“It was devastating.” These were the first words she replied when I asked Julie sai about her divorce. “Of course the divorce was difficult to handle. But it was the deception of the affair that really tore me apart.”
After only three years of marriage, Julie learned that her husband John had begun having an affair. It had been going on “right under her nose” for at least 6 months.
“I was so angry,” she explained. “I felt violated, humiliated, and stupid for ignoring the signs. I experienced a full range of emotions when I learned about the affair. But the feeling that was foreign to me was the desire to hurt someone.”
“I’m not a violent or angry person by nature,” Julie assured me. “But I was so angry that I lashed out at anyone that came anywhere near me. Since John wasn’t around, I took my anger out on my friends, children and co-workers. Then, when the people wouldn’t tolerate my anger any longer, I began taking it out on myself.”
Damage of Affairs
Julie isn’t alone. In a country where almost half of all marriages end in divorce, and [a huge number of them] involve an extramarital affair, it wasn’t difficult to find people like Julie to talk with.
Cheryl, a manager of a local retail store stated, “Honestly, I just wanted to kill him.”
Gerard was someone everyone believed to have ‘the perfect marriage’ for 20 years. He adamantly stated, “The affair was the ultimate betrayal. I’ll never trust anyone again.”
Of the people interviewed for this article, the comments maintained a common thread of betrayal, loneliness and distrust. Julie admitted, “In a time when I needed people the most, I pushed them away. I started to realize that if I was wrong about trusting my spouse, then who else was I wrong about? I got to the point where every relationship I had was severely affected. This was because of my inability to put my trust in anybody else.”
Julie never dreamed that the people she could not trust would ultimately include herself. Julie stressed, “This world is impossible to operate in with a total inability to trust your own judgment. When you go through this type of betrayal, you lose your direction. And the results have some pretty severe consequences.”
The Children of Affairs
Unfortunately, another common thread within the people interviewed, was the ability to tell themselves, “Hey, kids are just kids — right? They’re young, and they bounce back. They don’t really understand everything that’s going on anyway.”
Amazingly, nearly every individual I spoke with admitted that while they were going through the ‘hell’ of the extramarital affair they found it easier to tell themselves the above statement about their children. This was despite the fact that they knew it to be completely untrue at the time.
“If I could go back,” Gerard explains, “I would have tried more to help my children cope with the pain that my wife’s affair had all of us. But I was so focused on my own pain during the divorce, that it was hard to focus on anyone else.”
Gerard’s son Jason, now a 21 year old victim of his own parents bitter divorce states, “Marriage is stupid. You just wind up choosing someone else down the road anyway.”
Not surprisingly, many children are affected just as dramatically as the parents when a divorce ends due to an extramarital affair. The lessons these children learn from their parents’ actions are scary. They learn how to lie, how to deny problems, how to be selfish, and ultimately, how to never trust.
The feeling of betrayal extends to all participants of a divorce due to a cheating spouse. Is there any wonder why children of affairs and divorce have a hard time with future relationships?
Why do Spouses Cheat?
According to family counselor Jeff Parziale, “Most people don’t want to have an affair. Spouses cheat for a variety of reasons, with a big reason being boredom in their marriage.”
What seems amazingly contradictory to Dr. Parziale’s statement is a series of well-known surveys conducted between 1990 and 2002 by the University of Chicago. They revealed:
• 30% of all adults who say that their marriage is not too happy report having an extramarital affair.
• 17% of all adults who say their marriage is pretty happy report an extramarital affair.
• And a surprising 10% of all adults who say their marriage is really happy , also admitted to having an affair.
With over 50% of the participants of this survey admitting to extramarital affairs, it’s hard to believe that having an affair isn’t a conscious decision making process. So, if people don’t actually want to have an affair, why do these affairs actually happen?
Many Factors
“Today’s marriage take work”, Dr. Parziale explains. “There are many factors in today’s society that influence the success of a marital relationship. Many people cheat because they did not ‘intend’ not to. To avoid affairs, we must have strong boundaries in place to avoid sharing too many intimate details with friends or coworkers. In other words, cheating for many is more about ‘not’ having a plan on how ‘not to’ cheat.”
Shirley Glass, a well-known psychologist who strove to redefine the nature of infidelity prior to her death in October 2003, wrote articles, books and appeared on television programs. She did this to examine how the emotional intimacy of the workplace and the Internet had led even people in successful marriages to slip into emotionally intense relationships. They are ones that could easily lead to affairs.
Dr Glass said that even if these intense relationships did not lead to sex they were a threat to marriages. They are a part of what she termed “The new crisis of infidelity.” The reason is that the emotional intimacy with the friend gradually supplants that with the spouse.
Avoiding the Betrayal
As many of us already know life is not a fairy tale. For Cinderella, the first kiss was all it took. And the relationship then lasted for hundreds of decades. But, for those of us in today’s world we’re still looking for the magic answer to keeping our marriages alive.
Upon researching this article, the answer to a successful marriage doesn’t appear to be as complicated as one might expect. And the answers may just be in looking at what made your marriage happen in the first place. It was the dating period!
Can you honestly say to yourself, “My priorities while the dating my spouse is exactly the same today, as it was then?”
Once deemed courting, today’s dating has become similar to a “cat and mouse” chase. Once caught, it is soon determined by many that the chase is over.
To maintain a successful, happy marriage, it’s important to realize that “dating etiquette” isn’t just for dating anymore. It’s also for keeping marriages in bloom. Keeping a marriage positive, making your spouse your best friend, and having fun together are important. Also, keeping an even balance between “talking vs. listening” with your spouse, is an important deterrent to extramarital affairs.
In today’s hectic world it is more important than ever to keep your marriage fresh and alive. Your spouse should be your best friend. He or she should be your confidant and the one person you know you can trust.
When Suspect An Affair
While you have your own responsibilities in keeping your marriage alive, you cannot control the actions of your spouse. It’s important to realize that if your spouse is cheating, it is not your fault.
A popular, but inaccurate notion is that the non-involved spouse should have to change to recapture the involved partner. A common belief is, “if only the wife paid more attention to the husband, or looked more sexy, or had sex more often, then the affair would have happened.”
If you suspect an affair, but do not have confirmation the affair is taking place, there are several things that must occur. Most importantly, avoid accusations. Inaccurate accusations can destroy a marriage just as quickly as an affair can. Instead, talk to your spouse. Try to determine why you suspect him/her of having an affair. Without throwing out accusations, seek to solve some of the “symptoms’ that there might be something more going on.
If your concerns are with working late—address the issue, not your assumptions. If your concerns are with a change in your sex life—talk about it. And if you and your spouse are unable to solve the issues together, then seek help from a qualified professional.
Trying to Manage Alone
“Too many people try to manage this situation by themselves,” explains Sharon. She is a survivor of a marriage on the rocks. “The only place you’ll see a list of ‘The top ten signs that your spouse is cheating’, is in Cosmo [Magazine]. And the list isn’t meant to help you. It’s meant to appeal to our emotions and sell more magazines.”
Sharon suspected her husband of 18 years of infidelity. “All the Cosmo signs were there,” she confides. “He was distant, and was always working late. Our friendship seemed non-existent. And our sex life was completely dead.”
Sharon and her husband Jim struggled through accusations and arguments. They distanced their relationship even further. Finally, they both sought professional help. “Short of a lie detector test, there was no way I could prove my loyalty to Sharon,” Jim explains. “But that didn’t mean I hadn’t thought about it.”
“It was so tempting to find another friend,” Jim states. “While Sharon was constantly nagging at me, I started justifying that if I was going to be accused of doing it, then maybe I should.”
“It wasn’t until I started thinking about why I was considering an affair, that I realized how bad it would be for all of us if I actually had one,” Jim commented. “If you seek out someone else because things are going bad at home, then it’s only going to make matters worse.”
Professional Help
Jim and Sharon were one of the fortunate couples that sought professional help before things got out of control.
Obviously, the best way to rebuild your marriage is to talk to your spouse. Talk to him or her about your needs, wants, and thoughts. Notably, the best way to prevent affairs in the first place is precisely the same. The best thing to do is to add more positive emotional contributions to your marriage. When efforts toward communication and positive contributions fail, seek professional advice.
After an affair
An extramarital affair is the most difficult situation that can affect a marital relationship. It eliminates the emotional bond between spouses. It also violates the basic trust of each partner. And it jeopardizes the health and well being of both parties.
Dr Glass made an impact among marriage therapists. She stated that “betrayed partners often suffered from post-traumatic stress. This is similar to that experienced by combat veterans.”
According to Dr Parziale, an affair is not only a sexual event. It is an emotional event. It is usually a consequence of the emotional distance between the married couple. In a paradoxical manner, the extramarital affair may temporarily create more closeness between the couple. But it will ultimately sends the relationship into a terrifying tailspin.
Poor Relationships
Usually, poor relationships result in people seeking extramarital affairs. If the relationship has drifted into stagnation, lack of emotional contact, constant conflict, or emotional distance, then the affair will eventually put the final nail into the coffin.
Probably the most important factor in aiding a marriage to recover from the affair is to rebuild trust. In most cases, it’s a rare event. And statistics are less than 2% for marriages to survive the affair. Rebuilding trust usually takes a long time and a lot of patience. It helps to know that the non-involved spouse will have “relapses” into distrust. There are many exercises for trust rebuilding. Letting down defensive behavior, despite the fear, is only one.
Affairs Lead to Divorce
“Most people don’t realize that infidelity is biblical grounds for divorce,” stated one infidelity victim. “Many people at my church just didn’t understand. They hadn’t been through it.”
It doesn’t matter what walk of life you’re from. Extramarital affairs are an equal-opportunity disaster. “Finding support, and understanding the grieving process can be challenging”, Dr Parziale explains. “For both parties, it is like grieving the death of a loved one.”
“For the initiator of the divorce, there are distinct stages. They include alienation, breakup, looking back, mourning, and disentanglement. The letting go process starts early in the disappointments and disillusion of the working marriage. It still requires attention long after parting of the ways has been accomplished.”
For the non-initiator the stages are: shock, grief/rage, distancing, and indifference. The crucial phase is distancing. This is where the non-initiator begins to restructure his or new life without the partner.”
Both parties involved in a divorce go through a grieving process, although it feels and looks much different. Understanding the process for you and your ex partner is important in the healing process.
A Note From the Author:
When I began this article on infidelity I wanted to portray the anger that both spouses felt. It was in talking with the victims of infidelity, that the true nature of this indiscretion came into light. The wounds inflicted ten or twenty years ago are spoken with vehemence. It appears to the non-informed as if the pain occurred just yesterday. Clearly infidelity and divorce shatters lives. Some of the wounds and losses take years to heal. Some never do.
The scope of this topic exceeds the boundaries of the word count that my publisher allows. This is understandably so. Children, parents, families, siblings, friends, co-workers, and neighbors are all affected by an affair. Bonds of trust are broken, in many directions. In many cases they are never re-built.
If you’re considering a “fling” consider the consequences it will bring. Ask yourself, “is this sexual encounter really worth all the complications it will bring?”
This article was featured in the February 2005 issue of the “Good News Tucson” newspaper. The title of the original article is: “Affair Proofing” Your Marriage. It is written by Jennifer Boughton. (All the names in this article have been changed to protect their identities.)
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair
(SOUTH AFRICA) I struggle to keep my eyes off other women. I am a happily married Christian man but Oh Lord the devil is toying around with my head. My wife is beautiful, our sex life is great, my problem is I have a roving eye. I cheated on her twice (sexually), I need help, seriously seeking help. It seems like the devil is enjoying what he is doing to me, I still go to church but feel guilty. I am a two faced person, commiting adultery while on Sunday I praise the Lord. Please help, right now I do not feel like I am strong, I just need help… Thanks
(USA) Geoff, You can look and notice other attractive ladies. However, your wife is your better half and she fulfills all your needs; she is giving of herself to you. Spend more time with your wife, and also comment to her if you notice an attractive lady; don’t keep the secret because it will grow in time and you will be doing things you never thought possible.
(UK) I take my hat off to you. You must be a strong and lovely person. I know the pain you feel, which just aches and aches. I feel it for someone else, but as I love my wife so much I will try and protect her whatever. Perhaps it is lust rather than love, or just the release of addictive chemicals by the brain? Who knows. But well done for being able to control those feelings.
(USA) My wife is in the midst of her 2nd Romantic Affair in our 26 year marriage. The first time was many years ago early in our marriage, and was nearly identical to what is going on right now. I never thought you could share everything good that life has to offer as a married couple and end up suffering a betrayal that is beyond words.
She was incredibly selfish and shallow to never communicate what she perceived as concerns in our marriage… not a word. Her response? She was looking for “true love”, which she obvioulsy felt was missing in our relationship. This is an individual that is so careless and disrespectful, I have to believe there is a character or personality flaw at the root of her infidelity. She blew-up 26 years without giving a second thought to me or her daughter.
I don’t believe the stories that women (or men) having these crazy romantic affairs will not leave a marriage. Not once has she shown true remorse, or even suggested ending the affair. I will be happy to leave her in the dust and see her miserable life crumble when her married man doesn’t leave his family.
(USA) I am a 31 year old mother of 4 who has been married for over 7 yrs… who also has been confused for over 6 months but actually more like 1.5 yrs. The problem is that my marriage is fine. My husband is a great guy, we are best friends, we communicate well, we have a great sex life, and we spend a lot of time together. Not much has changed since we have been together.
What the article states to keep a marriage going… we do have, we do it. We work to keep our marriage going. So I don’t know why I am having an affair with a man I met out of the blue over a year ago. Our affair didn’t start from the moment we first met, it actually started a year later and has been going on since then.
Although deep down I know what I am doing is wrong and I want it to end… it hasn’t. If I had to choose, in the end, I would never pick him over my husband. However, I am still continuing a relationship with a man who too has a family. Our affair is not just physical, there actually is more of a friendship.
The only reason I can think to why I am doing what I’m doing is Pure Attraction as well as having something different once in a while. For example I always have McDonald’s fries, but sometimes I go for Wendy’s. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep on living like this, but I don’t stop. I know if I really wanted it to stop I would do it. I almost feel like, “I like having my cake and eating it too.”
(USA) OK here is the deal. Sure sometimes you like McD’s fries and sometimes you like Wendy’s fries. You wouldn’t be ashamed to share that information with your husband now would you?
The problem is, now you have to share with your husband that not only do you like his “fries” but you occasionally have “fries” from another man.
I’m thinking the temptation to have the other fries will diminish once you share the truth with your husband. The OM knows you are married. Why not give your husband the same level of information with respect to the OM? Also, it would be a good idea to let his wife know that he too likes “fries” from another place.
He has a family; you have a family. It’s time to let your respective spouses know what’s going on so it can be resolved.
(USA) I’m sorry, but how is being honest going to fix the situation…Telling the truth would definitely end my marriage..no doubt about it. My husband would never forgive me for such betrayal…As for the other man, well I don’t know what he wants out of this relationship…I just know that we both enjoy each others company..Telling the truth to our significant others, almost sounds like asking permission to be “swingers!” We both know its wrong, but we still continue our affair.
And honestly, I really don’t know what I’m doing…what I’ve gotten myself into!!! We are both very selfish!!! I’ve tried to stop, by stopping communication…however he comes back and I end up letting him in again. He’s told me its up to me to end it, and he’d be OK…but he would prefer that I didn’t…He’s willing to take whatever I can give/offer him.
The other major problem is that he knows my husband because he’s my husband’s martial arts teacher, and our children are friends from the same school…I keep thinking that the only way for it to really end is to completely cut ties in every way, but I think that would implicate something..I love my husband to death, but I like someone else as well…I do know what needs to be done and its to END IT..its just finding the strength to do it!!!
(UNITED STATES) WOW… I actually thought I wrote this!! I am going through the exact same thing!
(USA) It’s not the telling may or may not end the marriage, it was the affair. So please, don’t hide behind these suddenly found fears.
It’s the affair that may or may not end the marriage. On the other hand, it’s the 100% openness and honesty that may or may not repair your marriage.
As a man who was betrayed by his now ex-wife, I would have rather her come to me being 100% honest, than falling deeper into her affair and ultimately choosing the divorce herself.
My children take karate and I’m sure character is part of any martial arts program. Your husband and the other man’s wife both deserve to know the truth about what is going on in their marriages. They deserve to know that their teacher (sensei) or spouse is not what they claim to be.
Telling will be difficult. But don’t blame the possible end of your marriage on telling. It won’t be the truth that destroys the marriage. It is deceit that destroys marriages. If you don’t tell, you are still sowing that deceit into your marriage, preventing it from ever healing.
You’ve already performed the destructive act. Telling is the surgery that could potentially heal your marriage.
(US) I have read much about why women have affairs and the reasons tend toward loneliness, emotional starvation, rejection, husband’s lack of family involvement, and on and on. I am my wife’s third husband. Divorce from her first and a passing of her second. She told me she had 3 affairs during her first marriage when she was in her 30’s beginning in about 1971 and ending about 1982. Each affair was with men quite a lot older, all were married with families and were safe. She gave in to the first affair because “he was helping me emotionally”. The second was even more helpful as he would talk to her. The affairs took place in back seats of cars, night or day, or in her own bed and they could not call except on certain days. There were no restaurant times, no Christmas cards and no gifts she demanded.
If they met in church there could be only a slight hello. She went to a doctor, not her own, for a diaphragm. She was always careful to protect her children. She would change the bed sheets and make sure nothing telling was in the house. She said she was always excited to expect a phone call. She stopped the second affair when the third, a long time friend from church, started “helping” her.
After several years, she divorced and he divorced and they married in a church ceremony. She said she and her first husband had a good sexual relationship. She said she did not divorce him to marry the third, but she did marry him.
She never got caught, never got a disease and never had to pay anything for those affairs. God has forgiven her, she says.
I asked her if she had an affair after she remarried. She said no after a very long pause.Tell me, when do “needs” stop and “wants” start? I am now in this somewhere. Is she likely to do the same to me?
(USA) Do not be deceived, God is not mocked and all we sow, we also reap. Saved or Lost, she will have to answer and there will be consequences.
We all have boundaries and I have seen more “unchurched” honoring them than the “churched” So sad. I have had countless offers over the years many of my husband’s friends but I will not defile God, myself, my word, kids or husband.
In early Rome or Sodom and Gomorrah, I feel certain I would flee or lock myself away. Not my husband. Out on the street and it wouldn’t matter with who. He has shown that over the years and admits it. It’s always so dirty though and he regrets it but the devil is good at the Pulpit Theology that tells us we are all sinners. There there. They’re just self-righteous!
He simply refused to turn down a piece, no matter how disgusting, and it’s always been for money. In this small town he works at the same place. 23 years and well known. Of course they all think he makes much more than he does but that’s because we are faithful in tithes and God says he will meet our every need.
God says there is no tempation we all haven’t been faced with and he that endureth to the end, they same shall be saved. There are going to be some very suprised folks on that day.
Reading and posting here has been my only way of functioning many times. Please let it out, if you need too. Prayers for you friend. I wish I had magic words but I do not. My guess is that she will, again. Past behavior is a good indication of future without some huge change. Hanging by a thread here myself.
(USA) This is for all the Christian marriages. Christians have affairs for various reasons to list, but the truth is this, we didn’t relay on God when we felt the temptation growing. We didn’t put on our full coat of armor to fight the desire of another person, we didn’t remove ourselves from the temptation even though the word teaches us to turn away from temptation (not talk to it every day.) The desire to fill that longing became stronger then the desire to obey God. We shut down all (if any) communications of hearing God saying no.
It happens to the best of Christians, for we are not perfect and are in consist need of God’s guidance especially when we are at our most weakness point. This is where Grace and Mercy steps in. We can blame the situation of our marriages (loneliness, abuse, neglect, etc.) but we have to ask ourselves this.
What does the Bible teaches us to do when we are going through horrendous times in our lives? What did Job do? We have to cry out to God for help, surround yourself with Christians who will give Godly advice and not worldly advice. If the advice don’t line up with the scriptures then it’s worldly advice. Stop watching the TV shows that encourage affairs by showing the glamor in it, don’t be ashame to fall to your knees and ask God to help you with the thoughts of an affair. He will hear your cry.
(USA) Hi everyone, I have a sad story but a true one; i’ve been dealing with my husbands infidelity and he outright denies it; it’s been a devastating 3 years of my life! I put so much time and effort into this marriage over two decades. We have a grown daughter who got pregnant while I was trying to defend myself in court that the mistress had filed an Order against me for calling her one time at work and told her ‘do you know he’s married’? i have evidences of him talking to her they both work together. I groomed him from a blue colar worker to an office worker. I am peeved at this betrayal.
It’s been so sickening and i take medz so i can sleep, and try to function. I have been suffering depression as well. I go to professional counseling.
I don’t trust him anymore and recently he started looking at porn and killed the computer with a virus and blamed me for looking at penises. He was so pissed that he actually took the computer and I had no computer.
I can’t seem to heal if he doesn’t admit it. He said ‘go heal yourself’–he had been abusing me emotionally and just realized it after therapy. He’s very mean now to me and keeps finances paperless and when I asked to see them he says no. He withholds intimacy and money from me. I feel so helpless at times.
I pray to God everyday to give me strength to make it to the next day. I don’t even recognize this man he can’t even look me in the eye alot of the times.
Any information would be a beneift to me. Thank you and God bless!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I found out that my husband has been “chatting” with another women for the past 8 months… and according to both of them, they have only been chatting and nothing has ever happened beyond that…they have also never met in person. The women says she has feelings for my husband…my husband is undecided because he is unsure of what he wants. Should I be worried??? What am I to do now???
We have been having some problems in our marriage for a while… but he has now said that he just wants to be friends with this woman… and he wants me to meet her with the hope that the 3 of us can be friends… and that him and I will do the necessary to salvage our marriage. Where do I go from here?
(USA) Sorry to say this but BE VERY WORRIED! It starts as friends, then confiding very personal information, all then the slander of each other’s spouses and making up stuff you would never imagine all trying to justfiy what they are doing.
The devil makes sure that it “goes there” because he is out to destroy marriages and kids. All that God adores and that is all Satan can do. A man is to love his wife has Christ loved the church. If he does that right, there is no need or desire for a female friend. You are all each other needs!
(USA) I have been married for 35 years and have been having an affair of the heart with my ex-husband for the past 10 months. We have seen each other one day during that time and embraced and kissed but did not have sex. We chat, email and talk on the phone about every other day and I am in love with him.
It’s confusing because I still care for my husband, the father of our 3 grown children but he had moved out of the bedroom and we lost all intimacy and caring for about 18 years before I reconnected with my ex. I lost over 100 pounds almost 2 years ago and have felt young again and desirable but got nothing from my husband. I have told him how I feel and have tried to reignite our passions to mostly no avail. I continually try to work on our relationship but it is all coming from one side. I distance myself from him purposely much of the time now and tell myself that I really don’t care anymore, but I do because I’m angry about it.
My communications with my ex is the only thing that keeps me sane and makes me feel good about myself it seems anymore. He is also married for about the same number of years and we are both deceiving our spouses. He is not going to leave his wife and I know this, but cannot stop! I’ve been dying to meet again, but the miles between us have stopped that. He is my closest friend so I don’t want to lose him. Can I have some feedback here please?
(USA) We’ve all been there even abused and ashamed out of town over out spouses’s cheating but there are boundaries to honor. Especially for those that are truly “saved.” “There is no temptation taken you that is common to man but God is faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above that which you are able but will with the temptation also make a way to escape so that you may be able to bear it.” 1 Corinthians 10-13
Some choose to do right and other choose to feed their flesh. We all have a choice. Two powers at work in this world= The Holy Spirit and the spirit of anti Christ. You have free will as we all do. When “self” rules, Satan is on control. Prayers for you.
(IL) My husband was hiding his phone. I found erotic sex messages on it. I woke up in the middle of the night and called back the number. She answered, oh, are you up late? I said, who are you?
My husband told me he had feelings for her and continues to call her and text her. I check his cell phone records and now he is using our home phone. I received records of the outbound calls and he is still talking to her. He states nothing is going on anymore. We have been through marriage counseling and personal counselors for well over a year. He has ruined every holiday for the past 2 years.
He said it is over but how can that be if he is still calling her? He said he calls her because he is depressed and needs someone to talk to. He talks to her about our marriage. He has never given me a chance to heal. Every time I leave the house it is proven that he calls her but said he wants our marriage and loves me. He said he thought way back that he loved her, but does not.
I am so sad. He is ruining my health. I started smoking after quitting for 11 years. I cannot go anywhere without crying. My friends disrespect me for putting up with this abuse. My elderly parents are upset, my co-workers are disappointed in me.
This woman is a 5-time DUI offender and was in prison for 2 years. She is also very unattractive and sexually promiscuous. I am scared to death that if I have relations with my husband I am doomed. I am ver attractive and eat and take very good care of myself, except now, I am smoking. It is hard to do my workouts. I am so stressed it’s starting to show. When I try to end my marriage he fights me tooth and nail. He says, I love you. But it seems he waits a while and he is back to speaking or whatever with her.
I am asking him to do a lie detector test to prove to me he has not been unfaithful since I asked him to do a complete STD workup. He passed; thank God.
Today I tried to sell my wedding rings and he said if I do not calm down he is calling an ambulance. Because of my rage he refuses to give me a divorce. The problem is that I love him. Why is he calling? Doesn’t that mean his affair with this woman is still going on? She sleeps around and because I told her how ugly she is I believe she continues after him, just to hurt me. I cannot heal. I do not feel safe or loved, only betrayed. Please pray for me, please, please.
(USA) My husband had an affair 4 years ago. I was devastated, depressed and withdrew myself from everything and everyone due to his betrayal. This man was my best friend! I cried everyday for nearly two months, then I decided I wanted a divorce. He was in disbelief that I would not give him a chance.
He gave the typical excuse of not knowing why he did it because he adores and loves me but he felt alone at times. Mind you, I was working a full time job and attending college, but I always made time to prepare his meals and put his wants first and I felt we had a good sex life.
I found out about the affair through a social website I was a member of. This loser he had an affair with emailed me all the details of their sexual encounters. Can you believe it!?!
When I confronted him he denied it but I knew he was lying and to prove it I threw a printed copy of the emails to his face. He started crying and confessed while on his knees. I never hated someone so much at that moment. He could not believe this loser wrote all the things she did to me and was visibly angry. So angry that he called her in front of me and spoke to her like the garbage she was. Mind you I took the phone and lashed out as well after all she provoked me. I have to admit it felt good for a minute.
After that encounter, we finally came to an agreement that he would move out in two months as I could not forgive him. Unfortunately our plans diminished as the following month I was diagnosed with cancer. Go figure, like I needed more stress. He then refused to leave and begged me again to let him help me through this. I finally gave in since I was emotionally drained. His affair left me feeling ugly and undesirable. I kept thinking this is why he did this to me. I put myself down all the time.
Two years after this ordeal we were still living together and I was fully recovered, however, our marriage was still damaged and not looking any better.
I then started working for an international company and met someone who had just moved to America from Paris two years earlier. He was also married and just as unhappy as I was. The more time we spend together the more I wanted to be around him. I started to feel wanted and desirable again. We started confiding in each other of the betrayals of our respective others and found we had a lot in common.
My husband noticed that I was not so angry any longer and looked peaceful. He knew now that there was no chance of us getting back to what it use to be before the affair.
It has now been 4 years since the affair and 2 years since I have been in an emotional affair with my co-worker. Although my co-worker and I have kissed and act as a couple at work we have never slept together and refuse to do so until we are completely single. My co-worker has now moved out and my husband is moving out in a couple of months and I could not be happier.
My point is that some couples can survive infidelity and some can’t. Personally I could not do it and to be honest I did not want to. I deserve better and I deserve a man that is committed and takes vowels as serious as I had. Even though I am moving on I feel sad that our marriage ended because he is truly a good person, but I can’t forget the pain he put me through.
Just yesterday my husband told me the affair is his biggest regret because he took for granted that I would always be there. I see him crying all the time now but that is not enough to heal the wounds. Good luck to all of you that have experienced this.
(USA) Our situation is kind of similar and I need to talk to someone who has been through it. I have been married for almost 3 years and with him for almost six. I have been communicated what I did from him for 6 years and he just didn’t seem to get it! I started talking to another man as friends and didn’t know I would develop feelings for him. I believe I did now because I was so vulnerable. I talked to this man for two years off and on but never saw him in person but I felt an emotional connection because he paid me attention and told me how pretty I am and took the time to see how I was doing and feeling something my husband never did.
I began to not want to be involved with my husband sexually because I felt that’s all I was good for and we both became more and more frustrated with one another. I finally told my husband it was over and I wanted a divorce (not because of the other guy because I did not want to be with this guy but because I was tired of being ignored as a human being and just used for sex). My husband then tried to be there for me a little more but I felt it was too late so I started to ignore him. I would not have sex with him at all because in my heart at that time I felt it was over.
Well, about a month and a half after no sex hardly any communication… I decided I wanted to make it work and try hard and my husband agreed. To my disbelief I found out that during this time I said it was over he had slept with another woman twice. I was so devastated. My needs hadn’t been met for years but as soon as yours are not met you sleep with another woman. He had ended it with the woman when I said I wanted to be back with him and she was so bitter she decided to Facebook me and tell me about the affair. He admitted to it and said he was going to tell me. I cried and he cried. He was very remorseful and begged for forgiveness and asked me not to leave. I went into a deep depression. We lost our business and I’m just a mess.
I, at first, agreed to work it out but I couldn’t get over the fact that he had slept with someone else so we separated. Its been about 5 months since all the drama and I’m still hurt. I emotionally cheated and he physically cheated but it’s hard for me to forgive him. I told him I wanted a divorce but I’m still not sure what I want. We have lost everything. He lost his job and I just don’t know what to do! Any suggestions?! We have a 4 year old son and he misses his dad a lot!
(USA) Cheating, whether it is physical or emotional, is still cheating. You both made a mistake and we are human, we make mistakes. The better person learns from their mistakes and becomes stronger from them. It sounds to me that you both want to work out it so I say go for it. Get to a marriage counselor and learn to communicate again, love again and be married again. Would you tell your son to give up on something if it was hard to do?
The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that that situation is over, you cannot move forward.
(US) My husband has been having serial physical and emotional affairs for 20 years. He would always lie and I couldn’t get him to honestly discuss what was going on. Women who emailed “had the wrong Dave.” Women he chatted with were “just friends and he knew I would like them, too.” The angry husband who called “had the wrong Dave.” On and on.
Every time he was infatuated with someone else, he would treat me like dirt. He struck me full in the face for not hiding my unhappiness when a pair of my jeans was ruined in the laundry. Two years after he struck me, I had an affair. He hacked my email and really became upset. He didn’t want to let me go, so we reconciled and I ended it.
His affairs go on endlessly and he constantly checks my doings and whereabouts. He even has several women simultaneously on a string. The one he’s most serious about just now–for two years and ongoing–I could tell about the other women.
My children will be out of school in another two years. I don’t think I need tell him that’s his time frame. And yet –in spite of it all –I love him. I can’t change him. Just make a deal based on mutually assured destruction, evidence and contacts in a safe deposit box. We are at defcon2 and holding for two years, or thereabouts.
How sad. I could have been someone. He could have let me go by. He need never have married.
(US) My wife had an affair 25 years ago with a black man she worked with. She told me of the affair one and a half months into her pregnancy. This was to be my second child. I was needless to say, devastated. I stayed in the marriage to see if the child might be mine, which would be obvious because I am white. The decision to stay and work on the marriage was terribly hard but the pain of having to visit my children I felt would have been more devastating on me than trying to work through this crisis. So for 7 months I had to wonder whether the child was mine or not. If not mine, the relationship would end.
Till this day I cannot put into words the emotions I went through and still go through at times this very day, 25 years later. Now what you all are wondering… Yes, the newborn was mine. I was not there for the delivery. An aunt attended. I am still married to the same lady and have 3 boys. To this day I feel the pain and suffering I went through is nothing compared to the pain of having to visit my children and not be in their lives daily.
One word of advice. If an affair happens in your life, limit who you tell. Either tell no one or very very few because it’s your decision not theirs and you may make your decisions on not what is best for you. I only told 2 individuals.
(UNITED STATES) Can someone help me and help me understand this please? I just found out that my husband has been calling and texting his ex girlfriend for the past 3 weeks behind my back. When I confront him, he says they are just friends and says he didn’t do anything wrong.
About a month later I read all the text he sent. She lives in another state so they didn’t see each other. But he was having sex through texts and sending naked pictures. Also he told her he doesn’t live his wife (me) and should have never married me. Also says he will leave me in a heart beat for her. He told her all of this in texts. He also told her he always loved her and still does. He planned on going to see her in a few months and to propose to her and have sex.
Now that I know about all this he came clean with me and is telling me he has no feelings for this girl and everything was a lie. He tells me he does love me and only me and it’s always been like that. What should I believe? He told this girl all our martial problems and everything. How could he tell me he doesn’t have feelings for her and everything was a lie? What do you think is the truth?