“It was devastating.” These were the first words she replied when I asked Julie sai about her divorce. “Of course the divorce was difficult to handle. But it was the deception of the affair that really tore me apart.”
After only three years of marriage, Julie learned that her husband John had begun having an affair. It had been going on “right under her nose” for at least 6 months.
“I was so angry,” she explained. “I felt violated, humiliated, and stupid for ignoring the signs. I experienced a full range of emotions when I learned about the affair. But the feeling that was foreign to me was the desire to hurt someone.”
“I’m not a violent or angry person by nature,” Julie assured me. “But I was so angry that I lashed out at anyone that came anywhere near me. Since John wasn’t around, I took my anger out on my friends, children and co-workers. Then, when the people wouldn’t tolerate my anger any longer, I began taking it out on myself.”
Damage of Affairs
Julie isn’t alone. In a country where almost half of all marriages end in divorce, and [a huge number of them] involve an extramarital affair, it wasn’t difficult to find people like Julie to talk with.
Cheryl, a manager of a local retail store stated, “Honestly, I just wanted to kill him.”
Gerard was someone everyone believed to have ‘the perfect marriage’ for 20 years. He adamantly stated, “The affair was the ultimate betrayal. I’ll never trust anyone again.”
Of the people interviewed for this article, the comments maintained a common thread of betrayal, loneliness and distrust. Julie admitted, “In a time when I needed people the most, I pushed them away. I started to realize that if I was wrong about trusting my spouse, then who else was I wrong about? I got to the point where every relationship I had was severely affected. This was because of my inability to put my trust in anybody else.”
Julie never dreamed that the people she could not trust would ultimately include herself. Julie stressed, “This world is impossible to operate in with a total inability to trust your own judgment. When you go through this type of betrayal, you lose your direction. And the results have some pretty severe consequences.”
The Children of Affairs
Unfortunately, another common thread within the people interviewed, was the ability to tell themselves, “Hey, kids are just kids — right? They’re young, and they bounce back. They don’t really understand everything that’s going on anyway.”
Amazingly, nearly every individual I spoke with admitted that while they were going through the ‘hell’ of the extramarital affair they found it easier to tell themselves the above statement about their children. This was despite the fact that they knew it to be completely untrue at the time.
“If I could go back,” Gerard explains, “I would have tried more to help my children cope with the pain that my wife’s affair had all of us. But I was so focused on my own pain during the divorce, that it was hard to focus on anyone else.”
Gerard’s son Jason, now a 21 year old victim of his own parents bitter divorce states, “Marriage is stupid. You just wind up choosing someone else down the road anyway.”
Not surprisingly, many children are affected just as dramatically as the parents when a divorce ends due to an extramarital affair. The lessons these children learn from their parents’ actions are scary. They learn how to lie, how to deny problems, how to be selfish, and ultimately, how to never trust.
The feeling of betrayal extends to all participants of a divorce due to a cheating spouse. Is there any wonder why children of affairs and divorce have a hard time with future relationships?
Why do Spouses Cheat?
According to family counselor Jeff Parziale, “Most people don’t want to have an affair. Spouses cheat for a variety of reasons, with a big reason being boredom in their marriage.”
What seems amazingly contradictory to Dr. Parziale’s statement is a series of well-known surveys conducted between 1990 and 2002 by the University of Chicago. They revealed:
• 30% of all adults who say that their marriage is not too happy report having an extramarital affair.
• 17% of all adults who say their marriage is pretty happy report an extramarital affair.
• And a surprising 10% of all adults who say their marriage is really happy , also admitted to having an affair.
With over 50% of the participants of this survey admitting to extramarital affairs, it’s hard to believe that having an affair isn’t a conscious decision making process. So, if people don’t actually want to have an affair, why do these affairs actually happen?
Many Factors
“Today’s marriage take work”, Dr. Parziale explains. “There are many factors in today’s society that influence the success of a marital relationship. Many people cheat because they did not ‘intend’ not to. To avoid affairs, we must have strong boundaries in place to avoid sharing too many intimate details with friends or coworkers. In other words, cheating for many is more about ‘not’ having a plan on how ‘not to’ cheat.”
Shirley Glass, a well-known psychologist who strove to redefine the nature of infidelity prior to her death in October 2003, wrote articles, books and appeared on television programs. She did this to examine how the emotional intimacy of the workplace and the Internet had led even people in successful marriages to slip into emotionally intense relationships. They are ones that could easily lead to affairs.
Dr Glass said that even if these intense relationships did not lead to sex they were a threat to marriages. They are a part of what she termed “The new crisis of infidelity.” The reason is that the emotional intimacy with the friend gradually supplants that with the spouse.
Avoiding the Betrayal
As many of us already know life is not a fairy tale. For Cinderella, the first kiss was all it took. And the relationship then lasted for hundreds of decades. But, for those of us in today’s world we’re still looking for the magic answer to keeping our marriages alive.
Upon researching this article, the answer to a successful marriage doesn’t appear to be as complicated as one might expect. And the answers may just be in looking at what made your marriage happen in the first place. It was the dating period!
Can you honestly say to yourself, “My priorities while the dating my spouse is exactly the same today, as it was then?”
Once deemed courting, today’s dating has become similar to a “cat and mouse” chase. Once caught, it is soon determined by many that the chase is over.
To maintain a successful, happy marriage, it’s important to realize that “dating etiquette” isn’t just for dating anymore. It’s also for keeping marriages in bloom. Keeping a marriage positive, making your spouse your best friend, and having fun together are important. Also, keeping an even balance between “talking vs. listening” with your spouse, is an important deterrent to extramarital affairs.
In today’s hectic world it is more important than ever to keep your marriage fresh and alive. Your spouse should be your best friend. He or she should be your confidant and the one person you know you can trust.
When Suspect An Affair
While you have your own responsibilities in keeping your marriage alive, you cannot control the actions of your spouse. It’s important to realize that if your spouse is cheating, it is not your fault.
A popular, but inaccurate notion is that the non-involved spouse should have to change to recapture the involved partner. A common belief is, “if only the wife paid more attention to the husband, or looked more sexy, or had sex more often, then the affair would have happened.”
If you suspect an affair, but do not have confirmation the affair is taking place, there are several things that must occur. Most importantly, avoid accusations. Inaccurate accusations can destroy a marriage just as quickly as an affair can. Instead, talk to your spouse. Try to determine why you suspect him/her of having an affair. Without throwing out accusations, seek to solve some of the “symptoms’ that there might be something more going on.
If your concerns are with working late—address the issue, not your assumptions. If your concerns are with a change in your sex life—talk about it. And if you and your spouse are unable to solve the issues together, then seek help from a qualified professional.
Trying to Manage Alone
“Too many people try to manage this situation by themselves,” explains Sharon. She is a survivor of a marriage on the rocks. “The only place you’ll see a list of ‘The top ten signs that your spouse is cheating’, is in Cosmo [Magazine]. And the list isn’t meant to help you. It’s meant to appeal to our emotions and sell more magazines.”
Sharon suspected her husband of 18 years of infidelity. “All the Cosmo signs were there,” she confides. “He was distant, and was always working late. Our friendship seemed non-existent. And our sex life was completely dead.”
Sharon and her husband Jim struggled through accusations and arguments. They distanced their relationship even further. Finally, they both sought professional help. “Short of a lie detector test, there was no way I could prove my loyalty to Sharon,” Jim explains. “But that didn’t mean I hadn’t thought about it.”
“It was so tempting to find another friend,” Jim states. “While Sharon was constantly nagging at me, I started justifying that if I was going to be accused of doing it, then maybe I should.”
“It wasn’t until I started thinking about why I was considering an affair, that I realized how bad it would be for all of us if I actually had one,” Jim commented. “If you seek out someone else because things are going bad at home, then it’s only going to make matters worse.”
Professional Help
Jim and Sharon were one of the fortunate couples that sought professional help before things got out of control.
Obviously, the best way to rebuild your marriage is to talk to your spouse. Talk to him or her about your needs, wants, and thoughts. Notably, the best way to prevent affairs in the first place is precisely the same. The best thing to do is to add more positive emotional contributions to your marriage. When efforts toward communication and positive contributions fail, seek professional advice.
After an affair
An extramarital affair is the most difficult situation that can affect a marital relationship. It eliminates the emotional bond between spouses. It also violates the basic trust of each partner. And it jeopardizes the health and well being of both parties.
Dr Glass made an impact among marriage therapists. She stated that “betrayed partners often suffered from post-traumatic stress. This is similar to that experienced by combat veterans.”
According to Dr Parziale, an affair is not only a sexual event. It is an emotional event. It is usually a consequence of the emotional distance between the married couple. In a paradoxical manner, the extramarital affair may temporarily create more closeness between the couple. But it will ultimately sends the relationship into a terrifying tailspin.
Poor Relationships
Usually, poor relationships result in people seeking extramarital affairs. If the relationship has drifted into stagnation, lack of emotional contact, constant conflict, or emotional distance, then the affair will eventually put the final nail into the coffin.
Probably the most important factor in aiding a marriage to recover from the affair is to rebuild trust. In most cases, it’s a rare event. And statistics are less than 2% for marriages to survive the affair. Rebuilding trust usually takes a long time and a lot of patience. It helps to know that the non-involved spouse will have “relapses” into distrust. There are many exercises for trust rebuilding. Letting down defensive behavior, despite the fear, is only one.
Affairs Lead to Divorce
“Most people don’t realize that infidelity is biblical grounds for divorce,” stated one infidelity victim. “Many people at my church just didn’t understand. They hadn’t been through it.”
It doesn’t matter what walk of life you’re from. Extramarital affairs are an equal-opportunity disaster. “Finding support, and understanding the grieving process can be challenging”, Dr Parziale explains. “For both parties, it is like grieving the death of a loved one.”
“For the initiator of the divorce, there are distinct stages. They include alienation, breakup, looking back, mourning, and disentanglement. The letting go process starts early in the disappointments and disillusion of the working marriage. It still requires attention long after parting of the ways has been accomplished.”
For the non-initiator the stages are: shock, grief/rage, distancing, and indifference. The crucial phase is distancing. This is where the non-initiator begins to restructure his or new life without the partner.”
Both parties involved in a divorce go through a grieving process, although it feels and looks much different. Understanding the process for you and your ex partner is important in the healing process.
A Note From the Author:
When I began this article on infidelity I wanted to portray the anger that both spouses felt. It was in talking with the victims of infidelity, that the true nature of this indiscretion came into light. The wounds inflicted ten or twenty years ago are spoken with vehemence. It appears to the non-informed as if the pain occurred just yesterday. Clearly infidelity and divorce shatters lives. Some of the wounds and losses take years to heal. Some never do.
The scope of this topic exceeds the boundaries of the word count that my publisher allows. This is understandably so. Children, parents, families, siblings, friends, co-workers, and neighbors are all affected by an affair. Bonds of trust are broken, in many directions. In many cases they are never re-built.
If you’re considering a “fling” consider the consequences it will bring. Ask yourself, “is this sexual encounter really worth all the complications it will bring?”
This article was featured in the February 2005 issue of the “Good News Tucson” newspaper. The title of the original article is: “Affair Proofing” Your Marriage. It is written by Jennifer Boughton. (All the names in this article have been changed to protect their identities.)
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair
(TEXAS – USA) As women, we naturally tend to give it all when we love, and when we are let down, it really get us down. I have also been a victim of infidelity. It been 2 years since it happened and I am trying to move on with the marriage. Forgiving is an easy part, but moving on is hard, because anything can set it off, any small thing he does can set it off and I feel the pain again. The only thing I have learned is to put my trust in God and look up to him for answers because I can not fight the battle alone.
(AUSTRALIA) Can anyone help me, I just found out that my husband has been having an affair. He started it 3 months after we were married, with 2 woman. We are both Christian people. I have no idea what I am meant to do?
(USA) I recommend you read Dobson’s book- Love Must Be Tough. I wish I had read it sooner.
(USA) My wife of 15 years and 3 children, had 2 affairs and a few one night stands. I am still devastated to this day.
I have been going to S-anon, which is for people who have been affected by another’s sexual activities. It has been a life saver. I am also going to Cosa which is the same kind of meeting.
My wife, as the psychologist had figured out, is a sex addict. She used sex as a child through masturbation to ease her pain and bury her feelings, at least once a day, and many times a lot more. One cannot tell if the other is doing this in private. When they get married they can last a couple of years usually 2 for men, and 7 for women. But then the frequent masturbation must be ramped up into affairs. It is only through this ramping up that they can reach some sort of their sanity. For the spouse it is too big of a problem to deal with alone. So S-anon was formed.
It is sanity; there are books, and there are people with extremely similar stories. I believe most infidelity can be found here and soon the lid will blow off this and be like alcohol was to a.a.. If it doesn’t make sense, this is where you can make sense of it. Hope this helps. There is no cure for the pain it has caused, but there is help.
I am still married with 3 kids and we are making a go of it together.
(KENYA) I want to join the discussion and state my situation and get positive answers/views from Christians and real life perspective without harsh judgment.
(USA) My comment will probably shock a lot of women and men on the mental state of some people. I am a mother and wife of 8yrs. I was blessed with a good and faithful husband. Throughout this marriage I lived mine like I wasn’t marriage. I know where God wants me to be and I try to do right. Between my mental health issue and off again on again pot use, life is never stable.
I always dreamed of having a good Christian man to raise our children right and that is what I got. I don’t receive the sexual attention needed and many other minor details. I don’t want to continue to look for a relationship that will just fulfill me physically, I want the whole package. I’ve tried to develop outside relationships to see where it could lead but it’s never pretty and I go back to my husband because he would never treat me bad.
My biggest concern is that I know I want to be with my husband because God has placed him in my life. But because I do wrong I don’t want to continue in my marriage some days because I know you reap what you sow and I figure I’ll never have someone to be faithful to me cuz I always cheated on him.
Being alone, bipolar and working on recovery are a few things that has hindered me in my marriage. Someone help me because I know where God wants me to be but I’m having a hard time standing still and waiting on God without trying to put my hand in it. PLEASE HELP …PINK
(USA) This message is for Pink who posted on Jan 4, 2009. First, let me start off by sharing with that I know what you are going through because I have been there. I am a Christian having accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior many years ago. My ex-wife was also a Christian, but decided to have an affair, which lasted over six months. We were married for 17 years and finding out about the affair was very traumatic for me, which caused me to go into a severe depression, and forced me to quit my job.
My only regret is that I did not file for divorce first. I was trying to be way to be nice and amicable, which ended up costing me a lifelong payment of alimony to her; that is, until she dies or remarries, or I die.
Second, we all do wrong, however, God continues to love us and bless us through His Grace and Mercy. Therefore, allow yourself to do the same. Meaning, try not to be too hard on yourself.
I have ADHD (recently diagnosed) and major depression and I have a tendency to beat up on myself quite a lot. That said, share with your husband your fears and concerns. If he is like you say he is, then he too will continue to love you. Getting back or going into counseling is paramount for anyone struggling with the imbalance caused by bipolar, ADHD, or recovery.
My lovely wife of two years is very supportive and has also been through quite of lot as a child and adult. I am finally able to share with her some of my concerns and problems. Together, we help each other get through the tough times as they come about. Until God calls us home, we will probable continue to try and take matters into our own hand, but God has His way and timing in showing us what it is we need to do, even though it can take many years for us to learn. I hope this helps…
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am really glad a friend of mine referred me to this site. I’ve been dating a guy for two years who, although has never cheated on me physically, he seems to be having a hard time letting go of certain female friends that have been in his life prior to me.
He said he was ready to commit and would let go but ended up at one of the girl’s houses. When I asked him about it, he said there was nothing that had changed and he was still letting go. How come he ended up at her house then? He has since become very distant, and seems to be mad at me for taking him to task about it. I really don’t know how to trust what he says or can someone shed light on his insatiable need to have these people in his life?
I searched myself and don’t think I can handle it. Please help.
(USA) This comment is to Lucille. I think maybe the reason he gets mad at you is because of his guilt. I know my husband used to get mad at me when he was guilty and did not want me to know. This is one on my list of spousal cheatin behavior. I hope he can sit down and talk with you. And when he is willing, he will tell you what he is thinking or doing. This is an eye opener for you. He may not be marring material. Maybe the Lord want you to know. God Bless
(USA) I have been married for 12 years… three years ago I found out that my husband was having what I thought was an emotional affair with his friend’s wife. Just the other day he finally confessed that he had been having a sexual affair with her for 9 years. He swears that it ended 3 years ago and was afraid to tell me the “whole” story because he was afraid of divorce. I don’t know what to think. He had an affair for 9 out of our 12 years of marriage… what do I do?
I prayed so deeply to God and keep hearing the same answer “make it work”. HOW DO I DO THAT? How can I get past his betrayal for so long? The last 3 years have been spectacular. We have moved 3 hours from where we used to live and our marriage seemed to change. But hearing this now… I don’t know what to do. There were no major signs of infidelity while it was going on. How do I think that he has changed? He has begged for forgiveness and I feel in my heart that he means it, BUT I am not sure.
(ZIMBABWE) I found out my husband of five years was cheating on me in September last year. The affair had been going on for 3 months. I felt betrayed and let down by my husband, friends and relatives of his. What hurt me most was the way he would jump to defend the mistress instead of being remorseful. To me, it was like five wasted years.
I tried going out of my way to be a better wife, correcting things that I thought drove him into the affair in the first place. When I didn’t get positive feedback from him I became angry and aggressive as he continued with the affair – even holidaying with the mistress. He had no care over his child and was completely distant and never there for me.
He finally moved out in May and this is what hurt most. How can he just leave as if I never meant anything to him? He accuses me of listening to rumors and still denies he had an affair. It’s hurting my child and I am devastated. I am not sure I will ever forget what he made me go through. It will be a long while before I learn to trust again. I have no desire in relationships. I think they are just a waste of time and a bunch of lies.
(DBN,RSA) I had three affairs to date…I am married to a wonderful Christian God fearing man. I want to know if I can continue this marriage without confession to him. I will stop my affairs. I love him and my kids very much. Please help.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I had one affair (sexual) that lasted for nearly two years, have since stopped… (2002) not informed my spouse yet… probably never wiil… take it to my grave…. Thorn in my flesh… still struggling with “checking-out” other women… in GOD I trust to completely deliver me… you have to be the one that has to want to stop…. lest it BURNS you… READ the book of proverbs… Chapter 7… or 8… I think speaks about infidelity, etc…
(USA) Wow! I was married 25 years and I had several one nite stands and lots of just sex meetings with prostitutes. I am a sex addict, saved by the blood of Jesus, but have been in sin bondage for over 30 yrs. I recently met someone that I have not seen in 12 yrs and she was so more beautiful since I last saw her and I had a crush on her then. Now she was attentive to me and her marrriage was in trouble. My marriage is ok but my wife put on massive amounts of weight and has refused to stick to her diet that was working. Her mother is sick and she always needs to talk about this.
I love her mother and her moher has done a lot for us as a family she has always been there. I am in my late 40s and have decided that I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t know what to do and don’t want to disobey God anymore and it is so hard to resist the temptation of holding this other woman. I need her in my life but also realize it may ruin my marriage and I don’t want to risk that. I must tell you that this other woman and I have not made love or had any sex but we do kiss passiontely like fire and it does feel good when she kisses me. She is confused as I am and neither of us are ready to leave our marriage.
Has anyone been in thi situation and should I walk away from our friendship, not answer her texts anymore I am tryng to be strong?
(SOUTH AFRICA) If you want to save your marriage and not act out on the temptation…. run as far away as possible. I have had an affair that my wife does not yet know about. I love her too much to cause her the pain of the revelation of my infidelity… to date this affair is still a thorn in my flesh. So if you say that you love your wife… speak to her before your affair goes any further. As the Bible states… how can a man keep HOT coals in his bosom and not be burnt. I am Reading The book of Proverbs nearly everyday now to get wisdom and understanding… maybe you should too. I have not touched another woman since… but still “struggling” with admiring others… (women…) You can see my testimony of someone that committed adultery…
(IRELAND) Hello. I’m a 48 year old man. I’ve had one sexual affair outside my marriage a few years ago which I have kept alive albeit without the sex due to my distance from this other person. I have lived with the guilt due to this affair- though it didn’t stop me ever. The flesh is surprisingly weak. I really love my wife. My wife has had her suspicions for a while and has raked it up rather emotionally a few times.
I never realized just how much pain and anguish I have caused my wife over the years. Recently however my wife has started getting closer to an old male friend of hers. They meet often though I’m sure they haven’t gone too far. Honestly, it could be nothing even. But it just burns my insides thinking about this new friendship of hers. I feel cheated and betrayed! I spend sleepless nights and troubled days thinking about all kinds of possibilities. I go through my wife’s mail and am always looking for signs of infidelity.
Most readers would scoff at me. Just desserts? I never realized just how betrayal can burn you up and am truly repentant for the anguish I have caused my wife. It won’t happen again.
In that is the lesson for those who contemplate adultery: The punishment you get for cheating is the burden of a suspicious nature.
It’s killing me.
Please Help.
(SA) My husband had a 1 time “fling” with an ex of his; I found out about it just before Christmas. I guess I’m sort of “lucky”, from all the stories I read so far – since he didn’t/isn’t having a full blown affair: but it hurts just the same!
The fact that he shared something so intimate with someone else makes me sick.
He keeps saying that he never intended for it to happen but at some point he made a choice to sleep with her.
Maybe you can help with this. Bill: how can you “forget” about your wife & the consequences in that moment? How can you jeopardize what you say now is most important to you??? He says he got so caught up in the past that it seemed like he was living in the past again.
I also believe that he has been telling me the absolute truth in what has happened (I even confirmed some things with the ex). He has a past which involves divorce, infidelity by his dad, physical abuse & all of that. So he has had a difficult life.
Now, I’ve decided to forgive him & move on in our marriage, but I still find it difficult to understand how this could have happened – this happened in the time close to our 1 year anniversary; he had to go out of town & I could not go with due to work; we decided that he would go on his own.
I believe that the devil was involved in setting up the whole thing, timing & circumstances & unfortunately, my husband was not strong enough to pass the test. I think the devil used the fact that my husband had a past with this woman; the fact that he was without his wife for a few days & the fact that he was alone with her for a couple of minutes to great advantage for his evil work.
I love my husband very much and have no idea what he is feeling since he doesn’t talk about his feelings much, he just wants to move on. I’m struggling to believe that it’s not possible for it to happen with just any woman – if he should find himself alone with 1 for a certain time.
This is such a devastating thing to live through, & I’m only still here because God is helping me! Is there someone out there also who has lived through the effects?
(CANADA) Hi, my name is Delaney and I want to shed some light on these situations. I dated a girl for three years and I loved her so much it hurt when I found out she only was with me because how I looked. Women aren’t the only ones broken and cold after an affair. I’ve had girls have affairs on me and it wasn’t that great. I didnt really lose trust in them but I could never look at them the same. Only if they could feel the pain I felt maybe things would have changed.
And Cat, if I were you I would get a mental check because if your husband hasn’t cheated in eleven years then he’s trying. I mean you have to pick how could you love two people at once. I think you’re selfish and wrong about your decision just to sit your husband down and tell him what is going on or you’re gonna cause a lot more pain than you ever thought. Most guys cheat because of lust or they’e jealous that the girl they are having an affair with is more than what their wives or girlfriends can bring. Trust me, I’ve been loved for the wrong reason but I stepped up to the plate and will never make that mistake again. Thanks for listening.