How do you cope with the fact that your spouse had intense feelings for an affair partner? The trust you had for your spouse is shattered when you think that they could have cast your feelings off to the side in such a horrible manner. How do you get past your shattered feelings?
This article, written in a question and answer format, is not intended for those “who have recently discovered their spouse’s extramarital affair. But rather it is written for those who have been on a healing journey for a significant period of time, who desire to stay married, and whose spouses have done their part in taking responsibility for their affair and doing the work necessary to heal the marriage.”
Need to Take Steps Towards Healing
Sometimes we try to skip necessary steps in healing such devastation. Please know that it almost always takes years to heal from this type of betrayal. There are exceptions to most anything, although it would be rare if this would be one of them. Even if all the “conditions” are right, this is so. Please do all you can to allow yourself the time and make the effort to heal as you should.
With this in mind, for those that are ready, you can find the following article on the web site for the Beyond Affairs Network. This network, directed by Anne and Brian Bercht, helps those who are dealing with affair issues. It is directed by Anne and Brian Bercht. Please click onto the link provided below so you are able to read this article:
• How Do You Cope if Your Spouse
Had Intense Feelings for Their Affair Partner
— ALSO —
Here is an article written by Joe Beam that gives insights into the type of love that affair partners start with. I believe you will find it to be especially relevant to this entire issue. He also explains why it isn’t a love that is sustainable at the same level and how it can go very wrong, eventually. I encourage you to read:
• CHOOSING BETWEEN SPOUSE AND LOVER: What If It’s Love?
And then lastly, here is another article, written by Anne and Brian, that you may find helpful to read and prayerfully consider:
• What Happens if the Cheating Spouse Loves the other Woman or Man?
We pray this helps in some way. May God give you insight, discernment, and healing.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(ZIMBABWE) What if your husband has an affair that results in a child, goes on to traditionally marry the woman without your knowledge and when you discover it he wants to break off his marriage from the affair? How does one cope with that?
(S.AFRICA) How does one react when your husband wants you to commit to saving the marriage but needs “time” to get over his love for the other woman? He still does not love ME. Help; am I going to be hurt again? What should my response be?
(USA) How does one react when your husband wants you to commit to saving the marriage but needs “time” to get over his love for the other woman? He still does not love ME. Help; am I going to be hurt again? What should my response be?
i need help with this too!
(USA) This is a good question and one that I struggle with daily. I wonder what I should do too. He won’t admit he is still hurting. This was an old girlfriend from high school that he never totally let go of. He begged me to let him stay and said he would do anything. Well, he will only go to counseling if I make the appointments. He is pulling away from me and sleeping in the basement. I asked him to help out more and grow up. Also I can’t sleep with a man that only seems to be working on the kids and not the marriage. He uses the job as excuse that he can’t go to counseling. Makes me so mad. HE can work all this out with his job for other things but not working on the marriage. I don’t know what to do either. Just know I am praying for you all. I know it is hard.
(USA) My husband too needed “time” to get over his affair. I gave him that time (only thru the grace of God). I can say to you that if he is truly repentent, one day a light bulb will go on and he will realize the pain he has caused you and how disgusting his actions were and you will be glad that you gave him time.
Live for today and today only, as yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here. Sometimes minute by minute.
Forgiveness is a process that starts with choosing to forgive and the feelings of forgiveness come after, not first. Choose to forgive as Christ chose to forgive us and emulate Christ. Find an excellent Christian counselor, write everything down in journal and breathe. Christ holds you in the palm of his hand. He is in control and has plans for you to prosper. (Jeremiah 29:11) It will get better, slowly, but it does. I am living proof!
Read: Love and Respect by Eggerich, Sacred Marriage by Thomas, Created to be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious
by Debi Pearl, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
by Dave Carter, Love Must be Tough by Dobson, Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser. God Bless!
(USA) I understand what Kristi is saying. I agree 100% but wonder how long is long. I am only a few months into this. My husband had the affair. I am still in the minute to minute stages sometimes. I want to forgive. I don’t want to be hurt again. I also agree with Vongai? How to cope. My husband’s affair resulted in pregnancy. The child is due in a couple of months. I believe he wants this marriage with his whole heart. He doesn’t want to turn his back on his child. There must be contact forever now. What can I do? It feels like I am being physically attacked sometimes. He says he doesn’t want to torture me with it. I am not able to form my questions at this time. I hope that someone who has lived through this can give me some input.
(USA) Teresa, I found your post while looking for ANY kind of help in coping with my husband’s affair. My husband is in an affair right now. He’s basically moved in with her. He had a child with her 5 years ago and things didn’t work out and he and I started dating and married 2 years ago. I’ve helped raise his son and we had a daughter together a year ago.
I was friends with his ex since I was helping raise their child. There was never anything going on between them before this time. She had found someone else and they got married this year in February. However, in August, she realized she didn’t love him (after 4+ years together) and ended their marriage. My husband pretty much ran to her at this point and professed his love for her (unbeknownst to me).
Fast forward 3 months and he’s now living with her (he’s there a lot anyway). He seems stuck between the two of us. He says he loves me but he loves her too. His feelings for her seem very strong. He ended it with her on our 2 year anniversary and came home and was angry at me for that. He came home the next night and was distant. Then he left again and didn’t come back.
Everyday I struggle to get up and function. I have a 1 year old to take care of and a job to go to. I do my best but I’m so torn up inside, I’m barely functioning. I don’t know how to cope. I just want my marriage back. He will never be able to end all contact with her since they share a child. I think I can get past it if they end the affair. But the longer the affair goes on, the less I think he will come back to me. I have no idea what to do! How are you coping?
(UNITED STATES) I too came across this to find some sort of way to cope with this 2 wk old baby… that looks like it could be his. Did you ever get past the hurt? I’m at a point where I don’t even want the baby in my home… or knowing our 7 month old. Yup! 2 kids in one year… I don’t want MY older children knowing about it either! It’s very frustrating… and Im having trouble coping.
(UNITED STATES) Ricky, Go to http://www.marriagebuilders.com; there are articles to help your situation.
(USA) Separated for 10 months after confirmed infidelity. We have children of our own and were married for 20 years. I now find out that my husband also had two children due to the infidelity which was with a family member of mine. He denied suspicions all along and allowed everyone else to reveal rather than come forward! He has since stopped hiding and has now professed his love for the other woman and wants to be there with the other kids and spends much time with them.
Such a devastation to my entire family and I think it is rather sick. My youngest child (6) doesn’t know about the other kids. It is so fresh that at this point, I refuse to let her know and will not allow for him to reveal this to her under the circumstances even if it means keeping the kids from him for a while. He has played so many games with me over the years. He has claimed to others it was over before my 6 year old daughter was born. I am sick over it and having trouble coping. I pray for strength every day.
I’m in the same place. Obviously he has chosen me so his love here is stronger, as it is for you. I hate it when I see him grieve but I also know it means she is leaving his heart. Hope this helps
(KENYA) It is good to know that I am not alone. I asked my husband why he did it. He said it had nothing to do with me. How do I trust again? How do I believe what he says? It can be extremely painful. Am I still of value to him? He says so- but I am having a hard time believing him. Thank you Kristi, for reminding us that Christ DOES have an excellent plan for us. His word is settled (Psalms 119:89).
(USA) @Teresa, I myself, just found out a few months ago that the same thing has happened to me. It resulted from a one night stand, about 2 years ago, with papers later coming in the mail from a local social service office, asking for a DNA test, which has resulted in the child being his… I do still love my husband, but it just takes time. My prayer is that everything will be okay. But I have also come to a peace within myself that if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay too.
He is now paying child support for this child.. which has played a huge factor in our finances because it’s over 400 dollars a month. The mother of the child isn’t fit. From what we have heard she has other children in social services custody along with this child. So it’s hard for me, being that I’m a mother… but this child isn’t mine. I’m having to deal with this in my mind. All I can say is pray and talk with God. Each person needs time to heal… signed, going through the same thing. Be blessed.
(SOUTH AFRICA) What do you do or how do cope when you find that your husband is having an affair and has no intensions of ending the affair and tells it to your face that he is not ready to break the relationship as yet?
(US) I am going thru a difficult situation and don’t know what to do. I have been together with my husband for 19 years we married by church 6 years ago. I had a 7 day old son when I met him and never denied my son. We dated and decided to get together. Four years later we had a daughter. Years went by. Though things were good in 2004 we got married. We tried getting pregnant and did but had miscarriage. That was very dificult for me.
We were able to get pregnant again in 2005 and had another beautiful daughter. My endometriosis became worse and our relationship started drifting apart. He wouldn’t spend time with us and was always out on the weekends. He started sleeping in another room. He said our daughter wouldn’t let him sleep. Well, we still remained together. Sometimes I ask myself why, if no support or understanding has come from him.
In December of 2009 I suggested we file Bankruptcy due to me feeling our relationship was falling farther and farther apart. He agreed and we filed for it. Plus, I felt that I didn’t want to get stuck with everything in our names and in case he left me.
I found a house and am currently renting it. He stayed in the old house for a couple months due to us not getting along. He is renting an apartment now. We still continued to see each other. We seem to not be able to stay away even with all our issues. Well, just this year on July 3rd, I found out that he had an affair with a 28 year old woman in 2009 while he had been working out of town. Needless to say, I feel miserable and am not dealing with it very well. He had a child with this woman and it’s a boy. He turned 1 in August of this year. He states he didn’t want me to find out because he didn’t want to hurt me since we had started working our other issues out.
Well, I feel that I can’t go on, he uses the excuse that he wanted to know what a SON of his blood would look like. This is even worse for me, does this mean he has never accepted my son? If I stay with him people will laugh at me and think I am stupid especially since my children are 19 and 14 my youngest is 4. She really doesn’t understand what is going on. I have spoken to the other woman. She is sorry, says she didn’t know he was married and had children. She says when she found out it was too late to do anything. All she wants is to have him support the child. Please tell me what I should do?
(S. AFRICA) My problem is this: My husband, after a two year affair, wants back, ONLY because his affair partner ended it a few days before the divorce (that he alone so badly wanted) went through. Why do I feel like No 2? He has begged and pleaded with her and when ALL ELSE failed suddenly I am good enough again. This, after all the rejection, hurt and pain he put me and the children through.
This is so hard. I love him but I know deep down that if SHE had not ended it, we would be divorced today and he would have very happily married her.
Does he truly love me? Was this God’s intervention I have being praying for? Why do I feel this way?
(USA) I too know your pain here is the short story. My wife cheated on me when I was deployed in 2009. I caught her and we eventually moved on and agreed to work on the marriage. But things didn’t change, she went back to her affair and it turned serious. She just didn’t know how to leave me so planned on sending me away for some space because we have been having problems. Turns out she took too long and her lover left her for another woman and now she is pregnant, wants to move on and didn’t plan on revealing the truth. The only reason I know is because my best friend has been secretly investigating my wife’s affair since I caught her the first time.
I was and still am devastated by all of this; I just found out three weeks ago and it seems like an eternity. I’m still madly in love with her and plan on having a DNA test and going from there. I want my wife back but the thought of her having another man’s baby won’t let me forgive her, especially since we have tried very hard to have children with no success. I pray everything works out for you and you find true happiness and I hope my story helps you know that your not alone in this :)
(S.AFRICA) Dear Rob, Thank you. Unfortunately there was not a happy ending. It did not take long to discover that I was being treated as a “back up” when all else failed. He did not love me anymore and very soon had moved on to yet another affair. We are now divorced and my heart still aches for the man I love and was married to for 38 years. My heart hurts for you in your situation. I pray that it all works out. It is sad but good in a way to know I am not alone. I would not wish this heartache on a single soul. God bless you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I also discovered that my husband and an affair with a girl half our age. Initially, he wanted me to give him time to sort out his feelings regarding the other woman. He says he is over the other woman and is committed to make the marriage work. I do not believe in divorce and I am not going to initiate it, but I feel I am working so hard to restore my marriage whilst he is dragging his feet wanting me to understand that he is dealing with this matter his way. I thought we should be in this together, walking step by step and hand in hand. I also want to hurt that other woman badly cause it’s someone I know who is not remorseful at all. I have read, prayed but the pain doesn’t seem to want to go away. Each day it’s a torture.
(BOTSWANA) I understand your pain sister, but I encourage you to keep your eyes in Jesus He will restore your marriage and will take the pain away. Great years are ahead. Forgive unconditionally.
(US) I am finding this a very helpful site. My husband had a 14 year adulterous arrangement with a woman who was a stranger …approached him and agreed to it knowing up front he was married with three small children whose wife homeschooled them all. We have been married now 30 years.
She followed us through many transfers …he hired her and took her as his business partner so they spent far more time together than a wife ever could.
As she was told that he would never leave me …she pressed him to give her a child since she was getting older, did not have any other man and she ‘researched ‘ being a single mom. She got a new house, new car and all her expenses paid and pressed for another child.
When I found out we had just moved and he had to stop all contact …even though he had built a bond with them as they were then 3 and 7.
A man’s JURISDICTION …from GOD in marriage means he has responsiblity and POWER to fulfill that responsibility ONLY in the covenant marriage. That is where the fulfillment is WHEN he man does what he has vowed to do as husband, even if he doesn’t know much about it, it STILL remains his command from GOD …God first …wife second …then the children. No children from adultery are under that covenant …they are unlawful.
This sounds ‘mean’ in today’s culture, but that woman is going to be in NEED of GOD IF she suffers the rightful consequences of her sin. It should cause her to seek forgiveness and GOD too. GOD will provide for her IF the adulterous spouse will step out of the way!
Our children are grown but still with us …I have had counsel that points out the best in this is for her to be financially supported in terms of the children’s support and she should bare the responsibilty for her own choice and work.
She actually put forth the idea of her wanting to be a ‘single ‘parent …so she should be more authentic instead of being some kind ‘heroine ‘ of the cutting edge trend that is harmful to all …by this so called ‘reproductive right’ claim
This woman has received over 35 years worth of child support according to my attorney whom I consulted for my information as to what is legally our responsibility. She has had nearly two million dollars to OUR HURT in the past 11 years, as we were downsized several times.
The financial losses are not the biggest part …it is the spiritual rape of my husband’s intial walk …now very tenuous.
My heart and my children’s hearts broken because he DECIDED and PLANNED these children …even as his work and his adultery took most of what our children’s lives might have had …had he spent his time properly participating in our family life. He is sorrowful now ..seeing her various manipulations.
She was basically a CALL girl, even as her parents APPROVED of her being with a married man, and getting children because of the money.
Beware the devil prowls around like ROARING LION ..seeking whom he may devour. A man who goes into a strange woman lacks wisdom …is a fool and knows not it for his life…she seeks for the precious life …her way is a narrow pit [grave].
If we pray for our enemies ..doing good …it ‘blesses’ them and they then are without excuse and in the end if they do not turn. THEY have then a life time of a testimony of GOD’s grace and goodness that then CONDEMNS them because they cannot say GOD was not gracious in giving them TIME to turn from sin.
ALL of what we do in life fills either a “cup of wrath’ or if we turn to Jesus Christ and seek repentance….a ‘cup of blessing ‘ which is all of our obedient responses to His Spirit …which is HIS WORD.
She actually brought forth ‘two witnesses’ to her sin ..her two children. She is seeking God but in all the new age things. I called her and left her a message ‘that we should talk’ to see if she had anything to say …she never called.
She has not tried to see how my husband is, or report on the children …which is fine with me …but it is evidence of her hardened heart…the cold attitude about what she has done ..and little indication of her having any regret. I believe it was her goal all along …to get a life time of support through the children since she knew my husband was a man whose pride would not allow him to neglect the children though she had ‘required’ them as part of the means to get him to leave me and our children.’
I had testified to her regarding the gospel of the cross …back before she went on to desire children …truly a child of the devil …none of the words of the Lord found a ‘place’ in her. She continues to have her children trained up in a private school that teaches new age doctrines …God is not mocked.
She MAY turn and be saved and be provided by a husband but her ungodly and selfish character may make it difficult to be a faithful wife. It is a mess and our hearts are broken. That my husband planned children with her is like ‘adultery ‘ of a father against his children!
We are decided to continue to work for our marriage and wait upon the Lord within all of these efforts …to allow HIM to demonstrate restoration and reconciliation which is what TWO becoming ONE is about in the first place…Jesus sacrificially loving his wife ..the church to gain her back from the fallen state that mankind was in. Eve taken OUT from Adam ..and put back in one flesh …just as Christ restoration of the BRIDE to himselm!
(USA) My husband fell in love with his boss. They both made plans to stay together until he decided me or her; asked please leave me and the kids until we come 1st. The affair went on for 6 months and made agreements to see his kid if ok with her.
Now she is 52 and he is 37 years old. That does upset me a lot about her being older than me. Was she a mom too him? I did ask the question to him. No, was his answer. The Co-Worker made more problems for us like I was bossing him around like at work. People working there knew about the affair.
(UNITED STATES) Number 2, Your husband didn’t “fall in love” with his boss. They were spending so much time together, and talking so much that she started to meet his emotional needs.
Your husband has poor boundaries around the opposite sex and that is what created this. YOU are not responsible for your husbands actions. Asking your husband about why he is with her is a waste of your time. Wayward spouses involved in affairs are like drug addicts and high on their drugs. Some people call this the “wayward fog.”
There are things you can do to save your marriage. A forum which I belong to (my wife had an affair) is http://www.marriagebuilders.com, click forum in the upper right hand corner and join “surviving an Affair.”
(US) I am 50 and good-looking for my age and I have 2 kids. The younger is going to college this autumn. I thought my husband of 26 years was the epitome of a perfect husband/father-loving, responsible, morally upright and a good provider until I chanced upon his secret facebook account yesterday where I discovered his 2-year affair with a woman 25 years younger than him who lives in Asia where he travels at least 4 times a year.
The chat history bore a trail of significant sum of money being regularly sent in addition to expensive gifts, occasional large amount of cash and airline and hotel bookings for her monthly out-of-town vacations. It also reveals his intense feeling for this woman. Confronted, he admitted without remorse of his love for her.
I raised the divorce issue and he seemed amenable, if not relieved with the idea. My world collapsed. I am numb. I can’t even cry. I still can’t come into terms with reality. I can’t bear the betrayal, pain and shame he caused me and my children.
(AUSTRALIA) An interesting article. I agree it’s very hard for the betrayed spouse if their husband/wife has or has had feelings for their affair partner. Still feelings aren’t everything. If actions are being taken by the cheating spouse that are honorable and loving to try again in the marriage then that is a start. Feelings don’t tell us the whole truth. The article goes on to say to enjoy today and tomorrow, commenting on the cheating spouse now having renewed intense feelings of love for their spouse. This would be ideal but is not always the case. Even if loving feelings aren’t present the marriage can still be rebuilt. Over time loving feelings may hopefully return, although it is not guaranteed.