The Internet can pose a significant threat to relationships, if misused. It has led to a dramatic increase in use of pornography, which can become habitual.
In addition, the Internet allows individuals to make contact with strangers and encourages inappropriate intimacy. It can lead to both emotional and physical infidelity.
Because some people view online relationships as harmless, they engage in behavior they would never consider in a face-to-face relationship. Many marriages have broken up when one member of a couple discovers that his/her partner has been involved in a relationship online or regularly visits inappropriate websites.
The following are a set of Internet rules that can help couples avoid the trauma that comes from discovering hidden relationships and porn use.
Internet and Texting Rules for Couples:
• Share your password with your spouse
• For couples that own computers that require usernames/passwords, it may be best to have a single account/username for the couple.
• Offer to install web-tracking software to build trust. This device allows your partner to see every place you have visited on the net. This is particularly important if trust is an issue in a relationship. If trust has been violated, or one partner is prone to jealousy, then installing web-tracking software can help restore trust and reduce jealousy.
• Do not create additional email accounts to hide communications from your spouse.
• Make it clear to your spouse that he/she is welcome to look through your computer emails.
• Never visit pornography sites.
• Never visit personal sites. This includes sites like Craigslist Adult Services and other sites that are a cover for prostitution services.
• Do not visit open-ended chat-rooms. Only visit chat-rooms that are issue-specific on issues that you need help with, such as software problems.
Instant Messaging
• Make sure your spouse knows or is aware of everyone in your “buddy/friend” list or knows that she has access to the list at any time.
• Do not engage in IM conversations of a private or provocative nature.
• Do not search for prior boyfriends/girlfriends online.
Social Networking sites like Facebook, and MySpace are the exceptions. Former partners may contact you regardless of whether you initiate contact. In these situations it is best to inform your partner and ask for their input/recommendation. This two-way communication and decision making process can build trust.
Social Networking on the Internet
Facebook/MySpace/LinkedIn/ are all very popular. It is likely that at least one person in a relationship will have an account. Here are some rules to follow:
1. On Facebook make sure to set your relationship status to “Married.” This alerts others that you are taken. It’s also good to post a picture of yourself and your spouse.
2. Have a single account for a couple, e.g. JohnAndJane Doe@facebook/myspace.
3. If each person wants their own account, make sure to share passwords.
4. Tell your partner when you’ve added a friend of the opposite gender.
5. Do not carry on private conversations with friends of the opposite gender via social networking sites.
6. Place the family computer in an open place in your home. This reduces the temptation to browse adult-themed sites and engage in inappropriate conversations on the computer. This is especially important when there are children in the home. Children should not be allowed access to the Internet unless they are in a place where their parents can freely observe their activity.
7. Designate specific times during the day when you should and should not use the computer for personal use.
Chris Gersten wrote this article. It was formerly posted on the web site, famlibeta.com.
— ALSO —
For a list of Do’s and Don’ts, which can help you in your marital relationship to text each other, please click onto the Marriagetrac.com web site link to read:
On a Positive Note:
You can text your spouse so you can better connect with each other on different levels. After we marry we need to work a little harder to build our relationship in a positive direction. Here’s what Pastor/speaker/author Mark Gungor says about texting your spouse:
“Staying connected is what it’s all about in marriage. One simple way to do that is by sending a fun, sassy or romantic text message! It can go a long way to get your husband’s day off to a great start or give your wife a boost to face the tasks of her morning. It always makes us feel all warm and fuzzy when we know the one you love is thinking of you, and a good morning text is sure to put a smile on your spouse’s face. Start today and do it any day or every day!”
With that said, below is a link that has some text suggestions you can use (or adapt and use):
And then Maggie Reyes gives additional tips in this article that you might find insightful:
• SOCIAL MEDIA AND YOUR MARRIAGE —How to Do it Right!
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict Social Media
Do you have advice of what to do if your pastor is a single woman and my husband is Corp sergeant (Salvation Army)? She is always calling or texting him about church. They also have band practice together every Friday. They’re together every Wednesday. I feel they’re together many days to discuss what they need to. I feel they don’t need to talk everyday but they say it’s all about church.
Hi Marsha, I’m very familiar with the Salvation Army Church. I/we have a great love for it –they do a LOT of good. We have family ties and personal ties with this denomination and I can’t say enough good about it. Marsha, I have no doubt that your husband is a good man and so is this female pastor. I have no doubt that they are well-meaning and that they love the Lord and want to serve Him fully. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t vulnerable to temptation. They might think that it could “never happen” to them, but I can tell you story after story after story of other ministry spouses and singles who once said the same thing, and yet it did. What started out as innocent with no attraction, sparked off in a totally different direction, much to their “surprise.”
When I read what you wrote I was reminded of Judy Starr, and her husband Stottler, who had been on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ for a number of years and worked in The Jesus Film Project. They had a GREAT ministry going, traveling to various locations around the world —more than 40 countries —showing the Jesus film. In a Family Life Today (2-day) interview that I heard (based on her book, “The Enticement of the Forbidden” –no longer being published) Judy shares the story of how —in the midst of the ministry project of showing the Jesus film, throughout the Caribbean —she developed an emotional attraction for a sea captain. This was COMPLETELY out of character for her –especially since she loved the Lord, and her husband, who she described as a “good, godly man” and loved being involved in ministry. That’s what really struck me. Why Judy? Of all people… it should “never have happened” that she would fall like this. But she confesses that she got so drawn into this affair of the heart (which started out as innocent as can be) that she had come to the point where she “was considering giving up everything and staying in the Caribbean.” Here’s a link to the 2 part series, if you want to listen to it and/or read the transcripts: http://www.familylife.com/audio/series/series-featured-in-2012/the-enticement-of-the-forbidden.
I’ll tell you the ending though… fortunately, a friend intervened, and it never happened that she abandoned her marriage and ministry. But she came close. MANY in ministry –pastors, missionaries, and such, as well as others, who love the Lord passionately, end up totally falling away. I can testify to this because we have received hundreds of emails, comments on the web site, and have heard many, many personal testimonies of those who have chucked it all away to go off with the “one they love” –someone who was not their spouse.
The lesson for all of us here is to realize how even “innocent” ministry times of getting together (even through texting) can lead spouses to go places emotionally and many times physically, where they would NEVER have thought it was possible. If King David –a “man after God’s own heart” could fall, who can’t? It’s when we pridefully let our guard down, dismissing it as “not possible” that we’re most vulnerable. It’s amazing how crafty the enemy of our faith can be and how unpredictably our emotions can be enticed –to do things that “we never meant to happen.”
Marsha, I don’t know if your husband will listen to what I’m writing here. Some won’t. And some will. I hope he will. But I can tell you that because of what we’ve seen, my husband Steve and I put up many “hedges” to guard our marriage. We have several articles posted on this web site that people can read, and we recommend additional resources to help others do so, as well. It’s just a matter of being wise –looking around, seeing what’s happening to others, and saying, “what makes me think that I’m so special that I can’t fall like they can?” It’s that stupid false sense of security that says, “it won’t happen to me.” But it does… WAY, WAY, WAY too often.
I hope you can get through to your husband and help this pastor to realize that they have a bulls-eye on their personal lives and ministries, put there by the enemy of our faith. The enemy wants to take them down (along with others). It’s just plain wise to guard their hearts, their ministries, and marriage(s) by putting up a few boundaries, with each other, and with others who come along in the future. It’s good for them and good for others to see and implement themselves. I hope this can help in some way. I pray for you and for your husband, and for this single woman –that God helps you to proceed wisely, when it comes to matters like these –guard your marriage. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
This is such an awesome word. I agree with you 💯
Thank You Nilka; I hope it helped. Most affairs start out innocently, but obviously, a line is eventually crossed that leads to disastrous results. We need to be on the alert and stay on one.
Go with him you and the band, whatever. A desperate woman is a desperate woman.
My husband met a girl on a trip. They stayed in touch, at first briefly, then ever increasingly so. He kept me informed at first but as it progressed, he wouldn’t put his phone down anywhere and was on it constantly. I walked in on him one day and found part of a text where he was relating their chats to a song on the radio that keeps coming on when they are talking. The song is about taking a chance and falling in love. I felt it was inappropriate and called him on it. He said he was sorry and that there was nothing to worry about, that he didn’t even know the words to the song.
I wanted to believe him but he continued to text her regularly even to the point that he would pick up his phone after we had been intimate and tell her he missed her. I confronted him again, even asking them to cut off communication. He keeps saying that he’s sorry but that I have trust issues and need to get over them, that he will talk to whomever he wants to and all I want to do is keep him from having any friends. My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do.
Just last night, I heard a message he had left her, once again referring to the song and how much he misses her. At one point, I texted her myself, asking her to stop the texting. Neither party respects my part in all of this -in fact they don’t think I have a part in it. I want to block her # from his phone but I also know that won’t fix anything and he can simply revert it. How can I still honour my husband but address this situation?
Angela, what your husband is doing is certainly not right. No matter what excuses he makes this secret contact of his can lead to your total lack of trust and ultimately your marriage. It is heart-breaking and disrespectful. I know as I suffered the same. My husband was in contact with an old girlfriend of his on face book. It was inappropriate and I begged him to stop. The face book contact became e-mails and from there daily sms’s and finally phone calls. Everything he did was in secret. The cell phone never left his side and passwords that had never been necessary came into play on the computer. I started checking up on him and that drove him even further away. According to him I had the trust issues he loved ME and I need not worry. I don’t know what to say to you but I feel your pain. I lost total trust and gave up. Even my prayers seemingly went unanswered. I obviously never reacted correctly because he has been gone and been in her arms for nearly three years now.
I would very much like to hear from someone who is presently doing this to his/her spouse and from their perspective explain what they would like/expect us to do? What would they do if the shoe was on the other foot? Please help.
This message opened my eyes as to what a married relationship should look like as far as trust goes. I’ve never thought about sharing the same passwords, and letting them know who you’ve added on Facebook and other sites.
I feel texting needs to be addressed separately and a little more in depth. There’s a tendency to say things in private texts that we wouldn’t necessarily in person, with fewer inhibitions. We also can use texting, even simple, otherwise benign things, like “Hi” or “How are you?” or “Good Morning”, in a way to show we thinking of people. It’s subtle, but you can get into a HUGE discussion over why you or your mate is texting “Hi” to an opposite sex “friend” or church brother/sister. You get the picture.
The truth is, the more we communicate with people, the more like it is that we’re becoming closer. Certainly, the more we share about how we’re feeling, what’s going on in our lives, what the issues of our heart are, even in the context of a prayer request, the more intimate we’re becoming with them. This is supposed to happen when we share personal things. How close are trying to become to someone an opposite gender person who is not our spouse? How does my spouse feel about it? Do they know? Texting is by definition a private conversation in a private space with the added cover of near invisibility and zero accountability. It’s personal attention paid and received, and we, as humans, enjoy that, sometimes and under some circumstance, more than we should. Separate topic I would like to hear other voices on.
I agree.
The topic of “Internet and Texting Rules for Couples” is so relevant in this age of technology. A lot of damage can be done when these are misused. Over a year and a half ago my husband’s texting with an old female friend caused some major arguments between he and I. I know God allowed me to discover a very inappropriate conversation between them. After discovering their messages to each other, I felt dead. I didn’t know that my body, mind, spirit were capable of feeling what I felt that day. The devastation was beyond anything I’d ever experienced. My trust in him was gone in less than no time. I continue to struggle so much when it comes to trusting my husband. My only hope is that I know God is much bigger than us and able to preserve what He ordained.
I pray God heals your heart and talks to your husband to help him to see that he can’t ever allow himself to do this type of thing again. It is damaging on so many levels and is wrong. May God work within him and within your marriage.
We have been married eighteen years, second marriages for us both. About four years ago, I discovered my husband was frequently communicating via text and calls with his ex-wife. We went to marriage counseling, and while he never admitted to any wrong doing, we worked through it. Then a year later, his phone record showed that he was having hours and hours of secret daily contact with a mutual, married friend. He said they were just friends and that she ‘cared how his day was going.’
He then dropped his Verizon phone and got a Trac phone to protect his privacy. I confronted her and their secret communications have come to a halt. In the meantime he set up a FB account and last September I discovered he had reconnected with a lady he dated in his teens (we are 60ish). There were grossly inappropriate messages but he swore that he was innocent. This lady’s FB page portrays a devout Christian, whose son is a minister. I actually had a breakdown over this. When I recovered, I went to counseling but he stated he did not need it because I make a big deal out of things. I was apparently the one with the problem. I told him this was the very last time. We have been getting along fantastically since then.
Now, this weekend, I saw a Facebook post from his ex-wife (she posts on his timeline frequently) sharing an old memory of his favorite Tom and Jerry clip singing ‘Is you is, or is you ain’t my baby?’ Her caption was “Do you remember this??? :) He claims, and his response reflected that he and his younger brother used to sing it. He told her it was a great memory and thanked her for sharing. I feel that not only her post but his response, crossed that line again. He refuses to set limits for his ex because he does not want to ’cause problems’ with his grown, married daughters.
He has absolutely no discernment as to what is and is not appropriate communication with the opposite sex. He is unable to set boundaries and it is a humiliation to me. He blames me for over-reacting but he has created and fostered my suspicions. I love him, but feel he has no respect for me or our marriage. AM I OVER-REACTING or is he indeed repeatedly disrespecting our marriage? Do I have a right to be upset. I am strongly considering filing for divorce. If he sees nothing wrong with these repeated contacts, his behavior will never change. There is no room in our marriage for a third person.
My husband has been deleting messages on his phone from a colleague (a woman). When I asked him he says no there is nothing going on. I want to believe him but again I’m asking myself why do you delete messages if there is nothing going on? And he goes on by saying statements like I was digging for information and I got what I wanted – that I don’t trust him because if I did I wouldn’t be checking his phone. Is it wrong to go through my husband’s phone? I don’t mind him going through my phone.
He’s lying. And what he is doing is a form of gaslighting – making you wrong, so you won’t recognize that HE is in the wrong – he’s trying to make you doubt what you obviously know to be logical and true. Tell him, “No, I don’t trust you right now. You are deleting messages and ACTING untrustworthy, so that makes me not trust you. Let me see your communication without deleting it, and you can begin to rebuild that trust. If you continue to intentionally hide it from me, I have no choice but to view you with distrust.” Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it, and stop whatever is going on with this coworker before it goes too far. Pray for inspiration of where and how to find the information you need. God will guide your hand. God bless you!
Thank you for that comment/answer. It really helped me a lot.
That was good counsel that Cynthia gave. I pray it helps you and leads you to approach this situation wisely, and in truth. Healing and reconciliation cannot begin until truth is revealed, acknowledged and acted upon now, and in the future.
My narcissistic wife hid her phone friends from me until I went into the bedroom and she bolted out while talking to a guy–many years younger than her–she would only say it’s a friend!
I checked the call records and it was long 52 min conversation and a few others on a regular basis. She is SICK and needs help because her narcissism won’t allow her to give up one iota of anything she considers her independence and calls me controlling and toxic for even asking?? She talks to married men nearly daily and insists their wives know it–so maybe, but as her husband she must share that and refuses. She is seriously ill and probably schizophrenic.
In addition, she is an illegal alien so when she found out from an attorney that marrying me would not help her become a legal, permanent resident of the USA she used an excuse to leave me just a few days later. So she is gone and I shut her phone off so she lost her phone number and many contacts, which I am grateful for. She was known to have said that “I ruined her life” yea her deceptive PHONE LIFE ! and PURPOSELY SO!
Nevertheless, she was seen in a tiny restaurant by me a few weeks after she left with a guy she snuck around behind my back with–and a younger guy–only “friends” she claims but then WHY COULDN’T YOU TELL ME, YOUR HUSBAND? Her mental illness wont allow it; her sense of control is her phone life and she acts like that is her last and only thing she can hold on to to keep her sanity. She is mentally unstable and fragile-she left and nearly destroyed me emotionally while thinking nothing of it–as long as she is left alone. Clueless! I’m so disgusted at her and of course her entire COLUMBIAN family ENABLES AND SUPPORTS HER DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR! No one will tell her that constant and continually running from her problems is ruining lives!
My husband routinely updates his Facebook page with a new profile picture of just him. Women quickly tell him how good looking he is. I checked some of his friends Facebook pages and all of their profile pictures include their wives. I feel like he only wants to be a couple in private, not in public. We have been married a long time. I have told him he is handsome, but it doesn’t mean anything to him. I feel devalued.