Is Marriage In Conflict With Your Ministry?

Many spouses believe their marriage is in conflict with the ministry God has given them. Their attitude seems to be: “If I really give to my marriage what all these books and counselors say I should, my ministry will suffer. Marriage is important. But my ministry is for God. And He deserves 100 percent.”

This type of thinking translates into the resolve that “I will respond to anyone who calls at any time other than my spouse. Even if my spouse needs for me to be at home with him or her, if someone else calls for my attention, he or she will just have to understand that God’s work comes first.”

Perhaps the bluntness of this statement makes it seem like something that you would never say. However, this type of thinking can creep in subtly.

Marriage Vs Ministry?

The reason for this error is a misunderstanding of how marriage and ministry fit together. Many couples believe and live as if marriage and ministry do not fit together. They view these two areas as being an irresolvable conflict. They feel that one must be subordinate. Frequently, this translates into a severe neglect of the family. This is because “serving the Lord” is more important. Those having this attitude defines service to God as “spiritual things that take place outside the home.”

Other couples believe that marriage and ministry ought to fit together. So they run back and forth between the two. The fit is never comfortable or easy. But they enjoy some success from their juggling efforts.

Managing the Family Well

The first approach, a neglect of the home, is clear disobedience to God’s standards for those who oversee his church. Paul tells us that “[an overseer] must manage his own family well“ (1 Timothy 3:4). Obviously, a pastor cannot manage his home if he is never present. The second approach will work when both areas make major demands at the same time. Those who try to take on both equally are prime candidates for burnout.

There is a better way. I have seen it work for people who made a commitment to it from the beginning. It also works well for those who first chose one of the above approaches. And then they struggled hard to change horses in midstream. This is a third option regarding marriage and ministry. We view our Bible studies, singing in the choir, our teaching, or our counseling as a part of our ministry. So we must see our marriage as a viable part of our service to God.

One of the most important assets in an effective ministry is a healthy and strong marriage. Many people in ministry are failing God because of problems in their homes. These problems have been generated by their neglect.

Traps Ministry Spouses Fall Into

One of the traps that many ministry couples have fallen into is that of separating spiritual things from earthly or mundane things. God makes no such distinction in our lives. We are to honor Him and give glory to Him in everything we do. Surely God would not have us neglect our families for the sake of his church. Rather we need to nurture our relationships at home. This way they, by example, can strengthen the body.

An example of this is found in a young pastor. He believed that the things he deemed “spiritual” must be treated as being more important than those he felt were of this world. Early in his ministry he worked six long days in the church.

On his “day off” he left his wife and three small children at home. He then spent twelve hours in the streets passing out Bibles. This pattern was repeated for ten years. As a result his marriage and family suffered greatly. He said to me, “How I wish I understood that loving my wife and nurturing my children were also ministries!”

How we must grieve God when we neglect the very relationship that is to illustrate Christ’s relationship to his bride. What a greater affront is that we do it “in his name.”

Neglecting the Family

Several years ago I was counseling a ministry couple. Their marriage was on the verge of breaking up. This pastor’s neglect of his family was staggering. I suggested to him that his pattern of behavior was not of God. He replied: “You do not understand. Whatever crosses my path is from God. It requires my complete attention. I cannot say no. So He will care for my family.”

This minister had defined ministry as absence from home. How sad it is that he never saw that his family had also crossed his path and that his ministry to them was as important as any speaking engagement!

Everything we do is to glorify God. For that reason all that we strive for is to be in service to Him. This is as true of listening to and encouraging our spouse as it is of being at the bedside of a dying parishioner. God makes no distinctions. He says, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus“ (Colossians 3:17).

We are to be Godly Examples

The idea that every area of our lives is to be considered service to God is powerfully emphasized by Peter’s exhortation to elders. He says that overseers are to shepherd others. But they are also to serve as examples to their flocks. Paul reiterates this idea many times when he says, “Copy me.” “Be imitators of me.” We are to be godly examples to those we serve. This certainly includes all areas of home and family life as well as all aspects of our church ministry.

A perfect ministry and a perfect marriage are not necessary in order to glorify God. However, obedient hearts that strive to please God in every area of life are necessary if our example is to bring honor to the name of Christ.

Diane Langberg wrote this article. It comes from the book, Counsel for Pastors’ Wives, published by Zondervan. In this book Dr Langberg offers sympathetic and realistic answers to 14 questions submitted to her from pastors’ wives. They are ones that are often asked. All of the answers require acts of faith, renewed patience, and wisdom that must come from God. With these divine resources come healing and possible solutions.

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you further on this matter, here’s what one couple learned about serving God and each other:

“What we learned in the counselor’s office was that by choosing to get married—something we did without a booming vocal direction from heaven—we were now called to live out our salvation within the context of our relationship. Marriage, too, was now our calling.

“If two people are not willing to compromise at all, then they probably shouldn’t get married. But for most couples, vocational callings can and should be merged until both parties feel they are living faithfully according to their gifts, desires and goals. After all, if calling is about living each breath for Christ then two people who commit their lives to each other have a divine calling to honor each other fully. They have a divine calling to respect and love each other. They are to work through conflict together. And they are to forgive and make sacrifices for each other.” (Jake and Melissa Kircher, from their article, “One Couple. Two Callings. What Now?”)

Some Closing Thoughts on Marriage Conflicting with Ministry:

Here are two questions that are asked that go hand-in-hand concerning this issue:

“God has called us together in marriage, but what callings does he have for each of us? How do we balance—and support—our distinct gifts and purposes?”

Here’s how writer, blogger, and editor, Dorcas Cheng-Tozun answers these questions:

“God does not ask us to choose between supporting our spouse and pursuing our own calling. He desires to give us both. And, in His infinite creativity, He can. There may be periods when couples prioritize one spouse’s vocation over the other’s. But in those seasons, we can trust that God is still gifting both husband and wife with purpose—if not at that moment, then in his perfect timing. Today we remember Elisabeth Elliot as a missionary, speaker, and author, callings that crystallized after the death of her husband in the mission field. His commitment to live out God’s purpose, despite ending in tragedy, ended up shaping her own life’s work. And as her husband pastors a church and pioneers charitable outreach in Austin, Jen Hatmaker has found a dynamic calling writing and teaching the Bible across the country.

“…Even when one spouse seems to have the ‘shinier’ vocation, the other is never sidelined. Each of us has a role in God’s story, and discovering that role can enrich our marriages as well. We can bring more vibrant versions of ourselves to the relationship—creating more chances to learn from our uniquely created spouses, and to praise the God in whose image they are wonderfully made.” (Dorcas Cheng-Tozun, from her article, “Can One Marriage Support Two Callings?)

Continually ask God to show you your calling and your spouse’s calling. They may or may not be the same; but when they come from God they will be supportive. He wants to work in and through each of you and your marriage to accomplish His Kingdom work.

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