This article is not exactly about sex, guys. But in reality you do get more sex by loving your wife more by making her feel cherished. This is all about how to improve your marriage romantically, and to be the man of her dreams.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (See: Ephesians 5:33.) We are commanded to love our wives.
Also note here that our wives are supposed to respect us, but it does not say that we are to make her. We can control ourselves, but we can’t control our wives.
Be a Man of God.
One of the best things that you can do it to become more like Jesus. If you have never accepted Jesus as your savior, now is a great time. If you don’t go to church every week, start going. Perhaps you do go to church, but don’t read your Bible on a regular basis, then start reading a few days a week.
One of the best ideas is to have quiet time with God every day. Most people prefer the mornings. Guys, you are the spiritual leader of your house. Your wife wants you to lead. Don’t let her down. Start having a family devotion time every day. What works for me is that my wife and I get up early every weekday and spend some time reading sitting next to each other and reading our bibles or a devotion book over coffee. We do not read the same thing, but we read and pray separately.
Eliminate Major Sin.
Hopefully most people reading this can skip this section entirely. But, if you have a major recurring sin in your life, it will kill your marriage. Things like adultery and addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or pornography are major obstacles that need to be overcome. If you are truly blessed with a wonderful woman, then she may stick it out with you, but I guarantee you that you will destroy her little by little. If this describes you, then seek help first from your local church. Your pastor should either be able to help you or direct you to resources where you can get help.
Another wonderful resource is New Life Ministries. They can hook you up with counseling, workshops, and a library of wonderful books. They also have a daily call-in radio talk show which you can also listen to over the internet. For those struggling with sexual purity (and that, more or less, describes all of us), they have a book called Every Man’s Battle
Be an Awesome Father.
Another way to really turn your wife’s knees to Jello is to be an awesome father. There are plenty of resources to help with this, including the Focus on your Child section of Focus on the Family. I would love to give you some wonderful advice on this, but I struggle with this one myself. Sometimes I get too grumpy with my young children. I’m giving it my all though, and my wife appreciates the effort.
Read a Relationship Book.
The marriage relationship is so important to women. Be each others recreational companions. Yes, by all means, take your wife shooting, fishing, or hiking. But then pay her back by watching a romantic movie, talking about your feelings, or listening intently to her dreams. One surefire way to score brownie points is to offer read a relationship book together.
We have several relationship books available through our store, but I just wanted to point out one. The 5 Love Languages
If you bring your wife candy and flowers, but she would rather spend time with you and take a walk in the park, then you are wasting your time and money. This book is all about figuring out what your wife really wants. If you read only one relationship book, read this one.
Another book to pick up is Every Man’s Marriage
Get Dishpan Hands.
Some women think that the sexiest thing on a man is dishpan hands so, dive in and offer to do some extra household chores for your wife. Some women may appreciate this more than others (as explained in “Five Love Languages”). Or, you could fix all of the little things that keep on breaking around the house.
Give her a Massage.
Some women love to have a nice massage. I am not talking about the sexual kind of massage here. I am talking about a deep massage of the back, shoulders, neck, hands, and feet. Keep your hand off of anything that would be covered by a bikini. Of course, if she wants to make love afterwards, great! But let it be her idea.
Watch a “Chick Flick.”
Watch a “chick flick” with your wife. Ask her to choose. If you watch one of these movies with your and actually put effort into enjoying it, your wife will appreciate it. Just brew an extra pot of coffee to keep yourself awake.
Give her Flowers and Candy.
Yeah, it sound trite, but some women really love these tokens of affection. It shows you were thinking about them when you were apart from each other. Take time to know her likes and dislikes and put work into a gift that really shows you thought about it.
Listen to Her.
Talk to your wife. Spend time together talking. Listening does not just mean listening to her words. It means valuing her opinions and letting her express herself. I did that, and now my wife runs a business selling romantic supplies and sex toys.
Respect Her.
After you listen, what do you do with the information? You should always think about how your wife would feel about what you are doing. I made the mistake once of not considering how my wife would feel on a big decision. I once fell in love with a baby ball python at a pet store. After seeing it, I brought this beautiful creature home, and my wife was horrified. Well, I eventually had to get rid of the snake, and my wife’s feelings were hurt. If you ever find yourself thinking “it’s better to seek forgiveness than ask permission,” then you are likely heading for trouble.
Be her Best Friend.
Finally, your wife should be your best friend. If you spend more time with your TV, your boat, or your deer stand than you do with your wife, then you should re-think your priorities. All of that other stuff is fun, but time with your wife is both fun and fulfilling
This article was written by K.H. and was formerly featured on the web site, CovenantSpice.com. Their web site is dedicated to strengthening marriages and increasing playfulness and intimacy in your sex life. They believe God created marriage to be a lifelong passionate romance. They have every marital aid you need to keep the sparks flying in and out of the bedroom, and are one of the only Christian Intimacy sites where “No Nudity” means just that!
Filed under: Romantic Ideas
(USA) For years (like 6 years) I strived to be the most romantic husband that I had ever even heard about,at least in the circles that we ran in. (I’m sure I wasn’t the "most"- there’s always someone better) But I tried really hard. (Flowers, cards, dates, plays, musicals, back rubs that went no-farther – hundreds of these to the point of tendinitis literally, listening, playing board games, candlelight dinners, bike riding, notes in her car, hidden presents, poetry, songs etc.) I truly felt, and still feel that we are best friends.
However, for her, none of this translated to the bedroom. None of it. We never had that "Newlywed Time" that you hear so much about. Skipped right passed that to the Once a month phase right after the honeymoon. Some wives it seems, don’t respond to romance the way is hinted at in the article. It’s not connected somehow. It is for me. For me, romance ultimately leads to extreme frustration because I cannot divorce romance from attraction, excitement and arousal. When I spend time with my wife, I’m attracted and excited by her. Of course I am! How could I not be?
I kind of gave up after 6 yrs., not completely of course, but more as a means of keeping my frustration in check. (If I’m desperately hungry but have no money, I really DON’T want to walk by a bakery and smell the bread baking. Its self-torture.)
It actually seems to me, (closer to 2 decades now) that the more romantic I get, the LESS luck I have. She desires me the most when I pull away from her for a long time. Then she notices. I’m not advocating this by any means but it’s just a fact. When I’m rebuffed continuously for weeks, the frustration builds and I wont approach her for a couple weeks either. But to do that, I shut off the romance too. I don’t know how to be romantic without being aroused by my wife. I can’t do it – I’m extremely attracted to my wife. I LOVE my wife. I "know" she loves me too. I actually even believe that. I really do. I know it, but I don’t usually feel it. Somehow for her, it just doesn’t translate into desire. She says she desires me but I think we have different definitions for the word.
Romance is fun. I love being romantic with my wife. I really do and she loves it too, but for me it leads to more acute desire/arousal etc. For her, it just leads to warm fuzzies, nothing more. On V-Day, after a nice day, dinner, flowers candy, movie etc, walking hand in hand etc and a she’ll even say "That was a "perfect" day!" Then jammies and sleep. While I stare at the ceiling till 4am. : )
I guess I grew frustrated reading the article, because part of the premise was that husbands will get more of what "they want" if they are more romantic with their wives. I actually believe that to probably be true for most people, but it can also lead extreme frustration for some. I still romance my wife because I love her, albeit not to the level that I once did, but there can be a heavy price to pay.
(U.S) Awww that is so sweet. I hope to find a husband and considerate and patient as you seem to be. I think you need to find out what your wife’s love language is and/or at least ask her why she avoids being intimate with you. It might be a matter of her feeling discomfort during intercourse but doesn’t want to tell you because she doesn’t think there is anything that can be done about it. And with a husband as patient as you are I myself would begin to think that not being intimate more often, isn’t really a problem.
Unfortunately, I’m not the romantic type and ignore my wife’s sexual needs. I don’t listen to what turns her on. I need prayer and so does she.
I feel your pain. Nothing from my husband. Same thing, try everything and no response. Best I get is he gets his in the bedroom and I get left…
It’s been 8 years, 3 months and 5 days, but who’s countig? No physical disability on hers or my part. I’ll be dead before it happens again. Sad part is I still try and hold the frustrations in. It can be very lonesome in a crowded room.
Yep; 10 years for me, give or take. Like you, I will in all eventuality leave this Earth unloved and undesired. Most days I hope it’s sooner rather than later. My only qualms about it is the effect it would have on my daughter; my parents are both gone and I’m estranged from my only sibling so there’s very few who would even notice, much less miss me.
Alan, I am SO sorry for the place you find yourself right now. From the things you’ve shared in the few posts you’e left here on our site over the past couple of weeks it seems that you are having a very difficult time trying to find meaning in your life – without being able to have sex with your wife. I want to encourage you to find a therapist who can help you deal with the loneliness and loss you have experienced. In large part you need to be able to grieve these horrendous losses just like you would a death. Because basically, you have had a death – the death of the dream you had of having a close, loving, sexually fulfilling marriage to your wife. Her choices to cut you off completely has left you in a state of depression.
I can tell you, as well as many other men who come to this topic on our web site, that you need to redirect your energies into something else that will leave you more fulfilled (in a different way). That’s where a good counselor can help you identify what that might look like for you. Because of the nature of your circumstances and the desire to probably remain anonymous as much as possible, I suggest you contact Focus On The Family. They have a counseling center where someone can talk to you and help guide you as to the best place to start to find what you need. They offer one free phone session. You can call and make an appointment at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
I want to assure you that there is “Life Beyond Sex.” And it’s not out of the realm of possibility that God can change your wife’s heart, especially once she realizes that you are not needy and that you can find meaning without sex.
One word of caution: This is not a time to find sexual fulfillment in another place (i.e. porn, affair or prostitute). You need to stay pure and love your wife like Christ loves the church in spite of what she does or doesn’t do. I hope this helps. Blessings! ~Steve Wright
(USA) Dear Landschooner, I’m sorry to hear of your frustrations. At least there is the knowledge of the fact that the two of you love each other, even if it’s not always translating to all areas of marriage. That kind of love is so devoid in a lot of marriages.
I wanted to ask you, is it possible your wife was sexually abused or raped in her past? That is what kept coming to me strongly as I read your post. I have a VERY dear friend (one of my best friends) who was raped when she was quite young and acted the same way as you describe your wife and never even realized it until recently that the rape was what was causing her to go weeks without needing or wanting sex. She and her husband had a talk that ended up landing on their thoughts about sex and that’s when it sort of came out and God opened her eyes to it.
I don’t know if that’s the case with your wife but you definitely need to talk about it, even if you know she hasn’t been violated in her past. It sounds like you both have a respectful enough relationship with one another to be able to discuss things out of care and concern, and that it won’t go sour and get ugly? Not everyone has good communication (dare I say a luxury, as it is in some marriages) so if you have that then it helps to be able to talk about more serious topics and you have a better chance at resolution or some sort of meeting of the minds. If nothing else, perhaps you can just tell her you’d like it once a week or once every other week, even if she doesn’t want to. It might sound methodical but sometimes that’s the compromise that comes with marriage.
The Bible says to render due benevolence – husbands and wives are both supposed to do that. I Corinthians 7:3 Be blessed.
(MALAWI) Amazing, but I am in the same situation with Landy and have a rather frigid wife who says I need deliverance because I desire sex too much; when on average I have it once a month at best! The trouble is I do ask and get rebuffed but have not given up lest I DO give up!
I love my wife and know how much potential for intimacy there is because we used to get at it like rabbits (if that means frequently) before we got married. BUT ever since we got married, THAT flew out thru the window. At first I thought it was because she got pregnant and the hormones just were against any kind of intimacy! So for the first year I went without sex! Sometimes ignorance can be a good thing coz I was patient throughout. But after she got pregnant after the second time we resumed intimacy I was freaked out.
My frustration led me to seek sex elsewhere to ‘ease the tension’ at home as it were. I took the ‘safe’ route of cavorting with a divorcee who was mature enough not to interfere with my normal patterns but welcomed the comfort and friendship of a non-committed lover. This also freaked my mind that I got respect, honor and empathy from someone I felt ‘cold’ towards, rather than from my own love!
All that stopped when I committed my life to Christianity but alas our own sex at home didn’t take off. Its been over ten years since I recommitted to a fully monogamous relationship. Things have not changed and I think I have reached the end of my tether… I am at a loss what to do. Attempts to go for counselling have not helped. She is not happy, I am not happy.
As it turns out, I really have no energy for another relationship; but I also lack the desire to try at my mine. I need help.
(USA) Your wives are not emotionally connected to you. That’s your problem. Women need that before they want sex. My suggestion is to cut way back on the dating, flowers romance and seduction. Resign to the fact that you won’t get laid for months and just get to know her all over again like some hot woman you just met at work. Lots and lots of coversation, get to know her. Start at the top and keep it positive. Go on fun, light, multi-event dates. Go Karts, Comedy clubs, Museum tours.
Don’t do it thinking you are getting laid, just have fun Stop trying to have sex; let that go for a while. Just go somewhere to talk. Start with “what would you do with a million bucks”, or “what’s your favorite thing about being a parent”, whatever. Then over time, work your way into your each other’s secrets. “What’s the most devious thing you’ve done” Make her feel like she knows you, and get her to open up and let you know her. Then re-introduce the romance stuff way later, but back off a bit. You dudes are trying way too hard. Plus, she’s probably sick of all that. Give her time to breathe.
(USA) I am frustrated that my wife is not taking care of herself (eating habits, physical fitness). Plus, I am losing interest in her! She is gaining weight and her body is getting bigger! I tried last year to talk to her about exercise and diet! That made her very mad. I know that was the wrong thing to do! But, do I just let her keep doing this stuff? It just turns me off! Needless to say I am losing my desire to make love with her! Please Help!
(USA) Hi Cliff, I’ve been praying about what to write to you, feeling led to respond to your comment in some way, from a wife’s perspective, and yet knowing that this is a very delicate situation.
First, let me say that I’m by no means an expert in this. You’ll need to pray and consider what I write, as to what God is telling you ABOVE what I may say. What’s difficult in this is that men and women respond to approaches on “areas of concern” VERY differently most of the time, so what you SHOULD do and say will probably feel very foreign to what you will have a tendency to do.
I have to say that this is an area of relationship where women are VERY sensitive and there really isn’t one way to try to approach them. What works for one wife won’t work for another. And lets face it… what’s really important here is praying about what is godly for you, as her husband, in your approach and what works in helping your wife in her individual bent. Something is going on with her, either physically and/or mentally, to cause her to gain weight as you see she is doing.
As a husband, it should concern you MORE about what is troubling her in this area of her life, than how it works on you in your mind. Something is “eating AT” her as much, if not more than what she is eating, which is expanding her body. As God’s colleague in loving your wife, she needs you to love her enough to help her with this weakness. It’s your calling that God gave you as her husband.
Yes, it’s true that men are very visual, so that can’t be dismissed. You long to have an attractive wife, and I understand that, especially when you see so many other women around you looking great. There IS a temptation going on and an impulse to lose your “desire” for your wife, which I read from your comment. But there are times when we have to fight against our impulses and desires, and do the right thing –which will ultimately be best for all, yourself included (although that should not be your first concern here to be the husband God wants you to be). And I believe this is one of those times.
Husbands are told by God in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy… In this same way, husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body.” And in 1 Peter 3: “Husbands in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
I’m sure you want to “feed” your wife less than she is taking into her mouth, but there are other ways of feeding her that might help her to think more of the way she takes care of her body. Praying for her and caring for her and affirming her are a few ways. By doing that, you aren’t condoning the way she is taking care of her body, but you’re helping her to see that you care about her BEYOND her body, which might help her to gain the confidence she needs to work on what’s eating AT her as well as what she’s eating. I know this can be a foreign concept, but hopefully, it will help.
I went onto the internet to try to find other articles that might help you (rather than feed the part of you that says, “yeah, dump her… if she doesn’t care, neither should you, etc…). I found a few things but not much (probably because this is such a tough subject). They’re from different web sites (and I’ll include the links in the titles). One is an article titled “Looks Don’t Matter, Do They?” Another is “My Spouse is Letting Him or Herself Go”.
After reading and viewing what is stated in these articles and clips, I encourage you to pray and possibly talk to a counselor and/or a pastor, to try to see if you can figure out how to best help your wife and your marriage. But do NOT talk to a woman, outside of a counselor’s office or a female relative about this. You need to guard your heart, and this is the way that additional problems can occur, when you “talk” with someone of the opposite sex about something that is wrong with your marriage.
Your wife may have appeared “mad” at you, but actually, she probably targeted you in her negative reaction, but was probably more mad and/or mortified, etc… at herself for “not taking care of herself” like she knows deep inside she should be doing (and wants to do, but something is holding her back). Sometimes as wives (and husbands do it too), we lash out at our spouse, but feel different inside. On the outside we lash out, but inside we’re saying, “please love me unconditionally because right now, I don’t love myself too much no matter what I’m saying or doing to you… I need you to be my hero right now.”
Cliff, I don’t really know too much else to say to you, except to give you a quote that I heard the other day in the great new movie, “To Save a Life.” Someone in the movie said, “Life is a journey — not so much to a destination, but to a transformation.” And that’s what I challenge you to pray about. There’s more to marriage than the destination of each of us getting our personal wants fulfilled. It’s a journey that is lived out and shows the depth of character we’re made of… Christ’s character. Now that you are facing this challenge, what are you going to do with it?
We’re told by God in Romans 12:2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Whenever we’re faced with a problem in marriage, it is our “testing ground” where we show what we’re really made of. Are we “transformed” enough in God’s ways to keep persevering (see: James 1:2-8) and praying and finding out how to work through this trial, or are we going to give in and give up and put our attention elsewhere, abandoning our spouse? What do you think Christ would have you do with this situation?
Please know Cliff, that I truly sympathize with you. This is a really tough situation. You are between a rock and a hard place… walking on eggshells in a situation where NO man, or spouse, for that matter, wants to find themselves. I hope you will guard your heart (because you’re especially vulnerable at this point) and will show the man of integrity that you are created to be and will walk WITH your wife and will pray with and for her and be as supportive as possible until she has the courage to work on her problems in this area of her life.
A good book might be, “The Power of a Praying Husband” by Stormie and Michael Omartian (which you can find a description of it and a link to read more in the “For Married Men” section of this web site under Links and Recommended Resources. I pray this helps.
I know I haven’t given you much guidance here, but I hope it’s a good start on another leg of your journey. You (or others) might wonder why I’m not harder on your wife than I am on you (as far as putting the burden of persevering and praying on you), but that’s because your wife didn’t write a comment here… you did. If she did, I would have written differently to her. I wish you well and pray God will empower you to do what is wisest, and most helpful for you, your wife and your marriage.
(KENYA) It’s not easy to make love when your heart is not there, and there is no love. Good sex comes from the mind.
(AUSTRALIA) I have a wonderful, caring, affectionate husband of 25 years who has endless patience with my lack of interest. I read the article and thought how it was still focused on “getting it”. Doing all those things with the underlying purpose to have sex.
Brew coffee for the chick flick? Don’t you think we already know you think it’s boring? If your attitude is to write that, then sure as eggs your attitude will be martyr like whilst watching the movie too. I read the part about the backrub – “if she wants to make love afterwards, great! let it be her idea.” It does not take into account that a woman is not stupid and knows the suffering her husband is going through, and will just give out to buy some peace for another couple of months. Then the guy thinks she can be wooed. No, she just paid for her back rub.
I have no idea if I have been molested as a child, God has not yet shown me. But I feel absolutely NIL desire for my husband, or any other man for that matter. It bores me, it’s just as much fun as cleaning the toilet. At least the toilet ends up clean.
I know I am the one with the problem. But guys, don’t take it personally if your wife is frigid, there may be other reasons. I have felt extreme guilt and depression from my lack of interest and my husband is the most gentle, kind man. I cannot mentally handle it any longer, the pretense of interest or the smiles or the…oh, you get the picture.
(NIGERIA) So what is the solution to these issues? I may be wrong, but think through my comments, I have the best intentions here. To start with, why did God create marriage?
1. For companionship
2. For procreation
3. For Sex (To avoid adultery)
I may be bold to say that women who go into marriage with men without first knowing what marriage is all about, and are doing themselves and the men in their lives great injustices. I hereby suggest there should be Marriage Schools. There should also be Money Schools and such schools where important life issues are taught. There is a dire need for these in our present generation where values have been muddled up and everyone is doing what seems right to them.
I have not read from the wives who are causing their husbands ‘inconveniences’ and temptations in these regards, but from the write up of the woman who mentioned that her husband had been caring for 25 years despite her not ‘yielding’ to him! Ha! I pity you. You are not totally fulfilling God’s reasons for marriage and it is such people that make the news that screams with such head lines like ‘MAN DIVORCES WIFE AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.’ Such women now crave the pity of the community as though they are the victims. Meanwhile the man had been suffering in silence for years, and could take it no more!
I have never been an advocate for divorce; God hates it. But I am asking that the ‘church’ rise up to the present day need and start creating Marriage Schools where main marriage issues are taught especially to spinsters and bachelors. From this point, individuals can know their rights in marriage, duties, expectations, benefits, challenges and more to be encountered in marriage. This way we shall save ourselves from such heart aches and problems as discussed by previous contributors.
I sincerely hope women who know they cannot cope with the demands of marriage; joint planning, regular lovemaking and sex, childbirth, detachment from parents and former lover(s), parenting, cooking, housechores, school fees, respect for husband, regard for in-laws, etc and even men who cannot cope with marriage demands; e.g joint planning, regular lovemaking and sex, parenting, care and love for the wife and children, leading the home in spiritual matters, protecting the family, praying for the wife & family, providing for the emotional and physical-material needs of the family and many more… such people who think they cannot cope should PLEASE NOT GET MARRIED.
It is better not to get married than cause another person consistent heart ache for life, and unfortunately there is no marriage (man and wife) in the world beyond in heaven -it is only marriage of the Lamb to His Church, so why make another suffer his/her only chance at marrriage here knowing there is no alternative of Divorce especially for christians since God hates divorce?
Husbands or wives who ‘tortue’ their spouses in any of these ways or more should also make ‘sacrifices’ if they truly love their spouses so they can at least be also happy and not sin.
I hope I am understood. No attack on anyone, just my honest view on these issues. God help us all, I rest my case.
(USA) It really helps me to read all of these comments. I love my husband and I know he loves me. He’s very attractive, and so am I. Sex is very one-sided, when we are intimate. I become very frustrated and usually roll over and silently cry myself to sleep. I’ve tried to discuss my issues with him and he tells me that when I bring it up, the last thing he wants to do is touch me.
So, I’m searching for articles online to ease my sense of frustration instead of staring at the ceiling or crying myself to sleep.
More than anything, I feel an intense anxiety over the fact that he may not find me attractive physically or that he feels that I have become off-putting because I would very much like my husband to care whether or not I ever reach climax instead of “Sorry honey. I’m all done.” I really don’t believe he knows how much that hurts and I really believe my discussing this with him makes matters worse. It feels like a “Catch 22.”
(GHANA) I agree with Ay 100%. What I would like in addition is effort by my spouse to know what’s up at the other side when it comes to these issue. For me the princple is ‘GIVE TO RECEIVE’ I give first all that makes her happy and feel good then I lobby lovingly for what I want. I succeed mostly. Remember Luke 6:38 also. Take feedbacks seriously.
(USA) My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We have four great kids. I love her with all my heart. I am a great provider, and good father. I have always been faithful. From time to time I have not been engaging or have paid attention to my wife. I am in the military and have had problems with some PDSS. Our military life has been hard on the family.
A few weeks ago my wife came to me and said she did not love me and never had loved me. She says that she got married because she felt pressure to do so from me and family. And now she wants to walk away from the marriage and has even said she is willing to leave the kids with me, as well. She stopped being loving in the bed chamber long ago (18 years). I’m absolutely committed to her and our family and have made it clear that I will do anything within God’s law to save our marriage. I have also told her that divorce is not an option, nor is separation.
She says she feels trapped. We are starting counseling this week but without at least willingness to try and work things out I’m very concerned. I know that we have had love in the past and for most of our marriage, but her claims of never loving me sound like they are coming from someone else. Any kind, loving act I do for her makes her angry and she claims that I am just trying to make her love me. I suspect a mental disorder. She recently changed to a different medication for her anxiety. And I suspect this change may be the cause of her extreme change in her view of our marriage. When I bring it up she says that she’s just seeing things clearly for the first time in 20 years. Any suggestions or direction I would love.
(USA) Garhart …the fact that she’s willing to undertake counseling is a good start. That seems to indicate she recognizes something is not quite right and guidance is needed to the clear the “fog”. It’s obvious she’s struggling with something that’s probably deeper than not loving you. However, if that truly is the problem, what has kept her from growing to love and be in love with you after all these years and children?
An additional question –what is she looking for? That must be asked. Continue to love her and yourself. As difficult as it maybe, do not blame yourself nor begin to consider what you could have done differently –no one is a perfect spouse. Based on what you’ve stated, the real issue lies in her. Since you posted, that indicates you are willing to make it work. She has to be willing to dig deep within herself to discover the true root(s) of the problem, then be honest with herself whether to want to work on solutions to rectify the relationship.
Lay everything before God; be honest with Him. Ask for clear direction as you have to prepare for whatever outcome because it will be painful should it not go the way you want. The ball is clearly in her court. May I encourage you to find one or two friends (who have you and your family’s best interest at heart) to confide in when necessary –and them only. I truly hope this helps.
(NIGERIA) Hi, your articles are helpful. My own story might help. Before we got married, he introduced me to sex; I enjoyed it and I became attach to him. After we got married, he started having affairs outside. I discovered and this made me hate him and all that he is. I became my child’s friend. It continued till one day that I learned that my prayers can’t be answered with feelings of bitterness. I tried to forgive him but things were not the same. I did not like sex. Any sex act left me with wounds. This continued until I sought counsel in God and read articles that related to my problem. I began to think specially of him. With time I forgot all and things are normal. To yield to sexual demand of your husband starts with the mind. Be pschologically, mentally, physically, emotionally, etc attached to him.
(USA) My husband of 20 years became emotionally involved with two different women over email and text. I found out and was deeply hurt about it. I confronted these women and both of them have told me my husband was looking for attention. After months of marriage counseling things are getting better. Am I wrong for feeling scared and unsure still?
Veronica, You ask if you are “wrong” for “feeling scared and unsure still.” Honestly… what do you think? I’m thinking you know, but want it confirmed by someone else. Of course it’s not “wrong” to be unsure. Your husband broke your trust. Even though you have reconciled to a certain extent and “things are getting better” trusting him fully is another thing.
First off, trusting him fully wouldn’t be something you could do because he has shown himself to be vulnerable when he’s “looking for attention.” And who knows what it will take for him to want to look “for attention” again? But that doesn’t mean that you have to live in fear or live for the rest of your lives together where you’re accusing him of possibly repeating his bad behavior again. It may be that he won’t do that kind of thing again. Some people DO change… even though it took getting caught first, to get to that place.
We have several articles on this web site in the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic, plus quotes in that topic, which focus on the issue of trust. I highly encourage you to read them. And I highly encourage you to keep investing in your marriage –not only the things you learned through counseling, but others you can learn, as well. Keep growing –it’s not a “once and for all” fix. Relationships either grow through the effort put into it or they can die. The problem comes when we stop doing that which can help our love relationship to grow. Unfortunately, most of us fall into that trap at certain points in our marriage (I’ve certainly been there). There are no guarantees that your husband won’t fall into that trap again. But hopefully, he has learned his lesson (sadly, one in which you paid the biggest price), and he will do that which will help your trust to grow again. I hope so. I pray God’s blessings upon your marriage as you apply yourself to growing your relationship in healthy ways.
I agree 100% that a man has to romance his wife to have a successful marriage. I’ve had many relationships that I was deeply hurt in. I loved but never fell in love, and found that out with my wife. The feelings are completely different and I know that God blessed me more than I could even imagine. Being in love, I want to romance my wife without thinking about it.
We both fell in love with each other and knew we were each other’s soulmate. We have been together for a little over a year and never had a fight or disagreement. We had a little tension twice but, I used an approach that I thought of to avoid an arguement. I grabbed her hand and we walked to my recliner. Then I put her on my lap while holding her hand and my arm around her waist. I then asked “what’s wrong and let’s figure it out.” It took us 2 minutes to forget what was wrong and were kissing romantically on the spot. She made the first move so, it obviously didn’t matter. She pulled me up from my chair and into the bedroom all because I told her I don’t argue, compliment her all the time, tell her I love her, how I feel, communicate in conversation, kiss, hug, you name it. I was never like that but, that’s how much I love her and she does me. Every once in a while I get her one red rose and we know that for us it means 1 rose, 1 love. Making love is completely different with the relationship we share. She loves that I hold her in my arms and have pillow talk while focusing on her into her beautiful eyes.
I never felt this way in my first marriage. We do everything together no matter what it is. She’s a gorgeous, dedicated Christian and I’m a Christian but, a long haired, earring wearing, tattooed long haul owner operator truck driver. She goes with me everywhere I go. We can’t live without each other nor get enough of one another. It’s not too common to see a hardcore looking trucker walking hand in hand with a gorgeous woman across the truckstop parking lot. Lol! To me of course she’s gorgeous but, that’s what everybody tells me and ask if she’s a model. I reply “yes, for me”. Lol. In conclusion from my experience, romance, love and cherish her with passion and she will reciprocate.
This isn’t exactly the correct spot for this message but figured you might have the proper spot to put it. Thanks. What does a man do that struggles with many of the addictions life has? Been through the meetings and hated it all. I fought through the addiction to one thing but everything in my life seems to take a hold of me just as it did. Sex, only with wife but I can’t get enough, successful with gambling but still takes control of my life when I let it, can’t be happy even though I may have the perfect job, toys and hobbies, every mans dream you would think. I come up with ways to change but never follow through, life slips away. I blaim those around me and criticize them.
This doesn’t begin to sum up the amount of mangled up things in my life. When I know there’s only one thing I need to do that would correct all calamity in my life. It all sounds so simple. So why am I stumped?
I live in a small town and have limited choices. We used to go a church 30 minutes away and I had it all together. I was actually working forward. Then the new pastor started making odd comments like, you’re so cute… I could just kill you. Many others and every time they met. My son started talking to me how the kids in Sunday class would talk about doing drugs, etc. We left and didn’t look back for a few years.
Then I started awakening to where being away from God was leading. We went to a different church every week until we tried about 15 of the 20 churches within an hour’s drive. Some even a few times. We took a break again for a few years and this is where we find ourselves today. I want to get back to God soooo bad but have something holding us back, holding me back!
I’m a smart man I’m told so my answer to this would be, go to God, take a few minutes anytime you think about it. Don’t hesitate, that hesitation is the devil, don’t question. Although I find myself doing that with my getting older and my faith so low. Let go and trust that God will catch you and carry you. He will.
I can go on about reasons to why and answers to many of my questions. I can tell you just what you need to do. So why can’t I do it? Why do I feel that it’s me doing the tugging? Why am I knowingly letting myself let my children go another day without giving them the guidance while I still have the chance. Why am I so scared of losing those I love? Why am I so weak?
Jason, I am so sorry, brother, for what you are going through. I know all about the isolation, the shame, the frustration that when you pray and ask God to heal you of this pervasive sin all you hear is silence. I know about the small victories and the nagging defeats…about losing hope, because year after year after year you want Biblical purity and it seems to be just out of your grasp. That was almost 40 years of my life.
And then one day when I was crying out to God in prayer for what seemed the millionth time, He spoke to my spirit and said, “Now!” What was different about this time is that I realized that I had to put work into it. He was willing to help if I put the work into it to discipline my brain. For me, God used the book “Every Man’s Battle.” It wasn’t “just” the book, it was the tool God used to show me I had the power (through Him) to change.
Jason, I don’t know what it is God wants to use in your life, but I have to believe He is just as interested in your purity as He is in mine. I say “is” because I’m still a sex/porn addict and always will be. I know my weaknesses, and where I’m vulnerable but I also know how to conquer them. I don’t take my purity for granted and know that one “slip” could be devastating.
I’m fortunate because my wife, Cindy, is my biggest cheerleader; but I also have other men in my life that hold me accountable.
You said you’ve tried a number of things and they haven’t worked. Don’t give up! There is still the one thing that can be just what you need to start the healing process. The fact that you want it so bad and you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, says a lot about your character. If you are like me you want this generational sin to stop with you. And it can.
I’m going to refer you to four web sites (3 of them Christian) that “can” be the lynchpin to your recovery. If one isn’t the answer, try another.
The first is Triple-X Church (www.xxxchurch.com). They have a lot of tools available. Another is http://www.sexadict.com. Then there’s http://www.Narconline.com and last http://www.christianrecovery.com. Now, these aren’t all the web ministries out there. These are just four I thought/felt might fit your need the best.
Jason, isolation and shame are two of satan’s most powerful tools to keep us men addicted. Well, because you came to our web site and confessed you sin you’re no longer isolated. We have thousands of people who come to this site every day and I know many of them who read your post will be praying for you. I know I am!
Today could also be the day for you that God breaks the shame cycle, defeats the enemy of our faith and sets you on the path to healing. But it is only a path. You have to determine you will take the necessary steps to facilitate what God has for you. I won’t kid you. It won’t be easy. There may be setbacks in the beginning, but “Don’t become weary in well doing, for you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)
Please come back a re-post so we know how you’re doing. Blessings, Brother! ~Steve Wright
Sex is a negative issue in my marriage. I can’t keep up with my wife. I don’t enjoy sex as much as my wife and it’s making her feel unworthy and unattractive. I had a mini stroke a year ago. I’m tired all the time. I don’t exercise, I go to school, and work. There is no romance in my marriage. Therefore, it’s very hard on my wife. How can you help my marriage?