“Help! My spouse is in love with someone else!”
We’ve heard those horrible words in different forms so many times from those that write to us, here at Marriage Missions. It’s bad enough that their spouse has cheated on them. But then the cheating spouse claims that he or she is in love with their affair partner. And the spouse who is left behind, who is telling us his or her story, is devastated!
And understandably so!
“Infidelity is one of the most thoughtless, dishonest and cruel acts of self-indulgence imaginable.” (Dr Willard Harley Jr.)
And we couldn’t agree more with that statement! Infidelity is cruel to the nth degree! Just the thought of having a spouse, the person who pledged to love and be faithful to you for the rest of your lives, the person you have given every part of your heart and body to —just to think that this person could throw your love and commitment away and pledge love to someone else, is inconceivably cruel! No one deserves to hear that “news” from his or her spouse.
When Your Spouse Loves Someone Else
How we wish we could erase betrayal from ever happening to another person! It should never be!
But sadly, we can’t. We want to, but we can’t.
What we can do, however, is lead you to read two articles, which God can use to help you deal with this horrible situation. We pray it helps with all our hearts to give you insight into what you can do in this horrible situation. May God minister to you as you read
Please click onto the Marriage Helper.com link to read what marriage expert, Jo Beam wrote on this subject:
• MY SPOUSE IS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
And then, here’s another article to read (just change the pronouns, if applicable):
• CHEATING SPOUSE LOVES THE OTHER WOMAN OR MAN?
Despite your pain, please know:
“Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright…” (Psalm 112:4) We pray that God embraces you with His comfort and shines light within your darkness. May you experience peace within this storm and hope for better days!
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions wrote this blog.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Save My Marriage
(SA) My husband has worked with a woman for some time and was completely crazy about her as a worker, only to find out that she was later sms’ing him. After this he was never the same person again. We then separated twice and proceeded with divorce. It became difficult on me and my kids and I think him in a way. He moved back and things went well, only to find out that he lied to me and was still seen with her whilst he told me he was working on his second business or playing golf.
I feel that as much as I am faithful to God and believe in him, I am having diificulty coping with trusting him or even knowing how to react when we are together. This hurt over the years has changed me as a person, where I sometimes tend to become a bit withdrawn. We have been married for 15 year now. I still love hime and my kids don’t want us to separate again. Please advise me.
(US) If you decide to stay, look forward to more lies and betrayal. He has already shown you. I know the decision is hard, but when you cannot take it any more, you will know what to do.
(JAMAICA) I don’t know how to tell anyone how to deal with this cruelty as it is something I am experiencing right now. I took my son to the dentist to do a surgery and after waiting for a while got bored and so did my little son. So to pass the time I decided to read and allow him to play games on his father’s phone. It’s an action I now regret; it was while doing so that he accidentally pressed a different button and it went onto the message he sent to his girlfriend that he truly and deeply loves her with all his heart. I am so devasted right now… it is why I have searched for some help in dealing with this. HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Latoya, You are right when you call it “cruelty.” No spouse should be subjected to this by their other spouse who promised to “love, honor, and cherish” them “forsaking all others” until parted by death. No matter what is going on in the marriage relationship, we should not partner with others in ways that break our promises. That’s even more true when you have children and you are their role model –God’s colleague in raising them to be honorable, responsible, and godly.
Latoya, how I wish I could help you. That is my heart. How I wish I had words that could heal your pain and words that when I say them, you would repeat them to your husband and he would open his eyes and see the horror of what he has done. But sadly, I can’t help you beyond praying for you and sympathizing and crying with you and telling you to keep going to God with your pain and anguish. I urge you not to give up praying and believing that God loves you and knowing that He sees your pain and knows your heart and He cares.
God knows what it is like to have those you love betray that love –He grieves with you. Even so, He won’t force your husband to do what he should. He gives us all a free will, even if it is one that hurts in so many ways. It’s all a part of living in a fallen world. If He took that choice away, we’d all be robots because we all sin in one way or another. Grieve with God, pray, read what you can on our web site about adultery, and watch God unravel this thing –watch Him work within your life to give you wisdom and peace that passes understanding when you lean upon Him, as to what to do about your husband’s cheating ways. And pray that God works within your husband. He will do that. You may never see the ways in which He works (because your husband may hide it from you… but perhaps not). God still performs miracles. Believe Him for one in your life –with or without your husband. (I hope it is with him — with him living for God and showing love for you and your family.) My heart and prayers are with you. May you feel the Lord’s love and comfort and see His hand moving in your life.
(USA) God Bless you Latoya, it is the most unbearable pain there is. It’s true that we do all sin but not all sin creates so many innocent victims.
My kids still have bouts of depression as does my husband, the perpetrator. We are all suffering and Decemeber will be 2 years but that is what hatred is supposed to do. Authored of Satan who seeks to destroy us, marriage and kids. Everyone has come home from school early or couldn’t go to start with. My husband and oldest boy could not make it to work and that is very unusual for all of us. We all lay around huddled together. My husband may be sorry and changed, but the consequences do not go away and they affect all.
I can only pray with you, but you are not alone. Love and prayers.
(USA) There is no love outside of Christ and He would never ordain love that swayed a married person away from their spouse. I do know what the title is implying though. It may share some of the same elements as love such as lust or sex, but it is not love and soon enough, everyone involved will discover that. Can you imagine the arguments? Using their faithful, abandoned spouse as an example of what they really want, have all along and are now kicking themselves for all they’ve done and cannot take back. Full of regret for choosing to dump them for one that steals from another and destroys homes and children. And then, they have to look at themselves in the mirror everyday!
Love is putting the others best interests first, an affair separates them from God and destroys their kids and testimony. You could not hate another individual more than that!! Please make no mistake about that! The cheater is a liar and a thief, and they are then in violation of every Commandment. An enemy to God destroying His perfect plan for us and giving the devil exactly what he wants. It is purely selfish and as God says “willful children of disobedience and wrath” that is not talking to or about kids but the adults that are supposed to be reading it.
People get bored and suffer mid-life crisis as well as the utter selfishness. They think another sex partner will spice it all up but they will one day regret it immensely. To paraphrase: Do not be deceived, God is not mocked. Whatsoever you sow you also reap. Galatians 6-7
I’m not very religious right now but I agree with everything you said. My husband left me and our 2 kids. Since March he has a new girlfriend that he doesn’t tell me about but I see pictures and comments on facebook. We have been together for over 6 years. I know our marriage isn’t perfect but I can’t understand what he is going through. I’ve always been there for him but when he moved out he completely shut me out. I told him last month that I still felt he was worth it and have no regrets. He got mad at me and said I have no self respect if I think he is worth it. I’m confused though because he hasn’t asked for a divoece or separation but says that he isn’t coming back. If he loves her so much why doesn’t get come clean and tell me about her and discuss a divorce?
(SOLOMON ISLANDS) I have just been married for two years. In the beginning everything was good then after I become pregnant with our first baby, things started to change. He would rather be working or playing sports when he should have been with me. Instead of staying with me on weekends, he goes out.
Then after I gave birth everything was ok again. After sometime later he told me he started getting angry with me… for no reason I could think of at all. He then left me saying that he needed space, but then came back again to me and my baby. What really hurts me is that he used to care so much about me and how I felt. But now he is distant, not sharing like the way he used to.
I asked him if there was someone else but he denies it. Recently I found out that he was emailing an old girlfriend of his. He said that she is just a friend, but do friends talk about intimate things? She said that she hasn’t stopped thinking about him and he replies that he knows. I don’t know what to think and what to do because I am hurt deeply. The only man I thought would make me happy for the rest of my life does not show me love anymore.
Is it partly my fault, as well? I have never thought of being with anyone else. And he even had the guts to tell me to my face that he has other plans, which do not include me. I don’t know him any more, the one person who has showed me so much love and affection before, my first love. I don’t know if I would ever love or trust anyone again if he plans to leave me again. How can I keep him and show him that he is everything to me?
(UAE) Good Day. I have been married for 11 years and have 2 children. My wife is now having an affair and she wants to leave us. She blames me for having taken this step as she says I have been nagging at her for everything. I did tell her that I accept my faults and will change things that she does not like. But she has not agreed about this. Right now she is staying in the house and says it is just for the kids but is still having her affair.
I do not want to break up the family and want her to stay with us and realise that she should be with us. It’s something wrong in her having this affair, but I have truly forgiven her. I am praying and have faith in Jesus’ name that she will be back. I need more prayers, including for me to keep my patience with whatever she is doing.
(USA) If there is a marriage in which both people have ignored each other for almost 10 years. No type of love at all, wife always ignores him and is constantly talking bad about him behind his back. He tries; he never argues in front of the kids. The wife turned his children against him. He is very talkative, which drives the kids away because they don’t like talking about educational stuff.
He goes to his room all day, and sometimes goes out with the family when they aren’t mad at him. They get mad at him because he doesn’t like to spend much money, yet they have more than 2 cars, and some for the children. He is the type to stay home even when he doesn’t work. He doesn’t go out other than for work. He doesn’t drink, sets a good example, and offers his kids to go to the gym, pool, and play sports. They always say no and the wife at times tells the kids they are leaving her alone, causing the kids to stay home with the mom. If the kids are hugging the husband, the wife will say Oh you guys don’t love me anymore, causing them to go away…
He finds someone who makes him feel happy and cares for him, but wasn’t planning on even looking for someone –a friend, he had never thought would become so important to him, becomes more than a friend. He knows he shouldn’t but things just happen.
The wife, after noticing that he preferred to spend more time with his friend, becomes more attentive, bringing him the food and sleeping in his room. Once the friend isn’t around anymore, she continues her normal life, ignoring him and not even stepping foot into his room as it has been for years. What are any thoughts on the husband with someone else? He has always had in mind to wait until his last child is more independent given he is about 10 years old… He has only seen the person but things haven’t gone that far sexually speaking.
(USA) Well, you certainly like to speak in the third person. Or are you the affair partner? Adultery is wrong. Emotional affairs are as harmful as physical affairs. I don’t care if your wife has been ignoring you for years. Wrong is wrong. Affairs start as a result of poor boundaries around the opposite sex.
I suggest you permanently end your relationship with your “friend” and never see or speak to this person again. Do the right thing. Not The wrong things.
(UNITED STATES) I was in a very distant and hard marriage for 22 years. Then on my 23rd wedding anniversary, my husband was so mean and rude to me that I didn’t feel anything but stupidity. Fast forward 1 week later and I ran into an old boyfriend and I asked for his phone number to catch up (big mistake). An affair began, me telling him I was planning on leaving the marriage once my youngest graduated. Then 2 months into the affair, the guilt ate me up and I told my husband what was going on…. thinking we would divorce, instead my husband decided he loved me and was sorry for the previouse 20+ years and we needed to work this out… Fast forward 15 months, still in the affair (lie about it) and as confused as ever. I believe in my heart if I can’t let go of the other man, I must make it right and divorce my husband… My husband has changed and deserves better from me, I love him and care for him but what do I do with the other man?
(CGO) I need help. My husband of 7 years is having an affair. I saw a text msg. I am devastated. I do not want to confront him. Our sex life had been inexistent. He calls her when he leaves the house in the morning and even before coming back from work. He sends her txt msg for an appointment during the weekend. Things have been really difficult lately; we argue a lot. He provides for the family, we miss nothing; he is the breadwinner. I want to save my marriage. I have been praying to God to help us.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Lisa my heart goes out to you. If your husband’s affair is allowed to be kept a secret it will only grow. You need to confront him and work together to try and find solutions to the problems you seem to be having in your marriage. Perhaps a “Christian Counselor” will be the best to help you. Please continue to pray to God for help but do not turn blind eye on the situation; it will not just go away. God bless.
(CGO) Thank you Rose, for your advice. The week before I saw the txt msg I told him that I feel like he is cheating on me. He said I was paranoic, that I always think about me, the way I feel what I want and do not think about the kids. He wanted me to be more focused on the kids instead of my feelings, that I have too much on my plate that I can’t take care of him and the kids at the same time. He will take care of himself and I need to take care of the kids!
No hugging, he doesn’t sometimes look at me in the eyes. When I try to kiss him welcome he avoids me a little bit or he is not into it. He has been sleeping in the spare room for almost 2 months because we just had a baby. We do talk as usual now, just because I have not brought up the issue. I want to save my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not because of me.
(S. AFRICA) Dear Lisa your husband will always turn the blame on you. He is trying to make you feel like the guilty one and justifying his adultrous behaviour. You have seen the evidence and know that he is lying. Sure how convenient! You must take care of the kids and he will take care of himself. (He is doing a good job of that.) Lisa I feel so sad for you what with a new baby to take care of as well.
Please, as I said before do not pretend the situation will mend by its self. Seek guidance if you really want to save your marriage. Please confront your husband and he should be prepared to be honest with you and truely repentent in word and deeds. Never give up praying as ONLY God can change hearts. Be blessed.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for almost 7 yrs. During most of that time my husband and I have been separated. I found out that he was having flirting with other women. After I confronted him character altered almost overnight. He became defensive and started looking for ways to blame me for the breakdown of our marriage. He hurt me immensely during our time apart. He expressed a desire to make our marriage work but he didn’t take any steps to do so, nor did he stop his affairs.
He was visiting me nearly every weekend and I allowed him to conduct this relationship on his terms. I wanted my marriage to work so much that I would allow him anything. During that time I fell pregnant. It ws a very difficult pregnancy. My baby has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. I did not allow him access to my baby until last year when she ws 2 yrs old. We reconciled in March last year. I thought he had changed due to our seperation and love for his baby. Recently I have been finding evidence of an extramarital affair. I’ve seen texts to another woman. He’s been away from home without explanation. I’ve seen imtimate texts to each other. He’s been calling her every day after he left home. She also works with him.
After I confronted him he started behaving like he did a few years back. He chose to sleep in the spare room. During this festive season, my baby and I have been alone. He’s been playing the blaming game. He’s been doing everything in his power to make sure I leave home. He doesn’t feel any remorse and he’s been denying the affair. I’ve even had contact with her. He’s been abusive to me and so has he. I am not sure how much longer I can endure. My baby needs him and loves him and I do not want to deprive her of her dad as I did in the past.
During that time I’v been praying that God would reconcile and restore our relationship. He’s a Christian. He’s been preaching in the church. I still have hope and I am still praying that God will change him. I’m not sure how I feel at this moment. My feelings take a back seat in the light of my babys needs right now. I choose to forgive. I choose to be happy. I see myself as God sees me. Everyday is a new day with God. I’m in a place where I choose to fight instead of wallow in self pity. I thank God for the strength that he has given me. Right now I pray that whatever God has ordained will happen in this relationship. Which ever way God leads me I will follow.
(USA) My husband and I are both Christians. We are definitely going through a lot right now and I really don’t know what do to so I’m here looking for help. Our marriage was never perfect, not even close, and even before we got married it was rough. We are both Christian recovering addicts. When we first got together he had 6 months clean; I had not even a few hours.
We moved in together within a couple of weeks and I had relapsed on him twice within the first two weeks. After the second time I searched for help and started on an out patient program. Our relationship had a lot of secrets and we would argue a lot; sometimes it would even get physical. I had to deal with a few women calling our phone claiming that they were with my husband. We had been together now for about 4 years and 3 months and married 2 years 7 months now.
I love him very much and want to save our marriage. Recently he began on his 4th step and opened up to me and told me the truth about everything from his past till now. One of the things he said was that he loves me but is not in love with me. There is a woman from his past that he has an emotional connection to. It’s a girl helping him bathe his grandmother with no legs, and he has been talking to her for a week now. He believes he’s in love with her. The day after Christmas he went and spent that day with her and I found out. At first I was very hurt and angry and started cursing him out in anger.
After a few days passed by we began talking about everything from our past to this girl. I’m trying to be supportive and understanding. He said that he’s not sure if he wants to be with me or with her. He’s trying to see if she’s the same person that she was back then or not and if the feelings he has for her are real. As hard as it is for me I told him that I am willing to wait until he figures out what he wants because God told me to “just give him time”.
Meanwhile we’re still living under the same roof with our 19 month old daughter. He has 2 other kids from a previous relationship and so do I. He doesn’t want to say anything to the kids yet until he makes up his mind. My question is do I wait, fight, leave, have him go and spend a couple of days with her so he can make a decision or do nothing? At times I’m ok and other times it’s driving me crazy because I don’t know where we stand. PLEASE HELP!! They were best friends in junior high and never got intimate. P.S.I do love him and want our marriage to work.
I really need advice. My husband told me he was falling out of love with me in January. We discussed it and he agreed to try and bring our relationship back to life. But then on February 14th he decided to go out with friends instead of coming home. He hasn’t come back since that day. He took all his stuff while I was at work. He has a girlfriend now and decided to get an apartment with her. First he moved in with his parents for a little while. He never checks on our kids or calls. We have been together for over 6 years. He didn’t tell me about her or the fact he moved in with her. I saw it on her fsacebook through a friend. I want to fix our marriage but it doesn’t seem like he will ever come back. Some people say he is having a midlife crisis and may come back. I don’t know what to do. I still love him very much and would absolutely forgive him.
I am in a relationship in it’s infancy – we have not been dating for a year yet but it is already strained. I have received a proposal of marriage but know that I cannot go through with it. I am a Christian and believe that without my consent I’ve been made a mistress. The man I’m dating lives alone and I’ve visited his home. However, during the time I’ve been dating I’ve noted that every now and again he goes away for the weekend during which time he switches off his phone. He makes excuses to prevent me from meeting with his family and friends and I have uncovered some truly fantastical stories made up about his life.
Recently I discovered information that his former wife lives just five minutes away from him; he previously told me that she lives in another town and that his child whom he has regularly lives with his grandmother. I have only his word for this and will not undignify myself by knocking on doors. I have also heard that this wife may be first stage pregnant with my fiancee’s child. I’ve spoken to my Pastor and he has said that this relationship must end. I agree with him but this is truly a mess and is extremely painful. I need prayers. Please help me to get through this in one piece.
(Kenya) Hallo, I have a wife of 4 years and last year in December I realized she was having an affair with her workmate. We discussed about it and she gave me several reasons why she had it and she committed to never repeat. Of course she denied at first when I confronted her. This year in June, I noticed she was seeing the same workmate again and upon confronting her, she first denied then she accepted, giving the same and other reasons as before but they weren’t convincing to me.
Several days after, I realized she was cheating with another workmate. When I confronted her she went on the defense that I am invading her privacy and that I no longer trust her. I was able to check all this information on her mobile device and saw the chats she shared with the person, an action that I feel apologetic about. Therefore, I need help because it seems she is in love with this new person because she is defending him since I confronted her. I feel tired of calling for a truce anytime we have this argument, she does not seem apologetic and she seems not to care about my feelings at all. I love her and I care about her feelings to a point I feel she is misusing me. Please advise.
My husband was involved in an extra-marital affair and yet he is a house group leader, usher in church and councellor in church.
Patricia, I’m so very sorry to read about such a heartbreaking thing for you to go through –having your husband cheat on you… so, so sorry. It should never be. What’s especially tragic is that he is cheating on God too, and yet he doesn’t see the connection –how blind! It’s people like your husband that causes others to say that there are so many hypocrites in the church, that they want nothing to do with it. There are many, many more who aren’t hypocrites, but it’s those like your husband that put a cloud over all of Christianity. People, like your husband, represent what it is to be a Christ follower so horribly. It’s not just a matter of what people see, but the character that comes through behind closed doors, as well. Jesus shouldn’t be judged by those who slander His name by their irreverent words and behavior… but that’s what happens in too many cases.
As far as what you can do… I’m not sure. Please don’t blame the Lord for this. HE didn’t cheat on you… one of his wayward “sons” or someone who claims to be a follower of Christ, is doing this. God gives us all (including you and me and your husband) the freedom of choice. What’s horribly sad is that your husband is taking his “freedom” in a direction that slaps Christ in the face. The best you can do, from what I perceive is to make your pastor (quietly) aware of this. Apply the Matthew 18 principle where you first go to the person (your husband) “and show him his fault.” Then read through the rest of that part of the Bible –Matthew 18:14-17.
But even so, try, as best as you can, to keep your heart open for his repentance and try to fight against bitterness, as best you can (it will definitely be a journey), and go with God on this. Prayerfully read articles we have posted on our web site, as the Lord shows you, and apply whatever you can use. I encourage you to especially read through the quotes in the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic. Keep in mind that forgiveness and trust are two different actions. Forgiveness you must eventually give (as God helps you give it –especially for your own sake), but trust and reconciliation are conditional on many different things –especially upon the choices (good and bad) that your husband makes.
I pray for you, Patricia. I pray that the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
7 years married 5 kids under 6. I’ve been separated from husband over 3 months now. He’s been having an affair with his own cousin. We’ve been fighting over this since we married but because I was always pregnant he always made me feel like I was crazy!
I’ve come to learn that they have been doing this before we were married maybe when she was a kid. I’m 36; she’s 25 and he’s 31. Every time I bring the issue up to discuss he starts getting angry and abusive towards me to the point now where he’s threatened to kill me so now I have an AVO against him as I don’t feel it’s safe for him to be near our kids, yet over this separation period he doesn’t even see them because he doesn’t like my sister looking after them while I’m at work. When he did see them it would be for 5 mins then he’d go. Since separation he has seen them maybe 4 x over the 3 months!
I feel so broken. All I did was be faithful and now I feel like a fool. I praise God that I’m back at work as I was at home all this time of our married life having his babies! I feel for my kids. All I wanted was a family with a father figure for them. I feel like I have just woken up from a nightmare! All I gave him was love. His body was there at home but his heart was with this girl because he never opened up to me. Over these years he continually worked in the same area as her even when I didn’t feel comfortable with it! How much of an idiot I feel right now!