How do you cope with the fact that your spouse had intense feelings for an affair partner? The trust you had for your spouse is shattered when you think that they could have cast your feelings off to the side in such a horrible manner. How do you get past your shattered feelings?
This article, written in a question and answer format, is not intended for those “who have recently discovered their spouse’s extramarital affair. But rather it is written for those who have been on a healing journey for a significant period of time, who desire to stay married, and whose spouses have done their part in taking responsibility for their affair and doing the work necessary to heal the marriage.”
Need to Take Steps Towards Healing
Sometimes we try to skip necessary steps in healing such devastation. Please know that it almost always takes years to heal from this type of betrayal. There are exceptions to most anything, although it would be rare if this would be one of them. Even if all the “conditions” are right, this is so. Please do all you can to allow yourself the time and make the effort to heal as you should.
With this in mind, for those that are ready, you can find the following article on the web site for the Beyond Affairs Network. This network, directed by Anne and Brian Bercht, helps those who are dealing with affair issues. It is directed by Anne and Brian Bercht. Please click onto the link provided below so you are able to read this article:
• How Do You Cope if Your Spouse
Had Intense Feelings for Their Affair Partner
— ALSO —
Here is an article written by Joe Beam that gives insights into the type of love that affair partners start with. I believe you will find it to be especially relevant to this entire issue. He also explains why it isn’t a love that is sustainable at the same level and how it can go very wrong, eventually. I encourage you to read:
• CHOOSING BETWEEN SPOUSE AND LOVER: What If It’s Love?
And then lastly, here is another article, written by Anne and Brian, that you may find helpful to read and prayerfully consider:
• What Happens if the Cheating Spouse Loves the other Woman or Man?
We pray this helps in some way. May God give you insight, discernment, and healing.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(IRELAND) I’m 18 and I’m on the other side of this as I had an affair with a 35 year old married man. Its been over now for 8 months. He still texts me from time to time to see how I am.
Now we weren’t in love, but I just can’t seem to move on from this. I feel bad for his wife as she doesn’t know but the thing is I’m now pregnant. He tells me he can’t have kids and I don’t want to tear a family apart. I would hate that as they have 3 kids together. I don’t know his wife but he’s never talked bad about her and neither will I because she doesn’t deserve this.
I just can’t seem to move on and there’s something about him that just makes me want him more, even though I know it’s wrong. Then I think I was just a sex object to him which I must have let myself be, as it made me feel better about myself that someone wanted me. I did care deeply about this man, but not love.
Carly, Is it possible that you could put this child up for adoption –to be adopted by a family who desperately wants a child to raise as their own? This could help you to “move on” and also help not to upset this wife and those other 3 children’s lives, plus give this child the opportunity to be raised by two parents who really want him or her to be part of their family. I know of several who have adopted children and they have the most loving homes.
You are so young and you don’t have a husband to cherish you and this child, which is the best environment in which to bring up a child. It would be very difficult for you to raise this child on your own –especially at this stage in your life. Adoption could help this child, you, and this other family. Just a thought. I hope you will consider it. I hope the best for you and this child.
(UNITED STATES) Carly, Your affair with this married man is NOT over; it is just on hold. The first step in ending an affair is to permanently end (as in for the rest of your life) all contact with the affair partner.
Have you apologized to his wife?
If you want to end your affair and start healing, you need to mail him a letter asking him to never contact you again. A sample letter can be found at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com
(UNITED STATES) I’ve been reading all the betrayal and pain from the previous comments. And although I keep hearing a voice say “trust me,” I still feel sooo heartbroken. I feel like an idiot for believing in tis man. And then he tells me, it’s to me, it’s him. I did nothing wrong… (Keep in mind I have struggled with depression… highs and lows (sleep for long periods) for many years, tried many different meds… Jesus has been the only constant in my healing!!!)
We have been together since 7/2006. My Dad died at age 82 in 2005. A month before I met my husband I had emergency surgery and am not able to have more children. Knowing this, my husband still pursued, even knowing he wanted more children. We both are 52 years, Christians, previous marriage (unfaithful spouses), he has 6 children, all are grown with grandchildren, except a 13 year old daughter (we share the same first name). I have a 26 year old son, who lost his 1st born at a month old (had a heart attack 7/2008). And now God has blessed him again with another daughter in 2010.
12/2008, we moved to Texas to raise our children, in Christ. My 17 year old son lives with us. Every year in March I go home to care for my 82 year old mom to relieve my siblings and to be a blessing to her. 2011, I returned home to find my home, bills, etc neglected. After finding massage oil in my husband’s sock drawer, he finally (2nd explanation) tells me he has been seeing a mentally unstable (just needs to get on some meds, he says) 26 year old, who has a job but used to be (may still be) an escort and wants her to sire a child for him. “They haven’t slept together yet.” She has just given him oral sex (in my bedroom). And now she just got her 1st studio apartment (by the way, I found a note in his truck 11/2/10, this is what it said, “I will become responsible and accountable. I will become the dominant man I am. I will be with the woman that I want. I will have a child next year”).
This man has been distant and staying with his sister “helping her out” (she just got a divorce) since we got here in 12/2008. I moved with my son 6/2009 when I got back (California). He didn’t move in with us until 2/2011. When I got ready to leave (California). Anyway, he has continued to provide for us through all this. He still lives with us now and he promises he will not leave me and says he changed his mind about the baby.
January 14, 2012, “he says he wants to rededicate his life to Christ and recommit to our marriage and get counseling” … Hasn’t happened yet. This is the 3rd week giving the girl a ride to (10 A.M.) and from work (8 P.M.), that was supposed to last 2 weeks. His mom and aunt (70 years old) are upset that he continues to act like an irresponsible boy. His daughter stays with them and us alternate weeks. The 26 year old says she doesn’t want to be a home wrecker. There is sooo much more going on I just can’t write it.
I realized as I close this comment (sorry it’s so long), that for me to have continual peace until God moves, I have to stay in the Word of God and commune with other saints of God. Please continue to pray for my husband to come back to Christ… “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint” -Isaiah 40:31. Thank you for all your prayers.
(UNITED STATES) I am very sorry for your pain. Persons involved in affairs show the same traits as addicts; just as a drug addict must be permanently separated from his/ her drug, so must a man involved in an affair be permanently separated from his affair partner.
The first step for you, as a betrayed spouse, is to EXPOSE the affair. All of your husbands friends and family need to know that he is having an affair. It should also be exposed to his affair partners husband or significant other; if they work together the employer should know of the affair.
YOU have power to act; do not become a helpless victim of your husbands affair. If you visit marriagebuilders.com and click forum in the upper right hand corner, join the room “Surviving an Affair” and you will find support there. God bless you.
(BERMUDA) I worked abroad and my husband who is in my homeland (Asia) twice, told me after a minor argument that he wants to do crazy things because he was angry at me, not knowing that out of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaks (our arguments or his getting angry at me has nothing to do with what he wants).
He enjoys having affairs and playing with younger women. I just learned all about his repeated infidelity and having kids with his extramarital affairs. I decided to divorce him now but I am apprehensive because of his crazy behaviour (possibly can be fatal and cause so much destruction).
I trust God for my situation. But I want to know if there is any way to approach this kind of person and if anybody has ever encountered such personality like him. My daughter (9 yrs old) is staying with him and she swears not to leave her dad and even joins her dad with his outing with these young women. Of course, kids do not have good judgement. But I see it is not the right way for the child to grow. I am not able to go home (in Asia yet because I am not financially capable). I worry so much for my daughter. Please help me.
(TANZANIA) I am a 45 year old lady. I got married 16 years ago. Three months into marriage I discover my spouse was having an emotional affair with a good senior lady friend. I fought, begged and did all I could but it only ended when the ladies’ husband got to know about the depth of their relationship. We moved to Tanzania 2008 and he has had three affairs and time sexually involved with the ladies.
The last case was with a single lady in our office where I work. We are suppose to be believers, him since 1983 and I since 1993. I am so confuse because I don’t think he wants to talk about it now, nor is he worried about what he has done. He blames me for his unfaithfulness, which I really don’t understand why.
However I have decided to use this sad story to learn about myself and my need and to learn to turn to God to help me. It is so painful. I cried all my tears out until I have none left. But I still do not know what he wants. I stay in the marriage because I know God hates divorce and because of our two kids, though I am ready to work on the relationship. But I sense he does not want to work on it. He wants it to be the way he wants. I feel used by my husband, as if he married me for his social status and to be a wife that is there to bring him the happiness he needs from the family milieu, while he keeps his secret relationships with other women.
I have decided to do my best to obey God’s word and be submission and respect him despite all and may God be pleased for all I try to do. As for the relationship, I told him I will not talk about it unless he wants. I go through such intense periods of temptations because of lack of affection, love or care but by God’s grace I have not fallen. Please help me, I want to please God but I hate the insecurity I live in. Thanks. Yours in Christ.
(UNITED STATES) I too have started dealing with all of this. My husband who I have been with now for over 12 years recently had an affair. They met back in the beginning of April of this year and started a friendship. I was unaware, but he had been unhappy and did not communicate this with me. Later in April, I found some inappropriate texts back and forth. He said it was just harmless flirting, that was all, but he would stop. I found it again shortly after that.
In May, we had this big blow out over this girl and the texting and he went away for 1 week by himself in July and that is when it “just happened”. He said he didn’t mean for it to, but it did. I found out and have been trying to work on it since. He says he loves me, and did love her, but now he only wants her friendship back. This friendship lead to lies about more texts back and forth all day and all night long. A month ago, he told me that he would end all contact with her. I thought that this was happening and then I find out, it never stopped.
He says he loves me and is not in love with her, but rather infatuated or needing to have that friendship there in case we didn’t work out. He says he saw no hope in me that I could forgive him for all these things. She contacted me and spilled a lot of stuff that I didn’t ever want to know and I think that this turned a lightbulb on/off for him. She hurt me… not him this time. He told me that this time he was DONE with her. It has been a week since I found out that they were texting again and there has been no communication thus far.
Should I continue to trust that he doesn’t love her and really does want to move on and forget all the “stuff”? I am just so confused. It would be so much easier if I didn’t love him. Help!
(USA) I’m sorry you are here. Adultery is the most harmful act a spouse can commit in a marriage. To answer your question, you should NOT trust him at all. I encourage you to visit marriagebuilders.com and read the book Surviving an Affair
by Dr Bill Harley.
(AFFRICA) Having been married for 18 years, I learned that there was this other woman in the picture since May and I have been checking my husband’s phone records. Initially it started with one text and when I asked him he lied her about nationality to me until I spoke to her one day. We have had many flare-ups since then; the last he swore that he would not text her as often one day when I came home I asked him if he spoke to her that day he said no (forgot to mention they work together). But when I checked his phone records it turns out that they text each other all thru the day and they text each other all thru the day every single day. He has lied a few times now. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster since then. I have seen stuff on his phone that makes me believe things are going on between them. He says they are just friends but what do they talk about the whole day to exchange so many text messages? They will pay as even texting another woman constantly is adultery.
Sometimes there are like more than 100 + texts between them for a day. The woman is married with a child. I dont understand how another married woman can do this, she needs to have more sense. Unless she is a whore herself. She needs to put herself in my situation and see how she would feel if her husband was constantly texting and talking to someone. Shame on these women. God will punish them. I hope that all married women who hit on someone else’s husbands pay. A this point, I am still so in love with my husband, but he does not say it to me unless I say it to him. But I am willing to forgive her and hope my husband comes back to me; I pray hard each night and day and thank God for all the little things he has given me in my life and ask him to bless my husband and this woman and make them come to their senses and realize that they are hurting people in ways they don’t know. I am not sure if her husband knows but I sure hope he finds out. They act like kids. My husband does not talk to me unless he needs something or has a question to ask but he is constantly in contact with her. He says that he loves me now and again and wants to do stuff with and for me and take me places but is still in contact with her. He needs to lose her or limit the contact. I have no problem with that but the Bottom Line is he has to STOP LYING TO ME! Get a life people and dont mess with others.
(AFRICA) Where do I even start? There have been so many issues going on all at once. My husband of 6 years had an affair with a 19 year old about 1.5 years ago. Once I found out he told me that he would end it and would not be in touch with her. About 4 weeks ago I found a message from the same girl to my husband saying HI. When I confronted him he said, she has been sending sms and calling him but nothing is going on; they are just talking.
I felt very hurt because I thought this chapter of our life, we had dealt with and it was over. For about 3 weeks I asked him how he would handle this situation and he just left it. Later on he sent her a message on how he loves his wife and kid and how he is hurting me and she must never conatct him again.
The very same morning as I was talking to a friend, she revealed a secret that my husband has a child (13 year old) and this was long before my time -everyone in his family knows about it but no one cared to tell me. When I asked him he agreed to say yes, but he is not in this child’s life. I asked him to leave the house and to date, he has not contacted me or tried to explain anything to me. His family also the same. I have a daughter with him and I feel very hurt that all this is going on.
(ZAMBIA) I have been married to my husband for close to 3 yrs now. We dated for almost 6 yrs. It was a distant relationship. In the second year of us dating he got close to a lady he works with. I tried talking to him about how uncomfortable I was with their friendship but all he said is that they were just friends and she knows her boundaries. Every time I would try to talk to this lady all she would do is keep quiet and not answer to say anything I said.
My husband my then boyfriend assured me that nothing was going on between them. When we got married I remained in another town for school whislt he stayed where he was asking working. Whilst still at school I received a call from an anonymous person telling me about my husband’s affair with the same lady –that she even goes to sleep at our house especially month ends, when they are both working late. I tried talking to my husband but he still refused and also tried talking to the same lady but she still wouldn’t say anything to me, which even hurts me most.
Apparently this lady is married and the husband stays far from her. They now have a child with the same husband. When I heard she’s pregnant and married I was a bit relieved thinking my husband was all mine now. But I think I was wrong. Just recently I found emails in my husband’s mail box as he left his email open when he was browsing. The emails I saw that they have been sending to each other, really disturbed me and the fact that they even write at the end of their emails saying please delete this message is something that really disturbed me more because it just means that they are a lot of things that they write to each other and they just make sure all the evidence is removed. The surprising thing is that this lady usually communicates to my husband mostly when she has gone to visit the husband. My husband even mentioned in one of the emails that I miss you so much and I wish you were near. I asked my husband about these emails and the answers he gave are not convincing me.
Now I don’t know what to do, as my husband keeps refusing this relationship he has been having with this lady. This lady is actually very close to my husband’s mum. She usually goes to see my mother in-law and they call each other with my mother in-law at awkward hours. Right now am so devastated. I have never shared this with anyone. I really wish I could find someone to talk to, just someone to lend me her ears and a shoulder to cry on. Through all this I have prayed to God like I don’t know. Please help me.
(UNITED STATES) My husband had an affair 2 years ago that resulted in a child being conceived. The thing that hurt the most was that it happened with someone that was related to him and that he took his family to leave with the other woman and her husband. It still hurts to this day even though we are rebuilding our marriage. I love my husband dearly and want this to work and I think it will with the help of God. The child is not a part of my husband’s life because this is what the other woman wants for reason unknown. I think its because she can’t have my husband, so there is hope for marriages after an affair. Trust in God and kept the faith.
(USA) My husband was seeing a woman for a year and a half behind my back and he chose her over me. He wanted a relationship with her. She rejected him. All he told me is that he slept with her twice. I’ve been questioning him about it and found all that out. He wants to forget about it because he said it makes him depressed. He said if I talk or question him again we are over. He has changed a lot and has done many things he never did before to help give me peace of mind. But what if the girl contacts him because she changed her mind? I want to ask him if he chose her over me. He does want to move to a diffrent state to get rid of conflicts of interest. His affair was for a yr and a half. I found out 2 months ago; do I say anything or try to cope and stay quiet?
(AUSTRALIA) It’s early days for your husband. Hang in there. His feelings of ‘withdrawal’ will take a while to dissipate. It’s kind of like giving up a drug. Don’t despair. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. I mean it’s not good. I had a brief affair. It has taken me years to recover, but now my marriage is very good. I don’t know what I would have choosen if ‘he’ had pursued me. Thankfully he didn’t. Still it has taken a lot of time for me to feel those feelings for my husband. It’s something I NEVER want to repeat.
Men are quite practical. The main thing is that he is with you now. Make it clear that you will not tolerate on going contact (you are not a doormat) but feelings that are strong stay around a while, maybe a lifetime at a low level. Be thankful he wants to move to another state. It indicates he wants to move on. Even though it doesn’t seem fair, give him a chance to grieve what he has lost.
I am sorry for his betrayal. I hope that he has expressed sincere apologies for the hurt he has caused. All the best.
(USA) The woman he had an affair with has been with with a sick woman’s husband for the last four yrs. When she can’t be with him she sleeps with other men. She parties with his guy cousins and hangs out with them. My husband dont have a car. But his cousin would take him to be with her. Then sometimes he takes my car to be with her. She only wanted sex with my husband. He wanted to have a relationship with her and leave me. She chose the other guy. But she is still open to have sex with him. She lives 5 or ten minutes from us.
I’m so afraid he will give in. If he did how would I know? He can pick and choose when he works and for how long. I have to work 1 pm to 9 pm. I have started a log book of the distances we both go. I make sure I erase the miles and log the total car mileage. I am reading on marriage builders and it is very insightful. But I’m always worried sick to my stomach, and can’t wait to leave for work. I don’t even want to go to work.
He said he wanted the truth out and to start over with a clean slate, no half truth or lies have been nothing but that. He has made efforts. I know he loves me. But I know she excites him and is fun. I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me with details. What details should I be able to know? I know it makes him feel bad, and depressed to think about it or talk about it. We can’t move till the end of May or the beginning of June. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with things?
(USA) The reason he is still with me is because she been seeing another married man for four years. She wants to wait for that guy. She just wants my husbsnd for sex when she can’t be with the other guy. So her door is open for sex. How will I ever know? I work from 1 pm to 9 pm. He works for family and he can come and go as he pleases. His cousin lives up the road and he’s taking my husband to be with her. My husband was also taking my car to be with her.
I’m always worried and sick to my stomach. He was able to do that for 18 months. His family enabled it, kept the secrets and lies. I’m loging miles and distances. I am tired of it but love him and being with him. I can’t wait to move.
(USA) Jennifer thank you for putting it in perspective for me. I was so caught up in the emotions. I couldn’t think reasonable. I just want to talk with someone about it an have no one. Family and friends are out of the question because that will cause more conflict. My husband doesn’t want anyone connected to us to know. But he talks to his family that enabled it about it.
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I just reconciled after being separated off and on for the last year. We separated because my husband had an addiction that he refused to get help for. He is finally clean after being homeless for the last 6 months. We have a 10 month old baby and I decided to make an effort to set up visitation for them, and to see if we still love each other. He wants our marriage to work.
But now he has a baby due with someone else in a few months. I accept the child. He or she is innocent and doesn’t deserve to be blamed. My issue is the “friendship love” he has for the mother. When he first came back home she would call constantly. It upset me so he asked her to stop. My husband wants to be involved with this pregnancy, from Dr appts to getting he food if she needs it. I’M NOT OK WITH THAT! All the while he’s saying his heart is with me. I am skeptical. He doesn’t know for fact this is his child. The mother is married and has 3 other children that the state has taken. So he could possibly get custody of this child. I’m fine with that but I don’t want to deal with her. I’m looking for positive Christ centered feed back. Please, I am praying for a way to handle this. Honestly, I hope the baby isn’t his.
(ZIMBABWE) We have been married for 15 years and my husband has been having affairs for the past 9 years. One was with his cousin’s wife, which lasted for 6 years. The woman confessed to her husband and myself when she realised that my husband was also seeing another woman. His current affair is is with a married woman, a former work mate of his, and they both claim to be “best friends.” But I have seen emails & text messages proving otherwise.
My husband has totally neglected me and my kids. He is hardly at home and does not pick up my calls. He seems to derive pleasure from hurting me. What hurts me most is I love him. Maybe I am clinging onto a marriage that was never meant to be. He can go away for days without informing me and when he returns he expects me to act as if all is normal. When I speak to him he either gives me one word answers or ignores me totally. Maybe it’s time for me to move on.
Dear Dadiso, How my heart breaks for you… so, so sorry that your husband is hurting you this way. I’m not sure if your marriage was ever “meant to be” as you wrote… but I’m certain that your husband’s CHEATING was “never meant to be.” And because of his choices, you will be forced into making some tough decisions.
You can’t MAKE your husband stop cheating. You can’t MAKE him participate in your marriage and be the husband and father he should be. But sooner or later you will have to draw a line in the sand and tell him that if he wants to keep cheating, and if he wants to live the single life where he can come and go and do and say as he pleases, you will not be there for him, at his mercy. He needs to make the choice –either he joins you in your marriage as he vowed to do on your wedding day and joins you in parenting and being a good role model for your children or he makes the choice to release you and do his thing elsewhere. He can’t have both lives. Your heart and your home is not a revolving door to his whims and fancies. It’s not a matter of you deciding to “move on” –he is making that choice for you by his hurtful and dangerous actions.
I pray that God will talk to your husband’s heart and convict him that he is doing wrong on so many levels. And I hope he will make the choice to do what is right –for your sake and your children’s, but also for his. This is a rocky road he is traveling on –one that he will ultimately pay for in horrible ways either on this side of heaven and/or on the other. I pray help and wisdom and discernment and strength and hope for you –hope for a better future either WITH your husband or without. May God guide you as you decide what to do.