If your spouse says to you, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” … OUCH! You are experiencing a big OUCH to the Nth degree! Even if you’ve said those words to your spouse, I say OUCH! Those words cause a lot of pain to a lot of spouses. And it causes a lot of pain and huge upsets to a lot of families.
When those words are given, you are either the giver or the receiver of that pain. Either way there are horribly hurt feelings that are involved!
I Love But I’m Not IN Love With You
Tragically, that phrase of loving, but not being in love with the spouse is being said by marriage partners everywhere we turn. It’s like a deadly plague that is pushed out in epidemic proportions. And it’s infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness. That’s because that’s what it is!
Now, I’m not throwing verbal stones. I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage. As a result, I just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him. I concluded that I didn’t love him anymore and that this “love” would never return. All I could think was, I wanted out! So I understand the reasoning involved in saying those words. And it almost brought the death of our marriage.
Thankfully, God intervened and opened my eyes. All was not hopeless. I just thought it was. After some convincing, God then helped me to resurrect a new love—a true love for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work). And we have a deep, deep love for each other. Years before, I would never have thought that would be possible. But it was.
Because of that experience, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you, or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will benefit from what I’ve lived, and learned.
Lessons Learned
Through the things I’ve experienced it has been revealed to me that: We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone.
Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience. But when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to leave and jump into the next emotional high of “love.”
And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.
“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM. So I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But…“)
Love is more than feelings.
Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love. But you could actually be experiencing temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season. These feelings are unsustainable in the long-run if you don’t follow through with decisions to help it to grow.
A lot of this is discussed in a Today’s Christian Woman article written by Leon Scott Baxter titled, “We’ve Got Chemistry.” But I’ll sum up a bit of what he wrote in this article (and other talks I’ve heard him give on this issue). He writes:
“Why isn’t my relationship that exciting? The easy answer: because that’s ‘new love.’ That’s fresh love. That’s the love we used to have. Phenylethylamine (PEA) is one of the culprits for the excitement of ‘new love.’ PEA is a brain chemical that acts like an amphetamine (yes, the drug) during the early stages in a relationship. Your body reacts to it like it would an upper. But it’s without the harmful side effects and embarrassment of failing a urine test.
“Another effect of PEA is the release of the chemical dopamine. This little neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger that sends a message from one nerve cell to another in the brain—boosts both our energy levels and our motivation. Why do you think men write love letters and wear cologne and take showers early on in relationships? They’re being flooded with dopamine.”
Another thing that contributes to “new love” is:
“The hormone of desire. That would have to be testosterone. Dopamine is the spigot to testosterone’s faucet; but it’s not a hormone just for men. Testosterone is present in both men and women. It’s released to prepare our bodies for intimacy.”
This particular article (and other talks Leon has given) goes on to talk about “new love.” This is something we all know about. It’s exciting, and causes us to go into a euphoric state, physically and emotionally. I remember when I first thought that I was falling in love with my husband Steve. It was one of the most exciting times of my life. I thought about him all the time. I also overlooked his faults and only saw the “good” in him. It was a lovely time. Who doesn’t enjoy that kind of a ride and want to get back onto it?
Other “Contributions” to Feelings of Love
Other chemicals within us that contribute to the feelings of “love” that Leon Baxter talks about are Endorphins:
“They are the neurotransmitters our brains release to reward us for good behavior. When we win, laugh, exercise, have sex, or fall in love, endorphins are released. They’re the reasons why we want to continue winning, laughing, exercising, having sex, and falling in love. Endorphins motivate and energize us. They make us feel happy and alive. Additionally, they allow us to cope with stress easily.”
There’s also, Serotonin:
“It’s a neurotransmitter that women produce during the ‘romantic love’ phase. Serotonin eases women, relaxing them, allowing them to feel comfort, contentment, and optimism. But that’s only true if their husbands give them the opportunity.”
Two other chemicals that contribute are:
“The cuddle chemical …a pleasant side effect of increased serotonin is the release of oxytocin. This little bugger is just phenomenal. It’s been called ‘the hormone of love,’ and ‘the foundation of romance.’ It’s even called ‘the key to lasting relationships.’ And, get this, it affects both men and women. Not bad, eh?
“Oxytocin lets us bond with the ones we love. Instead of insomniac thoughts of our love interest, we feel peacefully warm, loving, and affectionate toward him or her. The release of oxytocin is often triggered by touch. This includes a hug, back massage, even a gentle brush on the neck. But the hormone can also respond to other types of cues. This can be a whisper in the ear, a song on the radio, or a pleasing fragrance. When oxytocin is doing its job, we feel the need to romantically or intimately touch the one we love. And this in turn, releases the flow of the hormone in your mate.”
New Love
When you look at all of this going on within our bodies, it’s no wonder why “new love” can be exciting. We’re on a bio-chemical high — one that scientist believe starts to dissipate “somewhere after one-and-a-half to four years.” It’s a time when “the body grows used to these natural stimulants that bombard our systems during ‘new love.’ When that happens, love changes.”
It has to, our bodies couldn’t take the continual high. But much of this chemical stimulation can still be experienced, plus new, more satisfying feelings can be lived out with your spouse, if you do the things that triggered the Oxytocin, and seratonin and such, that we first experienced when we “fell” in love. We’ll talk about that a bit further down in this article.
I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. It’s easy to see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love.”
She wrote:
“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind. You may sleep with a shirt left behind, or listen to a song that reminds you of him or her. Perhaps you’ll listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.
“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning them into positives (‘He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).
“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)
After the Infatuation Passes
Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.
After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.
As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:
“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”
And it sure wasn’t enough for us —at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.
It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:
Love is both a noun and a verb.
In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.
Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient“, “kind“, “does not envy“, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.
What IS Love?
“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Fertel)
Noun and a Verb
God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith to grow true love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I still needed to be loving in my actions, even though I wasn’t experiencing the feelings of love. As I did that, eventually the feelings did come along for the ride. I decided to do things for Steve, “as unto the Lord” and trust God for the result. I needed to exercise mature love. This is the type of love that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.
“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love —and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.
“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Fertel)
I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help.
I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for. It’s all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses. They thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well. As a result, our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.
It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.
A Journey
For me, it was a journey that God took me on to learn what real love was all about. I needed to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways. Then I learned more about my husband, and worked on my own issues. I became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.
I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:
“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?
“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. Also, it means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the web site article titled, “Fall in Love with Your Spouse Again”)
Something marriage expert, Mort Fertel says applies as well:
“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).
I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir.” You may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.
Your Journey
I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for your pain. It may be that you need to keep asking God to show you how to endure without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.
I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible. They probably saw no end in sight to their situations. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.
Not Giving Up
I think of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert. Then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (despite continual discouragement), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed; and prayers were answered.
I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold. History records how close they came to victory. But someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. That’s because they gave up JUST before the going got good.
What I Can Tell You
I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. But I do know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
God is Here for You
I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect. God’s ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.
When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.
He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.
Don’t Have All the Answers
This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.
Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following Crosswalk.com article may help you better understand this concept:
• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love
Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors. I’d like to pass them along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation. Eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.
When a person says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you,” not only is it emotionally traumatizing for the person on the receiving end of those words, but it’s also confusing. “Where did their LOVE run off to?” And “how can I make sense of all of this?” And “what do I do about the love I feel for my spouse now that he/she says ‘I don’t love you?'” can be a few of the many, many questions that come up.
Other Issues
The spouse who is delivering this horrible message to the other spouse is actually wrestling with other issues:
“The excuse ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is nonsensical. Let me tell you why. There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy.
“What you’re really feeling and should be saying is ‘I don’t want to love you anymore.’ It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.
“The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have.'” (Angie Lewis from the Beyondprose.com article titled “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You Anymore)
As I said before, feelings can come and go.
“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Fertel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.” …You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)
Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Do What It Takes
IF eventually, your spouse will listen to reason, and will put effort into making your marriage work once again, you both need to do what it takes to bring love back into your everyday lives with each other.
“The key to love is attention. More specifically Brett Williams, the author of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married: Love-Based Solutions for Couples
, believes that love is the free gift of our attention. ‘When couples are dating they bring all kinds of attention to each other on a daily basis. As a result, their love is never stronger. But after the vows are given, the pair stops pursuing. Their attention is instead turned toward their careers, their new family, and taking care of the home. This is when their love becomes starved for attention. And this is where the feeling of closeness begins to wane.’
“’Intuitively everyone understands this relationship between love and attention. This is so much so that the words are used almost interchangeably. Therefore in order to reconnect they need to bring attention to one another. What they need is a weekly date night.
“’A movie and dinner is not going to cut it. The way couples typically date brings very little attention. For the dates to be effective in creating closeness they must follow the principles that govern love/attention:
1) Attention is drawn to novelty
2) Energy grabs attention
3) Attention comes in three forms
“’A great date will contain variety, vitality, and attention in a style the other person wants.’”
Romantic Ideas
To obtain ideas to get you onto a good footing to grow your love, please visit the Romantic Ideas topic. We recommend you glean through and use that, which will help you to grow your love for each other.
Lastly, on this issue, here’s a portion of what Pastor Mark at Mars Hill Downtown Bellevue said in a sermon titled, “Friends with Benefits.” It’s something for you to prayerfully consider:
“People may fall out of repentance, but they don’t fall out of love. God tells us we can love our enemies. How? Because love doesn’t begin with or emanate from us; God is love. Even when we’re not feeling particularly friendly toward our spouse, we can still love them with the love that God gives.”
Wish
I/we wish new and true love could be infused into your spouse’s heart for you. We also wish love could develop instantly in your heart for your spouse! Unfortunately, learning to love again and anew, takes more than hopes and wishes. It takes intentionality to learn what God can and will teach to those who are willing to participate.
Steve and I can’t do much more for you than what we offer in this article and on this web site. But what we can do is point you to the One who can renew your hope. We encourage you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing. He can help in ways you may not be able to imagine.
In Closing
I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage
You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should. But you can ask God to keep your heart, mind and focus centered on doing things His way. You can ask Him to give you peace of mind in the process.
When you don’t feel in love, here’s a prayer:
“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU. I cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my marriage, You will never leave or forsake me.
“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You. You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. Please help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psalm 62:8).
Heavenly Father:
“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You. I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.
“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).
“We may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done. Yet I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).
“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
(UNITED STATES) Hi. I’ve known my husband since school years. I’m 34yrs old; We lost contact for some years and we reconnected for the past 5yrs and married 2yrs ago. He was recently deployed, and when he came home I found out he cheated on me with a married woman who was also deployed with him. I saw texts that they sent back and forth; he said that he loved her and that she is not giving up if he is not and also made further plans to meet up when she returns home. That’s when everything broke loose and he told me he was never in love with me, that he was trying to love me for the past couple of years. I don’t know what to do.
(USA) I’ve been married for 8 years and I hear him say these words all the time. We have 3 kids. I am always putting my hopes in God to lead us in the right path of our marriage. And I always pray for God to protect our marriage. I hear these words and I just cannot think straight anymore. I am sad. I wish we could work this out but he says that he’s not in love with me anymore. I even wonder… should I let him go or should I just stay because of our kids and because I love him. I love him so much to the point where I will let him go BC he wishes to go. I am lost… confused… sad. I don’t know what to do anymore.
(US) HELP!!!!!!! I don’t know where even to begin… All I know is that I heard those hurt full words, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” We have been in a relationship for over 8 years and have two beautiful kids. We have been separated for almost a year and completely separated (living different places) for about 7 months.
The last 3 years of our relationship has been real rocky due to finances and bills and work being slow for me. I noticed a completely different change in her because of all this. She even said that I am not the same guy she feel in love with from the beginning. I was VERY confident in myself, a real go getter. Now because of work being slow and having a responsibility as a dad it’s not as easy to act because I fear what could happen to my family. I admit I’m a lot more vulnerable than before but only cause now it’s not just me any more. I LOVE her and I want my relationship back!!! I miss her and I suggested therapy prior to all this but she declined the idea with the comment that she will go when she is ready.
I’m willing to do anything and everything to bring this relationship back to where God originally set it out to be. We made everything complicated and didn’t allow God to do his work. Now she doesn’t want to talk to me and every time she does she has such an attitude towards me. She told me not to attempt to try to win her back that I will just be hurting myself. I can’t. I love her so much and I need her by my side. What do I do? It went from I need time, to just give it time, to I no longer want anything with you.
Meanwhile I have the our girls with me all the time and I don’t know how to deal with all the questions they ask on why isn’t mommy here and are we going to get a divorce. HELP!!!!!!! What should I do? This is going to be a one sided battle from what I see… I keep praying and praying and it just seems as though my prayers are vanishing into thin air.
(USA) I don’t agree with everything that has been said. I have said these words to my husband. I do love -meaning want the best for him, would never want to see him hurt, want him to fullfill his dreams, like to see him happy all those things. But I am not “in love.” I do not have any romantic feelings for him. I would be blessed to have him as a best friend. But I do not want to have physical contact with him or share intimate details with him. That part of us is gone.
But I resent that it is implied that I am cheating, trying to manipulate him or that you are giving him false hope of “finding our love again”. I have been faithful and have given up my entire happiness to stay as long as I have. But it is not in God’s will for us to be unhappy and lie to the one we are married to, is it? By staying in a marriage that has no hope of romance or physical contact, is like lying to them.
(USA) If you were in love with him before, you can be again. I said in the first post of this topic that 9 times out of 10. So nothing is implied about anyone’s fidelity. What I said was find out what you are facing if you are on the receiving end of these words. This is equally valid if someone says it because they are in an affair, or if they say it because you are not doing the romantic things you once did that had your spouse deeply, madly in love with you.
That part doesn’t have to remain gone. The question is, are you willing to work with him to find it again or not? If not, then while you may think it’s manipulation, I ask, did you really honor your vows if you are no longer willing to work with your spouse to build and maintain romantic love?
What if you weren’t in love to begin with? Is it being fair to the other person to stay and fight for something that wasn’t there in the first place?
Dr Harley says you can build romantic love, even if it wasn’t there before the marriage. If you told someone you loved him when you didn’t, I suggest one of two things, learn how to love him as that is possible or just leave without making him give up his children. It’s bad enough to find out your wife wasn’t honest with you. Why make the pain worse by tearing his children, his home, or other things away from him?
In most cases, I believe the “I never loved him…” is revisionist thinking. The re-writing of history. But even if it is the case, you can learn how to romantically love one another, even if it was never there before. If you said your vows, then I think you owe it to your spouse, your child, and most importantly God, to learn to live up to your vows.
(USA) I am a 49 year old man and have been married for 20 years. 3 weeks ago my wife told me those awful words. She is not having an affair. It was me. I took my marriage for granted. I was self centered; I have a temper and yell a lot. I never hit her. I did not know it was this bad because I never really looked at our marriage. I never really listened to her. She took care of finances and I did not really want to know about them but then I would blame her if we could not afford to “go out to eat.” Instead of getting involved in my finances I would get mad at her for not having any money.
My eyes are finally open now and I hope and pray I am not too late. I love her so much but she says this divorce needs to happen. For the first time in my life I asked for help. I am going to counseling now. I know I need to change and I know I can change. I just hurts so much. I so want to save this marriage. I asked my wife if she wanted to try to save this marriage and she told me “that’s why I filed for divorce.” She moved out 2 weeks ago and took the kids. I am so alone now and don’t have anyone here to talk to.
My family is on the east coast and I am the only one out here in Ca. She moved in with her parents and the kids are very upset. I know this is all my fault. I just never realized that a marriage takes work and it takes commitment and I should have listened to her when she tried to tell me things. I know the hurt that I put her through now because it has fell on me two-fold. Yes, I do deserve it. I hope and pray she forgives me for the past and I pray I can forgive me for the past. I know I can not change the past but I know I can change the future. I pray that she and the kids can be in it. I hope that God can open her eyes to let her see I am changing and I will never be the person that I was when I took this marriage for granted.
I want this marriage to work. I want a marriage we can be proud of. I want my kids to see that all is not lost that I am fighting with all my might to save this marriage this family. For these 4 people are the most important people in my life and I love them from the bottom of my heart…
(INDIA) I guess I have to ask why you dismiss what your husband had to say? Your reaction kind of proves his point. He said you rejected him. So what do you do? You dismiss his answer and fill in your own reasoning, thereby proving to him that his perception is valid; he’s rejected.
(USA) I thought my wife was my best friend and a Godly woman. She has always said she is a very private person, and she was this way with everyone, not just me. She always said FINE anytime I tried to go deeper. We had a tremendous life together (or so I thought). We had an outstanding sex life, even up until the last time we were together. I admit, when I was younger, we argued some about the frequency, but I usually admitted I was dead wrong later. But, the past three years or more have been wonderful, and that was for both of us. She initiated way more than I, too. She got virtually anything she wanted -jewelry, shopping (even beyond our means sometimes), furniture, a car, etc. We went on trips, including more than one couple’s getaway each year for just us. Cruises the past two summers. On and on.
So, in Feb I catch her having an affair with a former friend of mine with whom she works. I caught it at the very beginning, but I was too late -it had already been physical. She stayed home a couple of weeks saying she wanted to work on it, but she never tried. She had become this totally different person I had never seen in 20 years together. Finally, she told me she had “fallen out of love with me,” which I believe is BS and nothing but a justification for poor behavior. To me, marriages are like the tide -they ebb and flow, and just because the tide is out, it doesn’t mean you should try to wet the beach.
She never acted as if she was unhappy or thinking of leaving -she never pulled away, and we had fun together all the time. I made her laugh all the time, which she joked kept her loving me. She said she needed to have feelings for someone else to realize how bad it was… no, your feelings for someone else substituted for me during an ebb. Well, she HATES me now, and I have done nothing to her. I have the kids and the house. The kids like the arrangement so far because she got mean over that month she was fooling around, and I’m much more relaxed with them. They’ve told me she’s even meaner to them now. I’ve packed up most of her stuff and given it to her, which made her mad. I had the locks changed after she and her lawyer agreed she was to stay out of the house, which REALLY fired her up. She has snooped on me and tried to gather non-existent evidence against me. She has been in constant contact with the OM, though I don’t think they’ve been physical again, via text and calls.
I believe, if she would try, that we could reconcile -if she came to me with a broken spirit, full of regret and was totally open and honest with me. Yes, even after all that has happened. I love her enough to try. But, she’s so prideful and selfish, there’s no way she would admit it right now. God will have to work a miracle in her heart to drive Satan out for that to happen. I pray for His will to be done -whether it’s for us to have a second chance or me to make some other woman happy.
But, I have daily bouts with what if’s and surely she will see. I probably made mistakes at the outset by begging and pleading my case, which as I have read probably helped push her away. I am working on NOT contacting her for anything but the kids. We did have a conversation via text recently in which I asked her why she treats me so bad when I’ve done nothing. I did ask her about reconsidering the whole falling out of love thing. Of course, she was negative about it, insisting that’s what happened. I made a point to tell her I wasn’t begging her, just giving her a chance to not have regrets before it’s too late because I AM moving on -it’s already started, and it feels good, quite honestly.
She is living with her mom, who has hated me, the whole marriage and was probably glad she left. She thinks I don’t take CARE of her well enough. I cared for her like a child and protected her from everything. Her dad is also an enabler because he had done this exact same thing over and over, but he usually ceased all contact with his kids, too, while chasing the OW. She has said “Oh, I’m just a bad person” or “I’m like my daddy.” We talked for years about not ending up like our parents, yet here we are. HOW can a person just flip like this? Is there ANY way she will ever try with me, or is she really done? I don’t want to be in another relationship on down the road and her come back and cause me more trouble with someone else. What say ye?
(USA) Humble yourself. Pray, learn, and visit this site for info. http://www.divorcebusting.com/ Sounds like MLC. Good Luck.
(CANADA) Wow, I’m very saddened to read this. I am sorry. I’ve been thru something similar recently, so I can say that I know how it happens, not really knowing what you ‘need’ or don’t ‘need’ until you see something else. I’m not saying she needs that other man but obviously something tripped in her, which caused the change. I too, thought I was happy enough until I realized I wasn’t…
I have to admit one difference, which is how she could cheat on you if you were having an outstanding sex life. This boggles my mind. So for that, I am really, really sorry for you, and for her.
(USA) Bridg, Great question! I went through everything with her -can’t be the sex, it was great; can’t be the love and adoration, as I showered her with it constantly by both telling her and just loving on her physically; it can’t be the freedom, we always allowed one another room to go and do with friends. The only thing she ever came up with was that she had to carry too much of the burden around the house and with the family. I even agreed with her that I could have done more -what male can’t say that?? She wouldn’t even give me a chance to make any changes or work on anything, even though I already was changing out of necessity because she had pulled back so much as the bad stuff was going on.
I think she and he may be on hiatus or could be just laying low. She literally knows nothing about him -she’s never awakened beside him or gone anywhere or done anything other than the bad times that were quick. But, she seems to be almost indifferent to me. I know she has just hammered down all her feelings for me. There is no way they aren’t still there. This was an office romance where I am sure he told her everything she wanted to hear.
At one point, the night before she ended up leaving as a matter of fact, I took her on a trip but gave her several opportunities to go with a girl friend. The last time I said that, she said no, because we always have a great time. I was like MY POINT EXACTLY! Didn’t help, as she was in contact with him ON THE TRIP, sitting beside me…
I know the high of a new thing and the sneaking around is a big part of it. There is no way to fall in love by talking at work. Falling in LUST, yes, but not love, and surely not deep enough to walk out on your family. She has said she wants the kids, not me. We’re about halfway to our divorce, and she is very adversarial toward me. I’ve written her a very sweet letter and attached this article and another on backslidden Christians. I felt led to do that. But, I haven’t felt led to give it to her yet. I know she isn’t ready to hear this from me, even though we had such good times together over the past 20 years. She only sees the bad, for whatever reason.
I believe God is teaching me how to wait on Him. I’ve been praying for His will to be done, but a preacher friend said to pray specifically for her eyes to be opened and heart to be softened. We’re going to counseling, but it’s separate counseling right now, which is fine. My worry is that the therapist will tell her it’s natural to fall out of love, which we all know it’s not -or at least it’s a part of the ebb and flow of marriage, falling out and in over and over. I don’t think she will work on US at all.
For now, I’ve tried to give it to God and pray as hard as I can. The divorce is still going and will no matter what to protect me. I would gladly start counseling together and even date as soon as the divorce is final. But, I can’t explain that to her until she’s ready to read this letter…
(CANADA) Wow. That just doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to make you feel worse but at least in my case, he never admitted once that he could have done more around the house (even though I would say it was about 90-10, he took out the garbage and mowed the lawn). Also every night he drank and smoked pot. I’m guessing that most people would agree that is not a nice way to live. I really feel for you. If you were so loving and kind, and, especially if you were still having sex… big mystery to me… if you make love to me then I will never forsake you… such a mystery. Again, I so very sorry.
I can tell you, that I have heard similar office stories from the women’s side, and although I never really understood it, I’m guessing that some women really need more ‘lusting’ after and more ‘thrill’ than one man can provide. I think the roots are in insecurity. I did fall out of love. After years of doing all the work, watching him drink and smoke pot, and him never once admitting that he did not do his fair share, i just simply ran out of steam.
(USA) I’m going through issues right now with my wife. We’ve been together for 21 years and she is now telling me that she loves me but is not in love with me that way anymore. She says we have become more like best friends and that sucks. The thing is she is my best friend. I thought that was the point in the marriage. I guess not. I don’t know what to do.
She says that she is staying because of our 9 and 10 year old boys. It’s a tough situation. I have total unconditional love for her and always try to show and prove it to her with no effect. I read this article and copied it for her to read. Hopefully it will show her that two people can reconnect in love. It’s worth a try.
Terry, Ask your wife that even if she won’t work on your marriage relationship for you, could she do it for your sons? You have two impressionable young guys growing up in your home. They need to see parents who fight FOR their marriage –who work through the tougher times, who keep their promises no matter what, and who love them enough to work on loving each other. Every marriage goes through ebb and flows, ups and downs, as far as the feelings they have for each other. I even wrote a blog on this subject, which you can find at https://marriagemissions.com/ups-and-downs-of-marriage/.
When a couple “falls out of love” that’s the time to do what it takes to “fall” back in love. It’s possible. We get emails and see comments on the web site continually. It even happened in our marriage. Fortunately, we did what it takes to be pro-active in building good memories and having fun together and such to re-grow our love and now we are madly in love again. At one point I would never have guessed it could happen, but it did.
As one husband told us, it’s not that people “fall out of love” it’s that they “fall out of commitment.” They decide they don’t want to do what it will take to grow their marriage relationship again. It CAN be done, but both partners need to be committed to it and quit going the way of the world –swallowing the fairy tale, Hollywood mirages about what love is all about. It’s a lie that once you don’t feel the “love” anymore, it won’t come back. It can… it does. I hope you and your wife will do what it takes to put love back into your marriage and show your sons what a married couple who WANT to do what is right can accomplish. That could help them when they eventually get married.
I pray for both of you. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
I am 41, but look 30. I am fit, formally educated with a post graduate degree, own multiple successful businesses, and turn men and women’s heads in public. My husband of 18 years ignored me for 16 of the 18 years, refused to go on vacation with me, but never actually cheated even once. I hired multiple private investigators, to find there was not another woman. I realized he was just an emotionally unavailable spouse that I stopped loving.
After the 17th year, I realized it was time to stop begging for his love and attention, and I lost my desire to connect with him. For years, he pretended nothing was wrong but I knew it was a lie. When I lost complete interest in him, I spent year 17 in an emotional affair with another man. We never had sex. We were confidants and good friends to each other.
After a year of checking out emotionally, I told my husband I wanted to divorce. The next morning, he was like another person. He suddenly wanted to take me out, travel with me, be with me, laugh with me, listen to me…..! That was a year ago, and I still do not feel connected to him; but he seems more in love than ever.
The point is – I think there are people who simply take others for granted. Such people will drag you down, if you don’t quickly realize it is not you with a problem – they have a major problem, emotional retardation. Stop feeding into their abusive, YES I SAID IT – ABUSIVE tactics. If you are married to someone who is being mean, rejecting you, neglecting you, and etc., drop them like a hot potato! Stop begging. They know you love them. Back off, let them go, and they will beg to get you back. They have no interest in you because they have no incentive. If you have done the right things and they are mistreating you, let them know you love them and hate the situation; but let them know you can live without them. They will change their minds really quickly!!
Mine is still begging to get me back. It’s too late. I wish I knew better years ago. I would not have kept trying to please him, and we would have been happy.
I agree that ignoring your spouse is emotional abuse. However, having an affair, even if ‘only’ emotional is also abusive.
I feel sad for both of you, choosing to hurt one another instead of loving one another. When you had your affair, you changed status from vicitim to co-combatant.
I think you have said it wisely! We all must become strong and not let another person disrespect us or abuse us and blame us for their short comings!
I have been married for 7 years this December. It was an arranged marriage, so though I liked him, I didn’t know about him before marriage. Marriage life was happy and peaceful until I fell pregnant. Since then over the past two years, my husband had cheated on me multiple times -work affairs (while I was 8 months pregnant, continued until few days before our daughter was born). He had paid for sex, went to strip clubs, etc.
I always had my suspicions but never could prove as he always denied. With his latest affair last year, I found naked pictures of her on his mobile and then he admitted. But he carried on with the affair for another 4 months after I found out. I decided to leave. Also I found out, how many times he called all of them “gorgeous” “honey” etc, which he has never mentioned like that to me anytime in the past 7 years.
Anyway, he asked me for apology and wanted to be good to me and our daughter and so I agreed to stay. But over the past 4 months, until April, he still emailed her that it’s hard for him even to try to forget her. He loved her madly. He is thinking of her everyday and even worse than this, when I found them every time, I was in so much pain, and cried for hours. He used to apologise and say he wouldn’t do it again but always does it again. I don’t think he has been in contact with her since April. But I am not sure, as he emails her usually and he might have created a new I.D. as I check his old one. I’m 100% sure he is not cheating on me.
But I’m still struggling, as he doesn’t want to go to counseling. He doesn’t pray, he doesn’t come to chruch but most of all, he treats me like I’m his maid (which is the usual way he treats me; I didn’t mind before these affairs). I felt after all that I have been put through, don’t I need a little respect? I’m not asking so much. He used to take them to dinner dates, spend romantic evenings with them but he doesn’t take me. If I ask he says he is busy.
But the worst thing is there is no physical expression of love between us and its been 7 months since the affair ended. When I asked him, he said he doesn’t feel “that way” with me. What does that mean? I do not feel loved at all. But everytime he begged me for another chance, he used to tell me he loves me so much, he made a mistake etc. But the moment I agree to stay, he treats me like just his maid and nothing more. His emails to her were so romantic, pining over her. But he doesnt show verbal or physical expression of love to me. I keep praying. Am I making a mountain out of a mole-hill or is he still in love with that woman? The affair was for 4 months, but it was serious according to her -she wanted to introduce him to her parents, meet her family. I definitely do not want to break this marriage.
When two people marry it’s for Life. They pledge their love, affection, both emotional and spiritual to the other person. God sees all things. That is why if one person is unfaithful the other senses it. And when the unfaithful one realizes the other person knows that they have been unfaithful their guilt is multiplied 100 fold. They must make amends with God first and the spouse second.
Thank you. This has helped me a lot. And has helped me to find some peace and hope
This is great! I actually go to Mark Driscoll’s church! I love his teachings and I loved this article you wrote. I actually just wrote an article on this topic. I would love if you checked it out. http://beautythroughashes.com/transparency/i-dont-feel-in-love-anymore/ I love my husband even though I may not always feel it. I had about 5000 views and people admitted that they felt that way too.
LOVE your article, Christie. Thanks for sharing it with us. I’m hoping it will inspire more people to persevere through the “drought” times in marital love, to work towards the better and best of times. I know… my husband and I had to do this and now we are madly in love with each other. I love your analogy of parental love because you’re right… there was a time (more than once) that I didn’t like or think I loved them, but that sure changed later in life. I’m reminded of James 1:4 where we’re told, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
There IS a difference between being IN love and loving someone. I love my parents and kids and I would die for them -but I am not IN love with them. Being In love means that there’s some special ROMANTIC bond that makes people want to be together. Sometimes the things that brought people together that way die over time because ppl change and if they don’t make an effort to maintain a certain level of romance in their relationship -that bond dies. NO woman or man wants to spend the rest of their life with a roommate they don’t desire or have much in common with anymore.
It’s a choice. Make the correct choice.
It’s not as simple as making a choice. The other person in the marriage has to make the same choice. All marriage advice always comes with the spin of fixing what we’re doing wrong. Well, sometimes, we can do everything right and the other person refuses to love you back. And as time goes on, you do get weary and it becomes impossible to have romantic feelings for someone who makes you miserable.
I’m in this boat myself. I love my wife dearly. I try to correct the problems with my own character. Although both Christians, we were different people when we married. She has become ultra-conservative in her convictions, almost cult-like, in my opinion, and has tried to ram her new convictions those down my throat. And then, from time to time, she comes off with the whole, “I love you, but not in that way” nonsense.
I have to remind myself of Jesus undying love. But there is a limit, even with God’s love, because when not received, it ends with His judgment and wrath. I’m so depressed at times because I feel biblically trapped in a marriage I don’t want, and the only help I find is the “how to fix me” stuff. I honestly pray that God would return for us, or have her leave me, because I don’t want to sin to try to find relief from misery. Isn’t it sad to live a life this way?
But please don’t lecture about choices. Some of us have made those choices that have never been reciprocated.
I made the choice to stand and am close to having her divorce finalized. She has not acted as a wife for years and yes, it is hard to bear. I’ve fallen and I’ve gotten back up. My choice. My teenage daughters have benefitted from my stand. God bless you.
I do not believe the Lord would want us to stay in a loveless marriage. Physical love is important and if that desire for the other person is gone and you have tried hard to get it back, but it did not return, there comes a time you have to walk away. I think some people can get back the “in love” feeling with time and energy spent on the marriage and every marriage deserves all the time and energy one can put into it to get this romantic feeling and desire back.
But, if you have really tried and just cannot change the way you feel about your spouse, there comes a time when staying will only harm you and your partner. You will begin to feel trapped, depressed, and resentful of your spouse…not healthy for you, and not healthy for your spouse. Some people are probably able to get those good feelings back, and some people do not get them back, but are able to stay in the marriage and be happy and content with the good things their spouse and the marriage does for them.
But, for the ones that have tried and just cannot be affectionate to their partners without feeling bad about themselves, I think they have to leave. To spend your remaining years unhappy will only lead to depression and sickness, and it certainly is not a good situation for the spouse you do not feel physical feelings for any longer. Both should be free to enjoy their remaining time on God’s earth.
I agree with you Nim. I love how you said put it. Thank you.
God has revealed to me in my life that my “happiness” is not dependant on my spouse. In fact “happiness” is a fleeting emotion that can come and go, and is dependant upon how my attitude is toward something. And to put the burden of “happiness” on someone else’ shoulders is a sure way to set yourself up for disappointment, and to crush that other person with the weight of something they cannot provide.
Christ is the only way to find true peace and joy. When we put our trust and hope in Him, He will never let us down. What God also revealed to me is that the “world’s” way of marriage and love is all about “what does my spouse do or not do for me?”, or “what am I getting or not getting out of this marriage?” This is the enemy’s lie! Christ came to this earth fully God, the King of kings. He could have easily demanded he be worshiped and served, but instead he served others. He healed the sick and comforted those who needed comfort. He washed the feet of his disciples. He was the example that we are to follow. Did Jesus worry about his own happiness? He was obedient to the Father, obedient unto death. He shows us that even though circumstances in the natural may not make sense, God’s plan and way is always the best for us, not what we think is the best for us.
God has shown me when my hope is in the world, I will get the world’s results. When my hope is in the Lord, I will get the Lord’s results. When I made a vow to my wife, I pledged my love for better or worse, not until I didn’t feel like it anymore. To pledge your love is to do what you can do for them, not what are you getting out of it from them. How are you blessing your spouse every day? If we bless and serve others, we are blessed beyond belief.
God loved us first. While we were yet sinners Christ died for each and every one of us. I realize that whether or not my wife loves me or not, I have made a vow before God, to love her and cherish her until death do us part. I learned that I was selfish. I learned I need to die to myself every day. I’ve learned the only way to true peace and joy is having a right relationship with Jesus Christ. He is first! My wife is second. My kids are third. Family, friends and others are fourth, and I know and trust that Christ will provide me with everything I need.
He gives me grace everyday to lay my life and selfish wants and needs at the cross. God has revealed that the idea that there is someone better out there is a lie. Its a trick of the enemy to steal kill and destroy marriage, which is God’s representation of his relationship with us, the body of Christ. I must be obedient to Jesus. He has a plan and a purpose for us. If we humble ourselves, I think we can find joy and peace in our present circumstances, and it has absolutely nothing to do with whether my spouse is loving me or not loving me, being nice to me or being mean to me.
My hope and my trust is in my savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Be blessed, and please prayerfully consider what your true motivation is. Am I sharing the lignt of Christ, or am I living my life the world’s way and seeking what pleases the flesh? Glory to God, and praise our Lord Jesus Christ.
Thank you so much Greg! That was spot on. I am learning to separate my feelings from the commitment I made when I got married. Things have been difficult recently with my husband but I have decided to keep my commitment and responsibility as his wife. I don’t know how far I can go, but I take one day at a time and trust in God’s grace.
This is exactly what I am struggling with. The love I now have for my husband is more of an Agape, or brotherly love, not a romantic love. I find myself craving a romantic love I’ve been trying to be strong for many years, but I’m faltering.
Thanks Cindy for the LOVELY sermon. I have been in conflict with my emotions of lately because my ex partner and I were together for 4 years and it has been hard to go and meet other people. Though we were never married, I can identify with everything you said. God brings people in our lives that treat us better than we ever thought possible and when that happens we love it. But as soon as we see them making mistakes we forget that they too are human and we stop working on our relationships.
There is a lesson here. True love is what God sends but it is up to us to keep it true. I blamed my ex boyfriend for being the reason why we broke up. What I didn’t realize was that he too was bound to make a mistakes as he is human, and it is my duty also to realize that as I had once believed he was a God-sent Angel, I needed to believe in God to pull us through no matter how many times we found ourselves in a slump because that’s what we used to say.
I felt like I didn’t love him but after reading this I also realize I made my mistake and he never left me. What I get you are saying is, we should work on us, our partners and relationships because these days it is hard to find good relationships, let alone a wonderful one and I had a wonderful one. I also learned that we should respect our bodies and that has been one thing that has prevented me from moving on because for 4 years I was intimate with one man and I had planned to have it stay that way.
There are people out there who are sick, angry and ready to spread the sickness and claim lives. I could be on my way to being the next victim, knowing on the other hand, I had blessings and took them for granted. I might just meet one of them and end up sick myself and again blame God. God sent me an amazing man but I bailed out on him and our promises that I made to him and God. Thank you very much. I will be calling my ex and definitely work things out with him and find God again.
Reading what you wrote was highly inspirational- your words made me want to fix my own marriage even more. Reading of your decision to call your mate and repair what you had mistakenly almost given away gave me great hope and caused me to feel joyful! I pray that the two of you are successful in healing your love. I hope your partner receives your love and open arms with the same in return… How I pray that is the outcome of your decision to reconcile. I hope you get married in the end. By reading your words, it is quite evident that you are a special woman, a good woman. Please let us know of the outcome. I would very much like to speak to you woman to woman. I would love very much to have a friend who has faith as you do. You are in my prayers.
I also want to add that if your partner is not at first willing to reconcile… do not despair or give up. It may take him a while to move past his hurt… but you’re meant to be together and I pray you stay the course through all odds and obstacles.