Have you ever considered the thought that the health of your marriage is a treasure? It is not only a valuable asset in your personal lives, but it is also valuable to your family, work and society, as a whole.
What prompted these thoughts was an article we read in a past Good News Tucson article written by business consultant, Mike Hoppe. What really captured our attention was his emphasis on character. This is who we are in relationship to how we treat our spouse. It also relates to the “success” we achieve in other aspects of business and life, in general.
Mike’s article was directed primarily at leaders’ marriages in the business environment. But even so, you’ll be able to draw valuable insights for your marriage. As we read Mike’s statements, let’s put them in the context of both the work and marriage environment:
Marriage: Our Most Valuable Asset
“Would you be shocked if I told you that most leaders are running at 40% of their capacity? That most leaders are experiencing only a fraction of the success that they should be for the amount of effort they are exerting? Most leaders are seriously handicapped and they don’t even know it.
“How can I make these bold statements with such certainty? Simply because the vast majority of leaders’ marriages are in serious trouble. Statistically, leaders are on the wrong side of the equation when it comes to healthy marital relationships. Most leaders’ concept of marital success is to maintain a neutral position where the spouse is reasonably appeased. They just do their jobs and not be further burdened.
“This might define marital success as living with the absence of pain. It’s something far less attractive than what we originally signed up for! On the downside, we have all witnessed the impact of the marriage of a leader/boss going bad. And we see the debilitating effect it can have on not just the individual, but all those who depend on them (in the business environment).
A Marriage Going Well
“The thing that we rarely see is a leader whose marriage is really going well. (How many marriages can you identify that you would be happy to emulate?) The positive impact of a great marriage is rarely seen or experienced! Our culture is visually oriented. And for many of us, without tangible proof, there is no acknowledgment of the concept. In other words, if I have never seen it or experienced it, it doesn’t exist! What impact would a great marriage have on a leader?
“Allow me to approach this from a different direction. Although many of us will attempt to put on different ‘faces’ for different situations (work, home socially, etc.) the reality is we only have one personality and character. For human beings our character is most accurately revealed in the environments we are most familiar with and the people we are closest to.
“For most of us, this means that how we act at home with our spouses is the most accurate and revealing glimpse of who we really are. Before we go on lets pause for a moment just to think about that last statement because whether we like it or not, it’s true!
“The implications of this insight are significant.
Let me give you a few examples:
• If your spouse does not trust you, you are not trustworthy.
• If you’re an ineffective leader in your home, you’re an ineffective leader in all aspects of your life.
• And if you manipulate your spouse to maintain appearances or to get your way, you manage your employees the same way. And they will follow you in a similar fashion, tentatively at best.
“If even half of this is true, you could clearly make a case that the spouses of leaders of any organization might be the company’s most valuable asset.”
The Bible tells us:
“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4)
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” (Proverbs 14:1)
“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:10-12)
All of the above scriptures are equally true if you exchange the word “wife” into “husband” and “she” into “he.” A wise and noble wife AND husband are of great worth.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, however, is the “foolish” and the “disgraceful.” This spouse brings great harm to those who are married to them.
We’re told in the Bible, “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” (Proverbs 24:3-4)
We’re also told, “The LORD tears down the proud man’s house…” (Proverbs 15:25)
In the Valuable Asset of Our Marriages:
“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” (Proverbs 11:2)
“Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” (Proverbs 13:10)
“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” (Proverbs 11:2)
“Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul. If you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.” (Proverbs 24:14)
“To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness. But to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God.” (Ecclesiastes 2:26)
Here’s the Bottom Line:
Helping your spouse to become the best he or she can be, and putting intentionality into building your marriage to help it become the best it can be, shows wisdom applied to the nth degree. It can be can make your marriage the most valuable asset possible. It becomes that within your personal lives together, your family life, the business world, and in society, as a whole.
Above all, consider the challenge given to us, “How we act at home with our spouses is the most accurate and revealing glimpse of who we really are.”
In closing, the question is, “Just who are you?” Do you show yourself to be a wise and noble treasure to your marriage partner, or a toxic fool?
Cindy and Steve Wright
Filed under: Marriage Messages
(NAMIBIA) Hi, I am Namibian and Herero by tribe. I don’t even know whether you might be able to help me with the question that I have. When I look at the vow that we keep on saying at the time we tie the knot, we keep on saying only death do us part. But in the meantime, one turns to see that vow is being broken for one reason or the other. Now my comment is as follows: I think it is better that we teach or help people to know that there is fine line between Christianity and marriage. The same way we view Christianity will affect the way we will take our marriage vows as Christians. Please also can you send me articles on marriage especially in Christian context. Yours in Christ, Wilson
Hi Wilson, You are so very right that we need to teach more couples who marry, what a Christian marriage involves. Our vows are not to be fancy words said on our wedding day to each other and then forgotten. They are promises we make to each other and to God that we will live out in covenant with God for the rest of our lives together. We are to live in such a way that we “reveal the heart of Christ” within our marriages. That is a big part of what we are trying to do through the ministry of Marriage Missions.
Marriage Message #344 explains part of “What makes a Godly Marriage”. You may want to read it. We have other articles as well, when you look through our web site. We hope you will help us to participate with God in spreading this message to those who will listen.
If you would like to have a pro-active Marriage Message sent to you each week, you can subscribe (at no cost) by going to the upper right corner of our Home Page. You will find a “Subscribe” button there that you can click into; and then fill out the information. We will then add you to our mailing list. We pray it is a blessing!
(NIGERIA) Hello. Is there, by any chance, a way I could get to read the whole of Mike Hoppe’s article?
(USA) Dear Onyinye, I wish I could say that you could, however, he wrote it a number of years ago and it’s no longer available online or otherwise. We didn’t keep the original newspaper it was in, so we simply don’t have it. All we have is what we used in this particular message. Sorry.
(USA) Let me share a personal observation I made in a private meeting with my managers years ago:
In the car business, managers are notorious at posting sales numbers on a white board in the conference room or in the sales manager’s office. One day the top managers called me into a private meeting to ask me why my numbers and other sales consultants’ numbers were ranked much higher than our colleagues who were taking up the rear. The top three were me, another Christian guy and an old Jewish man who, normally, should have retired long ago.
The ignorant managers were stumped as to how to motivate the ‘troops’ and get them to emulate their top three producers. What was the common denominator they asked? What was the secret to my success and the lack of production from the bottom 2/3 of the sales force? Christ played a part in my success and that of my Christian friend. But the old man who should have retired years ago wasn’t a Christian. I paused for a moment and I wrote the following beside each name: J. +35, J. +37, Old Jewish guy +60. Then I wrote the following beside the others: J. +2, B. -2, K. -14, S. -10, A. -1, P. +3, E. +15.
I then wrote the following underneath the two sets of names +102 vs -7 years. The managers were still confused. I explained that is how they have been married (+ sign) or how long since their FIRST divorce (- sign) [note: I sit in the ‘bullpen’ next these men everyday. I live with them. I have meaningful conversation and listened to them. So, I knew these facts the managers were not privy to]. Underneath that data I wrote: child support, unresolved spouse conflict, anger, resentment, current marriage at risk, alimony, divorce. They finally got the picture. Just like contented cows produce the best milk …a home with controversy spills into the work life.
The managers were stumped. I said you cannot motivate a man who is distracted by his past life.
(USA) Marriage is work and didn’t realize that after getting involved in World Wide Marriage Encounter, some of the stuff you mention we go over in the weekends, but certainly match what I just read from Quarterback Drew Brees which he has a great witness on his marriage by saying he is committed to his relationship, more on http://www.justmyconcerns.com/index.php/blog/. Sometimes just need to grind it out and trust in God.