Military Men: Better Ways to Communicate with Wife

Ladies, this article is for military men to read.

Men: You may be thinking, “The less my wife knows, the less she has to worry about.”

This approach is very typical of men who truly just want to make their wives happy. Unfortunately, men and women deal with stress differently. Military men often encourage their wives to “go with the flow” and expect to be sent to Timbuktu. Yet no comment will anger your wife more because she wants to feel control over her destiny.

The family strategy approach suggested herein will allow her to feel in control of the situation, even if you aren’t actually in control and don’t get the billets you want. It’s the communication and compromise that are important. How does this work?

For Military Men: A Family Strategy Approach

First, understand that by insisting your wife accept lack of control over the situation, you are indirectly telling her that her dreams don’t matter to you or the military. By allowing billets to dictate your family’s direction, you are saying your job has priority over her dreams.

By contrast, your wife wants to know you are listening to her dreams and priorities because they count for something in your marriage. And when you listen to her dreams, you are informing yourself about what kind of billets are acceptable to her. Then you can come home and say, “You know how you’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii? Well, I’m not sure the rumor is true, but I heard today that there may be a position opening around the time I’m supposed to get my next orders. Let me find out more information so I can see how likely this would be, but I wanted to let you know.” You will get the best sex of your life.

What happens if that Hawaii billet isn’t available? Keep her posted on what information you learn so you can manage her expectations. Don’t try to shelter her by saying nothing if you hear bad news —share it with her. What’s most important about this process is that you are letting her know that you are doing your best to make her dream come true. If you’ve done what you can and the billet doesn’t come through, she will know how much you love her and appreciate the effort.

Billets for Military Men

In the meantime, you should also be discussing her priorities on billets you know will be open. When those billets show up on the list of options, your wife will be prepared to accept them and confident that you have made the right decision.

Notice how none of this has to do with actually controlling the billet situation. Instead, this is all about actually controlling the billet situation. Instead, this is all about perceived control over the situation because you both have a genuine grasp of what your priorities are as a family. By listening and showing appreciation for your wife’s dreams, you are giving her a sense of control. And that makes her happy!

SERVICE MEMBERS: WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE:

Never say:

“Go with the flow.”

Instead, say this:

“These are the duty stations that are likely to be available, given my career track. Which ones are you interested in.”

Never say:

“We’ll never be able to get a post at…”

Instead, say this:

“To get a post at… it will mean I have to do X, Y, and Z, and we will probably have to live at A. That seems like quite a challenge for our family. Are you sure you want to do that?”

Never say:

“I don’t know what billets will be available. No one ever does! I don’t care what your friends say.”

Instead, say this:

“It’s hard to say at this point, but given my career track, I’m likely to get billets at A, B, and C. Which of these interest you?”
— or —
“Let’s go through the possible scenarios.”

Never say:

“I refuse to live there!”

Instead, say this:

“I really do not want to take that billet. The job is really bad and would require me to do X, Y, and Z. I could see my unhappiness would really make the family miserable. Isn’t there another billet you might find acceptable?”

Furthermore:

Never say:

“I know you heard there might be a position open at X, but there’s no way we’ll get it.”

Instead, say this:

“Interesting news! However, I have heard that that position requires someone with more qualifications than I have. Why don’t I do some more research and see what I can find out?”

This article comes from the book, Married to the Military: A Survival Guide for Military Wives, Girlfriends, and Women in Uniform, written by Meredith Leyva, published by Simon and Schuster. This is not a Christian book, but it has a lot of good information that you may gain from reading. Just make sure you pray, read, and glean through the information, asking God to lead you to only embrace truth.

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