We realize this is a totally different type of Marriage Insight than we usually send out to our subscribers. But we feel strongly that God is prompting us to do so. And who are we to argue with God? We believe it is because many of you are dealing with this issue. Or it could be that someone you know is dealing with this situation and it would be a marriage saving gesture to send it to help them. Here is the issue: What do you do when your spouse drinks too much and it is negatively affecting your lives together? Do you close your eyes to what’s going on? Do you keep hoping that someday he/she will finally wake up to the problems the drinking is causing?
Or maybe you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior. The question is, how did that work for you? Has any of those methods helped to propel things forward in a positive way?
It could be that you have “done everything right” and yet you’re still fighting through this as a continual issue. This causes you to wonder how much longer you can hold out hoping things will change. You’re exhausted, confused, and don’t know what to do next.
Spouse Drinks: Excuses, Excuses
And then there are the excuses. You’ve probably heard a million of them! “A few drinks never hurts anybody.” “It’s my business—not yours.” Or maybe it’s: “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ of living without drinking, but every time I fall off” (and then they laugh as if that’s funny). But there’s nothing funny when a spouse drinks too much again and again and again. Despite their “best” efforts, the excuses just don’t hold up. So, yes:
“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more. But these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons“)
Promises, Promises: When a Spouse Drinks too Much
And what about the promises your spouse has made: “from this day forward things will be different”? (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments a wife wrote concerning her husband who has a drinking problem:
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. It was completely frustrating. Bob would look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From Focus on the Family article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)
Good Intentions, But…
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it. Your spouse may have good intentions; but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink).
It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed.
It’s important to note that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol, he/she is using to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.
Wisdom Needed When Spouse Drinks Too Much
So, when you are dealing with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom. You also need to get help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.
“A comment I often have clients, with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is: ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’
“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)
Be Realistic
You also need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this matter, read the following. These articles can set the stage to realistically deal with the truth of this issue. You may not think they pertain to you but read them anyway. Perhaps you can glean a few tips that can help you in this matter:
• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY
So, in light of what’s been discussed so far, we’re going to give you a few tips that you could find helpful.
First:
“Don’t use the ‘A’ or the ‘D’ word. When it comes to confronting a person with an alcohol problem, one of the worst things you can do is call the individual an ‘alcoholic.’ For one, most problem drinkers are not alcoholics by the true definition of the word. Secondly, the stigma associated with the “A” word will most likely put your spouse immediately on the defensive and alienate them even more. Another word to avoid: denial. Accusing your spouse of being in denial will only breed resentment and contempt.
“Highlight the connection between the cocktails and the consequences. A sensitive yet effective way to approach the topic is to link your spouse’s drinking to the results of their behavior. For example, ‘You say you’ve been more tired than usual—that seems to have gotten worse since you started drinking more.’ Or, ‘You say you don’t have time to exercise; I noticed you’ve been skipping your exercise class to make time for going out for drinks.” (Robert Yagoda)
To read more that Robert writes on this issue (which we highly recommend) here’s a link to his insightful article:
• HOW TO HANDLE YOUR SPOUSE’S UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL
And then the following advice from author Angie Lewis, can also be helpful to keep in mind:
Detach With Love.
Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.
Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some earplugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.
To learn more read the following article written by Angie Lewis:
• Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Alcoholism is a Family Disease.
Also, from Skyler Sage, realize that:
Substance abuse by a loved one affects the entire family. We also play our OWN part in the continuation and manifestation of the disease. Our marriage, our family, is like a mobile. Each of us has our own little piece of the delicately balanced structure. Every action on any of our parts shakes the mobile. Tenuous balance quickly becomes imbalanced, shaken up, disrupted. Our role as spouses, children, friends on this mobile is just as powerful as that of the alcoholic’s.
I believe this awareness is the first key in coping understanding that we play an equal part in the drama of living with an alcoholic. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution with every word we speak, every secret we keep, every action we take, every action we avoid taking.
To read more, go to:
• Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Skyler Sage
From Melinda Cook, comes the following advice:
“If you are not in any danger, continue to encourage your spouse to get help. Do not make it seem as though you are lecturing them though, they will rebel and continue in their disastrous ways. Find a support group, go to Al-anon meetings, and learn all you can about addictions. When they are willing to admit they have a problem, find places they can turn to for help in getting better. Coping with an alcoholic spouse can tremendously take a toll on you and your family.”
And it can, as you know.
Also, if your spouse drinks too much:
Here are several additional helpful articles to read when a spouse drinks:
DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Stop Rescuing (Pt 1)
DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Setting Boundaries (Pt 2)
PREPARING FOR A STRUCTURED INTERVENTION
We realize we have given you A LOT of information to pray about and consider. We pray the Lord opens the doors of heaven and pours out His Spirit within you and your home. It is our prayer that He speaks powerfully to your spouse to access how much he or she drinks. Additionally, we pray that your spouse will do something about his or her drinking problem.
Helpful Organizations
To give you direction where you can get help when you or your spouse drinks too much, the following are a few helpful organizations you can contact. We realize that they are not available to help everyone in every country. But for some of you, they can definitely help you:
Also:
• Find Al-Anon Meetings Online
And:
We pray that God will use this article to help you and/or those you know and care about.
But no matter what you are going through, keep in mind:
“Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright…” (Psalm 112:4)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
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and you would like to receive them directly, click onto the following:
I don’t really know where to start. I never thought my husband had much of a drinking problem until I had a chance to listen to my children. I actually thought I was the problem. My husband drinks until he passes out every night after trying constantly to pick fights.
Usually I can ignore for the most part, but over the past years it has gotten much worse. He works out of town and is only home every two or three months for a few weeks but he makes sure I hear the constant belittling every night in the form of a call or text. He threatens to put me in jail on a daily basis for spending all of our money and I am really at a loss.
I have read everyone’s posts. This is such a sad thing to have to deal with, and I see that this disease affects everyone from all different backgrounds. Everyone’s story is different, but there seems to be a common thread.
I’m 51, and my husband has started drinking more and more. At first, he only drank on the weekends. Then it moved to Thursdays too. And more recently, he decided that Wednesdays are acceptable. It is taking less alcohol to make him drunk, and he is getting meaner. In fact, the few days he doesn’t drink, he’s miserable to live with.
He is critical and actively looks for things to complain about. He sometimes even wakes me in the middle of the night to complain about something he thinks I’ve done wrong. During the day, what I do wrong is the common conversation and he will call me from work at least 6 times a day to “discuss” all of the things I do wrong that I need to fix… from cooking to cleaning to monitoring my job to telling me I need to start signing my paychecks over to him, to my lack of fixing him breakfast and lunch to …you know where this is going.
Our son is starting to notice and will pull me aside to tell me how much he feels about his father’s drinking. He doesn’t dare say anything to him or come into the room while he’s drinking. He’s completely disgusted as am I.
I don’t really have the empathy that I’ve heard from some of the writers. I do put my foot down. I will not engage with him when he’s drinking. He can say whatever nasty things he wants, but I walk away and remind him that I’m not his personal punching bag. I don’t yell, I don’t try to reason with him– I just walk away and make sure my son is okay. I warn him not to come near us and he doesn’t. But in the morning, I’m in trouble because “You were mean to me last night!” I feel like I’m dealing with a two-year-old.
Having said that, I do love him. I was beginning to write when he came down the stairs still drunk and asked me what I was doing, and I told him the truth. I said that I was writing to a forum where people are trying to figure out how to handle their spouses drinking. He said, “why?” And I said the same thing that I’ve been saying for awhile: ‘You’re drinking too much and I’m trying to figure out how to handle it’. He said, “But I’m a good boy. Didn’t I clean up the kitchen tonight?” And I made the suggestion that perhaps we might not drink for a month and see how that goes. I have to say that I have 3 glasses of Merlot on the weekends but am completely willing to give that up.
He said that he’d do that, but then changed his mind before stomping upstairs saying “talk to me about it when I’m sober”. Which I will. At which point I prayed and asked for help. I asked for guidance and clarity. I wrote to all of you, which is new for me because I usually don’t reach out. May grace fall upon our home, and may I be given the confidence and patience to know how to respond.
I’m not planning on leaving. But I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. It’s a hidden family disease. I’m not unfamiliar with it because I grew up with it and know the secrecy that goes with it. Like all of you, my family is in pain. It’s hard. I’m trying to hang in there, work, raise my child (11 years-old)… my elderly mother lives with us, my father is in the final stages of leaving this world, my husband is checking out with alcohol… it’s a bit too much.
Responses are appreciated and may God be with you all. Deborah
Deborah, I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you and your family situation. Despite all that is going on, it appears that you are being wise in your approach to all of this (I’m sure you feel weak and inadequate at times… but from the outside looking in, I see wisdom).
I’ve never dealt with an alcoholic spouse. I had a younger adult brother who died of complications brought on by his alcoholism (and family members who have dealt with alcoholism — a mother-in-law, and a stepmom)… so I know some of the difficulties involved. It’s a tough, tough road for all who walk this road. Your husband has no idea the demon that he has let into his life and continues to do so, as he continues to drink as he does.
My dad was a bartender for much of his working life, and I can tell you that when I’d go to my parent’s parties I’d often think that if those who were smashed could only see what fools they were making of themselves, they would run the other way from ever drinking again (I stopped, just because of watching them). They acted as fools, but they never saw it in themselves (they usually don’t). How I pray your husband wakes up and quits going down the road of being a slave to alcohol (it’s not a “kind” or a safe escape) and pray he stops before he cuts his life short and leaves you and his family with regrets, bad memories, and sorrow in the wake of it all.
I don’t know if Al-Anon would be helpful for you –at least to go for a while to glean some information from them. I hope you can find a safe place of relief from the pressure you are under. I’m so sorry about your mom and your dad… this is really rough. I’ve been there with my parents… so, so tough. I want you to know that you are being prayed for and that others DO care and notice that you are trying to do the right thing, even though it is very, very difficult. May God minister to you as you look to Him.
Living with hubby that drinks too much. Going 10 years now. Not sure where to from here. I have been trough all the emotions the lies. -Confused Durban
Never thought I would marry an alcoholic! I saw my mother deal with my dad, and swear I would never marry a guy like that. Little did I know, he hid the drinking from me. Dating and prior to our marriage we did not live together. I worked a lot and never suspected him to be a drinker. One year after marriage, the spirit/devil showed up. Can I say how difficult this is. ?
My husband has his priorities straight when it comes to working and paying his bills, but he drinks all the time. He can drink up to 30 cans of beer in a day. It is affecting his health. He can no longer get an erection. Which at this point I could care less. But my situation is getting worse because he does not like my kids at all. He is very mean to them. I am cought in the middle. What should I do about this? Colleen
Been dating a lady 6 months, thought she had a couple of beers a day to relax. It’s more like 4or 5 everyday and more on the weekends. She sees no problem with it . That’s 365 days a year. I don’t know what to do. She says that it’s probably not going to change. Do I move On?
Hi everyone. Firstly thank you so much for being so brave to comment. Secondly, reading through all of your situations it makes me think I need to quit my relationship now while we are ahead, before it descends into anything worse.
My partner and I have been together for a little over 4 years, we live together and often throughout the week he or sometimes we will have a couple of drinks at home after work which I don’t see as a biggy. What does trouble me is that when he decides to ‘get on it’ he really gets on it, not understanding the point where hes had enough and it’s time to stop or slow down. I’m embarrassed to have him drinking with family or friends as it often means I will be on edge and not enjoy myself as I’m worried at what state he will get in. He also will go to the pub or a friends place for a drink and give me the ‘I’ll be home soon’ message and then doesn’t show up for hours, sometimes not until the next day without a word to tell me thats what hes doing. When he does come home drunk sometimes hes an overly affectionate drunk however it usually descends into an angry augmentative frustrating and annoying drunk, however never violent towards me.
On top of all of this 2 years ago he lost his licence for driving while under the influence and after that happened I thought he would at least learn his lesson and not drink and drive any more, one less thing to worry about, but sadly over the last 6 months he has started doing it again – not learning from mistakes or bothering to think of the consequences.
I love my partner, and when the above isn’t happening, which is the majority of the time, he is the light of my life. But I worry that even though the above isnt happening on a regular basis it may do in the future and I will end up with a life that I dont want or deserve. I have tried talking to him about it, but it just turns into an argument or somehow it turns around that I am the one with an issue not him…. Do I cut my losses and deal with the heartbreak now? Or do I keep trying. I know you can’t change people unless they want to change but how does he come to that conclusion?
My husband gets so drunk he can’t walk talk or function then he will fall down stairs hurt himself and won’t just stay down. I can’t just let him ruin our house. We rent plus it scares me that he could really hurt himself. What can I do? He will stay sober for like a couple months then relapse.
Hello All, Unlike most who have responded on this discussion I’m trying to figure out if my wife is an alcoholic, binge drinker OR? Just to give you a little background…We’ve been married for 18 years (her 2nd marriage) and she also has a thyroid issue that she has taken medication for since we’ve been together. She doesn’t have but a couple of ladies she would call close friends and very rarely goes out and does anything with anyone. We have 2 daughters ages 17, 13 and my oldest understands what is going on and is starting to dislike being around her mom. I have explained to my youngest sometimes mom’s medication gets the best of her and she isn’t sure what she is doing/saying.
I may not be the best husband, but I work hard, love my family and do all that I can to make things good for all involved. I care for my wife very much and after dealing with the drinking issues for about 10 years now I’m trying to figure out if I still love her!? My 2 girls are my world and LOVE them more than life itself! Way back when the drinking issues started it only seem to happen about every 2-3 months, but when it happened it got pretty bad. A couple times had to hold her down so she wouldn’t leave the house drunk/drive.
Like I’ve seen everyone else state she would call me all kinds of names, everything was my fault and she would go through the process of trying to push my buttons until I got upset. She’d always start out with what a terrible husband. Back then I would get upset and scream/yell back at her, but after a few times I would just let it go. So then after that didn’t work she would move onto the girls and what a terrible father I have been for them. Back then that would ALWAYS get a response from me, but after a couple years I would just sit there and take that too. So then she would move on to phase 3 and let me know that many guys at her work found her attractive, sexy and wanted her. Of course at first that would get a response from me, BUT after a while that no longer did.
So after a few years of this just happening 4-5 times a year it started happening once a month, then every other week and finally every week and almost every time on her day off when I’m at the office and the girls were at school and she was alone. It would happen fast because she’d be fine for most of the day because I would get texts from her earlier in the day about what she was doing, but seemed to happen towards the end of the day. Both my girls play sports so they’d be staying after and I’d pick them up on the way home and we would walk into her already in bed at first or sometimes passed out when it started happening once a week. A few times I even called my parents over to help out because I wasn’t sure what to do or what she might do and wanted someone there to be with the girls. She would go through the same process just like clockwork with yelling at me about terrible husband, terrible father and other guys want her!
About a year ago we had a sit down and said this can’t happen anymore or she will lose her girls because they are scared of her/don’t want to be around her when she is like that. She even went to a 1 time-6 hour alcohol rehab session, which really seemed to help and she hadn’t drank for 6-8 months. Well about a month or so ago I think she had a couple drinks, but wasn’t drunk/screaming yelling just went to bed early and no confrontation. Then the other day she called and asked if I could pick up the youngest from practice, which threw me for a loop and thought oh no! (More background-My wife has switched jobs over the last year or so and now is off work by 2pm ish almost everyday during the week so she picks up my youngest all the time since she is already off and my oldest can now drive herself) So that is why I thought oh no! Once again wasn’t “drunk” guessing a couple drinks we had a little “discussion”, but no yelling/screaming. Over the weekend her uncle passed away from cancer, which the family had know about for a while and she wasn’t really close to him, but she knew she would have to deal with her parents, which seems to be an issue for her over the year, which I guess is a big reason I think she has many of the issues she has.
Anyway my youngest had a basketball game that night and got a text from my wife saying she had a rough day dealing with her mom and just wanted to say home and relax and wasn’t going to make it. Of course RED flags go off and I text my oldest asked her how mom seemed. Said I think ok she was doing homework and mom was in the bed room. Got a text about 20 minutes later mom has been drinking and I think a lot. So we get home and she is crying the bed room I go in to see what the issue is and console her for not sure what yet, but she gets up and goes to the bathroom so I go back out and fix dinner for my youngest. She comes out and asks me to come in the bed room and we talk for a bit told her she can’t be drinking she said she didn’t want to talk about I now she just had a bad day can I just hold her so I did.
Next thing I know she is going off on me about once again what a terrible husband I am so I leave the room. Once my oldest gets home from her workout both girls go back to her bedroom and lock the door and my wife just lets loose on my about terrible husband, father and of course how others want her! It was terrible and she was screaming at the top of her lungs, then would laugh, then would want me to hold her/have sex. Told her NO way that was going to happen while drunk and we would talk about it tomorrow. She wouldn’t stop and like I had to do in the past just had to sit there and take it! After about 2-3 hours of this fun she finally laid down and fell asleep so I was able to final get some sleep.
As the norm we don’t talk the next day I’m not sure what to say/what to do?! Usually takes 3-5 days to things get back to “normal”. Not sure if my wife is a binge drinker? Alcoholic? Just a drinking issue as far as she doesn’t know when to stop? I will tell you we NEVER have alcohol in the house I NEVER drink around the house and really don’t drink much at all so any alcohol she has she buys and hides it somewhere. Back in the day I would find bottles of Vodka hidden once I really started looking. Help!! Is she an alcoholic? Thoughts? Was thinking of going to an Al-Anon session? Any feedback would be appreciated I’m hanging from my last string! Thanks!
My alcoholic husband goes on binges for 4 or 5 days about twice a month. During this time he torments me; it’s the most awful feeling and then when he gets sober he wants everything between us to go back to normal. I feel that that isn’t fair. It’s not right that he won’t even talk about his behavior during his binge.
Dear Sir, Good day. My name is Chidinma (NIGERIA). I have been looking for a way to solve this problem but it seems it’s not working out. I have confronted my husband on several occasions in a non violent manner because of his attitude and even went to the extent of detailing him on the causes/effect of such act but to no avail. Please, I need your counsel. My husband drinks at least 4-5 times in a week with an average of 4 bottles of beer for each outing. He also smokes but hides it from me whenever he notices my presence. To worsen the matter, he is suffering from a stomach ulcer.
Yesterday, he came home drunk to the extent of vomiting till day break. I was annoyed. I did not confront him, instead what I did was to dress up and left to work. But when I got to the office, I was really disturbed so I sent him a text message reminding him of the consequences of his actions to himself and the family. I am confused. Do I keep on ignoring his attitude? I have advised him severly to an extent of involving his elder brother to talk to him but nothing seemed to work out.
Help. I’m a 59 year-old man who has been happily married to a bright, attractive and intelligent Christian woman for 25 years. But after years of self medicating for MS symptoms and the loss of her mother, she is smitten by the bottle. Wine mainly. It’s grip defies logic and I live in fear that the urge to drink is overcoming every thing we have built together. I pray to the Lord for answers, a message, or a self awakening. I find empty bottles in her closets, under the sofa, behind the TV. Yes, I’ve confronted her, bargained, and we’ve had many long discussions. It’s been heart breaking. This is something that happens to someone else. Would you be willing to pray for us?
I pray for wisdom and I ask you all to pray with me too. I have a boyfriend who is about to be my husband and we have one small baby. My soon to be husband drinks a lot and drinks everyday. Although he may not get drunk everyday he drinks everyday and smokes too, he even smokes weed. We have talked and talked and talked. He has promised and promised but he’s broken the promises. I am at a point where I feel I can’t stand him anymore and I just wanna call it quits. I don’t know wat to do. I feel bad for our small baby. Can someone advise me or at least pray with me.
Kristen, There are so many things I want to say to you. How I wish we could just get together so I could put my arm around you and start with, “Honey, lets talk…” Why are you thinking of marrying this guy? That’s especially puzzling because you said you’re at a point where you “can’t stand him anymore” and want to “call it quits.” How is this the basis for a good marriage? And how would this marriage be good for your “small baby?” By marrying this guy, will your baby be raised in a loving, stable, protective environment –giving him or her a good start in life? And then if you marry, will you be adding to your family so more children will blessed by being raised in such a healthy, nurturing home?
Kristen, please wake up. Please reread what you wrote in your comment and tell me what you would advise someone else who would ask for your advice if they were in the same place. And then read the comments below yours where you see one comment after the other of devastating, loveless marriages that are going on where sober spouses are pleading for help because of the extremely troubling circumstances they are living in where alcohol is wiping out their chance of having any kind of a “normal” life. The person they married is gone, leaving behind a drunk who lies, cheats, and is totally self-absorbed in meeting their drinking needs. And yet you are thinking of voluntarily stepping into this future?
Just because your boyfriend doesn’t get drunk everyday, it doesn’t mean that your future will be any different until he STOPS –being pro-active in getting help to stop this. Promises will continue to be broken over and over again (as you see and others testify by their comments)… you have seen nothing yet. From what I can surmise from your comments, your boyfriend loves his drink, and himself and taking care of his needs over any that you and your baby may have. If that weren’t true, then his promises wouldn’t be broken. Please, please, please wake up, and take care of your baby and yourself. Your boyfriend won’t and will only keep complicating your life more and more.
IF he gets help …IF he stays away from alcohol and other mind-altering substances, and IF he steps up and shows himself to be a total participant in partnering with you your relationship and raising your child in a healthy, loving home OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME –not just for you, but because he is totally changed and realizes it’s the right thing to do, THEN it would be okay to consider marrying. But if not, please run the other way. He is headed into a downward tailspin (much worse than now), and will take you and your child with him. The dysfunction you are living with now will forever change your baby’s future to be a horribly sad one, rather than a good one, which is still possible at this point.
Please leave the dysfunction behind you and reach out to straighten out your life and the life of your baby. You don’t have to keep feeling “bad” for this baby… you can pray for wisdom, reach out to the Lord, and run with that wisdom in a GOOD direction. I DO pray for you and for this baby, and for your boyfriend to wake up. But until and unless he really, really does, you can still do the right thing and build a good life for you and this child. I hope you will and pray strength and insight for you to be able to do so.
I have been married for 25 years and had four children. My oldest committed suicide almost four years ago at the age of 27 and my husband started drinking more. He has had two DUIs (the last one about three months ago) and says that he is not an alcohol abuser. He quit drinking for about 2 months to prove he wasn’t abusing alcohol but about a week ago he started drinking again; not a lot but a beer or glass of wine.
My youngest son is 15 and has been the target along with me with his berating and yelling. He sometimes would come home after two in the morning and yell at us. Even pulling me out of bed or pouring cold water on me, then in the morning not remembering he did it. The problem is my youngest started smoking pot during this time and will just leave the house and not say where he is going. He will lie and take money. My husband has caught him many times with pot.
I travel a lot with my job and am scared of what might happen while I am gone. My son can be manipulative and has tried to get me to leave my husband. We put him in a treatment center for three weeks but it only has made things worse. My husband can be in denial with what he does when he drinks. I have tried to get both of them in counseling but have not succeeded. My son wouldn’t get out of the car when he had an appointment and my husband doesn’t think he has any type of problems and it is all my son.
I am out of country now and my son texted me and said my husband has been drinking and coming in late the last 3 nights. When he got home last night, my son said my husband hit him several times and locked him out of the house and made him sleep in the garage. When I called my husband he denied it and said my son was trying to be manipulative. I don’t know who to believe and am so scared something will happen. I feel like I am a terrible mom because I don’t know if my son is lying or if he really needs help. I have no one that can check on him. I have already lost a son and can’t bare all this. What do I do?
Hi Kim, Clearly you need help from experts for your situation. Alcoholism is a terrible thing to grow up with as a child… I know. Very likely the deep wounds stemming from the passing of your oldest are still fresh and affecting you all more than you perhaps realize. You are not a terrible mom, rather you have carried a heavy load and need some help! WP (Work in Progress)
There’s so much I thought I knew but actually I don’t have a clue how to survive my situation. I’ve been to Al-anon and felt good after the meeting. But then it’s the same old feelings that surface. I have my own demons; food. I finally went to get help at 68 years old and lost 130 lbs. I feel good about myself but I know that taking care of me and keeping the lbs off takes effort and keeping it green. So…I go to my weekly meetings, write down my food choices, and if I have a bad week, I know where to go for help. It was never easy for me. I have an addiction to food. The only way for me is to be accountable to MYSELF!
It’s not any different than my husbands drinking issues. I know I really can’t help him until he admits to HIMSELF he has a problem and wants to do something about it. We’ve been married for, are you ready, 45 years. I’ve survived cancer, lost weight, gone to school st 65 and never once did I feel unworthy of good things not happening for me. It hasn’t been a charmed life but I’m still here, and will be ready if that day ever happens to my husband. The only thing I can do is take care of me. It sounds selfish but it’s a simple formula. I’m codependent; I know it. So I’ll try to be ready for that sacred day if it ever comes. God please help my husband but more importantly, help me stay strong.
Hi Kathy, Well… You have done an excellent job of surviving your situation already for a long time!! Obviously you’re the expert here! You’re right, your husband can move forward only when he admits he has a problem, and when he wants help for himself. Do you have trusted Christian friends with whom you can share these things? Having others around you is a huge advantage. You say the “only thing I can do is take care of me…” It seems you have so much to give! I have found that when we give ourselves away, that God takes care of us in infathomable ways. Your husband is lucky to have you! WP (Work in Progress)
Hello, my husband for 5 years now is a very heavy drinker, and he’s both verbal and physical at times but the verbal is mostly the issue. If I was to keep quiet his violent behavior is not much of an issue. I love him and left many times. But this time we are fixing to raise a family of twins that I am carrying and I am stuck between wanting to better my children and myself by getting away from the problem but I also know he has no one and feels that he really needs us as a family and I’m very torn on what to do. I feel that he needs a healthy support system but there is no way he could quit this disease alone. In fact, I feel it would make his situation much worse. What are some things as a supportive and loving wife, that I could do in order to help him?
Hi Karah, Your husband is very fortunate with you, and yes, you both need a healthy support system which does not allow him to get away with this behavior, and at the same time moves him toward recovery from this problem.
I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. Alcoholism was a big issue during my growing-up years.
You husband needs to first admit that he has a problem which needs fixing (this is half the battle already,) and then he wants to actively seek help. If your husband is not yet at this place of admission and desire to change in his life, then your need to surround yourself with support in terms of trusted friends, family and a church community is that much greater. There are many organizations which specialize in this problem- Alcoholics Anonymous is well known. You could certainly contact an AA near you for further advice.
As a supportive and loving wife, you can indicate in all kinds of ways that you are there for him and love him, but that this behavior cannot continue. “Tough love” I believe that is called. It is essential that your twins are exposed as little as possible to an alcoholic father… the mood swings, verbal and physical violence can scar children for life. I know. I have seen this for myself. Your husband also needs to be aware of the grave effect this problem can have on his children.
I cannot be more specific right now, and I am not a “liscensed expert” in these matters. I have had the experience as a child, though, and I have seen what domestic violence (verbal and or physical) can do to a family. I hope these comments help. You are among friends here, Karah. May God bless you and guide you…. WP (Work in Progress)