How can I get past the tremendous sadness that my spouse’s extramarital affair has caused me?
“Impact! Dead on impact. Maybe I have confused separateness with the feeling of being dead. The tears fall like rain drops.”
“The pain is physically exhausting but I am still here.”
“Lord I give up. I am not even going to pretend to be brave because I am actually totally broken. I give up. Please, I don’t want this anymore. I can’t take this anymore. Really… I can’t Lord; I can’t. My heart is completely shattered.”
Will I Ever Be Happy Again? I Feel So Much Sadness!
These are the feelings of sadness expressed by those who have been betrayed. It is the feeling of death, except one is still alive and must continue to live. But how? When will it ever go away? Will I ever feel happy again? It seems impossible. And my family tells me to just ‘get over it!’ That hurts me even more. My friends don’t understand.
When I discovered my husband’s affair, I felt as if I had gained a new companion, a companion whom I didn’t want, who wasn’t welcome, who had not been invited and who would not go away.
That companion was pain. For me it was 2 ½ years until I felt happiness again, and I distinctly remember feeling it again, and I remember why.
Feeling Unloved
The feeling of sadness for me was caused by thinking that I was unloved, perhaps even unlovable. Surely if I was a lovable person, the one I loved the most would not have hurt me so deeply with betrayal, abandonment, deceit and lies. The problem was that what I believed about myself, about my life and about the people around me was untrue. The truth is that I am lovable and therefore I will always have lots of love in my life.
I wanted a guarantee. I wanted to be guaranteed that I would never be betrayed by my husband again. He gave me his guarantee, yet I still didn’t feel guaranteed. After all, had I not been given a guarantee the day we exchanged our wedding vows? I thought what I needed was to throw away the old and start over with the new.
Start Anew?
“Yes, that’s what I needed,” I thought to myself, “a new relationship with my very own husband of 18 years.” Yes, we should redo our wedding vows. Yet others have redone their wedding vows and been betrayed again! Wedding vows are no guarantee.
Then I realized that I can never be guaranteed what all of the future choices of another individual will be. Neither can anyone else on the planet be guaranteed that their spouse will never have an affair. There are no such guarantees in life. I wish it were different, but that is reality. One thing no person can take away from another is their own right to choose. And really…would we want to?
But How Can I Get Past the Tremendous Sadness?
How loved would I feel if another was forced to love me?
Prior to our meeting this week, I put out an email to the Beyond Affairs Network asking other coordinators, how they got past the sadness. Here are their responses which I shared at our meeting:
“It was the hardest of emotions for me to overcome, but I finally accepted the fact that it happened and that I had no control over the actions of my spouse. I continually reminded myself that unless I controlled my own actions, I would be bound by my own stubbornness to remain in the anger and resentment stage. The constant dwelling on what happened is what keeps people stuck there. Again I had to control my own thoughts and move ahead. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it can be done especially if you choose to stay focused.”
Another wrote:
“I think, hard as it is to accept, that ‘tincture of time’ is the best way to get past both the hurt and the anger. I also know that it is possible to get stuck in either place. So what I did, instead of trying to rush the process, was to really LET myself be sad and then to LET myself be angry for a while. I had spent so much time and energy trying to move on, that I found I was denying myself the right to feel what I NEEDED to feel in order to heal.
Once I acknowledged my feelings and that I wasn’t crazy for feeling them, it was much easier to let them go. Now when negative feelings come, I can acknowledge them and put them away much faster. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It has been nearly 3 years for me and I’m finally getting there.”
Another affair survivor wrote:
“For me, the greatest skill for dealing with sadness is gratitude. Define it. Practice it. It seems trite to say count your blessings when you’re in the midst of such pain, but there is no denying the practical benefits of just doing. It’s scriptural and I think it’s psychologically sound. This is NOT denial. It’s perspective and coping until time has had the chance to work its magic.”
Then I read Peggy Vaughan’s article “Moving from Pain to Recovery”, where she talks about the importance of controlling your thoughts. What we feed grows. If we allow ourselves to replay the pain over and over again in our minds, we don’t move forward, in fact, it can get worse with time, if time is spent nursing and rehearsing the wound over and over again. This is where it becomes so important in the healing process to educate ourselves and to share with others who understand, which is the purpose of Beyondaffairs.com, constructive ideas and efforts to get beyond the painful emotions.
NOTE: Anne writes further about this particular marriage in an article (that we encourage you to read):
• KEY #1 TO GETTING UNSTUCK: Whatever You Focus on Expands
Managing Pain and Sadness
One woman shared how taking anti depressants (only for 6 months) had helped her to cope with life at somewhat of a normal level during the initial discovery period. Others managed their pain, and often depression that accompanies discovering marital infidelity, through cognitive therapy (which is learning to understand, recognize and control your thoughts).
During our meeting, one individual brought to our attention the value of a good comedy!!! What a great, but often overlooked point! Sometimes you’ve just been dealing with the darn stuff too long.
Need to Laugh
You need to go out and have a good laugh. Give all those serious, deep thinking, tragedy moments a rest. Search for things that make you laugh. A good laugh is medicine for the soul.
Getting past the sadness, it’s a choice. We choose whether we will read books, educate ourselves, increase our understanding, learn from others and most of all whether or not WE will control our thoughts. Can you get past the sadness? Absolutely! But it takes time and it is YOUR choice.
This article was written by Anne Bercht and is featured on the web site for PassionateLife Seminars, which is a dedicated to helping others survive marriage affairs, infidelity, adultery and betrayal. Anne’s book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
This particular article is one of many they have posted on the subject of surviving infidelity and healthy recovery from extra marital affairs. You may want to visit their web site to see what else they offer which might further help you in some way with this issue. You can visit their web site by going to Beyondaffairs.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
I know what it is to be betrayed and hurt. I have been married for 20 years. 7 years ago I found out my husband had an addiction to pornography and had been cheating on me for 10 years with many women. At first I was relieved to finally know what was going on with him. When I found out he was in a current relationship with another woman. With therapy and work, a year later my husband finally ended all cheating and was in control of his pornography addiction.
I was in deep pain for about a year. I kept discovering more puzzle pieces about the 10 years he cheated on me. Each time the wounds would be reopened. The only way I was way able to forgive my husband fully and get relief from the pain was through heartfelt prayer, fasting and therapy. God gave me strength and made it possible for me to forgive my husband. God took the pain away from my mind and heart. That doesn’t meen I have forgotten what happend. I don’t dwell on it. I still struggle with some things now 7 years later. Trust is the biggest. I have just become numb in many ways. I believe my husband and am no longer suspicious of him and his words and actions. Not trusting beats you up inside and consumes you.
All in all, over the past 7 years I have become closer to my husband, in some ways our relationship is better, in other ways it is worse.
A year and a half ago, my husband denounced his belief, association and membership with our Christian faith of 35 years. He is now an atheist. This for me this has been a really hard struggle. I am firm and strong and dedicated in my Christian faith and church. He also has pulled my son along with him. He is only 50% of the man I married 20 years ago. I want with all my heart to continue to be married to him for the rest of my life, but he is so different now.
I have stayed with him for our 2 children. They are almost both adults. So in 3 years it will just be him and me. I don’t know if I can handle being with my husband for 3 more years. I don’t know what will happen in the future. But I know that without God and Jesus I would not have been able to survive. I am a better and stronger and more capable person today. I have changed my attitude, perspective and outlook. I don’t want to divorce him, but I also cannot live my life till I die like it is today. I continue to pray daily to God to know what I need to do. I know I will get an answer to my prayers if I am to leave and when.
“The Lord is my light, he is my strength and my song, by day and by night he leads me, he leads me along.” God is our heavenly father, we are his children and he loves us. He wants us to be happy and have joy.
I feel like I’m in hell one moment and I’m ok the next. What is this? I feel like I’m going insane. My heart is shattered but I’m still willing to try to make my marriage work. It has only been 2 weeks since I was betrayed and only about a week since I found out my husband was with another woman. I feel like he ripped out my heart and stomped on it. Will this pain ever go away? Can I get through this hurt and betrayal? Please can someone give me some advice? I need encouraging words. I know I’m not alone and I have the Lord standing by me but time is just going too darn slow.
I feel bad because my husband is wondering why I seem fine one moment and very depressed the next and all I can tell him is that my heart is shattered because of what he has done. I feel like it’s my fault, like I did something wrong to make him feel like he had to go to someone else for affection. He also was not protected in this love affair. And it makes it even harder. I don’t know what to do or say or how to feel anymore. Please Lord take my pain away and help me go forward. I have a family and my child needs me more than ever. Oh Lord give strength.
Dearest Jesika, How sad I am that you’re going through this. Please read more articles on this issue posted on this web site. There are a lot of them. As you read and glean through them, you will see that what you are going through is not at all unusual… horribly sad and heart-breaking, but not unusual. This is the type of thing that takes time… MUCH, MUCH time.
I’ve witnessed this with countless friends, relatives, acquaintances and even my own mother, when my dad betrayed her and our family. Lean into the healing to the best of your ability. But as extremely difficult as this is, you have to know that it’s like your husband stabbed you in the heart. You don’t recover from the repercussions of that overnight. Most times it takes years. My mom eventually got to the point where her heart healed. She and my dad got back together (he left her and us 4 kids destitute –emptying their savings and checking account, and taking off for another state with another woman). He said some horribly cruel things to my mom before leaving, but eventually came back, broke and broken, and pleaded for forgiveness. My mom gave it to him, they got back together, and she worked to put the betrayal behind her as best she could. I can honestly say that she was able, with God’s help, to do so. They lived out many, many good, and loving years together afterward.
But it wasn’t easy –especially in the beginning (my mom used me as her confidant). And even later, as she told me, her “innocence” was gone –the innocence of her loving and trusting my dad without thought to the fact that it could happen again. It never did, and I don’t think it would have –he truly repented and was sorry and protected their relationship after that. He was blessed though, that she (and we 4 kids) got to the place of putting it behind us, and pressing forward. But first, she had a lot of processing and questions, and trust issues to work through.
All I can tell you Jesika, is to keep pressing into working through all that this is and has done to you. Reach for getting to a healthier place. It WILL take time, and it will take a lot of effort on both of your parts, but it IS possible (as the articles posted on this web site will point out). How I wish you never had to go through this. It’s the most grievous thing that I think any spouse could ever imagine going through. Your husband shouldn’t “wonder” about your thought process and actions –he should thank God that you are even giving him the time of day.
Do what you can to fight bitterness and unforgiveness (we have a topic on that on this web site too). Be patient with yourself. This is a new injury… and a horribly deep one at that. Just reach for healing, and eventually you will find yourself in less and less pain, until it all just becomes a memory of the pain. And then, as you pray, you will see that God can bring healing, help, hope, and even some type of redemption in all of this. I know it doesn’t seem possible, but I’ve seen it happen over and over again, as the betrayed victims reach out to God to help them move through all of this in the healthiest way that’s possible. I pray for you, and hope that you will reach out to God to help you as you cry out over all that has happened and will happen.
I was abused and betrayed by my first husband until I started to believe that it was just me. I grew up with betrayal and abuse, but something inside me knew this was not the norm. I often felt love was just a word. My mother left me at an orphanage, after finally escaping from her miserable abusive life with my dad. Then he came back just as I was getting settled into a real home, and kidnapped me. The abuse continued. I escaped when I was about fourteen years old, and lived on the streets.
I was saved and started to read the Bible and really understand God’s love, in 1991. That’s when my life began to change and I seen things in a new light.
To me, the answer came when I realized that Jesus loves me. I wrote my story, CRUEL HARVEST, so that anyone who needed to be encouraged, could know there is hope! To me, it seemed impossible. But with God, all things are possible. And He proved it.
Is this site still in session??
Yes.
It’s been 6 months since I found out about my husband’s affair. We’ve been in therapy (individual and couples) for that whole time. I’m still heart broken even though he’s done absolutely everything to mend our marriage. His individual counselor told him yesterday that since he’s doing so well that he only needs to visit every other week. I’m still in weekly counseling PLUS couples counseling.
I guess my issue is that it’s like he’s moved on ~ without me ~ he’s ready to start our “new normal” and I’m not there yet. I still get incredibly sad and heart broken when I think of what he did to our marriage ~ 22 years. He said some pretty horrible things to me when I confronted him and for two weeks prior to me finding out… he allowed me to believe that the whole reason he was pulling away was because of me and my “issues”. He even denied to my face that he was having an affair… two weeks later I read texts that led me to a different conclusion.
How do you forgive and forget? Is 6 months too soon? I know these are my true feelings ~ being sad and heart broken. I like reading words on this site about putting forth a positive attitude and speaking positive words. But when I get down ~ I get really down. Down so much I’m on my hands and knees praying to God to take the pain away. Is this normal? Am I crazy after 6 months? Ugh.. any advice??
Shelly, I’m so very sorry to read about your husband’s unfaithfulness to you… it just shouldn’t be –it never should have happened, to you or anyone. My heart goes out to you, truly. From what I read in your comment, it appears you are doing what you can to deal with this in the healthiest way possible. You’re getting counseling, and doing what you can. But please don’t expect more from yourself than it’s possible. While 6 months is agonizingly long to have gone through this, it’s really just a starting point. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to hear that –who would? When you’re feeling tortured continually, it’s only natural to want to hurry the process along quicker than it is occurring. But if you read more and more of the articles on this web site (and others we link to) you will see that having a spouse cheat on you is the equivalent of having a heart attack with him stabbing you in the heart. You just don’t get past that type of catastrophic matter quickly. It can take years and years, and even then, you are still changed forever.
You DON’T forget… you can’t. You shouldn’t. If you do and you go back into the same type of innocence and trust, then the stage is better set for a repeat of that offense. I’m not saying that will occur… but it’s best to always be alert. And then when you put the lying on top of it –not even coming clean when he was finally pinned down, you have reason not to trust his word, and to be hurt all the deeper. You don’t move past those types of issues within 6 months. Your husband has seriously cracked the foundation of your trust. This is serious, serious stuff.
I can’t tell you Shelly, what is “normal” as far as getting to a better place in this. Everyone is different. But please know that as intense as this pain is today, it won’t always be that way. Time DOES have a way of healing much of it –especially if your husband is doing what it takes to help YOU find a “new normal” –not judging you, but giving you the grace you need. All I can say is to lean into the healing process, and know that this stage of grief won’t last forever, even if it seem that way. Give yourself credit that you are still trying to heal… that says a lot for the strength of your character.
Please use the articles on this web site and the links to additional ones to be a form of therapy, as well. Ask God to be your “Wonderful Counselor” (as the Bible refers to the Holy Spirit) and prayerfully read and glean through the information –processing, and then applying that, which will work for your marriage. Read all you can, in the timing you can –taking your time, if needed to better process through all you need to. Make sure you read through the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic, as well, because you have that to deal with too. It would be extremely easy to hold back more than you might want to. But it’s the same with any infection, it’s better to get it all out in the open, properly evaluate and work on it, and THEN look more expectantly for the healing to follow.
Shelly, this is a catastrophic blow to your heart, your marriage, and to your inner life. Please give yourself grace and time to work through all of this. A quick patch job will only complicate matters further down the way. Getting down on your “hands and knees praying to God to take the pain away” is of course, “normal.” I would be concerned if you weren’t in that place. That is part of the journey to healing. The worse comes out before the better is ready to settle in.
I pray for you Shelly, that God helps to mend your broken, bleeding heart, and ministers to you in the ways you most need it, as you lean into Him. I pray that someday you will come to the place where there is a smile of hope in your heart, instead of continual pain.
I too have dealt with infidelity. Instead of dwelling on it, me and my husband had a blow out fight and I had the chance to get all my frustration out. I forgave him but every time I closed my eyes that’s all I saw. Now my husband is to the point where he throws my past (years before I met him) in my face. He thinks I’m cheating on him now and he causes more fights. Last night he was attempting to tell me who I had sex with and 3 somes with before we met and that infuriated me. I don’t know what to do. Everything he says and does shows he doesn’t want to be with me; and I feel he’s still cheating. What can I do? I need help. We have been married 4 yrs with a blended family.
(Canada) Its been about a week since my husband walked out on me and my daughter. As far as I know there was no other woman. My story is very strange and haven’t found any like it, so finding sites has been a struggle. Friday was like any other day, woke up together, had breakfast, lunch, dinner, but my husband works away from home and sometimes he needs to go on Saturdays, which is fine.
So he was gone all day Saturday, but he was supposed to come home for his firefighters Christmas party. He didn’t come home, and he had turned off his phone. I couldn’t reach him until Sunday morning. Not going to sugar coat anything, but I was a little angry that he couldn’t call, and tell me he was staying in the city. But he wouldn’t pick up his phone until Sunday afternoon, when he said to me, I’m moving out, I’m busy right now getting furniture from a friend, I’ll call you back later. Then he hung up on me and turned his phone off.
Picture the kid from home alone, but with a silent scream splashed on my face. Seriously who does that?!! There were no fights or arguments that lead up to him moving out! Nothing!!! So yes, I was in a state of shock and couldn’t understand how one minute he’s fine and we’re fine then the next he’s picking up furniture to move out?
So after that week, as I like to call it, “hell week,” he and I fought over the phone, not long calls, he usually would end up hanging up on me or saying nasty things so I would end up hanging up. His reasoning was he has been depressed for 6 months now and he can’t live like that anymore. Lets fast forward shall we? This is the next Saturday, and he phones me. After a week of threats and talking about divorce he phones me when he’s driving to see his sister and her new baby, which is a good 3 hours away so he has time, probably the best conversation we’ve ever had!
Then Sunday, he drops by to see his daughter, we sit down and have a decent talk again. Monday, same thing, but by Monday we’re talking about moving and finding a place closer to his work. We’re talking about getting back together, seeking counseling to help us become a family again. It’s now Tuesday, “hell week” is in the past and we’re keeping it there. But now I’m feeling this anger kick in and frustration along with hurt! I just don’t understand how I can honestly live with someone who found it so easy to up and abandon me! I feel like the other shoe is about to drop any minute now and I’m anxious about that. I’m scared of being abandoned again. I don’t know if I could ever trust him or feel confident he’ll never do that. I know there are no guarantees and that’s terrifying to me, to put my trust, my love my all back into someone who could just leave, with no word, no signs, no remorse!
How can I trust again? I know I don’t want to live in the past and relive “hell week” ever again. I’m not sure if wife abandonment syndrome is real or not but I feel like I have it, and I feel like if I go back to him or let him back in I’m just setting myself up for disappointment, to constantly walk around on eggshells, asking myself “is he going to leave me this weekend?” or “is he having a good day, so he won’t leave me?”
Maybe we’re better off alone, maybe we’d make better friends. I’m so confused right now and whenever I talk about us or how I’m feeling I can feel the tension on his end of the phone. It’s almost like he’s saying “ah she’s griping again” when really I just need for him to listen and not resent me for feeling this way, the way that he made me feel in the first place!
I know what you are going thru. My husband was my soul mate, my one true love. We had a good sex life, a comfortable life, I thought we had everything. Then one day he comes home from work and he’s yelling. He’s saying he doesn’t love me and that I’m incapable of loving him; that he isn’t happy. I have a shopping bag in my hand and I’m saying something and he runs toward me and kicks that bag and it shreds on the floor.
I cannot believe what is happening, I don’t believe what is happening. I’m feeling kicked in the gut because I never saw this coming. It’s like this for about a year, him threatening to leave and divorce me. I finally say go if you want, I don’t care anymore. He doesn’t leave. Fast forward to 7 years later. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. We still are not back like it used to be. I don’t talk much anymore and I still don’t know where we went wrong. Every day I expect that he’ll come home like that. I have a plan to leave, I just need three more years and then I’m leaving. I know that I can’t stay like this because it still breaks my heart and I still don’t know the why of it. I’m pretty sure he has had/is having an affair so maybe that’s it. I don’t know and I can’t care any more.
I found out my husband cheated on me with who I considered my best friend back in July. After that I decided to snoop through his phone and discovered he had been texting multiple other women telling them inappropriate things. It has been 6 months now and I feel that I’m just getting worse. I’ve tried leaving him numerous times (kicking him out of the house) and he just keeps begging me back. Part of me wants to work it out but I know I can’t if I can’t overcome my feelings of anger and hurt. It’s so hard on my health.
I still love him to a degree, but the trust is not there and am not sure if it will ever be again. I can’t go through this again if he’s unfaithful in the future. We’ve been married for over a year. We’ve both been married in the past. Why do men have to be so dang weak? All I’ve done today is lay on the couch and watch tv. I’m sad and have no ambition or strength. I really want my happy self back. I wish all of you, who have also been hurt in this way, the best. You’re not alone.
I am in a similar position. I’m missing the me I used to know. I’m missing the husband I trusted and I’m missing the sense of surety I had in our relationship. I feel so lost and I have moments where I imagine killing myself just so that I can stop feeling all this excruciating emotional, physical, spiritual and mental pain and anguish. I imagine that this is what torture feels like.
I’m wasting away inside and out since my husband admitted to a one night stand with an old friend a year into our relationship. He kept this secret for 14 years. In the last 6 months he has been developing a friendship with a woman through work, deleting their messages so that I never see them. He swears there was nothing more, and the messages were only friendly, to over friendly, and mostly about work. I discovered that he has been watching porn for the last 3 years, from around the time that my mother became incurably ill.
I’ve been so sick with worry about it that I actually became ill myself each year over winter for 3 to 4 months at a time. This last year I ended up in hospital unable to get enough air. It was the same month he had drinks with her at a work function, after which they started messaging each other. I just don’t know what to believe.
I’m still bitter and heartbroken. I’m writing this because I feel this is my therapy. When I found out my husband was secretly meeting someone, I was devasted. I can still remember my heart hurt so bad. The room was spinning and my hearing decreased. My stomach was tied up in knots! After that I did everything I could to learn about what he was up to. I’ve become a very good detective. When I approached my husband about his cheating, he looked straight at me an lied! He lies very well. He knows what I want to hear, so he acts so sincere and says he “would never cheat on me” and that I’m “insecure.”
When I started pointing things out to make my point, he started yelling at me before I could get everything off my chest. Then I realized it was his tactic to yell at me an shut me down before I could expose him. So then I knew I had to take a different approach. When he was at work, I took pics of all he evidence I had, then sent him a text with everything. He didn’t respond. How could he? His lies wouldn’t work or couldn’t explain the pics of his text mgs and other things! I felt better to get everything off my chest through my text msgs without any interruptions. It was truly healing for me. I was very naive and unsuspecting for a long time. I’m tired of being sad, bitter and resentful. I ate and ate to fill the pain in my gut and I became overweight. I hated myself for not seeing the cheating signs. It’s ALL not healthy. I’ve become very controlling and obsessive. It’s like I tried to build a wall in all dimensions of my life to limit the chances my husband could cheat, but couldn’t build one high enough.
One day, I was reflecting on the many things my dad told me…how I was special, dutiful, faithful, a loving and helpful daughter, a sweetheart…my daddy cherished me. Then I thought, “Dad and Mom would be heartbroken if they saw just how much of a mess I’ve become!” Then one morning I said to myself, “If I can’t do it for myself, I’ll do it for my parents!” I deserve to be happy and healthy. The next morning I woke up, made myself a very nice cup of coffee and sat outside to enjoy the beautiful morning! I enjoyed the soft sunshine, the birds were actually chirping…maybe singing and the fresh air and breeze just brightened me up. I breathed in the beautiful morning sunshine, air and life! I said to myself, “I’ve been sad and in pain for too long.”
I made another enjoyable cup of coffee and made a healthy list of all the healthy things I enjoyed. I started walking early in the mornings and eating healthy! I’m still overweight, but I love myself again. I realized that I can’t ever control what my husband does, but I can control my actions or reactions. His cheating was never about my lack of beauty or capability or anything else. It’s ALL about his lack of integrity, loyalty and selfishness.
My husband is still in my life, but I don’t hate him anymore. The bitterness and heartbreak is decreasing. I forgive him, but I mostly forgive myself for all of my actions and thoughts. Through all your pain and agony, love yourself and do what you need to do to take one step (sometimes a half step) forward toward healing and loving your life. Be healthy. Peace to your heart :)
I was blessed by your response. My story is tragic and I’m so confused and freightened. You gave me some hope!
Thank you Dee.
Thank you. I needed to read something inpiring. 6 months ago I lost my existence. Every morning I wake up to the same day. The same thoughts, same sadness, same anger and heartbreak. I am lost. I don’t know who I am anymore, where I’m going or what I’m doing. I recently made some changes hoping it will help me on my journey to recovery. I need to focus on myself and find myself again. I need to clear my head of all the negative thoughts. I only have this one life to live, and I promise myself it will be a good one! I deserve happiness; we all deserve to be happy. This morning I woke up by myself, alone but not lonely. I woke up to birds chirping in the middle of winter. Snow on the ground, crisp cold air, but the sun was shinning and the birds were singing to me. I’ve never been on my own, I was scared to be alone. But this morning I did not feel lonely. I felt alive. I now feel hopeful. Thank you.
Thank you.
I love this. It speaks volumes.
I am going through very bad situation, but I think instead of separating if I stayed in same house and do my things and keep myself busy it could be nice. As I tried staying in a seperate house for three months but my mind is stuck in my house with my husband in it. It’s forty years of our marraige and so it’s difficult at my age of sixty to stay separate. I am confused. There are many relatives to look after me but I want my husband. Now I am separated for three months, I think I’ll give some more time to this but I know I am very sad.
Sorry to hear that. I just found out my husband of 17 years cheated on me; I’m so overwhelmed. We met when we were kids and since then I thought we had everything good. We have 2 kids and hardly any problems, so I thought. I found out because I saw a text on his phone and then he admitted he slept with this girl 2x; he hasn’t stopped crying and is begging for forgiveness he said it was his first time cheating on me over the 17 years and he did it because over the past 3 years he felt I didn’t appreciate him and I didn’t care for him.
He says he will never cheat again and he feels that me finding out will make us stronger and now that he can communicate what he feel we can start over. He has been trying so hard, yet I’m so angry. I wanna give him another chance but I’m scared and don’t know what to do.. I even spoke to the other woman who is also married. She stated it was just in the heat of the moment and that it won’t happen again she is sorry.. I’m just so angry he just met this women a few months ago and didn’t even use protection …even though he’s been crying and wants to renewal our vows I’m still so angry;(
I know how hard it is to keep it in for so long when you even caught him in your own bed with another woman. It sickens me so much. I lost over 70+ lbs just a little over a month. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I was so sad and hurt as to why or how he could do this to me and the kids. I was so sick of him yelling at me for no reason at all. He even pushed me down a few times because he didn’t want to tell me the truth and how he is still talking to this other woman in his life.
I have been taking care of the kids for years when he was not really there for them. I feel so sorry for him that this is how he thinks a marriage is to be like. I’ve thought in my heart that I’ve always been there but yet you walk away from the family even when I was in the hospital for a week; you never once came to see me, to see how I was doing. When I was always there for you in your times of need. Yet you stayed away from me and the kids. It hurts so bad that I bottled it up and could not take it anymore. You have changed in a big way that I don’t know a thing about you anymore, even why you could do this to cause me and the kids so much pain –a wife that you have left behind.
My life has gone from being a fairy tale to a nightmare in one fell swoop. Autumn 2012, my husband (married in 1999) was in the throughs of an extremely ANGRY, mid-life crisis in which every terrible thing wrong in his ENTIRE life (even prior to when we met) was somehow MY fault. He shockingly left me & the 5 kids & moved in w/a (cop) co-worker. In a last-ditch effort to persuade him to come home, I PRIDE-lessly begged him to go on a Royal Caribbean Cruise that I’d desperately purchased for us, December 14th-17th, 2012, – “the Honeymoon we’d never had.” This would surely fix everything, I thought.
Miraculously, it DID! Or so it seemed. We had the most wonderful time we’d ever had together. We reconnected, communicated and he agreed to return home.
Upon our return to port, he informed me he would drop me off at home and stay the night at his coworker’s, where he’d been staying -despite the fact that I’d returned home ill. He’d left his uniform at his friend’s house & since the house was just around the corner from his work, he would return home the following night, December 18th, 2012, after his shift, which he did. We enjoyed Christmas, 2012.
New Year’s 2013, January 31st, I innocently looked at his open laptop on the coffee table on Facebook to see if there were any new family photos. There in black and white was the most profane exchange between he and a nurse from work. It dated back to Early October, 2012 – a time I was away for the first time EVER, celebrating my mother’s 75th birthday out-of-state. At his insistence, I stayed for a whole week, rather than a few days as I’d initially planned. Now I knew why.
He denied, denied, denied then finally, little-by-little, would admit a little “snippet.” So Cowardly and Childish – it was literally like talking to a CHILD. In other words, if I didn’t ASK, he wasn’t TELLING. He admitted to being “with her” ONCE – which I knew from the start was a lie.
From that day forward, I asked him EVERY day to tell me the WHOLE TRUTH. He swore on MY LIFE, OUR CHILDREN, TO GOD, that he had been with her ONCE. From January, 2013 to June, 2013, I wasted away before him. I couldn’t eat – I lost 75 pounds from my already-fit frame… still, he stuck to his story.
June 20th, 2013 3:00am – the day after our wedding anniversary, something made me spring from bed to pour over the filthy photos his concubine had sent him during their “relationship” – only this time, a crucial detail leapt out at me – THE DATE – the JPEG date stamped on each and every photo, ONE in particular – The one dated “December 18th, 2012.” Yes, he had returned to port after our “Dream Cruise, left me at our home, ILL in bed, returned to his coworker’s house and was with her AGAIN THAT NIGHT.
Everything I’ve ever dreamed and hoped for is gone. My life remains shattered. I see no end to this nightmare, aside from the sweet embrace of death. I don’t want to kill myself, I simply have no joy in living. Despite every measure I have taken, nothing has lifted me from the depths of my despair.
I know exactly how you feel… if that helps at all. No words describe the pain. How are you?
My story isn’t much different from all the others I’ve read on here. Mine started a week ago. My husband is in a position where he works away from home on a regular basis.
A week ago he showed me a message on his phone from a co-worker, I had the phone in hand and he swiped to the previous screen where messages from other contacts was listed. My eye caught a woman’s name, not a problem, the content of her message made me enter their chat. What a shock! In there was emotionally loaded messages, love names and wishes from him to ” be there” for her.
He wanted to take the phone from me, I refused and continued browsing through the messages. It felt as if my world’s bottom fell out. I could see on his face he’d been caught.
His explanation: She’s a colleague he had known for over 20 years; she is in a abusive marriage, her children are troubled and a whole lot of other negatives. He doesn’t love her, he cares for her as a friend. He loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, our marriage and what we have. Question is: WHAT do we have?
To me this didn’t make sense, still doesn’t. Here I am alone at home most of the time, having to juggle everything when he isn’t around, having to make many a decisions on my own and he tells another woman he wants to be there for her.
The emotions boiled over, anger & disappointment, hurt and dismay. He insisted she’s just a friend, my intuition tells me otherwise.
Then this week I became a paranoid, needy, clingy person. I’m constantly checking up on him, I can’t eat, sleep or function properly. And he goes on as if this is of little significance. All these questions keep on going around in my head.
Where did we go wrong? Am I woman enough for him? Will the trust ever be regained? Why? So on and so on.
I’m not sure of anything at the moment, while he continues as if nothing happened. He told this woman he loves her. Where does this leave us?
I realise this is going to be a long hard journey to recovery. The only constant now is my love for him. As for the rest, I am taking it from one moment to the next.
My husband’s habits changed all of a sudden. His attention for me decreased suddenly and I knew something was wrong. On one occasion he was texting another woman explicit messages when I was right next to him. He tried to say ‘it was a joke’ but I didn’t believe him. He continued with it months later and my distrust grew. He then became violent when I confronted him. I had to separate from him. I was full of anger and bitterness and nobody around me felt my pain. They tried to tell me to ‘hang in there’. I felt like I was on death row. I have now found some peace and still pray for him and trust God will show me the way to go. I have learnt man can betray you but God will never forsake you.
Hi everyone! I unfortunately understand how everyone feels. To my knowledge he has never slept with another woman but he may as well have. He’s always been flirtatious but I just thought he would grow out of it as he was young. Long story short, over the years of living together, getting engaged and married and now having a child, he has said inappropriate sexual things to numerous coworkers via social media and text. And these are just the ones I know of. One I found out after we got married -he had kissed and obtained naked photos of his coworker whilst we were engaged. I was devastated to say the least.
I was so pathetic. I tried to change myself to be like the filthy women I thought he liked. I forgave and moved past but went through many years of depression trying to harm myself not only over his behaviour but other issues, put up with verbal and emotional abuse. At one point I was on anti-depressants had put on weight but thought things were going ok. He turns to me and tells me not to touch him because I repulsed him. Constantly put me down, told me I was fat, used to go out with friends without me until late hours of the night, told me to get over it and that I wasn’t going to control him so either put up or shut up. Threatened to go out and get sex from others if I didn’t lose weight and put out. He neglected me, used porn instead of having sex with me.
Now the latest thing was during one of my depressed phases, which I was really struggling with due to work issues and his behaviour, I find out he was sharing intimate details of our relationship with his female coworker, flirting inappropriately by text and in person, and hiding her number under a guy’s name. This was happening all while I was severely depressed and needed his attention and affection. When confronted he tells me it was just flirty joking that meant nothing; it’s my fault because I was distant, he was getting advice and needed a female perspective, he’s done nothing wrong and it was just jokes, and that I need to get over it.
So here I am 2 months since finding out, pregnant with my first child, crying everyday, trying not to mention this again because he’s sick of talking about it and gets angry if I mention it, feeling unloved, feeling like total utter crap whilst he’s telling me to get over it. I used to be a happy person, I don’t know what that is anymore. I feel ugly, rejected, neglected, fat, stupid, unattractive, boring.
Today we fought because I asked him to stop going to the gym he goes to because she also goes there. He told me he’s not going to stop living his life and can’t control who goes to the gym. Tells me he no longer talks to her. He calls me a stupid jealous b….. I don’t know how to feel anymore. All I want is to be appreciated, respected and loved. I no longer believe in love, I’ve become bitter and hate men. I feel myself getting depressed again. He tells me he won’t do it again and I have to try to trust him. He tells me nothing happened. How do I learn to trust again when he’s lied to me so many times? I’m so broken. My spirit is so broken. He has no idea how this has made me feel and now blames me for not moving past this.
It’s always what he wants when he wants it. My feelings don’t matter. I’ve only loved him. I’ve never been unfaithful to him. Sometimes I wonder why we go through life being loyal to people who keep wiping their feet on us time and time again. What lesson are we meant to learn? How to hate? I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I’m numb and just totally broken. I’m going to try and make it work for the child but I no longer know who I am. I’ve lost myself. I wish I could be care free like he is – not caring about how I affect others and just be selfish.
My husband’s infidelity is breaking my marriage.
My husband of 5 years left me and my two children 6 weeks ago. He left me for my best friend who lives two minutes down the road. Me and my children feel heartbroken. I don’t know how to stop the pain and the constant sadness. How could they do this to us?
I will never, ever, ever understand how any spouse and parent can do this to their family. It’s as if promises and vows and the feelings of those they leave behind in utter life-shattering, life-changing grief means little to nothing to them. How could they justify doing this to ANYONE… ESPECIALLY children? Selfish… so, so selfish. I pray for you Amber, and pray for your children –that God will minister to your heart and your needs as you lean upon Him. He will never leave, nor forsake you.
I also pray for your husband and this “friend” –that they wake up and turn and reject their sinful actions and emotions that are deceitful. Those emotions are driven by hormones, and chemicals inside… they aren’t sustainable. To give up a good family for a stolen one? … So wrong… so very wrong. No matter what was going on between you and your husband, or what was going on in his head… it never, EVER justifies cheating. And your “friend?” What a piece of work. My heart goes out to you, Amber. Do what you can to take care of yourself and your children during this horrible time. Look for ways to bring smiles, and peace, whenever possible. I pray the Lord helps you in this.
Strange Monica. That is my name too and I discovered my husband’s infidelity on Sept 16 th 2015, and I can’t seem to move past the pain of what he did. We were to celebrate our 20 th anniversary on Sept 23rd but as I said he got caught on the 16th and my life has been upside down with emotions since then. Some days are ok; then there are the ones I feel nothing but pain and rage which I feel totally alone in although he said he is sorry and doesn’t feel anything for her. I feel that if he ever loved me he couldn’t have done that with her. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I understand your pain. I also understand that you and I serve a God who promises to provide a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. God gives us the power to prophesy over our future and those words –negative or positive –come to pass. I encourage you to write down your hurt, share it with your covenant mate or an empty chair and fast from the negative thoughts.
Speak God’s word over your situation. Look at what’s right in your life- For starters, your husband seems repentant!!! Praise God for this, as so many others haven’t taken that step in their relationship. Speak Eph 5:25, Josh 3:9-10, SOS 7:10, 8:7. Also plead the blood over your marriage, your mind and ask God to take away every fear and to place a spirit of forgiveness in your being toward your spouse and the OW. God is bigger and always causes you to triumph. Also get out and engage life. Date your husband weekly and re-connect…and stay connected. God bless you!
I’ve recently found out my partner of 14 yrs was having an affair for a year and half. Its destroyed me and I can’t seem to cope. He was my life, my rock and he does this? I have 3 children and just turned 32, yet feel like I’m worthless. I caught him because I took a memory card out of his phone and there were at least 100 vids and pics of him and ?. I feel so, so lost :(
I found out a year ago that my husband was having an affair with his cousin’s wife. Don’t know how long it’s been going on. He is my rock; my love of my life. We’ve been married for 36 years. My high school sweetheart. I Am lost. I am broke, my heart has been ripped from me. I’ve been praying and asking God to please give me hope. And to please guide my husband on the path to his wife and. Family, and that God comfort him and shield him from Satan. I have three grown daughters that are devastated. He tells me he Loves me. I do know he is on meth. He is lost and has a disease. I am just torn. I do believe in miracles. I’m so lonely without him. But right now I put this in God’s hands. I pray for you too as you are going through this …
I just googled, ‘how can I work through the pain of infidelity’ and this site popped up. I only read the first article and put it down and cried. I really don’t know what to do, feel or say. I’m on holidays with my family in the US for Christmas; it’s our first overseas holiday as a family, which we planned and have saved for since January… and two days ago my wife confessed she has been having an affair this year! I was floored… what do you say to that?
We have been married for just over 22 years and have 3 amazing adult kids (they’re in bed as I type this) and my wife is in bed also, after spending last night in a different hotel… and the clock is telling me it is now Christmas Day!
I have so much swimming around in my head and churning in my guts. I feel my whole life is about to fall apart. I love her, and while out jogging at 5 a.m. this morning (I couldn’t sleep) I prayed and cried out to God, and in my heart and through his word I know I am to forgive as I have been forgiven. But this is only day 3 and I feel so betrayed, disappointed and heartbroken. I’m finding it hard to even look at her!
I keep telling myself, I love her…we can work through this… then I’m drawn in my thoughts to the betrayal and it feels all undone again. She is deeply repentant and disappointed in herself and realises she is potentially losing everything we have invested in, life, love, family, future. All she has done is cry and beg forgiveness. Even as I dropped her at a hotel last night, I said, please understand this is only one night… but have you considered it may be forever? Bit harsh, maybe, but I couldn’t contain my hurt.
She came back to our hotel today. It’s been very difficult for all of us and now I find myself sitting on the balcony on Christmas morning feeling like I’m in the middle of an unending terrible nightmare. I end with what I started with… I don’t know what to do or feel or say. I don’t think I am looking for answers although all advice would be welcomed. I think just sitting here and writing this may be some source of healing…I hope. This would have to be the worse pain I have ever experienced.
So sorry Frankie that you find yourself in this place in your marriage… so, so sad for you. This is all so new, and finding a “new normal” will be difficult, but keep reading articles on this web site, reading quotes, and testimonies. You may find help in some of this that will help you on this painful journey. You will never be the same again after this kind of news, but please don’t lose hope that you will eventually be able to find your smile again and build a good life… hopefully together. We’ve known of many, many who have built very good marriages after this type of sledgehammer experience hits you upside the head. Please give yourself time, and lean into the healing the Lord has for you as you rebuild your life again.
Please know that our hearts go out to you and our prayers go out for you. We pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation within your marriage and family life. We also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
And this is our prayer: “that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
I am awake tonight, unable to sleep and crying from these people’s stories. I have been obsessing over my Husband’s affair and the mistress. I almost feel like giving up the marriage would be easier than trying to move forward. We have 4 kids at home. He ended it but I know they were friends so there was a connection. It’s like a ghost in the room.
I lost faith in love and I used to be the one to tell EVERYONE they will find it.
Wow. When you said “it’s like a ghost in the room” I knew exactly how you feel, I just could never find the words. That is what’s it’s like, just keep walking around that ghost wondering when it will appear again. Always on pins and needles.
Dear Cindy, I need some advice please. I often experience what I’m currently going thru. Whenever we are at gatherings, socials or in church, there is always one or the other woman flirting with my husband (I will then bring this up at a later stage and point out incidents etc). Believe it or not more in church than anywhere else, as this is where we spend most of our time, during the week and every Sunday.
Right now in church is this young married woman (almost half our age) flirting with my husband. She will wear seductive clothing and when she thinks I’m busy or not looking, she will purposely try to lock eyes with my husband, try to be around him or in his eye view. I don’t know how to handle it and even considered flirting with her husband. I feel like attacking her! I mentioned it to my husband on which he said he was not aware of it (and never is, whenever I mention these situations). I don’t know if this is the truth, even though I do know he’s a faithful husband. He will always say that he doesn’t “notice” women or that he doesn’t have any sexual thought line towards other women. What makes him different, as I know men do look? I think he thinks I’m imagining these things or he wants me to believe I’m imagining myself.
I am extremely jealous and have now started to ignore her, don’t greet her and am actually watching her all time. It’s eating at me and as we have lots of church meetings and have to deal with these feelings all the time. I actually dread going to church. I feel like saying something nasty to her and many times thought of telling the pastors, but there’s no evidence when it comes to flirting and it can easily be denied by her and they might just think my husband actually encouraged it in the first place. I need to mention tho, that my husband is very respectful and honorable by then staying clear of the particular person. Maybe he was looking at her and she felt flattered? and is she now trying to pursue something??
On one other occasion long before the above, also at church, I actually saw my husband’s eyes fell on a lady wearing a mini and quickly looking away again (which is natural), which she also saw and there after I noticed she started to flirt.
Hi Lisa, I can sure understand your concern in this matter. Sadly, just because we’re at church, or with another “Christian” it doesn’t mean that he or she will act in ways that would reflect Christian values. It SHOULD be that way, but it isn’t. That’s why you need to stay alert and aware. Honestly, I’m not sure if you’re making more of this than you should (it all may be very innocent), but I have a feeling that the Holy Spirit is giving you a little nudge here to pay more attention than I believe your husband is. He may or may not understand what this gal is up to, but it’s good that you’re paying attention. Sometimes we need to protect our spouses in their naivety.
But please don’t let that cause you to feel that you can act in un-Christ like ways with this gal either. Just because you feel she isn’t acting appropriately, that doesn’t give you a license to say or do things you shouldn’t. Attacking is not good, letting it eat you alive is not good (the imagination can go places it shouldn’t… and that is sin), neither is acting cold or saying snide remarks to her. You will come across as unChrist-like as she is.
Pray and ask the Lord what He would do in this circumstance. Do what Jesus would do. You may need to talk to your pastor to ask his opinion of what to do, and/or eventually talk to her (in Christian love). You may need to tell her that you love your husband and he loves you and that you are uncomfortable with the way she acts around him sometimes. Don’t accuse at this point (because you don’t know for sure if your feelings about her actions are true), just try to make it known that you need her to respect the boundaries that she should honor with any married man –your husband or anyone else’s.
She may not be aware that her behavior appears to be flirty and intrusive, or she may, but she isn’t aware that you feel this way, just as any wife should. A female and a male who are not married can talk more one-on-one with each other and lock eyes. But when a single person is talking to a married one, there needs to be a bit more relational distance. Find a nice way to tell her that. And then keep your eyes open.
Also, let your husband know that you appreciate it that he is faithful to you in word and deed. It’s important for our spouses to know that you know there is temptation out there, but yet they remain faithful. It means a lot. Don’t take his faithfulness for granted and let him know that you don’t take it for granted. He IS a good catch and you know it and you love the fact that he’s a faithful partner to you –honoring you and honoring God. That makes him all the more of a wonderful husband that you love and appreciate in this world where there are too many who don’t adhere to the same high moral values.
Dear Cindy, thank you for your immediate response. Thank you for the advice and wisdom. I will definitely apply it. Thanks and God Bless.
After reading all your stories I feel your pain and am going through many of your similar situations. I was a loving husband and was blind sided about the affair and the pending divorce. I pray each day and will include each and everyone of you in my prayers as well. Together we may find peace and happiness.