We’re told in the Bible to be equally yoked to one another. So when you are a follower of Christ, and you consider marrying someone who is not, you set up a difficult situation. You subject yourself to “the ox and mule syndrome.” Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt explain:
To seriously date or to consider marrying a non-Christian is outside the will of God. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, Paul says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers, for what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?“
The verb “bound together” literally means “unequally yoked.” Paul is recalling the Old Testament command in Deuteronomy 22:10. “You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.“
Yoking With a Non-Believer
God forbade yoking together beasts of such diverse sizes and strengths. That is because of the excessive chafing of the yoke would injure both animals. In the same way, Paul says that a binding relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian will be mutually injurous because they are so essentially different.
Of course, some marriages eventually become centered around God when the non-believing spouse later comes to Christ. However, for every instance where an unequally yoked marriage recovers in this way, there are a dozen tragedies. When a true Christian marries a non-Christian, there is almost certainly great suffering ahead. Christians who violate God’s will in this way have based their marriage relationships around something or someone other than Christ. They have compromised their relationship with God.
We can be thankful that God will not reject us for such lapses in judgment. But He has never promised to preserve us from pain when we defy His will. Besides the pain we will likely bear from such a decision, compromising our faith suggests that Jesus Christ is not the most important Person in our life. This will hardly increase respect for our faith.
We Are Responsible for Our Choices
More importantly, there is no reason to believe that a non-Christian (or a “Christian” who is uninterested in the things of God) will change after marriage. The record shows that this rarely happens. The Bible pointedly reminds us that God gives us no such assurance. Paul asks of mixed partners in 1 Corinthians 7:16, ” …How do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?“ Remember, we are free to choose whom we marry. But we are also responsible for the possible lifelong consequences.
How easily we can say, “I’m ready to accept that responsibility.” That is, until we experience the painful results of ignoring God’s will! Often an unequally yoked person returns to follow God closely years later. They can then face stiff opposition from a non-Christian spouse. Even worse, unequally yoked believers may permanently compromise their commitment to Christ in order to keep peace in the home. Children also invariably suffer in such marriages.
Biblical Teaching
Consider the clear biblical teaching against marrying non-Christians. Christians need to be honest with themselves when they consider entering, or continuing, a romantic relationship of this sort. Embarking on such a relationship, they are really denying that God knows best how to bring fulfillment into their lives. They deny that he is committed to their good. (See Matthew 7:11 and Deuteronomy 10:13.) Such a denial constitutes a betrayal of what we say we believe about God: that he is our wise and loving heavenly Father who always seeks our good.
Before going ahead, ask yourself: What evidence can you find that God has ever been wrong or unloving in His dealings with you? When have you ever regretted, in any lasting way, following God’s will? Why would this issue be any different?
No matter how “right” a relationship feels, God’s will concerning seriously dating or marrying a non-Christian will not change. If you find yourself drawn toward such a situation, resolve now to obey God despite the cost. Any delay only makes the decision harder. Even though you may feel terrible pain for a while, you will look back later and realize this decision was one of the best you ever made.
Regrets
We have never met a Christian who wishes he or she had gone ahead into marriage with their non-Christian dating partner. But we have met scores of miserable Christians who would do anything if they could go back and change their decision to marry a non-Christian or a disinterested Christian. Seek out an older Christian for advice and support as you trust God. You’ll be thankful sooner than you think!
This article comes from the book, “The Myth of Romance” written by Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, published by Bethany House Publishers. Unfortunately, this book is no longer in print so you may have a difficult time locating it. What is especially unfortunate about this is that they have even more information in this book that could help those who are contemplating marriages as well as those who are married. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.
— ALSO —
To learn more on this subject, please click onto the following web site links to read:
• When Thinking About Marrying a Non-believer
• What Should I Do Now That I’m Engaged to an Unbeliever?
• Marrying a Non-Believer Won’t Work
Filed under: Single Yet Preparing
(AUSTRALIA) I became a believer 7 yrs ago and I have been with my partner for 6 yrs now. We are not married but always talked about it yet I have had some very hard times that have prevented it. We now have two sons together a 2 yr old & 10mth baby. I love him but we are definitely unequally yoked. I know we are not married but having had children together I thought now joined us.
He has lied & stolen plus cheated and continually let me down, yet I thought that if I had faith and believed God would one day bless us as a family & open his heart to Christ and we could marry. I try to forgive him because I love him and want to see him saved. I don’t wan’t to hurt our boys, & sometimes think I have to take responsibility for our mistake because I should have known better but was deluded and sinned. We go to church but he has little understanding or interest it seems. I can’t bear this anymore and need help!
(LORDHELPUS) I pray for you all each day and for the ungodly spouses that the Lord will forgive us all and help us to mature in Him. That we will rise above the sinful natures of our flesh and put Him first rather than a mere man, mere lust and mere sinful pleasures of this wicked earth. Please pray for me as I need to get out of this ridiculous, sinful marriage to this man before I go crazy. Satan is using him to drive me nuts and I speak against that for it will not work. I’d rather run away from this derelict than to step away from the Lord. Please, please pray for me, I need real true hard help and forgiveness from the Lord.
(USA) Saeed, thank you for your explanation of the passage in Corinthians. I think you did a very good job illustrating the connection of a spiritual level between husband and wife. Other posters have been very realistic in pointing out that just because we’re married doesn’t mean that marriage is always happy. There were many saints who lived difficult lives, who’s suffering increased, and even asked it to, to save their pagan spouses and children. Of course, this terrifies me as I’m nothing close to a saint, and I’m worried that I will be unable to help sanctify the soul of my lost spouse. But then, I realize that it is God who will do the sanctifying, not I. I have to be like our Holy Mother and pray that whatever will be done to me will be according to His Word. Oh, the faith of Mary, I pray to attain it….
I’ve recently been married, and I am a Catholic who was marrying a Protestant. We married in the Latin Rite. He agreed to the pre-marital counselling and to have a church wedding. He also agreed to let me raise any children God blesses us with as Catholics.
However, soon after we were married, he started dabbling in the “logic” behind atheism, and now he does not believe in a Christian God, doesn’t believe we have a soul, doesn’t believe any of the previous Christian ideals he held before. He says he’s experienced “major dissent” from his faith. Little does he know that’s the devil at work…
This distresses me, because now he speaks of how he is against the “indoctrination of children” in our faith –and I’m thinking “you’ll indoctrinate them in another ideal that is not as critical as you believe.” I’m wondering if my cross in life will be to handle this. I’m trying to educate myself to debate him adequately, but it’s difficult to argue with someone who believes only, and I really mean ONLY, in empirical evidence.
It’s moments like these that I realize what GK Chesterton said was right; “all ideas are narrow.” Please pray that his soul returns to Our Lord. Thank you :)
(PHILIPPINES) I have a boyfriend; we have different religions. We believe in the same GOD, Jesus Christ, but different in terms of practices in the church. He believe in some things that I don’t believe in. I’m a born again Christian while he is a Roman Catholic. It was good to know we believe in the same GOD, but the problem is those practices. We differ in such.
We are talking about our future marriage and actually can’t fix it up. We are having trouble as to where we are going to have our wedding, to their church or to ours? We’re having trouble deciding where our future children will attend church… we can’t decide.
Actually, I was thinking to break up with him, cause I think it’s hard and will be even harder in the future, but I love him, and he also told me that he loves me. :( What are we going to do? I dont what to do… I just pray to GOD. Please give me some suggestions? Thanks!
(USA) This is literally the most condescending article I’ve ever read. Christians are always trying to tell you it’s not their place to judge, but they do it time and time again. I am a non-believer and my wife is devoted to her faith. You’re telling me we can’t be happy. That is an utter load of garbage. You don’t have to be married to someone who believes exactly the same ideologies. People can be married and have different views on society and politics… why not religion? I think this is due to the Christians unyielding attention to recruitment and fund raising. After all, with people in the seats, there couldn’t be enough tithing to pay the preacher.
(U.S.A) I am trying to show my husband how great God is, but things are not going so well. We are newlyweds and we have a young child to take care of. Things have been stressful and hard. He is having trouble being positive. If anyone could give me some words of encouragement, please. Thank you and God bless you!!
(USA) Hi, I came across this website in an attempt to understand what is happening in my marriage. Good stories but they all are about believers marrying non-believers. My case is a little different. Both me and my wife were Catholics when we wed 10 years ago. Approximately 10 months ago her father became ill so she went to her native country to be with him and while she was there she converted to Christianity.
We were already having problems in our marriage so this just exasperated the situation. She says that she loves me and that I should convert in order to save our marriage. Further, she does not want to return to the US and has told me that I should find a job in her country for that is where she found Christ and therefore she does not want to leave her church.
She also stated that if I did not convert or move that we would ultimately have to divorce. Now I love my wife but this seems like an irrational decision and that she is not considering what I want. I have a good stable job that I have hard in my career to achieve. I do believe in Christ and God and would not have a problem converting however, I’m not as committed and don’t know if I ever would be. I feel like I am in a quandry for I truly love her but don’t know if this is the right way to go.
(UK) SERIOUS QUESTION! What do you do if you have a child with the non-believer?
Do you not marry in this case also? Is the child better off if you do not marry and seek another believing husband? Do you stay single? I would really appreciate an answer to this thank you.
(USA) Hello. I have been married for almost 6 yrs now to a believer of GOD but doesn’t believe in organized religion. He has extreme bipolar disorder but he won’t seek help or take medications. He recieves goverment income being found incapable to work, mentally broken. We used to argue about this all the time but I got tired of it so I just stopped. He won’t do much at home either, except just play video games all day long. Througout the whole 2011, I was having lots of trouble finding jobs but his influence of lazyness is dragging me along with him.
I married him cuz I thought he will change… and now I feel I need to separate from him so I can figure out what I want to do with my life. And I hope he does the same. We have no kids. Some of my friends and family think that he is just using me. I see a chance of starting over if I leave him. But will the LORD be ok with this?
(ASIA) Sometimes I come to the conclusion that God is playing a joke on my life. I am almost 40, have never seriously dated because I was waiting for a good Christian partner. I was so selective. There were many bachelor Christians guys in my church, but most of them just would not make any first move. Some of them even preferred to date non believers, whom they brought to church later.
I guess part of it could be my own fault. Maybe I was not being aggressive enough in looking and praying for a partner. But it is my nature that I wouldn’t make the first move. I just cannot bring myself to do that. I tried with one guy that I really liked but he treated me like trash.
I met my boyfriend last year, through a pen pal website. He put Christianity as his religion in his profile, and we did discuss the Bible and such. I found him to be still searching. As he said, there are so many denominations. He came to see me and we fell in love. He was really a nice guy, honest and we discussed a lot about God and such.
He told me about his religious background. He is raised up as one of the sect that we mainstream Christian considered as a cult. He has become inactive and is searching for the truth. I was unaware of the problem we had until I was too involved in the relatioship. Only then I realized that in this sect, they are being mind controlled and it would be very hard to help them out. He is obviously really loves God but the doctrine that he was taught is just way out from the truth.
It has torn me apart to know the situation I am in now. We planned to get married in a couple of years and he is seriously working on getting a proper career to support us. On my part, I know that marrying him will make me unequally yoked, and it is only by God’s work that he will come out of the cult, with the risk being excommunicated from all his friends and family.
Of couse, breaking up with him is the easiest way out. But does that reflects the love of God? I’m torn. I waited for so long, being strictly selective about the faith of my life partner, wanting to honor Him but I ended up in this situation. IRONY!
(USA) I’ve read these stories and all of the women regret being unequally yoked, they are miserable and have heartaches. They also warn others not to fall into the same pit because deliberate disobedience is not worth living a miserable life.
I’m a single Christian woman who knows Christians that have been and are unequally yoked. The have beens regret it and the ones who are presently unequally yoked are totally spiritually blind and are beginning to compromise biblical standards, and it is very scary.
Even though sometimes loneliness sets in I’m content and I’m not miserable or regretful. I’m patiently waiting for my Lord to provide a mate, but my soul mate is my Lord for He dwells in my soul. I have realized that whatever the Lord says it is for our good, He knows what is best, and He knows the consequences of being stubborn.
Also, while no true believing born again male is perfect, his heart and soul has been enlightened to spiritual matters, he does not expect to be idolized, and he is able to relate to other true believers. Thanks so much for this website, and for imparting the various experiences.
(USA) I couldn’t sleep tonight mostly because my family constantly tells me that they are unhappy of my decision to date a non-believer and to live with him as I have done. I hate arguing with my family and yet at the same time I wish they would be nice and want to get to know my boyfriend because he is such a great man. Biggest problem is that he is not a Man of God.
I realized this from day one of meeting him because we have always been very open and honest with each other. I thought it might be fine to continue this relationship because as of now it’s AMAZING. He just purchased round trip tickets to Europe as my birthday present because he knows we both have a love for seeing the world. That is one of the many amazing things he has done.
But after stumbling across this website, I am fearful now. Deep down I have a great love for the Lord and I have tried to witness to my boyfriend many times. He doesn’t like it. And he doesn’t want me to feel I should change him. He says I can choose to believe in God and he will never try to change me. But after reading all the postings online -I am terrified of marrying him because I don’t want to be unequally yolked.
I moved all the way from CO to FL now so that we could be together. We dated a year apart and the distance took its toll. He would fly out a lot and would have moved to CO but owns his own practice with many clients. So I decided a new experience would be wonderful. I transferred with my job out to FL. So far, everything is great- I am 5 min. from work and have already made wonderful new friends. His family loves me and I love them.
I do miss my family very much. I have visited a lot and each time my parents look sad because I know that they want me doing what’s right. This is by far the HARDEST TEST of my faith I have ever had! I don’t understand why I met my boyfriend in the first place because I prayed for the right man to come into my life :(- I hate that my family is hurting and I hate arguing with them. My boyfriend is a family person so it is hard on him as well, knowing why my family doesn’t accept him. What in the world has happened? My oh my… how my heart aches now because I love him, yet know it probably won’t work :( What have I done? :(
So what’s happening with your relationship with God and your boyfriend now?
(AUSTRALIA) This story has an twist and a very happy ending. I went into a relationship with a non-christian girl while I believed but still had a very quiet inactive relationship with God. I had been lonely for years and just couldn’t take it anymore. I longed for someone to love and we had an instant bond when we met, at least on the surface anyway. At first she was interested to learn about my beliefs but after a couple years had ‘heard all I had to say’ and had chosen that it wasn’t for her.
During this time my faith had a rocky ride but steadily grew. But when I realised she didn’t want to accept Jesus as her saviour I let my faith gradually die to the point where I could read the Bible, go to church or to barely pray. I did this because after 2 years our hearts were so intertwined and our relationship so good in every other way that it felt impossible to let go. But thankfully God didn’t leave me and I just kept praying to Him to please not forget me even though I had largely forgotten him. I kept praying that prayer for the next two and a half years unable to spend much more time with Him than that because I had let my faith die so much in order to ‘keep the peace’ with her and her family.
We were talking very seriously about marriage but something didn’t feel right in my soul. Something never felt right in my soul about us but I just kept pushing it aside because I ‘needed’ her so much. Then God finally showed his hand and saved me from a lifetime of loneliness and division.
I went to Canada to learn more about the profession that I was passionate about in order to come home and build a future with this girl. One week before I flew out I found out that I would be randomly billeted into a house that would go on to change my life forever.
God had somehow miraculously landed me straight into the most solid sensible loving Christian home that I could ask for smack bang in the middle of the Bible belt. I finally saw that there was absolutely no way I could live without God as the daily foundation in my life. It was amazing that He took me overseas to experience it because I needed to be that far away from the emotional and physical connection that I had with my long time girlfriend to see how untrue to myself I was being and how I was willing to kill my love of Jesus in return for a lifetime of spiritual isolation and probably a divided home… at best! I shudder to think what the worst case scenario could have been.
It was as though the scales had fallen of my heart and I could finally see the truth about what I really wanted my love life and family life to be like. I’m certain I could not have done this without Him taking me overseas away from my girlfriend.
I resolved that I would not make a decision until I got clear guidance from God on what He thought about the whole thing. After 5 weeks of prayer and emotional turmoil I got the wisdom, clarity and conviction that I needed. I also got a personal sign that I asked especially for.
Since then I have gotten to know a wonderfully beautiful Christian with a deep immovable love for God. And she thinks I’m not bad either! We have so much in common including our profession, which is one that has very very few women in it (especially lovely Christian ones). After building a thorough friendship first through working together and going to church and other cool places, we discussed honestly exactly what we want out of life and then me asking her parents if I could go ahead I invited her into a God centred courtship and she accepted!!! Woooot!!!!:)
God has finally delivered me from my own plan into his plan (which is strangely enough exactly in every way what my heart always yearned so deeply for all of these years). I have found redemption through Jesus promises for my past relationship and also through the loving understanding heart of this new Christian girl.
I have read so many of the stories here and my heart absolutely goes to each and every one of the people involved in them. My message is that God can work in the wildest ways ever! Even though I was living in total sin and had let my faith almost completely die I never totally let go of God because I knew he would never let go of me. God saved me from a life friendly wretchedness even though I did absolutely nothing to deserve it at all. To all of those struggling with guilt please remember. God will never forget his people.
To all of those dating non-believers or thinking about it. Get out while you can!!! Trust me it might seem hard now but it only gets more and more impossible! I had a chance to leave after 6 months in this Godless relationship and I didn’t take it out of fear of being alone. It took 4 years, nearly marrying her and some wild, awesome, divine intervention to save me from myself!
I will be eternally thankful to my Saviour for saving me from what was shaping up to be a living hell when I most certainly didn’t have the strength to save myself.
I will also be eternally thankful for the absolute bliss that it is to court a wonderful Christian girl who understands my deepest most foundational love. It has been the most amazing heavenly experience of my life the way we met and did everything the way it should have been done. Because of following God’s way we have enjoyed the most beautiful innocent romance and been TRULY able to get to know each other with total respect to everything that still belongs to marriage.
Praise be to God!! He certainly hasn’t forgotten me! I hope with all my heart He relieves all of the people involved in the terrible stories of pain and unhappiness posted here the way he relieved me from my probable future suffering.
(USA) I have been married for 21 years to my husband. I am a Christian and he states that he is also, but he shows no fruit of being a Christian. My 18 year old daughter ask me if he was saved? I told her only God knows for sure and I cannot see into his heart.
I feel that I am a single parent to my son and daughter. He has never been the “Spiritual Leader” of our home. If I did not get up and take the kids to church we would not go. He does not read his Bible or do anything but go to church and that is all. I feel that we are spiritually unequally yoked togather. I have to work outside of our home but would love to be in the rightful place at home, according to scripture. He states that in order for us to keep our home I have to work and pay the bills. He also has not left his mother’s apron strings. He is over there every Sat. working for her and has does not know the concept of Leave & Cleave.
He never takes time with our kids, he is a workaholic and has no interest in spiritual matters of any kind. I am very lonely and do not have a relationship with him other than co existing under the same roof. I am like his maid and the use of my wages. Last Sunday morning I got up and had breadfast prepared, ironed everyone’s clothes and except for my daughter my son and husband were still in the bed till the last minute before we had to leave for church, I get very frustrated doing it all by myself. Please help!!!!!!! I have spoken with him about this and even ask if he would go to marriage cousneling and he says that there is not a problem. -Frustrated Christian Wife
(ITALY) Hello everyone. I read most of the comments here and they really are useful for Christians who are in this situation. My situation is this. I was married to a Christian guy but I divorced him because I had an affair with someone and I felt guilty. I didn’t tell him this was the main reason although I had other issues too.
Now I am in Love with the guy I had an affair with and he is a non believer, actually an ATHEIST. I have tried to leave him so many times but I can’t. I want to get married with a believer but I have him in my heart and can’t even think of anyone I feel like I am married to him even if he doesn’t want to. Sometimes I think if he wants to marry me I will say yes but when I think of the consequences I feel frightened. I am confused. I really don’t know what to do deep inside. I know that if I take this chance I’ll regret it for the rest of my life because the outcome is going to be negative, but I can’t convince myself. I know we don’t even have one thing in common only sharing a bed and even with that I am not happy as my soul knows it’s not right.
Please pray for me and him as well. I wish he becomes a Christian and starts living together, sharing one GOD. I need your advice, if someone has been or is in my shoes because you know how it feels and you understand exactly what I am going through. Bless you all.