If your spouse says to you, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” … OUCH! You are experiencing a big OUCH to the Nth degree! Even if you’ve said those words to your spouse, I say OUCH! Those words cause a lot of pain to a lot of spouses. And it causes a lot of pain and huge upsets to a lot of families.
When those words are given, you are either the giver or the receiver of that pain. Either way there are horribly hurt feelings that are involved!
I Love But I’m Not IN Love With You
Tragically, that phrase of loving, but not being in love with the spouse is being said by marriage partners everywhere we turn. It’s like a deadly plague that is pushed out in epidemic proportions. And it’s infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness. That’s because that’s what it is!
Now, I’m not throwing verbal stones. I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage. As a result, I just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him. I concluded that I didn’t love him anymore and that this “love” would never return. All I could think was, I wanted out! So I understand the reasoning involved in saying those words. And it almost brought the death of our marriage.
Thankfully, God intervened and opened my eyes. All was not hopeless. I just thought it was. After some convincing, God then helped me to resurrect a new love—a true love for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work). And we have a deep, deep love for each other. Years before, I would never have thought that would be possible. But it was.
Because of that experience, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you, or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will benefit from what I’ve lived, and learned.
Lessons Learned
Through the things I’ve experienced it has been revealed to me that: We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone.
Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience. But when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to leave and jump into the next emotional high of “love.”
And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.
“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM. So I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.'” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But…“)
Love is more than feelings.
Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love. But you could actually be experiencing temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season. These feelings are unsustainable in the long-run if you don’t follow through with decisions to help it to grow.
A lot of this is discussed in a Today’s Christian Woman article written by Leon Scott Baxter titled, “We’ve Got Chemistry.” But I’ll sum up a bit of what he wrote in this article (and other talks I’ve heard him give on this issue). He writes:
“Why isn’t my relationship that exciting? The easy answer: because that’s ‘new love.’ That’s fresh love. That’s the love we used to have. Phenylethylamine (PEA) is one of the culprits for the excitement of ‘new love.’ PEA is a brain chemical that acts like an amphetamine (yes, the drug) during the early stages in a relationship. Your body reacts to it like it would an upper. But it’s without the harmful side effects and embarrassment of failing a urine test.
“Another effect of PEA is the release of the chemical dopamine. This little neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger that sends a message from one nerve cell to another in the brain—boosts both our energy levels and our motivation. Why do you think men write love letters and wear cologne and take showers early on in relationships? They’re being flooded with dopamine.”
Another thing that contributes to “new love” is:
“The hormone of desire. That would have to be testosterone. Dopamine is the spigot to testosterone’s faucet; but it’s not a hormone just for men. Testosterone is present in both men and women. It’s released to prepare our bodies for intimacy.”
This particular article (and other talks Leon has given) goes on to talk about “new love.” This is something we all know about. It’s exciting, and causes us to go into a euphoric state, physically and emotionally. I remember when I first thought that I was falling in love with my husband Steve. It was one of the most exciting times of my life. I thought about him all the time. I also overlooked his faults and only saw the “good” in him. It was a lovely time. Who doesn’t enjoy that kind of a ride and want to get back onto it?
Other “Contributions” to Feelings of Love
Other chemicals within us that contribute to the feelings of “love” that Leon Baxter talks about are Endorphins:
“They are the neurotransmitters our brains release to reward us for good behavior. When we win, laugh, exercise, have sex, or fall in love, endorphins are released. They’re the reasons why we want to continue winning, laughing, exercising, having sex, and falling in love. Endorphins motivate and energize us. They make us feel happy and alive. Additionally, they allow us to cope with stress easily.”
There’s also, Serotonin:
“It’s a neurotransmitter that women produce during the ‘romantic love’ phase. Serotonin eases women, relaxing them, allowing them to feel comfort, contentment, and optimism. But that’s only true if their husbands give them the opportunity.”
Two other chemicals that contribute are:
“The cuddle chemical …a pleasant side effect of increased serotonin is the release of oxytocin. This little bugger is just phenomenal. It’s been called ‘the hormone of love,’ and ‘the foundation of romance.’ It’s even called ‘the key to lasting relationships.’ And, get this, it affects both men and women. Not bad, eh?
“Oxytocin lets us bond with the ones we love. Instead of insomniac thoughts of our love interest, we feel peacefully warm, loving, and affectionate toward him or her. The release of oxytocin is often triggered by touch. This includes a hug, back massage, even a gentle brush on the neck. But the hormone can also respond to other types of cues. This can be a whisper in the ear, a song on the radio, or a pleasing fragrance. When oxytocin is doing its job, we feel the need to romantically or intimately touch the one we love. And this in turn, releases the flow of the hormone in your mate.”
New Love
When you look at all of this going on within our bodies, it’s no wonder why “new love” can be exciting. We’re on a bio-chemical high — one that scientist believe starts to dissipate “somewhere after one-and-a-half to four years.” It’s a time when “the body grows used to these natural stimulants that bombard our systems during ‘new love.’ When that happens, love changes.”
It has to, our bodies couldn’t take the continual high. But much of this chemical stimulation can still be experienced, plus new, more satisfying feelings can be lived out with your spouse, if you do the things that triggered the Oxytocin, and seratonin and such, that we first experienced when we “fell” in love. We’ll talk about that a bit further down in this article.
I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. It’s easy to see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love.”
She wrote:
“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind. You may sleep with a shirt left behind, or listen to a song that reminds you of him or her. Perhaps you’ll listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.
“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning them into positives (‘He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).
“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)
After the Infatuation Passes
Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.
After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.
As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:
“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”
And it sure wasn’t enough for us —at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.
It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:
Love is both a noun and a verb.
In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.
Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient“, “kind“, “does not envy“, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.
What IS Love?
“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Fertel)
Noun and a Verb
God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith to grow true love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I still needed to be loving in my actions, even though I wasn’t experiencing the feelings of love. As I did that, eventually the feelings did come along for the ride. I decided to do things for Steve, “as unto the Lord” and trust God for the result. I needed to exercise mature love. This is the type of love that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.
“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love —and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.
“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Fertel)
I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help.
I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for. It’s all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses. They thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well. As a result, our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.
It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.
A Journey
For me, it was a journey that God took me on to learn what real love was all about. I needed to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways. Then I learned more about my husband, and worked on my own issues. I became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.
I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:
“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?
“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. Also, it means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the web site article titled, “Fall in Love with Your Spouse Again”)
Something marriage expert, Mort Fertel says applies as well:
“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).
I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir.” You may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.
Your Journey
I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for your pain. It may be that you need to keep asking God to show you how to endure without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.
I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible. They probably saw no end in sight to their situations. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.
Not Giving Up
I think of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert. Then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (despite continual discouragement), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed; and prayers were answered.
I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold. History records how close they came to victory. But someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. That’s because they gave up JUST before the going got good.
What I Can Tell You
I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. But I do know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
God is Here for You
I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect. God’s ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.
When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.
He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.
Don’t Have All the Answers
This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.
Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following Crosswalk.com article may help you better understand this concept:
• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love
Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors. I’d like to pass them along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation. Eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.
When a person says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you,” not only is it emotionally traumatizing for the person on the receiving end of those words, but it’s also confusing. “Where did their LOVE run off to?” And “how can I make sense of all of this?” And “what do I do about the love I feel for my spouse now that he/she says ‘I don’t love you?'” can be a few of the many, many questions that come up.
Other Issues
The spouse who is delivering this horrible message to the other spouse is actually wrestling with other issues:
“The excuse ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is nonsensical. Let me tell you why. There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy.
“What you’re really feeling and should be saying is ‘I don’t want to love you anymore.’ It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.
“The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have.'” (Angie Lewis from the Beyondprose.com article titled “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You Anymore)
As I said before, feelings can come and go.
“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Fertel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.” …You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)
Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Do What It Takes
IF eventually, your spouse will listen to reason, and will put effort into making your marriage work once again, you both need to do what it takes to bring love back into your everyday lives with each other.
“The key to love is attention. More specifically Brett Williams, the author of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married: Love-Based Solutions for Couples
, believes that love is the free gift of our attention. ‘When couples are dating they bring all kinds of attention to each other on a daily basis. As a result, their love is never stronger. But after the vows are given, the pair stops pursuing. Their attention is instead turned toward their careers, their new family, and taking care of the home. This is when their love becomes starved for attention. And this is where the feeling of closeness begins to wane.’
“’Intuitively everyone understands this relationship between love and attention. This is so much so that the words are used almost interchangeably. Therefore in order to reconnect they need to bring attention to one another. What they need is a weekly date night.
“’A movie and dinner is not going to cut it. The way couples typically date brings very little attention. For the dates to be effective in creating closeness they must follow the principles that govern love/attention:
1) Attention is drawn to novelty
2) Energy grabs attention
3) Attention comes in three forms
“’A great date will contain variety, vitality, and attention in a style the other person wants.’”
Romantic Ideas
To obtain ideas to get you onto a good footing to grow your love, please visit the Romantic Ideas topic. We recommend you glean through and use that, which will help you to grow your love for each other.
Lastly, on this issue, here’s a portion of what Pastor Mark at Mars Hill Downtown Bellevue said in a sermon titled, “Friends with Benefits.” It’s something for you to prayerfully consider:
“People may fall out of repentance, but they don’t fall out of love. God tells us we can love our enemies. How? Because love doesn’t begin with or emanate from us; God is love. Even when we’re not feeling particularly friendly toward our spouse, we can still love them with the love that God gives.”
Wish
I/we wish new and true love could be infused into your spouse’s heart for you. We also wish love could develop instantly in your heart for your spouse! Unfortunately, learning to love again and anew, takes more than hopes and wishes. It takes intentionality to learn what God can and will teach to those who are willing to participate.
Steve and I can’t do much more for you than what we offer in this article and on this web site. But what we can do is point you to the One who can renew your hope. We encourage you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing. He can help in ways you may not be able to imagine.
In Closing
I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage
You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should. But you can ask God to keep your heart, mind and focus centered on doing things His way. You can ask Him to give you peace of mind in the process.
When you don’t feel in love, here’s a prayer:
“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU. I cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my marriage, You will never leave or forsake me.
“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You. You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. Please help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psalm 62:8).
Heavenly Father:
“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You. I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.
“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).
“We may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done. Yet I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).
“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
I agree with some of this… However, for me and my husband, we have been together for 3 years and married one of it. We moved to a new town shortly after dating, where he was very often telling me he was going to leave me and move back to our home town. My youngest at the time was often in trouble and threating and atempting to kill herself. I was so in love with Dan. He made this all easier to deal with. I also felt it was just because he was in the house all the time and did not work.
After a a while he got a job and things were okay. He was still telling me he was going to leave me but not as often. We were very open about our past and our feelings. However, now after all this time, he will say, “You love you job, go live there. Go have your boyfriend do it. You are on the phone with your boyfriend. The next time you need to go to the hostipal have those people (work people) do it, I am not.” And so on. I have slowly stopped loving him the way I used to. I want to, and I try, however, every time I start to he says things.
The hurt is not from the past, it is from him. This hurt has frozen me. I no longer wear mascara (which is the only make up I wore). I no longer want to share anything with him. Our lastest fight was because I want a mother’s ring from my three children, and he wants me to put his girls on it too. I do not feel that is right, and once again his words left me feeling that I am a a very bad person.
So after all of this, what I do not like about the article and most ones like this is when, or if my husband reads it, he will only focus on the part that says I am probably already cheating on him or have someone lined up. Neither are true… yes does this happen, of course. I am faithful to my husband as God has told me to be. Still I know I am not in love with him. I just am angry. This article is probably one reason why he thinks the worse. Why do you not try to look at the point of the emotional broken women that still hold her faith in God before all, and the pain and confussion she is in?
Robin, can I respectfully ask what parts of this article makes you feel as you expressed in your last paragraph? “…what I do not like about the article and most ones like this is when, or if my husband reads it, he will only focus on the part that says I am probably already cheating on him or have someone lined up. Neither are true… yes this does happen, of course. I am faithful to my husband as God has told me to be. Still I know I am not in love with him. I just am angry. This article is probably one reason why he thinks the worse. Why do you not try to look at the point of the emotional broken women that still hold her faith in God before all, and the pain and confusion she is in?”
I went through some of what you state–my husband thought I placed my job above him and told me so but only after the feeling was so great in him that he suggested divorce. I also was being hurt from him and not from past relationships (he was actually my first ‘serious’ relationship) and he actually stated very angrily that he knew I wanted him to see how I felt but he wasn’t going to do that (probably about 6-8 years into our marriage); I too stopped loving him as I once did (more than once in our marriage); mascara also is the only makeup I have ever worn; his hurt froze me also and I not only didn’t want to share anything with him I didn’t want to see him / hear him / smell him. (Lol, I can laugh about stating that I didn’t want to even smell him now but during these times I truly felt that way).
Being there and doing that I can relate to any woman or man who finds them self ‘falling out of love.” It is painful to be on either end. Because I can relate I like to understand others ideas and I am so sorry for not understanding fully your feelings of this article. Is it that the article states (and I quote) “‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out? It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM…”???
As I sit here on Mother’s day with my 4 children feeling the weight and pain of where my marriage is going I came across this article. My husband and I have been together for 9 years. It has truly been the most difficult 9 years of my life! We have mostly had a bad marriage but had those days,weeks and months of truly loving one another.
My husband has no problem telling it how it is and has told me more times then I can count that he does not want to be with me. He has left multiple times and always came back usually with me asking him too (for the sake of our family of course) it came to a point where a one time affair happened on my end.
I couldn’t emotionally take it anymore and made a decision that I will always regret. Well needless to say our marriage became worse but I have worked non stop to show him my commitment and love over the last 2 years. He has had many ups and downs and pretty much puts all the blame on me. God has tought me through this time how imperative it was to keep Him number 1. To put my trust in Him.
Well about 3 months ago my husband threw me a surprise wedding renewal with all of our family present. I was ecstatic to feel God had answered my prayers and we could finally move forward. Not even a month later during a disagreement my husband tells me he does not love me and does not want to be with me! I was crushed! I didn’t understand. It was all so confusing. Things have only become worse. I have tried to stay loving and peaceful through it but I feel so hurt.
Now we are at a point where he is about to leave and even though I don’t feel much love for him I’m trying to still be loving. Today was so hard and this article gave me hope! Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. They have helped me to grab even harder onto God and just trust!
God Bless you and be with you
For a few years, I’ve had to listen to my lady utter those words: “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.” I figured when she told me AGAIN yesterday that it would be another “cycle” she was having. I’m honestly tired of even having to hear that sentence. We’ve been together for 8 years (no children, but tried) in what one would consider a very compatible relationship (very rarely fighting or in discord).
I’ve invited her to leave and find happiness elsewhere if she could, but she always came back to me. Now I’m at a dangerous crossroads for our relationship, where I am growing tired of having to listen to her words that she “loves me, but not in that way.” I personally think she is very confused between the meaning of “lust” and “love.” I’ve tried talking to her about this many times in the past years: lust is temporary and love is forever. I think I’m done talking and having a one-sided relationship, where I put all my effort, trying to nurture it, and getting nothing in return.
I don’t know if it’s time once again to bend over backwards to try to salvage this relationship (and having to hear the infamous sentence once again in the future), or if it’s finally time to cut bait and move on. I feel like I’ve done all that I could and I’m on the verge of giving up on this relationship.
All I know is that I’ve prayed and prayed for God to bring back the love I once had for my husband and so far nothing happened. God has answered many of my prayers, but this specific one wasn’t answered and I got tired of faking. Because I was so miserable in our marriage, my love for him eventually died. He’s changed, but the love is still not back. Even his personality has become annoying and irritating to me. He is so incredibly needy/emotionally dependent and it drives me nuts.
He does have wonderful qualities, but when the love is dead, it’s dead. It disgusts me when he tries to kiss me… I can’t imagine getting sexually intimate. I feel terrible, but at the same time I think it’s best to let him find someone else who will love him and give him all the constant attention that he needs. If I stay in this marriage, both of us will suffer. His needs won’t be met and I’ll be miserable and always trying to avoid him.
For me, that’s already a divorce…just not on papers. It’s really complicated. His friend has a horrible marriage and yet “managed” to stay in it for the sake of the family. I think it’s interesting when people say “for the sake of the family” as if the kids don’t notice the stress and tension from mom and dad. Who are we kidding? Even if you don’t fight, the kids will notice the lack of love and affection or even lack of communication in the relationship. Also remember, your kids will someday grow up and have their own family.
All I can say is PRAY and get counseling (from at least 3 different marriage counselors) before making any decision. At least it’s what I plan on doing. But at least one of the marriage counselors won’t be a Christian (for me it’s about hearing from all different perspectives). God hates divorce, but he hates all sin…including the ones we commit daily. Why do we obsess over some sins and not others?
Vanessa, my husband and I have been married for over 35 years and have 2 sons. We dated for 2 yrs b/4 marrying so we have spent most of our lives together but not w/out its share of “falling out of love.” I’m so blessed that our relationship didn’t end up in divorce and we both talk about that fact. Three times it came close, despite the fact that we rarely ever even argued throughout the 37 years; we still both experienced the “I don’t know what to do about how I now feel.”
My emotional needs weren’t being met, he was hardened towards me and I couldn’t understand why, I felt so unloved / un-needed / unimportant / unattractive / neglected / forgotten / and lonely. I chose to be a stay at home mom when offered the choice after only 3 yrs of marriage because it was important to both of us, but in doing so I lost adult contact. I focused so much on my sons; we lived in the country with not many families and even fewer with children my son’s ages so I was a very lonely person not having a ‘partner’ anymore in my marriage. Now that I am over 50 I still don’t have many adults that I visit or routinely speak with but I have my friend and soul-mate every day of my life–my husband.
The number of adults I currently talk to or visit with is quite similar to what it was way back when, but I’m not lonely now like I was then. The reason for this is that my husband and I went thru ‘hell’ (not cursing but the place of torment and anguish) and survived. It took a LOT OF WORK and I have to say that there were MANY times that I said to myself, “Why do ‘I’ always have to initiate the building back of our marriage?” We went thru more than one go-round and each time it was I who noticed that a change needed to take place or else–divorce. The first time was when our two sons were very young, not even in Pre-K yet. We loved each other but “fell out of love,” for lack of a better way of stating it. I believe many can relate to and understand the feeling of ‘falling out of love’ and that is why I chose to state it that way.
The important thing is that even though one or both feel that the relationship is doomed for divorce it doesn’t have to go there. Marriage is salvageable. All good things are worth fighting for and I married for better or for worse. No one ever said it would be so hard–the part of wedding vows that says “for worse.” My husband is the dominant personality and I am the passive personality so to answer my own question, that is why it was me who always initiated the building back of our marriage. It really doesn’t matter who begins the process the important thing is that someone does. I listed the emptiness I felt being married to my husband and how unfulfilled I felt but I also knew that there was love once and I wanted that again. I didn’t marry to get divorced, to be a statistic; I married forever and that takes WORK when I felt the least bit interested in doing the work. I’ll not reiterate the things I read on this site because I found this reading to be much of what I have learned over my 37 years of being with the man I ended up marrying.
I never sought out professional help like thru a marriage counselor or even had any friends to discuss my situation with. I learned through the hard knocks of life and the desire to rekindle the love we once had. I knew if I put time into our marriage as I did when we were dating I believed all would work for good. I will say this though, I started with me. Struggles change both the wife and the husband but often times we see only ‘our’ feelings (‘our’ needs) and don’t realize that our spouse is probably going through much of what we are. I set aside me, even though I didn’t want to after all I had needs that “I” needed met. I examined me, even though it was painful; sure he had changed but I discovered I had also–painful to come to that realization. I looked at how I made him feel loved and things I had done to make him know just how special he was to me.
As I underwent this self-examination I painfully realized that I had slowly quit doing many things that fulfilled his needs and made him feel my love–we both had, but this was a self exam so I’ll stay focused on me and how I changed. I didn’t do this consciously but life settles in and since we’ve already caught the love our of life we lose focus. Life happened–raising 2 young children practically as a single parent due to the work load and stresses he had on his plate –so I was exhausted and overwhelmed with “my” life’s stresses. Often times it’s when life hits us that we lose focus on our relationship. Marriage isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. Just because we have attained the prize–won our wife or husband through marriage–doesn’t mean we stop doing the things that got their attention to begin with and then kept their attention enough that they decided we were the one for them.
I fought for my marriage by GOING BACK TO THE START. I saw a movie a couple of weeks ago called The Judge and the ending song caught my attention. It was singing of what I did; I went back to the start–back to doing what made him grow fond of me and want to spend the rest of his days with me. The song is called The Scientist and the song and lyrics can be found on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v525UGbA448
TO GO BACK TO THE START and make my spouse my focus (instead of focusing on what ‘I’ was needing) was hard to do; I will admit at times it can make one almost feel bitter. I say bitter because when I committed to do this, things were not appreciated or even noticed for some time and if one is not careful one can become bitter quite quickly and then stop the efforts. That scenario can make a person lose site of why they’re doing this, to cause their spouse to understand they are loved, needed, appreciated, etc. which was easy for me to do while we were dating and at the beginning of our marriage. At that time in a relationship all this comes so naturally but once a marriage feels like it is over with it is hard to do because I didn’t feel loved, needed, appreciated, etc. It becomes hard because it is the “I” things that get in the way and cloud up the waters of love. I loved him but didn’t love what he had become but I realized that I had a part in that as well as his workload and highly stressful job.
It hurt to realize that he needed me more due to his stresses (just as I needed him due to my stresses) but I had changed and was not as I once was; again, not on purpose but that doesn’t matter. Neither of us were the same but I was going back to the start regardless. What I had not expected was that once I did begin this new path it became easier and easier to do things for him, the simple things that meant so much to him. It is a PROCESS so don’t expect a positive response soon; it might take weeks. It then became enjoyable enough that I started getting creative and something else I had noticed–he became responsive and he was turning back into who I had married. What do you know? I gave love (even though I didn’t feel like it) and in return I got my husband back. It is a process; our marriage didn’t get to the place it was overnight and it wasn’t going to get back on track quickly.
Sadly our 37 years of marriage experienced the fading stage more than once, but after time one learns to see the signs before it goes too far. Then one gets even better and begins to see them self begin to slip so “I” quickly get myself back on track. Then there came a time when we both became aware that if we don’t both CONSTANTLY work at being in love the other soon feels the repercussions of our loss of focus. It takes a conscious effort to keep the fire of love burning and we believe we’ve got it down now and it only took us like 30+ yeas to learn it, lol. Our next 30+ years will be heaven! I thought I loved him 37 years ago but I never knew the depths of the love we now share could ever be so wonderful. Perfect? No, at times I still feel I could pinch his head off (lol) and he still can become irritated with me but we get over things EXTREMELY quickly because we are on guard of ourselves now.
Fight for your marriage; it’s worth the reward. Salvageable means capable of being salvaged, saved or repaired; worth rescuing and keeping rather discarding or replacing. I can even say (speaking from experience) that marriage can even survive an affair that lasted 1.5 yrs despite the fact that it happened with his first love and not just any woman. I knew his past and of her so it hurt deeply, but my love for him was greater than the hurt. Recently he mentioned that I never threw it in his face; my response was “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He understood that it had been forgiven as soon as he shared with me his spot–torn between two loves. When I forgive, I forget… just as God does when he forgives us. That was 17 years ago and it actually caused him to understand just how very much I loved him. He told me he had never been loved unconditionally. I told him yes he had, God loves him as such.
When you fight for your marriage–go back to the start–you might be surprised to see how much you love your spouse. All things work together for good (Romans 8:28); note that it does not say all good things work together. Bad things can end up producing something good if we give it time and allow it to morph. My husband and I have both realized that it is the struggles that we have worked through all these years that have created the strong and never dying bond we now have.
I can only speak for myself but I was not willing to divorce and start over again because life will always come to us –1st marriage, 2nd, 3rd or even if we just choose to live with someone. I might as well fix the one I was already in; thank You God for all Your help and strength You gave me when I thought I could not hurt more but “more” came to me. Thank You for opening my eyes to see what I needed to do for him instead of focusing on ‘me.’ By showing him love I received love that I soooo desperately needed. We’re both thankful to God for having the other in our life, especially since we’re aware of how much each of us can fall short at times. A good marriage is a work in progress and the work NEVER ENDS; it gets easier but never ends. It’s work that I’ll never cease to tire of because I know how deep the reward is. May all who find this site and read it understand that there can be happily-ever-after even when you’re ready to throw up your hands and quit. Even when the other isn’t responding…prove your love by acting out the love.
One need not be in ‘church’ to have a successful marriage. My husband doesn’t attend anywhere and I had fallen out of service for over a decade. I will add though that it’s easier to serve my husband and put my needs aside in the process of going back to the start because of my relationship with God because of what I’ve learned from the Bible. I think there are rewards we miss out on because we often focus on self rather than others and I speak of rewards in life in general not only in our relationship with our spouse.
MMW – very well said. This is the type of commitment we need in our marriages. Today- it’s much easier to give up, than fight for what is right and sadly that’s the path that most people choose. I’ve been recently divorced after 3 years of being separated. Tried my best to hold on and fight but it seems there was nothing left to hold on to. I was the only one willing to stand, had hope that my marriage would be forever. Its bad when people turn their back on you, walk out on you. Rejection from my wife, the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. Thanks to God I am still here, praying every day that even with my divorce all things would work for good. Today we’re like strangers to each other, 2 young children, the only communication we have is regarding them. We all give up way too easy, to soon. Families grow broken, children hurt, forced to believe this is what family suppose to look like simply because parents try to protect their own selfishness.
Dave I’m so very saddened for you and your family. I said a prayer and will continue to do this for you and the situation you find yourself in. Yes we give up all too easily but I think it’s because we don’t know what to do and we just want to be happy again, not realizing that giving up on a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean a regain of happiness. Yes, it’s hard when only one person is trying and the other isn’t responding or leaves too soon to see that the other person’s attitude has changed and they will “see” love emanating from him/her again towards them.
Separation is a scary thing because once that happens one could see ‘no more’ or ‘few’ arguing as happiness; it isn’t. It simply means that one cannot argue if one is not in the presence of the one in which they argue. Separation = little opportunity to argue but not usually happiness. It brings quietness but not peace. Due to the deep bitterness and hurt it is hard to ‘miss’ the one we have been feuding.
I wish there was a way to begin to ‘date’ (start from the VERY beginning) again. I have no degrees, no letters behind my name so I’m even hesitant to say this. If you guys live close in proximity is it possible to invite her to the zoo with the kids? One could get a generic card and send an invite, but adding that even though you two are not a couple that doesn’t mean (name children) the children cannot have both mom and dad visit the zoo with them. No underlining sneaky stuff but to bring pleasure to (state the children’s names) the children. Seeing us be friendly/cordial one to the other and doing something together for them could be emotionally helpful to them. This is something I would have done if we had divorced when ours were young. No zoo around here but I would have picked something that the children would have enjoyed and enjoyed having us all do together. It might not be the case but in my mind just because a couple isn’t a couple doesn’t mean they cannot do something with the children together in a neutral area without creating expectations on the other person, but focusing on the children while being kind to the other parent of our children. I might be completely wrong.
I know I don’t know you but God does, so when I pray for Dave, his children and their mom God will know exactly whom I am speaking.
MMW, Thanks for your very encouraging words and prayer. I wish that everyone struggling in marriage would come across this site and your comments. Thanks again and God bless…
Great post MMV; thank you!
You are welcome BZ.
So I just came past your post. My husband left me 10 weeks ago saying he loves me but is not in love with me. I want to know how to go back to the start to rekindle that love. I love my husband if not somewhat discontented at times!! We’ve both taken each other for granted and let our own needs come before the others! I don’t want a divorce and believe our marriage is salvageable and has the potential to be even more extraordinary than it was in the beginning. Do you have any advice how I begin again??
Hi Tam, I’m very sorry to read your text… but for sure there is hope!
I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. I just read recently that the main cause of separation, or “falling out of love” is not $ or cheating… but rather a simple failure to maintain the relationship and keep things alive. You can rekindle that love through:
– earnest prayer to God, whose will it is that marriages not only just survive, but really thrive!
– going back to doing the things you did at first- romantic walks, special notes, little outings, taking initiative in the bedroom (a big thing for most men)
– learning what actions / words tell your husband that he is loved (google the “5 love languages” for more information)
– see the site on 100 ways to love hour husband HIS way:
https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-husband-his-way/comment-page-10/#comment-347866
Of course I know that you are separated… but you have nothing to lose and so much to gain by perhaps writing a letter to start things off, in which you:
– own the mistakes you made that contributed to the breakup (putting your own needs first?)
– express your love for your husband
– reaffirm your commitment to make things better.
Please don’t get the idea that these comments are the “little formula” to “fix things.” But I do feel that considering these ideas and putting them into action will very likely start to turn things around. I hope the very best for you, Tam WP (Work in Progress)
I’m living this nightmare at this moment I’ve have been looking for something just like this article to help me understand what is going on. We have had a awesome life together, yes, bumps in the road but nothing we couldn’t get through. But I don’t know if we will make it this time. I’ve seen the change in him for 6 months and I did question it because we went through this before. I’ve asked several times, is it someone else and I get the same answer, no. He says that he doesn’t have a answer that he don’t know why he’s feeling this way. He wants to love me but doesn’t know how. He is so confused and I think depressed. He did get some meds this week so maybe he will have clearer thinking. I’m just lost and I wish someone else could give me answers.
Hey Ch: This is a hard road for sure. I’m in a similar situation. Finally I’m getting to the point, by God’s Grace, to focus on my healing and allowing my wife to have the space she needs to figure out why she feels the way she does. Will an answer or answers ever arrive? God knows I have prayed they will but the harsh reality is your spouse has to figure it out and, God willing, they don’t destroy a good marriage while doing so. What has helped me so far, and its been slow at first is:
1. Reading the Word daily, which I do anyway and PRAY!
2. Talk with good close brothers in Christ who have had similar experiences.
3. Take care of myself by walking, running, biking (basically my exercise routine, even when I only had 4 hours of sleep a night or less when it started).
4. Follow my interests and hobbies-not in an obsessive manner.
5. Love my two boys and make sure I interact with them.
Sola deo Gloria! BZ
Reading these articles really makes me feel like there is still hope. My wife has just recently told me that she loves me, and probably always will, but she is “not in love with me.” We have struggled being together the last 6 months or so. We have just grown apart. The attempts I made to talk about our problems ended up in anger. We never really addressed our problems, talked about changes, and almost just waited til she mentioned divorce.
It took that for me to open my eyes and really realize what I have with her. We have two children, both young, 8 and 3. She is a stay at home mom, which I finally understand what a stressful day she has. Our main problem is that she has built up so much resentment towards me, she can’t allow herself to love me, or even let me love her. It’s hard to believe a couple can let their lives get in such a shape, no matter how good it was. I really do realize that the majority of the problem was from me, and I have accepted it. I was really bad about addressing our differences in front of our kids, which was wrong and really bothered her.
I try Daily, no matter how hard, to show her what she means to me, to show her how much I appreciate her and love her. She says she wants us to work, but just don’t know how to do it. She has been really rude and hateful, and says she does not mean to be, but cannot help it. She complimented me on my actions and behavior towards our marriage the last month or so, but she says that the kind and sweet acts just make her angry, she has so much resentment. I will give her as long as it takes because I know our marriage is worth it, but how can I get her to open up and let the healing begin. I will do anything for her, especially since I know I caused the majority of the problems. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated and once again, thanks for the article.
JA: As strange as it sounds, you need to “Back Off” of your spouse. It doesn’t mean you be withdrawn, curt or anything; it’s more of a quit trying to fix it. For now. Your wife is trying to figure her emotions out. Let her initiate the relationship talks and then just LISTEN to what she says. Even if it’s totally crazy and off the wall just listen without reacting. If she gets upset you’re not to respond. Let her know you’re just LISTENING to her and you appreciate her sharing her feelings and you would like a little time to process what she has said to you. Then thank her for telling you how she’s feeling and shut your mouth.
Outside of the crazy talk, mixed in that will be some element of truth that has had her upset. That’s what you have to mine out of these kinds of talks or I call them ‘listening sessions.’
As a side note, having read some many comments on here I pray for you all. This is a tough road. God Bless, BZ
JA, you’ve made it through ONE of the hard parts–realizing you were part of the problem (a compliment, though it doesn’t sound like it). It was a painful thing for me to come to that same realization. I had stopped doing many of the loving things I did earlier in our relationship. This was not on purpose as if omission was through a conscious effort on my part but the result was the same–he no longer felt special. I later understood that the changes caused him to think he was unimportant, unloved and unappreciated. Raising two young children almost by myself was extremely draining as I was quite overwhelmed. My focus shifted and poor fella suffered from that and I was clueless. This caused a chain reaction and over time he treated me harshly and hatefully. All these things happened slowly over time. Sadly, many cannot admit they are part of why their spouse feels the way he/she does so things continue to erode until divorce occurs.
BZ is quite CORRECT on his take, men are ‘FIXERS’ and women need in their man a ‘LISTENER” because we are EMOTIONAL creatures. I know when we were going through our lows that one of my MAIN needs that wasn’t being met was for my husband to listen to me when trying to express my feelings. I’m not a hot head so I don’t scream or get hateful when talking but I so desperately wanted the opportunity to speak and be understood. He once said to me, one of the few times I tried to express how I felt, “I know you want me to put the shoe on the other foot and see how you feel but I’m not going to do it!” This was said with such anger and hatred and it cut my heart to sunder. My husband was RESPONDING to feelings I expressed that he did not want to process. This, I feel, is a self protection mechanism; people respond with anger to protect themselves from understanding that he/she hurt someone. Once we understand this then we have to face the fact that we hurt our loved one, as well as feel shame for doing such. Responding with anger is easier on oneself, but is destructive to the other and to one’s relationship. When a person feels not listened to or understood it is easy for resentment and bitterness to grow deep roots.
BZ, once again, hit the mark when he said not to respond but just LISTEN–no matter how crazy or off the wall. And what great advice with his remarks about taking time to PROCESS what you’ve heard rather than react or respond right away. This is a vital step–the processing of information. Reason being, when someone is bitter and resentful as “hurt feelings” are expressed they are cluttered with anger and resentment making it difficult to readily see the root of the pain and problems. All the ‘clutter’ needs to be weeded out to “find” the problems that are hidden therein. I have referred to this as getting to the meat of the problem where all the fat, bone and gristle (the anger and resentful expressions) are cut away to reveal only the true meat, the IMPORTANT part. Truly they ARE “listening sessions” (a hit out of the park BZ) and something that too many humans are so ill quipped to do. Often the one on the listening end goes into defensive mode or ‘fix’ mode when the one speaking needs the other to just listen. Listening is not the same as hearing; listening requires concentration–http://www.d.umn.edu/kmc/student/loon/acad/strat/ss_hearing.html. Unfortunately when one person is speaking of serious matters the other is often thinking of rebuttals or goes into defensive mode–an emotional self preservation thing. Time IS truly needed to process what has been said. All that BZ said was so well put and much less wordy than my comment.
I now want to give you a BIG pat on the back JA for realizing your wife’s days are stressful. I can so relate, been there done that many years ago. I think too many working husbands don’t understand that, plus we stay at home wives can feel quite isolated particularly if we left the work force to raise our children. Resentment can creep in and the husband can be quite clueless to why the wife is bitter–“I provide all she and the kids need so why is she acting like this?!” It could be that even the wife doesn’t fully understand why she is so bitter and resentful. It took me being hospitalized for pneumonia when our youngest was only months old for my husband to understand exactly how my days were at home with two young and active kids–easy it is not. I cracked up when he said he’d rather have his job than mine and that he didn’t know it was such hard work. And his job was a high stress one so that said a lot to me.
Other good things are the willingness to give the marriage time and the realization that it’s worth it. Unless one marries for the wrong reason we marry for love. Just because a couple has grown apart does not mean they cannot learn about each other all over again, just like in the beginning of their relationship. Two years ago I found two songs that quite summed up our marriage when we grew apart; they really hit home. I listen to them both VERY often as a reminder not to go back there. Two Different Directions is one of them, Youtube video and the lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMXs1C434B8 and http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/john+denver/two+different+directions_20073436.html
The other song is called Seasons of the Heart. Even though I was very lonely at times in our marriage and felt empty this song reminds me that I caused my husband to feel lonely as well; I was a stranger to him, created an emptiness inside him and didn’t supply his deep inner needs. Youtube video and lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVhTM9oSPOM and https://play.google.com/music/preview/Tx6fr3x6hch6ijsk5xx3yw47mki?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics Both songs made me cry many times because (now on the other side of our struggles) these songs remind me of how “HE” felt, something God helped me to understand. When one is hurting (me) rest assure the other is ALSO hurting (him); something I learned when praying for guidance and help with “MY” pain. Though it might not make sense, my prayers helped me to see “his” pain and in understanding this I made changes in my attitude which caused a change in my actions. Its taken only 37 years of being together to learn how to keep ourselves in check and be aware how our actions/words or “lack of” can effect the other.
In marriage, when we grow apart, there IS hope to be able to GO BACK TO THE START. Three weeks ago in watching The Judge, the end song (The Scientist) REALLY caught my eye/ear and I needed NO explanation for the lyrics. I had lived through it (broken relationship and more than once in our marriage) and knew exactly what the words meant, even the “running in circles, coming up tails” part. In case any are interested in the happy / broken / then happy-ever-after here’s some links (video/lyrics/and background on the song). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A http://genius.com/Coldplay-the-scientist-lyrics http://www.mtv.com/news/1472164/lens-recap-the-story-behind-coldplays-the-scientist/
I too, as BZ is, will keep you in my prayers. After finding this site and reading of the pain so many here are and have gone through I pray for all. It is impossible to call all by name as there are so very many but I know God knows each of you and that He knows each couple’s particular struggles. Since He knows all, I know when I pray He applies those prayers to each person who have commented on this site as well as all married couples who struggle as I have now included even those who have not yet found this helpful site. Pray often and lean on God, that’s what got me through. There were times I would have killed myself if it were not for the Love of God and the strength He gave me to keep on keeping on. When I say I will pray for you I do not say that lightly. Something I have learned over years of praying, I set aside ‘my’ wants in prayers and pray a ‘Thy will be done.” I say this because sometimes what I was asking for would have gotten in my own way had God answered my pray as I wished. I now pray for guidance and for the wisdom to spot that guidance.
Thanks MMA but the school of hard knocks taught me those lessons and I’m STILL struggling to do it right consistently. It’s weird as my situation was caused, on my end, by my own hubris. Unlike most men, I try to be very attentive and romantic. I strive to speak my wife’s “Love Languages” and make her feel loved as she deserves. I help around the house and am glad to do so and without being asked. Usually I’m a very good and attentive listener. My wife has complimented me for years on how I give her attention and she knows I adore her. Friends and sometimes friend’s wives say the same (sometimes to my friends chagrin) as their wives say “Why can’t you be more like BZ?”. All this after almost 11 years in marriage and 15 total being together.
Well last November I got the “I love you, but not in love with you “statement. Now I knew something was up before I got it, but wasn’t quite sure what and WHOA! That was something I just never expected. Problem is I have heard that phrase before. I am 41 now, but back when I was 25 my high school sweetheart and 1st wife said the same thing to me after a few years of marriage. Long and the short, there was another man and she left me for that person and started a new life with him. So when I got to hear that phrase again it brought out a pretty negative response. I melted down and ended up in counseling, which was a good thing as I look back because MMA is touching on something I didn’t appreciate and that’s ANGER.
You see, my first mistake was I put my faith and trust in my good behavior. As long as I met my wife’s needs all will be well right? Well not really. See you can speak love to someone, but are you speaking the right kind of love to that person? As time had gone on in our marriage I wasn’t listening to my wife as well I should have in a few areas and I was hurting her. I had NO idea as she was happy in most others, but it kept building until she felt isolated regarding issues and topics she wanted her voice heard on. Add to this, that my wife is going through a few things that don’t appear to have anything to do with me. It was/ is the perfect storm and we are in it. So my anger takes over and I want justice. Justice for hurt feelings. Justice for what’s right!
You see, when you’ve been cheated on and left before, you can be a bit sensitive to those old feelings, but blowing up and making demands is NOT your best solution. Especially when your spouse is hurting too. It doesn’t mean you be a doormat, but again, things said in anger will get you nowhere! Trust me and the mistakes I have made with this. I went from being a sweet husband to throwing verbal bombs. It made it worse. Since we are all Christians here read the Epistle of James. Great, great wisdom in that book. Especially facing what we face. James spends some time discussing anger and its spiritual problems.
My second mistake, as said in the above paragraph, was saying things in anger to hurt my spouse back. It’s my old defense mechanism if you really hurt or offend me.
My third mistake has been trying to make things right or heal things that are not mine to heal. There is a cold hard reality that I can sum up this way. You can do everything right in a relationship and the other person could still leave you. When it comes to marriage, two people drag baggage into it and it eventually manifests itself. You can only work on your baggage. I repeat, you can only work on your baggage. Besides, you need to anyway to grow as a human being. The other person has to work on theirs…and if they don’t, they may run to something else.
There are sadly, no guarantees in this world except Christ and the salvation He gives us. That is why we can have joy in such pain. I pray we all heal with our spouses and go onto a greater, deeper love with them as intended and like MMA has experienced. She and her husband’s story have been a blessing to hear and I thank her again for sharing. We all have reason to hope. I hope we all look back at these days and times and thank God, that as hard as it was, it drew us closer to Him and brought us reconciliation in our marriages. Sola deo Gloria! BZ
Thank you for the replies and especially the prayers. My wife and I have been together for 11 years this Friday coming. Not to talk about the same thing, but I just can’t see how we have reached this point. We have both had our times of unhappiness throughout the past few months. If we just had taken the time and opened our eyes, we could have easily fixed our problems and avoided the hurt. The more we let our lives drift away, the more anger I would gain. I saw this coming all along, and as I would talk about us drifting apart, nothing would change. I believe my wife let to many emotions bottle up and let to many things that bothered her slide til she reached her breaking point.
She got to the point where our lives revolved around her friends and I did my own thing. When we were all together, I would see the happiness she had with her friends, which killed me because I miss so badly her sharing that with me. The stress in our lives led to anger, not really huge fights, but continuous “spats”. I knew in my heart I was losing her, but just couldn’t figure out how to fix things, just assumed our love would be everlasting.
It has been a month and a half since she told me “I love you, I’m just not in love with you”. Since then, after a couple of weeks, she finally started opening up a little. We are now currently sleeping in the same bed, doing things together, but every time she shows signs of trying to rebuild our relationship, you can plainly see the anger come back to her. When she is willing to talk about us, if we get to deep, as her eyes start to water, I can see the resentment she still has. I honestly feel that God will save our marriage, but it kills me to see her hurt. I can handle the stress and pain, I just wish I could carry her pain too.
She knows I am willing to do anything for our marriage, I just wish she would not look at me now, and just get upset because I should have been doing things like I am now all along. I was once exactly where she is now, I had the resentment and anger towards her. I believe God opened my eyes and showed what a wonderful wife, mother, and friend I really have. I try to give her time and space, but it’s really hard. She is my wife, my number one person, it’s just hard to step back. But, these responses and articles really help. Thank you for the prayers and know I will be praying for you.
JA: It IS hard! I am going on two years of the ‘roller coaster’ of this since it broke last Fall 2013 officially.
What makes it so hard? Well for me things came to the breaking point this past May when my wife said she was thinking about leaving for good. In the end she didn’t, we’re in counseling and God willing working toward full restoration. But since May my wife is actively not speaking my two main Love Languages. She’s withholding them for the most part and she has openly expressed she doesn’t know why? But she just doesn’t want to speak them much. So I’m lonely at times :-(. I’m speaking hers, as best I can during this time and we’re getting along well on the day to day but deep down she still doesn’t really want to be with me at this time. She has told me so, even though I’ve basically corrected what I was doing wrong. This is what I was referring to about taking care of yourself while your spouse figures out things on their end and their baggage.
When I started focusing on my baggage and taking care of myself as I said in an earlier post to Ch above; I can’t express enough of how much that has helped my own personal growth with our Lord and Savior and has kept me from going crazy. These situations require a level of patience from us that is too hard to shoulder on our own. It’s not a mistake that Christ requests we throw our burdens on Him as he’ll carry the impossible for us:-)! These truly are impossible situations. We are so finite we cant see a way out, but He does!
Keep in prayer JA and welcome to ‘walking in extreme patience’. Take notice of the little changes that God is blessing you with, like now sleeping in the same bed with your wife, the fact she IS talking to you even though it’s filled with resentment. Brother…she is talking to you and that is important.
There are days I’m frustrated and could jog to China and back LOL! I call close Brothers in Christ and vent to them, I pray and plead with God to make this right but submit to God that His will be done.
There is so much to say and so little time, but like you I love my wife dearly. Everyone close to me knows how much she means to me as I make it pretty obvious and she knows too! But in the end love and staying together is a choice. Who makes the choice? Both do, not just one. God Bless Brother! BZ
I couldn’t continue reading this after the “‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance.”
I have been with the father of my son (not married) for five years. It was very intense at first and I ignored all the negative qualities he had. I figured I’d save him from them. Boy was I wrong. He ended up dragging me down to his level. Let me explain…
I use to be this outgoing, healthy young girl before I met him. I was terribly irresponsible and made some bad decisions but nothing I couldn’t bounce back from. When I met him, I thought it was fate. I thought he was handsome and charming. I learned so much about him from his childhood filled with abuse (from his mother and brother) to the circumstances of him having to live with his mother again. His mom is a very manipulative person and I know this sounds terrible but if the devil had children, she’d be one of them. I personally witnessed this woman beat him (he’s in his late twenties at this point), call the police and tell them he raped a girl all because her toilet paper holder (that stick thing that has the spring in it) went missing (it turned out that her husband had taken it out and forgot to put it back in. He told her after every thing she did and what did she do? Nothing. She didn’t apologize. Just kept acting like her son, my sons father, was the culprit).
I thought he was a strong person. He went through so much because of his family and I was just so surprised he didn’t kill any one. I felt like he had so many qualities that I didn’t have and I liked him for our differences. I eventually loved him for what we shared in common…but something happened. My family didn’t like him very much and felt he was only using me to make things easy for himself (we went into the shelter system and couples get their own room). When I became pregnant, it pretty much drove the stake through the heart for them because a couple with a baby get their own studio apt in the shelter system. I didn’t see it this way…I was “helping” and “loving”. It wasn’t until I found out I was pregnant that I realized what an insane mistake I had made by intentionally having this baby with no means, no jobs, and no place to call our own. I became a depressed mess and whoever I was when I met him… slowly disappeared.
It started with arguments like “you said, I said” and “I KNOW what I said!”…little disagreements would explode into full of rage mode and a lot of those situations happened in VERY public spaces. I love keeping to myself and not having people in my business. He didn’t care and I’m pretty sure he used this to dominate me. My family were slowly starting to distance themselves from my relationship and the drama. I’m no saint but I feel that my depression took hold of me and locked me up inside because I just couldn’t move. I didn’t care about cleaning, I didn’t care about going outside. I stopped talking to my friends and I even had to delete a lot of them because he didn’t like them. This was just the first year and a half.
Fast forward to this year. I worked at a famous live theater in nyc where a lot of celebrities liked to watch shows (or star in them). I met George Clooney one time and had a brief conversation. I was excited and told all of our friends about it. He became irrational and really mad about it. This lead to him eventually calling and texting me over 200 times and showing up to my job, causing my boss concern. I was so embarrassed!!!! When I got home (my mothers house) he was there waiting for me. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him and just wanted to get inside. He stopped me and he restrained me. He threw me to the ground, bit me, took my keys and damaged my phone (which I bought and maintained with MY OWN money). The police got involved and now there’s a restraining order in place. He never left me alone…but I didn’t want him to go to jail because he’s the father of my child. He would call me asking for forgiveness and did this almost every day for almost two months until I finally caved and went back with him.
Words cannot describe how much I regret this decision. At that point I cared a lot for him. I felt he needed therapy to deal with his emotions and the trauma of what he went through. I told him that was the condition I wanted for him to be with me. He had to wait a month because his insurance had to come through the mail. I thought he would stop his obsessive behaviour but he didn’t. I told him straight forward “I love you, but I’m not in love with you… We do not have a great relationship and I strongly feel like I’m denying myself some one who I’m truly meant to be with and this goes for you too!” That made him SOOO angry!
Although he hasn’t put his hands on me since then, he looks through my phone (I am very faithful and have nothing to hide other than venting to a mutual friend about the problems I was facing with him). He wouldn’t give me my phone and threatened to break it, my laptop (which my father bought me) and any thing else that I could possibly use to communicate with people so that I could “stop talking his business to every one”. I ONNLLYY spoke to her!! Yet he can turn around and tell me about all the guys he’s spoken to and how they tell him that he should leave me and take my son from me!!!! But when I brought that up recently he acted like HE NEVER SAID IT.
Before I write a book I’m just gonna stop here and say that some times…IT’S NOT A COP OUT. Some times it’s a genuine feeling of caring for someone but just not wanting to be the one to stay by their side or giving your body to them. It doesn’t feel right and…I just don’t know how to get out of this. I’m also scared to do it because I don’t know what he’d do. I’m afraid of being left to do everything by myself. I still haven’t grown up and am very irresponsible (I’ve considered giving my son up for adoption. I can’t stop thinking about how selfish I’m being by keeping him with me. I just feel like such a disgrace of a mother and I know there’s a couple out there who would love him and give him the opportunities I’m not able to).
We hear you Raleigh, and thanks for sharing your story. Please stay in prayer and we’ll be praying for you Sister. You are correct, sometimes ILYB (I love you but..) is not a cop out. You are living that story. A good reminder that not all situations are the same. Peace, BZ
I can totally understand the comment “I love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore”. And in my experience if that is being said there is a very strong liklihood that the person it is said to also isn’t in love anymore. In my experience being in love requires a reciprocation of that love and for someone to stay in a relationship for any reason other than love is self defeating AND detrimental to the other person. If you are not receiving the emotional and spiritual support that comes from a truly loving relationship, it is time to move on. While you may truly love the person deeply if they aren’t loving you back in a way that is supportive and allowing you both to grow together, you must tell them “I love you but I am no longer in love with you”. You are doing them a huge disservice to do anything else.
I heard these words but in a slightly different fashion…”I love you but I’m not sure I am in love with you”. I have never in my life heard this statement before and it completely put me in a tailspin… down the road I found out exactly what this meant and it hurt more than anything I have ever experienced in the past. It crippled me for almost 6 months. It put me literally in the fetal position… I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost all desire to excel in college after being on the Dean’s list… flunked one of my finals that was in my major. For 6 months I walked around in an emotional fog. I had no desire to be with anyone. I wanted nothing to do with anyone of the opposite sex.
I googled “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” and found myself here today. Yesterday, my wife said the same to me. She is going through her “40’s (I’m not 20 anymore)” crisis and is unhappy with her job, unhappy with where we live (an nice quiet suburb), unhappy having to meet the needs of two smallish children, and unhappy with her slightly older husband who would be happy with continuity and a peaceful life (we live in Israel and it’s a super stressful place, sometimes). She has had many issues over the years, like shopaholic syndrome, low self esteem, etc., and has gone to therapy several times.
I’ve encouraged her to change her job/profession if that’s what she wants, I’ve tried to make her happy by showing affection, love, support, and listening, but in the end she spends all her free time on the chats or seeing her friends and the rest of the time sleeping. Quality time with the kids doesn’t interest her. Loving me doesn’t interest her. She is stuck and she says she’s the problem, but she doesn’t want couples therapy and says that she doesn’t know what she wants…
I don’t want to break up this marriage – it’s already the second one -but I just can’t seem to get past that 11th year of marriage. I never thought we were the most compatible -being from different cultures, but there was passion and desire and there were plenty of good moments, though she seems to have forgotten them. But I don’t want to live without love and I think after all the efforts (at all levels) that I deserve better, want better. Many have told me so… So, is there a point in dragging out the pain for someone who doesn’t recognize what they have or doesn’t care? What can I do? Be patient? Fight? Or just one of the innumerable who have surrendered to the inevitable cycle of love-rejection….? This world is truly heaven and hell, and sometimes its moment by moment. Ideas?
Hello, I’ve been married coming up on 20 years. Last week my wife was telling me “I love you,” you’re the best husband ever. Now she says “I Love you, but I am not in love with you.” It hit me like a brick!!! She says you haven’t touched me in 7 months. She saw having sugery in August 2015 she said she was giving me signs. I told her why didn’t you act on them (how would I know?) So I agreed with her and said I am so sorry. I said I will work on it. So the minute I start I get now you want to touch me? We have 2-kids one in Collage(18) and one 14 in his first year in high school. She complained about not going to church. So I said sorry and we will start back up. Now she doesn’t want to go to church with me and our son on Saturday.
I just can’t catch a break. Right now she says she hates me and is bringing things up from 5-Years ago when we had money issues and her step-father passed away. I am like, “where is this all coming from?” Kinda funny she had drinks with her mom one night and came home with all this crap. And her mom loves me; I am the only son-in law and my wife is an only child. I am in shock. Now I am a horrible husband and father. What are you talking about? At one time I was a great husband last week. I have no idea where this is coming from. I just lost my mom this year. I already lost my Dad, and now this. After her surgery she is recieving hormonal shots every 2-weeks. What if I can get her to church? Then what – do I just keep praying???
Thank you so much for this article! I heard these words just this week from my spouse of 21+ years. This article and the prayer you’ve shared have given me so much peace and hope! I will sleep well tonight having been reminded that He is control and has a plan!
Thank you for the article. I too heard the phrase “I love you for being the father of our kids, but I’m not in love with you” from my wife before Christmas.
We been together for almost 16 yrs and 3 beautiful boys 4, 5, 10. She apparently found someone online that has fulfilled what I couldn’t and in her eyes she is in love with now. I know with the stress of raising three kids and starting a new business I didn’t show her the love I have for her as I should it done, I was clueless that our marriage was having problems we don’t fight. She would bottle the anger/feelings until she could deal with anymore.
Although she wants a divorce we’re living under the same roof (different rooms at night) since the 4th, we’re talking more now than we’ve ever about our feelings. She has stated that there’s nothing I can do to heal our marriage but at the same time she also admits that she needs to re-evaluate how she thinks (not to think so negatively). One thing we both agree on is that we want what’s best for our kids.
I thoroughly understand that she feels overwhelmed with being a stay at home mom with 3 little ones and not adult contact (except me) with sleeplessness nights and no matter how much I tell her she is love and the foundation of our family she still feels like just a “driver, cook, cleaner”. I have been praying to God asking for his guidance and have place my marriage on his hands as he is the only one that has the power to heal our marriage or break it. I’m giving her the space that she needs and hope that God will answer my prayers. Please pray for us.
Never stop praying and believing on GOD. I been praying and he being the greatest and marvelous that he is granting me my prayers. My wife has agreed to counsel.
I need this right now …will continue to pray… Thank you!
I have a boyfriend who is now just a friend. He said he fell out of love with me a week ago today after my daughter and her friend asked if we were friends with benefits. I asked him to reassure my daughter that we were not. He told me Saturday, that night all I said to him, made him fall out of love with me. He loved me but was not in love, and kept it in for 3 days. We both hurt each other and we both want to find that love again. Is it possible to find it again or should we just let each other go?
I’m about to be divorced. I very much wanted my marriage and I did try, I really did. But how does one stay in a marriage where the other spouse has complete disdain for you, which manifests itself through verbal and physical abuse?
Sarah, honestly, I don’t know. I do know that you can’t allow your husband to verbally and physically abuse you. That is never a viable solution for any feelings he may have one way or another. Please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic to see further insights on this. But beyond what we have posted in the “Save My Marriage” topic and others, I really don’t know what you can do. I DO know that God knows. This is something that only God can give you the insight on, and help you in the ways you need it. Pray for insight, direction, help, discernment, knowledge –everything you can think of that you believe God could and would give you. And trust Him that He will work on your behalf as you put one foot in front of the other, walking the journey, as He leads you.
I know this sounds simple, but I also know that this isn’t. Perhaps watching and reading the testimonies “Save My Marriage” testimonies topic at: https://marriagemissions.com/about-us-2/save-my-marriage-testimonies-3/ might help you to gain faith and strength. Please know that God won’t MAKE your husband wake up and stop his abusive behavior, but He will work on our behalf, and He will work within us to do what WE should do as we trust Him with our future. … I pray this helps in some way. My heart goes out to you. I pray the Lord works in this situation in amazing ways and gives you hope for a brighter future. I pray you sense His love and His presence surrounding you and helping you.