“Flirting is fun and usually begins in innocence. It’s a hard habit to break, even after marriage. Yet it causes jealousy. Worse, it puts us into situations we never intended to fall into, and it creates misunderstandings that can lead to infidelity.” (Jerry Jenkins)
Whether it’s intentional or not, flirting with someone other than your spouse is a form of emotional infidelity.
It’s a serious relationship matter, especially to the offended spouse. That’s why we’re approaching this subject by sharing a portion of a TV program titled, You’re Not the Person I Married, aired December 5, 2002 on the Dr Phil Show (which you can find more information about concerning this particular program and additional information, by following the provided “Show Archives” link to DrPhil.com).
In this show one of the couples, Joe and Karmen, were battling over his flirting with other women and the emotional affairs he later developed with several of them. To Joe, it was all innocent fun, because as he said, “there was no sex involved.” But Karmen felt hurt and betrayed.
They set up that segment of the program, showing a tape of both Joe and Karmen explaining their “sides” on the issue.
Karmen said:
“I was in love with Joe, and he swore that he’d be faithful to me when we got married. Joe’s been involved with several women over the years, and he says they’re just emotional affairs. But they bother me just the same. I’m suspicious of everything that Joe says to me. And I’m constantly checking up on him.”
To that Joe responds:
“I never thought I would really be able to give up the attention I want from other women. The flirtations with women I have, they’re just romantic. There’s no sex involved.” And “when I tell the truth” (to Karmen when questioned by her) she”gets hurt, so I sometimes have to lie to save her feelings. To be honest, I never thought we’d be married as long as we are now. I think the kids right now have a lot to do with us still being together.”
They then, show a segment where Karmen’s sitting with her son who was crying telling his mom “it’s all my fault” for the problems they’re having. After the video, Dr Phil asks, “Joe, you just saw the toll this has taken on your son. So how much fun is that flirting now?” to which Joe replied, “It’s not fun at all.”
Karmen said,
“He didn’t know that was going to be on there, but I wanted him to see how bad he’s hurting our son without him even realizing it. My son came to me and said, ‘It’s my fault Dad’s unhappy with life because Dad told me he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for us and he’s unhappy being here.’ I said, ‘Joel, he was trying to let you know how much he loves you; that even though he’s not happy with himself, he’s here for you, that he loves you.’ But, of course, my son didn’t take it that way.”
Dr Phil addressing Joe, said,
“You say, ‘I got married, knowing I wouldn’t want to give up the affection of other women. I’m having emotional affairs, but nothing physical.’ You know, just color me cynical, but I don’t believe that. I’m not saying you are or you aren’t —I have no evidence. I can’t prove one way or the other —all I know is what you say, and just one guy to another, I don’t believe that for a split second. But —that’s your position. And then you go say this to your children? Do you feel any responsibility to the health and welfare of this family as it relates to your choices?”
Joe replied, “I never knew my choices would really affect the family the way they have. I have, in the past, thought sometimes, it’s better we should just split up, however.” Dr Phil said, “Well, that’s one option, that’s true, to just say, ‘You know, I’ll just go —and y’all make your own way.’ Joe then admitted, “You know, I like what I have. You know, I love Karmen; I love the kids. I don’t want to give that up either.”
When Dr Phil asked Karmen if she felt betrayed by these emotional affairs, she said, “They hurt just the same as if he was out having a physical affair.” Dr. McGraw said, “Well, you are betrayed.” Then turned to Joe and asked him if it truly was a betrayal to which Joe affirmed that they were.
Betrayal
Phil then said to him, “Let me tell you, anytime you turn away from instead of towards your partner to meet emotional needs, physical needs, needs that are appropriate to a committed, intimate relationship, that’s a betrayal. So you have these needs, and you’re turning away from your wife to meet those needs. What do you expect her to do about that?”
Joe replied, “Well, I know I lost her trust. And I know it will be hard to regain it. But all I can do is say I’m sorry. The feeling I was looking for was that new relationship feeling. We’ve been married 14 years, and, you know, I miss that feeling.
Dr Phil then said, “So you thought, ‘I’ll just go get it somewhere else. And I’ll let my children pick up the tab for that immaturity. I’ll let my wife pick up the tab for that immaturity. Plus, I’ll let our family go down in flames, so I can get a rush every 30 days?'”
Joe said, “I never really looked at it that way. Honestly, I didn’t think it affected them a lot of times. I guess really it was, ‘What they don’t know don’t hurt’.”
Giving Up Wants
Dr Phil then replied, “You said, ‘When I got married, I knew I wasn’t going to give up my want for these other women. I didn’t think we would stay married very long.’ So I guess you just thought you’d just bring some kids in the world. Then you’d just leave them in your wake as you went to the next conquest. ‘What they don’t know doesn’t hurt them.’ Are you rethinking that as you sit here now?”
Joe said, “Oh, definitely, yes.” Dr Phil then said, “That’s a good thing because this is about wake-up calls. I’m not trying to beat you up. I’m trying to wake you up and get you to realize what you’re doing here.”
Joe acknowledged that he now saw his behavior in a different light and that he had been wrong but he wasn’t able to make a firm promise to stop for fear that if he failed he’d hurt his wife again with another “broken promise.” He did say he “wanted to” stop flirting and seeing other women.
At that point, Dr Phil said:
“Listen, I understand. Isn’t it all fun when you’re falling in love and everything is new and fresh and all that? That’s all fun just like riding a roller-coaster is great fun for some people. But the truth is, as we mature, we realize that love doesn’t get old; it just transforms.
You know, at first, you’re up all night talking and you’re doing all of this stuff and everybody gets all excited and everything. And I always hear them say, ‘Oh, we’re like soul mates. She knows me so well, she can finish my sentences.’ Then two years later, it’s, like, ‘Hey quit interrupting.’ OK? You know we get that evolution, but we label it as negative when really it’s just a change.”
“I don’t stay up all night talking to my wife because I want to go to sleep. But you know what? It may not be exactly the same; it’s better, but different. If you mature enough to allow that to happen, what you find out is —in exchange for some of the exhilaration in the unknown, you have comfort, you have security —you have a soft place to fall. And when you put effort and energy into it, you can create that exhilaration at the right time along the way.
But in the meantime, you mature into nurturing what’s there, learning to label that the same way you label the others. There’s a big difference between falling in love and being in love.”
Wake Up Call
We appreciate how Dr Phil tried to bring a wake up call to Karmen and Joe. Plus, he gives it to all married couples who will listen who feel flirtations aren’t harmful. What may seem to be “innocent” flirting in the eyes of one spouse, can spiral into all sorts of problems with a lot of innocent people to getting hurt. That’s not what marriage partnership is supposed to involve.
It comes down to the fact that marriage is designed to be entered into by grown-ups —those who are willing to act as mature adults, who vow to join together in exclusive partnership with each other and with God as a “chord of three strands.” It’s a relationship that is to be honored as sacred and protected by both partners so no one outside the marriage has the opportunity to “divide what God has joined together.” (See Mark 10:7-9)
You might find it helpful to follow something that author Jerry Jenkins discovered and shared in his book, Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It
He wrote,
“I enjoy having fun and being funny, and my mind tends to find humor in words and unusual combinations of ideas. For this reason I could easily flirt with anyone I thought was receptive. Much flirting is funny. If someone says something flirtatious with me, my first impulse is to expand on it. I want to play with it, and see how quick and funny I can be. But I resist that. It isn’t fair. It’s mental and emotional unfaithfulness. I would be exercising a portion of my brain and soul reserved for my exclusive lover —my spouse.”
Jerry knows, and so should we, that this isn’t what we should be doing. It’s not God’s way and it shouldn’t be our way either. Think about it, isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be? Exclusive? If not, why marry?
We need to consider what God’s word says about our actions:
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.“ (Hebrews 13:4)
The flirtatious spouse might not think that he or she is being “sexually immoral” because he/she isn’t actually going through a physical, sexual act with another person. However, the Word of God says,
“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person —such a man is an idolater —has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.” (Ephesians 5:3-5)
Also, it is written:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (Matthew 5:27-29)
We beg you to save your flirting for your spouse. Invest your energies in your marriage instead of with someone else. You could find your relationship so much better, feeling newer and revived. And as a result you, your spouse, your children, and your God will be blessed.
Jerry Jenkins has a suggestion in his book that is a good one:
“If you want to flirt, flirt with your wife. She may not look, feel, or sound the way she did when you first flirted with her years ago, but she still wants you to flirt with her. Try it. Wink at her across the room. Blow her a kiss no one else sees. Play footsie with her under the table. Give her a squeeze, a pinch, a tickle no one else notices.”
He continues this thought by saying,
“Wouldn’t you like to be flirted with by someone who loves you, someone who can tease you about what she might do with you later and then deliver?”
You may think someone else might enjoy your flirtations more than your spouse. But when you took your marriage vows, you promised exclusivity with your marriage partner. So instead, try flirting with your spouse —you may like it! And it may just help to keep your romance alive. It sure has for us as we’ve flirted with each other throughout our 45+ year marriage.
Cindy and Steve Wright
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Marriage Messages
(USA) This article could not be more true. Infidelity, both the full-blown consummated affair, and the emotional varieties are something that I have been on the ugly side of, and which I have studied in depth. I have counseled couples and more often than not, the danger (by the one doing the emotional cheating) is termed nothing more than "harmless fun" or "innocent flirting".
It’s not so innocent or harmless as it turns out. As noted in the article, once the "soul mate" thing occurs, Look Out! If I only had a nickel for every person who has run off with their "it’s only a friend" partner –disrupting families in the process. But even if they do not leave, they do not realize the impact upon the spouse. The level of betrayal and hurt is huge — in fact they negate it which only compounds the hurt. Nor do they realize the devastating effect it has on the family even if they are not "caught". When the attention is turned elsewhere, the marriage and the family automatically suffers.
(USA) Allen, You explained this phenomina in a different way – but it’s easy to understand. What they don’t know DOES hurt them. It’s not that you should know every detail of your partner, but when they are making decisions that go against you – it hurts you even if you never find out.
(MEXICO) I am married to my second husband of 9 years who is 68 (I am 59). I am his third wife. We are getting ready to separate. He retired 2 years ago and we moved to Mexico. I work, he does not. He has always been very charming to all women, kissing hands and acting flirtatious. He has particular interest in young attractive women in their 20s and 30s.
Prior to moving here they were usually artists or someone whom he had something in common. Since moving here these flirtations have become more involved "friendships" my husband tells me. I have told him many times how uncomfortable I am with these. These young woman hardly speak his language (he is not yet fluent in Spanish). He tells me he needs affection. I see this as emotional abandonment/infidelity. I thought for the last 8 years I was just insecure, even though I felt uncomfortable. I now realize that it is a problem. At my age I find it humiliating.
(ST.MARTIN) I have recently married to the man of my dreams. It has been just three months now and already I am experiencing this problem. My husband is addicted to the internet and loves to flirt with women on various websites and chatrooms. One day while looking for some photos on our computer I stumbled upon pornographic pictures of a woman he was having cyber sex with. Not only that but he was also exposing his private parts and masturbating on webcam for her.
Upon further searching I discovered more conversations saved from his msn chats with other women, saying things to them that he should be saying only to me. I cannot say how much this has hurt me and caused me to lose complete trust in him. It has taken a tole on my health also in that every time I see him sitting at the computer I suspect that he is back to his lies, deception and infidelity and immediately I begin to get panic attacks and I hyperventilate.
I am 31 years old and I don’t know how long I can continue like this. I confronted him about it and it seems to me like he values his cyber escapades more than the happiness of his wife and the success of his marriage.
Can someone please advise me as to what I should do? I have not stopped being a virtuous woman and I do everything in my power to make my husband happy.
(USA) Divorce HIM!! You deserve better. He won’t stop, he’ll just cover his tracks better.
Anna, I appreciate your motive. And you’re right, most likely Nadine’s husband won’t stop entertaining himself in this manner (and COMPLETELY disregarding that he is married), and will ramp up his behavior and learn to “cover his tracks better” if he is not convicted or motivated that he is to change. It’s like what Kirk Cameron said, “Understand that the heart of the problem in marriage is always the problem of the heart” … “A supernatural thing needs to happen (before he will change his behavior). Without a new heart, all the great advice in the world will do nothing.” If this husband’s heart doesn’t change on this matter, his behavior won’t change in a positive way. Nadine needs to realize this, confront her husband and expect different behavior from him. He is her marriage partner and is not supposed to share himself with other people in this manner. This behavior is not acceptable. If he wants to do these types of things with other women (as sick as they are) he is choosing not to be married.
But that is not our decision to tell her to divorce him. Only God is the one who is to show her that. If he is being adulterous in these active ways, she CAN leave him and/or divorce him (and will have the “right” scripturally), but that doesn’t mean that she SHOULD. It MAY mean that, but it may not. God may have other ways in which He will change this man and this marriage (we have seen Him do this many, many times). If we interfere by OUR telling her to do this, we may be interfering with His redemption story. Only God can tell Nadine if she should stay or go, either temporarily, or permanently, and when. We just don’t have the authority to do that. We can sympathize, we can be supportive in helping her in many tangible ways if we have a way to do that, we can listen, pray for her, and love her as our sister, but we can’t point our finger at her and tell her that she IS to divorce her husband. That is not for us to say.
If Nadine is reading this, I hope that you are leaning upon the Lord and pray that He is helping and guiding you. I hope that your husband has either woken up already, or will do so in the future. I hope you have or will find others around you that will give you sound, supportive advice and help in the ways in which you need it. I hope you have a supportive church or will look for one. May God guide you in finding the help you need and the support you need.
(USA) Cindy, you are exactly right! I can totally relate to Nadine’s story. I am now divorced from a husband that was addicted to porn. He also chose to stay in touch with old girlfriends with whom he had sexual relations with among MANY other things. Although I am very happy to be out of that marriage, the problem is that my finance now wants to get married very soon and the thing is I have been putting it off because he is worse than my ex husband.
We have been together for about 2 & half years now. I have really only known how bad his addiction was until maybe last year. I started finding out little things like surfing pornographic pictures & sites. I found out he was calling other women while away. He even had an affair which lead to bringing a child into this world.
I’m not sure I can go through with this other marriage. He claims he has changed as far as “physical cheating” for a while now & I notice he is always with me but I have found porn sites with thousands of pictures & videos on his computer within the last few months. I can’t begin to count how many. I tried to just ignore it thinking I was just being too jealous or overreacting so at the time I just deleted them.
Well, I couldn’t just forget about & I still can’t. It’s driving me crazy thinking about it. Wondering is he still signed up with all these singles site? Is he still surfing the web for these things? I think he’s still talking with other women online. I just cannot trust him & I’m not so sure I ever can. I recently brought it up with him & discussed how much of a problem it was to me & that it has been for quite some time now. He, at first of course got very upset about it & wanted to stay angry. But he is now reading into this site along with a lot of other issues this site helps with.
I just have this feeling this is not gonna be it. That it’s gonna take a lot more than just reading about it & how it effects others. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking of how much it hurts. He says he wants to change & is willing to look more into all this but I find it hard to believe with all the times he has lead me to mistrust him. As I said earlier on, he wants to go ahead & get married asap.
I just can’t bring myself to get that far with him only to be hurt again. I don’t want to mess up a good thing by not making it official & right with God by not marrying him but I’m so hurt, I have no self esteem anymore. I can’t eat right. I’m so stressed. It’s all I think about. I just can’t get his wrong doing & all these other women out of my head. I feel like I have lost my whole being. I feel ugly. I feel like I’m not good enough & never will be. I feel like there are no more good men out there & if there is, they could never love me. How can I get these images out of my head? All I do is picture him with other women. I have nightmares about it.
I’m with him everyday pretty much now but I feel so alone at the same time. I feel like he will never truly understand what he has done to me, and is doing to me. Am I wrong to want to wait to marry him? Should I just trust that he will change & go ahead with the wedding? Am I wrong for having these thoughts? I thought for the longest time that something was wrong with me for feeling this way. I felt crazy. I just can’t begin to describe how much it hurts to have the one you love cheat on you whether it’s physical or emotional.
(NZ) To all of you who have suffered with the questions on yourself & your partner, particularly when he chooses to share himself either via cyber gratification, or gratification elsewhere. I was advised prior to my marriage that my husband would ‘get over it’ once our relationship went to depths… He didn’t.
However as trust continued to be eroded, I did… I realised this was not about me. I realised this was about his choices. I also realised that he may have chosen me because subconsciously he wanted someone to ‘police’ his behaviour.
It took a total disinterest in my part in being willing to ‘police him.’ And a straight out ‘that’s not addiction, that’s choice’ discussion (more than once) for him to start to think that actually he couldn’t blame his youth, his peers, his needs. He could only blame himself. Often taking responsibility for ones behaviour is more than individuals can bear.
Fortunately he began to realise that these were his choices. That I wasn’t interested in developing any ‘coping strategies” that the popular psycology advises. That basically he take responsibility and make different choices, or hit the road.
Its been months & months now, & he has actually began to realise that he is in control of his choices. That if he wants to deepen his spousal relationship then he needs to ‘man up’ and get with the program…not the internet program….
This also applied in some ways to a coworker, which he began to spend far too much business time with… Fortunately for him, her hidden agenda was his job, not his body… However it was just another example for him that perhaps his wife could see things that he hadn’t been seeing.
So, the choice to divorce… yes it is infidelity, & truly, can you ever let it go? I think not. It is a wound that will need cleaning out continually. However, look deep into yourself, & work out where you are at, and what emotional wounds of your own this is hitting… sought them (I do not in any way blame your wounds for your cheating spouses behaviour) but get the best out of this situation before you either move on with or without this person.
(USA) Am, It appears as if you have given a great deal of thought to your answer. I think you are making a big point when you mentioned that you’re not going to police him, and also that accountability is very important in resolving issues between spouses.
I have been married for about 3+ years to a man who when I met him was quiet and gentlemanly. I did not realise that that gentlemanly behavior was just a cover. He has been sly, sneaking, flirts with most of my friends, and is a serial flirter in most social situations. Even at church I have observed him getting close to females by getting their trust, being malicious about me, then he sees the opening to get more intimate with these ladies.
He frequently lies when confronted and says that I am imagining things. Of course, he becomes upset about being confronted. I am at the point where I plan to use your technique of setting priorities as far as accountability and calling him out on the choices he has made. Emotional infidelity leaves the victim very hurt and not trusting. That’s an awful place to be.
Also, I agree that despite the pain, I’ll need to figure out what it was that attracted me to him. It takes a good while to get to the position where I can confidently confront him with those wise suggestions that you made.
(CANADA) Hello Nadine, I can’t really give you advice. But I had a similar disappointment with my husband. I tried to convince him to stop by crying, begging, yelling, screaming, counselling, distancing, everything. Nothing worked. He wasn’t as aggressive with his online dabbling but it did go on for over 10 years.
Finally I found myself nearly a single mom, a stay-at-home mom, who had given up on her marriage without realizing it. It was all a sad situation.
Feeling so disrespected and so dejected for so long, with our love life lacking any sparkle and our romantic life non-existent, I fell hard for the first seductive snake that paid any attention to me in the schoolyard. I didn’t have an affair of my own but I came dangerously close. Then I almost lost my marriage, 12 years in with 2 kids to worry about. Please be proactive and fix this problem NOW!
(US) Flirting is a major form of disrespecting your partner. I have never agreed with it so trying to see the "innocence" in it is not easy. I’m have a fiance that feels nothing is wrong with having many female friends, which are ex girlfriend’s and he is flirting with them. "I need to loosen up". I would never disrespect him on any level so it’s hurtful that he can’t see why it hurts so bad.
(US) I am surprised to see an article on emotional infidelity – and relieved. I thought I was crazy sometimes. My husband engaged in an emotional affair – I assume it never went farther – with a colleague. I wanted him to have his friends and gave him time to do things with them.
Then I began noticing the gifts he’d buy her, the time he spent looking for just the right thing, the time he spent with her, the sharing of her car, traveling for business with her, and on and on. I told him their relationship was beginning to trouble me and asked him to be cautious because I did not want it to destroy our marriage. I did not realize it already had.
Shortly after, I said I was not comfortable around her and I asked him to cut back on the time he spent with her or on the phone with her. This was after he spent our family vacation talking to her from a distance and avoiding me entirely. I asked him to cut back, assuming the best of him, thinking they were just friends. I asked him to do it for me, to show me he loved me as his wife, to spend some of those hours, he’d spend with her, with me instead … and he said No.
He claimed it was not an affair, but when I asked him to choose me, weeping for him and for our marriage, he was already gone. He walked out. His heart was hers already. I am writing this for those who think it’s innocent. It is not. You may think you can control it, it’s just fun, just flirty, whatever. It is not. Before you know it, your heart is hard and your family is destroyed. When sin comes calling, run! Don’t stay and play thinking you can beat it.
(USA) I know the pain all to well of an “emotional” affair. I was married for 22 years, we got married young and had 8 children together. Our last son was a stillborn due to a cord accident. I had noticed that my husband did not seem too concerned. He was distant and did not console me at all. Two weeks later he went to Vegas with friends to watch the Super Bowl. When he got home, I unpacked his bag and noticed a gift basket with lotions and creams and little hearts written on a card saying “For you to enjoy”. He claimed it was for me, but oddly had never given it to me.
I finally decided to check our cell phone bill and wouldn’t you know it… while I was holding our sleeping little boy in the hospital (which I was in labor for 3 1/2 days and required emergency surgery and a blood transfusion) he was on the phone in the hallway with her for 37 minutes. The day before my son was born there were 52 text messages between the two of them. The list goes on and on.
I took my 6 boys on vacation for a month to our family vacation home and he went thru 25,000 dollars just in the month of July while he was home alone. The phone bill showed the text messages between them in July were insane! All hours, back and forth. He still claims she is/was just a friend and he needed a good friend since our marriage was suffering after losing our son.
My daughter had stayed at school (working on finishing medical school) and noticed Dad was never home when she went home from college. This woman was kept a secret but he claims I knew her. He totally tried to make me crazy. I could not take anymore and moved back to my home state. He blames everyone else but himself and has become verbally and emotionally abusive. The road has been long and painful but I believe that I did the right thing. I never thought my children would be involved in a divorced family, but I do believe that the option of staying would have been more damaging!
I have since developed Epilepsy due to the stress and have been hospitalized 3 times in 6 months. Not one card or flower from him! The text messages continue between the two, sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. I believe it started as an emotional affair as she worked at a supply store he bought stock from. Whatever happened after that, I will never really know. But it did ruin our marriage and our family!
Please think before engaging in a flirting and initially benign friendship. You never know what could happen. It ruined my marriage of almost 23 years and hurt 7 beautiful children! And made the memories of my lost son so much harder! Why do men that have emotional affairs try to blame the wife? All he says it that I am crazy, I am jealous, I need to find more to do with my time (as I am a stay at home mom) and that I let my mind wonder and it is all my fault. Go figure!
(WA) An emotional affair is cheating. I used to think my wife was over-reacting. We were busy folks, kids, work. I found friendship with a single woman. She had her own set of baggage but we exchanged stories, shared a few beers. It was harmless I kept telling myself.
Jump ahead a year. I am now divorced. My marriage ended because my wife refused to tolerate my emotional affairs. My kids don’t see me, I was fired from my job because some personal documents trusted in my x-wife’s safekeeping made their way back to my boss.
Do it again. No. I miss my wife. I miss my kids and I miss my life before my harmless emotional affair. The girlfriend has since made her way through several of the men at the bar. I’m an idiot.
(USA) Dwayne, I’m not sure how you should still miss your wife when she filed a barrage attack against you, due to an “emotional” affair. You haven’t done the physical act, but she showed some information which cost you your job. I just wanted your comments on it.
(USA) What? Obviously YOU have never been on the other end of an emotional affair. His wife was deeply hurt and she wanted to make him feel just a twinge of that. He said he had trusted that to her. Well, she had trusted him with something of greater value, her heart, and look what happened! Come out of your shell dude. Unfortunately Dwayne’s emotional affair cost him a lot, more than that affair was worth!
Dwayne I am sorry to hear about all you lost. I can understand how your ex-wife feels though. It does hurt. Have you ever tried to go to her & talk to her about this? Have you ever considered trying it with her? Just a thought.
(USA) Still, Dwayne had the emotional affair which hurts, but she used private information to hurt his career, which has nothing to do with an affair. It’s not right, even though the affair is not right. They should have handled it as a family unit. I do not expect you to see my point.
I am now starting to believe that once you start a “Tit for Tat” or a “violent” exchange or way of dealing with people you cannot turn it off. You have killed it.
His wife has killed it, and who knows which other ways she will hurt him in the future? I believe he should find someone who is not as malicious. It can cost him a lot of time, energy and even his life on this earth.
(USA) Daddy L – the emotional affair was wrong period. It is adultery. It is sin. Jesus said that Adultery begins in the heart.
My DH and I are dealing with this right now. He had the emotional affair and will not admit it for what is is (or was, as I am unsure if it is really over).
Have you considered that the Lord allowed the “personal documents” to come out to get Dwayne’s attention? Especially in businesses who rely on ethics and employee trust, you have to keep it clean. Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap.
To blame his wife sounds a lot like Adam blaming Eve for his sin. You can turn off tit-for-tat and “violent” exchanged – it’s called die to self, take up the cross and follow Him! His wife didn’t kill anything! Put yourself in her place – guarantee that you would react (as opposed to respond) the same way – just a little different method. It’s called punishment! Both men and women do it.
The warnings in the Word of God are there for a reason – because of His steadfast love for us! Hey, Gomer didn’t do much in the way of being un-malicious with Hosea – but what the Lord had Hosea do is impossible for man, but possible for God!
So please try seeing things from both sides. Dwayne has woken up and hopefully cast off the sin and weight that hinders him and asked the Lord to make satan flee from him.
Dwayne, may you look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith – humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up – God hates divorce and He is in the business of reconciliation – first to Himself, then to each other. Then go to your wife in faith.
Recommending the Word of God, Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, this website, Rejoice Marriage Ministries, FamilyLife and many others you can link from these names. May the Lord bless you with His unfailing love, mercy and grace.
(CANADA) Daddy L needs to get his head out of the sand. An emotional affair may be worse than a physical affair. It completely destroys the other partners trust and faith right to their very soul. I’m the recipient of the second emotional affair that my wife is having. So I’ve been there and am there again.
(USA) Jack is right. Emotional affairs hurt, and having been the recipient I would not wish it on anyone. I know how bad it hurts, when you know for a fact and you just cannot get through to your own spouse.
(INDIA) Emotional affairs are heartbreaking. They destroy the very fabric of a marriage. I have been a recipient of 5 such affairs by my husband. He moved away from me emotionally and did not think it bad to use my body for his sexual needs, to keep himself secure enough from saying it was not an affair. He would cover up and how! Of course a woman senses and knows the part the other woman is playing.
I threatened to leave him and hurt him with an affair of my own. It was stupid but it worked. He went to a counselor at last. Today he says he understands how much these so called emotional friendships have harmed us– but how do I regain the trust and the need to give tit for tat for some kind of action? The sadness never seems to leave me, and the guilt of using another man to make my marriage work.
(SOUTH AFRICA) We’ve been married for 1 year. My wife still has contact via sms and e-mails with some of her old boyfriends. The other night she insisted that we must have dinner with one of her previous boyfriends. They had a fully sexual relationship. We have a great marriage but I don’t know how to handle this, so I don’t discuss it. Even one of my best friends is sending her sms messages. Even if it is just e-mail messages between friends, is it ok? I don’t want to be unreasonable.
(DENMARK) My wife did something like this to me once. I discovered she was chatting on MSN with a guy she had flirted with before she knew me. They sent each other emails, she even demanded that I leave the room when she chatted with him. Having grown up with parents that have both participated in numerous affairs, I’m quite quick to sense when something is going on.
One day she had left her email account open and though I felt bad, I couldn’t resist reading a few of the mails between her and this guy. Sure enough, they were discussing feelings of the past and how these feelings between them seemed to linger on. I put my foot down hard immediately and told her to cut all contact with this guy if she wanted to stay with me.
As far as I know she has never been in contact with the guy since. Still I’ve found it tough to get over, though I believe there was nothing physical between them. Though more than two years have passed I still feel unable to completely trust her and sometimes wonder if it is right for us to stay together. One thing is for sure; you should NEVER tolerate this sort of behaviour in a person who is supposed to love you.
(UK) I could not agree with you more Peter.
(USA) My husband and I have been going through a lot of problems recently. I asked him to move out for a while because of how dreadful, abusive, and ugly our arguments were becoming. I’ve always told him I don’t want a divorce, but we are in desperate need of counseling for several reasons. Today, I came upon an e-mail from a former lover of his that simply said “I love you”. I can’t explain how much it hurt to see that they were even in contact with each other anymore. He promised me he would stop communicating with her.
Now I feel as if there isn’t even any reason to try to salvage our relationship. The e-mail was sent before he even moved out, so I have no idea how long this has been going on. I have been trying to pray and ask God to help me move past anger and bitterness, but it’s so hard. I just don’t understand how a person can do such things and still claim to love you.
(U.S.A.) I am absolutely devastated by my husband’s emotional affair. I was so happy when he seemed to have made a friend at work so they could share the agonies of the job together. Also, I thought it was nice that he had someone to go for lunch with or a coffee. Little did I know, these lunches and coffees became a regular daily routine. They would text each other and call each other after work and on weekends yet continue to claim “Just friends” status.
I am regarded as the jealous wife that is controlling because I won’t let my husband have any friends. I am so sick about this situation. He will not cut off the relationship with her and it has really broken up our family unit. Even with counseling he claims he has done nothing wrong. I want to walk out but I have five children to consider. I feel so trapped and betrayed. My heart aches every day. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
(AUSTRALIA) I am going through this problem right now. My husband is doing exactly what you guys are talking about. We have been arguing about it for two months. He says “we are just very close friends and now physically touch; you have to get over it.” If he chooses between us he says he will choose his friendship.
I happened to look at his email and found out that they write something like “I miss you very much” “I am always thinking about you” “we never have long enough time together” “I dreamed of you in a inappropriate way” “I have a feeling for you”. It hurts me so much, but he dose not realize this. He thinks it is ok to do it and there is nothing wrong with it. I really feel hurt and betrayed. I am in the verge of divorcing, I can not take it any more. But then it is not fair for my child. I do not know what to do and feel lost.
(AUSTRALIA) Emotional Infidelity is just the word I am looking for. I thought I was too jealous and crazy. After reading the article, I realized I am not crazy. My husband said I need to see a psychologist. He says I am crazy. He is the one doing a wrong thing. I am not so scared of divorcing any more even though this is last thing to come into my mind.
(USA) Well, I found this interesting to stumble across. I THOUGHT I had one of the best marriages and truly nothing could ever shake that until an IM was left open one afternoon. It threw me for a loop to say the least and the forgiveness and trust has been equally difficult.
I’ve come around to the point in my life that if it ever happens again I will end my marriage. I cannot and will not or should I just say “don’t want to” tolerate it or anything else to that nature again. I don’t understand how if 2 people love each other how that all evolves. I am a firm believer in my daughter’s professor’s view that the internet has ruined more wonderful relationships that one wants to talk about.
Anyway, I didn’t really have a word or phrase for it up until now -but yep….it’s happened to me. I would find it interesting if I did the same thing to him behind his back how it would feel. I have always truly believed and still do… what goes around comes around… it may take awhile.
I TRULY LOVE HIM with all my heart but a hole got pierced in my heart that day. It’s been a LOOOONNNGGGG road for me and it’s been good to know as I read through these I did nothing to deserve it. Thanks for the website.