If your spouse says to you, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” … OUCH! You are experiencing a big OUCH to the Nth degree! Even if you’ve said those words to your spouse, I say OUCH! Those words cause a lot of pain to a lot of spouses. And it causes a lot of pain and huge upsets to a lot of families.
When those words are given, you are either the giver or the receiver of that pain. Either way there are horribly hurt feelings that are involved!
I Love But I’m Not IN Love With You
Tragically, that phrase of loving, but not being in love with the spouse is being said by marriage partners everywhere we turn. It’s like a deadly plague that is pushed out in epidemic proportions. And it’s infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness. That’s because that’s what it is!
Now, I’m not throwing verbal stones. I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage. As a result, I just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him. I concluded that I didn’t love him anymore and that this “love” would never return. All I could think was, I wanted out! So I understand the reasoning involved in saying those words. And it almost brought the death of our marriage.
Thankfully, God intervened and opened my eyes. All was not hopeless. I just thought it was. After some convincing, God then helped me to resurrect a new love—a true love for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work). And we have a deep, deep love for each other. Years before, I would never have thought that would be possible. But it was.
Because of that experience, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you, or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will benefit from what I’ve lived, and learned.
Lessons Learned
Through the things I’ve experienced it has been revealed to me that: We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone.
Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience. But when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to leave and jump into the next emotional high of “love.”
And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.
“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM. So I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But…“)
Love is more than feelings.
Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love. But you could actually be experiencing temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season. These feelings are unsustainable in the long-run if you don’t follow through with decisions to help it to grow.
A lot of this is discussed in a Today’s Christian Woman article written by Leon Scott Baxter titled, “We’ve Got Chemistry.” But I’ll sum up a bit of what he wrote in this article (and other talks I’ve heard him give on this issue). He writes:
“Why isn’t my relationship that exciting? The easy answer: because that’s ‘new love.’ That’s fresh love. That’s the love we used to have. Phenylethylamine (PEA) is one of the culprits for the excitement of ‘new love.’ PEA is a brain chemical that acts like an amphetamine (yes, the drug) during the early stages in a relationship. Your body reacts to it like it would an upper. But it’s without the harmful side effects and embarrassment of failing a urine test.
“Another effect of PEA is the release of the chemical dopamine. This little neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger that sends a message from one nerve cell to another in the brain—boosts both our energy levels and our motivation. Why do you think men write love letters and wear cologne and take showers early on in relationships? They’re being flooded with dopamine.”
Another thing that contributes to “new love” is:
“The hormone of desire. That would have to be testosterone. Dopamine is the spigot to testosterone’s faucet; but it’s not a hormone just for men. Testosterone is present in both men and women. It’s released to prepare our bodies for intimacy.”
This particular article (and other talks Leon has given) goes on to talk about “new love.” This is something we all know about. It’s exciting, and causes us to go into a euphoric state, physically and emotionally. I remember when I first thought that I was falling in love with my husband Steve. It was one of the most exciting times of my life. I thought about him all the time. I also overlooked his faults and only saw the “good” in him. It was a lovely time. Who doesn’t enjoy that kind of a ride and want to get back onto it?
Other “Contributions” to Feelings of Love
Other chemicals within us that contribute to the feelings of “love” that Leon Baxter talks about are Endorphins:
“They are the neurotransmitters our brains release to reward us for good behavior. When we win, laugh, exercise, have sex, or fall in love, endorphins are released. They’re the reasons why we want to continue winning, laughing, exercising, having sex, and falling in love. Endorphins motivate and energize us. They make us feel happy and alive. Additionally, they allow us to cope with stress easily.”
There’s also, Serotonin:
“It’s a neurotransmitter that women produce during the ‘romantic love’ phase. Serotonin eases women, relaxing them, allowing them to feel comfort, contentment, and optimism. But that’s only true if their husbands give them the opportunity.”
Two other chemicals that contribute are:
“The cuddle chemical …a pleasant side effect of increased serotonin is the release of oxytocin. This little bugger is just phenomenal. It’s been called ‘the hormone of love,’ and ‘the foundation of romance.’ It’s even called ‘the key to lasting relationships.’ And, get this, it affects both men and women. Not bad, eh?
“Oxytocin lets us bond with the ones we love. Instead of insomniac thoughts of our love interest, we feel peacefully warm, loving, and affectionate toward him or her. The release of oxytocin is often triggered by touch. This includes a hug, back massage, even a gentle brush on the neck. But the hormone can also respond to other types of cues. This can be a whisper in the ear, a song on the radio, or a pleasing fragrance. When oxytocin is doing its job, we feel the need to romantically or intimately touch the one we love. And this in turn, releases the flow of the hormone in your mate.”
New Love
When you look at all of this going on within our bodies, it’s no wonder why “new love” can be exciting. We’re on a bio-chemical high — one that scientist believe starts to dissipate “somewhere after one-and-a-half to four years.” It’s a time when “the body grows used to these natural stimulants that bombard our systems during ‘new love.’ When that happens, love changes.”
It has to, our bodies couldn’t take the continual high. But much of this chemical stimulation can still be experienced, plus new, more satisfying feelings can be lived out with your spouse, if you do the things that triggered the Oxytocin, and seratonin and such, that we first experienced when we “fell” in love. We’ll talk about that a bit further down in this article.
I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. It’s easy to see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love.”
She wrote:
“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind. You may sleep with a shirt left behind, or listen to a song that reminds you of him or her. Perhaps you’ll listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.
“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning them into positives (‘He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).
“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)
After the Infatuation Passes
Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.
After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.
As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:
“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”
And it sure wasn’t enough for us —at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.
It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:
Love is both a noun and a verb.
In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.
Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient“, “kind“, “does not envy“, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.
What IS Love?
“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Fertel)
Noun and a Verb
God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith to grow true love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I still needed to be loving in my actions, even though I wasn’t experiencing the feelings of love. As I did that, eventually the feelings did come along for the ride. I decided to do things for Steve, “as unto the Lord” and trust God for the result. I needed to exercise mature love. This is the type of love that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.
“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love —and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.
“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Fertel)
I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help.
I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for. It’s all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses. They thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well. As a result, our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.
It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.
A Journey
For me, it was a journey that God took me on to learn what real love was all about. I needed to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways. Then I learned more about my husband, and worked on my own issues. I became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.
I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:
“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?
“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. Also, it means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the web site article titled, “Fall in Love with Your Spouse Again”)
Something marriage expert, Mort Fertel says applies as well:
“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).
I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir.” You may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.
Your Journey
I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for your pain. It may be that you need to keep asking God to show you how to endure without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.
I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible. They probably saw no end in sight to their situations. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.
Not Giving Up
I think of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert. Then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (despite continual discouragement), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed; and prayers were answered.
I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold. History records how close they came to victory. But someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. That’s because they gave up JUST before the going got good.
What I Can Tell You
I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. But I do know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
God is Here for You
I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect. God’s ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.
When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.
He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.
Don’t Have All the Answers
This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.
Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following Crosswalk.com article may help you better understand this concept:
• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love
Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors. I’d like to pass them along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation. Eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.
When a person says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you,” not only is it emotionally traumatizing for the person on the receiving end of those words, but it’s also confusing. “Where did their LOVE run off to?” And “how can I make sense of all of this?” And “what do I do about the love I feel for my spouse now that he/she says ‘I don’t love you?'” can be a few of the many, many questions that come up.
Other Issues
The spouse who is delivering this horrible message to the other spouse is actually wrestling with other issues:
“The excuse ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is nonsensical. Let me tell you why. There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy.
“What you’re really feeling and should be saying is ‘I don’t want to love you anymore.’ It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.
“The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have.'” (Angie Lewis from the Beyondprose.com article titled “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You Anymore)
As I said before, feelings can come and go.
“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Fertel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.” …You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)
Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Do What It Takes
IF eventually, your spouse will listen to reason, and will put effort into making your marriage work once again, you both need to do what it takes to bring love back into your everyday lives with each other.
“The key to love is attention. More specifically Brett Williams, the author of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married: Love-Based Solutions for Couples
, believes that love is the free gift of our attention. ‘When couples are dating they bring all kinds of attention to each other on a daily basis. As a result, their love is never stronger. But after the vows are given, the pair stops pursuing. Their attention is instead turned toward their careers, their new family, and taking care of the home. This is when their love becomes starved for attention. And this is where the feeling of closeness begins to wane.’
“’Intuitively everyone understands this relationship between love and attention. This is so much so that the words are used almost interchangeably. Therefore in order to reconnect they need to bring attention to one another. What they need is a weekly date night.
“’A movie and dinner is not going to cut it. The way couples typically date brings very little attention. For the dates to be effective in creating closeness they must follow the principles that govern love/attention:
1) Attention is drawn to novelty
2) Energy grabs attention
3) Attention comes in three forms
“’A great date will contain variety, vitality, and attention in a style the other person wants.’”
Romantic Ideas
To obtain ideas to get you onto a good footing to grow your love, please visit the Romantic Ideas topic. We recommend you glean through and use that, which will help you to grow your love for each other.
Lastly, on this issue, here’s a portion of what Pastor Mark at Mars Hill Downtown Bellevue said in a sermon titled, “Friends with Benefits.” It’s something for you to prayerfully consider:
“People may fall out of repentance, but they don’t fall out of love. God tells us we can love our enemies. How? Because love doesn’t begin with or emanate from us; God is love. Even when we’re not feeling particularly friendly toward our spouse, we can still love them with the love that God gives.”
Wish
I/we wish new and true love could be infused into your spouse’s heart for you. We also wish love could develop instantly in your heart for your spouse! Unfortunately, learning to love again and anew, takes more than hopes and wishes. It takes intentionality to learn what God can and will teach to those who are willing to participate.
Steve and I can’t do much more for you than what we offer in this article and on this web site. But what we can do is point you to the One who can renew your hope. We encourage you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing. He can help in ways you may not be able to imagine.
In Closing
I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage
You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should. But you can ask God to keep your heart, mind and focus centered on doing things His way. You can ask Him to give you peace of mind in the process.
When you don’t feel in love, here’s a prayer:
“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU. I cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my marriage, You will never leave or forsake me.
“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You. You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. Please help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psalm 62:8).
Heavenly Father:
“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You. I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.
“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).
“We may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done. Yet I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).
“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
(USA) I just had my son 2 and a half months ago and this is the second time my now ex told me “he loves me, but is not in love with me.” The first time was right after our baby was born but he came back and said he didn’t mean it. I am so hurt and don’t understand why again? He says he just does not feel the same and can’t make it work. Why? because my body changed? Because he can’t be first anymore? Because he is stressed finacialy? He doesn’t give me an answer. Why do I still love him? I feel so lost!
(UNITED STATES) I think I could do falling in love again but problem is… I am not sure I have ever been in love with my husband. I mean I do remember feeling like that a few times and was very excited about it but it went away only stays for a few weeks or months then gone. I didn’t feel it when we first got together but it came later.
Anyway, this eats at me everyday… but I had prayed that God would send somone that loved me unconditionally and I didn’t have to guess and then I met him. He is such a godly man and I would hurt him terribly if I ended things. We have a 1 year old little girl …I so want to build safe home for her and stay together but I want to wake up and be in love with him. Sometimes I wake up and my heart feels like a brick and I realize no butterflies exist…I am petrified I might meet someone else who will make me have that warm feeling. My question is CAN GOD HELP ME FALL IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND NOT AGAIN BUT ….AT ALL???
(USA) I have been married for nearly 20 years. We have 3 beautiful children from 12 to 18 years. This Febuary 1st she spoke those words. “I love you, but I am NOT in love with you. I thought until that moment we were a loving family. Now nearly 12 years later she confessed she was having an affair and it was confirmed by her and her lover. I forgave her and forgot about it. We repaired our marriage and life was good. I find myself in the exact same situation today, again.
I love my wife with every once of my being. She recently got a job, after 18 years as a stay at home mom and wife. Soon after starting this job, she placed us in 2nd position, and all her time and energy into the job. She has foresaken all of her home responsibilities and has placed her children and me as 2nd priority. So much that she does not cook, clean, nor even pick up the kids. We barely see her only in the mornings. I am now the Mom and Dad and have been so for nearly 6 months.
I try talking to her but she will not open up, She is not the person I married nor the mother of our children any more, so much so, that the kids have complained to me. I have asked her to go to counseling but she will not respond. She has alienated all of her close friend and even her mother and sister to the point that she will not speak to anyone, only her new found friends at her job.
I asked her to quit her job and come back home, but will not. She is never home anymore. She works 17 hours a day every day since September. I am truly worried for us. I pray that God gives me the strength and courage to hang on. I don’t want to lose her. She is my life. We have been happly married even after the cheating, at least that’s what I have been lead to believe.
I do not understand her recent life change. She is 47 years and good looking. I believe that she has been hanging out with the wrong people. They are mostly divorced ladies and young women. She even is going to bars with them. This is so out of character. Please pray for us. Andres
(USA) Well, my husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have three wonderful kids together. But a couple of days ago I asked him if he was IN LOVE with me and he told me that he LOVES me but that he is not IN LOVE with me. Now I feel like our whole marriage and relationship was a lie. He told me that the reason why he is not IN LOVE with me is because he doesn’t know how it feels to be IN LOVE with someone. Now I am so heart broken that I don’t know what to do.
I am so in love with my husband but I don’t want us to be together if we both are not on the same page. What should I do? He also said that it’s not me, it’s him, and to give him time. But I gave him 10 years already. How many more years am I supposed to give him. My heart just can’t take it anymore. SO IF THERE IS ANYBODY OUT THERE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME? PLEASE HELP ME.
Shemekisa I am not, nor ever was married so I may not be the best qualified to help you, but I do have a suggestion for you. You said that your husband believes that he doesn’t know how it feels to be in love. My suggestion would be to show him exactly that.
If he would be open to the idea, I would use the Bible, and show him the love Jesus has for us. If that is not something he would care for, show him the love of animals. I think of carrying pidgions for example. It is not until one pidgion finds a mate that the bird is useful as a carrier. For no matter how far you split the two birds up, once released they will fly as far as it needs to, so it can be with its mate again.
Another Idea is to wash his feet for him. Be the example and show him by your love what loveing another is. Yes, you claim you love him, but now you need to show him more than ever what that love looks like. There is a movie out called Fireproof which may help you, or even better the book that was inspired by the movie, The Love Dare
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(UNITED STATES) Last night my husband of almost 4 years said that while he loves me he doesn’t feel anything else. He feels numb. We’ve been together for 6 years. And I’m just at a loss. I love him as much as I did the day we got married.
He says that he’s trying to feel something again and it’s going to take time. But I have no idea what to do or how to interact with him anymore. It’s hard to go through our day to day routine knowing he feels nothing. Can anyone help me?
(USA) I have been maried for 16 years. As any marriage, we have had our ups and downs. 4 years ago my husband cheated on me. It wasn’t sexual, only emotional, but it still tore my heart. I got through that and worked at our marriage. We had recovered and things were good.
One day, 6 months ago, my husband tells me he is not sure if he is in love with me. He doesn’t want to be committed. He wants to come and go as he pleases without having to tell me when and where. AT the same time, he says he wants to try to get back that “it” feeling and that “love”feeling and try to save our marriage.
We don’t sleep in the same room and have very little physical contact, no hugs, carresses or kisses. Is it over, is this just a midlife crisis? I want to save my marriage. What can I do?? Is there hope if I am the only one really trying?? He refuses therapy or counseling or talking about it. How can I bring back that love we once had? I know it is there, or else he would have walked out by now. How can I convince him it is there and to let it out again?
(USA) My husband first told me he was not “in love” with me about a year ago. I was devastated and learned he had been carrying on an inappropriate text relationship with a girl from his past.
We met with our pastor that evening and agreed to keep trying to work things out. In my mind I think that meant that he would change his behavior toward me. I changed nothing about me and expected him to make up for his mistakes.
A few months later he told me he still was not feeling “in love.” At that point my actions changed slightly. I went out of my way, not to put him first, but to make sure he noticed all the wonderful things I was doing for him. This too, surprisingly did not work. A while after this I began to pray for God to “fix” him. Make him more affectionate, more understanding, more perfect. The more I prayed for this the more God showed me my own mistakes. I began to pray for God to make me worthy of my husband’s love. I realized that most of my actions were reactions to how I felt about how he was acting. I was waiting for him to earn my devotion and loyalty. It just doesn’t work that way.
I desperately wanted my marriage to work so I decided to be the kind of person I was looking for in him. I kept a positive attitude, made a hot meal every night, ironed his clothes…although I hate to iron and never iron my own things.. I am a big fan of throwing it back in the dryer for 10 minutes lol… I supported him in his school work, as he decided at 35 to finally go to college. I prayed and read the Bible and stood by him, asking God for the strength to keep it up even when I saw no reaction from my husband.
Then, almost 2 weeks ago my husband woke up on a Tuesday and asked for a divorce. He said the changes in me were amazing, that he had never seen anything like it, but that he still did not love me, and in fact he only cared for me as a “friend.” I was devastated. I still am. I do not know where to go from here. I left our home that night and have been praying every day since for God to help me be strong and to help my husband to see that we can be truly happy again. I have asked my husband if he is willing to commit to one year. One year where we both do everything in our power to make this work. He is skeptical about it and said he will get back to me, but I am afraid to be optimistic.
I guess mostly what I am doing on this site is looking for people to pray for us. He has 3 children from a previous marriage who I love very much and everyone is hurt by this. His 11 year old son is refusing to even speak to him. So any advice or prayers you can offer will be greatly appreciated. I made many mistakes as a wife, but I am learning from them and am not ready to give up my family.
(USA) My wife has asked me recenly to move out. She has told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and that she never did love me. She had all kinds of excuses why, and that she was seeing a, what I call, head shrink and they told her that I was the problem and for her to tell me to get out. But here a few weeks ago I texted her and told her the divorce papers were ready for her to sign. She told me that she didn’t want to rush into anything to find out later it was a mistake.
What can I do? I have been praying long and hard seeking every possible answer for this trouble she is having. It has been 3 months now as we approach our 2nd year of marriage. I loved her so deeply when we got married. On that day is when we became one. I have tried to talk to her and she won’t answer back. When I said I do I have always stood by her through thick and thin. She just says she has a lot of bad things in her head.
I need to know what to do besides just sit around and twirl my thumbs. If anyone can help me please e-mail and give me some hope that this marriage can be saved. I am a strong believer in Christ and I do believe she is too, but she didn’t show me that the day, she had me move out.
(USA) I am sorry for your pain. I am in a similar situation with my husband. He asked for a divorce, but then offered to put it off so I could still be covered by his insurance while I went back to school full time. Mixed messages are so frustrating! I am stumped too. Do I take him up on his offer and remain married (technically) or do I tell him that I cannot be strung along?
The decision I have made for now is to honor my vows. I am still his wife, so I will treat him with love and respect. He does not have to earn these things from me. I have moved out of our home, but I am still living up to my promises to him to be faithful and a positive part of his life. I’m not doing this because he deserves it, I am doing this because whether we work this out or not, when it is over, I want to be able to say that I did my very best up until the end. It is so important for me to know that in God’s eyes, I was a good wife. If he chooses to proceed with the divorce that is his decision. I have made it clear that it is not my wish and we are NOT AGREEING to divorce.
As long as at the end of the day, I am comfortable with my actions then no matter what happens I do not have to carry the guilt of a failed marriage around with me for the rest of my life. I don’t know if this will help you or not, but it has been a weight off my shoulders. Just knowing that regardless of how the world around me acts, that I have been honorable and kept my word means everything. It lets me know that even if my husband’s heart does not change, I will be okay because God is on my side. It may sound tacky, but at times I can almost hear God whispering in my ear when I struggle. He says, “This is the hard part. But it’s going to be okay…I’ve got you.”
I wish you the best with your wife and I will be praying for you. God Bless and keep fighting the good fight!!
(USA) This post was very helpful. I was the one who told my husband I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I do love him, he’s a wonderful man but I don’t feel the way a wife should feel towards her husband and while he is a pretty good looking guy, I’m not really that physically attracted to him. I have never cheated, I’m very loyal, nor has he, however I can’t help but think of how things were in past relationships. A woman longs for her man to adore her and sometimes he thinks he’s showing her he does, but she doesn’t feel he is and therefore isn’t meeting her needs.
We are very good friends but I sometimes feel like we are roommates and not a married couple. I just keep praying for God to work a miracle in our marriage, we’ve been together for nearly 5 years and I’ve felt this way most of that time but I’m not giving up!
(USA) Lisa, So what you are telling me is that you don’t feel “that way” about your husband. But because he’s not meeting your needs it’s his fault. After all, you talk about how he’s not meeting your needs, and about how you long for him to adore you. What does he long for that you are not doing? What needs of his are you not meeting? What one thing can you do today to meet one of his needs that you are not meeting? What one thing can you do today to demonstrate to him that you are more than just his roommate? What one thing can you do today to demonstrate that he’s your lover, your friend, and the only man you want for life?
You are here, so you get to go first. Don’t just sit here and lament that he’s not meeting your needs. Get out there and change your approach, change your thinking, take action. Feelings will follow the actions. If you don’t act, you won’t feel what you want to feel.
(USA) I agree that you cannot fix a marriage by waiting for God to work a miracle. In my situation that is what my husband was doing. He just kept moping around talking about how unhappy he was, and because of this, I was unhappy too. I hit my knees and prayed for something to change. NOTHING did. Until I realized that I was not waiting on God, He was waiting on me!!
From the moment this hit me I became a different person. I acted in love toward my husband. I did all I could to be a true and good wife to him. When he came to me and asked for a divorce I asked him why and he said once again… “I’m just not happy.” At this point I got a little angry with him and pretty much told him it was not my job to make him happy, and that if my happiness depended on his behavior I would still be miserable too, but I was determined to be a loving and happy person no matter how he acted.
We separated that night. I moved 3 states away but remained in contact with him almost constantly. I kept my vows and remained faithful and loyal and loving in my actions. 6 weeks later he called me and asked me to come home. I did, of course, because I had promised myself that if my marriage ended it was NOT going to be my fault.
My husband has since realized that I was not the reason he was unhappy. He is getting counseling and we are also being counseled together at our church. The main thing we have both learned is that NO ONE can EVER MAKE YOU HAPPY!!! You have to do that for yourself and it starts with choosing to love the things that you have. And it is a choice. Every day now we say, “This life is not perfect, but its good and it will keep getting better as long as we make it that way.”
We make every effort to be kind to each other and I am amazed by just how much that helps!! As far as the “in love” feeling… it comes and goes as it will continue to do forever, I suspect. I have known very few couples for whom this is never an issue, but one of the best things about marriage is that when you fall out of love, it keeps you together until you fall back in… but it takes work. I love my husband very much, and he loves me too. I believe that feeling came back because we put the effort and action behind the words. Now I don’t just say “I love you,” I make sure he can SEE it and FEEL it in our everyday lives.
(USA) My wife left me and the process of divorce is taking place since the separation 8 months ago. She told “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”. We tried reconciliation and moved back together. The first 3 weeks was great. And then for whatever reason, it appeared her heart was just not in it anymore and she left. After 6 wks or so we began to communicate the other night but the communications was all about splitting up the marital assets.
For me, I know there will be life after divorce and yadie, yadie, yadie. I don’t accept getting a divorce. Even before I look to God for his guidance, my heart and soul keeps reminding me of the inherent wrong in getting a divorce. Yes, I do love my wife and I am in love with her. I have no doubt that God is speaking to me as he guides me to take a stand against the divorce. Of course I’m worried about losing assets and the longer we remain headed towards the final divorce, the less I care about it.
I’ve hired an attorney after she retained one and filed for divorce.That’s what everybody does–Right? We’re working to put together our case. Just like the marrital assets, the longer we’re in separation and headed to final divorce, the less I care about my case.
Thank God for helping me to realize and know I’m not taking a stand against the divorce in order to suit any selfish discomfort, to save “my” assets, or for any other selfish or self centered reasons. I’m taking a stand because I believe, in God’s eyes, the divorce is wrong. Its of the world and not of God. Its man’s way to seemingly camouflage evil. Its a easy way out when one spouse is unsure, stressed, having difficulty, etc, etc. Regardless, I’m not falling for it and will continue seeking God’s Will.
I would appreciate any comments, advice or counsel.
(UNITED STATES) I have known my husband for 23 years. He is 22 years younger than me. We started living together 12 years ago and just married 3 yrs ago this August. I thought something was wrong with him because he wasn’t acting the same with me. Of course, I thought he was cheating and when confronted him, he told me that he wasn’t cheating but that he has been thinking about our relationship for a long time. Years!! When I asked him, does he still love me, he said it depends on what kind of love. So I said, are you still in love with me? He told me he didn’t want to hurt me but that he loves me, but is not in love with me anymore.
Of course I fell apart crying and just felt devastated. After a week of talk, sometimes not being too nice to each other, on what we said, he told me that he really couldn’t leave right now because neither of us had the means to leave. I just got out of a very serious illness in December, kidney failure, and am still trying to get better so, this was not a good time for me to hear this.
He told me that he would stay for about 8 mos and get the house ready to sell, then we can split our profits and move on without each other. I am 64 years old, have no money, and no where to go. I will never be able to afford to buy a home so I feel like I am being thrown out in the cold. I did get him to see a counselor and he came home and told me she didn’t need to see him anymore because he was not confused about his feelings. He said he thought about this for years and realized that we didn’t start out the right way in our courtship, and we don’t have anything in common.
I asked him to give us another chance and I would make the adjustments to help our marriage. He said he couldn’t do that, so now we are living together and I am in pain everyday seeing him and not being able to show him how much I love him. I do take blame for a lot of this. What I did in our marriage by not listening to him though the years about how he felt, I didn’t take into account, how serious he felt. I have turned to God for help because I don’t know what else to do.
(UNITED STATES) I recently found out my husband has had a few unhealthy friendships with women, texting all hrs, meeting secretly talking on phone, but barely has time to talk to me. He has done this for 23 out of 24 yrs of our relationship. He says it’s not sexual. He blames me because he says he can’t talk to me because the way I respond. He lies about simple things and goes out of his way to tell me he is somewhere else than where he is.
He says he loves me but lost that emotional piece of it. He developed an emotional relationship with a 26 yr old at the time. She is now 30. He said no sex was involved; they were just friends. When I asked him to call her in front of me he said he ended it. But after 3 months he admitted he was more emotionally involved and she means something to him. She listens without judging him; she is his peace and will not make that call. Did I mention he met her at a strip club?
We started having sex again but he will not let me touch him in any way at all. He said it feels funny, wierd etc. He has had 3 very serious emotional friendships over the yrs along with many, many friendships. I believe this young girl feeds his ego and he is in lust and has let this break whatever he had for me.
I believe he will never get it back; he really doesn’t try, and I am so confused. We have worked very hard over the yrs, have 2 businesses and are very set as far as finances. He makes sure these young girls see he is successful. It’s usually bartenders or strippers and he tips them VERY well. He has been very mean to me since I exposed everything. I feel he intentionally is pushing me. I just don’t understand how he can say I love you, but I don’t have what you need of me.
All the responses I have read, are like my situation. Is it just a cheating man making excuses? It looks that way.
(USA) I just heard those words after 13 yrs. We have been separated for one week and I refused to take his calls during this time. I only called yesterday because I heard he started having chest pains after I blew him off when he called about my air conditioner. It was so bad that my oldest son had 911 ready. What he did not realize is I was crying for the first time in a week and quickly ended the conversation. He was expecting us to be friends.
I cannot handle that at this point, but I agreed to be civil. When I called I am not sure what I expected, I guess more lies and avoidance. I was shocked to finally have a heart to heart after years of dancing around the issue of our marital problems. Then the words that struck me like a lightening bolt. I have cried for the last 24 hrs and finally decided I should let go. I think maybe he never loved me, or maybe I am just not good enough anymore.
Should I let go this easily? I am so confused. From all of the signs it would point to him having an affair. He of course, denies this.
Since our separation I see no signs of another woman. In fact, he had one of our sons for the weekend. Is he cheating? Did I push him to this? Or is he hurting and said those words to get back at me? I asked him to leave after a night where he raged kicking the walls, all because he claims he could not sleep. I felt I just opened the door to ending our marriage that he never had the nerve to open himself.
Tomorrow will be the first day we have seen each other in 9 days. We are meeting tomorrow to talk about bills, visitation, and property. I know it sounds soon, but we have some things that cannot wait and others that should. I really honestly feel the need to get it over with. I thought this separation is what I wanted and he would be happy. In fact it was way too easy for me to do. I shut my feelings in for a long time. Only when I heard those words yesterday did I finally realize that I am still in love with him.
Tomorrow would be our 9 year wedding anniversary, maybe I picked a bad day to do a business deal with him. I am hoping I can be strong and stop the tears.
I believe I was meant to find this site. My husband has been hanging out with his best friend (a huge influence in our problems). I have found myself very alone, praying to God to take this pain away. My children are starting to blame me. I read the articles here today and just finished taking my wedding bands and saying a prayer.
“I thought this is what I wanted Lord. I am so confused. He sounds miserable, not the happy I expected. He says it is over. If we are meant to be together Lord, please heal this marriage and the next time we place these bands on our fingers for it to be for life. Please help at that point for our marriage to be stronger than it has ever been where no one can come between us. Help us to find the love and for it to be stronger than anything we have ever felt. If we are not meant to be please ease the pain.”
Thank you again for this site, I feel I am not alone or crazy.
(CANADA) Dear Confused, You are not alone… I pray for your faith in the Lord to be ‘fanned into a flame”… Faith operates by believing God-agreeing with what He say ahead of time… Our faith in His work on our behalf, begins His work on the “inside” of us before any changes on “the outside” (other people, or our environment) are evident. The process begins with releasing your heart to Him, to say, “Jesus, I believe that You are who you say You are, and that Your Word and Your ways are true and they bring life! Jesus I want to bring my life into agreement with You.”
I am releasing prayer for you today that you would be able to look over the prayers of the posted article, and listen for God’s word to you. Is there a promise there that seems to stand out to you? Take that promise and agree with God about it, then ask Him what He wants to do to begin to bring your life and your marriage into agreement with Him.
After you have set your heart to agree with God and follow His ways then ask the Lord to prepare you to have a “heart-to-heart” discussion with your husband. Ask your husband what he wants in your relationship. Ask him what he thinks you have to do to begin to heal your marriage. Ask him if he would be willing to look at some of the resources on this site and what God has to say about marriages and relationships. Ask him if he would commit along with you to follow the wise counsel, and agree that God will heal your marriage if you bring your will, your mind and your emotions into agreement with God.
“Father, thank you for C, her husband and their children. Jesus I ask that you would reveal yourself to C and her husband. I pray that You would break off the enemies thinking and his power to influence their thinking. If they are thinking something like, “It will never work”- that is a thought from the enemy. Help them to reject and refute that thought with Your truth: “I will Hope in God…God is always near, especially when my heart is breaking. God is not powerless to act”…
Holy Spirit, I pray for you to give them understanding of the power of Your Word to come in and transform their hearts and their minds. Lead them through the Psalms where they can hear David’s struggles and then see how David trusted You God. You are there for us in the same way. Your love never fails. Thank you Father that Your ways always bring healing and life… What the enemy intends for evil, You will turn to good if we will turn to You, trust You and come into agreement with Your ways. Thank you for Your great love through Jesus Christ, Amen.”
(USA) How wrong you are; not everyone is having an affair. It has been 9 years that my husband said to me that he didn’t want to make love to me any more. I cried for over a year thinking it was my physical appearance or someone else. I had to cope the best way I know how and that was to just get on with living. I took care of him, our home, our children and grandchildren. Only when I decided to seek opportunities for myself did he want to change and have his wife back.
I take our marriage seriously. I didn’t bail; I didn’t go looking for love other places but he didn’t even hug me! Now he feels I am in the wrong? It has psychologically ruined me. I am uncomfortable at the doctors! I told my husband that although I love hiim, I do not love him in that way; I just can’t.
I should say he is also an alcoholic, that still tries to function but staggers to be 365 days of the year. And no, it was that way 9 years ago… just not as bad as it is now. We bought a crypt today and I guess he felt that if I was going to spend eternity with him, I must be willing to spend it “with him”… If I wasn’t so upset I would laugh… it is so insane. I am so insane to have put up with all of this… but I don’t have it in my heart to bail on him. I just do not know what to do. He is about to retire. I fear things will only get worse. Help.
(USA) He is having an affair. You said it yourself, he’s an alcoholic. His affair is not with a person, but with the bottle. Not all affairs are with people. Sometimes they are with behaviors, dreams or ideas.
But they are all affairs of some sort. It could be dreams of a person different from your spouse with no one in mind or in the picture. It still has the impact of a real physical or emotional affair.
It could be an affair with the bottle. In love with the escape from reality drugs or alcohol allow for a time.
(USA) I never looked at it that way. My feelings for him has changed, maybe because of the wine. He might not have liked the way I had changed physically but if he could see himself nightly, passing out on the table, staggering across the room, maybe this is part of my problem.
Alanon is mostly people telling you that you have to put yourself first, something I have not done my whole life. I am however, trying to do just that. I have not hit my rock bottom yet. I don’t know if I ever will. There is something not said in these articles, how about the person that holds on to hope, holds on to memories, and just can’t see abandoning the person even if the love has changed? I can’t seem to figure out why I can’t do what is best for me. I would feel like a failure, guilty I had abandoned him.
(USA) Thank you Tony. I had what Oprah would call a Wow moment with those words you said. I have started a new job, not one that I wanted. But then miracles happened. I recieved a call about the job I wanted and will meet with this woman on Wednesday. I feel I have recieved this job. I am so excited.
My husband on the other hand is not doing well. I feel throughout my marriage everytime I tried to improve myself he was there to put a wrench in it. I allowed him to do this every single time. School, I quit because it was upsetting the balance of my marriage, work the same… Now this is MY time. I am not going to let him throw the wrench in again. I am too old to play this game. I love him (not in love with him) but I will be his partner just not in the wife way. He damaged that love when he did this to me 9 years ago.
Now he wants his wife back??? No, I won’t do this to myself again. It is very hard though. He says things to me in his drunken stupor every night, things that make my stomach hurt. I just feel I have to stick to my plans. He needs to quit drinking in order for me to even contemplate changing. He can be so rude and mean but I will still be here for him. I will not give up on my marriage.
I want to thank you again for you wisdom. Wish me luck on my interview. I think this new me is scaring my husband. Maybe it will scare him into changing his own life. God willing, things will look better in the future.
(USA) We have been married for almost 6 years. She just told me on October 22, 2011 that she loved me but was not in love with me. I was devastated, and I cried a couple of days. I am confused but I leave it in God’s hands. If she wants out, I want it quick so I can cut my losses. As a true Christian I will not be the one to initiate divorce.