Are you suffering from physical abuse? If you are, please pray, read, and glean through the following info. This is not a “one-size-fits-all” situation. Prayerfully proceed. But:
Let me begin by saying that I cannot think of a circumstance in a marriage or family that could justify abuse of any kind. That includes physical abuse, emotional, mental, or sexual abuse. Abusive behavior was never and can never be a part of God’s plan for a marriage or a family.
For the sake of clarity, I’m going to limit this answer to physical abuse. And by this I mean assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. It would include hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures…
That’s the first few paragraphs of an article written by Dennis Rainey and Leslie Barner, posted on FamilyLife.com. Dennis and Leslie give a lot of great insights within this article.
We recommend you read it by clicking onto the link web site link below to learn:
• HOW TO RESPOND TO PHYSICAL ABUSE
— ALSO, Concerning Physical Abuse —
Here is another great article that can clear up some of the myths about how you should respond to abuse. It can help to clear up some of the misconceptions spouses and others can have. They are truly worth your time to read them. We believe there is something within this article for everyone to learn. Please read:
• 4 MYTHS ABOUT RESPONDING TO SPOUSAL ABUSE
Additionally, you will find below two blogs that are written by Leslie Vernick. Leslie specializes in abuse situations within relationships. As she says:
“Good relationships are so crucial for our emotional and mental health. An old Jewish proverb wisely states, ‘Sticks in a bundle are not easily broken, sticks alone can be broken by a child.’ We all need loving connection, but for many individuals instead of love and safety, they experience abuse.”
These articles approach physical violence in different ways. We believe you will find the information to be insightful as she poses questions, and then gives her responses. This first blog gives you scriptural references to read and then prayerfully consider as you look at:
• A BIBLICAL RESPONSE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
And then this next blog, written by Leslie Vernick, is a bit different. In it, she shares the advice, which was given to her by a former abuser on this matter of how to respond to physical abuse.
In this article Edmund Burke’s statement is highlighted, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men (or women) do nothing.” This is something to prayerfully consider. After reading this article and the others, what would God have you do?
Again, please pray, read, glean, and use what you believe God would have you pertaining to:
• AN ABUSERS RESPONSE TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been in a marriage of 8 months but we were cohabiting for 8 years. He found me with a child and now we have a 5 year old daughter together. My husband and I had recently had issues. All the things go back when we started living together. He started hitting me in 2005 in front of my daughter. I wanted to leave but he kept on nagging and promised he would change. It happened again in 2008. I was going to report him but I just thought what it would do to the children. He didn’t care at the time. It happened in 2009. He said I provoked him. I ended up just keeping quiet.
Now he asked me for a divorce because I’m more of a pain than a pleausre in his life. Said I’m a controlling, possesive and an unappreciative freak. I said he should go ahead with the divorce as I just had enough. I don’t have parents and I don’t have family where I’m staying. I’m alone and basically don’t have close friends to go to. I can’t live without my girls and I can’t take it anymore.
He wants us to still have sex even after the name calling and the divorce thing. I can’t afford moving out immmediately. I basically have to start all over as we have signed a prenuptial without accrual. He came home on Friday night drunk. When I went to bed he started touching me. I pushed him away. I told him that this is not a game. But he forced himself on me. When he finished I wanted to go sleep in my youngest daughter’s room. I wanted to lock the door as I know what kind of a man he is. He came and took the keys and pulled me on my gown threw me on the bed. Asked me what I was thinking I was going to achieve in locking the door.
I asked him to please let me go. He didn’t. I stood up and he threw me on the bed again. I dressed cause I wanted to get out of the house. He asked me where do I think I’m going? I told him I’m going to his parents. He told me I’m not going anywhere. He pushed me around and I asked him to stop, but he didn’t.
I eventually started pushing him back. He pushed me on the bed and started beating me. I called my littles ones name cause that was the only way he was going to stop. He stopped but didn’t want to let go of my hands. He told me not to involve the kids. What else could I do? I had no one around to rescue me.
I hid my phone cause I was scared he would take it. He now wanted us to talk and sort things out. Please help with what I need to do. My heart tells me to go to report it but I don’t know. I don’t have anywhere to go.
(USA) I’m 24 years old and married with a baby. When we first met my husband and I were like soul mates, he’s my one and only love. But when he started physically abusing me I felt worthless – like a nobody. The verbal abuse hurt a lot too, just as much. He has a bad attitude and is always negative. I hate getting hit because it hurts so bad in so many ways.
They always say you can get out. But I dont think it’s true. I have no money, no friends and it would make life really wrse if I tell a family member. And the sad part is I still feel bad for him. I can’t imagine my life without him and I know deep down that he didn’t mean to. Sometimes I wonder if life was easier would all this happen.
We are financially going down hill and our family turned their backs and here we are stressed and not knowing if we are going to make it any where. I just dont know any more. I give up…….
(PAKISTAN) Hi… I’m 24 years old. I’m engaged and my fiance abuses me and beats me a lot. I love him but I don’t feel like living with him anymore… What should I do?
(USA) Dear Heartbroken, I hope you are not married by now to this man. The reason I say this is because I was abused by my, at the time, fiancé and let me tell you, after we got married it only got worse! I am not trying to discourage you, but am just being completely honest because you would not believe some of the things I have gone through. God does not want us to be abused in any way, shape, or form. When a man abuses a woman, it is a very bad sin and that person will have to answer to God someday and suffer the consequences. If this man is abusing you, I would advise you to leave as soon as you can. It is more difficult once you are married, but it can still be done then. I hope you are safe. There are men out there that don’t beat on woman.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Help me please. I am 26 years old and my husband uses me as a punching bag. As I am writing this I am in bed with a swollen eye from him punching me. My husband is ungrateful. I do everything in the house. He does not work or anything. He tells me how his ex is better than me. I have a 7 month old. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
(AUST) Antoinette, the first thing I would do is get support. Is there a domestic violence crisis number or hotline you can call? Even if all you need is a listening ear, they will understand. If you don’t feel safe in the house, please do something for yourself and your precious baby and get to safety, even temporarily.
In most places, what he did to you would be considered assault or battery and a restraining order would be given, whether either of you want it or not. He may not like it, but it may be what he needs to learn that his actions are not acceptable by the law or society.
His abuse may escalate too, but there’s no guarantee that if you try to appease him and not rock the boat, that his abuse will not escalate. You don’t want to put your child at risk either, and there’s a high chance that one of you would be seriously harmed. So doing nothing is not an option.
(SWAZILAND) I had an argument with my husband, we were both shouting and he pushed me so I slapped him, he hit me twice on my face. I was so shocked and my face was swollen. How do I continue with him? We have 3 kids.
(USA) I have been married for 7 years. We have two little girls. My husband first of takes care of our family, but I need help. I have just been beat up by my husband 4 hours ago. We were arguing about calls he is receiving at midnight while at a friend’s house and me not wanting him to travel. I was carrying our daughter of 8 months. He started punching me, kicking my head, and my forehead. He said I was not a good mother, that I am not able to take care of children, that I am ugly, stupid, that I will pay for what I just did for the rest of my life. I was so mad that I answered back. That made things worse! He said he will kick me out of the house and keep the children.
He wanted to call my mom to send me packing to her. He punch me in my back while carrying our baby. My other daughter was screaming, asking him to stop. He is the breadwinner. He shoved so hard that he was sweating! Please pray for my family. I know it sounds cliché but I do not want the divorce. Is the only solution in this case a divorce? Lord, help me.
Nala, you ask if divorce is the “only solution” for getting out of an abusive marriage. My answer is no. But in order for that to happen, your husband will need to wake up to see that treating you this way and treating the mother of his daughters this way, is not acceptable. As he abuses you, he is writing upon the tablets of their hearts and minds and memories all kinds of toxic messages about husbands and marriage and the value of peaceful living within a family. Not only are you being abused, but so are the lives of your sweet daughters.
His offering to send you “packing” to your mom may have been a good option UNLESS your daughters would stay with him. His telling you that you are “not a good mother” is like the teapot calling the kettle black. When he treats his wife and the mother of his daughters in such a horrible way, he has absolutely no grounds for knowing what “good” is as far as parenting skills. I HIGHLY encourage you to read through other articles on this topic on this web site, praying for clarity of thought and understanding and wisdom in knowing what you should do to better protect yourself and your children. Why does he get to determine that you will be the one who is kicked out and that he should “keep the children?” Please consider what this will do to your daughters now and in the future (because you have to realize that eventually he will bring other women into his home and will abuse them in front of your daughters, as well, if they live with him).
Please be pro-active in quietly seeking help and figuring out a plan of escape from the abuse. Don’t even go there in thinking about a divorce at this point. First things first –you never know where the future may take you after the immediate step of finding safety. So put divorce away from the forefront of your mind right now. You need to find a counselor (maybe from a woman’s shelter or one of the linked organizations we post on our web site) to help you determine how to get to a place of safety, along with your daughters. Don’t tell him you are doing this; instead be quietly and quickly pro-active in doing what needs to be done. Just because he takes care of you financially, does not give him the right to treat you and your daughters in this despicable manner. We’re told in Proverbs 17:1, “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.” We’re told in Proverbs 15:17, “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.” Please find a way to establish a peaceful way of living with your daughters. Pray for your husband because he is messed up in thinking this is acceptable behavior. But even while praying for him, don’t let this stop you from getting to a place where peace can be lived out for you and your daughters. I pray God opens your heart, your mind, and your eyes to what you need to do right now. I pray He opens up opportunities to show you a way of escape from the abuse that you are experiencing and your children are observing. And I hope with all of my heart that you will take advantage of these opportunities.
(HUNGARY) I have lived with my husband for 6 years. I’m still married to him. He was lovely and smart in the beginning, treating me with love and gentleness. Gradually he became more and more abusive. During the night he would talk and shout at me, not letting me sleep. He would accuse me of ruining his life. He would say he loves me one minute, and then all of a sudden he would shout and curse for no apparent reason. He would often tell me that all bad things are caused by my family and I should totally cut off all connection with them.
I moved out 3 months ago. On the day I left I was ill with high temperature. He cursed me on this last day, attacked my faith in Jesus, spanked me, and told me I ruined his life. He also told me I should not think doing the housework counts for anything. I am very hurt and upset. I’m staying with relatives, but I’m still helping him financially and with biblical advice. We sometimes meet but then he gets out of control and I get upset and useless for the next few days. He also contacted church pastors and members, and they told me to go back to him and settle my relationship with him. I am very confused. Please advise.
(KUWAIT) I have been staying in Kuwait with my husband for 9 years. I came here when my daughter was 1 year old. Now she is 10. After my marriage I realised that my husband has some mental problems. His character changes like anything. Sometimes he tortures me like I’m in Hell. He even uses abusive language with neighbours here, without any reason. His physical voilence is such that he even broke my finger once, he tored my eardrum, and what not. Everyday he uses very abusive language against me.
I have no one here in this country. He doesn’t have any friends, and he doesn’t allow me to make any friends. I feel I am in jail. Sometimes I feel like committing suicide. But my daughter… I love her so much. Before my daughter’s birth I thought of divorcing him. In counseling he promised that he would take care of me properly. But after six months he showed me his real face. He used to beat me everyday after returning from the office. He doesn’t want to divorce me. What am I to do? Please help.
(CANADA) Hi my name is Jessica, I’m almost 19 years old; I’ve been married for almost 2 years and I’ve been with my husband for several years now. But he gets really angry and he’s hit me, choked me, pushed me…also he’s emotionally abusive. I’m not sure what to do because he feels so bad afterwards and he only does it when we get in a big fight; but it has scared me a few times. We have an 18 month old son together and I don’t want to just walk away but I don’t know what else to do. We bicker a lot :(
(USA) I feel for any woman that is going through such extreme abuse. I was raised by a single mother because my father sexaully abused my sister when she was a little girl, and my mother kicked him to the curb. Years later she had a boyfriend who later got into a fight with her and grabbed her by her neck. She picked up a heavy metal can and knocked him upside his forehead. He ran out the house screaming and never came back. She did not take any physical abuse by no one.
You women who say, “I don’t know what to do,” need to snap out of it and do something. What will happen if your husband died in a car accident or heart attack? Would you just sit at home till you starve to death? No, you will go out and do something with your life. There are shelters out there that will help victims of domestic violence. If you stay with your abusive man, they will eventually kill you. There are plenty of these cases worldwide.
For religious people who say that God hates a divorce. You don’t have to divorce him. Ever heard of legal separation? It’s not divorce, but simply staying away from him. Make sure you get a restraining order as well. Don’t let anyone destroy your precious life.
I’ve been married 2 years now and my husband recently started abusing me, not all the time, only when he drinks. I don’t know what to do because we also have a 2 yr old son.
I have been through some of the same things. The first time my ex fiancee hit me it came as a shock. He left serial bruises and told me it was my fault that I have so many mates and I never care about him. I thought he wouldn’t do it again as he said he’ll change. But soon it became a normal thing. Every time he’d make me cry then tell me to shut up or he hit me again. I had a bruise on my face once and this stopped me going to my young sister’s birthday. He said it was MY fault.
I was with him for 6 months taking the abuse, all the time getting called horrible names. One day I managed to get out of the house without telling him. I left but before I went he smashed my head against the wall, pored water over me, and just made my life a living hell. I’ve only been away now for 4 and half weeks and trust me it’s hard but if you stay with someone like that you’re going to either get killed or seriously injured. I reported him but he hasn’t been caught.
Hello everyone, I’m 23 years old and have been married since I was 18 and married my senior high crush. I loved this man up until something tragic happened in my life. We have 3 beautiful children but through out the years of being with him there have always been arguments fights and neglect. My husband has not hit me as some women, until last night. At first it has always been excessive force and even punched out the car window when I was trying to leave.
He always did the “mild” abuse and that’s taking my keys keeping me from leaving a room or the apartment. He would always leave and come back and I just forgave him each time. I love him but over time began not to be in love anymore. I used to tell him that I was not happy and that I’m depressed; he didn’t realize until I began to cheat, and formed a habit that I could no longer control. Someone wasn’t hurting me or neglecting me and we actually got along.
I’ve actually gotten up the courage to get my own place finally and although he didn’t really help me with our kids I was at peace, but he eased back into my heart. Things got slowly back right and we were “happy” and got a house finally after 5 years of trying. We live in a beautiful house but still it’s troubles. I have not cheated but have talked with a man, though never became physical with but just a friend. He didn’t like that and became very frustrated! Angry and yesterday we fought in front of the kids and he used excessive force all the time twisting my wrist and arm and over powering me.
It got bad but we were able to get over it and make love. Was basically sleep and he asked if I had a passcode on my phone and for me to give it to him. I said no if you suspect me of doing anything get it from our phone company like you said you did before because everything had ended. Instead he gets up and twists my wrist and arm until I let go of my phone in front of our kids. My last straw was yesterday and I got the courage to fight back although it doesn’t make it right what I did. I’ve gotten punched in my left thigh and kneed in my right; shoved and pushed to the ground. I feel completely devastated. But I have to leave to show my daughter and two sons also that this is not ok. He begs me to stay and that he is sorry but how many times is all I could think of. Thanks for reading. I’m currently getting ready to give up our new house that I love so much for peace of mind and to find love again!
Today was the day he punched me in the eye broke my $200 glasses. I called my parents. He claims to be the victim and I beat him. My eye is black and hurt a LOT. He claims that I beat him. I’m scared to live in my own home. This is old and I married him at 18. He is 31 and treats me like his kids not his wife. He tells his kids “if mommy hurts you tell me and I’ll kill her.