The Bible is quite clear about lying. In Colossians 3:9-10 we’re told, “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.” We’re also told in the Bible, “Telling lies about others is as harmful as hitting them with an ax, wounding them with a sword, or shooting them with a sharp arrow.” (Proverbs 25:18)
In Ephesians 4:25 we’re told, “Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor. For we are all members of one body.” And that’s especially true of spouses. You don’t get a neighbor that is much closer to you than your spouse. At least you’re not supposed to. On the other hand, we’re told in the Bible in Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” And it is, isn’t it?
But what do you do if your spouse is bent on not telling the truth?
How do you get a spouse to stop the lying?
Please answer this question by leaving a comment below.
(To see previous questions, visit our archive)
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(USA) That depends on what the spouse is lying about. And, of course, sometimes there is no way to stop the lying.
(USA) That is something that the spouse has to want to do. They have to go to God in prayer, seeking his guidance. Fill themselves with the Holy Spirit and when the temptation to lie comes upon them, begin to pray in the spirit that the truth comes out and not a lie.
(US) You can’t. But sooner or later the fact that they are lying will burn them up inside. We all are human and we know right from wrong. "Their conscience will eventually eat them up inside. The question is How do you cope or continue living with your spouse, the one you love, when they continue to lie and you know it?
(USA) It’s ridiculous to think that “sooner or later it will burn them up inside”. That’s completely untrue! I know someone that has been brutally lying to his spouse (and mistresses) for 30+ years (known as fact), and has only gotten worse! He’s gotten more aggressive in his lying. It doesn’t just go away or wear on the conscience of someone who has a malfunctional conscience.
(AUSTRALIA) Agree! My husband used to lie about his past and ex partners all the time and even kept a journal on his lies so he could keep his stories straight. I used to think that his lies were only about those type of things, but when we are in any type of conflict he lies and completely denies it. It is a deeply ingrained problem and when I ask him why he does it, he says he will do anything to keep the peace. This is terribly frustrating because it doesn’t matter how soft and gentle I approach him, he will still lie and then blame me for being too “aggressive.”
No one believes me that he is like this because when there is no conflict between us he seems to be this super helpful, loving person. But I am not fooled by it anymore because when he is in super helpful mode, I know he does whatever I ask because he likes to build up hostility for having to do things he doesn’t want to do. He sees himself as the victim and doesn’t realize he has a big problem.
(USA) Are you married to my husband? That sounds just like him. I am going crazy with all these… lies. And can’t understand why he continues to do so when he in time gets caught.
(USA) This sounds just like my wife! I came here from googling how to try and get my wife to stop lying to me. She does everything except keep the journal of lies. I usually catch her lies because she always forgets them. However, it makes it too hard to live with. Every time we talk, it seems like I’m talking to a different person. That’s scary when you think that we are supposed to be together for the rest of our lives. Things I think I know about her, and the person I think she is changes.
Short of creating a mobile lie detector and strapping it to her 24-7 lol, this is going to be a rough marraige.
(S. AFRICA) I know my husband is lying to me. He has moved away from home and needs his "space". I have come across all his e-mails to his lover and have seen their plot to get together for good and get married. He has promised to be with her in New Zealand and in three months is their "deal".
He has become an addicted liar. I can do nothing but trust that the Lord will reach his heart. I have tried everything humanly possible to win him back (he came home once and has gone again) and it does not work. He does not love me anymore. I pray everyday for him and will leave the matter in Gods hands. To all you ladies out there suffering from the same problem I say "We can not win our husbands back on our own; it does not work. Give yourself and the matter to God. He is the only one with the power to change HEARTS"
(USA) How are things w/your marriage? I just read this post and I wonder how you are doing.
(AUSTRALIA) I did the same type of thing that your husband did, but I never carried through on moving or being with this man. My husband left me for it and now we are separated, but I did not meet another man out of want or need. I did it because my husband has spent a long time lying to me and emotionally abusing me and I was reaching out for help. Even so, I know I still did the wrong thing because running to someone else solves nothing.
I really feel for you and I hope God does change your husband’s heart or that God finds someone who will treat you like the diamond you really are. And you are so right… only God can change a hardened heart and we too have to stay with God and keep looking towards him so that the people in our life do not bring us down. You cannot change your husband, but God is able to… and until then, God’s love is sufficient. Many blessings, I pray will come your way.
(S. AFRICA) Thank you Rey. My husband did leave me and ended up in New Zealand. He told me to leave him alone and get on with my life as he was getting married and would not be comming home. We are now divorced. He is back in S. Africa and in a new relationship. The woman in New Zealand divorced her husband, ended their relationship and then re-married after three months to somebody else.
I continue to pray for my husband, that God will soften his heart and lead him to repentance. I did take him back for a time but noticed the old patterns of lying and secrecy creeping back again. I am now alone and getting stronger, with God’s help, everyday. My prayer is, if I cannot have my husband with me in this life then I ask God to save my husband so that we can be together one day in His Kingdom.
(BOTSWANA) If you have faith by praying to prove to your spouse that you are dedicated to your God and show him/her that you take lies as something bad, that will definitely compel that person to wish he/she is you, by seeing your deeds. Therefore keep reading the word of God with your spouse so that he can see how dangerous lying is according to the Bible. Verses like from the book of Jonah 2:8 "They that observe lying vanities forsake their mercy"
(NAMIBIA) It depends on the reason why your spouse is lying in the first place. It might be that the other spouse gets emotional over certain issues, thus causing the other spouse to lie to avoid fights and arguments. If that is the case the two have to sit and talk and continually seek God for their marriage to be based on honesty.
(SEYCHELLES) I need some help. I have been married for 24 years. I have 2 girls by this marriage and 2 boys by a previous one. I have worked hard and brought up all four. My husband has been in and out of jobs more times than I can remember. I have done everything humanly possible – cars, businesses, looked after him and his family, paid for us to move to another country. He had been lying before but because I was so busy working did not really think about the lies. Now I am no longer working. I am at home and find that all the lies are hurting. Now that I am not working he treats me so badly. I think he is having an affair but cannot know because of all the lies. He has taken money from me and lied about who it is going to. I love him. I do not know what to do next.
(NORTH CAROLINA) Girl, I know how you feel. My husband is doing the same thing. You gotta be sneaky; you need to be an investigator. When you find the proof and the truth and you confront him about it and he lies to you and you know the truth, its time to say goodbye; because things wont get better, they’ll keep lying. Like the saying goes, “once a liar always a liar.”
(AUSTRALIA) That’s not love. If you do want to be with this man, then you must confront him or get someone else you know and trust and confront him for an intervention. Taking money, lying about stuff and possibly having an affair are big things and he needs to grow up or you need to get out of the marriage for your own health.
Seriously, though… he takes advantage of you because he knows that he can. Confront him with his family or your family or even family friends and let him know that he either has to get help or you will have to separate until he does. If he doesn’t want to lose you, then he will get the help. If he is indifferent, then it is time that he learns lessons in life on his own cause you are not a doormat.
(ZIMBABWE) I have been going through the interesting comments and thought I could add something here that will bring more insight to some of these issues.
I was entangled to lying since childhood. After growing up in a broken home, there was a lot of lying to be done to get some things working. The family was an outcast in the hood due to the fights that usually erupted at home and no parent wanted their kids to play with us. To be accepted in some circles (even at school) we sometimes had to lie about ourselves.
This became habitual with time and without knowing we became addicted liars. Now after marriage, I don’t want to lie to my spouse but sometimes I just find myself doing it and regretting immediately after. I have been praying about it but I always find I tend to overstate issues and lie. I sometimes shut off and spend days without talking much to avoid lying. I know it hurts my relations and most importantly my spouse. My spouse often asks me why I lie but I don’t know what to say.
When I meet my friends, I feel like telling them I have lied a lot to them, but, that will mean more broken relations and pain for my spouse.
I know my spouse has been praying for me. I know I am changing but what do I do about the lies made in the past? How do I relate to people now? I don’t know what to say to friends anymore. My spouse cross-checks everything I say to them. I find it difficult to say anything to them now.
This made me resent my dad a lot. It made me hate the family I was born in. It made me hate myself. I find it difficult to appreciate anything I do.
(AUSTRALIA) I feel for you. I was brought up in a home that lied quite frequently and exaggerated things and even today, I still catch myself lying to people even though I don’t want to.
Sit down and explain to your husband about the reasons why you lie. Tell him your family history and tell him that you wish to change this dysfunctional pattern and that you would like his help. The first place to start is to forgive yourself. The second place to start is that you are open about the lying and that you want to change.
Friends and family should be supporting you and if you catch yourself beginning to lie, stop yourself and ask the person that you are lying to to be patient with you and start over again until you have told the truth. Keep a note in your pocket to remind yourself and at the end of each week, reward yourself if you have not lied at all.
Figure out what your triggers are to lie. Do you lie when you feel fear? Do you lie to relieve stress? If you know what triggers you to lie, then you can walk yourself through the situation more easily. If lying was a way of life when you were young, it will take time to undo these habits, but they are only habits and if someone can quit smoking, someone can quit lying. It just takes practice and remember, lying is a learned behaviour. If it is a learned behaviour, it can be unlearned.
And, release the pain from your Dad and parents. If you can talk to your Dad… tell him how the lying felt. Maybe your Dad has a reason why he felt like he had to lie. Seek the answers… and lay it to rest with forgiveness. Forgiveness releases you and others from bondage… I have faith, the lying will stop :)
(NIGERIA) Let your spouse realise that hearing the truth from him/her (though sometimes hard to cope with) will make you more comfortable and forgiving with him/her than you getting to know the truth from somewhere else. However, you yourself must be TRANSPARENT (truthful) in your dealings with your spouse. What goes around comes around.
(SOUTH AFRICA) When couples understand the meaning of equality in the eyes of the Lord, but difference in roles and responsibilities, the probability of lying decreases exponentially. Why? Roles and responsibility comes with accountability. Accountability requires that all forms of communications, be it between the spouses themselves, children or any third party. May it be filled with grace and spiced with heavenly salt so that we do not break each other nor become judgmental even to them – 1 Corinthians 4:6+. Even if one is a compulsive liar, accountability will always top up your conscience and truth shall liberate you (not facts). This is my contribution.
(GHANA) Your spouse would lie to you most often when he/she knows that when the truth is told, you would blow the roof!!! Let your spouse appreciate honesty by being very honest yourself. If you are told the truth and it is a bitter pill, put the Bible to your side and swallow the pill. If you keep a cool head, it would be easier to tell you the truth again next time. If you discover you have been lied to, again keep a cool head and let your spouse know that you have found out about the lie. You must always be honest and ensure that you always tell the truth.
(KENYA) This happens when the couples don’t put God before everything. We are too obsessed trying to make ends meet. We must try to follow up his/her goings and not ignore where things seem suspicious. Couples need to face each other politely and inquire about things. Even if it will mean another lie to cover the first, soon it wouldn’t go far and all will come into the light.
Praying together before bedtime and when the day starts would help. There is also a need of reflection once in while of the household goings. This may raise a suspicious topic and may resolve things more smoothly even if the worst of things were to come up.
(S.AFRICA) How can I rebuild TRUST in my husband if he continues to lie to me? He just covers one lie with the next and eventually the truth always comes out. When I found out about his affair his comment was "I told you the truth I WAS out for dinner – I just did not add that SHE was with me". As long as he is lying he will always be hiding something. THOSE THAT HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE – HIDE NOTHING. Can anybody relate to me?
(GHANA) To every lie there is a reason. For instance, if one does something and tells the other and that is enough for the 3rd world war, then don’t expect that same person to tell the other next time. In order to prevent the rumbling and stifling in the marriage, lying is the most viable option. A spouse can stop the other from lying if there is acceptance to their faults in knowing that as human, we can make mistakes.
(USA) I HATE to lie… And, I am truly praying about it. All of the comments have been great!!! With my husband, sometimes it’s really hard for me because he gets so angry about little things! So, when he ask me something, I find myself trying to figure out which direction to go and I HATE that!!! It’s like sometimes I’m walking on egg shells, because if I say one thing (it could possibly lead to an argument), and if I say something else that might be a disagreement as well. For instance, he’ll ask my opinion about something… and not to answer at all could lead to a disagreement as well. And then when I give my input on the matter, whether it’s business related, personal etc., if I don’t say what he wants to hear… he’s mad. So, I am continually praying and asking the Lord to show me how to deal with this, and how to get to the REAL root of the matter. Any advice???