Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. (Galatians 5:25)
Deciding who you will marry is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. In a kingdom courtship, the primary reason for marriage should be the conviction that a particular match is God’s choice for you. It should not be just a good choice, but God’s choice.
Good or Bad Choice?
Most of the time, you won’t have the luxury of choosing between people or circumstances that are totally bad or totally good. Nearly all your choices will appear good in some way, but only one will be part of God’s perfect plan —His best for you. The chief enemy you fight in choosing God’s best will be your own strong inclination to make a good choice instead of a God choice.
Before you can determine whom to marry, you must first answer an preliminary question: Does God want you to marry anyone, ever? Or is His plan for you to remain single? Scripture teaches that marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift from God (Genesis 2:18). When God wanted Adam to have a wife, He brought her to him. Their marriage was a gift from God.
Scripture Tells Us that Singleness is God’s Gift As Well.
“I wish that all men were as I am. but each man has his own gift from God,“ said the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:7. He wished all men were single like he was and free from the stresses of married life so they could devote themselves to God’s work. “But each man has his own gift from God.” In other words, God will either give to a person the gift of being married or the gift of being single.
People who are perpetually lonely as singles are usually the same people who are worried about what isn’t happening to them instead of what they should be doing to minister to others. Their focus is inward, not upward. In 1 Corinthians 7, we’re told to acknowledge singleness as good, allow it for our spiritual growth and use it for God.
C.S. Lewis
C. S. Lewis was single most of his life. He taught at Oxford and Cambridge Universities and used his free time as a single to write some of the best Christian literature available in the world today. As he was nearing retirement age, he met and married a woman he came to love intensely. Sadly, they only had 3 short years together. What would the world have missed if Lewis had married earlier someone whom God had not chosen?
It happens. Singles become consumed with the idea of how wonderful life would be if they just had a marriage partner, and then they make concessions and compromises that lead to marriage out of God’s timing and out of God’s will. To feel accepted by another person and avoid the stigma of being single, they enter into unhealthy relationships and compromise values they once held dear.
Beware of Slipping
The more consumed you become with the idea of marriage, the more easily you can slip into a pattern of fantasizing. It might start as innocently as fantasizing about being with another person. It might be someone you know at work or church. Then you might progress to fantasizing about the children you’d have together or where you would live. If they continue unchecked, your thoughts could become a full-blown X-rated video that stays stuck on replay in your mind until it replays in your life. The powerful feelings that accompany such thoughts can lead people into marriages God never ordained and intimate relationships He never approved.
Thoughtful Reflections
The Bible declares that as a man “thinketh in heart, so is he“ (Proverbs 23:7, KJV). What a strange thought! How can you think with your heart? We normally associate thought with the brain and feelings with the heart. The phrase “to think in the heart” refers to thoughtful reflection. Many ideas are briefly entertained by the mind without ever penetrating the heart. But those ideas that do grasp us in our innermost parts are the ideas that shape our lives. When our thoughts are corrupted, our lives follow suit. We are what we think.
“Gift” of Singleness
If God gives you the gift of singleness, He may use that quality in a way that wouldn’t be available to you as a married person. It may be for a season or it may be for a lifetime. God’s sovereign will is always meant for your good and His glory. If and when God decides you can best serve Him as a team member with a life partner, you won’t need to change Sunday school classes, search the singles ads, or join a dating service He will work out the circumstances. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD“ (Proverbs 18:22). This favor of the Lord is what God extends to His children in arranging the circumstances for them to meet their life partners.
Circumstances Could Be Worse
It also helps to remember that there are a great many circumstances worse than not being married. One of them is being married to someone who doesn’t share your love and desire for God. This person could be someone whose commitment divides your commitment.
Powerful Lesson
The life of Hudson Taylor is a powerful lesson in the value of God’s wisdom regarding marriage. Taylor was an English missionary who died in 1910 after spending more than 50 years as a missionary in China. When he went there in 1854, nearly 380 million people in the country’s interior had never seen a Westerner. They had also never heard the name of Christ. With a heart for God, Taylor penetrated deep into Chinese culture. He dressed like the Chinese, learned their language, and lived among them. By the end of his life, 205 preaching stations, 849 missionaries, and 125,000 Chinese Christians were a testimony to a life surrendered to God.
Ripple Effect
Hudson Taylor wielded a spiritual influence far beyond China. Even today, the ripple effect of his ministry is a part of our lives. The Chinese Christians number in the hundreds of thousands world-wide. Taylor was single when he left England, but he eventually married another missionary in China. A small sentence in one history book has always intrigued me: “In England, Taylor had left behind his unfinished medical studies and the girl he had hoped to marry. She had refused to come with him.” What would the world have missed if Taylor had stayed home to marry someone God hadn’t chosen?
God tested Taylor when He made him choose between God’s will and his own desires. The day came in Taylor’s life when he had to decide if it was important to be in God’s will or be married —the God choice over the good choice.
God still tests us today.
We can’t assume that the woman Taylor left behind was ugly, irritable, or contentious. He was a man of character who probably kept the company of godly woman. Many people may have thought it was a good match, and perhaps the couple could have had a good marriage. But every good choice isn’t God’s choice.
If God gives you the gift of singleness, He may use that quality in a special way. It’s something that wouldn’t be available to you as a married person—for a season or a life time.
God Still Had a Plan
God’s favor wasn’t lost on Hudson Taylor. In China, he eventually met and fell in love with 22-year-old Maria Dyer, the much-admired daughter of prestigious missionary parents. They had an uncommonly happy marriage because they shared a deep passion to evangelize China even at great personal sacrifice.
Seven years before his marriage to Maria and after his breakup with his fiancé, Taylor made a God choice that was painful and agonizing at the time. “What can I do?” he wrote to his sister. “I know I love her. To go to China without her would make the world a blank.” Instead of the “blank” life Taylor feared —the life we all fear—God brought purpose to his pain and honored his sacrifice. Even though it may have felt like a long wait, God was in the waiting. And so it is with us.
Don’t Miss the Best
When we decide on our own that we’re in love with another person and refuse to seek or wait for God’s instruction, He will allow us to choose the good. But we will miss the best—His perfect will. The problem is that things don’t work right when we’re in only the permissive will of God (1 Corinthians 6:12).
In his popular workbook, Experiencing God, Henry Blackaby suggests we “find out where God is working and join Him there.” We, on the other hand, are more likely to say, “God, here’s the person I want to marry. Will You bless us?” The difference is the approach. One approach puts God at the center while the other puts ourselves at the center. When we make choices independent of God and then ask for His blessing, we’re asking God to approve an idea that originated with us, not Him.
Adjust to Doing Things God’s Way
Throughout Scripture, God always takes the initiative. He sets the agenda. “We adjust our lives to God so He can do through us what He wants to do,” says Blackaby. “God is not our servant to make adjustments to our plans. We are His servants and we adjust our lives to what He is about to do.”
Once again we’re back to the difference between a good idea and a God idea. How many times have we heard people say, “If God gave me a brain, He must expect me to use it”? Even though God gave us the ability to reason and make choices, what did He say about our thoughts compared to His?
We’re Told in Isaiah 55:8-9:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
God’s knowledge and wisdom are far greater than ours. He can see the entire landscape while we concentrate on a single valley. We would be foolish to try to fit God into our mold and conform Him to our plans. Yes, He did give us a brain, and we should be smart enough to know that God’s even smarter.
Good Idea VS God’s Idea
Once again, what’s the difference between a good idea and a God idea? A good idea will work some of the time. But God’s ideas will work all the time. Scripture warns us not to lean on our own understanding but to trust God wholeheartedly (Proverbs 3:5). When we’re not willing to submit to God’s leadership in our lives, God will let us follow our own devices. In following them, we will never experience what God is waiting and wanting to do in us and through us.
Go With God
Christians must realize that it’s more important to be certain that a marriage is God’s will than to judge our suitability for marriage by love, attraction, or compatibility. Our situations change and we grow through the years. We cannot predict future compatibility on our own. When we accept compatibility as a primary basis of marriage, we can be led into cultural traps. One of these traps could be living together before marriage to make sure we are compatible. Only God knows the end from the beginning. He is the one who creates love, not man.
Ruth and Naomi
It was Ruth’s mother-in-law, Naomi, who made the choice of a husband for her (Ruth 3). It wasn’t love at first sight, getting to know each other, or even a passionate kiss that brought Boaz and Ruth together. Romance wasn’t the issue. But the story later became romantic as Ruth and Boaz developed an unselfish love and deep respect for each other. The issue was obedience, a “rightness” about the relationship. God was working in the situation, and He was using Naomi’s kindness and moral integrity to guide Ruth. As a result, Ruth later became the great-grandmother of King David and direct ancestor of Jesus.
Passionate Love?
Does the story of Boaz and Ruth interrupt your romantic vision of passionate love? Would you like the story more if the two had been lovers who glimpsed each other across the wheat field and became passionately attracted? It happens to some people in some situations, but the qualities that are attractive in the beginning may prove difficult to live with in the long run. The man who falls in love with a woman’s attentiveness may find it is the very quality that drives him crazy when he can’t get enough space. The woman who falls in love with a man’s drive to succeed may eventually find that quality irritating and destructive. He may end up spending more time at work than at home.
Critical Choice
Dr. Neil Clark Warren, author of the book Finding the Love of Your Life, says your choice of whom to marry is more critical than everything else combined. “If you choose wisely,” he says, “your life will be significantly easier and infinitely more satisfying. But if you make a serious mistake, your marriage may fail, causing you and perhaps your children immeasurable pain. Most of the failed marriages I have encountered were in trouble the day they began dating. The two people involved simply chose the wrong person to marry.”
What might seem like a good choice at the time may not be a God choice for a lifetime. If you “lean on your own understanding,” you may someday feel like the person who fell out of the raft into the Colorado River. The more you struggle, the deeper you go.
The Larger Picture
Just as Ruth was unaware of the larger purpose God had in mind for her life, you can’t see the larger picture of your life. Because of Ruth’s faithful obedience, her life and legacy carried great significance even though she couldn’t see the end result. In a similar way, your faithfulness to God’s leadership will bring a significance to your life. It’s one that will extend beyond your lifetime. The question is not how to find a mate, but who will find the mate. God will direct you in choosing God’s best.
This edited article can be found in the great book, Choosing God’s Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance
Filed under: Single Yet Preparing
(CANADA) "Choosing God’s Best" is the worst book ever for Christian singles. If marriage is what MarriageMissions.com hopes to encourage, they should stop recommending it and take down this article immediately.
Case in point: This is an entirely unbiblical teaching: "The chief enemy you fight in choosing God’s best will be your own strong inclination to make a good choice instead of a God choice". This is also an entirely unbiblical teaching: "Before you can determine whom to marry, you must first answer an preliminary question: Does God want you to marry anyone, ever? Or is His plan for you to remain single?"
The Bible NEVER says anywhere that we must find out from God whether or not He wants us to stay single or get married, and if so, to whom. And there are no examples anywhere in the New Testament where someone sought God’s personal opinion on these questions and got answers. No generation of Christians EVER considered singleness to be a gift, or marriage for that matter.
“I wish that all men were as I am. but each man has his own gift from God, does NOT mean "God will either give to a person the gift of being married or the gift of being single". This was a mistake made by the editors of the Living Bible in the 70’s. The latter part of 1 Corinthians 7:7 (which is conspicuously absent here) reads, some of one kind, some of another. Paul was NOT referring to two specific gifts (like this, singleness and that, marriage) but rather the variety of gifts that we each may be given, and in his case, it was most likely the gift to contain himself sexually, although he doesn’t state this specifically. So in light of the gifts (ie. abilities) that we each have, we are free to CHOOSE marriage or remain unmarried, as Paul goes on to say in verses 8 & 9. Some may be gifted with enablements that might incline one to choose singleness, but that does NOT mean that that Paul considered unwanted circumstantial singleness a gift (btw- suffering is NEVER considered biblically to be a gift, only when it occurs in the context of persecution for the sake of the church).
Unfortunately, this mistranslation has resulted in a generation of Christians who have been taught to believe that since God gives you either marriage or singleness as a equal gifts, you should be equally happy to get either. And that since it’s up to God, you don’t have to take much initiative, and to do so might be sinful. As Raunikar writes:
"If and when God decides you can best serve Him as a team member with a life partner, you won’t need to change Sunday school classes, search the singles ads, or join a dating service. He will work out the circumstances. ‘He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD’ (Proverbs 18:22). This favor of the Lord is what God extends to His children in arranging the circumstances for them to meet their life partners."
Raunikar has it completely backwards in claiming that God grants you favor in arranging circumstances and then you meet your life partner, when it’s clear that the actual verse reads that you get out there and find a wife (finds what is GOOD) AND THEN the Lord grants you favor!
It is astounding that he would encourage this kind of magical thinking, which inevitably discourages Christians from becoming active agents in their search for a mate. Especially amid our current epidemic of protracted singleness and declining birthrates! Young Christian women, who currently outnumber their single male counterparts two to one, cannot afford to waste their most fertile years on this kind of hyper-spiritualized nonsense.
It’s one thing to believe in the sovereignty of God and to take everything to the Lord in prayer as the old hymn goes. But it’s quite another when you presume to get an unmistakable answer or clear path in response to every question you ask him, particularly when it comes to mate-finding, which is the most human decision you will ever make. Truth be told, Christians get married the same way as everyone else: a mix of "man (or woman) with a mission" and "how’d that happen?!".
Dr. Raunikar died a couple of years ago, leaving behind a family that most likely depends to some extent on the royalties from his book, but not at the expense of those who might read it and come away confused, disheartened, and misled. As much as he is to be admired for his lifetime of humanitarian works, this doomed experiment for Christian singles isn’t one of them. It should be tossed into a time capsule with the rest of the "gift of singleness" genre for future generations who will be relieved that their grandparents paid no attention to it.
PS. Fortunately, teachings to Christian singles are currently under reform. Better, newer books include "Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness" by Debbie Maken; Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, by Candice Watters; The Freedom to Marry, by Ellen Varughese. For more teachings that are pro-marriage and anti-GoS, see giftofsingleness.blogspot.com and Boundless.com (sponsored by Focus on the Family, Watters is a contributor)
(US) KUDOS for this article. No wonder so many un-married persons have left the church. Go into ANY church in America… what is the majority of members status? MARRIED. We have 48-50% unmarried in the US now, 2012, and NO CHURCH has that percentage of members status.
Churches do not seem to want to help the unmarried person find a spouse, but bend over backwards when a married couple comes into their church – how can we help make your marriage stronger? Disgusting -won’t help the single to find a spouse -nope -abandoned to do this themselves -but open arms once this has been taken care of and marriage performed.
Kudos again that there is NO SUCH THING as a gift of singleness. Proverbs 18:22 does say finding a wife is a good thing and blessing obtained from God. NO WHERE will anyone find a Proverb that says “he who remains unmarried finds a good lifestyle and obtains God’s favor.” Prov 19:14 says a “prudent wife” is from God… so we should ask Him for such as He is the source. Makes you wonder where all other wives originate from!!!
Terrible when America cannot depend on the Pastors to properly instruct the Word of God -people have to take responsibility to do it themselves. Pretty sad.
(USA) Yes, the Bible says “The man who finds a wife, finds a good thing.” So why are men not “finding” us??? Too many men, even Christian men, have bought into the “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” theory. So they’re not looking to “find” anything but a bed buddy. Secondly, if men are doing the finding, what are we supposed to be doing while waiting to be found? I do not encounter single men in the course of my life. I kid you not. The only men I have dated in the 17 years since my ex left our marriage were men I met online. I’ve had one relationship in 17 years. The rest of the men I met (most only once or twice) are pretty much forgettable.
I think that singleness may indeed be a gift (and not one I want, thank you very much). If someone is happy single, when we are largely programmed to be part of team, I really do think that’s a gift.
No where in scripture does God promise us a mate. It would seem that we can all reasonably expect one based on how God said at creation that man being alone “wasn’t good.” But the truth is, there are many people that live out their lives longing for a mate and that one never comes. I have read stories of individuals who lead active lives and even minister to other singles, but for whom God has not brought them the partner they long for.
As I stated earlier, I truly long for that partner. I raised a son alone, I work, I bought a house -I live my life. But despite having had a number of different jobs over the years, attending several churches and finally, trying the online dating scene, I have not met anyone who is even interested in getting married, much less someone I could fall in love with. I have come to the sad place that, for whatever reason, God may not have marriage in his plans for me again. I would have no idea why -I don’t have a ministry or anything of that type that would be hindered by marriage. I can’t say I’m more of a blessing as a single woman than a married one. And I believe that I’m a bit more prepared for marriage than some. I don’t want to get married just to get married, or just to have a man. I know that marriage is as much about what I bring to the relationship as what I hope to receive. Do I have things to work on? Sure. Don’t we all? But if we had to be perfect to be ready for a mate… well, need I go on?
(INDONESIA) Truly, you are not submitted to God at all. Don’t you read it right? Single is a gift from God, so does being married! Some of the people in the scriptures are not married, and look at what God made them do! Again you must be in the submission of God! Isaac’s wife wasn’t his own choice, it was God’s choice! Did Adam choose his wife? No, God gave Eve to him. Stop looking just from a man’s vision, please. Single is not something to mumble about.
(USA) Wow, Jennifer’s comments made a lot of sense. However, at the same time the lady that writes about singleness to be a gift… I can see the way she is calling singleness a gift. It really has to be a gift for you to learn to be happy in your singleness.
However, it is true what Jennifer and the other person says about verses mentioned here… especially the one that speaks about “finding a wife…” I ask the same questions and is my dilemma… why are men not finding us? I go deeper… the Bible speaks against unequal yokes… but where are the real Christian men? What should we do when only non-Christians come to our way? Keep rejecting them? keep praying for them?
While our fertility times pass by…? It’s fun to be single… but not fun to stay single the whole life. A non Christian man asked me out for a night. I thought… if I say “yes” how would I make him understand that sex will not be part of the “night”?
I met a man online…”never liked this idea” but the reality is that you have to either go out there in person or let yourself know… because …will God bring you the man while you are locked in your room? Whatever the situation is, God will find his way for that man to find you… but not by doing nothing.
Continuing with the man I met online… first I thought, is anybody to talk and that’s it? Then, I started feeling some kind of attraction and saw the ministry and calling the man may have… then…LEFT!!! However, he seemed and sounded honest in everything he said… even when he confessed he was going back to the street. Unfortunately, a “friend” betrayed him. Things was going not too well… and the street was what he knew to do “good”.
My point is… meet a Christian man… either he feels can’t continue on God’s way… or he is not Christian at all. Or are those liberal “Christians” that I called NOT Christian because he is doing the same thing or worse than non believers do? WANT sex, try, and know the girl to see if that’s the one God has for them. ARE WE LIVING IN A TWISTED WORLD??!! How can we single women who really love God and want to do things right… can get it right and find that man? Well…the Bible says that man has to find the wife… what is it that we are not doing that we need to do? What’s wrong with me? Come on…this is a real issue here… men, like nothing… doing their own thing.
(UGANDA) I agree with Doctor Don. Points to note;
1) It is God who began marriage and not man.
2) God is all knowing and He is the only one who knows the right marriage partner for each of us.
3) Jesus when asked about divorce told the people of the time to refer to the first marriage of Adam and Eve. This marriage was initiated by God and not man. God made Adam sleep and He alone created a partner SUITABLE for him. Divorce came because of our disobedience, because we did not want to submit to God’s will and guidance. A marriage in God’s will is enjoyable for the rest of a person’s life (even when the two people involved are not perfect) and it cannot end in divorce.
4) Marriage has never originated from human wisdom, that is why marriage should totally be based on God’s principals and not man’s. Man’s principles my look good, but remember that there is a way that seems right to a man but it leads to death. It seemed so right to prophet Samuel that Eliab was the qualified king of Israel, but God rejected him, because God does not chose according to outward appearance (man’s way).
5) Even before you make a step to propose to the one who seems to you to be the right one, you must have prayed for God’s will and confirmation, and even when you propose, prayerfully and sincerely surrender to God’s will as you wait for the answer.
6) When you are looking for a marriage partner, God must be involved in everything and He should be the one to lead and not you.
7) You talked of statistics about single born again Christian. Where in the Bible is it written that singleness is a sin, where in the Bible is it written that everyone should get married? you cannot make judgement on this because everyone has his or her own time God chose for them to get married. And if they are single, let us pray for the will of God to be done in their lives because God knows better.
8) Try to find out how many Christian marriages are breaking apart, you will be appalled by the statistics. This is because these Christians never sought God’s will. They were in the lead but not God, and they chose their own way.
9) Yes the Bible says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor with God, but the Bible also says that ” riches and wealth are inherited from parents but a wife of noble character is from God”. You see, all good things are from God and it is God who should take the lead if we are to find them, for every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord, but you should remember that what may seem good to man may not be what seems good to God. So we should align our thinking with God’s Spirit, Will and Word. For there is a way that seems right to man but it leads to death.
10) YES, THE WILL OF GOD HAS TO BE DONE IN MARRIAGE, AND IF WE ARE NOT IN GOD’S WILL IN MARRIAGE, WE SHALL SURELY FEEL THE PINCH AND STNGI OF IT.
11) Ishmael was not in God’s will. That is why when God was telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. He told him, and I quote,”Take your only son”. Now, Ishmael was also Abraham’s son, but God did not count him because he was not in His will. When Abraham asked God to bless him through Ishmael, God refused and He said that “my blessing will be reckoned through Isaac whom you will get through Sarah.” So God’s will is the only way for God’s blessings in marriage.
(USA) John, for some reason, reading your comments, I felt a serenity in you. I like your words, they way you are saying it, and I think is true. However, there’s something that troubles me. What happens when a person prays, prays and prays….and nothing happens…only have to keep letting go “opportunities” because looking at what the Bible says…..those “opportunities” are not the will of God.
(UK) After reading all of the comments written about this article, your comments made the most sense. So I would like your insight on this particular scenario. Say for instance that two people come together; they meet and upon meeting they conclude that they are to be together. They unite in marriage, then one mate begins to doubt if the decison for marriage was God’s choice (perfect will of God) for their life and now feels that they have been disobedient to God and is now seeking resolution because they now feel self-convicted and the marriage is now struggling only by the means of their self conviction.
This same mate now says that they did not COMPLETELY hear from God on this situation and feels that a divorce will remove them our of permissive will and eventually they will obtain the perfect will of God for their life. However, the other mate says they did COMPLETELY seek Christ before making the decision to marry this individual and God gave them the okay and confirmed that they are in the perfect will of God for their life, thru prayer and fasting.
The mate who is now feeling self-convicted is now looking into leaving the marriage. However the other mate does not believe in such a thing because Christ does not honor the practice of divorce, especially knowing that they went to God before making this covenant with their mate.
(USA) God’s will be done. Amen.
(USA) Amen. Well said and biblically supported.
(USA) I agree with you, God knows all the desires of our heart. People are sometimes ashamed or afraid to confront the other person about things that person has a right to know. God knows all things, the mistakes we made in life. God knows whether or not they will be made again, he knows the righteous and the not so righteous.
He changed my heart; I used to think that if I ever found a bride that I didn’t want a family I wouldn’t want to share my wife’s love with anyone. God broke me of that idea. He said I called you Joseph because it means the one who will add to our people. I was born Catholic; now I go strictly by the Bible. God has to make the choice for you, even the timing has to be his timing, if something is coming to you from God nothing on Earth can stop it. These times are stressful for people who are not focused on God. As long as I get to be in the Kingdom of God I’m happy; nothing else matters to me now.
(USA) Whether one views singleness as a “gift of the spirit” or as a “Choice” for the edification of the church is somewhat irrelevant. Both ways, it comes from God and is to serve the church. The gift of singleness is for the edification of the body (which can express itself in many ways, from the dramatic-outward missions work to the dramatic-inward boost to maturity and service that comes from more time to focus on the Lord vs. matters of the home). (Though both my sister and I are unmarried, she has this gift and I do not. It is amazing the difference she has in her natural mindset and temperment towards men and marraige! It is a completely different thought process/worldview than the typical person, and is a rare gift, so I can see why those who do not have it and have never witnessed it dismiss it as make-believe.)
Matt 9:12 (which considers life-chastity a choice for the kingdom), 1 Cor 7:1-9 (which considers life-chastity a gift of God). He doesn’t mean the gift to ‘contain himself sexually’, which he is telling everyone to do anyway, and which all christians should do inside and outside of marraige. That isn’t a gift, it’s avoiding lust. In verse 9 as well, it doesn’t say ‘better to marry than to ‘burn with lpassion’, but rather ‘better to marry than to burn (be made uneasy/be vexed’). If one wishes to marry, one should do so; but there is no provision for lust.
Rather, Paul is saying that in view of ‘the present distress’ (heavy persecution of the church, coming tribulation), he wishes all men could be as he is (unmarried); but contrariwise, they all have their own gifts from God (such as marriage) and should act on them. It is worth examining one’s life to see your own spiritual gifts; however those with the gift of singleness usually know it. The gift of chastity stands out for having no *desire* to marry or for children, that is lifelong and not do to anger or other issues. If one is simply single and focusing on God [which is very good] -that’s not the same thing as the lifelong gift of chastity. And while you are concerned about the NT, it was quite common in the OT to leave decisions of marraige to family, or even the priests. God said to David “I” gave you your wives”. Many kings had wives chosen by the High priests. Abraham had his servant find a wife for his son. Arranged marraiges are certainly not wrong, and there is much to learn from that system.
Since love is about commitment (not hormones or a ‘feeling’), and the two working together as helpmetes to follow Christ, then Ruth’s “wither thou goest, I will go” is an exemplary example of the attitude a modern women should have. We shouldn’t be out there “spouse hunting”. That attitude distracts us from actually preparing ourselves for marriage (financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc). When we are following God, we will find that God provides someone to walk along side us. We can be proactive and aware (as Ruth was), without “field hopping”, so to speak. Notice that Boaz told her to glean only in his field; yet he was not first in line for her hand in marraige. What if Ruth had decided that her marraige chances were better served by hanging around the kinsmen-redeemer, ignored Boaz’s offer, and went and gleaned in her closer kinsmen’s field instead?
It also is the man who persues, not the woman. This does not mean a woman cannot reciprocate or work on herself to prepare for marriage; but to often the women take on the ‘hunter’ role and the men fall back and passively wait for a girl that strikes their interest. (Or, because they are in ‘wife hunt’ mode, they pursue too quickly, with too many questions unanswered, and go for a girl they like and get along with well rather than one with compatible values who is willing to work on tough spots).
The period every woman/man goes through of singleness is a gift from God, and should be enjoyed and taken advantage of. Being single is not second class, nor is it reason to rush into marriage. There is a huge difference between ‘your ideal’ and ‘God’s ideal’. Often our ideal is someone we talk easily with, who makes our horomones flutter, who is someone we admire or others look up to. Attracted by our ‘dream standards’, we often ignore the Godly men and women around us who might actually share the same goals. Too often, because too people ‘get along well’ (and because the first year of dating is the worst for analyzing compatibility; your endorphins are higher, you are falsly on your best behavior, etc) they think that means “We can make a relationship work”.
Then, the first real stressor hits. Hopefully it’s before the wedding (like wedding planning), but for many people, the first-year honeymoon period high carries them through until they are wed, and it’s too late. Suddenly he realizes she acts like her complete opposite when stressed! She realized he’s unwilling to work things through when stressed, unlike the ‘mock’ conflicts they had where he talked things through easily; he’s an avoider! Their relationship gets a bit rocky and they panick, rushing in to counseling or to rant to their families about how their spouse is nothing like they expected. They either spend the rest of their lives trying to change each other (or ‘pray that God changes them’), bury their problems and resent each other, or (hopefully) learn commitment and that love is a continual choice independent of the actions of the other.
Lastly, marraige has little to do with the number of potential candidates in your environment. Unless you are literally a hermit on a mountain with *no access to society*, and if you are active in attending church, in Bible study, and in service, you will make plenty of friends. (Also, don’t neglect same gendered and different age friends as well, these are highly valuable to spiritual growth).
Trust God. He knows the number of hairs on your head and the day you will die. Trying to matchmake yourself for Him by Bible study hopping or church hopping until you find a ‘singles group’ with enough cute guys is not the way to get a husband. You will actually find, on average, more mature men in married/single mixed classes who are better prepared to start a family. This is A) because they have the mentorship of married folk around -so they have been thinking and preparing for it, and B) because men and women who gravitate towards ‘singles’ groups are more liklely than those in a mixed class to be there to ‘shop’ rather than focus on God and C) the class itself is more likely to go into deep and comprehensive studies, leading to further growth in Christ, vs. singles groups that often focus on lots of social activities and lighter studies.
(USA) Man. Thank you, Jennifer. You’re definitely right. There are some things about this that are certainly off the mark. For instance… I recall that marriage started out as being "arranged" by the parents. It was the parents’ decision, oftentimes based primarily on politics, not on … "compatibility."
In dating and marriage, each "X" does not have its own "Y." If that were the case, then we would all be doomed, because somebody’s "Y" is with the wrong "X" and the right "X" would be left to choose a wrong "Y" for himself.
The author was right in saying that one should be content in what God gives them, but that’s about the only positive remark I have on this book.
(UNITED STATES) Hello everybody, I have been visiting this site for a couple of months now and I find it very uplifting and inspirational. I applaud every last visitor of this site who is dedicated to Christ and your relationships. I was preparing myself for marriage and I found a lot of helpful information on here before I was hit with the worst news of my life!!
I have been in a relationship for 6 years now, I have been engaged for 2 months and I have a 4 year old daughter. I acknowledge Christ and I know that I have not lived my life according to his will but everyday I am making efforts to strengthen my relationship with Christ.
My world began to tumble down about 2 months ago. I learned that my ex fiancé was cheating. I immediately forgave him and then began reading together and studying God’s word and we even attended 2 sessions of pre-martial counseling. We focused on each other and what has gone wrong between us. I was devastated but I put my faith in God in I really believed that this was my future husband and we could get pass this. On my weak days, I continued to pray and I asked God to give me a clear sign whether my ex fiancé was the man God made for me; in about 1 week God give me my sign.
I continued to question my ex fiancé’s actions and I learned that he had not ended this relationship with the other young lady and he also had been dating another young woman for two years and she just had a 2 month old baby. He also had a few female friends that he talked to on the phone occasionally.
I was crushed….I haven’t even gotten over the first ordeal and then I was hit with this. He denies being the father of this child and a paternity test will take place soon, but as much as I am hurting I still feel like he needs me and my strength to get through this. He doesn’t deserve me and God has really strengthened me throughout this process. But I still have a lot of love for this man and I was really looking forward to day when we would become a family. I am seeking advice because my mind is fed up and tells me NO!! but my heart just wants to be there for him and tries to save us. What good is it to pray for something from God and then when he shows you something you ignore it?
I’m so confused…. my ex fiancé seems like he is really focusing on God to bring him through this situation. He has apologized to me and expressed deep remorse and sorrow. I’m just lost right now and I don’t know what to do please give me some advice and please keep me in your prayers.
(USA) God would not ask you to marry a man who does not demonstrate integrity. In the scriptures, it says that this man is supposed to love you as he loves his own flesh and is to feed and care for you so that he can present you holy and blameless before God. He also says that the relationship between man and wife should mirror that of Christ and the church.
This one question will give you a clear answer, “is this something God would tolerate Christ doing to His church?” If Christ had deceived us, betrayed us and promised us his death on the cross for our salvation and then turned away, would this be permissible? As the leader in the marriage, your fiancé would be held accountable to the highest standard possible: that of the relationship between Christ and the church. This is a big responsibility and one he is not ready to handle. If he cannot deal with the sin in his own life, he is not ready to be responsible for you.
I can hear the pain in your words and the depth of your love for him. However, I think God may have made it clear that this man is not ready for the profound changes he needs to make in order to be worthy of you. Please keep praying.
(MALAWI) If you are not married yet, let go before it is too late. I was married for 15 years. The signs that I was in a wrong relationship were there, but I went ahead. Right now I am struggling alone with 3 children just because I thought things were going to get better, but things got worse as the years went by. A person who regards you would never want to hurt you over and over again – for what? When God gives you a thing, it’s always genuine and its permanent.
May God minister to you so that you are able to see in what situation you are in. Ask God to give you courage to move on. You don’t know what God has in store for you…..I urge you to move on; don’t look back. I feel it in my spirit, once again move on! God bless you.
(INDIA) Martha, I liked your post. Like you, my only sister has been married for over 15 years. Both were in the Lord’s ministry when they did, no children though. Over the years lot of tension arose due to my brother in law’s excessive fondness for & closeness to his spiritual daughters /sisters in Christ, who he says are an integral part of his Christian ministry and he needs to be mentoring/discipling them.
As a result, scandals arose in their ministry concerning him and some of these young ladies. He ignores them and has accused my sister of fanning the flames of gossip because she is a doubting wife! He does not display any physical affection for my sister though he has never said he wants to leave the marriage. They have never stopped communicating as good friends. It looks like the romantic part of their marriage is almost over.
This has been going on for over 8 years now and my sister has left to work as a teacher overseas. The distance put between them has caused him to become even more dependant on these sundry women, one in particular more than others, who even lives over at his flat.
My sister believes she is a good Christian wife and she has to bear all this until death do them part. What would you advise her?
(GHANA) You must be fortunate to have heard and seen these "red flags". I think that God loves you so much to have allowed you see things as these before you make the final decision to marry him. I share with you your situation, more especially where you have a child with him "the one you thought was an ideal for you". But I think that you have these options to make:
1. To say I don’t mind if he decides to marry me and still go ahead hurting my feelings and emotions but to what extent and will you be able to stand? What about if you get a heart attack? What about if he gets AIDS through this his illicit affair, casual, unprotected sex lifestyle (say so because he wouldn’t have had two children with two mothers) perhaps you will also die.
I am a christian and whatever type of sex, whether or not protected, once it is done before marriage, it is sin and beyond that, sex is a covenant expressed between two people. For all you may care to know, he has already entered into what I called a multiple covenant. Now compare what the Bible says about marriage covenant. It is between more than two persons?
You might have been spiritually giant to break all these covenants in order to enjoy that marriage.
2. To say that yes, I did recognize that I have fallen, yet I will not lie down because I have fallen. I will wake up because God is a forgiving God and He will forgive me. Please, the next person you will meet, if that’s the right God’s chosen one for you, will accept you and you child. I suppose that’s your worry that you can’t stop with this person.
My prayer for you is that God will give you the strength to hear His voice and His warnings so as to avoid yourself in agony in near future.
(KENYA) Thanks very much for your discussion. It is wonderful.
(ZIMBABWE) Hie. I’ve been so blessed by these articles and l would like to say that God has to be involved in all you do before you even undertake it. Psalm 127:1 says that” Except the Lord build the house,they labor in vain that build it…” You see, it’s the same with marriage, if God is not in it then it is in vain, it will fail. Kenneth Hagin once in his book Plans, Purposes and Pursuits that “whatever you are doing for God, ask yourself, Is this God’s plan?” You should get God involved in whatever you are doing because for you to succeed in that marriage God has to be a part of it.
It is true that some people choose someone with the physical senses and then expect God to bless it. God will bless it because he loves if you are his child but he can only bless it so far. That means you are now walking in his permissive will and not his good and acceptable will for your life. So when you encounter problems in that marriage you cry and say God, why me? you forget that you are the one who put yourself in that mess in the first place. God wants us to be happy but for us to be happy we have to learn to obey Him so that we can walk in the fullness of His blessings.
The secret to a successful marriage therefore, is walking in line with God’s word, praying and listening to the Holy Spirit and what He tells you to do and then doing it. If God tells you not to marry someone or not to marry at all, it’s because He knows the bigger picture than you would ever know and he knows whats best for you. I think people should learn to be always in prayer and learn to yield to the Spirit if God because He alone has the answers and not lean on our own understanding. God foreknew and has predestined our lives to walk in the ways of His Son but for us to do that we have to allow Him to lead us.
God won’t force us, that’s why we were made with the power of choice. So we have to choose to walk in line with his destiny for our lives whether be it relationships or marriage or even ministry… So get down on your knees and find out for yourself, what his plans are because He will put His approval and blessings on His plans.
(BAHAMAS) I agree totally with Precious. How could a person know what is right of their own? God’s Holy Spirit must give us the gift to discern what God’s will is based on his word and what is not God’s will. I allowed God to lead me in finding a mate and today I have no regrets. God is supposed to be Governor or Lord, a governor or lord plans, organizes and controls. He does it though, through us lining up our will with his will. To think otherwise is to be carnally minded.
(SWAZILAND) I’m a young Swazi man, aged 28. I thank God who just woke me up to read such inspiring an message. I’m blessed. I’m currently in the process of finding who I am to marry. It’s more important to find God’s idea than mine. I pray I will choose right, after I have found such truth.
(BAHAMAS) Good for you Bongiseni. The one way to know God’s will is to read his word. The way to know who we should marry – Test the spirits and see if they are of God. If you date a person long enough, (wisdom) signs will point to danger, or signs will let you know that you are on the right road. Obedience to God’s word causes God to protect us (Ps. 91) and if we are obedient to His word and living holy, even when we are not sure about things, He through His Holy Spirit, will reveal His Perfect Will which is the only will we should be pursuing. God will never allow an obedient child of His to be deceived. He loves us too much. He has the sovereign power to remove stumbling blocks out of our way: stumbling blocks here can refer to the wrong people that the devil makes us believe are the right people. (Deception is the way the devil works.) Have a blessed day in the Lord Jesus Christ!
(UGANDA) I am on the verge of wanting to choose a partner for life. I am 26 years of age, a graduate, a born again Christian and working with Campus Crusade for Christ International in Uganda. I humbly need your guidance/advice. God bless.
(UGANDA) Marriage was authored by God not man. God knows your marriage partner and He created him/her for you. The bible says that God made Adam sleep and made a partner suitable for him. It is God who makes suitable partners for us, and if we feel we have reached marriage age, we should go to God seriously in prayer and ask Him to lead us to that person that He created for us.
One of the devil’s plans to lead us to partners who are not in God’s will is through the anxiety of wanting to get married. We should pray that God by His grace will lead us to that person.
If someone comes your way and proposes to you, before you make a response, ask God to prove to you whether it is His will or not, wait for His answer, it may come direct to you or it may come through the brethren, but wait for God’s answer it will surely come. But if you go on without God’s answer, you are in it alone.
If you are a man and you feel you love this lady before you propose to her, take time and pray seriously that God will confirm to you that she is the one, if the answer does not come directly ( although I believe it will come), propose and pray for the will of God to be done, if you pray this prayer sincerely, desiring only God’s will, the outcome will be of God.
In conclusion, we should not use human understanding or outward appearance when seeking a marriage partner. Prophet Samuel almost annointed Eliab instead of David because he looked at the outward appearance, and, because marriage was authored by God, God should be totally involved when we are chosing a marriage partner, and He should be the one in the lead.
Be patient and prayerfully, trust God, he will bring the right person and you will never regret the rest of your life.
(BOTSWANA) Wow! What a Mighty God we serve! I can’t believe I found this truth filled, God breathed article about marriage and love for a God fearing Christian. Indeed we serve a Great and Mighty God.
May He bless you and increase your knowledge and wisdom as you continue to touch and change lives across the world. Peace and love.
(AUSTRALIA) You have an amazing gift to have spoken the right words here. I think, as humans, we forget how beautiful our Saviour is to us. We should be in total trust in God for he is the one who has written our lives.
Faith and Prayer in God is what we should rely on in this world and as you said in your last line ‘…trust God… and you will never regret the rest of your life’. Just think of the wonderful place God has set in Heaven and that finding a life partner on earth is just a small part of our lives with Christ!
(NIGERIA) I’m a 25 yr old lady. I have being living with a family friend for about 6 yrs. She has a younger brother of about the same age as me. I have graduated but he is still in the university. The young man said he is interested in me & wants to marry me. I told the sister about the brother’s intension towards me & she said God revealed it to her in her dreams. So because of that I accepted to date the man.
Two months into the courtship I saw a number he saved with MY LOVE in his phone & some text messages he sent to the lady promising to marry her & they have dated for 5yrs. I told the sister what I saw & decided to put an end to the relationship. After about 4 months the sister told me that she told a pastor about the suitors I was having at that time & the pastor confirmed that the brother was my God given husband, & that pastor told her that if I don’t marry her brother, the brother will not be useful & might not want to get married again.
Later the same pastor she claimed saw the vision for her asked me to pray & fast concerning my life. I did as he said. On the day I ended the fasting he told me I will soon get married but he doesn’t know whom I will marry. In fact, the same pastor told me he can’t tell me God said this is whom I will marry because when he got married he didn’t tell the wife God said you are my wife. He futher advised me to accept & love the man that will come to marry me. Another pastor I don’t know came to me and said God told him to tell me that I should not allow anyone to decieve me.
This issue was going on when another man came my way & we started courting. I love this new man in spite of his short-comings. Because I’m living with the other man’s sister, every day she troubles me, nags, abuses me that I’m disobeying God & her by not accepting the brother’s proposal. Last weekend she asked me to leave her home because my fiance called me on phone.
Please, is it really God’s wish for me to marry the brother? And if it is God’s wish, will it be this controversial? I have being praying… but I’m confused… I need help.
(CANADA) My dear Friend, I strongly believe that God is not an author of confusion and whatever they are prophesing to you concerning the brother doesn’t sound good to me and it does not sound like they are hearing from God.
I give you an example of my current case now. One of the ‘Men of God” or Pastors so to say, said to me that I would have 6 men come for my hand in marriage and I must not say no to the first person who would come. Now the first person who is showing signs of interest in me is an Indian American who is a Hindu by religion and uncircumcised (I know because Hindus don’t believe in circumcision).
I love this gentleman very much and he fits into my imagination of what I want for a husband. He is indeed absolutely handsome and shows real interest in me.
When I was praying concerning this man, the spirit just said to me “Would you be associated with an Uncircumcized fellow? It quoted the word of David to me- “Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the army of God”.
Now my dear friend tell me- Whose voice should I believe – the pastor? or the Spirit that is ministering directly to me?
Unfortunately, I have cried about it but my conclusion is this: I cannot afford to lose my relationship with God now even though I am over thirty and over-riped for marriage. I have no choice but to wait till the end. It hurts so much but God means much more to me than marriage. When I think back from where he has brought me, I can’t afford to ignore Him.
It’s up to you dear friend, to discern the voice of God from the voice of Man and make your choice.
(UNITED STATES) You are in a very confusing situation. :( This is what I would recommend: To clear up the confusion, put everything on hold.
Seek the Lord alone. Make Him your Husband in your Heart. Pray, Fast, and sit still before Him. Wait on Him, and listen. Praise and Worship, Read the scripture, etc.
Try to spend at least a whole week focusing solely on your relationship with the Lord. When we renew our love to the Lord Jesus, everything becomes clearer. Because then we are motivated by our love for Him, and our trust in Him, and what He is directly telling us. When Jesus is our greatest desire, and we commune with Him, we have an easier time understanding His desires.
Beyond that I will say this: Based on what you said, the brother may be God’s will, but not right now. Based on what you said, He needs to refocus as well. If a man can’t be a spiritual leader, he isn’t ready for marriage. That’s where I stand concerning all relationships.
There is also the fact, that it is possible that the second man is the right one, and the first was only the sister’s hopeful wish. Or that the second man was sent as a distraction from seeking the Lord first and foremost.
If a man is a true man of God (one able to lead and love throughout a life-time), He will have characteristics of Christ. DON’T THINK. Read Proverbs 3:5,6 Get to know Jesus in a deeper way, and you will learn, by watching the characteristics of the men (and the fruit in their lives; read Galatians 5:22-23) whether or not either of them are currently marriage material.
That will help lessen the confusion, but further more, it is very important that you make your personal relationship with the Lord priority, or else you will have great difficulty discerning what He alone is telling you. And He is the only one who knows what is right.
It is possible that neither of them are the right one. Let your heart be open to whatever the Lord tells you.
(UNITED STATES) The article is right. There is a difference between the Perfect Will of God and the Permissible Will of God. I know from experience, what that difference feels like concerning relationships headed toward marriage.
I know that if I married the person I wanted to marry, God would let me, but I would never have experienced the joy, peace, and satisfaction I have in the relationship with the person He CHOSE for me to marry.
And neither of us liked the idea when the Lord first told us, but we wanted His PERFECT will. He had previously allowed both of our hearts to be broken by seperating relationship that were headed toward marriage, but not His perfect will. Because we wanted HIM more than we wanted Them, He was able to work a miracle in our lives. And now we are deeply in love, and are an example of a God-Given God-Driven Relationship.
And the biggest issue I see is this: People come to us for advice concerning these things, and the Lord gives us words for people concerning these things, and their emotions and desires for the moment are so strong, that they almost don’t hear us, or get offended when we don’t say, “Hey, perfect match, get married and live happily ever after!” But rather say, “Wait on the Lord, and TRUST HIM that He has a perfect and beautiful plan for your life that you don’t want to miss!”
Often, people either marry the wrong person, or they marry the right person at the wrong time. I am so glad I prayed and asked the Lord to intervene in my life in this area. He is so smarter than I am. :)
(UNITED STATES) Great comments! I too am considering marriage. In accordance with our church rules, a couple must go through marriage counseling first (which I totally agree with). I am currently dating a wonderful young lady, which I have been communicating with steadily for over a year now. However we have known each other through church three years prior. Before, dating her steady, I found myself talking with her more than other women, we have a tremendous time together. With the exception of an occassional kiss or hug we have not been romantically assoicate.
However, each time I get serious about going further towards marriage, I seem to have a heavy heart. I have decided to seek pastoral counseling. However, I feel like I should know myself whether to continue or not. In the mean time, I have decided we should step back from one another until I have an answer.
If you are a born again believer, I solicit your prayer. Namely, that I be lead by God’s Spirit, in doing what is right and pleasing to Him.
(NIGERIA) This article has ministered live into my life… God’s will is all we need to have a godly and a blissful marriage.
(U.S) I’m in a relationship right now with a wonderful man of God. I was not looking and neither was he. A mutual friend kept trying to get us to agree to meet. We did and long story short hit it off. We had both been praying for years to meet the right person someone who met our needs, was God fearing, shared our same desires in life. We got engaged. Now it seems we’re arguing all the time. A little background, we’re both in the military, both have lots on our plate with our careers, not to mention family obligations. Now I’m starting to wonder if I’m making a mistake. I’ve been praying on our situation and so has he. It just feels like we can’t find any common ground.