Many spouses believe their marriage is in conflict with the ministry God has given them. Their attitude seems to be: “If I really give to my marriage what all these books and counselors say I should, my ministry will suffer. Marriage is important. But my ministry is for God. And He deserves 100 percent.”
This type of thinking translates into the resolve that “I will respond to anyone who calls at any time other than my spouse. Even if my spouse needs for me to be at home with him or her, if someone else calls for my attention, he or she will just have to understand that God’s work comes first.”
Perhaps the bluntness of this statement makes it seem like something that you would never say. However, this type of thinking can creep in subtly.
Marriage Vs Ministry?
The reason for this error is a misunderstanding of how marriage and ministry fit together. Many couples believe and live as if marriage and ministry do not fit together. They view these two areas as being an irresolvable conflict. They feel that one must be subordinate. Frequently, this translates into a severe neglect of the family. This is because “serving the Lord” is more important. Those having this attitude defines service to God as “spiritual things that take place outside the home.”
Other couples believe that marriage and ministry ought to fit together. So they run back and forth between the two. The fit is never comfortable or easy. But they enjoy some success from their juggling efforts.
Managing the Family Well
The first approach, a neglect of the home, is clear disobedience to God’s standards for those who oversee his church. Paul tells us that “[an overseer] must manage his own family well“ (1 Timothy 3:4). Obviously, a pastor cannot manage his home if he is never present. The second approach will work when both areas make major demands at the same time. Those who try to take on both equally are prime candidates for burnout.
There is a better way. I have seen it work for people who made a commitment to it from the beginning. It also works well for those who first chose one of the above approaches. And then they struggled hard to change horses in midstream. This is a third option regarding marriage and ministry. We view our Bible studies, singing in the choir, our teaching, or our counseling as a part of our ministry. So we must see our marriage as a viable part of our service to God.
One of the most important assets in an effective ministry is a healthy and strong marriage. Many people in ministry are failing God because of problems in their homes. These problems have been generated by their neglect.
Traps Ministry Spouses Fall Into
One of the traps that many ministry couples have fallen into is that of separating spiritual things from earthly or mundane things. God makes no such distinction in our lives. We are to honor Him and give glory to Him in everything we do. Surely God would not have us neglect our families for the sake of his church. Rather we need to nurture our relationships at home. This way they, by example, can strengthen the body.
An example of this is found in a young pastor. He believed that the things he deemed “spiritual” must be treated as being more important than those he felt were of this world. Early in his ministry he worked six long days in the church.
On his “day off” he left his wife and three small children at home. He then spent twelve hours in the streets passing out Bibles. This pattern was repeated for ten years. As a result his marriage and family suffered greatly. He said to me, “How I wish I understood that loving my wife and nurturing my children were also ministries!”
How we must grieve God when we neglect the very relationship that is to illustrate Christ’s relationship to his bride. What a greater affront is that we do it “in his name.”
Neglecting the Family
Several years ago I was counseling a ministry couple. Their marriage was on the verge of breaking up. This pastor’s neglect of his family was staggering. I suggested to him that his pattern of behavior was not of God. He replied: “You do not understand. Whatever crosses my path is from God. It requires my complete attention. I cannot say no. So He will care for my family.”
This minister had defined ministry as absence from home. How sad it is that he never saw that his family had also crossed his path and that his ministry to them was as important as any speaking engagement!
Everything we do is to glorify God. For that reason all that we strive for is to be in service to Him. This is as true of listening to and encouraging our spouse as it is of being at the bedside of a dying parishioner. God makes no distinctions. He says, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus“ (Colossians 3:17).
We are to be Godly Examples
The idea that every area of our lives is to be considered service to God is powerfully emphasized by Peter’s exhortation to elders. He says that overseers are to shepherd others. But they are also to serve as examples to their flocks. Paul reiterates this idea many times when he says, “Copy me.” “Be imitators of me.” We are to be godly examples to those we serve. This certainly includes all areas of home and family life as well as all aspects of our church ministry.
A perfect ministry and a perfect marriage are not necessary in order to glorify God. However, obedient hearts that strive to please God in every area of life are necessary if our example is to bring honor to the name of Christ.
Diane Langberg wrote this article. It comes from the book, Counsel for Pastors’ Wives
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further on this matter, here’s what one couple learned about serving God and each other:
“What we learned in the counselor’s office was that by choosing to get married—something we did without a booming vocal direction from heaven—we were now called to live out our salvation within the context of our relationship. Marriage, too, was now our calling.
“If two people are not willing to compromise at all, then they probably shouldn’t get married. But for most couples, vocational callings can and should be merged until both parties feel they are living faithfully according to their gifts, desires and goals. After all, if calling is about living each breath for Christ then two people who commit their lives to each other have a divine calling to honor each other fully. They have a divine calling to respect and love each other. They are to work through conflict together. And they are to forgive and make sacrifices for each other.” (Jake and Melissa Kircher, from their article, “One Couple. Two Callings. What Now?”)
Some Closing Thoughts on Marriage Conflicting with Ministry:
Here are two questions that are asked that go hand-in-hand concerning this issue:
“God has called us together in marriage, but what callings does he have for each of us? How do we balance—and support—our distinct gifts and purposes?”
Here’s how writer, blogger, and editor, Dorcas Cheng-Tozun answers these questions:
“God does not ask us to choose between supporting our spouse and pursuing our own calling. He desires to give us both. And, in His infinite creativity, He can. There may be periods when couples prioritize one spouse’s vocation over the other’s. But in those seasons, we can trust that God is still gifting both husband and wife with purpose—if not at that moment, then in his perfect timing. Today we remember Elisabeth Elliot as a missionary, speaker, and author, callings that crystallized after the death of her husband in the mission field. His commitment to live out God’s purpose, despite ending in tragedy, ended up shaping her own life’s work. And as her husband pastors a church and pioneers charitable outreach in Austin, Jen Hatmaker has found a dynamic calling writing and teaching the Bible across the country.
“…Even when one spouse seems to have the ‘shinier’ vocation, the other is never sidelined. Each of us has a role in God’s story, and discovering that role can enrich our marriages as well. We can bring more vibrant versions of ourselves to the relationship—creating more chances to learn from our uniquely created spouses, and to praise the God in whose image they are wonderfully made.” (Dorcas Cheng-Tozun, from her article, “Can One Marriage Support Two Callings?)
Continually ask God to show you your calling and your spouse’s calling. They may or may not be the same; but when they come from God they will be supportive. He wants to work in and through each of you and your marriage to accomplish His Kingdom work.
Filed under: Pastors and Missionary Marriages
(PA) First of all, It’s God, family, then church. The problem is that some Pastors need to be reminded that there wife want to feel loved and have that compassion that a wife need. Just because you are a pastor’s wife doesn’t mean that you want to spend all of your time in the church with your husband. A pastor’s wife still loves to be romance by their husband.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been blessed.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has been a pastor for eight years. We came to the ministry after a career in business and with all of our children out of the house. I love my church family and I am very involved with the community. My problem is that my husband is restless and feels like he is being called into the mission field. What about the mission field that exists in our own town? The depression, extra marital affairs, children without fathers who are crying out for Godly adults to lead them?
When my husband was called it was in a very dramatic public way and it was very apparent that the place where we got called was where we were supposed to be but the demands and the seemingly thankless aspects of ministry are chafing on him. Going on long mission trips he gets to practice his calling in a way that he feels he can’t here. While I am glad that he has a passion for Christ and a burning desire to spread the gospel abroad, what about this congregation? How do they deal with the feelings of abandonment? They feel they called a pastor, not a missionary and I am the one who is having to deal with their feelings.
Has anyone else had to deal with this? Yes, I am praying about how to respond to inquiries about my husbands missions and I am holding down the fort while he is gone by preaching, visiting the sick, doing the business of church and I am frustrated by being treated like I only exist to allow him his globe trotting. Pray for me, I need to stay strong in the Lord because I serve Him.
(SMITH) I am also a Pastor’s wife of 7 years. My husband treats me like crap; when we got into the church he made it all about himself. I only get to say something if I’m lucky at Bible study. I’m also a teacher and preacher of God’s word. He tries to preach about me on the sly were he doesn’t think anyone will realize it’s his wife he is putting down. It took me 2 yrs to realize he doesn’t really care for women in ministry; he finally had to admit it. He will also throw rocks at other pastors. He ignores me like I’m not in the room or I’m negative or talk too much; he looks straight ahead when I talk to him. The only time I’m special is on Wednesday and Sunday…he lies to the church. I’m not acknowledged at home. What should I do?
I think this entire thread is critically important. When we look at the Bible, great men of God did have horrible families:
– Noah – whose son seems to have sexually abused his drunk father?!
– Righteous Lot – it seemed his family wasn’t ready to leave Sodom.
– Jacob (several of Jacob’s sons sell their youngest brother into slavery– God used it for good but… did it have to be that way?)
– Judah’s family – Two wicked sons, killed directly by God, ends up siring a twins via his daugher in-law’s ruse as a prostitute.
– Samuel (two sons whose oppression of the people led to the establishment of an Israelite King –which God clearly says was a rejection of him to “be like the other nations around us”)
– Aaron (Moses’ brother –two of his sons were killed by fire for callously ignoring God’s specific commands around worship in the sanctuary)
– David –his family life reads like a real life Greek tragedy –fratricide, patricide, rape-incest, sibling rivalry in political intrigue.
All of these were given to us for an example of how badly things can go if no one’s minding the home fires (no matter what they’re out doing… from the work of God to fighting with the “living armies of God” to administering a priesthood devoted to Godly worship).
My husband decided to go into evangelical mission work in 2009, three years after he retired from the military. It was then that I ceased to exist. It just took me a few years to figure that out. I’m just the cook, dog-sitter, and errand girl, and a bench-warmer wife to an absentee husband.
In 2011, our church pastor announced to the congregation that my husband was thinking about moving and starting a planter church 1200+ miles away. That was the first I’d heard of it. All my husband would say to me is that he thought that the conversations he’d had with our pastor had been in confidence. My husband pays very little attention to me. On the nights when he has nothing to do outside the home, he goes in the den and closes the door. We haven’t had sex in over 3 years. At this point, I don’t care anymore. I might vomit if we did have sex.
In January, my husband decided we were going to move to another church. He also decided that “we” were going to move 260 miles away so that he could finish his degree from a Bible college on campus. He didn’t tell me that he’d planned to move either –I happened to overhear him tell our new pastor on the day that we requested that our membership be transferred. My husband didn’t have the guts to tell anyone at our old church where my family and lifelong friends are members. And, never mind the fact that my entire family is here; we have a farm and a house here; and I have tested positive for lupus and if we move my health insurance will change for the worse.
Apparently, my husband believes that decisions that will alter my life drastically are none of my business. Most of the time, when I try to talk to him, he just ignores me. Sometimes he will say two or three sentences –whatever he thinks it will take to shut me up –and then he just goes on about his business. He decided to leave me here at home while he lives on campus to finish his degree. Due to a drought a few years ago, the foundation on our house was damaged and he has refused to have anything done about it. The walls are severely cracked and the exterior door to the kitchen will no longer close –I have to prop it closed with a kitchen chair. The last time I tried to talk to him about the house, he said, “If we get the house fixed, I’ll have to get a job, so I won’t be here. If I’m not going to be here anyway, I might as well go on to school and go into the mission work!” I assume that letting the house fall apart fits into a plan to force me to move.
My husband’s mother died of cancer a few days ago. Last week, my husband cut classes and drove to be with his mother, 1500 miles away. He didn’t even tell me that he was going. After he got to his mother’s home, his sisters guilt-tripped into calling me to let me know where he was. This may have been the straw that will break the camel’s back. There’s more, but I think I’ve said enough for you to get the idea and then some.
Did the Apostle Paul mean that if a wife isn’t happy with her husband’s decisions, she’s just supposed to keep her mouth shut and obey orders? I know that God made woman with the intention of her doing whatever she has to do, short of sin, to make a man happy. But does it matter at all if woman is miserable? What’s left? Am I just supposed to melt down and morph into whatever he wants me to be? Am I supposed to abandon my family and move to parts unknown so that I can have the pleasure of being completely alone with a man who has abandoned me emotionally? I don’t think I can do that. Please help. I’m on the verge of just throwing in the towel on a 21-year marriage.
Hi. I live and do ministry in a country opposite the Pacific from the USofA. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and our ministry started at exactly the same time.
I was reading this email chain with great interest because I just didn’t know how to fix a problem smouldering at home. Thanks for being so honest about yourselves. I feel I’m in good company and feeling better already.
I guess I’ve been one of those villains in your stories. A few years ago, my wife confronted me and I had to face my part of the problem head-on. I’ve been through personal and marital counseling, psychotherapy, spiritual direction, both at a
book-knowledge and therapy level. I thought I’ve improved as a person and my marriage improved. But I can tell that my wife never forgave me for my neglect of her. Even though I feel I’m a much better husband now, she will stomp on me for any
sign that I’m abandoning her again.
My ministry is all about traveling far and wide, and yet how can I keep her happy without quitting? I don’t know. My supervisor is an experienced man and he wants me to do anything humanly possible to keep my marriage intact. I’ve also made a commitment to reduce my travels.
I guess I’m coming to you because I have no where else to turn to. I can’t let people in my small circle know, or else… Please pray for me that I’ll continue to do the right thing. May my wife see that I truly love her. I hope she will forgive any offenses incurred. I’m somebody who doesn’t know how to have fun. I hope that I can start by taking her to this special lunch this Friday. Thanks.
I’ve just told my husband of 8 years that I want to end the marriage even though we entered this marriage prayerfully. Since our courtship period, he has never really given us quality time… the reasons kept changing…. work isssues, financial stress, too tired, ministry. Before we got married, we spent time in prayer and worship to work out his anger issues, him neglecting me etc. Things got better for a while. After we got married, he began to prioritize ministry over me, and he’d promised me he’d never do that. I’d painfully put behind a lot… indiscretions prior to marriage, emotional abuse, and I’ve always helped him financially.
The last 4 yrs were actually quite good… but he just got into a new ministry, which has been taking up a lot of his time. I had barely been seeing him anymore over the last 2 months… at a time I needed him most. I’ve had a spate of health problems for 2 yrs… anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts since 6 months. He’s a pastor and has suddenly got fed up of being there for me. He’s been mean, insensitive and snappish. I called him to come over and pray for me on 2 occasions when having a meltdown and was considering ending it. And on both occasions he seemed rather flippant: once, he said he’d finish his prayer set and be there in 15 minutes…and came over an hour later. On another he said we’d spend time in prayer after a couple of days since he was busy with “children’s sun practice.”
It’s like I suddenly no longer know him…ironic as it may be, given my state… I was keeping my calm for quite some time and he seemed to snap over the most trivial things. One day I told him that I really didn’t need this and needed him to be supportive at such a time. He just yelled at me & said he refused to take responsibility for my state any longer. He said a lot of very hurtful things: “I don’t care what happens to you”, and said I should inform others to share this burden so he’s not blamed if I end it. He wanted idemnity for himself and his family… even several days later, no regret, no remorse. He called me demanding and said I shouldn’t expect anymore from him.
I couldn’t take it anymore… the constant rejection/refusing to help in my darkest moments. I’ve walked out. I’m not happy, but strangely at peace. I don’t want to end the marriage really, but I’m afraid I can’t handle being in that environment of constant rejection/being made to feel like a burden anymore. Spiritually, I’m quite confused. My pastor didn’t really seem too interested in correcting him either. I think he can’t digest that my husband has really done all that. How do I handle this?
Hello, I stumbled at this page in my frustration not knowing what to do. I have been married for 19 years. I love God and really wants to make heaven. My husband is born again and has even pastored a church previously but is not now due to job relocation. I feel I need to have more care, love and concern from him. I feel I need to have more commitment to sharing our dreams together, pray more together, show more care and love for those things that concerns me directly, but I scarcely get it. I feel there is no romance, and love in my marriage and when I complain, he always has a point to weaken what I am exactly saying. Our discussions are mostly arguments because of this. We are not good communicators.
My pain now is that I am not working now because of relocation, living in a strange land with no friends and family members. This is also affecting my joy and making me sin against God by being frequently upset. The thoughts of leaving the marriage comes to me easily, but that is a great venture because due to the word of God I know and the experiences of others, I don’t even have the stamina to do so normally.
But I am concerned now that I could be upset one day and just travel away from him just to be separated. The feelings are hurting me and it paralyses every other thing I would love to do to improve myself and my family. Please I need counsel. Help me. Thank you in advance.
I have just read inspiring stories in this page. Both me and my husband are Christians. In 2010 our marriage was going through a rough patch and we did not receive any help at the church we were attending that time. We moved to another church in 2011 and God did wonders to our marriage as we got to learn more of His word and our marriage turned around and was beautiful all over again. We decided to serve in the church, I joined Intercession and he joined ushering and we became Home Cell leaders, as well. We were really committed.
In 2013, a branch was opened and a Pastor assigned to the new branch; she chose me and my husband to go with her to the new branch. But at the main church they refused to let my husband go because they wanted to give him responsibilities at the Main church. Now we did not know what to do, and I was told I must decide whether to go to the new branch or remain in the Main church with my husband. I was at crossroads and angry as to why everything is being thrown at me.
But my husband suggested that I go and help the new branch, since we had done the planning and everything for the new branch. It started well and after a year, we became distant with my husband and tension. I am not always at home. He is not always at home as we are both working fully time so the kids are being neglected. But it felt wrong to say NO to going for Outreach, Overnights etc and thus was never at home most of the time. Our kids range from 16-6 years. I did go until 2014 December. My husband asked that I return to the main church. I told the Branch Pastor and she said I must not go because I’m one of her strongest leaders.
What I don’t understand is what about my family, marriage? Or maybe they are taking advantage that we’re committed to serving God without asking questions. How can I handle this situation? Please help. We love this church because they really teach the word of God and has helped us grow spiritually, but now I do not know what to do. Please help.
Hi, We have been married for 5 yrs. We were both divorced before. Its been a tough road for us. My husband who is a pastor now says that our marriage is not real in God’s eyes and that it is an adulteress marriage. He has also said that he wants to divorce me because he feels God is maybe saying that he should so that our ministries can be fully fulfilled and that he feels maybe then God will also heal me from SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythmatosus) that I was diagnosed with in 2011.
My question being, Is this really what God would want? He also says that Katherine Kuhlman, an evangelist, did this many, many years ago. Because she did this and left her husband her healing ministry took off. Does God really say this? Would He not prefer we stay in our current marriage as both of us are believers and work things through instead of trying to find loopholes in the word and via sermons and teachings to justify him to leave me?
We have really been through a lot but I don’t feel I should discuss all the details, but please be assured no adultery has taken place from either side. Please help. Blessings to you all.
Matthew 19:9 states: “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” (KJV)
Here, Jesus prohibits divorce, except in a case of sexual misconduct — Jesus here deviated from Jewish law, which said that a man could freely divorce his wife.
Mark 10:11-12 states: “…Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.
Luke 16:18 states: “Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.” These gospel writers record Jesus as having taken a different stance on divorce. He said that it is unacceptable for any reason at all.
God did not intend for his people to change spouses like we change underwear. Marriage is a covenant between God and man. You stated, “My husband who is a pastor now says that our marriage is not real in God’s eyes and that it is an adulteress marriage.” Apparently, he now recognizes since “This” is a second marriage, it was out of divine order in the first place.
You stated, He has also said that he wants to divorce me because he feels God is maybe saying that he should so that our ministries can be fully fulfilled and that he feels maybe then God will also heal me from SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythmatosus) that I was diagnosed with in 2011.
It appears that your husband wants you both to get back in right standing with God according to the word. He is apparently trying to repent from sin and move forward into right standing with God again. At least I hope this is his desire.
You asked, “Does God really say this? Would He not prefer we stay in our current marriage as both of us are believers and work things through instead of trying to find loopholes in the word and via sermons and teachings to justify him to leave me?” I ask you do you believe this scripture: Matthew 4:4 But He replied, It has been written, Man shall not live and be upheld and sustained by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.
As the wife of a pastor you have been studying the word of God daily. Therefore you should have a good understanding of James 4:17 (KJV) which says, “Therefore to him that knoweth to do right, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.” (Gods Word Translation, “Whoever knows what is right but doesn’t do it is sinning.”)
So, I ask you who said in your comment you are a believer, meaning you are sustained by every word that comes from the mouth of God, does God really want you to stay in this marriage built on adultery. Because the word from God’s mouth in Matthew 19:9, Mark 10:11-12, and Luke 16:18 clearly confirms that you are in an adulteress relationship. The Bible says, who the Lord loves he corrects. You should be glad for the correction and do like Jesus told the women who was caught in adultery and was about to be stoned until Jesus intervened, John 8:10-11, “When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.”
I encourage you to take Christ advice my dear, go, and “SIN NO MORE”. God does not change, he will not accommodate your life style patterns and beliefs contrary to his word. God grant you strength and faith to walk upright before him.
You are both adults. You both knew what you were getting into before the marriage oath. This is similar to the story of David and Bathsheba. He saw you taking a bath, not literally. How many more women he is watching taking a bath. Let me clarify when I say taking a bath I mean your vulnerability.
It appears now that he is ready to move on to another and is using the scriptures as a way out. God’s light is exposing you both. You, who are walking in blindness to the truth that your marriage is right, and him who is using the scriptures to cover up deception to further his ministry. It was good when you helped him start the ministry and get it up and running. Now he doesn’t need you and wants to kick you to the curb, by any means possible.
If you believe this is God’s will then put it to the test and give up the ministry and get counseling ASAP! It appears your ministry was not built on “THE ROCK” but deception and you both should not be built on this path. If he believes you will be healed if the marriage ends, then vise versa, he will be delivered by walking away from a deceptive ministry.
WHAT DOES THE WORD OF GOD SAY: It is apparent he has entered into the sheepfold through deception and has contaminated the office of a pastor.
John 10; 1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.
Romans 16:17-18 — “Now I beseech you brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which you have learned; and avoid them. For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.”
2 Corinthians 13:5 — Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?
You both have some soul searching to do. God grant you strength and faith to walk upright before him.
Thank you for the guidance, I recently turned 50 and I have decided that I want to serve the Lord. I’m married but me and my husband do not understand and believe Christianity the same way. He believes that he is the one who should do everything for God and I will be blessed by that. I do understand that he is the head with respect to teaching and serving God. My challenge is that I feel empty and I have a strong character that I want to apply for God like I do professionally and academically.
I don’t know; maybe I’m asking for too much. The church we are attending does not fulfill me, I want to be active in the activities but women are allowed minimum activities, and they are not allowed to take leadership roles, I’m a leader professionally; possibly that’s why I’m frustrated. Should I just relax and continue as it is? My wish:
One day before come a minister of which my church does not allow, be a community worker especially serving children and even adopt children of which my husband does not support. I have so much energy that I’m not using and it frustrates me
Nkina, My wife and I just had a conversation about this two weeks ago and we are responding to you as one flesh. She pointed out something to me that really opened my eyes. She said if God is a “whosever God” this means that anyone or anybody who does his will has been given the authority to work in the Kingdom. She went on to ask me why would God give us gifts and expect us to not use them to further the Kingdom of God on this earth. Why would a husband who say he loves the Lord, not support his wife’s gift or gifts but expect her to support his gifts is that scripture? She asked me to show her in the scripture where God expects that.
She is correct because we are taught that God is neither pro Jew nor pro Gentile, pro male nor pro female. This means the Church should take the same position as God. If a husband believes Gods word, that the two has become one flesh, then why is he having beliefs contrary to himself. How can two walk together except they agree? Amos 3:3. How can one part of you conflict with the other part in saying “He believes that he is the one who should do everything for God and I will be blessed by that. “ Is that scriptural. That is saying that the women is not part of the body of Christ.
If this belief is taken to be true, then it is contrary to 1 Corinthians 12:4-11 which states, There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone. To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit is given for some benefit. To one is given through the Spirit the expression of wisdom; to another the expression of knowledge according to the same Spirit; to another faith by the same Spirit; to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit; to another mighty deeds; to another prophecy; to another discernment of spirits; to another varieties of tongues; to another interpretation of tongues. But one and the same Spirit produces all of these, distributing them individually to each person as he wishes’.
If the Holy Spirit is the one producing gifts and distributing them individually to each person as he wishes, than who have the right to override the Holy Spirits giving and who have the right to decide who can and cannot participate in the ministry. If a man feel he has that right, then he is acting contrary to the works of the Holy Spirit whom Jesus designated as the one to teach and lead all men into truth.
Furthermore, anyone who understands the teachings of Jesus would already know that unbiblical traditions were not required. It is without controversy at least I would hope it is that Jesus is the word made flesh and dwelt among men. Without a doubt this means that the four gospels containing his teachings is what we should be preaching as the standard in the Church. I believe that everything in the Bible is a statement of truth, on the other hand, there are statements made based on opinions and need to be tested to determine if it falls in line with the teachings of Christ in the four gospels. As an example, Paul makes it clear in the following sections of 1 Corinthians 7 that what he is saying is not a command from God but his own opinion:
“But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.”
Many churches use this section as grounds of premarital sex. However, does Paul’s opinion conflict with Christ teachings in the four gospels? Yes it does. Jesus said divorce is only permitted in cases of fornication, which is defined as having sex before marriage.
Again, we see in the next verses where Paul injects his opinion. “But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath a husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.”
This letter certainly contracts what Paul says in his 2 Corinthians 6:14 letter; Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness? Many churches have used 1 Corinthians 7:12-17 as grounds of permitting divorce. I believe because of this opinion given by Paul, the Church has seen the number of divorces increase astronomically. However, does Paul’s opinion conflict with Christ teachings in the four gospels regarding divorce? Yes it does. Jesus says divorce is not permitted except in cases of fornication. Why would Paul encourage believers to marry unbelievers who beliefs are contrary to one another?
There are those would say, it maybe the writer’s opinion but the spirit of the text and the moral lessons are from God. My answer to them is how can it be the moral lessons from God, if the impression is not God’s but Paul’s by his own admission? Then there are others who believe God inspired Paul to write those words in his letter. If Paul said it is his opinion and not God’s how it can be inspired?
Nikina, this was said to address your desire as a women who want to work in the Ministry. Men in general look to the letter of Paul in formulating their views regarding women’s works in the ministry. It has become the battle of the sexes so to say, when women want to serve the Kingdom of God with their God given talents. However, men have taken the position that the role of ministry solely belongs to them based on what Paul wrote in his letter in 1 Corinthians 14:34-35.
In 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, Paul wrote: “As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church” (vv. 33-35).
Now this is the same Paul who wrote in Romans 10:3-4: “For they being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God. For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone that believeth.” Where is it in Christ teachings that says, women are not to share their gifts in the ministry for the edifying and building up of the saints? This belief is contrary to what God intended in the body of Christ.
God being a, “whosoever God”, is against mindsets that says, ethnicity, gender or your status in life makes you more spiritually endowed than another. This mindset, that men are more spiritually endowed than women is not from God. If that was true, than God would not have allowed Debra to be a judge or allowed women to tell the disciples that Jesus had risen. Matter of fact, there are several places where Paul gives credit to women who used their gifts in the ministry. Acts 21: 8-9, and the next day we that were of Paul’s company departed, and came unto Caesarea: and we entered into the house of Philip the evangelist, which was one of the seven; and abode with him; 9 And the same man had four daughters, virgins, which did prophesy.
Acts 18: 24-26, “And a certain Jew named Apollos, born at Alexandria, an eloquent man, and mighty in the scriptures, came to Ephesus. This man was instructed in the way of the Lord; and being fervent in the spirit, he spake and taught diligently the things of the Lord, knowing only the baptism of John. And he began to speak boldly in the synagogue: whom when Aquila and Priscilla had heard, they took him unto them, and expounded unto him the way of God more perfectly.” Notice it was Aquila and Priscilla who expounded which means explained to him about God.
In Romans Paul mentions several other women who were doing their part in the ministry. He even stated two women had a home church. Romans 16:1-6 I commend unto you Phebe our sister, which is a servant of the church which is at Cenchrea: That ye receive her in the Lord, as becometh saints, and that ye assist her in whatsoever business she hath need of you: for she hath been a succourer of many, and of myself also. Greet Priscilla and Aquila my helpers in Christ Jesus: Who have for my life laid down their own necks: unto whom not only I give thanks, but also all the churches of the Gentiles. Likewise greet the church that is in their house.
We believe what Paul wrote in his letter, 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, was not only his opinion but was the views of men during his time. Why do we feel this way? God has given us salvation and he said, in God 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.”
The word “whosoever” is used to dispel bias and division in the body of Christ who believe that salvation is based on entitlements. God want us to know that he looks at us equally, absent of gender, ethnicity, and status. This is clearly stated in Galatians 3: 28-29, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. And if ye be Christ’s, then are ye Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.”
Jesus said, “for whosoever shall do the will of God, he is my brother, and my sister, and mother”, Matthew 12:50 and Mark 3:35 respectively. He clearly intended for everyone to be involve in the ministry doing Gods will. When Jesus ascended into Heaven he charged the disciples to “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit and teaching them everything I have commanded you…” No where does Jesus say, make disciples of everyone except women.
Let me end by saying again, God being a “whosoever God”, is against mindsets that says that ethnicity, gender or your social status in life make you more spiritually endowed than another. The best thing to do in your situation is to ask your husband to confirm his position based on God’s word. My wife certainly had me do this and I have come to the understanding that we are all called to worship and serve God regardless of gender, ethnicity, or ones social status. To think otherwise, would be establishing your own righteousness and that leads to strife, contentions and getting in trouble with God.
We pray that God will bring understanding in your marriage that a husband and wife is one in the sight of the Lord and using God given gifts is the will of God for the edifying and building of the saints, and to remember what Jesus when the, The Pharisees and their scribes began grumbling at Jesus’s disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with the tax collectors and sinners?” And Jesus answered and said to them, “It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:30-32) To do the will of the God is to be imitators of Christ and be a testimony of the power of God in our life who when we were sinners were called to repentance. God bless (:
I’m grateful for the information shared. Only this morning a pastor’s wife called me on the issue of not being able to balance ministry and family life. She indicated that because of tension in the home she is not comfortable sitting under her husband’s ministry. Some years ago, one pastor’s wife actually became the member of another Church because of similar circumstances.
I am looking for information to help my sister. I will share my own experience but what works for me may not necessarily work for her. So I welcome information shared in this article.
My experience is that in my earlier years in ministry I felt that my opinions were not valued until I saw them being implemented after someone else may have suggested them. I waited for an appropriate time with true examples and discussed my feelings. This of course was met with denial. I resorted to letting my husband know exactly how I felt. I noticed efforts being made over time to correct this and things have been getting better.
Hi. I’m a member of a church where the founder transitioned the church over to her daughter who is separated from her spouse. They have been separated on and off for years for what reasons, I don’t know. But it has effected the body tremendously. Most of the congregation have left because of it. I, myself, am feeling this tug to move on. Because I don’t believe in church hopping, I’m praying to God to intervene and convict the pastor’s heart to reconsider her ways and please God, by getting her home in order so that the body becomes strengthened. Please stand in prayer with me that God will deliver my pastor from this “disillusion spirit” that is causing her to feel ill will toward her spouse and I truly need prayer for myself in making the right decision.
My husband is called to lead a ministry while we are on vacation in a different country. Our vacation turned out to be a mission and we’ve been striving really hard to stay and help the church plant but our status as tourists has taken a turn that we’re supposed to return to our country. Along the way, God also gave him a job to sustain our stay here to help out and he has blessed us so abundantly since we have committed to the church plant but now with our tourist status, I feel that we need to go home first and hold on to God’s promise that he will bring us back here to see His work done.
My husband’s employer sponsored his work visa and the immigration is asking for my husband’s status before they make a decision. The clear option is to let the immigration know we’re out of status as tourist, go home, and wait for the decision so we can come back. The problem is, my husband doesn’t believe this is in his calling’s best interest. He says that if we go home then we’ve lost faith in God’s promise to him and our family.
But I’m seeing it differently. I see it as God’s test for us to obey man’s laws and trust that he will bring us back where we are called. My husband wants to push the boundaries of the law and spend money that we don’t have. As a mother of two toddlers, a work at home mom, the family’s treasurer, I know that we’ll suffer greatly in our finances and most of all we’re breaking the law by overstaying. I also feel like we’re jeopardizing our children’s future by overstaying since they will be banned to come back. But this is all a risk my husband is willing to take, saying I have no faith in the Lord and his mighty hand over all things in our lives. We are both torn and honestly, we are running out of time to make a decision together because we keep fighting and we do not see eye to eye. Am I seeing things wrongly? Am I not submitting to my husband? Am I disobeying God for wanting to protect our children’s future?
Hi Angela, I’m sorry it took me this long to respond to your questions. These are difficult ones, to say the least. First off, I LOVE your husband’s enthusiasm in doing Kingdom work. That is great, and your being as supportive, and do what God has called you to do is great too. I sure love your heart and his.
I showed your posting to my husband Steve (because I was the one who posted it on the web site and he hadn’t seen it). I wanted to see if he saw the situation as I did (without me telling him my opinion before he formed his own. He does see it the same way — we both agree with the way you are seeing it. Again, your husband’s Kingdom mentality is great, but when you start skirting the laws of the land (particularly when it comes to immigration), the enemy of our faith can eventually find a way to cause us to trip over them (whether our intentions were pure or not). It’s not a matter of losing “faith in God’s promise” but rather doing as Jesus did… he followed man’s law, so God’s miracles would shine forth all the more. Can your husband trust God that He will bring him and the family back if he follows the immigration laws of the land? That is the question you posed to him, and we agree.
As far as “submitting” to your husband, God gave you a voice too. By respectfully and prayerfully using it, that doesn’t mean that you’re doing what you shouldn’t, but rather, you are using the God-given wisdom to “speak the truth in love.” There is a time to talk, and a time to be quiet. Right now, it would seem to be a time to give voice to some very viable concerns because your husband has not gone forth completely yet. I’ve actually been in the place where I kept voicing what I felt God was telling me over and over, and eventually Steve saw the wisdom… and later, we thanked God that it went as it did because it would have been disastrous the other way (and the same is true in reverse, where Steve has given me wisdom… I’ve listened, and the results were MUCH better than they would have been).
Keep praying, keep seeking God’s wisdom in this, pray for your husband (who can sometimes do things with his free will that God wouldn’t have him do), and trust God that He will bring to light that, which the darkness is trying to hide. May His will be done.