We’re told in the Bible to be equally yoked to one another. So when you are a follower of Christ, and you consider marrying someone who is not, you set up a difficult situation. You subject yourself to “the ox and mule syndrome.” Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt explain:
To seriously date or to consider marrying a non-Christian is outside the will of God. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, Paul says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers, for what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?“
The verb “bound together” literally means “unequally yoked.” Paul is recalling the Old Testament command in Deuteronomy 22:10. “You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.“
Yoking With a Non-Believer
God forbade yoking together beasts of such diverse sizes and strengths. That is because of the excessive chafing of the yoke would injure both animals. In the same way, Paul says that a binding relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian will be mutually injurous because they are so essentially different.
Of course, some marriages eventually become centered around God when the non-believing spouse later comes to Christ. However, for every instance where an unequally yoked marriage recovers in this way, there are a dozen tragedies. When a true Christian marries a non-Christian, there is almost certainly great suffering ahead. Christians who violate God’s will in this way have based their marriage relationships around something or someone other than Christ. They have compromised their relationship with God.
We can be thankful that God will not reject us for such lapses in judgment. But He has never promised to preserve us from pain when we defy His will. Besides the pain we will likely bear from such a decision, compromising our faith suggests that Jesus Christ is not the most important Person in our life. This will hardly increase respect for our faith.
We Are Responsible for Our Choices
More importantly, there is no reason to believe that a non-Christian (or a “Christian” who is uninterested in the things of God) will change after marriage. The record shows that this rarely happens. The Bible pointedly reminds us that God gives us no such assurance. Paul asks of mixed partners in 1 Corinthians 7:16, ” …How do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?“ Remember, we are free to choose whom we marry. But we are also responsible for the possible lifelong consequences.
How easily we can say, “I’m ready to accept that responsibility.” That is, until we experience the painful results of ignoring God’s will! Often an unequally yoked person returns to follow God closely years later. They can then face stiff opposition from a non-Christian spouse. Even worse, unequally yoked believers may permanently compromise their commitment to Christ in order to keep peace in the home. Children also invariably suffer in such marriages.
Biblical Teaching
Consider the clear biblical teaching against marrying non-Christians. Christians need to be honest with themselves when they consider entering, or continuing, a romantic relationship of this sort. Embarking on such a relationship, they are really denying that God knows best how to bring fulfillment into their lives. They deny that he is committed to their good. (See Matthew 7:11 and Deuteronomy 10:13.) Such a denial constitutes a betrayal of what we say we believe about God: that he is our wise and loving heavenly Father who always seeks our good.
Before going ahead, ask yourself: What evidence can you find that God has ever been wrong or unloving in His dealings with you? When have you ever regretted, in any lasting way, following God’s will? Why would this issue be any different?
No matter how “right” a relationship feels, God’s will concerning seriously dating or marrying a non-Christian will not change. If you find yourself drawn toward such a situation, resolve now to obey God despite the cost. Any delay only makes the decision harder. Even though you may feel terrible pain for a while, you will look back later and realize this decision was one of the best you ever made.
Regrets
We have never met a Christian who wishes he or she had gone ahead into marriage with their non-Christian dating partner. But we have met scores of miserable Christians who would do anything if they could go back and change their decision to marry a non-Christian or a disinterested Christian. Seek out an older Christian for advice and support as you trust God. You’ll be thankful sooner than you think!
This article comes from the book, “The Myth of Romance” written by Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, published by Bethany House Publishers. Unfortunately, this book is no longer in print so you may have a difficult time locating it. What is especially unfortunate about this is that they have even more information in this book that could help those who are contemplating marriages as well as those who are married. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.
— ALSO —
To learn more on this subject, please click onto the following web site links to read:
• When Thinking About Marrying a Non-believer
• What Should I Do Now That I’m Engaged to an Unbeliever?
• Marrying a Non-Believer Won’t Work
Filed under: Single Yet Preparing
(MOROCCO) I think you people are misguided on the meaning of 2 Corinthians 6:14-17. This is not a passage about marriage; it is about setting yourself apart from the wicked and not tolerating evil in your life. Don’t be burdened by holding on to sinfulness, as though you are yoked to it. Correct me if I am wrong but I don’t think anywhere in the Bible marriage is referred to as a yoking.
2 Corinthians 7:14 "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband, otherwise your children would be unclean" Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife" Mathew 19:6 "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." 2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, He remains faithful, He cannot deny Himself."
So lets think about this. If GOD joins you to your wife, and you are now one flesh, and he dwells in you (2 Corinthians 6:16) He will never remove your salvation nor will He yoke himself to evil. It cannot be sinful to be married to a non believer and any children you have will be holy. Did not Christ say love thy neighbor as you love yourself? Second Commandment wasn’t it? I didn’t see anything where it said love thy neighbor only if he is a believer or not. I think if we join in marriage and one is not a Christian God sees that you are willing to take a chance and I believe he will change the mind of the non believer.
Isn’t it wrong not to marry someone solely based on there religious preference? Let’s say you fall in love with someone who is not a Christian, but he is a good man, treats you right, is very tolerant and respectful of your beliefs. Is it still wrong then to marry them? I think it’s ridiculous to exclude other humans based on their religious preference.
ASK YOURSELF THIS… WHY WOULD YOU RELY ON THE CHURCH TO TEACH YOU HOW TO THINK AND UNDERSTAND THE WORD? YOU DON’T HAVE A BRAIN TO THINK FOR YOURSELF? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE MOLDED INTO WHAT "YOUR CHURCH" REPRESENTS? WHY DID THOSE CHRISTIANS MARRY A "NON-BELIEVER" HAVING HIGH HOPES THEIR SPOUSE WOULD CHANGE? WHY WOULD I WANT TO CHANGE THE RELATIONSHIP MY SPOUSE HAS WITH GOD (EVEN THOUGH IT MAY BE DIFFERENT FROM MINE)? WHO AM I TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED IS NOT REAL?
Most of people that posted their testimonials saying that they are living through hell and regret their decisions, must have their daughters and their relatives and siblings that are not real believers and maybe are agnostics & atheists so shouldn’t you consider them and love them? Isn’t God Love and Love is God? How can anyone know someone’s heart? You can know their nature from their actions and words and upbringing. Not that it is foolproof. The Holy Spirit should be in you and guide you in all truth. The devil is not going around as an unbeliever with fanged teeth and horns, no, he will be posing as a believer.
Just be sure that the person you marry has a good heart. It should not be too difficult to search this out. You may be able to make a convert of him and his family. You may be able to witness to many unbelievers. How else can God’s family grow in size? Okay, you might be able to have multiple children, but we are told to go out and make believers of nonbelievers.
And what about those married to those that claim to be believers and they go to the church and read the Bible and so on …but they treat them bad & are abusive to them & unkind to people that are not like them or look different than them? Where is the Love of the other as loving yourself? How can you make people love you and love your God if you’re acting like this and rejecting the other ..?!! Stop playing God because it’s up to God to change people like He changed you and made you born again …Respect others beliefs and pray for them if you think you have the correct faith … Love for them what you love for yourself…Treat others the way you want to be treated …Show them the teachings of your faith in your acts in your behaviour & in your real daily life instead of rejecting them and calling them names & making them feel inferior to you.
That’s my point after reading your blog & also after gathering and reading a lot of views …By the way, I am Muslim. Peace be upon you.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Saeed, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I was thinking the same thing. I mean if everyone in this world was Chrisitian or believed in Christ, where would the missionary work come in to play? Christ instructed us all to be examples and spread his word to all nations and peoples. Also, another way of thinking about mixed marriages such as these posts have implied… think of what God’s plan may be. You may be the person that he wanted this other person to meet so you could be the example and teach them in ways that would someday bring them to Christ. I like to look at things this way.
Unless the situation is abusive in anyway, why not look at the positives that could come from a relationship such as this one? Think of ways to be more loving, more ways of sharing, more ways of giving and accepting of the other person and your example of Christ’s way will make a difference… believe me.
(USA) Thank you for caring enough to check the book – and unless you have asked the Lord Jesus Christ to open your mind so that you understand His words, you cannot interpret those verses in the sense that God meant them. Go back – pray to God, ask him to and He will. In the meantime –
Ladies and Gentlemen. God may forgive us. It may or may not be legally "okay". You may live in happiness, you may not.
But above all! Marrying a person who is not of 1 – your faith, 2- your denomination (this one is not set in stone) 3 – and of the same level of commitment toward seeking God that you are – YOU ARE UNEQUALLY YOKED. Marry someone from a different region, race, ethnicity YOU WILL BE UNEQUALLY YOKED.
As male and female in the flesh – WE ARE UNEQUALLY YOKED.
So you see – if you marry a flat non-believer, you will really be unequally yoked. Marriage is hard enough to complicate it by marrying someone we are incompatible with for what ever reason. What does this mean where religion is concerned? It means that you will have nothing in common with your spouse on the most important and foundational level – your belief in Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was understood as primarily a teacher and mediator during his ministry. It is His counsel and His counsel alone that is Godly. Cohabitate with an unbeliever and you will be listening, hearing, and living with a person whose every word is UNGUIDED by God. And it is awful. And they see foolishness in the things of God. Foolishness in peace, foolishness in obedience, foolishness in study and worship.
They cannot but help to see these things because God has not opened their minds to accept His truth. And that has to come from God. You cannot make God to force salvation on your unbelieving spouse. Even if God offers it – and I believe He does offer it to unbelieving spouses – it is the spouse’s choice. You cannot change that. You cannot change your spouse’s heart. And the human heart is by nature enmity (hatred, opposition, fighting, I see a connotation of verbal hatred etc here as well – it is no fun to live like that)
And if you have a spouse that does not stand in the way of your worship – count yourself blessed. But if you do have a spouse that stands in the way of your worship – Act as God tells you. Take the example of Christ – when led like a lamb to the slaughter he "opened not His mouth". Pray, pray, pray. Live your Christian walk. Do not compromise as you did when you married. Today you are equally yoked with Christ and married to Him. He is your husband!
Scriptural backup for the above Psalm 1:1
Happy are you when you don’t listen to the ungodly, when you stand out of the way of people intent on their sins and when you don’t spend casual time with people who mock God. (My translation – btw – God led me to this this morning)
I married an man who believes in JudeoChristianity but lives his own life. When I married him he had a porn addiction, a sex addiction and was a marijuana addict. Here is how STUPID we can be – How delusional we can become when we talk ourselves into what God is okay with and what He is not – rather than simply going with what He says.
I stood in front of my pastor (who should NEVER have agreed to perform that wedding – if you have a pastor who is willing to put you in the boat of life with a person who very well may start rowing in the opposite direction with the first storm – you need to find another church) and prayed "God, I know he is an unbeliever. I know that I am becoming unequally yoked. I know Your word says not to do this. But I love him, he needs me (and whatever other senseless drivel – like he wanted a church wedding how bad can he be?) and I pledge to you God -I will live with him until death. I know the NT teaching on divorce and remarraige and I promise to live with him until death."
Brothers and Sisters please – Don’t underestimate the power of your own stupidity when you are walking by the flesh. Don’t do this thing. I cannot think of one other thing that I would say not to do above this: Don’t marry an unbeliever.
Just don’t do it.
If you are like me, and now you are stuck? Remember as long as they are pleased to dwell with you, you stay married. Sadly, for all of us the answer is TOUGH LUCK. Tough choice, tough consequences. Answer: Join with me as I stumble along with God as I allow him to show me the way out of the misery. Not necessarily the way out of the marriage – but the way out of the misery.
Google "the love dare book".
Finally – here is a passage that I return to again and again. I searched the Bible for an example of a woman married to an unbeliever (guys, your example is the book of Hosea) and I found in in the story of Abigail and Nabal.
1st Samuel Chapter 25.
In the interest of letting the Lord speak to you, I will not make comment here except to say look at the types of people: Nabal – as the unbeliever, disobedient, scornful, ungrateful (as unbelievers are) Abigail, his wife – as the pious, respectful, obedient daughter of God and David – widely taught as a type of Christ.
Read it, see where everyone’s loyalties lay and see how Abigail handled the situation. May it bless you as it did me.
I will paste it here for you:
1Sa 25:1 Then Samuel died; and the Israelites gathered together and lamented for him, and buried him at his home in Ramah. And David arose and went down to the Wilderness of Paran.
1Sa 25:2 Now there was a man in Maon whose business was in Carmel, and the man was very rich. He had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. And he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.
1Sa 25:3 The name of the man was Nabal, and the name of his wife Abigail. And she was a woman of good understanding and beautiful appearance; but the man was harsh and evil in his doings. He was of the house of Caleb.
1Sa 25:4 When David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep,
1Sa 25:5 David sent ten young men; and David said to the young men, "Go up to Carmel, go to Nabal, and greet him in my name.
1Sa 25:6 And thus you shall say to him who lives in prosperity: ‘Peace be to you, peace to your house, and peace to all that you have!
1Sa 25:7 Now I have heard that you have shearers. Your shepherds were with us, and we did not hurt them, nor was there anything missing from them all the while they were in Carmel.
1Sa 25:8 Ask your young men, and they will tell you. Therefore let my young men find favor in your eyes, for we come on a feast day. Please give whatever comes to your hand to your servants and to your son David.’ "
1Sa 25:9 So when David’s young men came, they spoke to Nabal according to all these words in the name of David, and waited.
1Sa 25:10 Then Nabal answered David’s servants, and said, "Who is David, and who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants nowadays who break away each one from his master.
1Sa 25:11 Shall I then take my bread and my water and my meat that I have killed for my shearers, and give it to men when I do not know where they are from?"
1Sa 25:12 So David’s young men turned on their heels and went back; and they came and told him all these words.
1Sa 25:13 Then David said to his men, "Every man gird on his sword." So every man girded on his sword, and David also girded on his sword. And about four hundred men went with David, and two hundred stayed with the supplies.
1Sa 25:14 Now one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal’s wife, saying, "Look, David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our master; and he reviled them.
1Sa 25:15 But the men were very good to us, and we were not hurt, nor did we miss anything as long as we accompanied them, when we were in the fields.
1Sa 25:16 They were a wall to us both by night and day, all the time we were with them keeping the sheep.
1Sa 25:17 Now therefore, know and consider what you will do, for harm is determined against our master and against all his household. For he is such a scoundrel that one cannot speak to him."
1Sa 25:18 Then Abigail made haste and took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five sheep already dressed, five seahs of roasted grain, one hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and loaded them on donkeys.
1Sa 25:19 And she said to her servants, "Go on before me; see, I am coming after you." But she did not tell her husband Nabal.
1Sa 25:20 So it was, as she rode on the donkey, that she went down under cover of the hill; and there were David and his men, coming down toward her, and she met them.
1Sa 25:21 Now David had said, "Surely in vain I have protected all that this fellow has in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that belongs to him. And he has repaid me evil for good.
1Sa 25:22 May God do so, and more also, to the enemies of David, if I leave one male of all who belong to him by morning light."
1Sa 25:23 Now when Abigail saw David, she dismounted quickly from the donkey, fell on her face before David, and bowed down to the ground.
1Sa 25:24 So she fell at his feet and said: "On me, my lord, on me let this iniquity be! And please let your maidservant speak in your ears, and hear the words of your maidservant.
1Sa 25:25 Please, let not my lord regard this scoundrel Nabal. For as his name is, so is he: Nabal is his name, and folly is with him! But I, your maidservant, did not see the young men of my lord whom you sent.
1Sa 25:26 Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD lives and as your soul lives, since the LORD has held you back from coming to bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hand, now then, let your enemies and those who seek harm for my lord be as Nabal.
1Sa 25:27 And now this present which your maidservant has brought to my lord, let it be given to the young men who follow my lord.
1Sa 25:28 Please forgive the trespass of your maidservant. For the LORD will certainly make for my lord an enduring house, because my lord fights the battles of the LORD, and evil is not found in you throughout your days.
1Sa 25:29 Yet a man has risen to pursue you and seek your life, but the life of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living with the LORD your God; and the lives of your enemies He shall sling out, as from the pocket of a sling.
1Sa 25:30 And it shall come to pass, when the LORD has done for my lord according to all the good that He has spoken concerning you, and has appointed you ruler over Israel,
1Sa 25:31 that this will be no grief to you, nor offense of heart to my lord, either that you have shed blood without cause, or that my lord has avenged himself. But when the LORD has dealt well with my lord, then remember your maidservant."
1Sa 25:32 Then David said to Abigail: "Blessed is the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me!
1Sa 25:33 And blessed is your advice and blessed are you, because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed and from avenging myself with my own hand.
1Sa 25:34 For indeed, as the LORD God of Israel lives, who has kept me back from hurting you, unless you had hurried and come to meet me, surely by morning light no males would have been left to Nabal!"
1Sa 25:35 So David received from her hand what she had brought him, and said to her, "Go up in peace to your house. See, I have heeded your voice and respected your person."
1Sa 25:36 Now Abigail went to Nabal, and there he was, holding a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. And Nabal’s heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk; therefore she told him nothing, little or much, until morning light.
1Sa 25:37 So it was, in the morning, when the wine had gone from Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became like a stone.
1Sa 25:38 Then it happened, after about ten days, that the LORD struck Nabal, and he died.
1Sa 25:39 So when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "Blessed be the LORD, who has pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and has kept His servant from evil! For the LORD has returned the wickedness of Nabal on his own head." And David sent and proposed to Abigail, to take her as his wife.
1Sa 25:40 When the servants of David had come to Abigail at Carmel, they spoke to her saying, "David sent us to you, to ask you to become his wife."
1Sa 25:41 Then she arose, bowed her face to the earth, and said, "Here is your maidservant, a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord."
1Sa 25:42 So Abigail rose in haste and rode on a donkey, attended by five of her maidens; and she followed the messengers of David, and became his wife.
1Sa 25:43 David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel, and so both of them were his wives.
1Sa 25:44 But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David’s wife, to Palti the son of Laish, who was from Gallim.
God has not left us without an example. Follow the example of Christ and follow the example of Abigail.
May God bless all of us.
(USA) I have been with a ‘Christian’ for over 2 years now. We have a daughter, and we are not married. When I first met him, I told him that the #1 most important thing to me in a relationship was being with a believer, a Christian. He said he was, and that he went to church. I accepted it… Then when it came down to it, he fought going to church, it has been an uphill battle for the past 2 years.
He never see’s things the way that I do when it comes to raising out daughter in a Christian home. He is opposite of me, and his mind is warped. YES he is a good person, he is a good father, and he is a good provider. BUT NO, not a good potential husband. He called my Bible “a bunch of papers bound together by a leather strap” (this is after 2 years of being together). He lied to me about what I held closest to my heart, Jesus!!
So now I have no other choice. He obviously refuses to believe in Jesus, and has no respect for my beliefs, so I am done. He also went as far as to say that I could be homeless living under a bridge, but I would still have my Bible with me, and I told him, ‘yes, you are right.’ He verbally persecuted me for being a Christian, and ripped me to shreds. Now he cannot understand why I am leaving him, after he tore my heart out.
You have to follow God and remain true to Him, No MATTER WHAT! It has been 2 years of hell for me, and it is going to be the hardest decision of my entire life (since it will be like a divorce with a one year old and all). But I have to stay strong and pray that God keeps me strong and sends angels into my life.
This is spiritual warfare, and I refuse to be brought down. The pain will be temporary, but there will be immense happiness in the long run. I am so thankful that we never got married. It would be much harder to leave him.
I always used to think in the past when we would fight, that if I left him then I was giving up on him and not showing him Christ. But once he ‘threw’ the Bible in my face, that was the last straw, and my final turning point. God wants your heart, not 1/2 of it. He wants all of it, and sometimes He is going to see how far you will go to give it 100% to Him.
(USA) Well at least you admit that the relationship was/is under false pretenses.However, you didn’t apply proper boudaries, fornicated and now have a child. You were not raped so you must bear your part in it. Trust Him to guide you. That’s His specialty, only “stay out of the bed” with anyone thats not your marriage partner. Trust what I say based on my mistakes, it may follow you for a long time.
(USA) This site has been very helpful. I have found more reasons to stick to my descision to wait on the Lord to give me a man after His own heart. May the Lord help all who have already made the mistakes. God bless u all.
(USA) On Monday I sent my Catholic raised “Christian,” uninterested in following Christ and the things of God boyfriend, on his way. I cried my eyes out knowing I would miss him so much but that I needed to obey God! It is now Saturday and I’m missing him dreadfully and being tempted by the enemy to allow him back in so that I won’t have to be lonely.
At first he seemed to treat me better than every boyfriend of the past (who were all devout Christians) and this helped me justify that maybe deep down inside he was a true Christian and just didn’t express it in words. The deception continued -my believing that he was on his way to devotion through my witness- and I stepped further and further from who I am in Christ. I realized that I was meeting him halfway and then continued to bury my life in Christ so as not to disturb the peace of the relationship. It was perfect if I kept my mouth shut about God!
The last straw was my desire to return to church as I always had and bravely mentioned going the Sunday morning before sending him off. He got a stern look of contempt on his face and a deep surge of anger seemed just under the surface of his being. He kept a straight face though and didn’t let it explode. How many times had I endured this before? Too many! He said, “You go. I’ll explore the city while you’re there. Well, actually, I’ll take a look at the building first just to know where YOU go to church.” I knew this was going to be my life with this man. All the sharing of the gospel and relentless patience through his attacks, questions and opposition to my faith were not helping point him to Christ! That was the last time I would be discouraged from loving my Lord.
I am 32 and it is hard to be patient. Where are the men who love you, Lord? I am blessed by these women’s testimonies because I had many dreams (nightmares really) of tearfully taking my unborn children to church without this man who wanted to marry me and have children with me. I seriously considered it. He didn’t think there was any problem. I didn’t want to raise my children to know the Lord only to have him tell them the opposite (that they came from monkeys!). I didn’t dream of being divided spiritually and having to work so hard to cover up my faith. How in the world did I get here? Slowly… One small step of disobedience at a time. Remarkable. I’m on my way back though! I have turned from my unbelieving boyfriend and I need to write him a closing letter of some sort so I don’t leave things in contempt. I will wait for a man who loves God more than me. I don’t want to be worshiped -I want to worship the Lord next to my spiritual leader. Where is he?
(USA) I am surprised to read the stories of some Christians who have children with non-christians, but would not marry them! What a joke! Are believers supposed to have sex and children with non-beleivers? If you have given your bodies to them without being married to them, what is left? It’s adultery! Does not the Bible teach you to sleep only with your husbands/wives? I see no righteousness in sleeping with non-beleivers, but not marrying them. I do not know if marrying a non-beleiver is a sin or not, but adultery is a sin.
(INDIA) I was just thinking about making a move on this woman (Non Believer) whom I have loved for many years and I prayed a lot asking for God’s will – I accidentally clicked on this site and this is the answer. Now I know that I was about to forsake my first love- Christ. Thank you Lord for your answer.
(USA) I don’t know if my husband is actually an unbeliever or a backslidden Christian, but in my daily life it does not make much difference, although I am aware as far as eternity goes it makes a tremendous difference. I met my husband in church. After we married, he went into the ministry briefly. Then, he dropped out of the ministry and out of church. Not sure if he is or isn’t a Christian, but he won’t pray or read the Bible with family. I see no evidence of him doing it privately, opposed children being baptized (our denomination practices believer’s baptism, not infant, so this was the children wanting to be baptized after a profession of faith), cusses frequently, is emotionally abusive, at times has opposed me and kids attending church.
I wish that churches would wake up. He is this way because of his choices, not because I am not “submissive enough.” If I were as submissive as some of the women with devout loving Christian husbands say I should be, the kids and I would have dropped out of church, stopped praying, and stopped Bible reading to please him. All three kids are Christian and active in church, oldest in seminary, so I must have done something right when I decided to please God rather than him.
The other thing I run into in churches, often from people I ask to pray for my husband, is “if you had followed the Holy Spirit before marriage, you wouldn’t have this problem.” I would think if a group of mature ministers who ordained him for the ministry couldn’t foresee his backsliding, it is very unrealistic and judgmental to expect a 20 something year old girl in love to see it.
But regardless of anything past or present that I may be doing wrong, there is very little help from churches for women in unequally yoked marriages. Yet most women I have met are in this position either because they were saved after marriage or because the man seemed to be a Christian until after marriage.
(USA) No help from churches? How about this …”Repent”!
((UK)) I am also married to a non-believer and my life has become a misery. I take full responsibility for my actions because I knew he was not saved and I went ahead and married him. At the time that I got married my walk with the Lord was not strong and I was battling with a lot of stuff concerning my faith ect. It will be two years next April and I regret ever making that decision. If I could turn back the time, my God, I would.
In less than a year of him being married to me, he cheated on me. He has physically been abusive to me as well. I have been battling for months whether to file for a divorce based on the grounds of adultery and now I have made up my mind to leave my marriage. I was praying for God to save him but the pain of my unfaithful husband is just too much. I tried to trust him but cannot, the enemy tormented me day and night because of my husband actions and now I cannot trust him or even believe a word he says.
THIS IS A SERIOUS WARNING… DO NOT MARRY AN UNSAVED PERSON. IT CAN COST YOU YOUR LIFE. I THANK GOD FOR AN ESCAPE. NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY SAY THEY LOVE YOU, IT IS A LIE. WAIT AND LET GOD BRING YOUR RIGHT HUSBAND THAT WILL LOVE YOU HOW CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. I AM BEGGING YOU. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE LIKE ME.
(USA) “THIS IS A SERIOUS WARNING… DO NOT MARRY AN UNSAVED PERSON. IT CAN COST YOU YOUR LIFE. I THANK GOD FOR AN ESCAPE. NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY SAY THEY LOVE YOU, IT IS A LIE. WAIT AND LET GOD BRING YOU THE RIGHT HUSBAND THAT WILL LOVE YOU HOW CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. I AM BEGGING YOU. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE LIKE ME.”
God isn’t a micro-manager who brings the “right husband” into your life. That is 100% in YOUR hands – NOT God’s.
(USA) “DO NOT MARRY AN UNSAVED PERSON. IT CAN COST YOU YOUR LIFE. I THANK GOD FOR AN ESCAPE. NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY SAY THEY LOVE YOU, IT IS A LIE.”
Question: How could someone say something as ridiculous as the above? Answer: Because they have completely thrown out their God given Gift of Reason, and have replaced it with faith in the completely HUMAN Word of Man – also known as the Bible.
(INDIA) Wow!!! When have unbelievers started reading Christian subjects? Human words of man known as the Bible? Ahh! Such a statement would’ve come only from a person who uses the word of God for his own personal advantage.
(INDIA) I totally disagree with you. You must surely be an unbeliever to say that,’God isn’t a micro manager’. He calls every star in the sky by name, knows the number of hairs on your head and the grains of sand on a sea shore.
I believe that God will bring the ‘RIGHT PERSON’ in our lives only if we allow his will to be done and not ours. And it’s 100% in His hands, not ours.
(USA) Maybe not, but if “you ask, seek, knock” He will.
(USA) It’s amazing that the more you read and understand the Word of God, the more you see the real truths. I got married for the first time in my life, 3 years now, to a non-believer who believes in Buddah. In the beginning, I got mixed signals from him that he might be interested in becoming a Christian. He attended church with me, and the more I tried to explain God’s (Jesus) purpose for our lives, the more he tried not to want to understand.
My husband works, but has a tendency to lie, use foul words, takes things without permission from his job and others, loves to be maniuplative and deceitful, and is very crafty – always thinking of ways to get over on others. He is tight with his money, always wanting someone else to foot the bill. We have 2 homes, neither of which have sold, and he stays in my home where I foot all the bills. He does nothing to help me in my home money-wise. He can be sweet at times, but I don’t feel as though it is honest. It’s hard to trust him most of the time, and I don’t know if I could go 5 or more years in this marriage.
I try everyday to grow more and more in the Word, praying more, reading my Bible more, asking God to show me how to make it clearer to my husband, or at least make it clear to him by whatever means necessary for him to understand that what I have been saying to him about God is true; but he only tries to tell me what Buddah is all about. I thank God that we do not have children, and ask that it never happens. Thinking back now to the first day that he and I met, if I had the chance to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would run as fast and as far away from him and anyone like him as a non-believer as I could.
I wished I had trusted God more, and had been more understanding of the word then. I pray that God will forgive me for my actions. I asked to marry a Godly, Christian man, but I think I just went with my husband because I was getting older, and had no prospects. How I would love to turn back the time.
God Bless to everyone, and please ask God before you make a decision to marry someone whose beliefs in God are different than yours.
(USA) Your story sounds SO much like mine, except my husband is Hindu and we do have one child. I’ve made a post earlier in this discussion (almost two years ago now!) but I still check this board once in a while because I find some comfort and encouragement here. We’ve just passed 6 years of marriage this year, and I am not sure how much longer I can hold on. I so wish I’d just turned and run the first day we’d met, just like you said. Take care- I’ll be praying for you and everyone else on here as well.
(USA) That’s ridiculous, buddhist’s base themselves on Christian ways, as in they do not lie, deceive, have to always do good, they don’t even eat animals because life is that precious to them. So I find it doubtful that your husband is a buddhist! It’s easy to be something by name!
I am with a non believer who does not smoke, swear, gamble, watch porn… He respects me, loves me, cares for me. I am happy with him. Before him, I had two chances with so called “good” Christian boys, but turns out they weren’t virgins, they drank heavily, swore, and got in a lot of trouble. My husband is a good man. God put him in my life for a reason and I am so very glad and blessed that he did so. As I said before, IT’S EASY TO BE SOMETHING BY NAME!
(UNITED STATES) I would say the problem is that you are not allowing him to lead. Please place yourself in his shoes, as the leader of the house, someone else is telling you how to lead.
He acts silly because he is a silly person, not because he is a non-christian. Please don’t allow your world to be that small.
(USA) “To seriously date or to consider marrying a non-Christian is outside the will of God. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, Paul says, ‘Do not be bound together with unbelievers, for what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?’” 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 is NOT the will of God… it is the merely the writing of an ancient person who went by the name of Paul.
(USA) God didn’t give us a written “Word”. If you place your faith in the words of the Bible, Koran, Book of Mormon, or any other book, you are placing your faith in the HUMANS who wrote it – NOT God. God gave us the Gift of Reason. When we step outside the boundaries of God given Reason, problems of all sort – including marital problems – are sure to follow.
(USA) Emil, asking a believer not to believe is like telling the sea to dry up. The solution is not for the believer to give up their belief. The problems are not going to go away. The question is how to deal with the situation.
My wife and I are now married almost 8 months. She is a Christian through and through. I have been a closet-case non-believer for long before we ever met. I respect her rights to her beliefs, but I do not agree with them. She has told me that she knew about my feelings but did nothing, and I saw how devout she was but tried to ignore the fact that it would cause problems.
We love each other immensely, and this is really the only thing we disagree upon. We have talked a lot about it lately (which was when I decided to face the truth about myself) and have decided to find some counseling. At this point we have decided not to have kids, but I know this is one of the things that she wanted the most. It breaks my heart, and after reading all the replies here I am inclined not to continue with the marriage. I do not want to see her suffer so much pain just because I cannot believe too.
If marriage is supposed to be like a triangle with each partner on the bottom corners and God at the top, I fear our triangle is missing a side. We connect so well with each other and feel like we were meant for each other. I don’t want to hurt her by leaving, but I also don’t want to brew a resentment that could tear us apart in the future. What should we do?
(USA) I bet I have the most complciated situation of all… lol, Good to talk to some other folks on the matter… I can relate from the husband aspect and am in an increasingly hostile and difficult situation. First off, I am a non-believer at first I had never thought about religion and never even met a true Christian until a couple yrs ago. I tried going with my wife over 8 separate conversion attempts and tried it and realized it wasn’t for me and rejected it. Personally I believe the Christian way of life can be unhealthy in the way that it takes away from the care of doing good things in this life etc etc but that’s besides the point.
As I said, I’m a non believer. I met my wife 2 yrs ago. She is a pastor’s daughter. However, we were way too blind to see our differences when we were dating… even though her parents openly rejected me, basically shunned her and she came to live at my apartment. During this time we had a great relationship, had fun, never fought, partied and just lived life, never giving a 2nd thought to church and everything.
I’m in the Air Force and was soon sent to deploy to Iraq. We made the decision to get married before I deployed to get her settled in an apartment and everything. Everything went well and good. During deployment we missed each other blah blah. When I got back my world turned upside down, she had rebuilt those bridges with her family, repented to the church, started going to church 2-3 times a week and teaching there etc… I ended up feeling like I married a different woman and was resentful, not to mention severely hurt and decieved that she had changed into another person when I wasn’t there, even though this “other person” was who she actually was.
Now we have a beautiful son and I think we are both terrified of what will happen when we try to raise him with butting ideals.
We have a big problem with compromise which is essential to marriage. She doesn’t and can’t compromise anything in her Christian life and I end up being the one that compromises all of my interests including rock music (I used to play in bands and went to music school and studied rock), light drinking, hanging out with friends, for all intense and purposes, standard guy things. So this has made me very bitter and resentful, especially since we enjoyed all this while dating. All I see is her enjoying her life and fellowship with her church friends and then I’m the rejected black sheep becuz the things I enjoy get funny looks from my wife and church members. My wife is a strict pentacostal-type by the way, adding to the fire.
There is a lot of sub plots in this. Also adding into it is her pastor family who puts pressure on me to attend church and tons of pressure on her to convert me, even though I haven’t seen it, I’m sure there are whispers of her being a “failure” if I dont change.
On top of that we may be moving to England soon as part of a new assignment for me. Part of me is like “take that” as this will get her away from her family and church. I feel bad when I feel this way but then I think back to how happy we were when we were dating and how miserable we are now.
She will either go back to her old ways when we enjoyed life together or completely fall apart without the support of her family and church around. Either way I’m truly vexed. I don’t know what to do in this situation.
All the seemingly frivilous things we fight over like good music, what holidays to celebrate (no halloween for her) seem like no big deal to her. That’s becuz she has church. All of the things she neglects are what make up who I am.
(USA) Brandon, Yours is tough. Equally tough is dealing with a spouse who has hardened themself into their affair. Everything you do is now wrong. Your image is wrong. Your spouse’s social structure buys into the phisod. You have no intimacy. You lost your partner. What can you do about it? Understanding the various points of the affair, you may be able to “pop” your partner into viewing reality. It’s tough. There’s a lot of tough positions.
There’s a lot of people being abused in relationships because their spouse is cheating on them. Imagine trying to hang in there while having faith that the spouse will be able to accept responsibility and come out of this fog. Imagine knowing that a man is with your wife. Your wife is addicted to cheating on you, and knowing that you can’t get any. Imagine knowing that your wife does not spend time with you, and is mean to you because she has made this other guy her “man”. You are also torn down on a regular basis and you have kids, that your family members join in on the tear downs, since you appear to like it because you stay.
(USA) I met my husband when I was 18. At the time, I had just come out of my high school relationship with a guy whom I had dated for three years. We went to church together & really seemed to have things figured out. And then we had sex. A few weeks later, he broke up with me saying that things were moving too fast & that he was going to have to not see me anymore. I was devastated. I got angry at the wrong being (God), and quit going to church to avoid seeing this guy.
A few months later, I met my husband and we were engaged six months later. We were married two years later and now, four years into our marriage, I am wanting and longing to return to God. My husband supports my decision and wants me to. However, he told me that he neither believes or disbelieves. I really don’t know what to do. Had I not of turned from God in the first place, I would not be faced with such a dilemma. I’m constantly praying for the salvation of my husband, but I’m fearful it may never happen after reading this.
(USA) God has already planned your life. Maybe that was God saving you from misery of a Christian only by name. That story did not sound very CHRISTian to me!
Your husband supports your decision to go back to God! He neither believes nor disbelieves! There is no problem here, if you truly believe in God, you’ll know he has the best intentions for you and that this has happened for a reason. Do not doubt him, you are with your husband for a reason. Turn back to God, read the Bible and please go to 1 Corinthians 7:13-15. He is made acceptable to God through you! Isn’t that good? Now, it does not mean that it’s a free pass for him to get into God’s kingdom, he needs to make his own personal relationship with God. You can help though. Educate him in the ways of God! Also read that passage closely, as you can not separate from him.
(USA) So you met a Christian by name, who was sinful, then you met a good man who is good to you AND open to God? Doesn’t sound like a problem. Does he smoke, swear, watch porn?
God has put him in your life for a reason! Trust in him! Turn back to God, but DO NOT leave your husband. Now that you are married to him, he is made acceptable to God. It does not mean that he gets a free pass to heaven, he needs to make his OWN relationship with God, if he so chooses. Read 1 Corinthians 7:13-15.
You cannot leave him. Be open with him about God; talk to him without preaching so much. Trust in the Lord, he streets your path and he has guided you where you are.
(USA) All this is doing is separating and causing more bigotry and intolerance in our country. What do a believer and a non believer have in common? Love? Being Human? You Christian zealots are something else.
(CANADA) Amen to that!
(US) The purpose of marriage is to have a spiritual companion who helps you grow in Christ. Children are secondary, (but if you know that children are a part of your path, then you do have the right to leave an infertile partner).
If that person is bringing you down spiritually, then leave. You’re carrying a cross that God did not give you, and you can’t handle it. If the spouse is abusive then that’s even more of a reason to leave. Few, very few, people can stick out a bad marriage and come out spiritually healthy. Tolerating a spiritually unhealthy marriage benefits neither partner.
(USA) “Marriage: The state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.”