Today, lets look at a problem many wives face, which makes it difficult for them to love their husbands. This is the case of a Christian wife who is married to a man who is “passive.” He may even be a passive Christian, who will not provide leadership. Whatever the wife asks, the answer she receives is “It’s up to you,” “Whatever you want,” or “It doesn’t matter to me.” He is often indecisiveness even when “nicely” pressed for an answer. Other times, though he is a Christian, he steadfastly refuses to pray with her or the children or have devotional ties with them.
He does read his Bible and pray, but he does so privately. The husband also fails to lead by avoiding conflict. He either ignores the problem or walks away saying little or nothing. He also fails to lead his children. When he is home and one of the children is disrespectful to him or the mother, he does not reprove or discipline that child. He lets his wife take whatever disciplinary steps seem appropriate to her.
Here is how Insight for Living radio Bible teacher, Chuck Swindoll describes the passive husband. He wrote an article you can find on the internet titled “Passive Men, Wild Women.”
Here’s what Dr Swindoll wrote:
Passive men, wild women. Those words aren’t original with me. They came from [psychologist] Pierre Mornell, who wrote a book that bears that title. The issue that concerned Dr. Mornell is found in Christian marriages just as often as in non-Christian ones.
It’s the problem of the husband who is “inactive, inarticulate, lethargic, and withdrawn at home. In his relationship to his wife he is passive. And his passivity drives her crazy.” He’s not necessarily incompetent and dull. At work he may be extremely successful and articulate. And she’s not necessarily rebellious and overactive. She may be a good mother, talented, and well-respected by her peers.
At home, however, the husband says, in a dozen different ways, “I’m tired… just leave me alone.” She makes requests; he ignores them. She gets louder; he retreats further. She adds pressure; he lapses into sullen silence. Ultimately he withdraws; she goes “wild.”
Application to Biblical Principles
Now wives who are married to husbands like that want to find out how they can apply Paul’s counsel, “Women love your husbands.” They want practical answers.
While I was researching on this topic, I discovered that there is a worse problem than just having a husband who is “passive.” There are husbands who, according to psychologists are “passive-aggressive.”
Let’s look at some of the traits of the passive-aggressive husband. The descriptions I am about to share with you come from different sources from the Internet. A passive-aggressive man won’t have every single one of these traits, but he’ll have many of them.
FOSTERING FRUSTRATION
Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won’t say when, or maybe he’ll do it deliberately slowly, or he’ll do a substandard work, or he won’t comply at all –just to frustrate you.
MASTER MANIPULATOR
The P/A man is a master manipulator. He is a genius when it comes to appearing innocent and only having good intentions. He does this in an attempt to have you believe that he is only acting with your best interest in mind. The P/A is very talented at getting her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. This husband may give into her and clean up his act after a confrontation for several days, but then it’s back to business as usual.
MAKING EXCUSES and LYING
The P/A man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love —to have power over you —the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.
PROCRASTINATION
The P/A man has a careless attitude towards deadlines. He follows his own time schedule and routine, without caring for those who want his work to be done in a different way or at least on time.
SELECTIVE FORGETFULNESS
The P/A man always “forgets” to do something on purpose. Examples of this would be, if the wife asks him to throw out the garbage, or fix a dripping faucet or change the fluorescent lamp. When he fails to do it he simply says, “Oh, honey, I’m sorry, I forgot. The husband uses “forgetfulness” when he wants to avoid an obligation.
CHRONIC LATENESS
One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all P/A traits is his inability to arrive on time.
AMBIGUITY
The P/A man is master of mixed messages. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no. He’ll say one thing and do another. Then he will deny ever saying the first thing. He doesn’t communicate his needs and wishes in a clear way. He often gives double messages and expects his partner to read his mind and meet his needs saying ‘She should have known how it is.’
Listen to this conversation that was taken from the movie, Moonlighting
Woman: Are you upset? It’s ok if you are, I mean, I suppose you have a right to be. I just wish you’d tell me.
Man: I’m not upset.
Woman: It’s really ok if you are. I mean, I absolutely understand.
Man: Again, I’m not upset.
Woman: I would be. I would be very, very…upset. May I ask why?
Man: Uh? Why what?
Woman: Why is it that you’re not upset?
Man: Upset about what?
FEELING VICTIMIZED
The P/A man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reproach, he sets himself up as the apparently helpless. He’s the innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.
SULKING
If you confront him about his behavior he will sulk, pout, withdraw and use silence. Or he will walk completely away leaving you to deal with the problem alone.
DISCONNECT
The P/A man emotionally disconnects. He does this by being very busy with things. He often likes to work on cars or something else that keeps him busy. This man typically loves just watching TV on the couch. He’ll go to work and come back home and be in front of the TV or the computer. Often a wife experiences abandonment. She feels like she’s not even married to him. She feels like she does not even know who her husband is. He’s there but he’s not there.
Please watch this video:
MARRIAGE HELP: Slaying the Silent Knight
Many women want a full partnership where their husbands are at least equally involved. They want an involved husband who will take his turn assuming the responsibility for leadership. When women want this and do not get it they may be resentful and feel very angry. Unless they are watchful, their frustration will be shown in a litany of criticism, which belittles and demeans their husbands. Increasing frustration may lead her to consciously or unconsciously train her sons to “not be like their father.” She often forms tight emotional ties with one or more of her children that are not healthy but satisfies emotional needs that are not met in the marriage.
This condition twists the life of the child. Instead of being accepted for himself, he has to grow up demonstrating certain forms of behavior in an attempt to satisfy both parents.
How did this whole pattern come about?
From Nancy Leigh DeMoss,
From her book, Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free:
I know of few subjects that are a greater source of frustration to women than “passive men.” This is not a new struggle. As is true of many issues, it all goes back to the Garden of Eden:
“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food… she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate it.” (Genesis 3:6)
This passage evokes a troubling picture in my mind. The couple is together in the Garden. The Serpent approaches them, ignores the man, and strikes up a conversation with the woman. He is fully aware that God has placed her under the authority of her husband and that both of them are under God’s authority…
God created the man first. He gave him the responsibility to lead and feed those under his care.
At this point, notice what the woman does not do. She does not acknowledge her husband, who is standing by her side. She does not say to the Serpent, “I’d like for you to meet my husband.” The woman does not turn to her husband and ask, “Honey, how do you think we should respond?” or “Adam, why don’t you tell him what God said to you.” She carries on the entire conversation with the Serpent as if her husband were not there.
Taking the Lead
Further, when it comes time to make a choice, she takes matters into her own hands. She does not consult with her husband on the matter. Nor does she ask his input or direction. The woman simply acts. “She took some and ate it.” (Verse 6)
What is Adam doing this whole time? He is doing what a lot of women tell me their husbands do much of the time: Nothing. Adam doesn’t interfere. He doesn’t get involved-except to eat some fruit himself when his wife gives it to him. All of a sudden, we have the first role reversal.
God created the man first. He gave him the responsibility to lead and feed those under his care. The woman, created from the man, was made to be a receiver. She was to respond to the initiative of her husband. Even the physiological differences between men and women express this fundamental difference.
But who is leading and feeding in this account? Not the man, but the woman. Who is responding? Not the woman, but the man. Something is wrong with this picture. And ever since, the same thing has been wrong with the sons and daughters of this first couple. That role reversal became the pattern for the way fallen men and women relate to each other.
That is the reason why we have Passive Men and Wild Women.
So let’s go back to Paul’s counsel: “Young women, love your husbands.”
How do women love passive-aggressive husbands?
1. First, understand passive-aggression.
You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening.
2. Be honest about your own shortcomings.
To put it more biblically, “Get the log out of your own eye first. Only then will you be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your husband’s eye.“
We’re told in Matthew 7:1-5 ESV “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.“
Here is another insight from Nancy Leigh DeMoss, quoted from her book, Lies Women Believe.
She wrote:
As was true with Adam and Eve in the Garden, our instinct is to blame the other party for this problem. As women, we are quick to fault men for being passive. We insist that if they weren’t so inactive —if they would just do something, we would not take matters into our own hands.
But as I have watched men and women interact and have evaluated the effect of my own reactions, I can’t help but wonder to what extent we women have de-motivated and emasculated the men around us. We quickly take the reins rather than waiting on the Lord to move men to action. We can so easily trip men of the motivation to rise to the challenge and provide the necessary leadership. To make matters worse, when they do take action, women, they look to for encouragement and affirmation, correct them or tell them how they could have done it better.
We simply can’t have our cake and eat it, too. We can’t insist on running the show and then expect men to be proactive, take the initiative, and be “spiritual leaders.”
3. Wait on the Lord!
Again listen to the wisdom of Nancy Leigh DeMoss from her book, Lies Women Believe.
At times, I have asked women who are frustrated by the inactivity of their husbands, “What would happen if you didn’t jump in to handle the situation?” You think you have to go to work because he won’t get a job? If he gets hungry, he will probably work! You feel you have to take charge of the finances because he is irresponsible with money? He may go bankrupt. But that may be exactly what it takes for God to get his attention and change his character. You must be willing to let him fail-believing that ultimately, your security is not in your husband but in a sovereign God who is not going to fail you…
What can free us from the drive to control the men in our lives? We must learn to wait on the Lord; in His time, and His way. He will act on behalf of those who wait for Him. (Psalms 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!)
4. Pray for him.
Pray that he will take on the role of head of the house the thereby obey God and glorify Him (Ephesians 5:23 ESV: “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.“)
5. If he is a Christian encourage him to develop an even deeper desire for the things of God.
(1 Peter 2:2 ESV: Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up to salvation. | 2 Peter 3:18: But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.). She might want to give, as a gift, a book that is doctrinally sound and has a high view of God. She could also encourage him with testimonies of what God is doing in her life or the lives of others. To the degree that the husband is in the Word of God, his desire for God will grow and he will become a stronger leader.
6. Encourage him to make decisions.
Accept whatever you can during this time of building his confidence about committing himself on small matters. Whenever possible be noncritical of his actions. Try to say, “yes” more often. Even to the crazy silly ideas. You know, the ones that make you want to laugh at him. But please do not laugh at him! If it isn’t really a big deal, just say yes. Try to keep the yes/no ratio around 10:1. Obviously, this will depend on your husband. Let him feel successful and let him make some decisions. Save putting your foot down for the big issues: skydiving with the toddlers, moving to the Arctic Circle.
7. Learn to communicate biblically.
Don’t expect your husband to somehow intuitively know what you want. Instead of expecting him to “just know,” you should communicate your desire in a clear, gentle, godly tone. (Proverbs 16:21 ESV: The wise of heart is called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.)
8. Observe your unrealistic expectations for him to change.
Don’t demand more than he can willingly give. Hire out projects you think he won’t carry through on. Get realistic—try to figure out where he can realistically change and what is set in store for him.
9. Recognize evidences of grace.
All of us do tend to see only the negative. But when we are praying for a person we should see what God is doing in their lives. If we see even small evidences of what God is doing, we should recognize that and express it to your partner.
10. Learn to make an appeal.
If, in spite of clear communication and encouragement in his desire for the things of God, he persists in failing to lead, then you should appeal to him. You should appeal based on the Scriptural mandates to the husband. 1 Corinthians 11:3 says, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.“
You might say, “Honey, I would like to appeal to you to take a more active role in the leadership of our family. We want to come under your leadership and mature as a result. Scripture is clear that you are to lead and we are to follow. I will be glad to do anything I can to help you and make it easier for you. Is there anything I can do differently to help you? Would you think about what I asked?” Give him some time to think about what you said, perhaps a week or so.
11. Seek for help.
If he refuses or nothing changes, then she should again appeal to him. Ask him if it would be all right if they talked to the pastor or a godly man in the church. The purpose of the meeting would be to seek help for both of them. It would be to learn how to carry out the roles that God intended. She should give him time to think about what she has asked. If he still refuses or nothing changes, then she could consider going to the pastor to seek guidance. As a rule, it would be wise for her to inform her husband rather than “going behind his back.” She can invite him to come along if he would like.
12. In spite of his negligence, the wife still has a responsibility to show respect and love to her husband.
We’re told in 1 Peter 3:9 ESV: Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.) She can learn to think “kind… tenderhearted… and forgiving” thoughts (Eph 5:32) so as not to become embittered. She can strive to persevere in her prayers for him, to delight in her relationship with the Lord, and to glorify God by being a loving companion to her husband as much as he would permit.
In conclusion, she should remind herself often that her obedience to God is not dependent on her husband’s obedience. Her ability to be pleasing to the Lord is not contingent upon her husband’s godliness. Even though her husband won’t lead, she can still be like one of the “holy women of the past who put their hope in God.” (1 Peter 3:5 NIV)
We believe this sermon was given by Pastor Jurem Romos. It was posted on the web site for “Shepherds Call Ministry,” which, unfortunately, is no longer on line.
I’m so thankful to find your website. I’ve been searching for many years for anything that could give me insight into my husband’s most confusing and frustrating actions – never knowing which person I’m going to get on an hour to hour or day to day basis. Living different lives –he’s the most likeable person outside our home –can carry on a conversation with anyone –stranger or not –for hours –do anything for anyone. But behind closed doors I’m lucky to get more than 2 sentences a day, if that, and could wait forever for some participation in any activities or responsibilities of our daily living.
He says he’s going to do things but it just never happens and everything described in the article describes him to a tee. It’s a lonely & confusing life. It’s easy to say to learn to cope with a person like this but it’s another thing to actually live it day after day or year after year. I finally sought out advice to get some clarity & he was terribly upset with me. He’s even more withdrawn now. My plan is to just try to get help to improve my understanding by educating myself on how to cope with this so I can live a less stressful life.
Thank you for this article. I am desperately seeking help. Practical help. As a Christian I have struggled in this relationship for many years, almost since the beginning. I just cried out to my mother this week asking for help in expressing love and learning to love all over again after being hurt. I desire a Godly marriage and want peace in our home again. My prayers this week have consisted of knowing, not in theory, practical biblical steps to take to start to move forward. This article has helped me a lot. Thank you.
I pray you find the information you need and then apply the difficult effort it will take to apply the advice you need.
Hi, I can share some practical advice that I have received from my Christian counselor recently. Know that it isn’t easy to put into practice due to the frustration of it all and it may appear to not change anything at all in the relationship. But the key is that we as women can move on with our lives and can learn to love our husbands and be the women God wants us to be, regardless of the choices of our husbands. Speak the truth but do it in love.
My husband will sometimes agree to do something with me only to later be angry claiming that I “made him” do it and he did not want to take part in it. The advice my counselor gave me was to tell him, “the truth is you chose to do it and you’re choosing to not take responsibility for your own actions.” OR “Wow, I guess you’re not very honest with yourself.” Another thing my husband will do is sit down to dinner and withdraw from me and give me the silent treatment. The advice I got for that is to say something along these lines, “Would you like to eat dinner alone tonight? Would that be better?” But the key is never in a smart aleck way but always loving. It can’t be about winning or shaming our spouse… simply speaking the truth in love.
In case you’re wondering, NO! I have not mastered this!!! YES! I often feel intimidated at my husband’s actions! It’s not an easy life. The assurance that Jesus sees, knows and cares and that I can get my unmet needs met through His love is of great comfort. I hope this helped.
I’m so sorry you’re in a place where you’re forced to deal with this issue. I’m also and it is not easy by any means. And you’re right to say it’s a lonely life. One of the things that makes it so lonely for me is very few people know this side of him exists. My fear is if I tried to share with anyone (such as my Pastor) they would never believe me. One of the hardest things for me in dealing with this is never knowing when he will “turn” on me.
I’m currently seeing a Christian counselor who is helping me work through all the frustration of this. I’ve also begun to pray for my husband. Nothing has changed in the way he treats me, but the more I pray for my husband and for the ability to love him, the closer I feel to Jesus. Remember, ALL things are possible with God. Never give up hope that God can change your husband.
Trudi, you’re right, many times others don’t see this in a passive aggressive spouse. I’m glad you’re seeing a Christian counselor… I hope he or she is a marriage-friendly one.
I wish I had a lot to share to help you with this… I’m trusting God and your counselor can, but I want to encourage you to pray some more about telling your pastor (or his wife) in private confidentiality. You won’t be announcing this to the church, but I believe it could be good to have someone in your church know the things you said here –that people don’t see that side of him and yet it exists. If ever you need help –if he makes a “turn” as you say, and you need help in some way that right now you don’t foresee, but it could be, it would be good not to have to give a history lesson all at once, at the time. It’s good to let your pastor know so he can pray for you and join you in praying for your husband. It’s just a thought. I pray for you and for others here dealing with this situation that you will gain wisdom as you lean into Him, and will experience a “very present help in a time of need” as God helps you.
Thank you Cindy, you made some good points and I will consider it and pray about it. Yes, my counselor is marriage friendly and my husband did go to a handful of sessions. However, he wasn’t able to handle being challenged to change anything in his behavior and stopped going saying the counselor was picking on him and didn’t like him. Thank you for your prayers for those of us dealing with this issue.
And once again in the Christian community the woman is given ‘ideas’ of how to ‘help’ her poor husband. Maybe if she acts this way then he will act this way….most people call that manipulation. You can not ‘nice’ a person who is passive aggressive to change. Sometimes you can ‘love’ someone who is incapable of returning that sentiment…like a passive aggressive for example! We will each stand before God and answer for what we have done or what we have not done. I will not stand and answer for what my husband has done or not done, I won’t make him less guilty by tip-toeing around so I don’t set him off. This behavior is wrong no matter how you ‘treat’ it and to expect a woman to play this game in her marriage is outrageous, he is not going to be emotionally connected to you because you play his game. A tiger does not change his stripes!
I agree with Kim in the above comment. Placing the responsibility solely on women to manage their husbands issues and personal stories is reckless. Relationships consist of two people, and two people need to take responsibility. It is not the woman’s responsibility alone to bear the entire relationship and manage it, including passive hostile attacks by her husband. It will bury her self-esteem, make her feel as if she is at fault, and the relationship will never be in a winning position as she will always be playing defense and offense to protect herself and her children.
Furthermore, as most passive aggressive husbands also tend to be narcissistic, it means they don’t nurture their wives. Expecting a woman to manage and take responsibility for his issues, as well as the family, will leave her unable to nurture and care for herself.
Swiss, I was just beginning to ask how long can someone do this? How long can someone not be themselves and live a half life with a passive aggressive husband? I’m just now discovering the name for the personal bondage I’ve been in for 15 years called marriage. I’m heartbroken, lonely, frustrated, tired, and angry. I feel like I’ve given my husband all the things a wife should only to receive this type of abuse in return. It’s abuse to lie, make empty promises, withhold affection, be unsupportive, and leave all the responsibilities on the wife. What happened to being equally yoked? When is enough enough?
Pray that God in his mercy will give me the peace I so desire, restoring my hope and the strength to endure until it comes.
You’re right. Ie is responsible for his own bad behavior. It’s really not your fault that he acts like a jerk sometimes. With that said, the point of this article is to help you assume your power. When we react in anger and frustration we’re not acting from a position of power. In fact, this is when we lose our control. You’re right; you probably can’t change your husband’s behavior, and expecting someone to change is not necessarily the way we want to deal with marriage, but your husband can be transformed by learning from you as a role model. He can learn that it’s safe to deal with certain things, and most importantly he can be transformed by Christ if you pray and seek counseling with a minister, priest, or deacon.
Remember, your husband’s behavior is simply because he is very deeply wounded by something in his past, maybe something in his upbringing. Passive aggressive people don’t feel it’s safe to connect and they are afraid of intimacy. You have to learn how to love your husband the way he needs to be loved before he can ever do the same for you. This is where real love comes into play. This is the true Christian love in service and sacrifice.
When we took our marriage vows, this applies. You are never to blame for your husband’s bad behavior, but whether it’s a woman with a passive aggressive man, or a man with a passive aggressive woman, the other spouse can take the lead in transforming the marriage with good counseling. Also look up what’s called the Four Horsemen of marriage. Has some good things about what not to do in that model.
My p/a husband has been my full-time career for 14 years, but his aggressiveness came to a head when he slapped me for crying with pain saying I was hysterical. I’ve lived with my daughter and her family ever since, and he has not contacted me once. I have written to him twice, but he doesn’t want me back. What am I supposed to do? I would appreciate some insight, please. Thanks, Hannah
Seek good church based counseling for yourself. I think you did the right thing by making sure you are in a safe place. I’m not a counselor, yet I am touched by your honest post. I’ll say a prayer for you. Staying safe is the right thing to do.
I am in total agreement with Kim from the US. I am in the process of separation and divorce from my passive aggressive narcissistic husband. I have been attending private counseling for a year taking care of myself. I know my husband’s life story and know his disorder is rooted in his early childhood. His unhealthy behavior has caused terrible pain hurt and upheaval to my family and myself. In general these people cannot take any responsibility for much of anything as they lack personal insight into their deep rooted problems. It is just too scary for them to go there. In order to stay in a marriage with this person I would most likely morph into a PA aggressive myself. I have personal faith and while I have seen examples of caring loving advice on Christian websites I don’t think they “get” how terrible it is to live day in and day out with the passive aggressive disordered person.
I share some of your pain and understand how difficult it is to live with a passive aggressive person. I also know that counseling is good but it’s important to invite your husband. Prayer also works. It is my belief like many other psychologists that no marriage has to end up in divorce. If your husband is not physically abusing you, I believe healing can take place. For most people their husbands really do love them, but we have in our minds that they don’t because of the lack of connection. What I learned from this article, and learn from others is that there are four horsemen so to speak, that will destroy a marriage. One of them is threatening to leave the marriage. Have a look at some of the others.
Your husband’s bad behavior is never your fault. But as husband and wife we do a dance, so to speak, that perpetuates the problem. What I’ve learned from this article is that there is hope, and sometimes the spouse who was not passive aggressive needs to take the lead to transform the marriage. The best way I think is through prayer, counseling, and changing the way the non passive aggressive spouse interprets the bad behavior.
Another good thing to do is to look at your house everyday and seriously consider them. Remember that all of us, good and bad, are children of God, and that there are good habits that can be created in the troubled marriage. I think the article mentioned that unhappy couples argue just as much as happy couples do. Best of luck.
Patricia I cannot start to describe the covert abuse I’ve experienced with my husband. He has ticked all the boxes of a passive aggressive disordered personality. Invite him to attend therapy? He attended 2 times years ago after I uncovered his infidelity. When the therapist confronted his behavior that was it. He refused to go back and the therapist became a “stupid person” lol.
To Patricia, to say that “if your husband is not physically abusing you” implies that emotional and mental abuse is to be tolerated in the name of the Lord. Please be careful discounting what goes on behind closed doors. Even though you do say what the husband does is not our responsibility, you don’t seem to understand the extreme damage that can be done. It’s time the church stops telling wives to always be Godly and just accept ungodly treatment or that if the wife does this or that, maybe he will eventually treat you better.
If the husband is aggressive, cold, dismissive and other ungodly behaviors, the focus has to be on holding them accountable. A person who is assaulted or raped is not responsible for the bad man’s behavior. But the behavior hurts and destroys the one assaulted. Why doesn’t the church focus on telling the bad man to stop his bad behavior?
I’ve been married to a passive aggressive man for 15 years. I’ve recently realized who he is. I’ve always known it’s not just me, we sometimes play off of each other in the drama.
This article has been so helpful. We’ve seen counselors, most of whom were not helpful nor marriage friendly. We were very lucky to find a deacon at a local church who has been counseling couples for over 30 years. It has been helpful. I’m not ready or willing to throw in the towel. I know Christ can transform and work through me. My husband needs to do his part, but my former strategy just want working. I needed to assume my place if power. It comes with patience, compassion, and calmness. My faith in Christ also helps. I need Him with me. It works.
Thanks for the article. I know I’m not alone. Good advice. My husband gets an A++ for passive aggressive. He’s a master at it. …I see changes already.
I’m so glad you are finding help via this article. I pray the Lord keeps sending wisdom your way to help in the ways it is most needed. Passive Aggressive behavior is SO frustrating because most often, the passive aggressor doesn’t see that they approach matters in ways that are frustrating to their spouse. It’s all the other spouse’s “fault.” I pray the Lord will send “ah ha moments” his way so there is more of a possibility that he will wake up and start making changes. That is what happened with my husband years ago. Thank God! But each person makes their own choices… hopefully he will eventually start making wiser ones, as it pertains to your relationship.
Thank you also for encouraging others. You know all too well the pain and confusion they are experiencing. Your gracious, encouraging words are helpful, I’m sure. God bless!
Christine from United States: Thank you for this posting. I am just beginning to recognize this in a person in my home. It is insanely difficult to deal with. Whenever I ask “do you care if I go do this” or, “do you think we should buy this” the answer is usually that it’s “fine” but the shoulders shrug and he then pouts. So clearly he isn’t willing to give the answer he wants to give. But I’ve come to realize that by doing this, he can complain about it later. There is a phrase about voting: “Those who don’t vote can’t complain.” I think this applies at the home too.
When we are asking for someone’s opinion, and they pretty much just say “do whatever you want,” then they cannot complain later when something doesn’t go well. If they aren’t willing to be honest in their opinions, then they can enjoy watching things go south, and they will have, in their mind, an excuse to pout and sulk. It is very frustrating.
Thank you for your helpful and constructive comments. I will take your advice and pray for our marriage right now.
After 22 years of this, I don’t have the strength anymore.
I think that is exactly what worries me. How long do I need to stay and deal with this behavior? It is a very difficult thing to consider.
Stacy, This is very difficult for anyone else to give you an answer to that question. You promised forever in your wedding vow, but sometimes lines need to be drawn or a person can go crazy. I’m thinking of the book and the concept behind the book, Love Must Be Tough. Pray, read and glean, pray, seek godly counsel from a marriage friendly mentor or counselor, pray some more, and work through with God what you can and should do. Sometimes you need to apply tough love into situations that are unacceptable. I’m praying that God will show you how and when to do that.
This is a very helpful article overall. The problem of how to love and live with a p/a person is damaging, confusing, and hurtful in the extreme. Perhaps the worst part is the confusion and the recurring accusation that it is always the other spouse’s fault, inconsideration or demands that are causing a problem.
There is one area of the article, however with which one must disagree; not about Adam behaving passively, but about this claim: ‘fully aware that God has placed her under the authority of her husband and that both of them are under God’s authority’… In truth and in fact, God spoke to Adam and Eve -together – both were present and both were spoken to here before sin was xommitted, and gave to THEM (my emphasis) authority over creation.’ To Them. The rulership idea of man over woman to which you make reference came AFTER the FALL, as part of the sad situation created by the disobedience and healed by the saving, healing gift of Jesus Christ, the ‘second Adam, as part of his gift to us in the body of Christ, that there is ‘no more, man or woman, Jew nor Greek, etc…. but all are one in Christ Jesus.
…
Victim blaming plain and simple. What a crock. The stuff about PA is right on, but the circuitous “logic” by which everything becomes the woman’s fault and responsibility to fix or endure is just one more of gazillions of ways patriarchy blames Eve and all her daughters for what’s wrong with the world, for what’s wrong with bad husbands and bad marriages. Why I consider myself a follower of Christ but have no desire to participate in the patriarchal institutions that call themselves Christian churches.
And as I would typically agree with you, I’ve come to realize, through prayer, God makes no mistakes. What occurred with Adam and Eve was no mistake. If God created the world and knows the beginning, middle and the end, why would he allow this to occur? Understand, the reasoning for God’s omniscience. This occurred in order for God’s rightful dominion and hierarchy to remain in place. God knew that man in it’s own intellect would one day try to outsmart God. God knew that man (woman) would try to replace God and His wisdom. Hence with the God-made serpent, eating from the tree, it was made aware, that man is man and God is God.
The problem that we all face with this revelation is two-fold. Men are now full of shame and guilt and have loss their power as Men of God-it is reflective everywhere -homosexuality, incarceration, addiction, fatherless homes, divorce etc. And women are desperately trying to place man in his rightful position -hence most women are in church praying for fathers, husbands, brothers and sons. We as women need to join in prayer to break the chain of shame and guilt and help our husbands regain their rightful positions as Man of God. Help them to know their were no mistakes and he didn’t do anything wrong. Remind him that God is God and he intended for man to know God from a truly hierarchical omnipresence. What we see instead is him running and hiding from the responsibility.
Women join in prayer that our husbands will return to God this year-in flocks and reclaiming the throne they never lost. And in regards to this article, I am a wife of PA of 20 years and I know that according to this, I have not been good in helping my husband know that he has not lost his birthright. Instead I push him further in to sin by blaming him for being the sinful man he is -full of lies and deceit. But we need to do the opposite. Please pray that we as women can sustain the pain that our men feel and do the opposite. We are strong in the Lord to help them know they are men of God and they have not lost their birthright. We can do it ladies.
Praise the Lord. I have been suffering for the past 14 years with a passive aggressive husband. But by HIS grace I got the solution on how to deal with him through the word of God. Thank you so very much sir, for your message. Regards.
Thank you very much for this relief you offer in this article. I have been in pain for months since I made the decision to divorce my PA husband. But I still do love him after a 20 years marriage; he has many qualities, except his PA dysfunction which made me suffer a lot. Understanding his problem, realizing that he can’t help being like that has helped me in going on loving him, and most of all, in showing him my love. Surprisingly, he has stopped to be in war against me. It is like if taking him in my arms, hugging him, kissing him, being patient and kind with him would have stopped his resentment. I imagine that his brain does not see me as the abusive adult he had to fight against as a child. Thank you again for all your publications that gave me the knowledge and the strength to save my marriage.
I was so relieved to find an article that explained so clearly what I live and deal with on a daily basis …all the way up to the point that women were blamed for it any way and told how to play nice no matter how badly her husband treats her. I am heart broken once again. God’s word does not say that women are held to a higher standard than men, only people say that. You broke my heart in the end.
Kimberly, I’m so sorry that you thought you found some relief, only to feel betrayed. We truly don’t want to do that. As I read this article, I don’t see what you see about women being held to a higher standard than men. Yes, they are held to a high standard; but so are men. And I don’t see how women are blamed for a man’s sin. Please point out the verbiage that led to these thoughts. We truly don’t want to break your heart or anyone’s. We want to see what you see and figure out from there if we may have worded this wrong, or what. Again… we’re truly sorry.
These are the words that cut through my heart and betrayed the pain and anguish of what I deal with on a daily basis and have dealt with for over 30 years, despite the counseling and despite the sermons.You nailed exactly what I deal with daily, and then said all of this:
• The woman does not turn to her husband…She carries on the entire conversation with the Serpent as if her husband were not there. (woman do it to themselves)
• She takes matters into her own hands. She does not consult with her husband on the matter. Nor does she ask his input or direction. (woman’s fault from the get go)
• Get the log out of your own eye first. Only then will you be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your husband’s eye.“ ( I obviously have a bigger problem than he does)
• As women, we are quick to fault men for being passive (blaming women)
• we women have de-motivated and emasculated the men (blaming women)
• We quickly take the reins rather than waiting (it’s not him abdicating authority, it’s me taking the reins)
• We can so easily [s]trip men of the motivation to rise to the challenge and provide the necessary leadership (women make them this way)
• when they do take action, women, …correct them or tell them how they could have done it better. (seriously? Women who are trying to ‘love their passive aggressive husbands’ are guilty of this too? )
• We can’t insist on running the show and then expect men to be proactive, (oh right, this is all about me insisting on running the show, not him ABDICATING HIS RESPONSIBILITIES)
• You must be willing to let him fail…… but then… Hire out projects you think he won’t carry through on. (which is it? Let him fail and you fail with him, or do that which he won’t?)
• Whenever possible be noncritical of his actions. Try to say, “yes” more often. (RIGHT, I’m not nice enough)
• Don’t demand more than he can willingly give (HELLO??? THIS IS THE PROBLEM>>>HE IS UNWILLING TO GIVE!!!)
• Ask him, Is there anything I can do differently to help you? (I must be the thorn in his side, presumably just not kind enough)
• She can learn to think “kind… tenderhearted… and forgiving” thoughts (I need to be nicer to him because staying with him and trying to figure this out and putting up with it for 30 years isn’t sufficient)
God’s word is clear that when you are in a position of leadership you will be held accountable to a higher standard. Men are in that position of leadership in families…yet you lay it at the women’s feet. Poor, poor men, they have it so rough, and we just bring it on ourselves.
Hi Kimberly, Again, I am so sorry that what is written in this article brought you pain. This is never our attention. I honestly and prayerfully read through the article, praying about any changes that can or should be made. I even considered pulling it. I honestly and prayerfully read through your comment here and again, looked through the article, asking God if this article should be pulled. (I can’t reword it because it is not written by me. It is mostly written by a pastor and also gives quotes from Nancy Leigh DeMoss. So it either has to be pulled, or it is to stand as it is.)
I also honestly and prayerfully looked through the other comments that were made after the article to see if the consensus was that this is a misstated and harmful article. Perhaps I was missing something and the article IS harmful, and not helpful. Now, of course, no matter what is written there will ALWAYS be someone who will object to it. That goes with the territory of stating ANY opinion–ours, someone else, or even God’s. It is what it is. But some opinions given can be more harmful than helpful. I wanted to make sure that this article did not fit in that category. And after much prayer, I don’t believe it does.
Truly, Kimberly, we do not want to hurt you or anyone. But I see a few dynamics going on here that may help in all of this. The first is… we ALWAYS try to let people know that whatever article they read, unless it is straight from the Bible with no add-ons, the reader should glean through it. Here is a link to a blog we wrote on this issue: https://marriagemissions.com/applying-gleaning-principle-human-advisers/. Please read it. It explains that very concept. You should never read an article written by a human being and look at is as all-knowing, nor all-applying. Pray, read, glean, and apply what is truth and what will work. You know the dynamics of your relationship of your marriage better than I can, or the authors can. If you are doing what you know you should do, don’t read into anyone else’s opinion that you aren’t. You and God know this better than anyone else around.
Remember, this article is written in a generic way. Some wives who read it AREN’T doing what they should. After all, who in this world DOES do everything they should? I certainly don’t do everything I should. So sometimes I come upon advice, look at it and start to bristle. But if I am honest, I will apply the Psalm 139:23-24 principle: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” If I am doing what I shouldn’t, then I need to take the advice to heart. If I am doing what I should, then I need to walk away. The advice may be there for someone else–not me. I shouldn’t take on advice that is not meant for me. God knows if it is or not, and will let me know if I am looking at that advice with an open heart. Move on if it isn’t meant for you.
Perhaps the following article would be something that you would find more helpful: https://marriagemissions.com/passive-aggressive-spouse/. But again, prayerfully read, glean, and apply that, which will apply to your situation. Also, sometimes I read an article and some of it does not apply, but God speaks through it in other ways to help me. Please do that.
Kimberly, we do the best we can with what we can find. We actually need to have an article that addresses passive aggressive wives, because there are many of them too. I know of at least one, and there may be more that I am just not seeing. So it can go in different directions. But I haven’t found a well-written article on that issue. So we don’t have one posted. Some women have it “rough” and some men have it “rough” … that is part of what happens in a lot of marriages. Sometimes something innocent can appear to be guilty, and sometimes something guilty can appear to look innocent. It is part of the “mystery” of marriage that the Bible talks about. But we all need to do the best we can.
I hope this helps in some way Kimberly. Again, I am so, so sorry for adding to your pain. We truly don’t want to do that. Please dismiss this article if it doesn’t have anything in it for you, and move on. We pray that it will help those who do need some of the advice this pastor gives. I pray the best for you.
You are kind to take so much time to respond to me. I did find the descriptions of what a passive-aggressive husband does extremely helpful because it nailed it on the head, it put a name to what I see & experience. Love just hasn’t won here. Please don’t pull it. It has good information. Maybe it’s not that it broke my heart, but simply that it didn’t work for me …and that breaks my heart.
I’m so sorry for your pain and sadness. I can well understand why you would feel that way. I pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. God bless.
I happened to hear something like this on the radio and it so happens also that my husband and I are not on good terms. I immediately googled it and had a good read! I didn’t realize that my husband might be a PA and I did everything I could just so he’ll lead our family. I was constantly frustrated, bitter, angry, critical while he disconnected himself from us. I took matters in my own hands until I finally realized that I can’t control or change him. It took me many tears and heartaches to finally let go and let God take over. Change doesn’t happen overnight but miracles do. I’m praying for me, for him, for us, for our family.
Honey, will you just whack that serpent on the nose or must I lob the apple at him first? Aw come on. Its not that hard, you are a good shot, and you will be so glad afterwards and save a whole heap of trouble further down the road! In fact this may well be a problem with women married to men of partially jewish lineage, persecution in the past, rejection, emotionally dominant mother. It seems God shows more grace than we can hope for as the Marriage Covenant and His Creation is so precious to him and the raising of Godly children. Other issues are being premature.
It seems a wise woman must learn to handle male anger whoever she is married to with great wisdom. I found these comments helpful, but it requires much wisdom, and prayer, not a few tears and throwing things in the garden! Yes honest, and trusting God at every step We marry one another baggage and all, and I would say do not underestimate the wounded child in the highly competent man, which is bewildering, because they dont see obvious social interaction problems. We prayed for healing for others not understanding that the enemy attacks our own un-healed wounds, and in the end we went on a course over 3 years that clarified faulty teaching…say sorry first, do not made huge excuses!
Because these are childhood wounds and not addictive behaviour through rebellion and having renounced all known generational iniquity, on both side of the family, I would say The Lord does more than we can hope or ask, and shows patience and grace beyond any human parent, and doing tasks together we generally work quite well. If a woman asks the Lord to instruct her husband she is more likely to be able to respect and have peace for the right reasons, on things like timing, and meetings. I would not have damaged my children by going off, and being nicely dressed has helped when I have been broken inside. + Shalom YOU NEED TO MAKE IT CLEAR YOU NEED WORDS OF COURTESY AND GRATITUDE BECAUSE THEY DO NOT BEHAVE NATURALLY WITH COURTESY AT HOME BUT WILL LEARN. MARRIAGE IS A HIGH AND HOLY CALLING NOT A COFFEE ADVERT and most people have a long term problem of behaviour, or health, or some other issue.
In our case our parents were all young in the war and that affected the rest of their adult lives, they were hurt, disappointed and under appreciated but the Lord gathered them up at the end, no one suffers outside the all seeing eyes of a loving and strengthening Heavenly Father. Once your husband realises that his survival depends on spiritually protecting his home and family he may well start to grip the basics, even repents of what he did before…..more likely to be an administrator or reliable second in command than a leader. Talk up his virtues and remember you are a precious daughter and Princess in the Kingdom, and a Princess learns to behave well even when its tough, she is a warrior bride and every life has its difficult times, You may feel more like yourself in the morning, Write letters of scriptural encouragement and help others as the Lord leads, and as you sow you will reap godly consolation…….A good wife is a blessing from the Lord and in a way these men know that they just need to admit it.
Thank you for this article. While I do not entirely agree with the narrative about Adam and Eve, I recognize the points you were trying to draw out. I’m also grateful to everyone for your comments because you have all said things I have felt at different times. I have been married for 12 years but happily married for a total of 2 years and it hurts! I realized after 6 years of marriage that my husband is a classic PA and coping with his personality has been a journey.
I came across this article after a long conversation with my sister late last night and I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. My sister is worried about me any my marriage and wanted to prevail on me to be “softer” and “win” my husband’s heart. After our conversation, I said to her that I can’t give anymore to my marriage than I am giving because I am completely depleted.
I will give a bit of background. I live alone with 3 children. My husband walked out on our marriage 4 years ago today. He conveniently took a job in our home country (we emigrated after we got married). On the day he left, he told me he was going for an interview and wanted to be separated from me. I was grateful for his honesty but not surprised because 2 years before that I recognized his behaviour for what it was–Passive Aggression and I had called him out on it.
I had put into practice most of the advice in this article (although I had not read it at that time). I had stopped reacting and instead was responding. I would directly ask for things if I needed his help; I had stopped taking decisions or doing things for him that he should be doing. In other words, I had stopped playing his game and he wasn’t happy, so he took it up a notch. He moved back home called everyone to say he had this new job and gave a well rehearsed speech but when asked about me and the kids he’d change the topic or end the conversation. He eventually changed his number so no one could reach him. I couldn’t get through to him neither could family who would then call me asking about his whereabouts.
I got blamed for his behaviour. I was accused of not being submissive enough not being loving enough, being stubborn, difficult and calculating. You can imagine what that does to anyone. I could not reach out to any because they’d listen and conclude that I wasn’t trying hard enough so I drew into myself and suffered a breakdown. The breakdown was my turning point and after weeks of counseling I was strong enough to decide to do what was best for me. I decided not to end my marriage, not because I couldn’t (I had the perfect opportunity to quit), but because I wanted to fight for what I had given so much to. Eventually things settled we had our 3rd baby and things were rosy for a bit but fast forward to now and I’m typing this.
I have accepted that he won’t change. I still pray about it, but I am resolved to live a full life. I have my moments when I question God and this is one of those moments. I feel cheated, feel deprived, feel lied to. My husband and I are both Christians. We both came to know God in our youth and were active in our different churches. We got married as believers and started off as a loving Christian couple but sadly nothing about our marriage now reflects Christ and it hurts.
I used to be active in our local church but have stopped going. I find it overwhelming going to church alone with all 3 kids and pretending to be the loving supportive wife to an absent, distant husband. But then I see the impact not having regular fellowship has on me, I see my faith dwindling, I am struggling to pray and read my Bible. I try to participate in online services but it is not the same.
I started out writing this comment to make a point but now I seem to have just poured out my heart, do forgive me if this is not very coherent, but I actually feel a lot better and less burdened. :-). I have to get up now and start my day.