If your spouse says to you, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” … OUCH! You are experiencing a big OUCH to the Nth degree! Even if you’ve said those words to your spouse, I say OUCH! Those words cause a lot of pain to a lot of spouses. And it causes a lot of pain and huge upsets to a lot of families.
When those words are given, you are either the giver or the receiver of that pain. Either way there are horribly hurt feelings that are involved!
I Love But I’m Not IN Love With You
Tragically, that phrase of loving, but not being in love with the spouse is being said by marriage partners everywhere we turn. It’s like a deadly plague that is pushed out in epidemic proportions. And it’s infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness. That’s because that’s what it is!
Now, I’m not throwing verbal stones. I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage. As a result, I just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him. I concluded that I didn’t love him anymore and that this “love” would never return. All I could think was, I wanted out! So I understand the reasoning involved in saying those words. And it almost brought the death of our marriage.
Thankfully, God intervened and opened my eyes. All was not hopeless. I just thought it was. After some convincing, God then helped me to resurrect a new love—a true love for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work). And we have a deep, deep love for each other. Years before, I would never have thought that would be possible. But it was.
Because of that experience, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you, or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will benefit from what I’ve lived, and learned.
Lessons Learned
Through the things I’ve experienced it has been revealed to me that: We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone.
Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience. But when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to leave and jump into the next emotional high of “love.”
And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.
“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM. So I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But…“)
Love is more than feelings.
Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love. But you could actually be experiencing temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season. These feelings are unsustainable in the long-run if you don’t follow through with decisions to help it to grow.
A lot of this is discussed in a Today’s Christian Woman article written by Leon Scott Baxter titled, “We’ve Got Chemistry.” But I’ll sum up a bit of what he wrote in this article (and other talks I’ve heard him give on this issue). He writes:
“Why isn’t my relationship that exciting? The easy answer: because that’s ‘new love.’ That’s fresh love. That’s the love we used to have. Phenylethylamine (PEA) is one of the culprits for the excitement of ‘new love.’ PEA is a brain chemical that acts like an amphetamine (yes, the drug) during the early stages in a relationship. Your body reacts to it like it would an upper. But it’s without the harmful side effects and embarrassment of failing a urine test.
“Another effect of PEA is the release of the chemical dopamine. This little neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger that sends a message from one nerve cell to another in the brain—boosts both our energy levels and our motivation. Why do you think men write love letters and wear cologne and take showers early on in relationships? They’re being flooded with dopamine.”
Another thing that contributes to “new love” is:
“The hormone of desire. That would have to be testosterone. Dopamine is the spigot to testosterone’s faucet; but it’s not a hormone just for men. Testosterone is present in both men and women. It’s released to prepare our bodies for intimacy.”
This particular article (and other talks Leon has given) goes on to talk about “new love.” This is something we all know about. It’s exciting, and causes us to go into a euphoric state, physically and emotionally. I remember when I first thought that I was falling in love with my husband Steve. It was one of the most exciting times of my life. I thought about him all the time. I also overlooked his faults and only saw the “good” in him. It was a lovely time. Who doesn’t enjoy that kind of a ride and want to get back onto it?
Other “Contributions” to Feelings of Love
Other chemicals within us that contribute to the feelings of “love” that Leon Baxter talks about are Endorphins:
“They are the neurotransmitters our brains release to reward us for good behavior. When we win, laugh, exercise, have sex, or fall in love, endorphins are released. They’re the reasons why we want to continue winning, laughing, exercising, having sex, and falling in love. Endorphins motivate and energize us. They make us feel happy and alive. Additionally, they allow us to cope with stress easily.”
There’s also, Serotonin:
“It’s a neurotransmitter that women produce during the ‘romantic love’ phase. Serotonin eases women, relaxing them, allowing them to feel comfort, contentment, and optimism. But that’s only true if their husbands give them the opportunity.”
Two other chemicals that contribute are:
“The cuddle chemical …a pleasant side effect of increased serotonin is the release of oxytocin. This little bugger is just phenomenal. It’s been called ‘the hormone of love,’ and ‘the foundation of romance.’ It’s even called ‘the key to lasting relationships.’ And, get this, it affects both men and women. Not bad, eh?
“Oxytocin lets us bond with the ones we love. Instead of insomniac thoughts of our love interest, we feel peacefully warm, loving, and affectionate toward him or her. The release of oxytocin is often triggered by touch. This includes a hug, back massage, even a gentle brush on the neck. But the hormone can also respond to other types of cues. This can be a whisper in the ear, a song on the radio, or a pleasing fragrance. When oxytocin is doing its job, we feel the need to romantically or intimately touch the one we love. And this in turn, releases the flow of the hormone in your mate.”
New Love
When you look at all of this going on within our bodies, it’s no wonder why “new love” can be exciting. We’re on a bio-chemical high — one that scientist believe starts to dissipate “somewhere after one-and-a-half to four years.” It’s a time when “the body grows used to these natural stimulants that bombard our systems during ‘new love.’ When that happens, love changes.”
It has to, our bodies couldn’t take the continual high. But much of this chemical stimulation can still be experienced, plus new, more satisfying feelings can be lived out with your spouse, if you do the things that triggered the Oxytocin, and seratonin and such, that we first experienced when we “fell” in love. We’ll talk about that a bit further down in this article.
I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. It’s easy to see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love.”
She wrote:
“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind. You may sleep with a shirt left behind, or listen to a song that reminds you of him or her. Perhaps you’ll listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.
“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning them into positives (‘He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).
“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)
After the Infatuation Passes
Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.
After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.
As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:
“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”
And it sure wasn’t enough for us —at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.
It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:
Love is both a noun and a verb.
In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.
Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient“, “kind“, “does not envy“, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.
What IS Love?
“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Fertel)
Noun and a Verb
God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith to grow true love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I still needed to be loving in my actions, even though I wasn’t experiencing the feelings of love. As I did that, eventually the feelings did come along for the ride. I decided to do things for Steve, “as unto the Lord” and trust God for the result. I needed to exercise mature love. This is the type of love that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.
“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love —and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.
“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Fertel)
I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help.
I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for. It’s all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses. They thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well. As a result, our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.
It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.
A Journey
For me, it was a journey that God took me on to learn what real love was all about. I needed to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways. Then I learned more about my husband, and worked on my own issues. I became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.
I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:
“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?
“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. Also, it means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the web site article titled, “Fall in Love with Your Spouse Again”)
Something marriage expert, Mort Fertel says applies as well:
“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).
I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir.” You may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.
Your Journey
I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for your pain. It may be that you need to keep asking God to show you how to endure without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.
I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible. They probably saw no end in sight to their situations. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.
Not Giving Up
I think of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert. Then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (despite continual discouragement), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed; and prayers were answered.
I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold. History records how close they came to victory. But someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. That’s because they gave up JUST before the going got good.
What I Can Tell You
I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. But I do know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
God is Here for You
I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect. God’s ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.
When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.
He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.
Don’t Have All the Answers
This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.
Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following Crosswalk.com article may help you better understand this concept:
• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love
Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors. I’d like to pass them along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation. Eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.
When a person says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you,” not only is it emotionally traumatizing for the person on the receiving end of those words, but it’s also confusing. “Where did their LOVE run off to?” And “how can I make sense of all of this?” And “what do I do about the love I feel for my spouse now that he/she says ‘I don’t love you?'” can be a few of the many, many questions that come up.
Other Issues
The spouse who is delivering this horrible message to the other spouse is actually wrestling with other issues:
“The excuse ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is nonsensical. Let me tell you why. There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy.
“What you’re really feeling and should be saying is ‘I don’t want to love you anymore.’ It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.
“The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have.'” (Angie Lewis from the Beyondprose.com article titled “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You Anymore)
As I said before, feelings can come and go.
“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Fertel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.” …You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)
Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Do What It Takes
IF eventually, your spouse will listen to reason, and will put effort into making your marriage work once again, you both need to do what it takes to bring love back into your everyday lives with each other.
“The key to love is attention. More specifically Brett Williams, the author of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married: Love-Based Solutions for Couples
, believes that love is the free gift of our attention. ‘When couples are dating they bring all kinds of attention to each other on a daily basis. As a result, their love is never stronger. But after the vows are given, the pair stops pursuing. Their attention is instead turned toward their careers, their new family, and taking care of the home. This is when their love becomes starved for attention. And this is where the feeling of closeness begins to wane.’
“’Intuitively everyone understands this relationship between love and attention. This is so much so that the words are used almost interchangeably. Therefore in order to reconnect they need to bring attention to one another. What they need is a weekly date night.
“’A movie and dinner is not going to cut it. The way couples typically date brings very little attention. For the dates to be effective in creating closeness they must follow the principles that govern love/attention:
1) Attention is drawn to novelty
2) Energy grabs attention
3) Attention comes in three forms
“’A great date will contain variety, vitality, and attention in a style the other person wants.’”
Romantic Ideas
To obtain ideas to get you onto a good footing to grow your love, please visit the Romantic Ideas topic. We recommend you glean through and use that, which will help you to grow your love for each other.
Lastly, on this issue, here’s a portion of what Pastor Mark at Mars Hill Downtown Bellevue said in a sermon titled, “Friends with Benefits.” It’s something for you to prayerfully consider:
“People may fall out of repentance, but they don’t fall out of love. God tells us we can love our enemies. How? Because love doesn’t begin with or emanate from us; God is love. Even when we’re not feeling particularly friendly toward our spouse, we can still love them with the love that God gives.”
Wish
I/we wish new and true love could be infused into your spouse’s heart for you. We also wish love could develop instantly in your heart for your spouse! Unfortunately, learning to love again and anew, takes more than hopes and wishes. It takes intentionality to learn what God can and will teach to those who are willing to participate.
Steve and I can’t do much more for you than what we offer in this article and on this web site. But what we can do is point you to the One who can renew your hope. We encourage you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing. He can help in ways you may not be able to imagine.
In Closing
I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage
You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should. But you can ask God to keep your heart, mind and focus centered on doing things His way. You can ask Him to give you peace of mind in the process.
When you don’t feel in love, here’s a prayer:
“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU. I cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my marriage, You will never leave or forsake me.
“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You. You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. Please help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psalm 62:8).
Heavenly Father:
“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You. I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.
“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).
“We may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done. Yet I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).
“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
(USA) Typically, this is the first words out of the mouths of someone who is having an affair. So if you hear them, dig deep and find out who they are “in love with” because I’d say 9 times out of 10, if you hear them, your spouse is “in love” with another.
BTDT, I heard these words from my ex-wife and sure enough, she was in an affair with a married man. The more I researched, the more I learned this is part of the wayward script.
If they are in an affair, none of the tips from any of these fine folks will help unless the spouse speaking those words ends the affair. Since you cannot do that for your spouse, you have to hope they will end the affair instead of ending the marriage.
I don’t intend to be a kill joy. However, I do want to paint a realistic picture. Most guys who hear these words will end up divorced because their wives have closed their hearts to them and opened their hearts to another man.
(LONDON, UK) Hi Tony….I am a married woman and I have said those words to my husband, but NOT because of the reasons you state.
I said that to my husband because of the pain his actions had left me in… see on our second wedding anniversary he confessed to me that he had a sexual addiction. During our whole relationship he had been going into mens public toilets and receiving oral sex from strangers, the devastation which followed was indescribable. We’re still in the process of trying to recover but we are just at the begining of that journey.
When I told him “I love you, but I’m not in in love with you”, I meant it, because I just could not feel any love in the middle of all my pain, and to be in love with him was no where within me.
What I had to do was to learn what love actually was, as it states in the above article, and to realise that actually so many people are not “in love” but loving each other every day which is soooooooooo much better.
I love my husband beyond what I can even describe, so to say I’m in love with him is just an understatement. I will love him and continue to love him till my Lord Jesus calls me home, so please don’t just think that because someone says those words they’re out there having an affair. Unfortunately yes, that is the case, but even for those who are having affairs there is a great deal of pain behind those words, and some times it’s the only way to express how they’re feeling.
I’m so sorry for what your ex-wife did to you, I more than anyone know the pain of betrayal and how empty that leaves you. What I wish people would do is to work on their marriages instead of deciding “well, I’m not in love anymore therefore it’s not worth staying” and to make it worse to run into the arms of another man. I just hope that your experience will not leave your heart closed for your future love life, may God bless you in every way :)
(CANADA) I’m so saddened today because I heard him say those words I am not in love with you anymore. Our marriage after 8 years have been tested in so many ways. I love him dearly and am so hurt by all of this. He says that there is no one else, but he cheated on me 6 years ago and since then his family hates me and put pressure on him to leave me everyday because I find it hard to trust him again. What do I do?
This marriage is ending and he wants out. I should have accepted his chornic use of marajuana and stop bugging him so much and maybe we would not be in this position. I feel like it is all my fault. I’m so scared of what comes next. I do not have addictions and I should have been more understanding to his. God, I’m so hurt, what do I do now?
(USA) It is definitely not your fault. I know it’s hard when you love someone to hear they want out. The mere fact that you can’t trust him makes it very hard to continue a marriage. Love is supposed to be based on trust and willingness to compromise when needed, I believe. And if he can’t even stop his chronic use of marajuana of the sake of his marriage, it is clearly HIM who has a problem and not you. I wish you well. Talking to someone always helps. Don’t be afraid to ask family or friends for help to get through this difficult situation.
(USA) You are making sense. However, when a man cheats on his wife it is showing that she cannot satisfied him sexually. Therefore, he has to go out to look for love. Would you agree with me?
(USA) No, I disagree. When a man cheats on his wife, there is something wrong with him, not his wife. Making love is not about getting yourself satisfied by satisfing your partner. Love is a commitment. If he chooses to go somewhere else it is because he is not committed to the one he has and she can feel it.
(USA) When anyone cheats, it’s likely they were not satisfied. HOWEVER, that is never a valid reason to cheat. When one said his/her vows, it was supposed to mean something. There are not valid excuses for cheating. There may be reasons why the person CHOSE to cheat. However, they were never forced and the blame for making choice falls 100% on the one choosing to cheat, no exceptions.
(USA) Not necessarily true. It may feel like this, but its not always the case. Some of us men cheat because the sex is available outside of the household. In many cases the man is not intentionally devaluing his wife, but the act of going through with the affair will cause him to devalue her over time.
It is the same if the shoe is on the other foot. Women cheat too. Many of the reasons people cheat include, greed, lack of satisfaction, availability, ego feeding, fantasy, feelings of entitlement, lust, the friends are doing it, etc, etc. I hope you don’t buy into the assumption that people cheat just because they think something is better, there are very many reasons.
(CANADA) Cheating started with a commandment do not adulter and so where she did not want him any more then, then the guys didnt want her because it was a turn off, of where friends a family are talking on the net in a madness in my head, it is of course to tell you that as a suffering Christian I was always wondering why people never judge themself for what they judge another for in a way where I still have to learn and so does my beloved girl that cheating and marriage and dishonesty and love and hate and feelings and sin nature and fruitfulness and kindness is in all good people where there is a point……. Do not cheat because its serious, but on the other hand the cheater might have been a little bit forced into it or not by means of circumstance where they as a person in the past struggled with alot of women after them is where they really on repeat had to say no type things or there was something done to the person in the past or there is something wrong with them because of the past can have an effect on a person before they cheat. So there is no peace but war and unhappiness and hell where people are judging someone or one another over utlimately as a christian I noticed the Lord’s prayer, and said it, but always was rather facing temptation then being delivered from evil, even though i meant my Lord’s prayer to God, as a saint, if I try to leave God I fall into a bad state of being while I am with God I could not exactly find that God would quite the tempations (blessed are they that endure temptation is in the book of James in the bible) which is something that makes a christian think that God leads them into being tempted because they are blessed which if becomes a problem with who they are tempted with or what that circumstance is, isn’t a blessing at all, but even then If they pray for that which they do not want to do is cheat, and then eventually they are only experiencing lots of women no matter how much he prays he faces a repeating pattern of break down his will type things is an example that the cheater might be a good boy or girl, its just that there are so many things christians can not teach the secular part of the human race that their own God might be an outside force type of existent leading them into temptation with someone to test them and that was christian talk and christians are one of the majorly first tempted and then accused people on the earth……… the secular cheat and no accusers its because of the view of things like Jesus and God within people about them that are not saints its different and harder for a christian who believes in a being above that is stern with them though fruitful. what i mean is, take a look at what I just wrote and be able to understand the pressures on people to cheat and how much trouble the good human being gets into doing it. forgive each other and be at peace with each other even if you don’t want to be with each other or one the other…….
(AUSTRALIA) There has been much talk of loving our spouse but not in love. I have been married now for 2 years, and my husband knew that I didn’t love or desire him in anyway even from the beginning.
I got married through pressure and fear, which I take responsibily of, but my heart is broken, and my husband and I don’t know what to do. This is my second marriage and his third marriage, and I feel that we should stay committed for the sake of our children. Any encouragement would be appreciated.
(USA) I saw your comment Laura and it struck me personally. I have been married for 9 yrs. and we are on the rocks. When we married I felt I loved him but I was never “in love” with him. I should not have married him in all fairness to him but too late for that. “The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have.’ This is so true for me. I want to feel cherished and adored.
My husband has put me down in many ways physically and mentally. He also has anger problems, and he went to strip clubs in the past and hid it from me. I’ve lost trust in him. I need to feel beautiful and loved. I don’t get those needs met at all from him. Every time he does something hurtful I just want to run away. We’re both unhappy and tired of our marriage. I have tried to get help but he is not willing and he has stopped going to church. It’s hard to love someone I cannot stand very often. I do everything I can to avoid him so we don’t fight. I feel trapped as a Christian woman bound to my vows to God… unhappy and sad now.
(USA) My husband and I have been separated for 5 years. He lives with another woman and her children. We do not communicate and he rarely sees his children. Is there hope for us?
(USA) I think you are holding on for nothing… I would move on…. There is someone that will love you and your children. Free that man with a divorce and better yet, free yourself to a new life.
(UNITED STATES) There is ALWAYS hope in Jesus. Saying that it cannot be fixed is saying that it is too much for God. Do not listen to the world, listen to God alone. He restores marriages everyday just like yours and worse. Do not lose hope. Stand for your marriage and see God’s miracles in your life. Nothing is too hard for God!
(USA) There is a difference between hope and false hope. He has moved on with someone else. It has been over 1 yr… 5 yrs! You may not be ready to move on but if he wants a divorce, he left and is with another now… give it to him. Of course you can pray for God’s hand to intervene before the papers are final but if nothing changes then you need to wipe your feet. I think enough time has gone by to do that. I’m sorry for your loss and your sadness.
(UNITED STATES) I heard my wife say these words to me. It ripped the heart out of my chest after 23 years of marriage. I love Diana with all my heart soul and mind. I fall in love with her every time I see her. She turned into a different person, truly unhappy. She is searching out happiness in others not from deep within.
We have her in counseling and hoping this helps. I am standing in my faith and God. I will not give her a divorce and place this truly in God’s hands. I thank you so much for your resource and have put a link to your site from my page http://www.troubledmarriage.org to help others.
I Love this women with all my heart and will continue to fight for her.
(US) You are one in a million and your wife is very blessed to have you. Hopefully, she will wake up soon and count her blessings.
(LAS VEGAS) You’re a great man. Keep fighting for the person you love.
(UNITED STATES) I just want to say thank you for this site. Yes, like many others I have heard those same words recently and I too have delivered them as well only later realizing I was wrong. I had to repent. It doesn’t feel good being on the other side. If only I was more mature and lead a devoted life to Christ as I am now. I am grateful. God delivered me so I know he can deliver my wife and others. I love my wife greatly and I too will continue to fight for her. Love your wife as Christ loves the Church. Nothing Less…
(USA) I heard these painful words in January. I was pouring my heart an soul out to my husband on how much I appreciated him and how I felt good to actually be able to depend on someone. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years.
I asked him why he never spoke with me like that, with pouring his heart and soul out to him. I asked him if he trusted me, and he said “No”. Then the dreadful I love you but not like the same way you love me.
I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage and they are adults now. During their teenage years, they put him through hell and back. One daughter suffered from an eating disorder who clearly got more attention than my husband was getting.
Needless to say I have done some inexcusable things in the past, stashing money, giving money to my adult daughter to help her out financially when it came to my little Grandson.
Then I found out that a recent visit of his to Canada was to visit an old flame, little did I know he went to apologize for the jerk he was because she ended up pregnant and he convinced her to have an abortion. Little did I know, he was with someone when I met him. He then started engaging in an emotional affair with her over the phone and the internet. I tried contacting her and she said I needed to talk to my husband. To my surprise, he got in contact with me and we discussed the situation. To my knowledge now, she is working on trying to save her marriage. Yes, we had problems, but I know this occurring with her intensified the feelings of not wanting to try in our marriage, said he couldn’t anymore and will be moving out, but will wait until I find a job since I am unemployed.
I want to be alone for a while to sort things out. I asked him what he wanted and he said he could not see past what he wants right now because he needs to clear his mind but not sure our marriage can overcome our issues. I told him I felt he was just bailing out on the marriage, I don’t care how much you try, marriage is a constant try, try try. Now he holds it against me that he feels that he came second to my daughters. It was no secret that I had two daughters that depended on me and he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t always first on my priority list, since I was on his.
I am praying to God to give me strength and for our marriage to be able to overcome this ordeal. I cannot see my life without him. He is a good man. I do feel a bit betrayed at the same time because of secrets he kept of his past. I know it is his past but I feel these should have been shared with me also. Yet again, I am not a saint. I have made plenty of mistakes in our marriage that I wish I could go back and fix. I just know that when I got married, I was hoping to marry for life. For Better or for Worse.
Oh, not to forget, he doesnt feel it’s fair to me now to have sexual relations with me because he does not feel the same emotional connection that I have for him.
I don’t know what to do. I am trying to fight for our marriage, as he did 5 years ago because I thought that I wanted out at the time, because I did go through a period where I was not sure how I felt about him. In the end, he showed me what we had together and I stayed and never mentioned another word about leaving. I wish he would pay the same respect to me but he does not feel it is the same.
I also want to add that when I say about inexcusable actions I have made, I have never been unfaithful to my husband. He has always been the one for me and I never thought about straying even when my feelings were becoming unclear.
The problem we got into was living as You and Me, instead of US or We. Something that I am understanding now and something I want us to work towards. It just feels like he was more into me when I pushed him away than when I have really worked on our marriage to try to make him feel special to me. Just so weird to me.
(USA) Dee, I can feel your pain. It seems like you have a lot of past hurts and wounds. What I don’t think you should do is compromise who you are because you are in love with your husband. To me, the only way you can really love someone else is to love yourself first. It doesn’t sound like you are doing much loving of yourself.
My advice is to focus on mending your wounds, stay in prayer about marriage and believe that GOD will fix it. God is the author of marriage and he can turn it around. Blessings to you!
(USA) I’ve been their myself. My ex dumped me. We were together for 9 1/2 yrs, engaged for 2 yrs 8 months. Our relationship was a roller coaster ride. 3 1/2yrs into our relationship is when it all started. We managed to work it out but something always came up. I forgave her and it would pass but in the end she said those 10 deadly words.
It hurt me really bad. I tried to work it out with her but it was too late. She already had her mind made up. No matter what I said or did it didn’t matter to her. I finally realized that I was getting no where, that I was trying to save a relationship that been over for years. It was time to face it and omit it and move on. It took time and I have gotten over her. Time is your best friend during breakups. In the end I am happy and single. People who use that excuse for breaking up, end up going from one bad relationship to another and unhappy.
(USA) I had reached a point in my marriage where I told my husband that I was not in love with him anymore. I truly felt that the passion that I once had for him was gone. As a result, I didn’t want to sleep with my husband and came up with several excuses to get out of it.
My husband is a police officer and was caught having sex with a prostitute on the job. He has now broken our covenant, lost his job and is facing possible felony charges. He has left me to care for our children and he has no income and now it is all in my lap. I am furious.
I guess the reason for my post is to tell you that if there is anything in your marriage that is worth fighting for, to keep fighting. I felt this way at one point and then realized that the adverse effect of his actions are too much for me to forget. He jeopardized our marriage and our livelihood and has left me here to pick up the pieces. Naturally, he says that he wants to stay with me and that he loves me but that he felt rejected by me and this is the reason he sought someone else. I strongly believe that he sought someone else purely because this was his desire.
I am hurt and I have decided that I really think it is best that I move on. I feel betrayed and humiliated.
(USA) I guess I have to ask why you dismiss what your husband had to say? Your reaction kind of proves his point. He said you rejected him. So what do you do, you dismiss his answer and fill in your own reasoning, thereby proving to him that his perception is valid, he’s rejected.
It’s no excuse for his affair. But your account demonstrates exactly what your husband is/was complaining about. Perhaps you are just now feeling what he’s been feeling for a long time. Think about it.
You have every right to divorce, he was unfaithful. On the other hand, you yourself said, “if there is anything in your marriage that is worth fighting for, to keep fighting.” So is your own husband no longer of any value, or is there some value he has, other than the provider of a paycheck?
Regardless what you do, my suggestion is that you stop the mind-reading, stop the dismissal of what others have to say. If your husband says he felt rejected by you, then he felt rejected by you.
It’s still no excuse for his affair. But it is likely being open and honest with you regarding how he felt, and ironically, you rejected it. Proving his complaint is valid.
(USA) Just because you felt rejected, it doesn’t give you the right to have an affair, period. The problem I see in your marriage is communication. You should have been honest with your husband and told him how you felt. You should have gotten some kind of counseling that might have helped with the issue you had going. If you think your marriage is worth saving, then do it, but only if you really want to save it.
(USA) FedUp, You neglect a man or woman long enough, and ignore their needs they will end up dissapointing you. I believe you need to consider your affect in that you ignored his needs, and eventually he got caught cheating.
(USA) Daddy L, I will take 10% of the blame, however, your needs being neglected is never a justifiable reason to cheat on your spouse. There are several things that I needed and didn’t get from the marriage, yet, I didn’t commit adultery. I do appreciate your insight, but there is NEVER a justifiable reason for cheating. If someone is not getting their needs met and they feel that neglected, it is best to get out and spare the other party pain.
(USA) I’m sorry BUT to the person who said that “if you ignore someones needs long enough” …how about us women in our 40’s who, well for me being in my sexual prime (and not bad for my age if I may say so myself) and giving my husband sex whenever and wherever he wants it, it’s still not enough? I think someone else nailed it on the head saying that there are many reasons why someone cheats and some of these things may have nothing to do with their partner or what they have going on at home.
It really stinks, I hate being in love these days. I don’t really see a point in it when you really don’t know the person you are with. You think you do, until you find out they have another agenda. Once I learned more about my husband of 21 years that I was clearly oblivious to before… it really killed my trust. I know that he loves me… he never actually said those words… I love you but I’m not in love with you but I can just feel it.
So now after sooo long of not being complimented, always sleeping by myself, handling most of the daily life at home and with the kids, well, now he wants to tell me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me. He has started to do a lot more around the house and seems to care about my feelings. I just feel like it’s 1. too late … 2. lies just to cool me down. He did say I can’t compete with a 21 year old, wishes he got excited just looking at me and a lot of other things that made me feel bad about myself.
I’ve asked God to help me with this, I struggle daily. I want to be happy not miserable. He just wants me to love him and be happy, while he wishes he was with someone else. I don’t understand that, leave me then. Sooner or later I will leave him.
(USA) FedUP, I agree with you a small amount. Perhaps the man mentioned it one time and filling his needs was not important to you. However, if it was over and over and over again mentioned, and you kept thinking it is not important, then you did create the condition where cheating will be more prevalent.
Divorce is expensive, and sometimes the temporary solution to a problem is just that, temporary.
You think you can’t make someone cheat? That’s a laugh. The way this should have went down is he would have discussed what he’s not getting and you meet him closer to the middle, he should have also met you in the middle on things you said he was ignoring. But to totally not take care of your spouse because you don’t feel like it seems like a sham. That’s the same if the shoe is on the other foot.
IE: if I starve my wife of love and affection over a long period of time do I expect her not to cheat? She will cheat or leave, and first attempt to discuss this with me. I personally don’t believe there is an excuse for neglect.
In my situation she cheated and was missing nothing, she says she was experimenting – basically following behind single people. In the end I’m neglected, because she built up an ego off the cheating on me.
I don’t want to cheat, but I’m not having sex and I have zero intimacy, it is affecting my wellbeing. I want to reconcile the relationship, but she doesn’t really care… Divorce is expensive. I don’t want to cheat on her, but if there ever was a reason for it, now is the time.
(USA) Dear Daddy L, I try to stay out of this forum as much as possible so God can work through others to minister to each other. We sure don’t want it to be about the “Steve and Cindy Show” because it isn’t. But I feel prompted to say that I think you’re over-looking what this web site is about. It’s Marriage MISSIONS. It’s looking at your marriage as a mission field — to live out God’s ways and God’s love within your marriage. The aim is: “Revealing the heart of CHRIST within marriage.”
We need to get marriage back to the way God intended… not the way ushered in by the world’s standards, but God’s.
Somehow, I can’t imagine Jesus cheering you on in your comments saying, “Yeah… go for it buddy. You aren’t getting what you need, so the ends justifies the means. Get yours and forget about the standards God requires of us.”
Neither spouse should neglect the other spouse’s needs in any area of “being one” as the Bible talks about. But neither does the wrong behavior of one spouse give the other spouse the license to sin.
It’s not that you are to enable the other spouse to sin or look the other way, but you aren’t to lower God’s standards just because your spouse does.
I recommend that you do more reading of the scriptures and what God says HIS standards are for living together in this world. One article on our web site, “Scriptures and Quotes to Help You in Your Married Life” along with many, many other articles (NOT taken out of context) would be good to prayerfully read. Also, the book by Gary Thomas, titled, “Sacred Marriage” would be good to read because it might help you to see more of what God wants of us within marriage.
I hope you understand that there’s a bigger picture of what God wants us to do in and through each one of us, than to make it our focus to live our lives to get our “needs” met. They ARE important, yes. God created us with them. But they aren’t more important than living as God wants us to live… please know that. I truly wish you the best and also truly hope your wife turns her heart and life around, for her sake and for yours.
(USA) Cindy, Thanks for responding. Out of the situation I’ve been through I came out with a couple of revelations. “Selfishness has no place in a marriage”, is one of them.
It appears that the Bible is very generous toward married couples, and that while one may think that Christianity may be restrictive toward affection and love making in marriage, it seems that several verses say that this is one of the rewards of marriage. As like it’s nearly supposed to be given generously, from both sexes.
I will do my best. My spouse has said she would attend marriage counseling with me, and also I’m going to do the Retrouvaille Marriage retreat. My hope is we can return to a more fair and equitable viewpoint, which will mean both our needs will get met, and that we do acts of service for one another.
If she does not want to participate, I will analyze that and at some point will bow out. I want my children to see two parents who adore each other and who respect one another.
I am thankful for a resource such as yours, which literally returned my sanity amidst a situation which involved so many things that aren’t straightforward and logical.
I also believe outside of physical harm, that many of the husbands and wives who are mean and restrictive and controlling and not giving sex and affection are acting outside of what God intended. It is very selfish. When we say selfish for most of us it may not have a hard impact. Today that is a very powerful and negative word for me, considering what I have gone through.
(USA) Daddy L, you stated, “I also believe outside of physical harm, that many of the husbands and wives who are mean and restrictive and controlling and not giving sex and affection are acting outside of what God intended. It is very selfish. When we say selfish for most of us it may not have a hard impact. Today that is a very powerful and negative word for me, considering what I have gone through.”
I can agree with your thought to a certain extent because what I know about the LORD is that he can and will supply all my needs. When you are dealing with another person (flesh) they will always do things to disappoint. This is why I believe GOD tells us not to put our trust in man but to put our trust in HIM. In marriage when problems arise, this is the time to take it to the Lord in prayer and not in your own hands. GOD also tells us to lean not on our own understanding. Again, when you are dealing with another person (flesh) you cannot control or dictate how they will be from one moment to the next. When you speak of selfishness, to me this means being focused on yourself and disregarding the needs of the other party. It is a two way street. I am firm believer that no man or woman in marriage can truly please the other party without GOD’s help. I believe this is why he tells us not to be unequally yolked.
I strongly disagree with your notion about justifiable cheating. Adultery is talked about numerous times in the marriage and the LORD has given us a provision if this should occur. He does not say well, if you aren’t getting what you need in marriage, go ahead, sleep with someone else, you deserve it, your spouse is selfish. The Bible says that the man is the head. If the man is the head, he is responsible for what happens in the home and marriage. GOD is not only looking at the wife and saying she is selfish. GOD is saying “Husband, why is your wife selfish? Fix it”. A man cannot do this in a marriage without any God-given power or authority.
Believe it or not, everyone is guilty of being selfish at some point in their lives and marriage. It is just how the two go about fixing it. Stepping outside the marriage is never the answer. Seeking GOD’s help is.
(UNITED STATES) I say leave it to God and he will show you the way. I am in the same situation where my wife told me I love you but… I too am fighting for my 13 year marriage and have been living with my parents for 3 months. We have a 4 year old son and so far I have not seen any progress. Yes, I do hurt everyday. She told me this stupid phrase back in Nov of 09 and also said she wants a divorce and for me too move on. Is she seeing somebody? I don’t know but I can’t stay and wait to find out.
I’m doing my best to stay strong and leave my marriage problems and my wife in God’s hands and hopefully he will show her what she is doing is wrong and bring her back into my arms. The messed up part is her family. Their dog has been staying with us for 3 yrs and they are partly to blame for what is going on. Now I did make some really stupid mistakes but she does not want this life with me anymore. To make matters even worse I just recently lost my job.
Believe me, I have begged and cried to her and so far I think I have pushed her even more away because of me constantly bugging her. She hasn’t filed for divorce. I pray she will hold off a little longer and think what she is about to do. I am just going to keep praying and be strong and hope God will heal our marriage.
(USA) Joe, I don’t know if you’re still visiting this site but I hope things have gotten better by now. I am exactly in the same position as you, even moving in with my parents for a couple of months. Then I decided my kids need me, this is the coward’s way, so I moved back in and just made myself a room in the office. Then just day by day following 1 Cor 13 despite my wife’s absolute refusal to reconcile. I hope that by now you have found what I have found: just seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you.
(USA) Hi Joe. Not sure if you reconciled or not… or if you are still visiting this site. But for anyone out there I read the reviews of this book on Amazon and it looks promising. The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever
by Patricia Love. I have a troubled marriage and I’m thinking of checking it out.
I wish you all the best! Marriage is hard… it’s a decision and action to love someone no matter what they say or do even when we don’t feel like it and I can’t do that right now. Being in a direct relationship with God and his spirit is needed for strength. I have grown spiritually weary as a result of my hurtful marriage. I want to throw the towel in and run away but I remember my vow and I don’t want to sin or be a failure. But the condition of our marriage is failing and the kids are sad to say see it. I am tired. Another book to read is not my idea of help but maybe it’s a start to seeing things from a different perspective. I wish everyone the best!
(USA) I am dealing with this situation at the moment. I have been married for 3 years, and throughout those three years I have abused my wife physically and mentally. I now know how wrong I was and that I should NEVER had done those things to my wife. I have recently accepted the lord into my life and have changed the road I walk on into the road leading towards the lord.
Me and my wife have been seperated for almost 3 months now, and she is telling me that she can never love again, and that I will never be a real man for what i did to her. She has replaced me with her party friends and doesn’t even want to hear from me… I send her nice messages wishing her a good day and that I love her, and I get no response. when I ask her why no response she tells me that I’m annoying her, to leave her alone. She has completely shut me out of her life.
We have a 20 month old daughter together and I have been taking care of her through all of this. The problem I’m facing is she has already given me chances to change before, and I said I would change, and I did, for all of about a week, long enough to get her back, and then I went about my irresponsible ways all over again. Now that I truely have changed and devoted my life to God, she won’t even turn her head around long enough to notice the change, because she thinks I am doing all of this to get her back just so I can hurt her again.
I am at a loss and don’t know what to do, to the point where I am having emotional breakdowns and going over to her apartment in the middle of the night because I cannot stand being without her any much longer, and I usually break down because she always tells me to leave… quite a few times I’ve gone over there to find another man sitting on the couch with her watching movies. I don’t have evidence of a sexual affair so I cannot assume that is what is going on, but I don’t think what she’s doing is right either. I do not know what to do anymore. I have turned this over to God and asked him to help me with this and to guide her on the right path. I just don’t know how long my sanity can hold up to this torture of the heart.
(USA) Dear Broken Heart: I applaud you for your effort in turning your life over to the LORD. This is certainly a turn in the right direction. You will need to keep your focus on GOD to help you see the pain clearly that you inflicted on your wife. Although you have changed in the past three months, you have hurt your wife more during the three years that you have been married. You will have to give her time. She is hurting and with that hurt, her feelings have changed.
I can say this because I, too, have been handling my marital woes in the same way as your wife. My husband is staying with his parents and he has our two year old son. I have been at partying trying to escape the pain of his infidelity and as a result of the infidelity, job loss. This is certainly not helping my pain, but allowing me to escape for a minute. This is what is going on with your wife.
I can’t make a promise that your wife will come back but you will have to give her time. You can’t put a time frame on how long she will need, but you have to give her space. I would suggest that you stop going over there on a regular. Take time to deal with your inner demons that caused you to physically abuse her. Reflect on the causes of this behavior, so that you will not repeat it in your current marriage or future ones should this one dissolve.
I pray that the LORD blesses you and and your wife to reconcile. However, if not, you still have to get yourself together so that you can go on and be successful for your child. Be blessed.
(USA) She gave you a second chance and you blew it. For some people a second chance is too many. No matter how many times you tell someone you’re sorry it is meaningless. You need to get counseling before you do something you really regret. You’re hurting bad and you need help.
(USA) I really need help. I have been married for 23 years we have 3 children. I thought my life was perfect until 3 months ago. Then I hear those word I love you but not in love with you. I been so hurt. He was always so good to me I didnt realize I was dragging him down with everyday life. He has friends he talks to on the internate and I can’t help but be jealous of her. They live thousands of miles apart. But I have really tried, except I’m always bringing her up at least everyday. Please help me.
(UNITED STATES) I am in the same situation. My wife of 7 years says the same thing. I am praying more than sleeping for her to come back to me. I will pray for you please pray for me
(USA) Okay, I’ve told my husband that I’m not in love with him anymore & it’s not because there’s someone else! The fact is we’ve been together since he was 16 & I was 17. We got married when he was 19, a month shy of the birth of our son. No one pressured us. We wanted to. However, I knew that he had cheated on me before I married him & married him anyway. Why?? Because I was “IN LOVE”.
Well, the cheating never stopped. I even divorced him & remarried him because he was going to treat me right. Well, I’m now 30 & I just caught him in yet another affair. Now that first affair I caught him almost killed me emotionally. I’ve never known pain like that. This time it made me mad more than anything. I’ve fallen out of love with him because he is a chronic cheater, he used to be abusive, but stopped when I started calling the police on him and he can’t hold down a job. I’ve more or less closed myself off emotionally from him so I won’t get hurt like he use to hurt me. I’m a Christian, he’s not. I’ve been patient, kind, long suffering and all that jazz. I do compliment him and we still have sex 4-6 times a week (even when he was cheating). What else can I do?? I don’t ask that much of him and what I do ask, he falls short of delivering that. I feel used and stuck. Now what?? What do I do; what can I do?
(AUSTRALIA) I have been married to my husband for five years out of an eleven year long relationship. 2 mths after knowing each other I fell pregnant with our first child and then had our 2nd less than a year after. We struggled during the early years, juggling our children and the everyday pressures that our new lives required. During those years my partner (at the time not yet husband) spent more weekends out with his mates than he ever made the choice to with us. I felt abandoned by him, left alone to deal with being a parent. We were partners and yet I spent way too much time partnerless. I felt so much hurt and resentment toward him that the feelings became bitter and angry.
We fought a lot and in front of our girls to the point of it, one day getting out of control. He threatened me with a knife during a fit of rage one night, and cut himself and bled all over the house. My daughter woke during the fight and it just threw me for six.. it was like all my nightmares had come true –my baby witnessing something so violent, mummy crying and with no control of the situation. I put her back to sleep and he continued to mouth off at me, I cried in disbelief. I just could not believe that we had reached this all time low.
To top it off I found out I was pregnant with our third child, a son. I couldnt stay in the relationship any longer knowing that this man was the example I had for our son. I told him that exactly, trying to let him down gently and not wanting to create another scary outburst. I finally got him to agree with me. He knew that the situation had gotten out of control so he let me leave peacefully with our daughters.
Weeks later we began trying to fix our broken home by taking time out for each other, going out on dates and family days out. It felt nice, but I wasn’t a hundred percent sure on how long it would last.
During the time of our separation I began attending church and later on, a cell group and another group for women. My son was born by this time and I felt awesome being reunited with the Lord once again. I was raised in a Christian household growing up and I once shared a beautiful friendship with Jesus… so I was well aware of why the things that were happening in my life were happening. Living outside of God’s law will surely attract some pretty messy situations. But what builds character is coming through them with his help.
Although I was rebuilding a relationship with the Lord my partner did not share the same comitment with me, so I began to pray for him as I prayed for some of the troubling questions I had in my heart. I loved him but I was not sure that he was the man for me, I asked God if he is not of God then how is he for me?
The Lord gave me a vision. I saw my husband to be as a child. He sat in the fields while his Nan gardened…the Spirit of God shone down upon him letting me know that the seed of God had been planted in him along time ago; it just hadn’t come fourth yet. The vision moved along showing me him as an adult, on his knees praising God as he shone down on him. He had given himself to the Lord. Then the good Lord showed me a couple of other things that explained why he was the way he was… things that drew back to childhood and even to his father’s childhood that all tied into the cycle he continued in his own life. It was obvious that God had plans for him from the beginning and it was obvious that he had a lot of healing to pass through. I took that vision and claimed it in Jesus’s name!! Amen. The Lord confirmed my questions with answers so solid that I hadn’t a doubt in my mind it was going to happen.
Not too long after, I began to see the vision unfold. He slowly began to come to our cell groups and eventually ended up in tears confessing his sins to the Lord. The whole group stood excited as we witnessed our prayers being answered. It was only a matter of months then that we got married and only a year after that we both fell backwards slipping back into the world. We had lost our way for five long hard history repeating itself years, and then just recently I have come back to the Lord again… this time my paitence grow extremely slim with waiting for my husband to return as the head of our family. The feelings I had in the past have intensified toward him and I hold onto my marriage by a thread.
Luckily, through prayer I came across this site which has taught me the true meaning of Love. My eyes have been opened to some answers that I have been seeking for such a long long time. Yet again, in my time of need, the Lord has come through. I hold on to that vision still and I hold close the advice given here tonight… and I will be practicing acting out love rather than depending on a mere feeling! I can’t believe that I was going to act on the feeling of giving up! I realise now how the enermy was using our situation to break us down… I guess he won’t be too pleased to know that I have a new weapon in my grasp… THE WORD!
(USA) I was married for 20 years when my husband told me the same words, I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore. Few years ago I had told him that my feelings for him were changing. He was upset but instead of trying to make things better he just continued his drinking habits. I had problems with him because of his drinking. He never stopped working and he was a good father but most of the time after work he will come home and sit on the living room to watch TV and drink. Alcohol was his company and I always felted lonely around him.
I fought for my marriage, to learn to love him again. I did fall in love with him again but three years ago he was the one that stopped loving me. He was cheating on me with someone else and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I told him to move out thinking that he will miss us but he didn’t. I got into a bad depression and I started to drink too. I created lots of problems for him and myself too. I used to go to his house where he was living with that other woman and he would treat me bad in front of her.
I divorced him in 2009 and we made peace between us because of the kids. I still miss him but I guess what bothers me the most is why I was able to learn to appreciate him and love him again and he couldn’t do the same for me. I don’t want to sound selfish but I struggle every day to support my family and I cry sometimes when I remember how he treated me in front of her.
He looks so different now. He is not the man I married 20 years ago, and he is with a woman that is totally the opposite of me. Now he has a one year old boy and work 6 days a week then he goes home to cook for her because she doesn’t cook. How he had the nerve to tell me that our marriage failed because all we did was work and never had time for each other. I’m mad because he had done so much to me and I still can’t stop loving him.
Can someone tell me if I’m going crazy, Oh! I also want to say that I no longer drink or smoke and that I read the Bible mostly every night. The Lord had helped me a lot. Sincerely, Patty
(USA) Hi Patty, I understand how you must feel. He has turned out to be the husband you married but is now with another person. I know you are hurt and ask why couldn’t work between you. Look at it this way, you still have feelings about this man that you loved and tried to make it work for years but he is happy with another woman.
Love and appreciate that you did have those years, good and bad. Embrace the change, and move on to better yourself. Try and be happy for him, and happy for yourself because now you have to grow. If you don’t feel comfortable finding someone new for yourself, fill yourself with other things that you enjoy, work, children, Grandchildren, hobbies, travel. There are so many things in life to enjoy.
The most important thing is that you do not consume yourself with envy. Be happy. My husband and I have grown apart but for some reason I can’t see myself leaving him. We have too many years invested in one another. I also got married at 19, had my children before I was 25, now have grandchildren. Just like your husband my husband is a working alcoholic. It has changed the chapter in my life. I live lonely with him but happy with my family… Do you understand that? It’s confusing I know. I have never been one to tip the canoe, so to speak, I ride the waves. Peace be with you.