If your spouse says to you, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” … OUCH! You are experiencing a big OUCH to the Nth degree! Even if you’ve said those words to your spouse, I say OUCH! Those words cause a lot of pain to a lot of spouses. And it causes a lot of pain and huge upsets to a lot of families.
When those words are given, you are either the giver or the receiver of that pain. Either way there are horribly hurt feelings that are involved!
I Love But I’m Not IN Love With You
Tragically, that phrase of loving, but not being in love with the spouse is being said by marriage partners everywhere we turn. It’s like a deadly plague that is pushed out in epidemic proportions. And it’s infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness. That’s because that’s what it is!
Now, I’m not throwing verbal stones. I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage. As a result, I just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him. I concluded that I didn’t love him anymore and that this “love” would never return. All I could think was, I wanted out! So I understand the reasoning involved in saying those words. And it almost brought the death of our marriage.
Thankfully, God intervened and opened my eyes. All was not hopeless. I just thought it was. After some convincing, God then helped me to resurrect a new love—a true love for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work). And we have a deep, deep love for each other. Years before, I would never have thought that would be possible. But it was.
Because of that experience, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you, or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will benefit from what I’ve lived, and learned.
Lessons Learned
Through the things I’ve experienced it has been revealed to me that: We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone.
Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience. But when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to leave and jump into the next emotional high of “love.”
And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.
“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM. So I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But…“)
Love is more than feelings.
Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love. But you could actually be experiencing temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season. These feelings are unsustainable in the long-run if you don’t follow through with decisions to help it to grow.
A lot of this is discussed in a Today’s Christian Woman article written by Leon Scott Baxter titled, “We’ve Got Chemistry.” But I’ll sum up a bit of what he wrote in this article (and other talks I’ve heard him give on this issue). He writes:
“Why isn’t my relationship that exciting? The easy answer: because that’s ‘new love.’ That’s fresh love. That’s the love we used to have. Phenylethylamine (PEA) is one of the culprits for the excitement of ‘new love.’ PEA is a brain chemical that acts like an amphetamine (yes, the drug) during the early stages in a relationship. Your body reacts to it like it would an upper. But it’s without the harmful side effects and embarrassment of failing a urine test.
“Another effect of PEA is the release of the chemical dopamine. This little neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger that sends a message from one nerve cell to another in the brain—boosts both our energy levels and our motivation. Why do you think men write love letters and wear cologne and take showers early on in relationships? They’re being flooded with dopamine.”
Another thing that contributes to “new love” is:
“The hormone of desire. That would have to be testosterone. Dopamine is the spigot to testosterone’s faucet; but it’s not a hormone just for men. Testosterone is present in both men and women. It’s released to prepare our bodies for intimacy.”
This particular article (and other talks Leon has given) goes on to talk about “new love.” This is something we all know about. It’s exciting, and causes us to go into a euphoric state, physically and emotionally. I remember when I first thought that I was falling in love with my husband Steve. It was one of the most exciting times of my life. I thought about him all the time. I also overlooked his faults and only saw the “good” in him. It was a lovely time. Who doesn’t enjoy that kind of a ride and want to get back onto it?
Other “Contributions” to Feelings of Love
Other chemicals within us that contribute to the feelings of “love” that Leon Baxter talks about are Endorphins:
“They are the neurotransmitters our brains release to reward us for good behavior. When we win, laugh, exercise, have sex, or fall in love, endorphins are released. They’re the reasons why we want to continue winning, laughing, exercising, having sex, and falling in love. Endorphins motivate and energize us. They make us feel happy and alive. Additionally, they allow us to cope with stress easily.”
There’s also, Serotonin:
“It’s a neurotransmitter that women produce during the ‘romantic love’ phase. Serotonin eases women, relaxing them, allowing them to feel comfort, contentment, and optimism. But that’s only true if their husbands give them the opportunity.”
Two other chemicals that contribute are:
“The cuddle chemical …a pleasant side effect of increased serotonin is the release of oxytocin. This little bugger is just phenomenal. It’s been called ‘the hormone of love,’ and ‘the foundation of romance.’ It’s even called ‘the key to lasting relationships.’ And, get this, it affects both men and women. Not bad, eh?
“Oxytocin lets us bond with the ones we love. Instead of insomniac thoughts of our love interest, we feel peacefully warm, loving, and affectionate toward him or her. The release of oxytocin is often triggered by touch. This includes a hug, back massage, even a gentle brush on the neck. But the hormone can also respond to other types of cues. This can be a whisper in the ear, a song on the radio, or a pleasing fragrance. When oxytocin is doing its job, we feel the need to romantically or intimately touch the one we love. And this in turn, releases the flow of the hormone in your mate.”
New Love
When you look at all of this going on within our bodies, it’s no wonder why “new love” can be exciting. We’re on a bio-chemical high — one that scientist believe starts to dissipate “somewhere after one-and-a-half to four years.” It’s a time when “the body grows used to these natural stimulants that bombard our systems during ‘new love.’ When that happens, love changes.”
It has to, our bodies couldn’t take the continual high. But much of this chemical stimulation can still be experienced, plus new, more satisfying feelings can be lived out with your spouse, if you do the things that triggered the Oxytocin, and seratonin and such, that we first experienced when we “fell” in love. We’ll talk about that a bit further down in this article.
I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. It’s easy to see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love.”
She wrote:
“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind. You may sleep with a shirt left behind, or listen to a song that reminds you of him or her. Perhaps you’ll listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.
“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning them into positives (‘He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).
“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)
After the Infatuation Passes
Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.
After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.
As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:
“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”
And it sure wasn’t enough for us —at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.
It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:
Love is both a noun and a verb.
In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.
Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient“, “kind“, “does not envy“, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.
What IS Love?
“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Fertel)
Noun and a Verb
God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith to grow true love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I still needed to be loving in my actions, even though I wasn’t experiencing the feelings of love. As I did that, eventually the feelings did come along for the ride. I decided to do things for Steve, “as unto the Lord” and trust God for the result. I needed to exercise mature love. This is the type of love that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.
“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love —and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.
“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Fertel)
I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help.
I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for. It’s all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses. They thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well. As a result, our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.
It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.
A Journey
For me, it was a journey that God took me on to learn what real love was all about. I needed to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways. Then I learned more about my husband, and worked on my own issues. I became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.
I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:
“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?
“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. Also, it means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the web site article titled, “Fall in Love with Your Spouse Again”)
Something marriage expert, Mort Fertel says applies as well:
“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).
I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir.” You may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.
Your Journey
I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for your pain. It may be that you need to keep asking God to show you how to endure without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.
I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible. They probably saw no end in sight to their situations. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.
Not Giving Up
I think of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert. Then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (despite continual discouragement), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed; and prayers were answered.
I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold. History records how close they came to victory. But someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. That’s because they gave up JUST before the going got good.
What I Can Tell You
I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. But I do know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
God is Here for You
I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect. God’s ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.
When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.
He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.
Don’t Have All the Answers
This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.
Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following Crosswalk.com article may help you better understand this concept:
• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love
Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors. I’d like to pass them along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation. Eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.
When a person says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you,” not only is it emotionally traumatizing for the person on the receiving end of those words, but it’s also confusing. “Where did their LOVE run off to?” And “how can I make sense of all of this?” And “what do I do about the love I feel for my spouse now that he/she says ‘I don’t love you?'” can be a few of the many, many questions that come up.
Other Issues
The spouse who is delivering this horrible message to the other spouse is actually wrestling with other issues:
“The excuse ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is nonsensical. Let me tell you why. There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy.
“What you’re really feeling and should be saying is ‘I don’t want to love you anymore.’ It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.
“The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have.'” (Angie Lewis from the Beyondprose.com article titled “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You Anymore)
As I said before, feelings can come and go.
“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Fertel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.” …You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)
Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Do What It Takes
IF eventually, your spouse will listen to reason, and will put effort into making your marriage work once again, you both need to do what it takes to bring love back into your everyday lives with each other.
“The key to love is attention. More specifically Brett Williams, the author of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married: Love-Based Solutions for Couples
, believes that love is the free gift of our attention. ‘When couples are dating they bring all kinds of attention to each other on a daily basis. As a result, their love is never stronger. But after the vows are given, the pair stops pursuing. Their attention is instead turned toward their careers, their new family, and taking care of the home. This is when their love becomes starved for attention. And this is where the feeling of closeness begins to wane.’
“’Intuitively everyone understands this relationship between love and attention. This is so much so that the words are used almost interchangeably. Therefore in order to reconnect they need to bring attention to one another. What they need is a weekly date night.
“’A movie and dinner is not going to cut it. The way couples typically date brings very little attention. For the dates to be effective in creating closeness they must follow the principles that govern love/attention:
1) Attention is drawn to novelty
2) Energy grabs attention
3) Attention comes in three forms
“’A great date will contain variety, vitality, and attention in a style the other person wants.’”
Romantic Ideas
To obtain ideas to get you onto a good footing to grow your love, please visit the Romantic Ideas topic. We recommend you glean through and use that, which will help you to grow your love for each other.
Lastly, on this issue, here’s a portion of what Pastor Mark at Mars Hill Downtown Bellevue said in a sermon titled, “Friends with Benefits.” It’s something for you to prayerfully consider:
“People may fall out of repentance, but they don’t fall out of love. God tells us we can love our enemies. How? Because love doesn’t begin with or emanate from us; God is love. Even when we’re not feeling particularly friendly toward our spouse, we can still love them with the love that God gives.”
Wish
I/we wish new and true love could be infused into your spouse’s heart for you. We also wish love could develop instantly in your heart for your spouse! Unfortunately, learning to love again and anew, takes more than hopes and wishes. It takes intentionality to learn what God can and will teach to those who are willing to participate.
Steve and I can’t do much more for you than what we offer in this article and on this web site. But what we can do is point you to the One who can renew your hope. We encourage you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing. He can help in ways you may not be able to imagine.
In Closing
I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage
You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should. But you can ask God to keep your heart, mind and focus centered on doing things His way. You can ask Him to give you peace of mind in the process.
When you don’t feel in love, here’s a prayer:
“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU. I cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my marriage, You will never leave or forsake me.
“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You. You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. Please help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psalm 62:8).
Heavenly Father:
“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You. I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.
“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).
“We may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done. Yet I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).
“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
(USA) We have been married for almost 4 years, knowing each other for 5 yrs. He was like the man of my dreams when I first met him and he is and was everything I was looking for.
The first year of marriage was like going true hell. We almost got divorced because we weren’t used to living together. At the same time I found out he was cheating on me with one of his coworkers, which I met as a very good friend of his.
He really broke all kinds of trust I had because I was coming from previous relations that I always got cheated on and thought he was really the one that would never do it to me. But he did.
Well I did forgive him but I didn’t forget. Every time we got into an argument I used to throw it on his face and everytime he went out with friends or got calls I always accused him of doing it again, which he said he wasn’t. I also always wanted everything to be my way and that really bothered him but he never said anything until he got diployed to Afghanistan while I was pregnant with our second child. That’s when he told me over the internet that he loves me and will always love me but he is not in love with me…
I broke down crying feeling like the world is ending for me. The baby was only like 3 weeks old and our son is 2 years old. They are always experiencing me here crying and broken down and depressed because he is coming back in a couple of weeks and he said that he is filing for divorce. He is done and nothing is going to change, no matter what …
I need help. I love him and don’t want to lose him. I want my kids to grow up with both parents around. My family is everything to me. I would do anything to fix it. It’s in the Lord’s hand but I also need advice because it’s driving me crazy. I’ve been going to therapy but it’s not helping. I want to find peace. At least when he comes back, I want to be as calm as I can be. I don’t want to be bugging him and making things worse… Please help me!
(LONDON) I don’t know what to do. I am trying to fight for our marriage.
(PHILIPPINES) I heard those words from my husband a few days ago… I was so shocked and devastated that I was not able to say anything. He said he is praying for enlightenment -whether he will still stick it out with me despite how he is feeling or whether he will just send me divorce papers. Since the time I heard those words, I have not stopped praying for him. I trust in God and I know only He has the power to change my husband’s heart. I will not stop praying for him no matter what. To those who will be able to read this post, please include me in your prayers. Thanks.
(USA) We hold you up in prayer that God will make Himself real in your life and in your husband’s and will give you peace and wisdom and hope despite your husband’s confusion. May our God minister to your needs and give you strength and hope that better days are ahead for you.
(PHILIPPINES) I need prayers please. I heard those words from my husband. He doesn’t love me anymore and he said he doesn’t need me. He just needs our children. He’s in love with his officemate, though the girl left him. My husband still loves her, and it is really devastating. It cuts my heart into pieces. I love my husband so much. I am a Christian. Sometimes I’m in a very low spirit, because it’s very painful. I’m grieving, I cannot work… I’m always crying, I felt I am the loneliness person in the world for the man I love doesn’t love me anymore. I’m always praying in despair; I’m always crying to God like a child. I can feel His comfort… please help me pray for my husband, I know, there’s nothing impossible with God. I know God can put back my husband’s love for me even better. But please pray for me to have strength. Help, help, help.
I want my husband back, even though he has an affair and is in love with somebody else, I still love him. He’s confused if what he feels for the other girl is true love, because it feels right and happy for him. He almost died when the girl left him. He almost cursed me when the girl left him. He’s very devastated… and that is more devastating for me, seeing him like that …hurting so much because of the other girl. He doesn’t love me anymore. Please, help me pray that he’ll love me back soon.
I can’t stand this for a long time. I’m afraid I’ll lose hope. I don’t see any sign that he’s changing. It’s like killing me. I’m in great pain, really, so painful, I can’t help myself but cry all the time. He even smokes now because of his disappointment in the other girl. He always drinks… though he still plays with our children. We are not like family anymore. It’s like, I’m out of place. I don’t know when I will be okay or if I’m going to be okay… I don’t know how long this will last… if this pain will end… if we will end happy and back again as family. Help please. Thanks & God bless.
(UNITED STATES) I am not sure how active this site is still, but I am hoping for some insight. I have been reading articles like this the past week, trying to make sense of it all. I know this is a lengthy rant, but I hope that someone will be kind enough to take the time to read it.
I am 23 and have been married to my husband of the same age (I KNOW we are very young, but I am looking for mature advice) for just short of a year now. Our 1 year is literally in a few weeks. We were together for about 5 years before that. When I first met him, I was madly in love with him, just as all of these articles describe. I had butterflies constantly, was always thinking about him, couldn’t picture a second of the day without him, etc.. after about 2 years, those intense feelings obviously started to fade, and I believe a deeper feeling started to develop.
This is the man I wanted to share the rest of my life with, grow old with, have a future with. But at the time I may have confused it for what everyone seems to be describing as “falling out of love.” Although I had these feelings for him, he still remained very much in love with me. After a few months of feeling like this, while even at times I felt my eyes wandering elsewhere, wondering what it would be like to be with someone else (because I missed that feeling of infatuation, I think).
I finally brought it to his attention. The way it was handled came down to us taking a “break” to see how things would settle, and it was like the minute I didn’t have him, I wanted him all over again! We got back together and suddenly those feelings of infatuation were back! But only temporarily, maybe months before I started becoming attracted to other people again. Unfortunately, I let this get the best of me this time, and ended up sleeping with his best friend, who I felt “giddy” and infatuated around the whole time. This was in turn, devastating to our relationship. I felt so guilty about it I told him the very next day. We ended up working through it, even though there were trust issues, he eventually learned to trust me again. I was very thankful for being able to work through it, although it was very hard for him.
Only about a few months later, I felt myself straying away again. I didn’t want to have anything physical to do with him. I didn’t want to have sex, I didn’t even want to kiss him or even be close to him. The thought of physical interaction with him disgusted me. I didn’t understand this because he has always been able to satisfy my sexually, there were and are absolutely no complaints about performance, in fact, he is the “best” I ever had. There wasn’t or isn’t currently anything about him that I found unattractive, I have always thought he was physically attractive. In fact, I find him more physically attractive now than I did a few years ago. But why was I having these feelings? I couldn’t believe it, after all we had been through, and the amount I had hurt him, how could I even THINK of wanting to be with another man again? As soon as I started feeling that way again, I immediately broke things off with him, once again, in order to “pursue” my urge to be with someone else so I could stop myself from being unfaithful to him. After a few months of dating others, I just felt empty and incomplete, like a piece was missing and ran right back to him and felt in love with him all over again.
This time, about 5 or 6 months after getting back together, everything was wonderful. It was like I fell in love with him all over again. It was soon after this that he decided to join the Navy because of financial issues (I had pretty much been his care taker in the past years before that), and only a few months later, was shipped off to basic training for 5 months. The time away with him was one of the worst feelings, I wanted nothing more to be with him, and the amount I missed him was like I have never missed or longed for someone ever before. I couldn’t wait to see him, and finally when that day came, at his graduation, in the drill hall, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, and of coarse, without a second though, I said yes.
We both went back home and had about 2 weeks to spend together before he would have to rush off to A-school in a different state. We decided to just have a court room marriage, because it was the easiest option financially and would guarantee that we would be able to live together in base housing after he got out of school and went to wherever he would be stationed next. After we went through with it, he left for school and the few months he was gone, I was very excited to start my new life with him when he was out. After school, it was on our way to Washington, so I prepared for the move and went with it.
When we finally got settled in, everything was going great. We were both living the life we had always wanted together. It wasn’t until only about a month later, I found myself in the same situation it had always came down to in the past. I was starting to become attracted to one of our mutual friends in Washington (also in the Navy, my husband actually went to corps school with him, and coincidentally they got sent to the same state). I didn’t act on it, or make it obvious, I just hoped it was a feeling that would pass. However, I found myself, once again, not wanting to engage in anything sexual with my husband, and on top of that, I was always so irritable around him, for no reason. We were frequently at each other, and more often than not, it would always come down to his lack of being able to communicate well, or lack of sex (which seems like very petty problems, nothing that can’t be worked through, right?).
Unfortunately, my husband had to leave for his first deployment only about 2 months after. He is still currently on deployment, and has been since July. He will be back at the end of February.
I regret to say I am now having an affair with this friend I mentioned before. We started out spending a lot of time together, initially as friends, but feelings for each other grew, mutually. It started out with a kiss, and some touching, but as days progressed and we spent more time together, we ended up having sex. It happened again, a few days later before we both tried to put an end to it, because I was married, and this isn’t something either of us would normally do, and both of us felt extremely guilty about it. Temptation was too strong, and after only a day or two, we continued on sleeping together, and as weeks and months progressed, it is to the point now where he is practically living with me.
He is really great, and I care about him a lot, He has a lot of things to offer, is a great communicator, he is fun, exciting, social, but I am not saying my husband doesn’t have great qualities either. Everyone has faults, and just because someone isn’t “perfect”, doesn’t justify a reason to divorce them. I know those types of things can be worked through.
Things have gotten really serious with the 2 of us, he has told me he has fallen deeply in love with me, as I am feeling the same way with him. He is very understanding of the situation. I talk to him openly about my husband and the way I feel about him. I keep going back and forth now, not able to make a decision. I feel like I’m missing something. Should I really be with my husband? If I choose to be with him, I realize I need to devote myself 100%. Could this be worked through? Are the feelings I keep experiencing with my husband normal? I can’t picture my life without him in it. I don’t know if it is because I am used to being with him for so long, that I am afraid to let him go. Can I really learn to love him again? Is our relationship destined to be on a much deeper level? Is the affair I am having a result of me wanting to have those feelings of infatuation again? One day I am positive I want to stay with my husband, but the next, I am so sure it will not work out and I find myself wanting to start a new life with this new person.
When I think about losing my husband, I can’t bare the fact. We are financially stable for the most part. I have a place to live, food to be put on the table, I am a full time house wife, and I have the option to work, and he supports that. At the same time, things have gotten so serious with this other man, I can’t bare the thought of losing him now. I can also see a future with him, but it wouldn’t be as secure as my husband. It would take a lot of work. I would have to find a job quickly and it would have to be secure and guarantee persistent pay. Housing would no longer be paid for by the military as I wouldn’t be married anymore.
I do have some trust issues from past relationships, and my husband is the only person I fully trust. I don’t know if I trust this new person because I don’t know him that well yet. But I could see myself being able to trust him in time. On top of that, my husband is also my best friend, and I cant bear the thought if I walk out on him, I won’t only be losing my husband, but my best friend, I also like the fact he is my best friend, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I just want to know WHY I have been feeling the way I have for so many years, and if it is too late to be able to fix things with my husband, or if I could learn to love him like I once did. Or am I just really not supposed to be with him? Why does it hurt so much and have to be SO confusing? I have really dug myself into a big hole, but I’m not sure how to get out. I always think what if I make the wrong decision? What if I choose my husband but it doesn’t work out, and I lose the other person? Or what if I chose the other person and constantly feel like there was more we could have done to help our marriage?
I am currently in therapy, and that is helping a little bit, and I plan to not tell my husband about the affair, as it will only hurt him more. Even if we decide not to stay together, I don’t want him to have trust issues with other women. I have talked with my therapist and came to the conclusion, the guilt I will carry on my own is enough, and telling him is only a selfish act of dumping my guilt and feelings on to him to make myself feel better, but only making him feel worse.
I would also like to mention, through all of this my husband has never had these same feelings as me. He is always torn every time I bring it up, and I feel bad that I keep doing it. We both know we can’t keep going in circles.
Is it possible that you can choose the person you love? If I choose my husband, could I learn to love him again? If I choose this other person, could I as well grow to love him? Is the stability, comfort, and bond I have with my husband a good enough incentive to stay with him? Or am I just fooling myself out of something else to much bigger than that? I used to think there was that that “one” person out there for everyone, but I am starting to see a little differently based on all of these articles I am reading.
I would like to add I am not a Christian, and while I respect anyone who may be, I am really just looking for solid, logical advice, and I am not really looking for spiritual guidance. Thank you!
Hi Julia, There is someone I highly recommend you contact. She is a different type of therapist, which you may GREATLY benefit from using. Her name is Michele Weiner-Davis. You can go to her web site at Divorcebusting.com and contact her that way. Even though you are talking with another therapist right now, I believe Michele would be good for you to talk to, concerning these marriage issues. It sounds like you have a great husband — one you will definitely regret losing for the rest of your life, and you will, if you keep up on the road you are on.
You’ve got some different issues to sort out, concerning marriage –some of them being impulse control, not cherishing what you have and instead looking for the continual “high,” which infatuation and indulging in that, which is “forbidden” can temporarily give you, plus maturity issues, and others, as well. Michele is very smart and I believe she can help you sort things out pretty quickly. Plus, she can guide you to some resources, which can help you beyond her immediate counsel. You may still need to work with your other counselor during or after you talk(s) with Michele, to help work on other issues. But for this “season” it would be good for you to do this before your husband comes back. So I wouldn’t delay. I believe you owe this to your marriage, to your husband (who is an innocent victim), and your future.
You sound like a really nice gal (I perceive that in between the lines of your comment) who is headed down a VERY unhealthy road, and you need to turn your life in a better direction… and fast! I hope you will contact Michele. For YOU, I think she could help & I think this could be life-changing. I hope so… I hope this for your sake and for the sake of your husband who sure sounds like an incredible guy. I wish you well!
(USA) I have been married to my husband for 10 years, although we’ve been together for nearly 18 years and we have three beautiful children. I have lost romantic feelings for my husband. I have no desire to kiss or make love to him. While I do kiss and have sex with my husband, I do so because it fulfills a need for him, but I get NO pleasure from it. I do NOT suffer from any form of sexual dysfunction, as I AM able to be pleased and long to be pleased, both sexually and emotionally.
My husband expects me to look a certain way, and while he doesn’t blatantly state it, he insinuates it in other ways to me. For example, he might comment on another woman’s body, saying, “That is so disgusting…(or)…her teeth are so yellow….I could never handle that…etc.” It’s interesting that his comments are always negative about other women. I take pride in my appearance, and I know he is proud to “show me off,” but there is no love behind this pride.
I don’t know that he does anything to love me (as the article has explained). He goes to work everyday, and while he says that he does that *for* us, I find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t work if there was no family to come home to. Regardless, I accept this offer as a notion of love, but I still expect more and I have verbalized HOW I would like him to love me and ask him, in return, how he would like me to love him, but it always results with him not being able to LOVE me in the way that I need because…[insert excuse here].
He is somewhat verbally abusive to me. Over the years, I’ve learned that he doesn’t really *mean* what he says, but the cruelty of his words still burn. For example, in the midst of an argument he might say, “I am so sick of you…I can’t take you anymore…I’m done with this”. Lately it has intensified, as he has started calling me the “B” word in the heat of the moment, and he will say these things in front of our children. I’ve talked to him several times about his negativity and meanness, but he minimizes it or justifies it, almost as though HIS meaness and negativity are my fault.
I’m finding it harder and harder to love him through this trial. I cannot take the meaness or the harshness anymore. He is NOT loving towards me at all, and then expects me to make love to him. I’m frustrated and I don’t know what to do. When I ask him what his needs are, he says the same thing everytime – sex. Ironically, I think he says this because all of his other needs are already met (by me), and he doesn’t see that (kids, house, dinner, clothes, budget, family affairs, etc.).
It’s also ironic that I hear him say (repeatedly) that I don’t love him. I don’t show him enough love. He wants me to kiss him and show him more affection. I’ve already stated that any affection I give him is something I do because he needs it, but not because I want to give it – which stems from how he treats me up to that point.
I feel hopless…
(USA) Sounds like a tough situation. Seems you are both doing the same things. He says he doesn’t feel loved, you dismiss that saying you do love him. He says he loves you, but you dismiss that he’s doing what he does out of love. He dismisses your requests to be loved the way you want to be loved as well.
So apparently you BOTH are not showing one another love the way you each want to experience it, not just him. He wants you to show affection because you love him, not out of some obligation or duty. He wants you to desire him. But you don’t. You offer the excuse that he’s not giving you what you need. You are critical because he offers excuses, but you offer yours.
The cycle must be broken, and since you are here the question goes to you, how are you going to break the cycle of your dismissal of his desires and your offering of excuses for why you will not give him what he wants?
(USA) That’s my problem -I DON’T desire him but at the same time I DON’T want to deny him his requests. I desperately wish I DID desire him, how that would help this entire situation. We are both born again Christians and uphold the Truth to His Word, but it’s quite obvious where we are falling short. I actually found this site by googling, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore,” because that’s how I feel. The article has reframed my mind set, but I’m still facing the same problem -how do I desire him, again?
It’s so very difficult to give love when someone is calling you names and screaming that they “are sick of you,” and “tired of this” (i.e. marriage). He is SO negative, about everything, the kids, my cooking, what I wear, my hair, the house, my car, etc. He has something negative to say about everything. It is a very RARE occurrence for him to say anything positive. A few weeks ago, I logged the first words out of his mouth each day he came home from work, just to make sure I wasn’t being too hard of him. Here is a summary of day one.
DAY ONE:
Me: Hi, honey!
Him: Hello.
Me: Your pillow is on the couch, but the blanket is still in the dryer (he likes to lay down when he comes home).
Him: You didn’t use that disgusting fabric softener on it, did you?
I never showed him these notes, I made them for myself, to see if I was giving him something to respond to and I didn’t do this for “score keeping” purposes, I just wanted to make sure he was as negative as I thought he was, and he is. I am t.r.y.i.n.g. to fulfill his needs, and I do so, literally, but it IS forced on my part because I just don’t want him and I don’t know how to change this.
(ENGLAND) I have said horrible words to my wife because deep inside me I know that I don’t have the passion or enthusiasm for our marriage of 10 years. I did not not marry because I was in love but rather to meet the expectations of others and as a response to enormous pressure from my patner. She is an incredibly good person and there is nothing that she will not do for me. I feel enormous guilt because I know that I have cheated on her a few times. She suspects but is not so certain that I have.
My heart is not in our relationship and the fact that we have no children does not help our cause. I am continuing in our relationship because I carry enormous guilt from past relationships, that broke down largely due to errors and carelessness on my part, and because I am afraid of what may become of her as we are both in our forties. I need help to get my mind to really love her.
You are being enormously selfish, not to mention sinning like there is no tomorrow! Why don’t you be fair to your wife and become a better person? She deserves better than what you offer her! Quit blaming everything on her behavior and start looking in the mirror! Like I said she is way too good for you!!!
(CANADA) I am one year married. My husband, I can say, is an angel to me. But because of his anger problem, my love for him become less and less. I feel like, I love him but I’m not in love with him. I am physically abusive with my husband. But because he always apologizes after the damage has been done, we really want to keep our marriage forever. I’m not the same person anymore because of the hurt and pain I am having!
Jhen, I’m truly sorry that you are having these marriage problems. If you read in the “Stages of Marriage” topic (the article, “The Marriage Map” and such), it’s not unusual to have problems your first year of marriage and beyond. It sounds like you have already crossed into “Stage 2” –which has it’s own set of challenges. You need to work through this stage –HOPEFULLY stopping the damage you’ve been afflicting upon each other and your relationship.
But one thing about all of this, abuse –whether physical or emotional, verbal or whatever is NEVER acceptable –no matter what stage you’re in, no matter what the other spouse does or doesn’t do. And even if you are or are not in “love” you NEVER resort to abusive behavior. We don’t kick dogs, cats, animals, and we certainly don’t kick or physically harm another human being –ESPECIALLY someone we vowed to love and honor for life. I need to state this as clearly as possible. Abuse is absolutely wrong. There are no excuses. Please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic, especially the article, “Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?” Whether a man is the abuser or the wife is, it’s wrong. It’s wrong even if he has an “anger problem” and this is your way of dealing with it. Yes, he needs to work on that, but under NO circumstances are you to physically abuse him.
We have articles in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic you and your husband should read and use to help with his anger issues and yours. But if you point him to read them, please don’t do it at an angry time (because it won’t be received well). And make sure you deal with conflict respectfully. I know it’s difficult, but all you are doing is causing more harm by being disrespectful in your approach. We have many “helps” for you in the “Communication Tools” topic, which you can both use to try to resolve your conflicts in more peaceable ways. Remember, the goal in resolving conflict ISN’T to get the other spouse to know your side and to be persuaded to do things your way, but to recognize each of your “sides” to the matter –to truly hear and acknowledge what each of you feels on the matter, and afterward to find a way to come to an agreement so that you build relationship bridges to help your marriage and your love to grow. You need to stop building relationship walls, rather than bridges.
And yes, I can well understand the “I love him, but I’m not in love with him” dilemma. I’ve been there. When we start damaging our relationship in toxic ways AND we don’t do what it takes to build up romance and companionship and good feelings in the marriage (as you did before you married), the feeling of “being in love” disintegrates. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t rebuild on a better foundation again and TRULY love and be in love with each other. That’s what my husband and I had to do and are continually doing and we are passionately in love with each other (when once, there was NO feeling of love).
We’re going on our 40th Anniversary in less than two months. I still get the pitter patter of my heart at times when he walks in the room. However, its taken a lot to get there and stay there. But it’s worth it! I hope you and your husband will put forth the effort it will take to build a good marriage. In your vows, you promised forever; you promised to love, no matter what. You didn’t mention abusing each other, did you? I doubt it. This stage of your marriage draws upon the promises you made to show you meant what you said and they weren’t just empty words given at a romantically set-up time.
(USA) My husband told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and then said he was just mad. I don’t believe him. I am trying but who says something so devastating and then says, I didn’t mean it? Its been almost a year and I can’t seem to get over those words. I hear them in my head every time we have a issue in our marriage. I feel very insecure in our marriage, and I have a fear that he has cheated or is thinking of it because of those words.
He gets mad every time I bring it up and try to tell him how I feel. He says I shouldn’t have to pay for the rest of his life because of those words and I need to get over it. I don’t know if I can! I can’t go on feeling this. It is tearing me up inside. Am I over-reacting and being insecure for no reason?
(UAE) My husband cheated on me and he asked forgiveness because I filed the adultery case with this other woman. I accepted my husband and we will live together again to work out our relationship, for the sake of our little son.
It is 1 month before we will live together but I still feel insecure and always doubt him. He keeps telling me that he can’t love me anymore like before because he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. I still didn’t give up even though it hurting me everyday.
I just cry night and day, hoping one day our relationship will be ok one day. I love my husband and I don’t want to give him up even if he doesn’t love me anymore, even though we are fighting everyday. My feelings for him are still the same. Even though we are hurting each other. Even though he doesn’t have respect for me anymore I still want him, for the sake of my son… Im asking myself, until when this feeling?
(ITALY) Amen! Amazing article. All the answers are there! Thank you!
(USA) Yes, I also heard those words “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. Indeed OUCH!! My husband came home late one evening and out popped those words. Took him months to get up the courage to move out, but he did it. He’s been gone for 2 months now. There was absolutely nothing I could do once he made his mind up to leave. We’ve been married over 20 years and I never questioned his love.
He says he’s not ready for any kind of attempt at reconciliation right now. He just needs his space and has even commented he likes living alone. So life goes on for me and my 3 kids while we wait for him to decide what’s going to make him happy. I have found great strength in this web site but for some of the women years and years they’ve waited??? Really? That just seems to be a waste of your spirit and the life God has given you.
Trust me, I want nothing more than for my marriage to be put back together and I can’t even imagine life without him but there has to come a point when enough is enough. When they refuse to try counseling or any other means of self help and are happy being the conductors of their own train wrecks- how do you just wait it out???
I’ve only been doing this for a few months and the pain of continually being shut out and being told I’m just not feeling it, I don’t love you that way, makes it feel like he’s spitting in my face every single time. I ask for your prayers because I understand this is my weakness. It’s much easier to give up and just go file for divorce just to get it over with.
Yes, I know that pain will be 100 times worse but I would feel momentarily better by being the one in charge. It seems so pitiful and pathetic just waiting for him to decide the outcome of our marriage and our family based on how he’s “feeling”!!! Poor communication was the breakdown of our marriage and not spending enough time together. So to me living in 2 separate households is just going to make this worse and I’m not quite sure how you mend these things when there’s no attempt at spending time alone.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through! I will say a prayer for you. I to am going through something like you but it has not gotten that far yet. My wife told me she still loves me but is not in love with me! I am so hurt as I have always been faithful and treated her good. I wish you all the luck and God be with you!
(INDIA) We are good friends. We have been in love till now… It is the 10th year. Due to society and economic status …we can’t go against our parents. All my fear is we accepted that we can remain good friends… life long. Both our families are friends… if we say we can’t convince… entire members in the family will break with each other. Life will be full of challenges, if we proceed. There’s a lot of confusions??? We decided on a mutual break in our love… at least. I need him as my friend.
One thing we have not crossed our limit in this 10 yrs… more confusions. I don’t know how I am going to face it… but we lost our hope. He is now asking me to prepare for my parents decision.
We both compromised each other saying I’ll always be there as your friend. But now I am in confusion… whether I move good in my arranged alliance??? Give me a solution please, friends.
He is telling me that as days pass you will have more responsibility and I will get out from your heart… but stay happy with the life God gives. God has given me everything, lovable parents… good friends… a wealthy life… a good heart …take life as it is.
I can’t bear it now… give me a solution.
(PHILIPPINES) BIG OUCH……. ouch, ouch ……. so hurt…
(USA) I happened upon this site as I was searching for scriptures to stand on for my marriage. I, too have heard these words after 22 years of marriage. I feel hopeless –I don’t know what to do. I am praying for my husband and my marriage but he says he is done with me. He has recently been in contact with the first love of his high shcool years and says he doesn’t know if he still has feelings for her.
He will not seek counseling for our marriage. I just don’t know what to do. I have stood by him through thick and thin and have been loyal to him. This hurts sooooo bad. I keep forgetting that this is a spiritual fight. I keep getting in the flesh and this will make me lose my marriage. But he says he is done and doesn’t want to save it. I pray that each person who feels my pain receive peace and strength in the name of Jesus.
(USA) I been married to my wife for almost two years, we been dating for 3 months and half before we became engaged and then got married in 9 or 10 months later.
I was super in love with her in the beginning. She was a good woman to me all the time. After married, she start changing a lot. She act strange sometimes. She start eating too much, got overweight. She was thin when I first met her. We both believes in the lord Jesus Christ. Divorce was a sin, according to what the bible says, so I try not to do it cause I know there is a way to fix it. My problem is… sometime she doesnt listen, she always on facebook, twitter, watching lesbian pornography on the web, and watches too much tv. She got a college male friend who really likes her, and they talk and text all the time. She’s not having affair, never cheated on me. You see, what I’m saying is.. I love my wife but honestly I’m not in love with her… I dont know where the connection. Sex doesn’t fix everything, cause its all physical related, making love means the real emotional related. Communication always been the key to the relationship… I always tell her, can you do some work out, can you focus on improving your skills in education?
This year, I start going places with a college female friend, she very attractive, nice, smart, easy to talk to. We go out to eat, go bowling and other things but we never kiss, we never have sex, cause I want to stay faithful to my wife… You see, I want to do all those things with my wife but she refused to go out on a date, she just wants to stay at home and spend too much time on facebook, twitter and tv.
What should I do? All the things she are doing to me, avoiding me to fall in love with her.
Another problem I am having, my ex girlfriend from years ago, suppose to be my first wife but she was young back then, her attitude wasn’t right but now she grown, more mature, she became better person, very attractive all the time and she still wants me back, cause deep down in her heart she truly loves me, and she always in my mind sometime even tho I moved on. But here the silly part, I am not trying to leave a woman for another woman, cause its not really a smart move if I’m married already. So this is a tough decision. Help me out!