We’re told in the Bible to be equally yoked to one another. So when you are a follower of Christ, and you consider marrying someone who is not, you set up a difficult situation. You subject yourself to “the ox and mule syndrome.” Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt explain:
To seriously date or to consider marrying a non-Christian is outside the will of God. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, Paul says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers, for what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?“
The verb “bound together” literally means “unequally yoked.” Paul is recalling the Old Testament command in Deuteronomy 22:10. “You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.“
Yoking With a Non-Believer
God forbade yoking together beasts of such diverse sizes and strengths. That is because of the excessive chafing of the yoke would injure both animals. In the same way, Paul says that a binding relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian will be mutually injurous because they are so essentially different.
Of course, some marriages eventually become centered around God when the non-believing spouse later comes to Christ. However, for every instance where an unequally yoked marriage recovers in this way, there are a dozen tragedies. When a true Christian marries a non-Christian, there is almost certainly great suffering ahead. Christians who violate God’s will in this way have based their marriage relationships around something or someone other than Christ. They have compromised their relationship with God.
We can be thankful that God will not reject us for such lapses in judgment. But He has never promised to preserve us from pain when we defy His will. Besides the pain we will likely bear from such a decision, compromising our faith suggests that Jesus Christ is not the most important Person in our life. This will hardly increase respect for our faith.
We Are Responsible for Our Choices
More importantly, there is no reason to believe that a non-Christian (or a “Christian” who is uninterested in the things of God) will change after marriage. The record shows that this rarely happens. The Bible pointedly reminds us that God gives us no such assurance. Paul asks of mixed partners in 1 Corinthians 7:16, ” …How do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?“ Remember, we are free to choose whom we marry. But we are also responsible for the possible lifelong consequences.
How easily we can say, “I’m ready to accept that responsibility.” That is, until we experience the painful results of ignoring God’s will! Often an unequally yoked person returns to follow God closely years later. They can then face stiff opposition from a non-Christian spouse. Even worse, unequally yoked believers may permanently compromise their commitment to Christ in order to keep peace in the home. Children also invariably suffer in such marriages.
Biblical Teaching
Consider the clear biblical teaching against marrying non-Christians. Christians need to be honest with themselves when they consider entering, or continuing, a romantic relationship of this sort. Embarking on such a relationship, they are really denying that God knows best how to bring fulfillment into their lives. They deny that he is committed to their good. (See Matthew 7:11 and Deuteronomy 10:13.) Such a denial constitutes a betrayal of what we say we believe about God: that he is our wise and loving heavenly Father who always seeks our good.
Before going ahead, ask yourself: What evidence can you find that God has ever been wrong or unloving in His dealings with you? When have you ever regretted, in any lasting way, following God’s will? Why would this issue be any different?
No matter how “right” a relationship feels, God’s will concerning seriously dating or marrying a non-Christian will not change. If you find yourself drawn toward such a situation, resolve now to obey God despite the cost. Any delay only makes the decision harder. Even though you may feel terrible pain for a while, you will look back later and realize this decision was one of the best you ever made.
Regrets
We have never met a Christian who wishes he or she had gone ahead into marriage with their non-Christian dating partner. But we have met scores of miserable Christians who would do anything if they could go back and change their decision to marry a non-Christian or a disinterested Christian. Seek out an older Christian for advice and support as you trust God. You’ll be thankful sooner than you think!
This article comes from the book, “The Myth of Romance” written by Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, published by Bethany House Publishers. Unfortunately, this book is no longer in print so you may have a difficult time locating it. What is especially unfortunate about this is that they have even more information in this book that could help those who are contemplating marriages as well as those who are married. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.
— ALSO —
To learn more on this subject, please click onto the following web site links to read:
• When Thinking About Marrying a Non-believer
• What Should I Do Now That I’m Engaged to an Unbeliever?
• Marrying a Non-Believer Won’t Work
Filed under: Single Yet Preparing
(UNITED STATES) I married my husband thinking that he was saved and interested in doing the things of God. We went to church together before we got married and he read his Bible often. We stopped doing many of the sinful things we use to do. I continue to grow and he did not. He’s been to church with me finally once after 3 years of marriage and has not been again in months. I am absolutely miserable. I thought that we were going to grow in God together. I love him, but if there was a way out of this marriage I might be willing to take it.
We have a daughter together, who I prayed for, without thinking about how she might be affected by our horrible marriage. I thought I could guide her on my own, with prayer and guidance from God. I don’t know anymore. My husband curses and drinks still and he hangs around unsaved people the majority of the time. I am so very unhappy. I cry several times a month I’m sure. He has those people come over our house with their drinking and cursing. I feel like I’m judging people, but I am just so uncomfortable. I am miserable.
I’ve looked up apartments on the internet. I have thoughts of him cheating on me when he’s not here, even though he’s usually at the neighbors drinking. But how do I know what’s going on over there? I’m not there and I don’t want to be. I have nothing in common with them. I’m so tired of crying and being miserable. I don’t want my little girl to be in a broken home. I don’t want to be miserable either. I guess if I had to choose, which I guess I do. I have to be miserable, but still she will see her daddy doing sinful things. Either way this all is heartbreaking. He’s home now, but I’m still miserable.
(CANADA) Men sometimes are less willing to heed to God. Women are very sensitive to the spirit. There was something that shifted to make him go from reading the word to not. Please continue to pray for our prodical sons and husbands because they must in fact return unto God and the latter glory will therefore be greater than the former.
God has already promised to anoint you with the oil of gladness and to give you joy for mourning. Let God take it and stand still and see His salvation in your life. Walk in victory! This battle is already won!
(USA) Twenty one yrs ago I married a man who said he was a believer. We went to church together for a while, until he started finding fault with the things they were saying. I had been in love with my best friend since I was eleven. He was, and still is a wonderful Christian man. He loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. He married the most beautiful Christian woman, and they have a beautiful marriage. I knew she was meant for him, but it still broke my heart.
I didn’t get married until I was 31, never able to find anyone who could be like the man I was in love with. I met my husband through a co-worker, and in three weeks he asked me to marry him. I had a feeling when I met him, that he would be the one I would marry. We have 4 children. I have been a Christian since I was 8 yrs old. My husband said he was a believer, and I just thought he was still a babe in Christ. I made myself believe that I could make him a mature Christian, just through my conversation. I didn’t know he had borderline personality disorder. He was good at deceiving, because that’s what they do.
Our life together has been pretty horrible. The fighting and blaming, and all the things that come with a bad marriage. I know now that God has never blessed this marriage, but I will see it through to the end. He has Hep. C, and may not live much longer. He is a Christian now, but for 7 yrs, has never really matured as a Christian should. That’s between him and God.
Now my daughter is at a crossroads, and that is why I found this site. She has dated a very good Christian guy, who is our youth leader, since she was 16. He hasn’t really wanted to get married yet, because of his work with the youth. He wanted his whole heart to be involved in winning youth to Christ. So my daughter got tired of waiting, and began to get interested in another young man, who isn’t a Christian. She told me his mother is a witch.
The youth minister, now knows that he loves her, and wants to commit to her, but she can’t get this other guy out of her head. I am fasting and praying today, and trying to find info on other’s like her, to give her an answer. She trusts in my advice, so please come together and pray for my family, and this situation, so she will make the right decision. I don’t want her to live a life like I had.
(S. KOREA) Hi, The above article is good on that, but also read the experience of a woman here who married a non-Christian (and there are 1000s like her). 1 of my friends recently got divorced from her non-Christian husband. It was really painful for her to be married to him. Almost every day she was crying (and she married a former student of mine who seemed to be a very nice guy). Another 2 women I know have married non-Christian men who were nice in the marriage, but they couldn’t share their deepest spiritual feelings with them and were often extremely disappointed about that.
This website has an experience of a woman who married a guy who was not a Christian that is good for your daughter to read: http://net-burst.net/ruth/mismatched.htm Also see the chart here on what’s typical for those who marry non-Christians.: http://www.bible.ca/marriage/marriage-myths-mate-selection-before-you-marry-non-christian.htm
This can cause not only unhappy marriages, but a loss of eternal life in some cases. Here’s a very good article on this topic as well from one of my favorite Christian authors:
“Marriage of Christians With Unbelievers.–There is in the Christian world an astonishing, alarming indifference to the teaching of God’s word in regard to the marriage of Christians with unbelievers. Many who profess to love and fear God choose to follow the bent of their own minds rather than take counsel of Infinite Wisdom. In a matter which vitally concerns the happiness and well-being of both parties for this world and the next, reason, judgment, and the fear of God are set aside; and blind impulse, stubborn determination are allowed to control.
“Men and women who are otherwise sensible and conscientious close their ears to counsel; they are deaf to the appeals and entreaties of friends and kindred and of the servants of God. The expression of a caution or warning is regarded as impertinent meddling, and the friend who is faithful enough to utter a remonstrance is treated as an enemy. All this is as Satan would have it. He weaves his spell about the soul, and it becomes bewitched, infatuated. Reason lets fall the reins of self-control upon the neck of lust; unsanctified passion bears sway, until, too late, the victim awakens to a life of misery and bondage. This is not a picture drawn by the imagination, but a recital of facts. God’s sanction is not given to unions which He has expressly forbidden.
“God’s Commands Are Plain.–The Lord commanded ancient Israel not to intermarry with the idolatrous nations around them: ‘Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son.’ The reason is given. Infinite Wisdom, foreseeing the result of such unions, declares: ‘For they will turn away thy son from following Me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly.’ ‘For thou art an holy people unto the Lord thy God: the Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto Himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth.’ . . .
“In the New Testament are similar prohibitions concerning the marriage of Christians with the ungodly. The Apostle Paul, in his first letter to the Corinthians, declares: ‘The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.’ Again, in his second epistle, he writes: ‘Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? For ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, and will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be My sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.’
“The curse of God rests upon many of the ill-timed, inappropriate connections that are formed in this age of the world. If the Bible left these questions in a vague, uncertain light, then the course that many youth of today are pursuing in their attachments for one another would be more excusable. But the requirements of the Bible are not halfway injunctions; they demand perfect purity of thought, of word, and of deed. We are grateful to God that His word is a light to the feet, and that none need mistake the path of duty. The young should make it a business to consult its pages and heed its counsels, for sad mistakes are always made in departing from its precepts.
“God Forbids Believers Marrying Unbelievers.– Never should God’s people venture upon forbidden ground. Marriage between believers and unbelievers is forbidden by God. But too often the unconverted heart follows its own desires, and marriages unsanctioned by God are formed. Because of this many men and women are without hope and without God in the world. Their noble aspirations are dead; by a chain of circumstances they are held in Satan’s net. Those who are ruled by passion and impulse will have a bitter harvest to reap in this life, and their course may result in the loss of their souls.
“Those who profess the truth trample on the will of God in marrying unbelievers; they lose His favor and make bitter work for repentance. The unbelieving may possess an excellent moral character, but the fact that he or she has not answered to the claims of God and has neglected so great salvation is sufficient reason why such a union should not be consummated. The character of the unbelieving may be similar to that of the young man to whom Jesus addressed the words, “One thing thou lackest”; that was the one thing needful.
“Solomon’s Example.–There are men of poverty and obscurity whose lives God would accept and make full of usefulness on earth and of glory in heaven, but Satan is working persistently to defeat His purposes and drag them down to perdition by marriage with those whose character is such that they throw themselves directly across the road to life. Very few come out from this entanglement triumphant.
“Satan well knew the results that would attend obedience; and during the earlier years of Solomon’s reign– years glorious because of the wisdom, the beneficence and the uprightness of the king–he sought to bring in influences that would insidiously undermine Solomon’s loyalty to principle and cause him to separate from God. And that the enemy was successful in this effort, we know from the record: “Solomon made affinity with Pharaoh king of Egypt, and took Pharaoh’s daughter, and brought her into the city of David.”
“In forming an alliance with a heathen nation, and sealing the compact by marriage with an idolatrous princess, Solomon rashly disregarded the wise provisions that God had made for maintaining the purity of His people. The hope that this Egyptian wife might be converted was but a feeble excuse for the sin. In violation of a direct command to remain separate from other nations, the king united his strength with the arm of flesh.
“For a time God in His compassionate mercy overruled this terrible mistake. Solomon’s wife was converted; and the king, by a wise course, might have done much to check the evil forces that his imprudence had set in operation. But Solomon began to lose sight of the Source of his power and glory. Inclination gained the ascendancy over reason. As his self-confidence increased, he sought to carry out the Lord’s purpose in his own way. . . .
“Many professed Christians think, like Solomon, that they may unite with the ungodly because their influence over those who are in the wrong will be beneficial; but too often they themselves, entrapped and overcome, yield their sacred faith, sacrifice principle, and separate themselves from God. One false step leads to another, till at last they place themselves where they cannot hope to break the chains that bind them.
“The Plea–‘He Is Favorable to Religion.’–The plea is sometimes made that the unbeliever is favorable to religion and is all that could be desired in a companion except in one thing–he is not a Christian. Although the better judgment of the believer may suggest the impropriety of a union for life with an unbeliever, yet, in nine cases out of ten, inclination triumphs. Spiritual declension commences the moment the vow is made at the altar; religious fervor is dampened, and one stronghold after another is broken down, until both stand side by side under the black banner of Satan. Even in the festivities of the wedding the spirit of the world triumphs against conscience, faith, and truth. In the new home the hour of prayer is not respected. The bride and bridegroom have chosen each other and dismissed Jesus.
“The Change Is Wrought in the Believing One.– At first the unbelieving one may make no show of opposition in the new relation; but when the subject of Bible truth is presented for attention and consideration, the feeling at once arises: ‘You married me, knowing that I was what I am; I do not wish to be disturbed. From henceforth let it be understood that conversation upon your peculiar views is to be interdicted.’ If the believer should manifest any special earnestness in regard to his faith, it might seem like unkindness toward the one who has no interest in the Christian experience.
“The believing one reasons that in his new relation he must concede somewhat to the companion of his choice. Social, worldly amusements are patronized. At first there is great reluctance of feeling in doing this, but the interest in the truth becomes less and less, and faith is exchanged for doubt and unbelief. No one would have suspected that the once firm, conscientious believer and devoted follower of Christ could ever become the doubting, vacillating person that he now is. Oh, the change wrought by that unwise marriage!
“It is a dangerous thing to form a worldly alliance. Satan well knows that the hour that witnesses the marriage of many young men and women closes the history of their religious experience and usefulness. They are lost to Christ. They may for a time make an effort to live a Christian life, but all their strivings are made against a steady influence in the opposite direction. Once it was a privilege and joy to them to speak of their faith and hope; but they become unwilling to mention the subject, knowing that the one with whom they have linked their destiny takes no interest in it. As the result, faith in the precious truth dies out of the heart, and Satan insidiously weaves about them a web of skepticism.
“Risking the Enjoyments of Heaven.–‘Can two walk together, except they be agreed?’ ‘If two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of My Father which is in heaven.’ But how strange the sight! While one of those so closely united is engaged in devotion, the other is indifferent and careless; while one is seeking the way to everlasting life, the other is in the broad road to death.
“Hundreds have sacrificed Christ and heaven in consequence of marrying unconverted persons. Can it be that the love and fellowship of Christ are of so little value to them that they prefer the companionship of poor mortals? Is heaven so little esteemed that they are willing to risk its enjoyments for one who has no love for the precious Saviour?
“To connect with an unbeliever is to place yourself on Satan’s ground. You grieve the Spirit of God and forfeit His protection. Can you afford to have such terrible odds against you in fighting the battle for everlasting life?
“Ask yourself: ‘Will not an unbelieving husband lead my thoughts away from Jesus? He is a lover of pleasure more than a lover of God; will he not lead me to enjoy the things that he enjoys?’ The path to eternal life is steep and rugged. Take no additional weights to retard your progress.
“A Home Where Shadows Are Never Lifted.–The heart yearns for human love, but this love is not strong enough, or pure enough, or precious enough to supply the place of the love of Jesus. Only in her Saviour can the wife find wisdom, strength, and grace to meet the cares, responsibilities, and sorrows of life. She should make Him her strength and her guide. Let woman give herself to Christ before giving herself to any earthly friend, and enter into no relation which shall conflict with this. Those who would find true happiness must have the blessing of Heaven upon all that they possess and all that they do. It is disobedience to God that fills so many hearts and homes with misery. My sister, unless you would have a home where the shadows are never lifted, do not unite yourself with one who is an enemy of God.
“The Christian’s Reasoning.–What ought every Christian to do when brought into the trying position which tests the soundness of religious principle? With a firmness worthy of imitation he should say frankly: ‘I am a conscientious Christian. I believe the seventh day of the week to be the Sabbath of the Bible. Our faith and principles are such that they lead in opposite directions. We cannot be happy together, for if I follow on to gain a more perfect knowledge of the will of God, I shall become more and more unlike the world and assimilated to the likeness of Christ. If you continue to see no loveliness in Christ, no attractions in the truth, you will love the world, which I cannot love, while I shall love the things of God, which you cannot love. Spiritual things are spiritually discerned. Without spiritual discernment you will be unable to see the claims of God upon me, or to realize my obligations to the Master whom I serve; therefore you will feel that I neglect you for religious duties. You will not be happy; you will be jealous on account of the affections which I give to God, and I shall be alone in my religious belief. When your views shall change, when your heart shall respond to the claims of God, and you shall learn to love my Saviour, then our relationship may be renewed.’
“The believer thus makes a sacrifice for Christ which his conscience approves, and which shows that he values eternal life too highly to run the risk of losing it. He feels that it would be better to remain unmarried than to link his interest for life with one who chooses the world rather than Jesus, and who would lead away from the cross of Christ.
“A Safe Marriage Alliance.–It is only in Christ that a marriage alliance can be safely formed. Human love should draw its closest bonds from divine love. Only where Christ reigns can there be deep, true, unselfish affection.
“When One Partner Is Converted After Marriage.– He who has entered the marriage relation while unconverted is by his conversion placed under stronger obligation to be faithful to his companion, however widely they may differ in regard to religious faith; yet the claims of God should be placed above every earthly relationship, even though trials and persecution may be the result. With the spirit of love and meekness, this fidelity may have an influence to win the unbelieving one.”
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God bless and give your daughter wisdom as she makes this choice… Bryan
(USA) It’s very difficult to marry and realized you married outside the will of God. I married a young man whose mother was a witch basically because I also got tired of waiting for the one I was in love with. I remember my wedding day and my father asking me, “do you really want to do this?”
To be honest I didn’t. I knew it was wrong but I could not walk away, I had made him an idol in my life. By the time we married he was a Christian, but unknown to me he continued living a double life and his mother of course would pratice witchcraft to supposably “bless us”, which was a curse.
10 years later, with two kids and a broken home, but I can say that God has been my strongtower. It hurts for my kids; and I have grown through this process, but I would hate to see someone else go through what we have. He left everthing and now is living a life of sin and mommy dear is his support.
(USA) Satan blinds the minds of unbelievers, and sounds like to be your husband is not believing if his thinking is in the reverse of a believers. I have noticed someone who “just wants to do their own thing” who has addictions, their thinking is not the same, nor is how a believer thinks, when a believer is concentrated on wanting God and doing his word in their lives not wanting what’s of the sinful world on their lives. He is compromising of and with and giving into doing what the devil wants him to do.
If he doesn’t know the devil’s tactics, the devil wants to destroy his life, his eternity, and your family thru your husbands sinful actions. Your husband must learn how the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy and ruin his life and relationships also that are to have God within them. Study the scriptures on spiritual warfare, on how the devil tries to destroy, tempt, trick and decieve thru someone’s mind vs how God, when he’s being obeyed is to reconcile people to God within their relationships.
It will always be the devil who tries to come lure and tempt someone away from obeying God because if he can affect and start getting someone into bondage to him thru their fleshly, sinful desires and just making them crave doing what’s sinful, and aren’t wanting to be resisting thru them to be giving in and just keeps that person desiring what cannot replacing god with the wrong thing, vs God, that person is going to remain giving into doing what even keeps keeping him decieved thru him, when he’s to not to be giving into the enemy being his own, but is to be denying giving into the enemy, to not becoming his own enemy and is to be following God’s Spirit and doing his word instead thru him and doing his thy will and teaching his even. Hope all this helps.
(USA) I too am married to a non-believer. Not only is he a non-believer in Christ, he is another religion altogether. Not to get too specific, but one of the Eastern religions. I regret EVERY day getting myself into this situation. I knew it was wrong and through a series of bad decisions, did it anyway. Long story short, I got married because I got pregnant. We got married in court, not even in a house of God. I hope God will forgive me for doing such things that I knew full well were wrong before I did them. I know I have to face the consequences of my choices, for the rest of my life. I wish I could have faith that He has forgiven me.
If anyone reading this could clear up some confusion, I do have one question. I’ve read what God says about what to do in a situation of having ignored His commands and already married a non-believer (stay with them unless THEY want to leave, as long as they are not committing infidelity because they may eventually come to Christ) but does this apply as well to spouses who do believe in something else– false gods? Is a "believer in nothing" the same as a "believer in something else"?
Every day, I want to leave this marriage- but I know if I did, my husband would be devastated (and probably try to get back at me any way he could- he has said he’ll try to take our child if I ever leave him. He’s also said he’d rather kill himself than get divorced.). Plus, he’d never have any chance at all to know Christ if I was no longer in his life, not that he’s showing any interest anyway.
I am so afraid that he will win over our child into his "faith" though. And, selfishly, I am miserable in the marriage. I am not in love with him, and see no point to try to fall in love with him, because I know we will not be together in eternity. I already cannot bear the thought of him in Hell, it would be all the harder if I let myself love him more deeply. I don’t even know if I have salvation any more, I’ve never felt more far from God. I cannot even trust my husband with our child because I would rather die than have my child learn to follow a false religion.
Bottom line, if you’re considering marrying a non-Christian (especially someone of another faith), DON’T DO IT! With the sole exception of my child, who is the love of my life, I cannot think of one positive thing to have come out of my getting involved in this relationship. I hope that at least I can convince someone out there who is about to step into a mess like I’ve made for myself, to stop and re-think what you’re about to do!
(USA) THE DAMAGE IS DONE, HOWEVER GOD IS THE GOD OF FORGIVENESS. PRAY WITHOUT CEASING AND BE PREPARED FOR A MIRACLE.
(CYPRUS) I think that in your case, you should really consider the option of a divorce. For many it is a tabboo subject, but Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:5 is quite clear. It is obvious from what you have written that you came into this situation through a string of mistakes and sins. You also have your child’s salvation to think about. Some marriages are really not meant to be so why keep it up? Start anew.
(AUSTRALIA) The verse you quoted has nothing to do with divorce. The parent is obviously miserable but still loves her husband. Do not try to poison her marriage.
(IRELAND) JULY 11TH 2008 10.50.PM I married over 17 years ago … a man I thought was ‘good’, intelligent and someone with whom I had SO much in common. It didn’t seem to matter THEN that he didn’t have an interest in the things of God that I had. We had so much else in common.. politics, the desire for a family etc.
In my heart of hearts I knew I was betraying my very first love…the LORD Jesus.. HE WAS NOT FIRST IN THE RELATIONSHIP… FAR FROM IT. As the years passed I was busy with having children, keeping a home… it was when my thoughts returned to My Lord, my desire that my children know HIM, that the trouble and the ridicule began. Everything was fine as long as I was a back-slidden Christian. But when tragedy struck… my Christian mother went to be with the Lord and I turned back to Him in my sorrow and remorse… it was then that I TRULY saw him for the first time. I realized how angry and far from God he really was.
Since that time I seem to be living a shadow, half-life. I speak with him about mundane things but my true self is far away. I cannot leave.. it doesn’t seem right either.. yet my life is a lie. I yearn to serve the Lord and have my children know him but he ridicules my beliefs. I continue to pray and trust the Lord but I would caution any Christian to heed the warning in GOD’S word and ‘be not unequally yoked with unbelievers’.
(CANADA) I came across this article by accident. I am not married to an unbeliever but am in an on again off again relationship with one, and the only reason I keep letting him back in my life is because we have a child together. The funny thing is I came across this website, doing some research for a birthday present for him. We are currently not together but the ache of wanting him is so strong. I can relate somewhat to the posts here, especially the first one. My ex is a heavy drinker and it’s one of the things that I dislike about him and don’t want around our daughter.
Though I struggle with letting go and taking him back, I think God has really had his hand on me. My ex asked me to move in with him after our daughter was born and I just couldn’t do it. That has been the best decision of my life. Even today I have wondered whether or not I should give him another chance, but I believe God let me find this to remind me that I can trust Him in what He has in store for me — that I can let go completely and I will be ok.
I do hope that the ladies who have written here already will get a chance to read this. One thing I want to share with you is that God is SO Faithful. Even when we fall, screw up, or take a step back. He is right beside us, He NEVER leaves us. So no matter how low we feel today, how miserable, how alone, we can lean on Him. Romans 8:28 states that God works everything out for our good, and even the most difficult of situations are a drop in the bucket to Him. If you remember one thing from reading this I hope it is this: Don’t look at how big your problem is, but rather look at how BIG OUR GOD IS!!!! He’s BIG. He created us inside and out, he can handle us, our spouses, our children… because He is the one that gave all of us life and fashioned us the way we are.
We are ALL FORGIVEN… God bless!
(INDIA) Thank you Amie. God is faithful, even when we’re not.
(USA) Yes indeed… God is faithful.
(CZECH REPUBLIC) Beautifully said and very encouraging. God bless you, sister.
(UNITED STATES) I read the above stories and have heard many more of the same kind throughout my years. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when Yahweh says something, it is truly for our own good and we should heed and obey His words. We mustn’t listen to others or even our own hearts which can be blinded at times, but instead turn to him who created us. Surely he knows us better than we know ourselves!
I have been going through some major crossroads, I am a homeschooling mom who has three children and know the difficulties being "unequally yoked" brings. I also know that despite what comes on a day to day basis I must continue to:
1.) be faithful to my FIRST love by living out my faith and obeying his words and, 2.) also be faithful next to my spouse by treating him with respect, love, and kindness to the best of my ability which will come from spending time first with the Lord! This way I keep a humble and repentant heart and can honestly say that I’ve done everything I could and obeyed HIS word, so whatever happens it will be not on me.
I want to be free from guilt, bitterness, and pride, etc. If my spouse feels they need to leave then let it be because I did not treat him awfully but did quite the contrary! I was so good to him and treated him like a king but just refused to dishonor or worship THE KING! Compromise was no longer – is- no longer an option I want to play out, lest I stand in judgment before my Lord and Savior.
You’re right, it’s not easy, and the Father knows this. If living out your faith was going to be an "easy" thing, then you would have been with the majority of disciples who left Him because it got too tough! This is all part of the testing of your faith. And if you want to make it to the end and hear God say "well done good and faithful servant…" then you must endure. There is no other way around it. Just endure no matter where you are or what you do, just hang in there, get some good support and cling heavily to the One who really loves you and understands you best!
Like I said earlier you don’t know how it will turn out. Use your experiences to help and warn others and hopefully they will listen but if they don’t then they too must reap what they willingly sow.
Also, the one thing that helps keep me focused and may hopefully help anyone else is that you have to realize and ask yourself that no matter how much you compromise (which you shouldn’t do with matters of faith), or how much you pray (which is a good thing), it doesn’t mean your spouse WILL come to the Lord. Ultimately that decision is reserved in life by your spouse – husband or wife- and God. You see HE "knows his sheep and they hear his voice" so who but God knows who belongs in his fold and doesn’t. You cannot push and force the issue.
You CAN live out your faith by deeds, and that means sometimes creating strife and division, not because you’re doing it intentionally but because one is serving light and the other is unknowingly serving darkness. Remember also that vows are important to keep whether to the Lord or to your spouse and children. We must be a people of our word and whatever else happens, it happens.
Stay focused and keep your head held high (not in prideful arrogance) by knowing who you are in Christ and continue to do your best to live peaceably with all men. Who knows, what could happen, or whether the Lord will deliver you or not? For now (whether we like it or not), we must lay in the bed we made until God says otherwise. Keep praying and keep the faith! God loves you!!! And so do I my sister/brother.
(UK) So needed to read this. Here with a very heavy heart. Still, so grateful to Jesus for giving me a second chance. I want to shout out from the roof top to any believer that is even considering marrying outside of the faith. I feel like Esau, having sold his birthright for something so petty as lentil stew, he then sought it with tears. But alas, that blessing has gone to Jacob, who though he wasn’t the firstborn, sought it with all his might. Thank God it isn’t my salvation I have lost!
But the pain of not knowing, experiencing marriage as God intended for me for the remainder of my life is more than I can bear sometimes. How could I have walked away from that blessing? Still, we worship a God who workouts everything for good for them that love him. I throw myself at his mercy knowing that he is able to shape me to be more like him even after a disastrous decision such as the one I have made. God Bless you all.
(USA) I knew in my heart that my husband was not a Christian when we got married. I knew better and I went ahead and married him anyway. My family is full of pastors, missionaries, and evangelists and I believed that I was still doing the right thing.
It is 6 years later and this week he told me he could not be a Christian, he could not be the man that I needed and that he has been living a lie all of these years. I was afraid of breaking his heart when we were dating, now I wish I had taken the right step and done the right thing. I feel like a little of me is dying inside. It is unreal the events of this week.
I think he has already decided to leave me. I have no idea what will happen. I don’t feel close enough to anyone to confide about this so a group of strangers on a website is the best I have. I am thankful that we do not have any children, but I still LOVE HIM and I don’t want to lose him.
(US) Dear Leslee, Unless we have a relationship with GOD it does not matter how that family would be, which has pastors etc. We each as individuals need to have a relationship with jesus. Please be of good cheer and know JESUS LOVES YOU and knows your situation. It’s hard to confide in people when they move around speaking about the problems you have, but trust in him. This is a testing moment. Do not let the enemy have a hand on this. God bless, NP
(USA) Are these stories real? They seem to all be the same to be real.
(UK) They are real! Take heed! This is what happens to everyone when they willingly disobey God. Same sin …same outcome.
(USA) I, too am married to an unbeliever. There are days when I know that my family is made clean by the believer. I wish I had listened to my friends because my life is so hard some days. I know that my covenant is with God. I pray that my husband will be saved and I believe God for it, but now I know how awful it is to live with someone who denies him and has even said he doesn’t want to know God.
I cling to his word and what it says. I know that for my disobedience I suffer everyday. It does break my heart to have a selfish spouse and he says and does hurtful things to me and the children verbally and by his behavior. I tell them to forgive him for his words and his actions and don’t be like him. Speak life into him, speak the word into him. Ask God to give you what you need to keep serving him no matter what.
Because of my pain of the past 9 years and 3 children, I will keep trusting God to get me through it even though I don’t deserve it. I love God more because he has never left me. I also know that I have to keep in God’s presence all the more. I caution anyone listening NOT TO MARRY AN UNBELIEVER. You will suffer so many trials and may even lose sight that joy comes from the Lord, not people or things.
I still thank God that he loves me and I have beautiful children that love God. Be blessed, keep the faith, and most of all keep enduring no matter the cost. God will see you through all of it. I pray for all people in my situation because now I know how incredibly hard it is.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m glad I came across this page and all the comments are helpful. I too am yoked to an unbeliever – we have been together for 3 years now, and it has resulted in a beautiful daughter (turning 2 now), as well as me backsliding to the point where it seems I’m the only one who knows that I love my God.
See, 5 years ago I was basking in the bosom of my church, showered with blessings, had a good, Godly man given unto me and we were preparing for marriage when it came out that he had been having a 5-month-long relationship with another church member. I was devastated, but sought help from my pastors and we seemed to be sorting things out, when banns of marriage were announced in church and he was to marry the other lady. That really shook my faith – in my church, my pastors, and yes, in God.
I survived the ensuing months through sheer stubbornness, but had to concede defeat when I was gently, but surely ostracized in my own church, then I drifted away, occasionally making it to my church, visiting other churches, but it was just never the same.
When I met my current boyfriend he was able to make me smile again. He’s affectionate, funny, considerate, and loving, but he also drinks. Then becomes loud and jolly (really!) and swears a lot. It’s been insidious but I have now slipped into his way of life and I’m in a bad place coz I have received acceptance from the "other side" when I was shunned by "the good side".
I realise that all I should have held on to was "God’s side" from the beginning and I wouldn’t be in this quandary I’m in right now: I love my boyfriend and he loves me, shows it, doesn’t mistreat me, loves his daughter to bits. But I am now starting to find my way back to Christ and I know it will be difficult to have my cake and eat it: I shouldn’t have yoked myself… and now there’s no turning back.
(INDONESIA) I entered into an unequally yoked marriage just a few weeks ago and I already regret my decision. What makes it worse is that I think I know who my real soulmate is but now I can’t do anything about it. I feel very evil for having hurt my God, and for having abandoned His will. We actually broke up a few months before the wedding, because he could not accept my dedication to the Lord. I should have let him go instead of begging him to give us another chance. I asked him back for all the wrong reasons… in hindsight, they were all trivial and practical matters that were not important at all.
I hope whoever reads this will not do the same mistakes. You may hurt like crazy when you have to leave an unequal partner… but I believe it would have been worth it because God has someone and something far better than what you think is best for you.
(U.S.A) I am married to a unbeliever, but thinking I was marrying a believer. I also let my father down by not taking heed to his voice. I have confessed my wrong before him, he has forgiven me. Then I asked him, where do I go from here? He lead me to his word of unequal yoking and does not expect a believer to remain in this kind of marriage, because we can never be fully received by him being with darkness.
He looks at this totally different from being in a marriage with two people and later one of them become a believer, he can work in that but unequal it’s been trouble, misery, sadness, anger, division, separation, verbally abuse, negativity of words to tear me down. My pastor tells me my father will release me from this but have to remain unmarried, because not only am I accepting an unbeliever in my life but satan also. And with satan having access to this kind of marriage it gives him room to attack.
COME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(USA) Dear miserable, lighten up and embrace the fact that Jesus was around "unbelievers" all the time. Question? Does your husband love you? Does he treat you well in spite of his "backsliding"? Does he love his daughter? We are never promised that the ones we love will stay the same forever. Life happens and change happens. What matters is how you respond to the change.
(AUSTRALIA) I personally feel, what “Us” Christians, who have married non- believers, are forgetting, is that our Lord and Savior can and will reignite our hearts with love. You don’t have to live a miserable life.
I am married to a non believer; he respects my faith. We have a 16 yr old son who loves Jesus and is studying Christian Ministry and a 12 yr old who loves the Lord with all his heart and soul. My husband has never discouraged our faith and the boys have always made it clear they pray for him. Live life surrounded by God’s Love.
My husband is a non-Christian as far as they go, and I repented for my sin of marrying a Non Believer… But I don’t regret it.
I’m married to a man who cherishes me, who doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble and has never been abusive. He’s a good man and I know Christs asks us to live and Love as he does.
I pray that through mine and the children’s love, Christ will work in my husband’s heart. I simply refuse to accept Satan as any part of our marriage, for Christ Jesus reigns higher in this household. So don’t lose hope, pray and love as Christ loves us, UNCONDITIONALLY! Jesus, Lord- the Truth, the Way, The Light! God Bless you all.
(USA) DO NOT MARRY AN UNBELIEVER… I did knowingly and now my life is completely miserable. I constantly feel guilty and wonder if I am now going to Hell. It creates tons of problems and nothing gets better. If you are looking into this, then it is already a problem and should be considered a red flag not to marry your nonbeliever partner. I am truly miserable.
(USA) I’ve been dating a non believer for 4 years. He’s an amazing person, we connect on so many levels. The huge issue is that we don’t connect spiritually. The first two years of our relationship was beautiful, people thought we were made for each other. I realize now that it wasn’t real "beauty"; it was just me not growing in Christ. I didn’t talk about God so there wasn’t any problems.
I finally reconnected with Christ and felt really guilty about being unequally yoked. So I discussed this with him, and it was very difficult. We talked it out and decided to wait and see what would happened. He said he might change… That never happened, and now it’s two years later.
We were getting really serious to the point where we talked marriage. Every time we discussed this it was always an issue because I stated that I wanted to raise my children in a Christian home. I stated that I wanted a Christian husband so we can grow together in our faith. After all the months of on and off again arguing about the same issue we finally broke up this past weekend.
This was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I feel in my heart that it was the right one. I do still love him very much and I want to be with him, but I decided that my love for Jesus is greater. I don’t know what our future holds, but I know that I will need to lean on the Lord everyday. I hope that he will find God for himself one day and hopefully we can reunite.
This is a very good and encouraging article and all of the comments above have confirmed to me that I made the right decision.
I will keep all the people in my prayers who married an unbeliever. Please pray for me that I will have the strength to continue in God’s will.
(TAIWAN) I am experiencing the exact same thing now. How does it turn out for you after one year now?
(USA) I am a Christian (a pastor’s daughter). I’m in love with a man who belongs to a non-christian family. He has just received Christ a year ago. His family members oppose him a lot and stopped him from going to church. He still prays secretly.
We’ve fallen in love with each other a year ago after the relationship started with him informing me that he was in love with me. I took it lightly at that time. Gradually, we became good friends and I shared about Jesus with him. Gradually he accepted Christ as his savior.
A year passed… we informed our parents about our relationship and there has been opposition from both sides. My parets say it’s not God’s will and that this man is making this all up to get me. And his family, being a non- Christian, doesn’t want any association with Christian people.
We do love each other a lot. We have faith in God. Our parents have separated us. We’ve been separated now for 3 months. We can’t talk or interact with each other. Currently I am in a state of confusion as to what the Lord’s plan is for our lives.. Please pray… any guidance would help.
(USA) You my friend, made the RIGHT decision to break it off. This comment is many years after your post but if you see it, please let me/us know how you are.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am currently in the position that I am still thoroughly in love with a unbelieving woman even though we broke it off more than a year ago. It might just be because she was my first love, but shortly after I first admitted my feelings towards her to myself, I started feeling that this is the one woman I truly need in order to live.
With all our other problems, not the least that she is Indian, and I am white, and that neither of our families approve, left aside she is still the only one I want to wake up next too.
Now I am in the position where I constantly feel the need to just talk to her. My life does not seem worth living. If it were up to me I would have tried to find a way to marry her. Even though I feel she truly does want to know God, she is too stubborn and too angry at the world to be able to accept Him.
I have not have contact with her for a long time but still constantly pray that she will find Him. My biggest problem right now is stopping myself from contacting her and deciding to marry her anyway.
Don’t make my mistake, as soon as you find you have even the least romantic feelings towards a unbelieving person break contact with that person if you have too.
(USA) That’s great advice (that I wish I had taken many times). Thank you for the post.
(USA) If you marry or date an unbeliever you will truly feel the most misery. You will suffer in ways you did not know you could. Yes, it doesn’t matter if you love them or not… they do not belong to God and could never really love a God who they hate. If a person denies Christ He hates God, PERIOD. There are no acceptations.