinks Too Much
So, when you are dealing with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom. You also need to get help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.
“A comment I often have clients, with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is: ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’
“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)
Be Realistic
You also need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this matter, read the following. These articles can set the stage to realistically deal with the truth of this issue. You may not think they pertain to you but read them anyway. Perhaps you can glean a few tips that can help you in this matter:
• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY
So, in light of what’s been discussed so far, we’re going to give you a few tips that you could find helpful.
First:
“Don’t use the ‘A’ or the ‘D’ word. When it comes to confronting a person with an alcohol problem, one of the worst things you can do is call the individual an ‘alcoholic.’ For one, most problem drinkers are not alcoholics by the true definition of the word. Secondly, the stigma associated with the “A” word will most likely put your spouse immediately on the defensive and alienate them even more. Another word to avoid: denial. Accusing your spouse of being in denial will only breed resentment and contempt.
“Highlight the connection between the cocktails and the consequences. A sensitive yet effective way to approach the topic is to link your spouse’s drinking to the results of their behavior. For example, ‘You say you’ve been more tired than usual—that seems to have gotten worse since you started drinking more.’ Or, ‘You say you don’t have time to exercise; I noticed you’ve been skipping your exercise class to make time for going out for drinks.” (Robert Yagoda)
To read more that Robert writes on this issue (which we highly recommend) here’s a link to his insightful article:
• HOW TO HANDLE YOUR SPOUSE’S UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL
And then the following advice from author Angie Lewis, can also be helpful to keep in mind:
Detach With Love.
Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.
Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some earplugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.
To learn more read the following article written by Angie Lewis:
• Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Alcoholism is a Family Disease.
Also, from Skyler Sage, realize that:
Substance abuse by a loved one affects the entire family. We also play our OWN part in the continuation and manifestation of the disease. Our marriage, our family, is like a mobile. Each of us has our own little piece of the delicately balanced structure. Every action on any of our parts shakes the mobile. Tenuous balance quickly becomes imbalanced, shaken up, disrupted. Our role as spouses, children, friends on this mobile is just as powerful as that of the alcoholic’s.
I believe this awareness is the first key in coping understanding that we play an equal part in the drama of living with an alcoholic. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution with every word we speak, every secret we keep, every action we take, every action we avoid taking.
To read more, go to:
• Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Skyler Sage
From Melinda Cook, comes the following advice:
“If you are not in any danger, continue to encourage your spouse to get help. Do not make it seem as though you are lecturing them though, they will rebel and continue in their disastrous ways. Find a support group, go to Al-anon meetings, and learn all you can about addictions. When they are willing to admit they have a problem, find places they can turn to for help in getting better. Coping with an alcoholic spouse can tremendously take a toll on you and your family.”
And it can, as you know.
Also, if your spouse drinks too much:
Here are several additional helpful articles to read when a spouse drinks:
DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Stop Rescuing (Pt 1)
DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Setting Boundaries (Pt 2)
PREPARING FOR A STRUCTURED INTERVENTION
We realize we have given you A LOT of information to pray about and consider. We pray the Lord opens the doors of heaven and pours out His Spirit within you and your home. It is our prayer that He speaks powerfully to your spouse to access how much he or she drinks. Additionally, we pray that your spouse will do something about his or her drinking problem.
Helpful Organizations
To give you direction where you can get help when you or your spouse drinks too much, the following are a few helpful organizations you can contact. We realize that they are not available to help everyone in every country. But for some of you, they can definitely help you:
Also:
• Find Al-Anon Meetings Online
And:
We pray that God will use this article to help you and/or those you know and care about.
But no matter what you are going through, keep in mind:
“Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright…” (Psalm 112:4)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
If you are not a subscriber to the Marriage Insights (emailed out weekly)
and you would like to receive them directly, click onto the following:
(USA) I am just reaching out now for the first time, and I am because as I’m reading these… it’s my life. My husband has his “too much drinking” every once in a while. I get so angry I tell him, Is this what I deserve? Really?
I do go out for a drive to the store so I don’t have to continue listening to his nonsense. I also ask him if he’s done when he’s yelling at me. I am struggling with the thought of getting him out of my life. I am so end at the end of my rope. I don’t deserve this, no one does, really.
To everyone on this website, alcoholics don’t get better, they are an alcoholic for life. If he or she does not practice the 12 steps and REFRAIN from ALL alcohol, they never will. You are wasting your life, wake up. They have fancy names for us, enabler, yes we may be or should I say, yes we are. Why we are is as sick as them. The verbal abuse we take, the unhappiness we have, why?? Why do we stay? If they are in denial and I would say most all alcoholics are, there is no hope. If they acknowledge a problem and do something, and refrain entirely from alcohol, there may be hope of having a good relationship.
My boyfriend of ten years drinks everyday seven days a week and counted the hours, 30 hours a week at least. I am well over retirement age and just waiting for the house to sell to get out. I wasted my life, don’t waste yours. I have read all of you above and it is the same story, they drink too much, become mean and stometimes cannot even walk, forget sometimes, lets say most of the time. They wreck the house by falling down, they embarrass you when you are out for dinner, because they are loud and obnoxious. Yup been there, done that, no longer go out to dinner, no fast food drive ins because he would insult the person getting the food. So there’s nothing; I’m home 24/7. It’s to the point even our friends do not want him there because he insults their guests.
Sound familiar? Read all the stories above you including myself. There’s one thing in common, we are UNHAPPY. Time to get happy people, time to live your life, and take care of yourself and your family. They will not help themselves unless they hit bottom, lose everything and still WANT to go to AAA. Other than that, if they don’t, they will drink themselves to death. Why do we have to suffer along with them? I am getting out. Quit praying they will get better, they don’t (again, there are some that will do the 12 step but they must be willing to never drink again and those people are in the minority and few and far apart). Please don’t waste you life wishing and praying. Maybe we should look at ourselves, forget them. Do you think they are thinking about us? It is a disease that they cannot control without help, period. Either they get it or they don’t!
Dear God, Please guide my husband to drink non-alcholic drinks. He drinks every single day. This is very upsetting to me and our boys. He’s a great man if he doesn’t drink and then has affairs, starts to become verbal abuse and doesn’t pay any attention to me. Help him to the right path and way. Lord, help our marriage grow stronger together forever. AMEN. -MR
AMEN
My heart, love, and prayers go out to all of you. Your comments make me feel that I am not alone. Thank you. My “husband” and I have been together for over 4 years (not married due to his past financial issues). I am 42, he is 49. Sober, he is kind, gentle, sensitive, funny, loving, and works very hard. Unforturtunately the only time he is sober is when he is at work. Most days he can barely make the 20 minute drive home fast enough, then walk fast enough to the fridge to grab his beloved beer; 8 to 12 bottles a workday; 30+ on each weekend day.
He drinks to drown memories; abusive childhood and the horrors of wartime military service. I did not know he was an alcoholic when we ‘married’. He hid his drinking while driving truck over-the-road. Home daily though -I couldn’t help but know. And now, 1.5 years with him at home, our lives are miserable.
Most times when drunk, he simply relaxes, then becomes annoying (slurs words, is impolite, stumbles and falls, loses all ability to be rational or responsible, then eventually falls asleep). I feel like the mother of a toddler. But then there are the bad days. A change moves across his face like an ocean wave -and I know we are in for a bad day. He questions and accuses me of lying, stealing, and cheating. I have never stolen from him or cheated on him -but I find that now I lie to him all the time. When he is happy drunk -I tell him anything he needs to hear to keep him from becoming mean (yes, I love you! No you aren’t drunk! Yes, I saw the bomb drop outside but miraculously the explosion went the other way and no one got hurt!). I am very weary of coddling him and controlling the world inside our home to maintain sanity.
On bad days he berates me, says mean and horrible things to me and about me, calls me hurtful and hideous names, tells me I am awful and no-good and lazy and on and on and on. Once, for a two-week period, he physically and sexually abused (tortured) me near continuously. He NEVER remembers anything he says or does during these times. We have a couple of times discussed them – and he’s appalled. He promises to stop drinking, promises to change, tells me he loves me so much and that I’m his whole world.
My son is 8, and has started to lie. I thought I had done a good enough job protecting him from the situation, but now know I have failed him. I don’t know what to do. I would like to leave him but haven’t for two reasons. First – I still love him. He is sick – I wouldn’t leave him if he had cancer or something – why would I leave him because alcohol makes him sick??? And he is my true love and soulmate when sober. And second, once during the 2-week bad time – he guaranteed me that if I ever left him, he would not kill me (because he loves my son and wouldn’t hurt him like that), but that he would kill my family to make me suffer. Was it the alcohol? He is a trained assassin. I cannot take the chance. My family does not need to suffer for my mistake; my son does not deserve to lose his beloved aunt or grandparents.
So, I pray. And I endure. And I detach and strengthen my mind and heart and soul. My day will come – God will set me free so that I may someday be happy and live a productive life. My primary concern is for my son. He is not strong – yet. I pray this will help him to be strong and wise; and better able than I to make good life choices… Thank you for listening.
Rose, I don’t understand why you are still with this guy. You aren’t married, he is beating you up in every conceivable way, he’s a horrible influence on your son (who is now starting to act up), and he has threatened your life and the lives of family members. You say you love him, but is this a healthy love? I’m thinking it’s a toxic love and is poisonous in so many ways. I HIGHLY recommend that you talk to a counselor at an abuse center for domestic violence (we have several listed in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic where we provide links, or you can find a local abuse center). I say this because this man is dangerous on so many levels. As you said, he is a “trained assassin.” This isn’t just a matter of alcohol abuse, it could very well be a life and death situation, emotionally as well as physically. If you read through just the quotes we have in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic, you will see that abuse escalates with time and substance abuse kicks it off into a whole new level of vulnerability and danger.
And even if none of that were true (which it is), what is all of this toxicity in your home teaching your son? It will change him forever in a negative way. He will spend the rest of his life battling the wounds he is emotionally receiving from all of this. If you don’t value your own life, your own peace of mind, your own sanity and mental health, please think of how all of this is writing on the slate of who your son will become –with the difficulties he is living through right now and WILL live through because of how this guy is inflicting all of this on you.
I love your heart that you wouldn’t leave him if he had cancer, but this is a cancer that he is giving to YOU and to YOUR SON and also to your other FAMILY since he is threatening their lives too. Again, you aren’t married. Your staying with him isn’t a noble thing, it’s a suicidal and emotionally killing situation. Please talk to an abuse counselor so she can help you in the ways you need it to protect yourself, your son and your family. It’s the healthy thing to do. Please be a hero and champion this for your son. If you do it right, it may just give this guy the wake-up call he needs to start straightening up his own life. This way sure isn’t working as it is now. I hope and pray you will –for ALL of your sakes.
Hi Geraldine, My husband is the same according to the drinking. He’s been to A.A. but I don’t know that it helped much. How is it going with your husband and alchohol now?
I have been married for almost 25 years. I believe my husband is a functioning alcoholic. I can tell the MINUTE he’s crossed over into being drunk.
1. First stage… He’s Mr. Funny.
2. Second stage… He’s Mr. Prolific. One night I timed how long he talked. 47 minutes without a pause…Talked and talked and talked… it’s just OVERwhelming.
3. Third stage… I become his target for “teasing.”
4. Fourth stage… Angry, petulant, and then sleep.
The next day he claims to remember nothing. He also has the nerve to try and turn it on me. Conveniently he will remember only if I finally say something. For instance, he corners our children in the “prolific” stage and starts to lecture them on something. Most of it makes no sense… They both try to be polite and it’s only when I have to cut him off that he then says… Oh, I guess I’m done now… and then gets angry with me.
I am SO over it. I have told him before… when he’s drinking DO NOT tell me that he loves me. DO NOT even TRY to have sex. I do NOT engage him. I become very quiet and I just go to my quiet corner in the house…
In the day… he’s perfectly lovely to be around. He DOESN’T need to drink to be funny. I will NEVER understand this side of him. It’s caused MOST of the problems in our marriage and apparently I am NOT worth the effort to fix it… Because after all, that would make him wrong and that just never happens… Good luck everyone.
Marion, reading your post was eery because what you described is exactly what I go through with my husband, almost to a ‘T’. I can honestly say I know how you feel in those situations. I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I wish I had the courage and the means to stop the insanity. My heart and prayers are with you also.
I’m married almost 10 years with apparently an alcoholic person that I didn’t know and was tricked many times. I try very hard to ignore him when he is too drunk but it sometimes doesn’t work. He throws stuff, says mean words, accuses me of not being not faithful to him, and he is the smartest. So I’ve learned my lesson so far with a 7-year old daughter, not to be around, go to the mall or playground even if I’m too tired.
He doesn’t help at home because he’s too busy with drinks and his imagination. He always has special plans to ruin my birthday or any family parties so he’s excluded in the parties. I don’t even pass him the invitations. He always smells of alcohol and smoke. When he is normal, he is a lovely kind of smart person, but it happens one day a year! I stopped counting how many times he promised to quit.
Dear All, I am sitting here weeping as I write. I find encouragement in your mail. It shows me I am not alone. I was married to the most wonderful woman ever, however her dark secret is her alcohol abuse. I simply could not continue watching her get completely drunk, staggering around, get combative and slurring… It’s hard to see someone you love so much with a problem you are incapable of fixing. The bigger issue is that they don’t recognize the problem and believe they are fine. Such a difficult topic to address.
Our end came on the way to dinner when I told her I love her so much more sober… It sparked an argument that caused me to initiate leaving. As much as I hated my decision and wanted to overturn it, it is for the better. I’m not a drinker, will never be, and have no desire to get drunk in pubs and nightclubs at the age of 41 3 to 4 times a week.
This woman is without a doubt the love of my life. However, alcohol has directly and indirectly been the cause of every argument and problem we ever had. It caused me to say hurtful things. It causes her defensive mechanisms to come up to deny the problem.
I wish everybody the best of luck, I need to rebuild my life and try to forget about her. Luckily we have no kids to put through this painful experience. Blessing to everybody dealing with this. C
I pray the Lord works on her heart and wakes her up to what she is missing as a result of this alcohol abuse. How very sad to allow a substance to take over your life to the point where those that love you need to stay away. May she wake up and get the help she needs to change her life for the better.
I understand what everyone is going through. My heat is broken when my husband drinks. I am praying God will give me the strength to detach and move forward with my life.
CDW, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I am soon to be married, just 56 days away. However my fiancé is a heavy drinker. He doesn’t go out to drink, just at home. And like you I am tired of seeing him stagger around and slurring speech and as with all alcoholics I am learning he uses the same excuses… It helps him calm down, it helps him deal with work… Etc… Etc… He’s 29 and says at 30 he is done. I don’t know if I believe that or not. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It has taken the joy out of wedding planning. I think I am through.
I believe we were put together for a purpose, he needs me and I need him, but I feel like I should be worth it to want him to quit or slow way down at least. I don’t know where to go. He knows how unhappy I am with his drinking habits. I feel so lost and helpless.
Stephanie, Run, don’t just walk away from those wedding plans –no matter how much the wedding costs. The marriage is doomed at this time. He is not even close to being ready to marry you or anyone else. He has some demons to slay and he needs to set his priorities straight. I’m so sorry for your broken heart –truly. But it is better to have a broken heart for a while than a broken life. I pray well for you.
Reading the comments above is both comforting and troubling. Nearly all of them tell my story… We have been together for over ten years, married for five and without fail, every argument we have ever had has been related either directly or indirectly to his drinking.
In the beginning I thought he would grow out of it. Now 35, it’s the worst it has ever been. We recently had a baby and now I dread how much further this disease will progress. He’s not physically abusive, but wow can he do and say some damaging things when drunk. It’s not even this that I mind, it’s the feeling that alcohol is like a mistress in our marriage. He is always seeking opportunities to drink. His 3 closest friends are the same. The worst part is that they work in an industry where drinking is actively encouraged (it’s all provided and a big part of his work culture). He won’t change jobs, he loves what he does. I detest the uncertainty and despair when Friday rolls around. Will he be sober? Drunk? Somewhere Inbetween?
It has reached a point where Friday nights are now off the calendar for anything else. I can’t have friends around for dinner or we can’t go out, because there’s every chance he will be drunk. My friends aren’t impressed but would never say anything to my face.
The financial toll is also frightening. He cannot account for $1500 of his salary a month.
This sounds awful, but I want him to get sick. I want the liver spots, which sit on his face to get worse, and for his health to decline further. Maybe then he will do something. At the moment there are no consequences. It’s the old merrygoround and it’s making me hate my life.
Our child is the greatest blessing though, and I’m still glad we married for my baby’s sake. Would I leave him? I wish I had the courage. I don’t want to destroy my child’s life, and as a Christian I believe that I married him in sickness and in health (that’s why I wish he had a different kind if sickness, like cancer). I’m so sorry if that makes me seem like a horrible person, I just think it would easier to manage. I know that binge drinking 4-5 times a week is not normal, but I’ve run out of ways to help and ‘looking after myself’ is also hard too.
My thoughts and prayers are with the wives and husbands who live with this disease.
Your situation sounds so similar to mine….
I’ve been married 16 years and have 6 children. My husband has always been a drinker but in the last 10 years it has been destructive to the family. Verbally abusive and flat out a financial hardship. I don’t know how to get back from the hell has has put me through. We as a family never do anything anymore, trying to plan anything is a bust. I fell in love with a man whom I thought loved me… How can a person love someone but yet do the things they do to hurt them?
Most would think I am a weak person. I prefer to call it strong, patient and not a quitter. I grew up in a large family with plenty of bad and good. My dad was a drinker, the kind that you never knew when he was drinking. He never acted any different… that changed when he had his first heart attack, people do change their habits; he did. I had to say goodbye to him almost 5 years ago; my dad was the best. Apparently to my husband too… he made my last moments difficult and the after process even worse. His coping method was getting drunk …a lot. It’s always the pain be feels; he has to deal with it in a destructive manner and makes everyone hurt.
My oldest brother was 44 when he left us. Oh the pain I still feel for all the sufferering he endured before he left this world… my brother died from liver cancer. I sometimes envy him; he got out… I’m still stuck here. Of course my husband had to pull the drunk act again and make the whole process difficult. He was the one suffering and no one else mattered…
The horrible pain my husband feels from getting hit by a car in 2003, not while in the road but off the road fixing the mailbox, has made everything 100 times worse. He lost his arm, his body is disfigured, and he seems to struggle to find who he is. We all suffer to… if it weren’t for my six children I would have nothing. I feel. I have hurt them and let them down… I live middle class. I work, he gets disability, and we never ask for anything from anyone.
Tonight after all these times promising that he would never do it, never let himself get out of hand, never put the kids in danger blah, blah, blah… he did it again, at the fair with three of the six kids with him. As usual picks a fight with a child and his mom… I was home with my 3 youngest, one was sick. I keep trusting and he keeps putting our kids on the back burner to alcohol. I hate myself so much for letting this keep going on!
I came to this page to read your stories, as I am only in a new dating relationship with a man whom I believe is an alcoholic. We have only been dating a few months. I would like to commend you all, for even posting about your situations. It must be very difficult. I am trying to reason with myself as to even stay with this boyfriend, who is a wonderful man, but drinks too much on the weekends. I have read all that’s been posted and have seen the light on what my life will bring in the future if I continue to stand by his side. Your stories scare me as to what you all have to deal with, but thank you all for being brave to post your reality to a website of strangers in the same boat. I really have a lot to think about. Good luck to you all I can relate to many aspects of all your stories. Our society that is full of alcoholics is rather a scary scenario of what the future holds.
I am sitting here crying this morning reading all of these comments because my story is so similar and yet different. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for two. The problem in our relationship is I’ve struggled with addictive behaviour myself, and when we started dating I was right there beside him for the party and we seemed to get along perfectly. My ex had a drug problem and would take off sometimes for three days at a time, so my new relationship seemed great and an improvement because at least we were sharing a life together -even if it was surrounded around alcohol.
He’s smart, a great provider and the funniest person I know. I truly love everything about him when he is sober, but cannot stand being around him any more when he comes home drunk. We’ve been trying to conceive for over two years and it has taken a toll on our relationship. Two months ago I did end up getting pregnant with twins and lost them both… it has been a heartbreaking time for me. Everything in his life seems to be about him. He either works too much, or drinks to much, and there does not seem to be any place in his life for me. Last night he came home so drunk he could not even talk to me and staggered around the kitchen making food at 1:00 in the morning insisting on using our fryer, which I wouldn’t allow and thought I might actually have to call the police.
He always denies he has a problem and brings up all the time that his drinking habits used to be okay with me and tells me at least he drinks less then he used too -but I’m just not buying it anymore, and feel resentful and hateful all the time. “It helps me relax,” or “don’t you know I have had a busy week,” or “Am I that bad of a guy.” Sentences I hear every weekend. When I was lying in he hospital bed losing my babies, my husband was in my house with his brother smoking pot, drinking, and smoking cigarettes. This I feel I struggle to forgive him for. If we could only have a relationship that was about laughing and movies and exercise, I know that he would find peace and happiness too, but he just refuses. I really want to leave but can’t bring myself to let go of the great man I believe he can be.
I am so sorry for your miscarriages! I can’t imagine the pain you are going through, dealing with that alone. I hope you have someone you can talk to and open up to. My heart goes out to you!
My situation is very similar to yours. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I used to join in the party with my partner and now that I have stopped drinking and smoking. I cannot stand the sight of him coming home wasted, falling over himself. As of right now, he just came home very drunk and having taken pain pills after promising me he would be back eight hours ago, he was “just going to drop something off at a friend’s house.”
I have been sober for the past year but find it hard to leave him because when he’s sober he’s the sweetest man I have ever been in a relationship with, and he only drinks (a fifth of alcohol or more) one to two times a week, so I get just enough quality time with him to believe he will drink less and we will make it before he goes on a bender again.
He always denies he has a problem and says that he works hard so he should be able to do whatever he wants to do. He calls me controlling when I try to get him to curb his excessive alcohol use. I’m struggling with my own issues and he never seems to be there for me or support me unless it’s convenient for him. He always promises me he will be sober. For a week so we can spend time together and always ends up wasted the next day, claiming he isn’t drunk, hiding alcohol all over the house. I know I have to build a healthy support system so even if I can’t leave him I can still living my life as best I can, but I worry every night I’m not at home he’ll be out drinking again.
I wish you the best of luck in your situation, and anyone else dealing with this painful situation!
I’ve sat here and read some of these comments, and I too feel the pain. I have a spouse that is the same age as me. He drinks everyday and it just seems he drinks more and more(usually a 30 pack every other day)..he always says since my children and I moved in two years ago, that he has never drank that much, but honestly, he has..now he tells me that he feels that I’m taking advantage of him. This is supposed to be someone I love and who is supposed to love me..at least that is what he tells me. I just wish he would slow down,but he just won’t..don’t know what to do anymore.
Hello all. I’m writing on here because I’ve run out of ideas for how to deal with my husband and I feel that my only option is to live separately because I can’t put up with his behaviour any more. My husband is an investment banker and entertains clients as part of his job, which usually involves at least one night a week of heavy drinking, if not more. He also has a habit of “disappearing”. He’ll call me at 5:30 to say he’s leaving work and then disappears from contact until he comes home drunk at 4 a.m. This tends to happen around once every two weeks. He even “disappeared” 3 days before I was due to give birth in spite of me sending him a message saying I was going to hospital.
We have been married for 4 years and have a 1 year old daughter. I have no family nearby to help me and I really want to move home to have some help from my mum. My husband won’t move away from where we live because of his work but I feel like he needs to be away from the temptation of his colleagues going drinking.
We have tried alcohol therapists but he quit after 3 sessions, various failed attempts at abstinence, a promise only to drink when I’m there so I can stop him getting out of control (he broke it), I’ve kicked him out several times, I’ve tried speaking to his parents who were no help, he’s been to the doctor etc etc etc. Nothing works. Each time he “disappears” he promises not to do it again but two weeks later he disappears again. He knows how much it upsets me but it’s like he can’t think rationally when he wants a drink. He doesn’t consider the consequence to me, to our daughter or to himself.
Like I said, I feel like I have 4 options:
1) keep trying to fix him
2) move home so I can be near my family and husband stays in our current home
3) move the whole family to where I grew up in the hope that there is less temptation
4) divorce
If anyone has any suggestions for how I can stop his behaviour I will be so grateful
Hi my name is September!! I am in a relationship with an Alcoholic addict and I’m at my wits end! I have three children with this man and he promised to get sober when I was pregnant with our first son!! That was 8 years ago and here I sit!!
I left last year because he started using other drugs and I didn’t want my kids around that!!! After many months and feeling sorry for him I decided to try and make our family work! What a huge mistake!!
It is now Christmas Eve a time for family and celebrating Jesus and he’s passed out drunk at 9 in the morning!! I cry because I feel as though I’m ruining my children’s lives!! This is a normal everyday occurrence!! He doesn’t work all he does is drink and sleep!!! I don’t know what to do:(
I am writing because I am embarking on a serious decision on whether to seek a divorce from my alcoholic husband. I guess I came to this site to find out what Christians think about divorce based on the grounds I suffer (habitual drunkenness and the verbal, emotional abuse that accompanies the drinking. The verbal abuse also happens when he is not intoxicated).
We had our first marriage from 2001-2007. The same issues of drinking and non-physical abuse drove me and my kids to a shelter. Being at the shelter allowed me to get help through legal aid. My husband and family hunted us down at the shelter. He had dissolution papers served to me, and I had to leave to shelter. Me and kids moved to low-income apartments. I worked part-time and we eventually got the dissolution. I had to agree with all terms, or lose the ability to receive financial relief (child support) needed to be separate from my husband. The house he lived in was foreclosed, he moved in with his mom and continued working and drinking. My kids were able to visit him because I did not have anything from court about his drinking. His mother took care of the kids every other weekend. Sometimes I had to come back out to get them if my ex started drinking and fighting with his parents or nephew.
Fast-forward to 2014: my kids were now 9 and 11. My ex and I would share time with kids when I came to pick them up from him every other Sunday (they lived with me full-time otherwise). My ex seemed genuinely interested in the Christian life, family and sobriety. This was in March. In June 2014, we re-married. At first, he seemed to do all the right things, spend time with kids, bike rides, church, no drinking. In July or August, it all started again: the drinking, verbal and emotional abuse.
The police are not able to do much. In the other town, they arrested him because he was disorderly when they arrived, plus he broke things in the house. He has only broken things once, his dressed drawer. I started using a cell phone to record his drunken tirades and have applied for help from legal aid. I feel counseling will not help us. I just want to be be free of his drinking and abuse, and I want his time with the kids to be supervised or limited. I suppose I wish to find out if I am making the right choice.
Hi, my husband and I have been together for 34 years, and married 29. I guess he has been drinking since I knew him, but really more of a party type thing. He actually quit for almost 10 years, but started drinking again occasionally, kind of immediately picked up where he was when he stopped. He binge drinks! It seems once he starts he can’t stop! I’ve done things to try and help him stop, but no matter what I’ve done; taken his keys, hid his wallet, made sure no money was around, he still has people that will bring it too him, because he offers them money once he’s sober. It really scares me, because I don’t want him to die.
He usually starts out, coming back normal, then getting anxious hyper, then spending on stupid things for the kids or myself or him, then picking anything and everything to get mad over (especially towards me), then drinks.
The time in between has been getting shorter and the verbal treatment is getting worse, saying; you have ruined me, you’re stealing money, you’re trying to destroy me, I have to get away from you so I can be better, you’ve made the kids hate me, you’ve ruined the kids as far as there grownup skills, you you you hate hate hate! This hurts more than anything else in LIFE! I’ve prayed, I’ve tried to give it to God, I have tried leaving so he can get better! Once he’s better, he apologizes and says he loves me and he’s sorry!
This time its been approx 2 weeks, and our 24 year old son and myself have indicated that we’re seeing the signs and tell him, you act like your gonna drink soon, and then it gets argumentative. Since last Friday, when our son and him had an argument in front of our church, my husband has been taking it all out on me! So far he has not drank, just going to work (which is good), but the hurtful way he is acting towards me, is beyond pain! I love my husband so much, I don’t understand why he’s being so mean unless he wants to drink. Says for two days now, I hope I die, so I don’t have to come home to you, and that I purposely try to hurt him, and that I’m fat, and on on on! I went to kiss him on the head last nite and he shunned me like usual when he wants to drink. I cleaned his linens for him to smell nice and his blanket and all he said was thanks for keeping the blanket wet. I didn’t realize that it had not fully dried, but he says I did on purpose.
When he drinks I take care of our business so we’ll be OK, but he never seems to see what I do, because he thinks I’m stealing, and destroying, I’m lazy and he does ALL the work period, and has to come home and keep working over little things like a couple of dishes, or a trashcan wasn’t put out, etc etc.
I want to know, since he hasn’t drank, is this NORMAL? For someone who drinks to act this way? It’s like he’s delusional or something and blaming everything on me but NOT DRINKING. We hadn’t worked for a while this year, so of course our saving would go down, due to bills, and supplies when having work. The pain is what is the hardest, I LOVE HIM, and I just don’t understand after so long, WHY is he treating the ONE person in his life that has always been there SO BAD?
I’m done.