Generally, being a stepparent to minor aged children is difficult. One must balance visitation schedules. You must try to have a reasonable relationship with children who may not have the verbal skills to articulate how they were emotionally impacted by the divorce or separation of their parents. Becoming a stepparent later in life is more difficult than most would expect. There are a few universal misconceptions that can cause a stepparent to be unprepared for adult step parenting.
So, the following are a few to help you navigate this issue:
Misconceptions on Step Parenting Adults
Misconception #1:
It is better to become a stepparent to someone whose absent biological parent is deceased. This is actually a severe untruth. It may actually be more difficult for one to accept a stepparent in situations where a biological parent dies. This is because the deceased parent is sort of deified by their surviving children. If a stepparent does things differently than their deceased parent, it could spark an argument.
The stepparent, who is unaware of the previous system of doing things, is usually caught off guard by this behavior. The children may think any change is a personal attack against their deceased parent. (This is actually true for both adult and minor children.) They may accuse the living parent of “forgetting about” the deceased parent. So they may not be supportive of the living parent’s relationship with their new stepparent. They may find many ways to voice their dissatisfaction including boycotting a family event organized by the stepparent. Or they could lash out during holiday festivities. They may even give the stepparent the ‘cold shoulder’.
What to do concerning this step parenting issue:
Both biological and stepparent should understand that although the adult stepchild is an adult, he may be unaware and/or unable to articulate the cause of his dissatisfaction in a healthy way. Much of what he feels is taking place on a subconscious level. This would be a good time for the biological parent to talk to their child. He or she should show tangible examples of how they are honoring the memory of their deceased spouses life. (This can include that the ornaments on this season’s Christmas tree were made by, or picked out by, the deceased biological parent.)
Assure them that nobody could ever replace their deceased parent. Pointing out similarities between the stepparent and the deceased biological parent has helped some blended families to adjust. Try not to take the responses of the grieving child to heart.
Go on with your life and enjoy your hobbies. Continue to spend quality time with your spouse. Allow your spouse to have bonding time alone with your adult stepchild(ren). Both the children and the parents/stepparents should always be respectful to each other. The biological parent should remind adult children that mistreatment of their spouse will not be tolerated.
Misconception #2:
Adult stepchildren will be too involved with their own lives to be concerned with ours. This is not always true. Many adult stepchildren have witnessed their parents’ relationships. They have probably met all of dads ‘mid-life crisis’ girlfriend’s. They can count the number of times mom has been married on both hands. Also, they remember each time they were told by their parents, “this relationship is going to last”. However, the relationships didn’t last. For that reason they may be more apt to be leery.
They may also become more involved with their biological parent’s life. They may stop by the house unannounced. Or they call at inconvenient hours. Additionally, they may also come up with some sort of “test” persuading other members of the family to participate. This is all done in an effort to determine if the relationship will last. If their parent has a sizable bank account, there can be other problems. They may tell extended family members that their stepparent married their parent for money. This would cause other family members to give the stepparent the cold shoulder. Or they may mistreat them.
What to do concerning this step parenting issue:
If the adult child becomes overly involved, the biological parent should assure their child that they appreciate the concern for their welfare. Let the child know that their actions are suffocating. Help the adult child understand that, should any need arise, they will be the first to be contacted. The stepparent should, in most cases, allow the biological parent to deal with their children alone. Always be supportive of the biological parent. This is especially true when the stepchild is around. The nicer the stepparent, the less likely others are to believe the rumors spread by the stepchild. Give the adult child time to adjust to their parent’s relationship.
Misconception #3:
The relationship with the adult stepchildren will happen quickly. After all, they are adults and understand how relationships work. This is not necessarily true. Adult stepchildren have probably had their own personal relationship experiences. This does not mean that they will welcome a stepparent with open arms. It may be more confusing for an adult stepchild to figure out where a stepparent fits relationally, in their lives, than it is for a minor aged stepchild. Is the adult stepchild really expected to call their stepparent mom or dad? Is there some other name that they are expected to use? Doing so may be setting expectations too high.
What to do concerning this step parenting issue:
Both biological and stepparent should understand that although the stepparent is technically a stepparent, they will rarely have a reason to actively parent. (This is especially true if the adult stepchild is above college age and is living on his own). Therefore they technically are not parents to the adult stepchild. They only have the title because they married a biological parent.
The stepparent, that comes into the adult child’s life, is initially nothing more than an acquaintance. All of the acquaintances, that the adult child comes in contact with, are known by their first or last name. Those same acquaintances address the adult child by his or her first or last name. Respect is not ‘automatic’ with adults. It cannot be enforced or strong-armed, as it is sometimes done when dealing with minor children.
In Step Parenting Adult Children
A stepparent must earn the respect of their adult stepchild, just as they would have to earn the respect of a coworker. Familiar titles should be reserved for those who have invested in the adult stepchild’s childhood. In the meanwhile, a stepparent should focus on building a workable and respectable relationship with adult stepchildren. In the beginning of the relationship, one’s first or last name should work well for both the adult stepchild and stepparent. Keep in mind that this is one of those relationships that will only succeed or fail after given much time.
Becoming a later-in-life stepparent to adult stepchildren can be a rewarding experience. However, it should be approached as one would approach a friendship. One must remember that the adults that you are step parenting have already been raised by parents. They feel that they have no need for another parent. They will, however, continue to welcome friends. True friendship grows when allowed to take a natural course.
Meka Butler DD, wrote this insightful article. Meka is the owner and Senior leader of “Blended Family Moments.” Unfortunately, this great organization is no longer available to contact on the Internet. Their web site and Facebook page went dark. But we appreciate the wisdom offered within this article.