We were happily married for six years and living in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, when he had the opportunity to start a business in Chicago with a friend. Until the business could fund itself, arrangements were made for us to receive a base salary for the first year or two—”guaranteed.”
In no time at all, we sold our home in Ft. Wayne, moved our family to Chicago, and dove headfirst into a new business. But what we thought was an exciting adventure proved to be the toughest challenge of our married life.
Unbeknownst to us, there turned out to be no financial backing in place to start Doug’s new business. We were now in a new state, a new home, and raising a new baby, with no foreseeable way to financially support any of us.
Doug’s Experience:
I was excited about the opportunity to start a business with a friend, and I naively trusted him to help it work out. When it didn’t, I was in a state of pure panic. I was hurt by my friend and blamed everything possible. But after all the anger and all the blame, I still had no job. The kind of work I was trained to do would require months of building networks and referrals. I protected myself by ignoring the whole issue, not realizing how much stress was building in my marriage. I kicked into provider mode. I channeled all of my energies into finding creative ways to generate income.
Jana’s Experience:
After the initial shock and disbelief wore off, I carried anger around for quite a while. I nursed anger at the friend who had promised the money and anger at myself for not seeing this unfold and putting a stop to it. I recall being more upset at myself than Doug, because it was more in my nature than his to be cautious and ask questions. I felt stuck and betrayed.
While Doug did what he could to make money, I concentrated on taking care of our baby boy. We were surviving in our own separate worlds. Because of the financial strain, it took time to put the emotional pieces of our marriage back together.
How We Solved the Problem:
We were forced to devise a financial plan that included a meager budget until Doug could find a stable job and we could get back on our feet. It was a matter of survival. To help us meet our immediate financial needs, I (Doug) turned to my father-in-law for a loan.
It was the most humbling experience of my life. He was compassionate and gentle with us as we confessed our major financial blunder.
Next, we sold both our cars to get out from under the loan payments. A friend allowed us to use his car until we were able to afford one later on. We continually acknowledged God’s faithfulness to us throughout this process. Never have we been more dependent on Him and other people—as well as each other.
Ultimately, we asked forgiveness of each other and learned to communicate more effectively. Now, when we are faced with a new decision, we pray about it, gather information and wisdom from others that will help us make a sound decision, and wait to proceed until we feel strongly led one way or another.
A Word to Other Couples:
Continually communicate with each other about decisions that will impact your finances. Seek guidance from those in the know, ask every question you can think of, and put your financial plans in writing.
This article comes from the book, I Love You More (formerly titled When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages) written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. This is a really good book that has a lot to offer those who read it. Not only does it focus on “how to make the thorns in your marriage come up roses” from the experiences the authors have personally learned through and also found out through their counseling experiences, they also offer testimonies like the above one on various subjects from those who have lived through “thorny” experiences. They also include a listing of exercises and self-tests in this book for each chapter to work on, and they even have companion workbooks designed to go along with this book (one for husbands and one for wives). So as you can see, this book has the potential to go beyond the surface of things to dig deeper if you exercise the choice to do so (which we hope you will).