If your spouse says to you, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” … OUCH! You are experiencing a big OUCH to the Nth degree! Even if you’ve said those words to your spouse, I say OUCH! Those words cause a lot of pain to a lot of spouses. And it causes a lot of pain and huge upsets to a lot of families.
When those words are given, you are either the giver or the receiver of that pain. Either way there are horribly hurt feelings that are involved!
I Love But I’m Not IN Love With You
Tragically, that phrase of loving, but not being in love with the spouse is being said by marriage partners everywhere we turn. It’s like a deadly plague that is pushed out in epidemic proportions. And it’s infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness. That’s because that’s what it is!
Now, I’m not throwing verbal stones. I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage. As a result, I just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him. I concluded that I didn’t love him anymore and that this “love” would never return. All I could think was, I wanted out! So I understand the reasoning involved in saying those words. And it almost brought the death of our marriage.
Thankfully, God intervened and opened my eyes. All was not hopeless. I just thought it was. After some convincing, God then helped me to resurrect a new love—a true love for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work). And we have a deep, deep love for each other. Years before, I would never have thought that would be possible. But it was.
Because of that experience, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you, or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will benefit from what I’ve lived, and learned.
Lessons Learned
Through the things I’ve experienced it has been revealed to me that: We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone.
Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience. But when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to leave and jump into the next emotional high of “love.”
And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.
“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM. So I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But…“)
Love is more than feelings.
Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love. But you could actually be experiencing temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season. These feelings are unsustainable in the long-run if you don’t follow through with decisions to help it to grow.
A lot of this is discussed in a Today’s Christian Woman article written by Leon Scott Baxter titled, “We’ve Got Chemistry.” But I’ll sum up a bit of what he wrote in this article (and other talks I’ve heard him give on this issue). He writes:
“Why isn’t my relationship that exciting? The easy answer: because that’s ‘new love.’ That’s fresh love. That’s the love we used to have. Phenylethylamine (PEA) is one of the culprits for the excitement of ‘new love.’ PEA is a brain chemical that acts like an amphetamine (yes, the drug) during the early stages in a relationship. Your body reacts to it like it would an upper. But it’s without the harmful side effects and embarrassment of failing a urine test.
“Another effect of PEA is the release of the chemical dopamine. This little neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger that sends a message from one nerve cell to another in the brain—boosts both our energy levels and our motivation. Why do you think men write love letters and wear cologne and take showers early on in relationships? They’re being flooded with dopamine.”
Another thing that contributes to “new love” is:
“The hormone of desire. That would have to be testosterone. Dopamine is the spigot to testosterone’s faucet; but it’s not a hormone just for men. Testosterone is present in both men and women. It’s released to prepare our bodies for intimacy.”
This particular article (and other talks Leon has given) goes on to talk about “new love.” This is something we all know about. It’s exciting, and causes us to go into a euphoric state, physically and emotionally. I remember when I first thought that I was falling in love with my husband Steve. It was one of the most exciting times of my life. I thought about him all the time. I also overlooked his faults and only saw the “good” in him. It was a lovely time. Who doesn’t enjoy that kind of a ride and want to get back onto it?
Other “Contributions” to Feelings of Love
Other chemicals within us that contribute to the feelings of “love” that Leon Baxter talks about are Endorphins:
“They are the neurotransmitters our brains release to reward us for good behavior. When we win, laugh, exercise, have sex, or fall in love, endorphins are released. They’re the reasons why we want to continue winning, laughing, exercising, having sex, and falling in love. Endorphins motivate and energize us. They make us feel happy and alive. Additionally, they allow us to cope with stress easily.”
There’s also, Serotonin:
“It’s a neurotransmitter that women produce during the ‘romantic love’ phase. Serotonin eases women, relaxing them, allowing them to feel comfort, contentment, and optimism. But that’s only true if their husbands give them the opportunity.”
Two other chemicals that contribute are:
“The cuddle chemical …a pleasant side effect of increased serotonin is the release of oxytocin. This little bugger is just phenomenal. It’s been called ‘the hormone of love,’ and ‘the foundation of romance.’ It’s even called ‘the key to lasting relationships.’ And, get this, it affects both men and women. Not bad, eh?
“Oxytocin lets us bond with the ones we love. Instead of insomniac thoughts of our love interest, we feel peacefully warm, loving, and affectionate toward him or her. The release of oxytocin is often triggered by touch. This includes a hug, back massage, even a gentle brush on the neck. But the hormone can also respond to other types of cues. This can be a whisper in the ear, a song on the radio, or a pleasing fragrance. When oxytocin is doing its job, we feel the need to romantically or intimately touch the one we love. And this in turn, releases the flow of the hormone in your mate.”
New Love
When you look at all of this going on within our bodies, it’s no wonder why “new love” can be exciting. We’re on a bio-chemical high — one that scientist believe starts to dissipate “somewhere after one-and-a-half to four years.” It’s a time when “the body grows used to these natural stimulants that bombard our systems during ‘new love.’ When that happens, love changes.”
It has to, our bodies couldn’t take the continual high. But much of this chemical stimulation can still be experienced, plus new, more satisfying feelings can be lived out with your spouse, if you do the things that triggered the Oxytocin, and seratonin and such, that we first experienced when we “fell” in love. We’ll talk about that a bit further down in this article.
I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. It’s easy to see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love.”
She wrote:
“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind. You may sleep with a shirt left behind, or listen to a song that reminds you of him or her. Perhaps you’ll listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.
“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning them into positives (‘He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).
“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)
After the Infatuation Passes
Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.
After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.
As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:
“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”
And it sure wasn’t enough for us —at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.
It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:
Love is both a noun and a verb.
In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.
Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient“, “kind“, “does not envy“, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.
What IS Love?
“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Fertel)
Noun and a Verb
God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith to grow true love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I still needed to be loving in my actions, even though I wasn’t experiencing the feelings of love. As I did that, eventually the feelings did come along for the ride. I decided to do things for Steve, “as unto the Lord” and trust God for the result. I needed to exercise mature love. This is the type of love that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.
“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love —and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.
“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Fertel)
I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help.
I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for. It’s all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses. They thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well. As a result, our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.
It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.
A Journey
For me, it was a journey that God took me on to learn what real love was all about. I needed to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways. Then I learned more about my husband, and worked on my own issues. I became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.
I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:
“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?
“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. Also, it means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the web site article titled, “Fall in Love with Your Spouse Again”)
Something marriage expert, Mort Fertel says applies as well:
“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).
I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir.” You may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.
Your Journey
I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for your pain. It may be that you need to keep asking God to show you how to endure without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.
I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible. They probably saw no end in sight to their situations. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.
Not Giving Up
I think of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert. Then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (despite continual discouragement), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed; and prayers were answered.
I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold. History records how close they came to victory. But someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. That’s because they gave up JUST before the going got good.
What I Can Tell You
I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. But I do know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
God is Here for You
I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect. God’s ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.
When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.
He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.
Don’t Have All the Answers
This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.
Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following Crosswalk.com article may help you better understand this concept:
• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love
Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors. I’d like to pass them along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation. Eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.
When a person says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you,” not only is it emotionally traumatizing for the person on the receiving end of those words, but it’s also confusing. “Where did their LOVE run off to?” And “how can I make sense of all of this?” And “what do I do about the love I feel for my spouse now that he/she says ‘I don’t love you?'” can be a few of the many, many questions that come up.
Other Issues
The spouse who is delivering this horrible message to the other spouse is actually wrestling with other issues:
“The excuse ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is nonsensical. Let me tell you why. There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy.
“What you’re really feeling and should be saying is ‘I don’t want to love you anymore.’ It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.
“The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have.'” (Angie Lewis from the Beyondprose.com article titled “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You Anymore)
As I said before, feelings can come and go.
“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Fertel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.” …You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)
Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Do What It Takes
IF eventually, your spouse will listen to reason, and will put effort into making your marriage work once again, you both need to do what it takes to bring love back into your everyday lives with each other.
“The key to love is attention. More specifically Brett Williams, the author of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married: Love-Based Solutions for Couples
, believes that love is the free gift of our attention. ‘When couples are dating they bring all kinds of attention to each other on a daily basis. As a result, their love is never stronger. But after the vows are given, the pair stops pursuing. Their attention is instead turned toward their careers, their new family, and taking care of the home. This is when their love becomes starved for attention. And this is where the feeling of closeness begins to wane.’
“’Intuitively everyone understands this relationship between love and attention. This is so much so that the words are used almost interchangeably. Therefore in order to reconnect they need to bring attention to one another. What they need is a weekly date night.
“’A movie and dinner is not going to cut it. The way couples typically date brings very little attention. For the dates to be effective in creating closeness they must follow the principles that govern love/attention:
1) Attention is drawn to novelty
2) Energy grabs attention
3) Attention comes in three forms
“’A great date will contain variety, vitality, and attention in a style the other person wants.’”
Romantic Ideas
To obtain ideas to get you onto a good footing to grow your love, please visit the Romantic Ideas topic. We recommend you glean through and use that, which will help you to grow your love for each other.
Lastly, on this issue, here’s a portion of what Pastor Mark at Mars Hill Downtown Bellevue said in a sermon titled, “Friends with Benefits.” It’s something for you to prayerfully consider:
“People may fall out of repentance, but they don’t fall out of love. God tells us we can love our enemies. How? Because love doesn’t begin with or emanate from us; God is love. Even when we’re not feeling particularly friendly toward our spouse, we can still love them with the love that God gives.”
Wish
I/we wish new and true love could be infused into your spouse’s heart for you. We also wish love could develop instantly in your heart for your spouse! Unfortunately, learning to love again and anew, takes more than hopes and wishes. It takes intentionality to learn what God can and will teach to those who are willing to participate.
Steve and I can’t do much more for you than what we offer in this article and on this web site. But what we can do is point you to the One who can renew your hope. We encourage you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing. He can help in ways you may not be able to imagine.
In Closing
I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage
You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should. But you can ask God to keep your heart, mind and focus centered on doing things His way. You can ask Him to give you peace of mind in the process.
When you don’t feel in love, here’s a prayer:
“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU. I cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my marriage, You will never leave or forsake me.
“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You. You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. Please help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psalm 62:8).
Heavenly Father:
“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You. I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.
“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).
“We may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done. Yet I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).
“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
(USA) I been married to my wife for almost two years, we been dating for 3 months and half before we became engaged and then got married in 9 or 10 months later.
I was super in love with her in the beginning. She was a good woman to me all the time. After married, she start changing a lot. She act strange sometimes. She start eating too much, got overweight. She was thin when I first met her. We both believes in the lord Jesus Christ. Divorce was a sin, according to what the bible says, so I try not to do it cause I know there is a way to fix it. My problem is… sometime she doesnt listen, she always on facebook, twitter, watching lesbian pornography on the web, and watches too much tv. She got a college male friend who really likes her, and they talk and text all the time. She’s not having affair, never cheated on me. You see, what I’m saying is.. I love my wife but honestly I’m not in love with her… I dont know where the connection. Sex doesn’t fix everything, cause its all physical related, making love means the real emotional related. Communication always been the key to the relationship… I always tell her, can you do some work out, can you focus on improving your skills in education?
This year, I start going places with a college female friend, she very attractive, nice, smart, easy to talk to. We go out to eat, go bowling and other things but we never kiss, we never have sex, cause I want to stay faithful to my wife… You see, I want to do all those things with my wife but she refused to go out on a date, she just wants to stay at home and spend too much time on facebook, twitter and tv.
What should I do? All the things she are doing to me, avoiding me to fall in love with her.
Another problem I am having, my ex girlfriend from years ago, suppose to be my first wife but she was young back then, her attitude wasn’t right but now she grown, more mature, she became better person, very attractive all the time and she still wants me back, cause deep down in her heart she truly loves me, and she always in my mind sometime even tho I moved on. But here the silly part, I am not trying to leave a woman for another woman, cause its not really a smart move if I’m married already. So this is a tough decision. Help me out!
(ZAMBIA) I have been married to my wife for almost 4 years and we dated for 2 years before we got married. God blessed us with a daughter who is going to turn 2 years on 1st of April this year. I really love my daughter. I resigned from work for about five months ago. The first three months my wife has been supportive and encouraging. In the past two months she has been cheating on me. When I discovered we sat down and spoke about it and I even brought this issue to my mother in law. After this incident things slightly changed for the better. But one day I checked her facebook account only to find her asking some man if she could pearce her tough. I was very upset and confronted her and she just told me he’s a friend and nothing more. When I resigned from work her mom asked us to stay at her place until I find another job. My wife doesn’t work. I do everything for her including paying her university fees.
After checking her facebook account and discovering what she was asking another man, I got upset and went away with my daughter at my mom’s place. She followed me but I refused to give her our daughter. The following day she came at mum’s place with her mom and our God parents. It was at this point that she told she doesn’t love me anymore.
In this meeting we concluded that we go back to her mom’s place so that we live there again and raise our daughter together as husband and wife until I find a job. A few days later after getting to her mom’s house she has told me to give her some space to reflect on our relationship/marriage –that I should leave her mom’s house and I should go to my mom’s place. I have left her and am at my mom’s house and I have never spoken to her ever since. It’s now a week since I left. She has texted me twice wanting to find out how am doing. I have not responded to her text. She has tried calling me twice but I have never picked up her calls.
I love my wife and I miss my daughter very much. I cry day and night for not seeing my daughter. We are Catholics. We were married in church and our church does not grant a divorce no matter what. Only death can separate us and I not want this divorce because I love my wife and I want to raise our daughter together.
I pray day and night for the restoration on our marriage. I believe that nothing is impossible with GOD AND WHAT GOD has put together no man shall put asunder. I believe God will restore my marriage. Please reply to encourage me and please pray for the restoration of my marriage. God bless.
JB, You are right to confront your wife with what you know and to insist that she stop texting, talking to or exchanging facebook messages with any other man. It doesn’t matter if she views him as just a “friend;” if you have problem with it, then it is HER PROBLEM, too. Infidelity can happen as much in our minds as it can in our bodies and scripture says if we even look at another person with lust, we have committed adultery.
I want to encourage you to go into our section, “Save My Marriage” and read the article, “I Am Standing For The Healing Of My Marriage.” You obviously can’t force your wife to change her heart or her mind. She has been led astray by her emotions. All you can do is pray that God will open her eyes to the truth.
I know the Catholic church offers a program called “Retrouvaille” for couples who have troubled marriages. You should see if they offer the program in Zambia.
Stay strong and courageous for the Lord your God will go with you. –Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International.
(ZAMBIA) Steve, Thank you Steve. I will continue to pray for her and my innocent and lovely daughter. You know I will be honest with you, I regret the offer my mum in law gave us to start living with her until when I get a new job. My wife has been influenced by her relatives and I know one day she will come to her senses.
My worry is with my little daughter. My wife has her younger who is very jumpy. They come with different men at home and they do all sorts of things in the presence of my daughter. Sometimes when mom in law is at home they will follow these men in the street with my daughter and they will cheat their mom that they have gone to buy credit for their phones. Sometimes they even go as far as escorting their boyfriends to the bar with my daughter.
You know these girls may be drugged and people think differently. And here in Africa there is a myth that when you sleep with a lttle girl/baby you can be cure of HIV/AIDS. I am just worried for my daughter’s safety. I really love my daughter and I want to give her the best in life. Continue praying for me.
JB, Yes, we are well aware of this detestable and false practice in African countries of thinking that having sex with a young girl gets rid of AIDS. It comes from the pit of hell. We wish more humanitarian organizations in Africa did more to educate the men there, as well as the churches. We will ask our readers to pray a hedge of protection around your daughter – physically and spiritually -that no harm will come to her from the sinful actions of her mother and others around her who should be doing everything to protect her.
We are so, sorry, brother, that you have to go through this. If you look on our web site in the “Prayer” topic, you will find a prayer titled, “I Am Standing for the Healing of My Marriage.” It may inspire you as you read it and pray through it. You might also contact the ministry mentioned below it because they have a great prayer ministry.
Also, if you look in the New Testament in Ephesians 6:10-18 you will find a prayer of St. Paul which is commonly referred to as the Armor of God. He actually starts the prayer in verse 13, “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able stand your ground…”
JB, you are experiencing the days of evil and you need to rely on the strength of God’s word to be able to do battle against the “evil one” who is trying to destroy your marriage and your family. Pray this prayer every day for you and your daughter from these verses.
Blessings! -Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
(ZAMBIA) Steve, thank for the encouraging word from God. Please continue for me every day for the restoration of my marriage. I still want us to be together and raise our daughter on the true word of God, who is love. Include me in every prayer you give to God and your church members and other individuals to pray for us.
By the way, I am seeing the power of God at work in my life and am saying thank you to my God. God bless you and I will always be in touch with you.
(USA) I don’t like the way my husband loves me. He has hurt me in the 12 years of marriage, failed every time until I finally kindly asked him to leave and he left. We have two girls and we have to see each other everyday. He keeps telling me he loves me but I don’t like the way he loves me because it is painful and I’m afraid to give him my heart to break again like he has done many times.
He is the only man in my life. I have never been interested in anyone else or failed. I am really pretty and smart, and I dont feel I deserve this life. I don’t love him anymore. The question I have is: should I stay with my husband only because he says he loves me? Only because love and marriage is a compromise we made?
I don’t like the way he loves me and I need to find myself again. I think I want out but the word divorce was banned from my vocabulary according the morals I grew up with.
Alejandra, What do you mean when you say, “I don’t like the way my husband loves me?” Is it because he beats you and/or the children or that he cheats on you? I’m not sure anyone reading this could understand how to respond to your question about divorcing him because of the vagueness when you say, “I don’t like the way” he “loves” you. You say he “loves” you, but is it violent? Is he unfaithful?
(USA) What I mean by saying I don’t like the way he loves me is:
-He doesnt show affection to me around people. He doesn’t even hold my hand.
-He has hit me twice and doesn’t apologize. He does other things like buy me flowers, dinner, or other nice things to show me he is sorry. I know that he is sorry.
-He is smily, flirty, social with everyone else, but with me he seems annoyed.
-He doesn’t want to go out. We would stay in the couch on his free time if I don’t ask him to take us somewhere. He says that we do what we want, and he may be right but that’s only because he never takes the iniative.
It is hard to explain. He left the house because I found out he had a crush on someone else and he shot for it. I don’t think that he was unfaithful but the pure fact that he had feelings for someone else, made me put it in the group. This person he had the crush on is not interested in him. So basically I feel that he wants me in his life until he finds someone else.
(USA) Help my wife said I don’t love you any more but she still care about me; don’t know if just confused or don’t know what she wants. Please help because I love her to much that I give my life for her please?
(UK) My husband told me that he saw his GP a few weeks ago and was signed off work due to stress, as a result of the ongoing court battle with his ex-wife over spousal maintenance. He also said that his GP recommended he see a counsellor at his workplace.
I have tried so hard to be sympathetic and to create an atmosphere in which my husband can be at ease – in fact I have done all I can possibly think of to try and make things as stress-free as possible for him. However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with his difficult moods – one day he is fine, the next he is extremely difficult to live with. I have had just about all I can take of being constantly snapped at and made to feel either like a small child or a piece of dirt under his shoe and it is now starting to affect my own mood/personality – I am normally a very positive, cheerful and upbeat person. I have been suffering from high blood pressure for several months now – at times it is dangerously high – and am on medication for this. As I am typing this I can feel my heart pounding really hard and fast.
On top of all this, my husband is not taking his GP’s advice and seeing a counsellor and instead is getting worse, and I feel this is because he is spending all day at home on his own. I have noticed a marked difference since he stopped working – at least being in contact with work colleagues seemed to lighten his mood.
Basically, I am very worried about him and our relationship which up until recently had been an excellent one. We have only been married three years (yesterday was our third anniversary). It is the second marriage for both of us.
I am thinking about suggesting we both go to RELATE (marriage counselling) but am afraid to approach the subject with my husband for fear he will explode or think I am suggesting our marriage is over. Does anyone have any advice please?
(USA) Hello, Not sure how to even start. I have been married for 13 years this coming May… I say married because we have not divored yet. We have two children ages 5 and 10. We are 7 yrs apart in age… him being younger. We have had our ups and downs… well, at least I thought that was what they were.
He came to me last August and told me he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. At that point I was floored, and devastated. I couldn’t really understand what he was saying. I was in shock. But I knew something was/had been wrong for a while. I had known for maybe 6-8 months before he came to me. But I didnt think anything was “really” bad between us before that… just thought we were having typical married problems. We weren’t doing things together much anymore… and felt like there was a wedge being pushed between us… with his job, the kids, and life in general. Through the years we have fought over one thing or another… some drop down drag out fights… some just short ones. I felt that those fights were us claiming boundaries, what we expected from each other… what we were willing to deal with and what not.
Well, through the years.. we would say mean things to each other in the heat of arguments. I said pretty mean things. I admit it… one being that when we got together I would be the stay at home mom and take care of the kids. We both agreed to that. But when we would get into arguments I would throw it up in his face that I gave up everything for him so he could pursue his life, career, whatever. Well, I would say those things a lot. Thinking back, I never really meant to hurt him, but it had… and that is one of the things.
After talking with him, he is basing his feelings on saying, that if you say it enough to someone, they believe it. And I understand that. I’m so deeply sorry for the pain I caused him. I never knew how much it hurt him. But here we are, and now he is leaving. We are separating. I asked him if this is a separation or a divorce. He tells me that he is done and he doesn’t think it can be repaired.
I’m SO broken hearted. We have been trying to make things better all this time… almost a year. All he has ever said to me is I’m not happy… that he doesn’t feel any better about us. The problem is I have bent over backwards to change my outlook on our relationship… tried everything I can to make him happy and it’s not enough. He looks at me and tells me he feels I’m doing all these nice things for him because I have to… not because I want to. So it just doesn’t matter what I do. It seems he will never believe I’m doing all this things for him because I want to. I want to make him happy… he just doesnt believe me. I guess it’s because he is so hurt.
He also told me he is absolutly positive I am not attracted to him. He couldnt be farther from the truth. I think he is beautiful. But again, he does not believe me. I am afraid to show him for fear of rejection from him. Anyways, I know I have rambled… and to be honest, there is way too much to mention. I guess what I am writing this for is to ask if I should just let him go. I really do love him. He has been my world… my rock, for so long. When we met we were so in love and we both felt that we were meant to meet and be together… that God had put us together. I don’t know how we got to this point. I’m so devastated. My heart has been hurting for so long… but it seems nothing is going to change, no matter how much I try. Thanks for reading.
(USA) Trinity, My heart breaks for you as I read your story. Marriage is such a special bond and it hurts me to even think of the brokenness your marriage has had to encounter. All marriages fall into some sort of brokenness because we live in a broken world, but every story is different. It hurts me even more to know that there are children involved, the situation would be devastating.
I am not sure anything I have to say will be helpful to you, but I felt as though you were crying out for encouragment so I want to lift you up today. First, I hope you do not continue to bash yourself for the contempt you held for your husband before you learned how badly this hurt him. It doesn’t help anyone when you continue to feel guilty. Guilt is a feeling Satan will use against you always as if to tell you that you are not worthy of Christ’s love. If you asked God for forgiveness then it is cast as far as the East is from the West and you shouldnt allow Satan to have this power over you.
Second, it sounds as though your husband has hardened his heart. I would assume this because he is ready to leave all you have had after 13 years. You can’t control him or his feelings all you can do is pray that he sees the genuine acts you are displaying for good and not out of obligation. Pray that his heart will soften, even if he continues with the divorce do not distance yourself just for protection this will only damage the relationship more and also you and the kids. Cling to God and his promises that He will pull you through. Never limit God and the miracles he can make happen. I don’t want to fill you full of false hope, but just know that hope is all we can really do in these situations.
Your husband does not fulfill you, only God can fulfill you so even if he does leave you still have the only true one and that is God. He loves you regardless of your failures or mistakes. I would encourage you to search this site whole heartedly for testimonies and articles to help you through this difficult time. And I would seek Christian counseling for you and the kids starting now and it would be great if your husband would be willing to go with you! You can only work on you and God will work in your heart so focus on that.
I pray God gives you the strength to get out of bed each day and cry out, “Because the Lord is my strength, I can do whatever I need to do today!” Do not lose sight of hope and do not feel as though you cannot go on because with the love and faithfulness of Christ we can conqueor all that Satan attacks us with. You are loved, valued and FORGIVEN! If we could do it on our own Jesus wouldnt have needed to die on the cross for us, but we do need him and he did die for us so hang on to that! With love and may God bless you and your family! I hope and pray somehow this marriage can be reconciled! Megan
(USA) Me and my husband have been together for 4yrs and back in feb of this yr we took a break and I want to fix things. But now he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He almost died the other day and it made me realize how much I really do love him and can’t live without him. But he tells me he doesn’t want to rush into things and he wants to make sure he is happy. We have a little girl together and it’s hard because we don’t live together any more. I just want to know what to do; I want so bad to fix my marriage.
(USA) Natasha, My heart hurts for you and your husband. I believe you need some encouragment during this difficult time as there is not really an exact solution. I do believe you and your husband need to use this time wisely. Prayer should be your first step. Praying first that God gives you comfort and peace about the situation, Faith that he will pull you through no matter what the outcome (because at this time your heart is so shattered you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel), Guidance to stay on the right path no matter what and Hope for restoration either in your relationship or in your heart.
You and your husband are both in a very vulnerable state right now and while we do have a loving God who will help us through we also have an enemy that wants nothing more than to break us and our marriages, families, etc. Do not give into his lies and accusations. Do not believe the words of doubt he whispers in your ear. Hold onto hope because our God is faithful, he loves you more than you can imagine. Hold onto his promises of restoration, healing and comfort. He can turn our messiness into a message; that 10 years down the line one of your friends or even a stranger may be in your situation and will seek wise and godly advice from someone like you. Believe that God can do this for you.
As you are on your knees begging for him to pull you out of this situation, sit back and see what he does through you and your husbands weakness. He doesn’t like you to suffer. Unfortunately we live in a broken and sinful world and these things will fall upon us, but he tells us in John 16:33, “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” He may want you right where you are for the period of time it takes because he is working something out for the good. Trust in Him, Natasha. God Bless, Megan
P.S. Keep me posted, you are in my prayers!
(UNITED STATES) I just found out this past Thursday that my husband has made several attempts to cheat with a close family friend. We will be married 7 years in August and have been together for 9. This is not the first time there have been infidelity issues. There have been 4 other times that I am aware of. He wrote me a letter telling me how sorry he was and how he “learned his lesson this time” and that he is now “realizing how much I mean to him.” Quite frankly I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I have given up EVERYTHING for him…He is a firefighter/Emt. Every time I go out of town he is trying to hook up or has hooked up. I have found out either from the girl involved/text message/online messages that I have come across. I’m scared of the thought that I won’t have him in my life anymore BUT I CAN’T keep getting walked all over & hurt like this. I DESERVE to have someone treat me better. Im so confused..I talked to a therapist today, and he is supposed to be going to see someone and then we are also supposed to be seeing a couples counselor. Im just not sure if its going to help at this point. I feel like we are at the point of no return.
(USA) Amanda, I cannot imagine being where you or half the people on here are right now. I can’t imagine waking up in the morning like a normal day and then finding out the man/woman you love, who took a vow w/ you could stray so far away from Gods love they take the selfish act too far. I don’t know how it feels to you as this has never happened to me. However, I can take a stab at how the pain must feel. Just thinking of it makes me sick.
I am sorry that the man who promised to love and protect you has now taken your heart, pounced on it and has now put you in the most insecure and vulnerable place in your life. I don’t know the right solution. I don’t even know how to scratch the surface. But in all of this I hope that you can find God and believe he is faithful enough and the Almighty that he can repair this marriage. Satan would like nothing more than for this to tear you two apart. While I know the healing process can take years, I believe God can do that in your marriage. He can comfort, restore, give peace, hope and he FORGIVES and he will always carry you on the days you just do not feel you can get out of bed.
I think seeking godly counsel would be your first step. If your husband is truly sorry he will seek help with you and also on his own so that he can figure out his issues. Dont judge your husbands heart and think he can’t overcome this with God. God can work in his heart, but only GOD can do this, you cant change him. I know it will be easy to look at your husband with disgust and judgment, with hurt and pain, but ask God to change your heart. Focus on you and how God can open your eyes to something new. Some day your testimony could save a marriage. One day, maybe 5 years down the line you can trust again and be healed and your marriage can thrive and be stronger than it is now.
My prayer for you is that you do not hold onto this pain, but hand it to God and ask him to be your strength because I know at this time you probably feel like you have nothing left to give. God is honest. He is strong and nothing is too big for him. Be honest with your hurt, but also ask God to shed a new light on your feelings. Listen to him, seek him and remember that as a child of God, he does NOT want you to hurt. He wants to embrace you and love you FAITHFULLY unlike your husband, he makes NO mistakes. No matter how unloved you feel by your husband there is a love so strong in Christ that it can fill that void. He sent is son to die for you, how much more love could there be?
Isaiah 40:31, But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
God Bless You, Megan P.S. Please keep me posted! You are in my prayers!
(CAMEROON) Just a month of our marriage program and my fiancé said her heart for this marriage is no more. She doesn’t want it anymore. My sisters and my mother don’t like her. Please help me.
(AUSTRALIA) Better now than once month after your marriage. It’s really devastating to you of course, and I don’t underestimate how traumatic this must be, but let her go. You are not married. You deserve to love and be loved. Marriage is hard enough down the track, this would not be a good way to start in my opinion, if she can’t in all honesty say she loves you. Maybe seek out some counselling or wisdom from other around you?
(USA) Hello everyone, my name is Ryan. Over the past seven years I have been told the line “I love you, but I am not -in- love with you” I’m still young… it’s something I am commonly told by people when I go to them seeking advice (I’m still in my 20s) and… to be honest, I am getting tired of being told that. But more on that later on.
My first major relationship was to Ashley; she was my first love. Like most people, it ended up going horribly wrong. We were together for a little over 2 years and I proposed to her early, something I feel I may have done wrong in every one of my major relationships now. After being engaged for over a year, she ended up meeting a man online and leaving me for him.
That isn’t where it ends though, she ended up getting pregnant through him, however, her parents were old fashioned folks like myself. Rather than telling them the truth and saying that her new boyfriend got her pregnant the first time they saw each other in person, she started telling people that I had forced myself on her out of anger of her leaving me. (We had never had sex.) For the next 6 months she continued to lie and weave stories to the local police about how I raped her. I was never arrested, and every time a court date would come up, I would be informed it was cancelled. After 6 months she finally confessed that it was all a lie so that her parents would “accept their grandchild’s father” …thankfully for me all the charges were dropped.
Unfortunately, to this day it is hard for me to find work where I live because of her. Even after all of that… she aborted the child. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a devout Christian that goes to church every Sunday… nor am I a man that prays on a consistent basis… but it saddens me she gave up on that child.
While I was going through all of this with her, a friend of mine that I had known since I was in junior high was there to comfort me. She was a timid woman. Her name was Tiffany. We ended up getting together amidst all of these terrible things going on with me.
This relationship went on for about two and a half years as well… she and I shared many common interests and I loved her very dearly… but she was a very sensitive and soft spoken. I was very bitter and hurt from all of the betrayal I had gone through. And I admit there were times I took my pain out on her. I never raised my hand to her but I discovered with her that the lash of words, especially those without profanity, sometimes hurt the most.
Ultimately, it was my fault that she left me. No matter how wonderful our times together were, and no matter how happy I made her, nothing could make up for the verbal abuse I put her through… even as inconsistant as it was. So eventually… she left me. Today I don’t blame her… but back then I felt like that I was once again being abandoned because I didn’t understand what I did.
Not even one day after she had left me though… she was with another guy. When I asked her about it she said that he asked her, and she had no reason not to accept. I still don’t understand just how much or how little I meant to her. (She ended up leaving that guy two days later though.) Again, about halfway through this relationship I proposed to her. She said yes… but I messed this one up.
Enter my current relationship. We’ve been together for going on two years now. I proposed to her just before New Years. She said yes. Her name is Cassidy and I love her very much. Sometimes I feel like it may be too much.
Recently, she and I got into an argument about how she spends her time. Mind you, she isn’t doing anything bad, I just worry about her safety when she goes out to spend time with her friends. She doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t get drunk, and she doesn’t smoke. I’m just paranoid of something terrible happening to her, and I won’t be there to protect her.
I have a natural reaction to heartbreak and extreme despair. It’s more commonly known as heartbreak syndrome and it causes my heart to temporarily stop whenever I feel extreme heart break or depression. It has happened in both of my serious relationships mentioned before… and I am terrified of having it happen a third time, which was the reason for our disagreement.
She was going to go with her friends to a local dance that was being hosted, just with her friends, no date. I had to work that night so I couldn’t attend and I didn’t want her to go. But I had told her earlier that month that she could go. When I tried to take it back and get her to stay home she declined me because she really wanted to go and have fun, and because she gives up going to so many different items because of me. (Apparently there was a list of other things she wanted to do, but she didn’t even bother asking to go to them because she really wanted to go and dance with her friends.)
I had never told her about my condition until this point, so for the weeks that followed up to the dance I was telling her whatever I could come up with to try to convince her to not go, with the exception of the actual truth. Everything I said was partially true… but I wasn’t being nice to her. I never said anything incredibly mean, or anything severely harsh… but I was being cold to her, and I wasn’t being nice. So after she got back from the dance I was still upset because when she got home she wasn’t in the mood to talk to me and went straight to the bed.
She spent about three days being upset with me, and like a child I was flicking the same back at her instead of getting the message. Eventually we got into a heated argument about it and I finally told her the truth about why I hadn’t wanted her to go… she understood then… but I could tell the damage had already been done.
Its been a month since then. She swears nothing is different between us and the everything is ok. But I feel like she is avoiding me. I haven’t had a solid conversation with her that has lasted for more than 30 minutes. She spends her time at classes at the college and I work random shifts at my job that keep me out.
As I am writing this comment now she has already left for classes this morning after swearing to me that I am just as important to her and just as loved by her as ever… but… for some reason I don’t “feel” like it. I feel like I have ruined this relationship too because of my fear of not only being alone… but because of my own selfish fear of not wanting to have to go through another episode with my syndrome.
I feel like I am not important to her anymore. We used to spend hours talking each and every day before this, did things together all day, and I felt we mutually enjoyed ourselves. Now we aren’t doing anything at all together. She is spending more time at her parents place (I can confirm she is at her parents house, I’ve already ruled out that she is cheating on me. She isn’t the type for that.) I know its all my fault… but I don’t want to hear those words from her… just like I have heard them from the two before her.
This was a very long winded comment… one filled with many things you folks could have probably done without reading… but if you have made it through all of it… thank you for hearing out my story. I don’t know what to do anymore, I am afraid of losing her… but I don’t know how to fix my fears… and I don’t know how to fix the damage I’ve done. ~Ryan
(USA) Ryan, Paranoia and anxiety will taint this relationship if you do not get a grasp on it now. You cannot spend every moment of your life worrying about what “could” happen such as losing her or something bad coming between you. You have to live each day and take it only that day at a time. Anxiety is a sin. I struggle majorly with this and I can relate. I know it isn’t healthy and it isn’t fair to my husband. I worry constantly about his well being and a lot of that has to do with control and because it is out of my control I worry. The only one totally in control is God so you have to let this go or this girl is going to run far, far away.
I understand you’ve been through some heartbreaks, but you cannot put that on this young lady. You have to deal with some things on your own, because there isn’t a thing she can so to fix this. No matter how much she reassures you there will be something else that makes you insecure either about yourself, her or your relationship. If you ask me I think you should seek out a Christian counselor and go from there BEFORE you marry this girl! You have to take care of this and deal with the issues at hand.
You cant control this girl no matter what you lay on her. She shouldn’t feel guilt and she shouldn’t have to pay for your past. It is time to take a step in fixing you. Let her breathe. Pray and let go and let GOD!!! I will pray for you, but please seek some wise counsel! God Bless!!! Read these: Philippians 4:6-8, Matthew 6:31-34, Matthew 6:27
(UNITED STATES) I too, are standing on God’s word for my marriage. My husband and I have been married –this September (2012) for 4 years. My husband was so in love with God. Now he says he will not ever be that man of God anymore (WHAT HAPPENED?). I was devastated. He came home one day and said I love you but I am not in love with you… I want a DIVORCE. Yes he was and still is having an affair with another married woman who is going through a divorce, as well.
He wanted no communication from me. This went on for about 6 months to a year. I pray for him and his mistress often. I pray that he gets his first love back (Jesus Christ) and I pray that God allows me to unconditionally love them both. I pray that she reconciles with her husband. I will fight until I can’t fight anymore for my marriage.
I entered this covenant until death do us apart. I love my husband so much! If God made the blind man see -the lame man walk and raised the dead girl to life I know he can reconciled a lost, damaged marriage. I know there is nothing too hard for MY GOD. I will not give up on my Faith … this too shall pass –Please pray for us… God Bless!!!!!!!
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Haven’t actually heard the phrase, but the feeling hangs heavy in the air. He can barely carry on a conversation with me. He isn’t interested in anything I talk about, and no amount of prodding can get him to share his interests with me. He says he just doesn’t talk much, but the phone bill says otherwise. There is one girl in particular -someone he met in graduate school a couple years ago. I asked him to please stop texting her. He agreed. But he didn’t know I had discovered the password for our cell-phone account. He didn’t stop texting her.
I fessed up about my surveilance of his phone records and he said he would stop -and he did -for about a month. Last months bill reflects that they exchanged an average of 65 texts a day and spoke on the phone for 25 minutes a day. The hardest thing is that when I convince him to talk to me and be honest, he tells me that I remind him of my mother, that he doesn’t like the way I parent or clean house, that I’m a different person than the one he married 8 years ago, etc…
I could never have foreseen this coming. Grad school was hard enough -no money, never saw him. Then we had our third child, which we couldn’t afford and he didn’t want (now he loves her of course), my mother passed away from cancer, and now this. I am tired. And discouraged. I wish I knew what to do to help him see.
(NEW ZEALAND) I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 2 years. I struggle daily with the fact that he shows little or no affection for me. He hugs me each morning before he goes to work and he has told me that it is his compromise towards our relationship because he is not an affectionate person and does not feel the need for affection. Sometimes I ask him for a hug because I need his comfort and often his reply is “you had your hug this morning”.
He has had much hurt in the past from 2 marriages and I believe he has put up a wall that he will not let anyone through so he is protected from being hurt again. I am a very affectionate person and I miss the closeness of a physical relationship. I occasionally get a kiss in the way of a peck on the cheek but this is rare. I think I show my love for my partner in many ways but he does very little to show his love for me. He tells me he loves me sometimes but it is very rarely and he seems to struggle with telling me he loves me.
I typed a question into google regarding the difference between loving someone and being in love with them and this site was revealed to me. I was encouraged by some of the words I have found here and am hoping that somehow I can allow the love of God into my life in order that I can build a loving relationship with my partner. I don’t really know how to start but somehow I wonder if I just continue to show my partner love that he might learn how to show love for me.
(USA) I am the one to say the words and I wanted to save my marriage when I saw we were drifting apart. My husband is an alcoholic and he lies…real quick and I know he is lying but he looks me in the eye and really wants me to believe him. He got real drunk one night and wanted to drive the car. I told him no you are not driving so he lied and called the police and said I stole the car. It really hurt to know he would hurt me like that but he told me he was sorry and I do love you with all my heart. Now of course we did this dance for 3 yrs. Now I want a divorce and I still love him but I lost that loving feeling due to lies and alcohol abuse.